April Avery - Something Phenomenal

Something Phenomenal
Chapter 1 -
Gabriel is sick
And Shane is beside her during her ups and downs
But with both of them losing time and connection
Will they be able to pull off an adventure of a lifetime?
"This is not a love story. This is a story about falling in love... with being
alive."
Something Phenomenal
Written by april_avery
Genre: Teen Fiction/ Young Adult
Author's Note:
This story revolves around sickness and the experiences and ups and downs that
comes with it. This may contain trigger warnings so please be advised that this
isn't for everyone.
I initially hesitated (and afraid) to share this story because the concept is raw
and it's reality brought home. But just like Something Spectacular, I will once
again pull up the courage to share something that's really important to me.
This is a project for those of you who believe that this world is still worth
living no matter how hard it is to stay alive.
#SomethingPhenomenal
Always braver,
April
The story is written in date entries with shorter and longer entries depending on
the events of the day.
The story you're about to read and all characters involved are work of fiction.
Chapter 2 - Phenomenal: One

Day 164 in the hospital
I was lounging at the cafeteria, sitting on one of those cold steel chairs with
matching steel tables, smooth and sanitized every half an hour. I held my head
back, slouching even more while texting Shane.
ICED COFFEE! GONNA KILL YOU IF YOU FORGET.
I smiled and throw my phone down on the table. I sure do a lot of threatening for
someone who can barely breathe properly without the assistance of medicines.
After somewhat ten minutes, Shane walked in the cafeteria looking around. He's
wearing black long sleeve sweater where the brown McDonald's paper bag was held
against his chest, jeans and white sneakers.
On his other hand was a take away carton from Starbucks. My face beamed almost
immediately. "Shane!" I waved my hand frantically with a beaming smile.
He gave me a gaze that tells me he's pissed, but not totally pissed. He's mad but
he can't be mad at me. And yes, he's a guy with such a weird name.
"Here's your grab food delivery," he muttered as he approached me, his voice oozing
with sarcasm.
"You're such a baby."
I gleefully ransack the food he placed on the table. He sat, rested his elbow on
the cold steel table and placed his cheeks against his open palms while watching
me.
"Happy?"
"Definitely," I said, mouth full with half chewed fries. Tinusok niya ang green
straw sa plastic cup at inabot sa'kin. Ah, caramel macchiato, it's been so long.
With so much food in front of me I was humming and swaying on my seat happily.
"You look stupid."
I burst out laughing with Shane watching me. "You're stupid," I countered.
He smiled.
"So how's the world outside?" I asked, halfway from finishing the entire thing
alone, double burgers, fries, pies and all. It's been months since I had fast food
and the greasy taste was skyrocket from the land of bland hospital food I was
living in.
"Magulo padin," walang interest na sagot niya.
He leaned against the bench, placed his hands on the back of his neck and held his
head back. But before he could even completely relax, he had to stand right away to
pat my back because I just choke on half chewed burger.
"Dahan dahan naman! Hindi tatakbo mga 'yan!"
Sa sobrang bigat ng palo niya, pakiramdam ko hindi niya ako tinutulungan at

bumabawi lang siya sa'kin. I swatted his hand away. "Okay na ako."
"Patay gutom."
I grabbed my coffee and took a long sip. Tuluyang tumayo si Shane. Akala ko iiwan
niya ako, 'yon pala bumili siya ng bottled water sa vending machine sa gilid.
Binuksan niya ito at pinatong sa harapan ko. I faced him with an apologetic grin
before he sat back with a huge breath. "Thanks, Shane. You're the best."
When I was done eating, I dusted the grease and salt off my hands, careful not to
touch the needle and lobes on the back of my bruised palms.
"Spill it."
Shane put the trash back inside the paper bag before he faced me. "What?"
"Bakit ka nandito? It's not like you'd volunteer to visit me on your precious free
time."
Shane hates hospitals. Indefinitely, no questions ask. He's one of the best people
in my life but he's such a dweeb when it comes to needles and hospitals.
Dragging him in here is like extreme sports which he would avoid at all cost. Or
maybe he's just lazy. I know how lazy he could get. He could even stay for five
days without washing his air. Gross.
"Break na kami ni Cheska."
I blinked my growing lashes. "The fuck?"
I leaned closer on the surface of the table like a child. "What do you mean break
up? Pang ilang break up niyo na ba this year? Tatlo? We still have three months
left before the year ends."
"Dalawa," he had the audacity to clarify.
Huminga siya nang malalim, half sound and half air. And for the first time, I
noticed the growing sprinkle of stubble on his chin and the concentration of dark
skin under his eyes, like he indeed haven't taken care of himself these past few
days.
I started to worry and yes, I felt a pang of guilt. I was the middle man between
the two, the common friend that recommended them to each other years back. They've
been in an on and off relationship in their entire two years of being together, but
Cheska is Shane's longest commitment.
"Yon ba ang dahilan kung bakit nag-deactivate siya lately?"
Kumunot ang noo niya.
"Hindi ko nakikita ang mga post and stories niya lately."
"Baka blocked ka sa kanya."
"Wala akong kinalaman sa katarantaduhan mo, ah."
"Ako agad ang tarantado?"
I leaned closer on the table and with my lips closed, I gave him a sordid smile.
"May babae ka, no?"
The expression on his face melted down as he gave me a deadpan look. "Ikaw lang ang
babaeng pinagtitiisan ko."
"Naman pala so what's the reason?" It's not like I belong in the equation of their
breakup.
Napakamot ang isang daliri niya sa kilay. "Cheska asked for it."
The sigh that follows seems like he just surrender the hope of them getting back
together. He's like a lost puppy, confused, and a bit lost on track.
"And this time, I let her."

"Oh no no no."
Tumayo ako at niyakap siya. "I'm so very sorry, Shane."
Shane seems like a complete jerk on the outside, but he's such a softy. In the past
few years he'd been really mature with Cheska at madalas siya ang nagsasalba ng
relasyon nila tuwing magbe-break sila.
"Here, you can have my coffee."
I took one last sip before sliding the nearly empty cup towards him. Pinigilan niya
ang sarili niya na ngumiti, but the corner of his lips couldn't hold it in. He
ended up with a short chuckle.
"Nakakatouch," tukoy niya sa patak ng kapeng natira.
"Tinira ko talaga 'yan para sa'yo," ngiti ko.
Then we became silent. But it's not the uncomfortable kind of silence. We watched
people in the cafeteria, patients, families and staff of the hospital. White
uniforms, wheelchairs, and clothes of different patterns and colors mingling in
synchronize movement.
"You'll get over it and find another one." I offered.
He always do. I mean he's not bad looking. He's actually the kind of person you'd
gaze longer in crowded spaces, or the person you had to steal second glance in a
busy street. It's like sunlight seems to follow people with pretty face like him
around making them shining, thus stealing your attention.
Which reminded me of high school. Shane was the popular guy you'd love to hate but
couldn't because you'd be the one looking like a complete jerk.
Guys swarm around him and laugh at his bad jokes. Girls from other classes
purposely visits our classroom just to glance at him from the hallway.
He's seriously friendly and people often rely on him. He always had this genuine
grin on his face as though smiling didn't cost him social exhaustion.
You must be wondering where I was in the classroom setting. You see, back when I
was still healthy and hospital wasn't my home, I was the sarcastic, dark red lip,
rolling eyes, saying what-the-fuck every few minute type of person.
I would strut in the classroom with my Doc Martens instead of the prescribed black
shoes with at least three inches heels. I colored my hair every few months.
Electric pink, cotton candy blue, ombre green, slap-in-your-face red. Name it, I've
had it.
All the teachers reaction whenever I step inside the room of my conservative
private school with my newly dyed hair was always plaque worthy. Ah, good old
times.
Imagine. Good old Shane with his friendly grin and good old Gabriel, I hate my name
by the way, with a bitchy smile on my witch colored lips. A weird tandem.
Seriously, if not for our mother being friends I never would have think of him as
someone who I can get close to, specially with his annoyingly shining presence.
Good thing I kinda know how dorky and skinny he was before he got popular so
whatever poison or glamour he spread around in high school hadn't rub on me.
"What do you say we go on a road trip?" I offered, gaining a suspicious look from
him.
We used to have long drives a lot anyway in his brother's old Ford pick up,
specially when Shane finally got his driver's licence after failing it several
times.
The trips were always constant complaining kung paano nauubos ang allowance niya sa
gas, but at least we get to places. It's the precious experience, right?
"Trip? Saan, sa lobby?"
His thumb pointed back at the lobby kung saan siya dumaan kanina. Inabot ko ang ulo
niya para sapakin. He had became clever and sarcastic for the last few years, but
still annoying.
"I mean not now! I need clips when I come back to film school. Oh oh! Let's have it
on the week of my twenty second birthday."
"You're old," said the one who had his birthday first.
Tinaas niya agad ang kamay niya nang makitang nagniningning ang mga mata ko. Dahil
alam niyang kakantahin ko 'yon nang walang pagaalinlangan and he hates it.
"I don't know about youuu but I'm feeling twenty twooo. Everything will be alright
if you keep me next to youuu."
Naitakip niya ang mga kamay sa mukha. He slouched lower on the screechy bench and
groaned, especially when I hit the long notes with my bad voice at nagtinginan ang
mga taong malapit sa table namin.
"God. You're a weirdo."
"You love me," I gave him a toothy grin.
"Oo naman."
Kinailangan ko ng bumalik sa kwarto ko bandang hapon.
Shane was tossing his car keys on his palms when he told me. "Let's do it."
"What?"
One of my daytime nurses, Nurse Kenth, was already waiting for me at the foot of
the elevator with a wheelchair and an 'I can't believe you escape from my watch'
type of gaze.
"On your birthday week, let's have a road trip wherever you wanna go."
He watched me go back to my nurse. I wave one of my arms while the other was being
connected back to the IV and the bag of blood dangling from the wheelchair pole.
He stayed, standing near our table while watching the very thing that often gross
him out. He just took my offer seriously. He must be really heart broken.
***
Chapter 3 - Phenomenal: Two
My camera, a sturdy Canon Rebel I got during junior high school four years ago was
filled with white things. Photos of lights filtering through windows, objects
against white walls, nurses in their white uniforms walking in the halls like
chalks, the white hospital bed as my only backdrop for the different books I've
read throughout my stay here.
But it's not all white. There were times when my life here has splash of colors.
Like whenever we have certain celebrations, doctor's birthday, patience's birthday
or special celebration like being cancer free or in remission or something.
There were days when we collectively watch the huge flat screen TV on the lobby for
an event like Miss Universe or cheer for a certain sports game.
I have friends in here too. Mostly nurses and patients who have been staying here
for quite some time. There were time my camera would be filled with burst of
colors, balloons, cakes, and dozens of flowers and trays of food, which most of the
time we couldn't eat.
We also have nights when the nurses allowed us to go outside and we would light up
some of those sparklers on sticks and watched every flicker fade.
I love those days the most especially when the night sky is clear and the wind is
chilly and I can pull my mask down and breathe it in. But those days are rare and
most of the time it's just me in my room.
I crossed my legs, crumpling the newly wash sheets on the bed with my red plaid
pajamas. I've been scrolling through the photos and videos in my camera deciding on
what to transfer on my laptop so I could make a video sequence.
My endless scrolling took me way back to the set of pictures taken four years ago,
when this camera was still brand new. It's mostly filled with the faces of my high
school classmates. Those naturally goofy, wacky faces of lanky, bare face people
who are now very different from who they were years ago.
Whenever my camera wasn't raided by my classmates, I was the designated

photographer of the class during school events. It's like an unwritten
responsibility of someone who has a proper camera whether you like it or not.
But I did love it.
I love catching those candid moments through my lens. Those happy faces, dull
moments, stares of people who were in love with someone seats away from them.
I love capturing moments when we were pulled out from our routines. When classrooms
became practice places for school dances, when the bare walls were being decorated
for Christmas competitions, and those last days before vacations and we know we
wouldn't see each other for quite some time. I'm in love with those days when we're
lost in a familiar place.
That's why when I got accepted in college, in my dream course of arts and films, I
was over the moon. They were the happiest days of my life, waking up and knowing
you've got to learn and do what you love. Until everything spiraled down.
Binaba ko ang camera nang makitang pumasok ang nurse sa kwarto ko. Binalik ko ito
sa pouch. Lumapit ang nurse na nakatutok sa hawak na clipboard habang naglalakad.
"Good morning, Gabriela. Check lang ako ng stats mo."
Umupo ako ng mas maayos, dangling my feet off the bed while a different daytime
nurse, Nurse Jade, checks on me. We did the usual routine.
She wrapped the thing over my arms and squeezed in pressure until it feels like my
arm is gonna explode. She held the thermometer gun before my forehead to see if I'm
having fever today. She unwrapped the set of needles to extract blood from my arms
for blood test to check if the medicines are doing their thing. She checked on my
back with the cold metal of the stethoscope against my skin to make sure my
breathing is normal, and a few more stuff.
"Ito ang mga gamot mo today."
Binaba niya ang maliit na tray sa mesa sa tabi ng kama ko.
In there was seven different colored tablets which I have to take in set at least
three times a day, other than the bag of chemotherapy they infused through my IV
every week.
"Nandyan na ba si Mama?"
Nurse Jade was adjusting the thermostat attached on the wall nang sumagot siya.
"Yes. Madami siyang pasyente ngayon sa clinic pero mag-r-rounds siya mamaya."
Lumabas si Nurse Jade. I grabbed the remote control of the TV then turned it on.
Mom basically lives in the hospital just like me. In a different circumstances.
She's a doctor, a hematologist to be exact, someone whose expert on blood.
That's why she put me in here to be closely monitored. It's free by the way because
she's one of the resident doctor. But still, all those medicines aren't.
A cartoon show was on the TV so I grabbed my phone under the pillow and I took a
picture of the green platypus and send it to my younger brother.
This looks like you hehe.
It's Saturday morning and he wasn't online. I wonder what's he's doing.
Bili ka potato chips and chocolate chips when you visit.
A moment later a bubble appear that means he's typing.
Wala ako pera!
I typed with a sinister smile. Bayaran ko dito.
Lies, lies. Of course hindi ko babayaran. I have money here but that's for sneaking
some coffee from the vending machine or some stale chips in the cafeteria.
Bandang hapon bumisita si Iñigo, ang fifteen years old kong kapatid. Naka-simangot
siya nang pumasok sa kwarto while rubbing his hands with sanitizer.
Sinilip ko ang mga dala niya sa paper bag. But it was all Tupperware containers of
oatmeal cookies and oven baked potato wedges. Sumimangot ako.
"Walang potato chips?"

"Hindi healthy 'yon. Mamala made these instead."
My lips turned into a defeated pout. Dumerecho si Iñigo sa pantry at inayos ang mga
dalang pagkain. May dala din siyang prutas na nilagay niya sa refrigerator.
"So, kamusta naman si girlfriend?" I teased.
Dahil busy sa school, madalas weekend lang siya nakakabisita kaya weekend ko lang
din siya naasar.
But I often saw tagged pictures of him on social media, mostly with friends and
classmates. And I know well enough if someone purposely sides with you in a picture
o kapag mas nakatingin ka pa sa ibang tao kesa sa camera.
And little Iñigo here, who's not so little anymore because he's basically a
towering five foot ten, is obviously crushing with his pretty classmate.
"Wala akong girlfriend!" Himutok niya.
But I was already laughing on how much his face blushes. Ah, high school romance.
Pareho kaming tumigil sa pag-aasaran nang pumasok si Mama sa kwarto. She's wearing
her white coat with a small brass pin. Dr. Louisa D. San Gabriel, MD. FPCP, DPSHBT
"Have you sanitize your hand?" tanong niya kay Iñigo.
And even though he already did dahil hindi niya naman ito nakakalimutan, pumunta pa
rin siya sa pinto kung saan nakalagay ang malaking container ng sanitizer.
Pumunta si Mama sa likuran ko and placed the cold steel stethoscope against my
back. Deep breathes, deep breathes. She adjusted the box machine on the pole
pumping the IV and checks on my tongue and the eyes for paleness.
"Iniinom mo ba ang mga gamot mo?"
Pumunta siya sa table kung saan nakalagay ang tray ng mga gamot. I've taken them
all. I don't wanna hear an ear-full from her. Other doctors were kind and
understanding and have soft voices. My mom was strict and scary.
"Can I go home?"
The question was like an experiment, like testing a probability with little chance
of success.
Other patients could go home after every session but I've been here for five months
now for my chemotherapy and it's gonna be my last cycle soon.
Home. It's been the rarity for me.
"I'll see."
I blinked, astounded. "Really?" It's better, way better, than a solid no or not
yet.
Maybe I won't get to spend my birthday here after all. It was honestly something
I've been anxious about.
It was already dark when my mom and Iñigo left. After having dinner of bland
broccoli and cheese, rice and lean chicken breast, and a glass or orange juice,
Nurse Wendy, my night time nurse, remove the IV tube from the machine so I can take
a shower, change clothes, and do my thing.
And when it's already eight in the evening, I fluff on my bed and immediately
message Shane.
Hey, Shane. Good news! There's tiny bit of chance na pwede na akong lumabas!
The moment I sent the message, he's already typing a reply.
Makakalabas ka nanaman sa lungga mo. Then he inserted a sighing emoji.
I sent him an laughing evil witch gif.
So how's the single life so far? Haven't felt the atmosphere of independence yet?
The air of freedom?
Shane rarely post on social media, but I just saw a post he shared the other day,
about hearts being broken and shit. What a pathetic boy. Instead of typing back a
reply, bigla siyang nagvideo call. Sinagot ko agad.
His pixelated face appeared on the screen. He was saying something, while finger
combing his super messy hair as though he just got back from the shower.
"What?"
The reception was bad and I couldn't hear half of what he's saying. Saka ko lang
siya narinig at nakita nang maayos noong maupo siya sa kama habang hawak pa rin ang
phone.
"Wear some shirt."
He's wearing a plaid green pajama. We had matching ones Mamala gave us last
Christmas. Red for me and green for him, and yellow for Iñigo. Christmas tree.
"Wait wait."
Binaba niya ang phone sa kama and I was face with the ceiling of his room. From the
corners of the screen, nakikita ko siyang nagsusuot ng damit. A gray shirt with a
logo printed on the middle. The logo of Monkey D. Luffy's crew from the anime One
Piece. He's such a dork, really.
Umupo siya nang maayos sa kama at kinuha ang phone niya at muling humarap sa'kin.
"Nanonood ka?" tanong niya nang marinig ang nakabukas na TV. "Patingin."
I let him watch a scene where the protagonist along with his group was basically
going through a killing spree with the authorities of the train while making their
way towards the water supply to take control of entire train.
"'Yan ang mga paborito mong panoorin," puna niya. "Kung hindi natu-torture,
namamatay o nasusunog."
"What? It disturbing but it also talks about discrimination and global warming."
My film student self was ready to fight him.
We grew quiet as we watch together through the video call. Nang matapos ang movie,
muli ko siyang tinanong.
"Ano, masakit pa ba ang puso mo?" pang-aasar ko sa pagiging broken hearted niya.
Tumahimik siya bago ako tinignan sa screen. "Sobra."
***
Chapter 4 - Phenomenal: Three

During evenings when the sky is littered with stars and the hospital is silent,
nurses come into the rooms without notice. While I'm sound asleep they'd slip
inside like vampires, their feet sweeping the floor without sound and they'd suck
blood out of me.
But not the way real vampires do with fangs or hypnosis or whatever. Though it
would surely sound more exciting. But instead, nurses come in their pristine white
uniform, holding their kits they would insert needle and extract blood.
Or sometimes, instead of extracting they would insert fluids in my skin, testing

medicines to make sure I won't have allergic reactions. Sometimes I'd wake up, sat
on the bed half sleep while they do their thing. Most of the time, I'd just sleep
away with no care of what's happening and when I wake up in the morning I'd have
several shots on my skin.
I also have a morning routine. Not just like those vloggers on the internet or
anything. My routine was mostly composed of these, and trust me, routine means
habitual or repetition and I sure do the same thing everyday.
I would wake up around six in the morning and I would push the button above my head
to ring the nurse. He or she would come inside, all pleasant and cheerful, and
greet me good morning before releasing me from the IV.
I'd go to the bathroom, do my business, brush my teeth with my extra super soft
bristle to prevent my gums from bleeding. If I'm in the mood, I'd brush my hair,
extra careful, in front of the bathroom mirror.
There were moments I didn't have to. You know, the brushing of the hair, specially
in chemotherapy when the hair ends up in the comb or falling on the floor instead
of my head.
But my short hair is in better state than my first course of chemo. I look forward
to a longer hair once I recover so I can find another hair color that would suit
me.
Back to my routine, once I look like a decent human again I'd sneak out of my room.
You see, there's a protocol in the hospital that all patients must be in
wheelchairs if they decide to go out of their rooms, especially patients who have
to climb up or down different floors.
But heck I feel like an old person in a wheelchair and you must be accompanied by
the staff or nurse, while there's freedom in walking and it's quicker.
I usually go down the ground floor where the lobby, cafeteria, the chapel, and the
garden are all located. I would buy a can of cold coffee from the vending machine
and walk in the garden like a boss. I'd do some stretching or just sit on a bench
and drink my coffee in peace, while watching the rays of the rising sun slipping in
between the surrounding buildings.
By eight in the morning most people in the hospital are now awake. I'd go back to
my room and my breakfast would be served then on a table with wheels. I'd eat my
breakfast while watching the chatty host of random morning shows on TV. Then I'd
brush my teeth again, ring the nurse and have my IV back.
On mid-mornings, if I don't have a visitor to entertain I usually edit different

medias on my laptop- videos, short clips, photographs. I also write sometimes-
poems, random scripts, and dialogues.
I have all the things I needed in my room. Dozens of notebooks, stationary, and
pens. I also have my laptop with me, my camera, and disposable films. I'm a very
busy person.
Then around eleven thirty, the staff would bring lunch inside which usually
composed of beef or pork, a vegetable dish, and a fruit. Then, they would be back
after an hour to get the dirty plates.
Then I'd ring the nurse again because, yes, hygiene. By afternoon, I already took a
bath, change fresh clothes, and now I had to face my film list. I usually watch
movies on Netflix and make reviews. I also love taking short online courses on
films and watching movie reviews on Youtube.
When I wasn't watching, I'm mostly reading. In the past five months, I think I may
have brought fifty or so books. Usually Shane or my brother would bring a new one
whenever I requested. They're everywhere in the room. Under the bed, stacked
clumsily at the corner, inside drawers, on top of tables.
And that's usually my daytime routine. Quite impressive, huh?
On evenings, it's when I usually check what's happening on the outside world
through social media. I'd logged in and like certain post I'd see on my timeline.
That night, I scrolled through a post by someone I wasn't friends with, but had
Shane tagged in the photos. He's with four more people, all wearing hard hats while
visiting a construction sight. Shane passed his civil engineering board exam this
year and now he's in training.
I tapped the like button of his tagged picture and scrolled some more. Posts about
people graduating, hired in a new job, celebrating birthdays and anniversaries with
their love ones, or got engaged, travelling to places, smiling faces, selfies. They
all seem to look like they're living their best lives.
***
Chapter 5 - Phenomenal: Four

"Balita ko lalabas ka na, Gab."
I was in front of my laptop doing a short video montage nang banggitin ito ni Nurse
Kenth.
"Lalabas?" nabiglang tanong ko.
"Inaayos na nila ang release paper mo."
Para akong nakarinig ng fireworks. "Oh my God?"
Tumango siya. "Oh my God talaga," sabi ng malambot niyang boses.

Nakangiti siya sa'kin. Alam kong isa ako sa mga pinaka-pasaway na pasyente dito and
they would surely love for me to be released and for themselves to be released from
my torture, but I know how genuinely happy my nurses are for me.
I was giddy the whole day. Hindi na ako makapaghintay na makausap si Mama. Kung
totoo 'yon that means any day from now makakalabas na ako!
I was humming and singing along to random songs through out the day. Kahit ang
pagkain na ayaw ko ay inubos ko. I even wore my newly bought pajamas.
Bandang hapon nang dumating si Mama. She went on her usual routine of checking
anything that needs to be check.
"Talaga bang lalabas na ako?"
She was checking the bags attached to the IV that's nearly empty. "Inaayos ko na
ang mga papel mo."
Hindi ko mapigilang bumungisngis.
"But you know the cycle. Kapag may naramdaman kang hindi tama, babalik ka dito.
You're still in chemo."
The cycle, of course. It's where my whole world revolves. I'll go home, feel okay.
But the moment I get infection or my blood counts fluctuate or my body just fails
to function on certain days, I'd be back in here before I could even say freedom.
But still. Finally after five months lalabas na ako.
Mom told me to prepare my things just in case. Because looking at all the random
things I've brought with me, packing would definitely take a long time.
I called the help of Iñigo who went to visit me the next day. Naka-uniform pa siya
at naka-ID, halatang kagagaling sa school. I was lounging on the bed, organizing my
notebooks and pens in a clear plastic box.
"Wala kang dalang pagkain?"
Binaba niya ang backpack sa sofa. "Mukha kang pagkain."
Kung hindi lang talaga nakakabit 'tong kamay ko sa IV, binugbog ko na'to.
Napakasungit kaya hindi nagkaka-girlfriend. Nagsimula siya sa pag-aayos ng mga
librong nagkalat sa kwarto at nilagay sa dala niyang kahon.
"Iuuwi mo na ba 'yan pagkatapos?"
Maayos na sinasalansan niya ang mga libro sa kahon para magkasya. He's such a neat
freak.
"Oo, sasabay ako kay Mama."
See? Hindi niya ako tinatawag na ate kahit halos anim na taon ang tanda ko sa
kanya.
Nag-scroll ako sa phone ko habang nakahiga sa kama at nakataas ang kamay. All these
cleaning made me addicted to organizers and room decors. I might order several cute
ones online.
"Kaya hindi ka nagkaka-boyfriend ang tamad mo kasi."
Napalingon ako sa kapatid kong naglilinis ng kwarto. Aba, aba!
"Si Kuya Shane lang nakakatiis sa'yo."
Then he made a face that only younger brothers could do, an expression equivalent
to sticking his tongue and crumpling his face. Noong tumalikod siya, binato ko siya
ng unan sa ulo at nasobsob siya sa kahon na inaayos.
I nearly choke on air, laughing. One point for me!
After an afternoon of annoying banter, umuwi na si Iñigo kasama si Mama. Nang-aasar

pa siya noong umalis. But I know my brother well enough that whenever he's being
extra annoying, it means he's really happy.
I'm really going home.
***
Chapter 6 - Phenomenal: Five

Day 1 out of hospital
My room was nearly empty except for the things that's been there noong dumating
ako. Wala na ang mga nagkalat na libro at notebooks, o ang mga nakadikit na
pictures sa pader. Ang natira nalang ay maliliit na mantsa ng pen ink sa mesa at
mga pinag-alisan ng tapes sa pader.
"Oh, I won't miss you," I said as I pack the last clothes on my bag. Even the IV
that's been connected on my hands since day one was now removed. My hands were now
free and ready to punch someone.
The nurses and staff of my unit congratulated me. They even gave me a bouquet of
pink tulips. As much as I don't want to see them again because that means bad news,
I'd surely miss them.
"Sigurado ka ba hindi na kita ihahatid?" tanong ni Mama nang bumaba kami sa lobby.
Every few seconds, someone-- a nurse, staff or patient-- would greet her.
"Shane would pick me up."
I was sitting on the wheelchair, just the protocol. Though I feel completely fine.
Katabi ko ang natitirang bag ng mga gamit ko and my cozy blanket.
"Okay then. Derecho sa bahay," paalala niya.
I watched her leave the lobby to attend to the patients waiting for her in her
clinic. Nang makaalis siya, I quickly texted Shane. Punta tayo mall. May bibilhin
ako.
I was grinning the entire time while sitting on the passenger's seat of Shane's
car.
"Ang sabi ng mama mo uwi agad," paalala ni Shane na nakatingin sa daan.
"Bakit? May bibilhin lang naman ako ah," inosenteng sinabi ko.
"Tigil-tigilan mo ako, Gab. Alam ko 'yang ugali mo."

Humagikgik ako. "E'di sasamahan mo ako?"
He let out a short, defeated sigh. "Ano pa nga ba?"
Nang nasa parking lot na kami ng mall, hindi agad kami makaalis sa sasakyan dahil
nag-aaway kami.
"It's a public place, Gab. Isuot mo ang mask mo."
"Ayoko. I'll look like a sick person."
"You are a sick person."
I crossed my arms, which still has the cotton balls and tape from the wound of my
IV, and gave him a sharp gaze.
"Ayokong itakbo ka pabalik sa hospital."
Tinitigan ko siya. I released the breath I didn't know I've been holding during the
entire argument. "Okay whatever," sabay irap.
Inalis ko ang seat belt saka ako may naalala. Hindi ko pala dapat siya inaaway.
Umusog ako palapit sa kanya nang may ngiti. That angelic smile he knows too well
lalo na tuwing may kailangan ako sa kanya. Kaya hindi pa ako nagsasalita,
napapakamot na siya ng ulo.
"Pwede pautang? Wala pala akong dalang pera."
We were in the book store. I was wearing a mask. I hate it, honestly. If I could, I
would remove the damn thing. But that also means exposing myself to harm and I
couldn't afford that for now. Lalo na kalalaya ko lang.
"Doon ka muna," sabi ko kay Shane habang nakasalampak ako sa sahig ng bookstore sa
gitna ng aisle ng mga libro. Isa isa kong tinignan ang mga gusto kong bilhin.
"Magtingin ka muna sa ibang shop. Matagal pa ako dito."
Paano ba naman, nakatayo lang siya at naghihintay sa'kin. I don't want that kind of
pressure. I'm in a bookstore for pity's sake. I could live in here if I could.
Lumapit siya at nag-squat sa tabi ko. "Dito lang ako, maghihintay. Baka takasan mo
pa ako."
I peeled my gaze away from the excerpt of the book I was holding saka bumaling kay
Shane. Nakatingin siya sa card na hawak ko sa isang kamay. A debit card with his
name, Shane Arguelles.
Ngumiti ako sa kanya saka binalik ang atensyon sa binabasa. But honestly, he looks
extra presentable today. Shane's the blue jean, sweatshirt type of person, but
today he had his hair styled up and he brought back that silver dot of an earring
on his left ear na matagal kong hindi nakita. Naka-itim din siyang Vans ngayon,
instead of his usual white sneakers.
Iba talaga kapag heart broken. Pakalbo na din kaya siya? I silently giggled at the
thought of bald Shane.
Matapos ang halos isang oras sa bookstore, nakapili na din ako ng bibilhin. I
bought six books. Three of them a trilogy, and the other three were stand alone. I
also bought disposable 35mm film and polariods in the nearby photo shop.
Nagbayad ako sa cashier gamit ang debit card ni Shane at siya din ang nagbuhat ng
mga binili ko. Kunwari nag-insist ako na ako na ang magdadala pero syempre kunwari
lang 'yon.
"Dinala mo lang ako dito para maging alalay," sabi niya habang naglalakad-lakad
kami.
"Narealize mo din," ngisi ko.
After the book store, we went inside the department store to check on their make up
section. I've been seeing a lot of new products on the internet these past few
months and I was excited to try those dark lipstick shades. Who knows, baka nga
expired na 'yong mga make up ko sa bahay.
We were on a kiosk of my favorite brand and I grabbed the testers with such
giddiness that Shane, who's been sighing heavily, grabbed it from my hands.
"What?"
"Madumi ang testers."
"No one dies from dirty testers," ismid ko. Arte arte.
"Just grab the colors you want. Bilhin mo na."
My smile when I turned to him was devilish. Inside my head I was cackling like a
witch. "Talaga? Kahit ilan?" Nagsimula akong mamili ng mga kulay. Plum shades,
brick reds, wine red. Oh, so many to choose from.
"Dalawa lang."
I choose three shades of lipsticks and a waterproof mascara anyway. Kuripot na tao
ni Shane so if the opportunity knocks, I would shove everyone out of my way to the
door.
After thirty more minutes of walking endlessly through the department store we
decided it's time to grab some drinks before heading back to the parking lot.
"Pulang pula ang sasakyan," puna ko nanaman nang mapansin ang bagong kulay ng
sasakyan ni Shane. "Buti pumayag ang Kuya mo na ipa-modify 'yan."
Sa pagkakatanda ko, ayaw na ayaw ng Kuya niya na baguhin ang ano man sa sasakyan
kahit pa binigay na ito kay Shane noong college freshmen year,
One time, Shane got the driver's seat refurnished and Kuya Tristan was so furious
Shane ended up commuting for two weeks.
"Kuya's busy stressing his ass off for the bar exam to even care." Shane started
the engine.
Five months in the hospital was quite long and Shane rarely tells anything about
what's happening with him unless you prompt him to. Like during my college freshmen
and I was video calling him about my orientation. We were talking like normal until
I noticed the cast on his arm. If I didn't point it out he would never tell me he
got into a minor accident with his brother while driving.
"How about Tito?"

We we're heading out of the mall to the national road when Shane snickered. "Busy
kissing people's ass for the next election."
"Hey!" I nudged him and nearly spill the cup of iced caramel macchiato inside the
car. He'd kill me if I did.
"He's a good congressman. Siya ang nagpa-ayos ng daan sa baranggay malapit sa

village natin." I remember hearing about his projects bago ako naconfine.
Shane scoffed. "Because the village would benefit more than the local people in the
area. Come on, Gab. It's not like you have no idea about politics."
"Whatever," ismid ko. Naaasar ako pag tama siya.
Pagdating namin sa bahay, nagpark si Shane sa driveway at nagmadali akong lumabas

ng sasakyan. Binuksan ko agad ang pinto at nagsisigaw sa loob ng bahay.
"Welcome back to me!"
Umiiling na sumunod si Shane. "Baliw na talaga."
Tahimik ang bahay. Mukhang walang tao. Napansin ko agad ang pagbabago dito. There's
obviously a change in paint color on the windowsill, added wooden chairs on the
counter, and colorful quilt pillows. Grandma really made this rather bleak home
cozy.
And there's the familiar ones welcoming me. The worn-out sofa with cushion pushed
deep because of all those jumping up and down while singing It's My Life by Bon
Jovi on New Year's Eve. Ah, what a tradition.
Then there's the white cabinets of tea cups my mom stops collecting years back. But
still, forty something pair of tea cups and saucers was really something. The house
plants! I'm glad they're still alive. Hinawakan ko ang mga dahon nila isa isa
habang nakabilad sila sa mahabang mesa malapit sa bintana.
I didn't know I would miss the things I usually disregard in every day basis.
"Tapos ka ng i-welcome ang sarili mo?"
Shane was on a corner, rubbing sanitizers all over his calloused hands. Of course,
the sets of sanitizers, alcohol and disinfectant. They're in trays attached to the
wall. Meron sa front door, sa kusina, sa hallway, at bago ka pumasok ng kwarto ko.
They're everywhere.
"Where are they?"
Pumunta ako sa back door ng kitchen at nakita si Mamala sa ilalim ng mango tree
habang inaayos ang ilang pagkain sa mesa. There's a huge strawberry cake in there
and dozen of chocolate chip cookies. There's also a tray of potato chips, vegetable
sticks and humus. Kung wala lang gulay, maluluha na talaga ako.
"Mamala!"
I run and hugged her small frame. Why Mamala? Shorten version of Mama Lola. From
the back gate of the garden, Iñigo came biking from the back street and parked his
tall bike against the fence.
"I miss you, bro-dah!"

I open my arms for a hug pero sumimangot lang siya at hindi ako pinansin. Ganyan
'yan. Sarap sapakin kung minsan. Umupo kaming lahat sa garden chairs. Parang
picnic!
"Dumaan ka nanaman sa bahay ng crush mo, no?" pang-aasar ko sa kapatid ko. 'Yon
lang naman ang dahilan kaya siya dumadaan sa likod ng village.
Umirap siya. Grabe. Mas magaling pa siya sa'kin umirap. "Ikaw kasi single habang
buhay."
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko habang sumusubo ng strawberry cake. Aba, aba! Personalan?
Tumawa nang mahina si Mamala. Hindi siya kumakain maliban sa fresh lemonade na nasa
mason jars. Hindi siya masyadong mahilig sa matatamis.
Me? I couldn't imagine life without sweets.
Inabot ni Shane ang panyo sa'kin because I was making a mess from the white icing
of the cake. "Kumain ka muna bago magsalita. Nagkakalat ka."
"Single daw ako habang buhay?" sabi ko kay Shane.
"Nandito naman ako," sagot niya na pinunasan ang labi ko. "Para ampunin ka kung
sakaling wala ng gustong mag-alaga sayo kapag matanda ka na."
Sinapak ko nga. Isa pa e.
After we eat and clean after ourselves, nagpaalam na si Shane. At six in the
evening, Mamala was at the kitchen cooking a healthier dinner of beef broccoli
while Iñigo was at the living room, slumped on the sofa, watching a basketball game
while chatting someone on his phone. Mang-aasar sana ako pero baka bumalik lang
sa'kin.
Kumuha ako ng maliit na slice ng strawberry cake na inakyat ko sa kwarto ko. I was
wearing my strawberry print pajama set and happily humming random tunes.
Nilapag ko ang plate sa kwarto, tinabi ang ilan pang nakapatong dito tulad ng mga
libro, marble ornaments and clear bottles of dried flowers and stems.
Pinagmasdan ko ang kwarto ko habang ngumunguya ng cake. The thin white curtains,
the dream catchers hanging above my bed frame, the corner of black wall painted
with huge soft pink flowers and the vintage looking dressers.
Pabagsak akong humiga sa kama. I stared at the familiar ceiling and the familiar
lightnings and the familiar smell of the soft sheets. Ngumiti ako na parang baliw.
I miss my bed. I miss my room. I miss the house and everything in it.
I miss living.
***
Chapter 7 - Phenomenal: Six

I was waiting for Shane to answer the call while painting my nails with black and
red nail polish on my bed. All black with a red ring finger. Maingat na maingat ako
sa ginagawa habang paulit ulit na pinipindot ang screen ng phone kapag hindi siya
sumasagot.
Nang matapos ko ang isang kamay humiga ako sa kama at tinaas ang kamay ko para
makita ang resulta. Not bad.
Sumagot si Shane and I tap the loudspeaker button para pwede kong ipagpatuloy ang
ginagawa habang kausap siya.
"Where are you?" tanong ko habang ang isang kamay naman ang pinipinturahan.
"Driving." And indeed I could make up the silent purr of his car and his hollowed
voice. Siguro ay pauwi na siya galing intership. "Bakit? May ipapabili ka?"
"Hanapan mo ako ng boyfriend."
Narinig ko ang ingay ng preno ng sasakyan na akala ko noong una naaksidente na

siya. "Hoy? Buhay ka pa?" tanong ko.
"What the fuck, Gab! 'Wag mo akong kinugulat habang nagda-drive." Sabog ang boses
niya sa speaker.
"Ano ba'ng nakakagulat sa sinabi ko? Hanapan mo ako ng boyfriend."
I heard him say something under his breath. Did he curse? Did he sigh? The silent
purr continued and I know he's back on driving.
"Bakit mo biglang naisip? Takot ka bang maging forever alone?" Ngayon nakakapagbiro
na siya.
"Wala lang," binalik ko ang atensyon sa nails ko.
"Naasar ka sa kapatid mo? Nagbibiro lang si Iñigo."
Umiling ako kahit hindi niya nakikita. "I just wanna get a boyfriend before I turn
twenty two."
This time, I heard him sigh. Loudly. Na para akong bata na nagpapabili ng laruan na
hindi ko kailangan. "Minsan talaga ang sarap mong iuntog sa pader."
Wow ah. "Ang cute mo, sarap mong tusukin ng isang daang karayom," bawi ko.
I heard his familiar chuckle from the speakers. "Pag-isipan ko."
"Na tusukin ka ng karayom?"
"Na hanapan ka."
Sumimangot ako nang matapos ang tawag. Pag-isipan? Ganoon ba ako kahirap hanapan ng
boyfriend? Pinag-isipan ko ang sarili kong tanong and realized Shane has a point.
Am I pretty? No. Do I have a good personality? Also no.
***
Chapter 8 - Phenomenal: Seven

I was in the middle of brushing my teeth this morning and talking to Mamala in the
bathroom kitchen when Shane came right into the door. It's barely six in the
morning and he's right there, standing at the foyer with his running shoes, shorts,
and sweatshirt and sweaty hair.
"Aga aga ah," puna ko habang nagsisipilyo, white froth dripping from my chin.
Nagmano siya kay Mamala saka umupo sa counter at naghanap ng makakain. Akala mo
talaga bahay niya 'to. "Nag-aya kapatid mo na magbiking."
Tumigil ako at agad nagmumog at naghilamos. "Sama ako!"
Tiningnan niya ako na parang ewan, his nose scrunched up, his thick eyebrows
furrowed, habang ngumunguya ng cookies na galing sa glass container.
"Pwede pa ang bike ko 'dyan."
"Baka mapagod ka lang," sabi ni Shane pero hindi ko na siya pinapakinggan kasi
paakyat na ako ng hagdan.
Pagbaba ko nakabihis na ako ng pang biking. Red running shoes, black leggings and
navy blue shirt. Nasa living room na din ang masungit kong kapatid, wearing a
bright yellow rubber shoes.
"Malayo ang pupuntahan namin. Baka magpauwi ka lang 'pag napagod ka," simangot
niya.
"Kasing-layo ng hindi mo pag-abot sa crush mo?" pang-aasar ko na nakataas pa ang

kilay.
"Kasing layo ng pagkakaroon mo ng boyfriend."
Hahabulin ko sana siya para sapakin pero nagmadali siyang lumabas sa living room.
Tahimik lang na tumawa si Shane bago kami sumunod sa labas.
Nagbiking kami buong umaga sa village. Medyo nahirapan akong gamitin ang itim kong
bike dahil ilang months din siyang hindi nagamit.
Lumabas kami sa village at dumaan sa kagagawang daan at naglibot sa kalapit sa

baranggay. It was still early in the morning. The sun just risen and I don't have
to worry about being outside too much.
Hinihingal ako, yes. There were times I had to stop to catch my breath. Shane said
it wasn't a good idea na isama ako. But I did love it, biking that morning.
I love how the first rays of the sun touches my sweaty skin or how the sunshine
slips through the houses and the trees. I love seeing the grass and wild flowers on
the side of the road and the nearby empty fields at the north part of the village.
There are times I would close my eyes to feel the crisp morning air against my face
and the sunshine behind my eyelids. The thing about being sick, it makes you
appreciate the smallest things.
Huminto kami sa basketball court ng village. My brother started shooting hops with
a random ball left behind on the court. Sinamahan siya ni Shane sa ilang minutong
laro bago siya bumalik sa kinauupuan ko, hinihingal.
"Iba na talaga 'pag tumatanda," puna ko nang umupo siya sa tabi ko sa damuhan.
Nagpunas siya ng pawis gamit ang maliit na towel na dala niya.
"Napag-isipan mo na ba? May irereto ka na ba sa'kin?" tanong ko.
Sinilip niya ako mula sa towel sa kanyang mukha. "Seryoso ka pala doon?"
I gave him a deadpan look before rolling my eyes.
"At sa'kin ka talaga nagrequest." Nagpatuloy siya sa pagpupunas ng pawis at ng

buhok.
"Distract yourself." Ngumiti ako ng mapang-asar. "Malay mo makahanap ka din ng

lalake-"
Binato niya sa mukha ko ang basa niyang twalya. Ew!
***
Chapter 9 - Phenomenal: Eight

Matapos ang ilang araw na pangungulit kay Shane, finally he set me up on a date
with his former engineering classmate. So here I am in front of the mirror deciding
on what to wear and what make-up look should I be aiming.
I decided to go with a white dress with a black jacket and boots, and a light make-
up to finish it off. This isn't me at all, girly, dandy and cute. Oh well, I don't
wanna scare him on the first date.
The jacket perfectly hid the bruises on my arms. It's perfectly sunny outside but I
gotten used to jackets, cardigans and sweaters. Though the bruises surely have a
kick in my confidence.
I was humming when I went down the living room. Iñigo was watching basketball game
again in the flat screen TV. Ah, guys and their never changing love for basketball
games.
He scrunched up his nose when he saw me. Akala mo nakakita ng 'di kaaya-aya.
Sapakin ko 'to e.
"Saan ka naman pupunta?"
"On a date," ngisi ko. Hah, akala niya ah.
"With Kuya Shane?"
What unpleasant words. "No."
Binalik niya ang tingin sa TV. "Pangit mo."
Muntik kong kunin ang sapatos ko para ibato sa kanya. Then I remember, I should be
prim and proper. Bawal ang magaslaw ngayong araw. And knowing Iñigo, kapag sinabi
niyang pangit, it means for the first time I look presentable.
I arrived at the coffee shop five minutes early so I grabbed some drinks. Caramel
macchiato for me and a chocolate eclair. While waiting for my order, Shane checks
on me.
Dumating na date mo? He texted.
The barista called my name while typing my reply to Shane. I sent it immediately
and went to the counter to get my tray. Not yet. Maaga pa naman.
Binuhat ko ang tray paakyat sa second floor ng coffee shop. Mas konti ang tao at
mas tahimik. Unlike below with the continuous pour of caffeine searching people.
As I was putting my tray on the table my grip and balance suddenly loosens and
before I know it, the tray and my coffee and pastry came dropping down the floor in
a mess.
Oh my God.
It was all a mess. A few of the people on the second floor stares at the commotion
I've caused. Thank god there's only four of them. Buti nalang umakyat ang isa sa
mga staff ng coffee shop at nakita ang kalat. Bumaba siya ulit para kumuha ng
panglinis at para palitan ang natapon kong pagkain.
"I'm really really sorry," sabi ko habang mina-mop niya ang sahig. Pinalipat niya
ako sa bakanteng table habang hindi pa natutuyo ang table na nilinis niya.
"Okay lang, ma'am," ngiti niya. "Mag-isa kayo?"
"I'm waiting for someone."
When the mess was cleared, I sat back on my newly cleaned table with a new set of
coffee. I told Shane yesterday that I didn't want my date to know I'm sick... for
now. But I guess it couldn't be helped.
I was halfway from my caramel macchiato and people-watching, when I noticed the
time. Late na ang date ko ng thirty minutes. Good thing I brought one of the book
Shane and I bought on my first day out of hospital.
After an hour and ten chapters, he's still not here. Did something happened? I
checked on my messenger. Shane gave me his Facebook account the other day and he
looks decent to be honest. Should I chat him?
Biglang nagmessage sa'kin si Shane. Musta date?
I typed back. Still not here.
It took him a while to reply. The typing bubble keeps appearing and disappearing in
our chat box. Then out of nowhere he called me.
"Wala pa siya dyan?" tanong niya sa iritadong tono. It's a bit noisy in his
background. Baka nasa internship pa siya.
"Nope," sagot ko.
"Ilang oras ka ng naghihintay?"
"An hour, I guess?" I played it down since it's Shane and I don't want him to
worry. "I'm good though. Uwi na din ako niyan."
He cursed under his breath. "Text me kapag nakauwi ka na."
"Will do."
But of course, hindi ako uuwi agad. Sayang naman ang pagpunta ko sa mall. So I
searched on my phone for what's showing in cinemas right now. At sakto, there's a
decent movie I've been aiming to watch since I saw its trailer.
So from the coffee shop, I went to the third floor cinema and lined for my ticket.
I also bought a huge tub of cheesy popcorn and bottled water. I was hurling the
entire thing to the entrance gate with my ticket, and the good guard helped me set
it down to tear the ticket stub and open the gates.
I was emotionally wrecked by the movie's realistic depiction of a mother and her
kick-ass daughter in a conservative catholic school. By the time I was walking out
of the cinema, Shane already had five missed calls on my phone. Ano'ng problema
niya? I called him back almost instantly.
"Hey-"
"Akala ko umuwi ka na. Nandito ako sa bahay niyo."
The heck? Masyado siyang nagpapaniwala sa'kin. "Nandito pa ako sa mall."
Bumuntong hininga siya. "Okay, sunduin kita."
I was sipping milk tea I bought and lined for for fifteen minutes when Shane texted
me he's already in front of the mall. He looks pretty annoyed noong pumasok ako sa
sasakyan.
"What? Galit ka?" paghahamon ko. Ganda ganda ng mood ko, pati lasa ng milk tea
sinisira niya.
"Tinawagan ko kaklase ko kanina, sabi niya may importante siyang lakad," sabi niya
habang nagmamaneho. "Damn him. Sana sinabi niya ng maaga."
"Okay lang. I enjoyed my free time. Matagal din akong hindi nakagala nang mag-isa."
sumipsip ako sa milktea. "Looks like the first one's a fail, huh?"
He whipped his head in my direction. "There's no second time," mariin niyang

sinabi.
I dismissed his statement off. "It's just coincidence and it's not like it's new."
I remembered in high school whenever someone shows interest or tries to get close
to me, they either don't show up on dates or had change of hearts the next day.
"Do I scare people away?" tanong ko kay Shane.
Bumaling siya sa'kin. "You're scary," sabi niya. "You're a warrior."
Ngumiti ako. That's the exact words I expected from him.
***
Chapter 10 - Phenomenal: Nine

I was bored, bored out of my mind. After the failed first date I had a hard time
insisting Shane to set me up on a second one.
"Mamamatay ka ba sa boredom?"
He was in front of his laptop, typing, with his face illuminated by the monitor.
He's video calling me through messenger on his phone, probably propped somewhere
beside his laptop.
I was lying in bed. The lower half of my body was on the cushion and the upper half
was lazily sliding down the thick mattress, with my head reaching the floor.
"Yeah," sagot ko sa kanya.
"Sumama ka sa'kin bukas."
"Oh my God saan-" I got too excited and I ended up sliding all the way down the
floor. "Ouch," hawak ko sa ulo ko. But at least my phone was safe on my hands.
"What the hell?" Shane's full face was on the screen, trying to decipher what's
happening. Kung pwede lang tumalon palabas ng screen baka ginawa na niya.
"Nahulog lang sa kama," I scratched my head and stood up from the ungraceful fall.
Shane sighed so loudly it almost came crackling through the speakers. "Shit mag
ingat ka naman, Gab."
"Sana lahat ng nahuhulog, nasasalo," biro ko.
He gave me a deadpan look so intense I was the one who bursted out laughing.
Here's the deal. The thing about Shane is he rarely, rarer than a blue moon, ask me
to accompany him. Unless when it comes to his mother, Tita Mary.
And I was right, because the day he asked me to accompany him was Tita's death
anniversary.
"Sorry, hindi ko agad naalala," sabi ko kay Shane nang umupo sa passenger seat ng
sasakyan niya. I clicked on the seat belt but Shane ended up double checking it
because I haven't been fastening it completely.
"Naalala ko din lang kahapon," sabi niya.
Liar. He rarely forgets anything about his Mom. Even if she's gone several years
ago.
We arrived at the cemetery. Shane put a fresh bouquet of her mom's favorite
flowers, pink roses. He sat there talking to her and once in a while wiping his
eyes.
That's maybe why I'm the one he often calls up during moments like this. Because
he's still afraid to show others how weak he could be.
Tita Mary was a friend of my Mom who died in a car accident. I remember Shane not
attending school for two months. I remember him being thin and lanky and how he
cried in front of me and told me how scared he was to be left alone.
His mom was his greatest companion. That's why I promised him that day that I'll
stay beside him no matter what, so he won't be alone anymore. But things ended up
differently because without Shane, I'm gonna feel so lonely.
***
Chapter 11 - Phenomenal: Ten

Finally, after several more days of pestering him, Shane set me up on a second
date. And this time the guy, Shane's group mate in the internship from a different
university, appeared.
But God, it was such a bad date. He's worse than Shane. Kagagaling niya lang sa
breakup and all he could talk about was his ex. So there I was, ending up
counselling him and giving him love advice like I was an expert.
Heck, if I'm an expert I won't be doing this. And guess what? He ended up thanking
me and promised to man up and talk to his ex after hearing a female side of the
situation. It was such a strange day. Dating is indeed tiring.
Pag-uwi ko sa bahay, nabigla ako nang makitang may nakaparadang police car sa
harapan. Biglang kumabog ang dibdib ko. Even mom's car was at home.
I immediately went inside and saw all of them in the living room. My mom, two
police officers, and Iñigo. Mamala was in the nearby kitchen, listening.
"What happened?" tanong ko kay Mamala. The conversation at the living room was so
serious I was afraid to disturb them.
"May nangyaring aksidente sa labas ng village, Gabby, and the victim is paralyzed
in the hospital."
"Oh my God," gulat kong sabi. Then I clumped up my mouth dahil bigla silang
tumingin sa'kin.
Sari-saring scenario ang pumasok sa isip ko. Maliban sa mountain bike, ginagamit
din ni Iñigo minsan ang kotse ni Mamala.
"Witness siya."
My train of thoughts going full speed went into a complete halt. "Witness?"
"It was a hit and run. Nagba-biking daw si Iñigo ng umaga at nakita niya. Siya ang
tumawag sa ambulansya at sa baranggay."
I stared at Iñigo who was talking seriously to the officers, relaying everything he
had witness in such a calm and mature manner. My little brother who I often tease
is not so little anymore. I always take him as a child. When did he grow up so
fast?
At the dinner table that evening, mom was silent. Iñigo apologizes for the nth time
that day. "Sorry, Ma."
"You don't have to apologize," sabi ni Mama. "Pero dapat sinabi mo sa'min. Imagine
the fear I felt when I heard the call from your Lola telling there were police
asking for you."
I know Mom. I know how hectic her schedule could be and how she had to practically
pull out a replacement doctor from thin air whenever she have emergencies like
this. And I know how worried she could be. Her eyes were red. She must have teared
up.
Dinner's almost done when Mom asked me. "Saan ka nanggaling, Gabriel?"
"Just... somewhere," sagot ko.
She didn't probe any further. She's tired. "'Wag mong pinapagod ang sarili mo."
That night, I told Shane about my second failed date and about the incident with
the police.
"Narinig ko nga 'yong aksidente noong isang linggo. Pero hindi ko alam 'yong kay
Iñigo."
"Yeah, I thought so," I told him through the phone na nakatapat sa tenga ko habang
nakahiga sa kama at nakatitig sa kawalan.
"Ba't ang lungkot mo?"
"I just thought he's all grown up, you know," my voice breaks. "My family revolves
around my sickness sometimes and Iñigo has been left alone nearly every time."
Especially noong unang chemo ko. It was when Iñigo was growing up but we're rarely
there for him. Kaya dito tumira si Mamala sa bahay para may kasama siya.
Noong bata pa siya ako 'yong madalas kasama niya. I was the one pushing the
strollers. I was the one who taught him how to ride a bike. I was the one shooing
other kids and defending him.
Seeing how grown-up he was earlier I felt like I missed a lot of things. I do
regret not watching my brother grow up. But I'm proud he grew up this way even with
a messy family.
***
Chapter 12 - Phenomenal: Eleven

It's Sunday. Mamala and I went to church early morning. Mamala's a religious
person. She and my Lolo met a church mass when they were young.
I wonder what it's like meeting the love of your life and just knowing it's the
person you'd spend your whole life with. Imagine the commitment and willingness to
stay by one's side forever. Though forever wasn't given to them. Mamala's still
here, my Lolo has been long gone.
I listen along the mass and watch the people praying, seeking comfort or peace in
the place. What are they praying for? What are their hopes? It must have been a lot
because of the way their shoulders shake while they're on their knees.
Whenever Mamala's done praying, her eyes would be red and teary and she would hug
me tight as though I'm a big part of the things she tells God.
And there's part of the mass when you would confess your sins and ask for
forgiveness. And that's mostly when I get emotional. Because I know I'm not worthy
to ask things from Him.
So I pray for other people. I pray for my brother, my mother, and for Mamala. I
pray for my Lolo who's already in heaven and pray that wherever Dad is, I hope he's
well. I also pray for Shane and his family.
And then I pray for people with me in the church. I hope that He would hear them
too, like the way He listens to me on my darkest times. I don't usually ask much.
There are people who had it worse than me. So I ask for strength for me to keep
going and the courage to face things, whatever they may be.
Matapos ang mass nakita namin si Shane at ng Dad niya sa labas ng church. I know
they'd be here, namention ng pari ang pamilya Argueles sa thanksgiving.
Nagmano ako sa Dad ni Shane. He told me it's the first time he saw me in a long
time and wish for my health to stay stable. Nag-usap sila ni Mamala sandali and
Shane and I walked to the side near the church, watching people.
"You wanna go with me?" tanong ko.
"Saan ka nanaman tatakas?"
Nakahalukipkip ang braso niya habang nakasandal sa pader. He's looking pretty
decent today, even wearing a gray polo shirt tucked at the elbows.
"There's a newly open coffee shop near the village. Gusto kong puntahan."
He sighed. "Sinasabi ko na nga ba pupuntahan mo 'yon."
I stepped in front of him and smiled my most angelic smile. After all, I'm wearing
a dress today which Mamala insisted. It's close to being angelic right?
Sumimangot siya, the thing when one corner of his lips pull down displeasingly. But
I know him too well to know na konting pangungulit pa, papayag din siya.
Nakauwi kami sa bahay matapos ang mass. Hinatid ni Shane ang Dad niya at isa pang
kasama bago dumerecho sa'min. Pagdating niya, nakaabang na ako gamit ang bike ko.
Sumilip siya mula sa bintana ng nakaparada niyang sasakyan sa pavement. "Ano 'yan?"
"Ito gamitin natin, malapit lang naman. Angkas mo ako."
"Mabigat ka."
"Arte mo."
And that's the reason why Shane, wearing all decent attire was on my bike, and me,
wearing a floral dress was sitting at the small carrier while he's biking across
the golden fields of the back part of the village. Big fluffy clouds rolled low
across the sky and October air was chilly even in mid-morning.
Tinaas ko ang isang kamay ko na tila inaabot ang langit habang ang isa ay nakahawak
sa bewang ni Shane.
"Baka mahulog ka," he warned.
"I love the blueness of the sky," I whispered. "Don't you think it's the prettiest
color?"
Bahagya siyang lumingon and I could make up the smile at the corner of his lips.
We parked the bike in front of the coffee shop. I had my camera and a notebook with
me. It became a habit to bring this particular notebook with me.
The coffee shop was refreshing. It's full of green plants on the inside, and dark
wooden chairs and tables. Also, those black rustic looking lamps hanging from the
ceiling add to the ambiance.
"Tuwang tuwa ka nanaman," sabi ni Shane nang makitang nagniningning ang mga mata
ko. Pretty coffee shops are my weakness.
Dumerecho kami sa counter kung saan nakalagay ang mga pastries at listahan ng mga
inumin. I don't know what the cakes and breads are called but they all look
scrumptious.
I took a picture and clips of almost everything. The plants, the exposed beams on
the ceiling with the hanging lamps, the glass that contains the cakes and pastries
and our orders, caffé latte for a change, and caffé americano for Shane.
"Happy?"
Tumango-tango ako habang tinitikman ang cheese cake nila.
"Buti nalang single ka no? Para may nahihila ako sa mga ganitong bagay."
Sumulyap siya sa'kin habang hinahalo ang kape niya. "Pwede mo naman ako sabihan.
Darating ako."
I took a sip of my own coffee. "Shane."
He gave me a questioning gaze instead of answering.
"Gusto kong makita ang dagat. Matagal na akong hindi nakakapunta sa dagat."
"Malayo," sabi niya like it wasn't the obvious. We're like smack right in the
middle of Luzon.
"Sasamahan mo naman ako, di ba?"
He must have noticed the earnest in my voice. "Syempre naman. Nakakahiya naman
sa'yo."
Bumungisngis ako. Saka biglang may naalala. "Wait. Wala ako noong birthday mo."
It was my third month in the hospital and though he brought a piece of cake from
his celebration, hindi ko siya masyadong nabati because I was under medication that
time.
"Hindi ko gusto 'yang iniisip mo," babala niya.
But too late, I was already at the counter ordering a small blueberry cheesecake.
And of course with a candle. Dinala ko ito sa table namin with the single blue
candle lit.
"Happy birthday to you," kumanta ako. Shane was groaning on his chair, sliding
lower and lower in embarrassment. Pero nakangiti siya at alam kong tahimik na
tumatawa.
"Happy birthday to you." Maging ang mga customer sa shop nakikanta din. Shane was
shaking his head pero hindi mapigilan ang ngiti niya nang hipan niya ang kandila.
We cheered. I took a picture of Shane and his cake. Shane was staring at me, and
just like Mamala with her prayers I heard my name from Shane's wish.
***
Chapter 13 - Phenomenal: Twelve

When we were in high school, our friends often tease Shane and me because of our
closeness. They said it was obvious we're more than friends, or Shane would leave
any of his girlfriends if I say so, or the reason why I couldn't get a boyfriend
was because he threatens them behind my back.
But I don't take them seriously and even tease with them. Shane's just a good
person who couldn't get his priorities right before Cheska, and I was just, you
know, unlucky with my love life.
But behold, a miraculous thing just happened. I finally clicked with someone. Shane
finally got me a decent date. He's one of his internship buddies who aren't hung up
on his ex.
We hit it off early. He was early at our meeting place. He even chatted me and
asked what I want so he could order it right away. He's a nerdy-smart type and
there's a part of me who's sucker for that. Our conversations was long and
interesting, and he had this hearty chuckle that reminds me of Shane whenever he's
happy.
After our conversation at the coffee shop, we went to watch a superhero movie,
which he admitted he had watch for the second time, which I find cute.
We walked around the mall to find a place to have lunch. And then he suggested to
go outside to check the Korean barbecue restaurant nearby. So we walked a bit, got
into the restaurant, and minutes later he was grilling the meat for me.
By afternoon, we visited a product exhibit I didn't know was happening in the

convention hall near the mall. I wished I took my camera with me because there's a
lot of interesting things to capture, especially those Japanese tea cups. They were
costly but I had wished to buy them for Mom.
It was fun. But the thing is, I couldn't tell my date I was tired. I was enjoying
myself, yes. But I couldn't tell him I need to stop and go home. I couldn't tell
him I'm sick.
I was riding the bus on the way home. It's late afternoon and I could tell the long
day was taking a toll on my body because I couldn't breathe. Everything suddenly
feels suffocating.
I tried to calm myself. There were people on the bus and I couldn't tell them
what's happening even if I wanted to. I wouldn't want to cause them inconvenience.
I counted my breath. Breathe in, breathe out. It's okay. You can make it. You're
just fifteen minutes away. Endure it. But I was already clenching my chest, my
mouth was getting drier and drier and my fingers were sweaty and trembling.
Pumara ako. Napatingin ang ilang mga tao sa'kin. We're in the middle of an open
field in a late afternoon when the sun's about to set. I stepped out the bus with
cold hands.
I need to breathe.
No one's around at the side of the rode except for the cars and bus passing by like
jets. Panandalian akong kumalma nang makahinga nang mabuti, but my fingers remained
trembling as I fumble my phone from my pocket.
Shane, please answer.
"Shane," agad kong sabi nang sinagot niya ang tawag.
He immediately noticed the crack on my voice. "What happened? Na saan ka?"
With Shane, he knows. When my breathing changes he knows. When my hands begin to
tremble he knows. He knows when I'm tired or when I need to go home, or when I stay
up late too much. I don't have to push myself when I'm with him.
Naglakad ako at hinintay si Shane sa ilalim ng isang street light. After ten
minutes huminto ang pulang sasakyan ni Shane sa tabi ng daan. He was furious. I've
never seen him this angry in a long time.
"What the fuck, Gabriel?"
"I'm sorry," sagot ko. I couldn't argue with him. I was at the wrong side.
"I told you not to push yourself too much!"
Nagdadabog siya nang isara niya ang passenger door nang makapasok ako. Umupo siya
sa driver's seat na mainit pa din ang ulo.
"I'm so so sorry."
"Kapag may nangyari sayo... kapag may nangyari..." Nahampas niya ang manibela bago
binuhay ang engine. Then he breathes out to calm himself.
I was on the brink of tears. I was really sorry.
Tahimik kaming umuwi sa bahay. Shane noticed the bruises on my arms. Nasa kamay ko
na sila kaya hindi ko matago. I told my date earlier they were bumps from being
clumsy.
I feel sleepy in the car. It was something I often feel after the breathing ordeal.
It's intense sleepiness due to the fatigue.
Shane got me the pillow from his headrest. I glance at him and closed my eyes. If I
could be selfish, I wish for him to always be by my side.
***
Chapter 14 - Phenomenal: Thirteen

Day 29 days out of hospital
Shane is still mad. That's the thing about him. Minsan lang siya magalit nang
seryoso but if he does, it will sure last for a few days. So I avoided pestering
him or asking outlandish request from him, even though all I wanted was to be back
in his good terms. Mas lalo akong nab-bore kung wala akong naaasar.
My date on the other hand, completely vanished. I mean not completely poof out of
thin air. He was able to chat me through Messenger the night after our date to ask
kung nakauwi ba ako nang maayos and then he never chat back. I was a little
deflated, honestly. I thought we clicked together but then, maybe dating isn't
really for me.
I never told mom about the incident in the bus. She'd kill me, that's for sure. It
wasn't serious anyway. I had incidents like those in the past whenever I pushed
myself too much or whenever my body feels like being a weak bitch. I'll just rest
it out and I'll be okay.
But for a reason, or maybe its her mom or doctor's instincts, she checked me up
this morning and took a tube of blood from my veins to be read in the hospital
later. It's a regular thing she does, but now I became a bit restless. The last
thing I want is to know that my body is back to its usual condition that needs
hospital.
It's mid-morning and the house is a little dead. Iñigo is outside as usual, on his
semester break, savoring the free time of youth. Just kidding, he's at a band
practice. You know in school, those trumpets and drums thing. He's very active in
those kind of things. A little nerdy, but passionate.
Mamala's probably cooking something in the kitchen or tending her gardens at the
back of the house. She mentioned about making a salad earlier during breakfast. She
has nice plots of lettuce and herbs in there, maybe I should help her.
I jumped out of bed and stare at my messy self in the mirror. I don't usually do
that, the vainly staring at any reflective object to checks on myself. Because
first, I usually don't like what I look like. Don't get me wrong, I'm all into
positivity and stuff and loving yourself, but if your face is puffy, and your skin
is bad, and your hair is falling, and you're gaining and losing weight because of
side effects of medicines, sometimes staring at the face you see in the mirror gets
a little hard. Because sometimes, it doesn't feel like it's you.
I did little finger brushes on my uncombed hair. Bumaba ako sa sala habang hina-hum
ang kanta ng pinanood kong movie kanina lang. Paikot na ako sa counter papunta sa
backdoor nang mapansin ko ang isang papel na nakaipit sa ilalim ng garapon ng
cookies.
Inabot ko ito at kumuha ng cookies sa jar habang binabasa ang papel palabas ng
bahay.
Ooh. A neighborhood Halloween party. It says here there will be a trick or treat
for kids and costume party for adults at the village pavilion this weekend.
"Mamala, nakita mo na 'to?" tanong ko sa nakaupong si Mamala habang nagpuputol ng

lettuce heads sa taniman niya.
She's very hands on with this, being a retiree and all. Dati siyang elementary
school teacher, she's even my teacher during Grade three.
"Kabibigay lang?" tanong ko ulit habang ngumunguya ng cookies at hawak ang flyer.
"Oo, Gabby. Kaninang umaga lang," sagot niya nang ilagay ang lettuce sa katabing
basket.
Ngumisi ako. Ngising may pina-plano. "Mamala, akyat ako ulit. Tulong ako mamaya."
Tumakbo ako pabalik sa bahay at paakyat sa kwarto ko. I shouldn't do any running
right now considering how bad my body is in exerting any amount of labor, pero
kailangan mauna ako para may dahilan akong i-chat siya.
Nagdive ako sa kama, completely crumpling my thick purple duvet. Inabot ko ang
phone na nakapatong lang sa gilid. I held the paper away from me to take a picture
of it and when it's done, I automatically send the picture to Shane.
Game? I typed the caption.
Nagpagulong-gulong ako sa kama sa kahihintay ng reply niya. I look stupid, I'm not
gonna lie. But I couldn't bare when Shane's mad at me. I'd rather not hear from him
for months knowing he's busy with something, than have his silence grilling me for
a few days knowing he's mad at me.
I stared at our chat box. Maybe I shouldn't have added the caption. Maybe the
picture's enough. Did I sound persuasive? Maybe I should have been a little cold,
or maybe I should follow through with another chat. Argh!
Hindi siya nagreply. How annoying.
Lumipas ang umaga na hindi niya ako sineen kahit naka-online siya. Nakakainis
naman. Nakakapag online naman siya kahit nasa internship siya. Kahit period na
sagot wala.
Kumakain ako sa kusina kasama si Mamala habang nakasimangot na parang nalugi sa

negosyo. Tinutusok tusok ko ang salad na tinulungan ko si Mamala na ihanda at
timplahan kanina pero parang wala na akong gana.
"Mukhang nalugi ka."
"Di ba?" sabi ko na iniangat ang paningin. "Mukha na ba akong stress, Mamala?"
Hinawakan ko ang mukha ko. "Mag face mask tayo mamaya, hah?"
Ngumiti siya. "Hindi ka ba makakapunta sa Halloween party?"
Mas lalo akong sumimangot. I almost look like a pouting child. "Hindi naman-"
"Hinatid pa naman ni Shane 'yong flyer para sumama ka."
Nagpreno ang utak ko. 'Yong tipong handa na akong magdahilan at nakapila na ang
isasagot ko pero parang tren na biglang huminto. "Hinatid ni Shane?"
"Oo, dumaan siya dito kanina."
'Yong ngiti ko hindi mawari. Para akong biglang nakapulot ng isang libo at
tinapakan ang lupa para walang ibang makakita. Hehehe. Galit pala Shane ah.
When I finished lunch and cleaning the kitchen, I dashed out of the kitchen to get
my phone. And then there it was. Ang reply ng tarantadong Shane.
Alam ko.
Dalawang salita lang 'yon pero 'yong buntong hininga ko hindi mawari. Kapag ganyan
na ulit ka-sarcastic ang sagot niya, ibig sabihin okay na kami. Hindi tulad nitong
mga nakaraan na okay lang, hayaan mo na. What pieces of craps. Napatalon ako sa
kwarto at napasayaw pa. Sabi na eh, hindi mo ako matitiis.
Punta tayo.
Ano costume mo?
Matchy tayo ah.
He instantly replied. Isa pang Patrick at Spongebob costume ihuhulog kita sa

sasakyan.
Bumungisngis ako habang nagrereply. What? Mabenta ang costume naming 'yon two years
ago. You know that version of Patrick with fishnet stockings and black booths? I
made him wear it with matching pink shirt and Hawaiian shorts. It was hilarious.
Shane's a rather charming starfish.
I volunteered to do the brain storming for our costume because who else has the
most free time here? But Shane already has trust issues and doesn't want to leave
the decision making to me this year, for the fear of ending up with another
catastrophic and I say, epic costume, so we've decided to have a brainstorming
later this evening.
By six in the evening, his red car pulled over the driveway when we're just about
to have our dinner. Mom's at home and bought some lemon sponge cake, Mamala made
chicken wings and home made mashed potato. Inigo's from band practice and starving
like a lion, gulping everything in sight.
We're so used with Shane sharing meals with us that there's a reserved space for
him at the dinner table, and he always sit beside me with such ease and comfort
like he always belongs there.
I think it all sprung when we were little. Shane's Mom often go away because she's
a volunteer doctor and she would call my Mom for Shane to eat with us. Until such
time he's basically living with us and was part of every meal portion. Isa na siya
sa kasama kong nakikipag-agawan sa pagkain.
We load our plates and pass around food. Kinamusta ni Mom ang internship ni Shane.
Shane was enthusiastic while telling his tales of adventure about his job. That's
the thing about Shane. He's never shy, he's like this ray of sunshine who lights up
even in front of serious presence like my Mom.
Pinag-usapan din namin ang tungkol sa Halloween event ng village. We planned on

decorating the front yard like last years because it's compulsory for every house
in the village. Even the smallest decoration would do, like a single spider web, or
a skeleton in your bushes. While some houses would go all out, like the
congressman's house, which is also Shane's house. Last year was a spectacle,
because they rented a six feet roaring dinosaurs.
"Sasali ka sa trick of treat?" tanong ko kay Iñigo, pang-asar lang, habang payapa
siyang kumakain.
Sumimangot agad siya. "Ano ako, bata?"
"What? There's no age limit stated in the flyer. Kami nga sasama sa costume party."
"Magiging ano ka? Witch? Hindi na kailangan. Witch ka na."
Mom gave Iñigo a look over the table. But that's so like Inigo to reserve such
savage comment. Minsan mas magaling na siyang mambara kesa sa'kin.
"Naunahan ako ni Iñigo," sabi ko kay Shane matapos ang dinner at nasa living room
kami.
"Ano? Witch?" Umupo siya sa sofa at nagsindi ng TV. Kita mo na, kung umasta parang
nasa sariling bahay.
Umupo ako sa tabi niya at inagaw ang remote control sa kamay niya. Mom's already in
her room, resting. Inigo's probably in his too, on his phone and chatting his
crush. Katatapos lang namin tulungan magligpit si Mamala sa kusina.
"I'm gonna watch a murder show for costume inspiration," sabi ko habang naglilipat
ng channel.
Muling inagaw ni Shane ang remote mula sa'kin. "It's a Halloween party, not a
killing fest."
Humarap ako sa kanya at linapit ang mukha kong may mapanudyong ngiti. "Takot ka
lang, e."
Bigla akong pumalakpak. "I know! We could splatter the window with blood colored
paint, and we could make patterns with our palms na parang humihingi ng tulong.
Help... help..." I acted like a deranged monster beside Shane.
He immediately scrunched his nose and I laughed. He's easily grossed out. Kinuha ni
Shane ang flyer na pinatong ko sa coffee table while the TV was blaring a superhero
show.
"Ang sabi dito, Halloween classics."
Kumunot ang noo ko. Lumapit ako kay Shane para makita. "Classic Halloween
characters or literal classics?"
Tumingala ako kay Shane, and with all seriousness I said. "Be a sexy bunny."
His face melted in frustration and he nearly flip me out of the sofa. "I'm
kidding," I giggled when his arms were about to throw me out. "I'm kidding!"
I was out of breath, laughing at Shane's non-existent sense of humor. Dumaan si

Mamala sa living room para sabihin na aakyat na siya sa kwarto. She reminded us to
switch off the remaining lights and to lock doors.
We continue to discuss about our costumes when the rain poured outside. It
enveloped the air with comfortable silence. I asked Shane about his costume a year
ago. I never got to attend the village Halloween party because I was at the
hospital.
"Spiderman," he said. "Cheska was the catwoman."
"Kumusta kayo ni Cheska?" bigla kong tanong. The TV and the lights in the kitchen
counter were the only lights at the first floor.
"Hindi ko na siya nakakausap."
"Do you miss her?"
"Hindi ko alam," tahimik niyang sabi, almost in a whisper.
"What does being in love feels like?"
Natigilan siya at lumingon sa'kin. I crossed my pajama clad legs on the sofa and
smiled softly.
"It is all true? The anxious beating of the heart? The way you catch your breath
while staring at the person? The ache you feel when you think about them and not
being able to be with them? Are the books and movies honest about how it feels?"
Sumandal ako sa sofa at tumingala sa ceiling. Tinaas ko ang kamay ko na parang may
inaabot. "I don't think I can handle such mixture of extreme emotions. It's like
you're going to explode every time for feeling too much, right?"
Binaba ko ang kamay ko at humarap kay Shane. "Have you felt it with someone?"
"Oo."
Ngumiti ako. "Lucky you. I'm a little scared you know. What if I never fall in love
before all of this ends? What if I never find someone who can make me feel that
way? Would I ever feel it? What if I do find someone and burden them?"
"You have many what ifs."
Hinayaan ako ni Shane na sumandal sa balikat niya. "Do you think someone would
actually accept someone like me?"
Hinapit niya ako palapit. "I like being with you, so it's possible."
***
Chapter 15 - Phenomenal: Fourteen

Yesterday was a busy day. We're done with the lawn decoration, with Shane climbing
the roof to set up the cardboard witch and broom which I spent an entire day
making. We have a witch flying on the roof theme going on. We got a thumbs down
from Mom for our initial plan of bloodbath, said it's too messy.
We also have those pumpkin lights thing in the garden which Iñigo helped to set,
and some random bones hanging and sticking out of Mamala's bushes. All in all, it
looks like a proper Halloween decorated lawn. But you should have seen Shane's
house. It became a literal haunted house, complete with tiny moving makeshift
train, made out of carts for children. Shane's dad's workers set it up. The
congressman has like a dozen people working for him.
Because of the activities, I woke up tired this morning. My joints swells and
there's a persistent ache on my back and had a hard time getting out of bed. I was
used to the pain, or the lack of rest my body feels. It's like no matter how much
rest I get, it isn't always enough. I often wake up and sit at the foot of the bed
to stare in space like that meme of a fox sitting in bed.
I also surveyed my skin for new bruises. It's like a habit, scanning my skin for
unknown bruises from the simple contacts of the day before. Sometimes I don't mind
their appearance because they're always there, popping out of nowhere and leaving
after a few days. Sometimes they appear on places I couldn't hide like my hands,
knuckles, or the inside of my palms or on my foot or arms. That's when it gets
annoying because I always see them, and they have the ability to remind me of what
I've got.
But today, I don't have to mind them because I'm gonna be busy again. I'd be
searching for a vintage dress from Mamala's things because Shane and I finally
agreed to a costume. Well, not completely agreed, more on he was forced to choose
between being an alien or being a vampire, and he thinks if he choose the alien one
he might be risking for a skin tight outfit and that terrorized him. I couldn't
blame him. That's exactly my plan.
So we agreed on the vampire theme. Me, an ethereal vampire mistress living in my

abandoned castle on top of the hill surrounded by vineyards. That's the look I
would aim for. For Shane, who believes vampire costumes only consist of fake fangs
and pale skin, I need to educate him about classy, tuxedo-wearing, blood-sucking
gentlemen so I made him watch a classic vampire movie for the first time. Yes, the
first time! The audacity of him. We watched it together last night through video
call.
So yeah, that's the peg. Ah, classic. And that's why, I, Gabriel, have to wake up
early today to check on the basement for some vintage finds. Let's say we're going
thrift shopping with no budget. I should make a vlog, right? I have so many ideas.
I was humming my way in the living room, going to the kitchen to ask Mamala where
she had put the good stuff she mentioned yesterday when I passed by my Mom at the
front door on her way to work. She's checking her hair on the foyer mirror while
holding her phone against her ear with one hand.
"Fourteen business days?" she exclaimed, clearly exasperated so early in the

morning. It's not even eight. "I know it's a protocol. But can you rush the send
off of the blood test? Kung hindi, ako nalang ang pupunta sa Makati."
She finally noticed that I was watching her. She took a deep breath because I
motioned for her to do so, and proceed to talk calmer on the phone. "Okay, thanks.
Please do update me."
Humarap siya sa'kin at bumuntong hininga. "About my test?" tanong ko, referring to
the several tests I had taken when we visited the hospital for my last cycle.
"Gabriela."
Lumapit siya sa'kin and her, using my whole name, makes me a little uneasy.
"I'm okay," I said, to cut her off. "I don't feel anything strange. Just a few
usual aches. I feel okay."
She watches me, like the way a mother watches her daughter. Which was the unusual
side for me, because most of the time she's a doctor watching a patient.
"Don't tire yourself," was all she said. "I... I will make sure things are okay."
I kissed her on the cheeks and waved goodbye while standing at the balcony,
watching her gray car pull out of the driveway. She always makes promises. My Mom,
always making sure about things, always trying for ends to meet, always trying to
be the superhuman she isn't. Sometimes, I wish I could give her the chance to be a
simple mom, promising good home cook meals, not things such as the life of her sick
daughter on her hands.
At the basement, I rummaged through things. Old clothes inside dusty boxes, worn-
out shoes of years ago, old school uniforms, textbooks, random things such as faded
board games, broken sports equipment like tennis rocket, small trinkets and
memorabilia, and a huge amount of photo albums.
And me, being the sentimental girl, instead of searching for what I initially been
there for, I sat on the dusted off surface of the basement's wooden floor and just
dive inside those huge boxes of raw memories.
There's the t-shirt from our first trip in Hong Kong Disneyland when I was little
and Iñigo was still a thumb sucking baby. There's also the night stand with carved
I LOVE Cebu on the wooden frame. Then there's this huge framed picture of us on a
view deck in Tagaytay. My mom, Iñigo who was five years old in the picture, and me,
a preteen, wearing those bright orange and purple layered clothes which were so
fashionable during the early 2000s. God forbid.
I lift the frame to see closer. These were the last photographs before my Dad and
Mom filed for the legal separation. Something I don't really remember much of, but
I could feel it here, in my chest. It was a confusing time. Dad's like a cool guy,
adventurous, chill. So unlike my Mom. So when he told me he's going away that day,
I thought he's just going mountaineering or something, or just another one of his
long trips. He's an environmentalist and researchers. They say his head has always
been in the clouds and my Mom made the mistake of marrying a dreamer. But it wasn't
a mistake. Sometimes a dream is so powerful it takes a life. And my Dad's dream
requires his whole life for it.
When he left, he never came back. And I slowly learned what legal separation means.
Maybe, there's more to the situation than what I wanted to believe, but for me,
he's still the cool guy I remembered who lets me on piggy back rides and tell
stories about the moon and the changing weather and the skies. He's more like a
person I look up to, impersonal as those well-known personalities I admire. I still
read about my Dad's articles and researches every now and then, and I still search
for his works, specially the photographs. But my Mom and us, we're okay without
him.
I continue the thrift search after lunch, because I was so engulfed by every small
possessions I encountered this morning. There's the boxes of the remaining old toys
of Iñigo which he refused to give away. Then there's my old things in a box, mostly
of grade school and early high school clobber. Old notebooks and diaries, exam
results of almost a decade ago, old wallet with faded pictures and random cards. I
laughed when I saw my picture with Shane on the insides of my old wallet. He's
basically just a tall, wimpish kid with non-manageable hair years ago. And now, he
has model-like face, lean body, and soft hair, I mean, how?
Then there's also Mamala's things, which she brought in with her when she moved in
our house. I love ransacking her things the most. Mamala's a classy lady who has a
collection of broaches sealed on a wooden box; there's the emerald broach, the
bronze rose broach, the gold plated ruby one. There's also her several long
necklaces with heart-lock pendants, and pins; heart shape, flower, with carved
details. It's like visiting a vintage store, along with the classic long dresses,
floral shawls and delicate scarfs. No wonder Pops fell in love with this stylish
lady.
"May nakita kang magugustuhan mo?"
Sinamahan ako ni Mamala sa basement dahil alam niyang kung walang pipigil sa'kin,
maghapon akong mangangalkal para lang tignan isa-isa ang bawat makita ko.
"Gandang babae ka talaga Mamala," sabi ko habang hawak ang isang trophy na may
pangalan niya from a university pageant several decades ago.
Tumawa siya ng mahina. "Ikaw talaga."
"Sabi mo nagkakilala kayo ni Pops sa Ilocos?" tukoy ko kay Lolo.
"It was college. Nag-aaral palang ako ng teacher and he's training in PMA in
Baguio. Bakasyon noon and we met at the old church there."
There's a soft smile on Mamala's face.
Kinuha ko ang isang album na kasama ng mga gamit ni Mamala. Most of the pictures
were from her university days. She's a tall lady with a mestiza face. I always love
seeing old pictures and the fashion crazes back then. Just look at these bright
pastel dresses, pleated skirts, and bob-cut big hairs.
"I've never been in Ilocos," I said. "I mean, as far as I could remember."
"Mahigit siyam na oras ang byahe kaya hindi natin madalas puntahan."
I crashed my body against the sheets of Mamala's heap of old clothes on the floor.
Pinagmasdan ko ang picture na hawak ko sa nakataas kong kamay habang nakahiga.
"You look so happy in here," I said.
It's a grainy picture of Mamala and Pops on a beach, laughing with the wind in
their hair and with gigantic windmills on their background.
I turned myself sideways on the floor to grab another album lying next to the
boxes. My mom's album. There were several pictures of her and my dad with their
nineties fashion. Oversize everything, and huge teased hairs. They met after
college at an internship. My Dad has a carefree smile on the picture, with his arms
around my Mom's shoulders, also smiling.
In the picture they look so youthful, with no worries of the future, with an
infinite opportunities before them. Their smiles... would they know that years from
the picture was taken, things would change? Would they still risk their love even
if they know what the future has in store for them? Do they have any regrets? I
think people are happier then than they are now.
"Not everyone have their happy endings," I said.
But they got a happy start and maybe a happy middle. It's just that we look for
happy endings so much that what we have now is happier than what's in the end of
the road for us and we fail to realize it. Maybe happiness isn't at the ending
after all.
"But I'm happy now," I turned to Mamala with a huge grin. "This isn't the ending
yet, but I'm happy now with you, with Iñigo, with Mom, and with Shane." I lay my
hands on the floor and close my eyes. "I don't think I need a happy ending after
all."
***
Chapter 16 - Phenomenal: Fifteen

Days 35 out of hospital
The day of the Halloween, Mamala and I was busy all morning making treats and
goodie bags for trick or treat. An idea I got somewhere in the internet is to use
clear vinyl hand gloves and fill it with small treats like chocolates and candies.
I had so much fun, and eaten so much sweets in the process.
By late afternoon, we set up the treat basket on the balcony with a skeleton
sitting on a rocking chair as guard. It's nearly seven in the evening when I change
into my costume, with the party starting at eight. I change into a long cream
vintage dress with long lace butterfly sleeves and borrowed several of Mamala's
long necklace.
I also put on some vampire-ish makeup, dark lipstick, pale foundation, and strong
smokey eyes. The outcome looks ethereal. I look not only vampire-ish but like those
ladies on eighteenth century faded pictures. Watching hours of Youtube videos for
this look indeed pays off.
Nang bumaba ako sa living room, kahit si Iñigo nakabihis na. His is a Peter Pan
costume, complete with olive green shirt and tiny hat. I'm pretty sure his
girlfriend or his crush, whatever their progress is, is either Tinker Bell or
Wendy.
Pagtunog ng doorbell nagmadali si Iñigo na buksan ang pinto. And I was right!
There's this girl wearing a Wendy costume in our front door, sinusundo si Iñigo.
Sumulyap agad ako kay Iñigo, lips closed, eyes talking. Siya na ba yong crush mo?
He gave me a warning look, pero syempre lumapit ako para mang-asar at makita ang
namumula niyang mukha.
Binati ako ng babae, she even complemented my costume saying I look pretty. I like
her. She's very honest. Hehehe.
Nagpaalam sila na mauuna na sa pavilion. I waved them goodbye habang nagbibigay ng

treat sa dalawang huling batang nag-trick or treat. A little Einstein with messy
hair and square rimmed glasses and a cute little unicorn with fluffy horn headband
and soft rainbow tail na pinakita niya habang nagti-twirl. Bumalik sila sa magulang
nila na naghihintay sa sidewalk matapos makakuha ng treats.
Pabalik na ako sa loob ng bahay when Shane's car pulled up. Lumabas siya sa
sasakyan and I swear, I didn't intend for him to look like a vampire fictional
character when I thought of this costume, but he nearly fit the role it almost made
me laugh. Shane, dark, mysterious, brooding? I can't imagine.
"Saya ka?"
"You're freaking wearing the tuxedo." Hindi ko mapigilan ang ngiti ko.
"You want it to be a classic one."
I was pulling my lips close dahil hindi ko mapigilan, baka matawa ako sa harap
niya. I assessed his outfit of all black, even his hair was styled like those YA
novel vampire with deliberately messy hair. I hate how Shane could be unexpectedly
good looking.
"Tara?"
"Sandali."
Hinila ko siya sa loob ng bahay. Inabot niya ang isang goodie bag sa basket bago
pumasok.
"Hey, para sa mga bata 'yan!" But he's not listening. Kumakain na siya ng
chocolates.
Kinuha ko sandali ang ilang makeup sa kwarto ko bago bumaba ulit sa living room
kung saan siya naghihintay. Kumunot agad ang noo niya nang makita ang mga dala ko.
Para siyang bata. Nakakunot ang noo habang ngumunguya ng chocolates.
"Ano 'yan?" Nakikita ko na agad ang iritasyon sa mukha niya.
"How can you be a vampire if you're not pale?"
Pumunta ako sa harapan niya para ayusan siya. I brought my lightest colored
foundation and a lipstick. Shane's all over the place, popping chocolate in his
mouth, chewing, all while refusing to cooperate. Finally, after some strategic
skills and hand fencing, I finally put some make up on him.
"Last na 'to," sabi ko habang hawak ang lipsticks. "Your lips must be red."
"Gab, aatakihin kita," banta niya.
"You're gonna attack a sick person? Wow," I said laughing, still making him try the
shade.
"You're using the sick card now? Wow," gaya niya ang tono ko.
We're basically fencing on the sofa when Mamala came marching from the kitchen.
Napatingin siya sa'min. I was almost sitting on Shane's lap while he's trying to
stop my hand that's holding the lipstick, while his other hand was holding the back
of my waist, preventing me to fall from any clumsy movement.
Tumayo ako agad at kinuha ang mga makeup sa mesa. I smiled at Mamala. "Ibabalik ko
lang 'to sa taas."
Inaasar pa rin ako ni Shane habang naglalakad kami papunta sa pavilion. It's
walking distance from any house in the village since it's located at the center,
near the community pool and tennis court.
"Ayan, nakita na ni Mamala kung paano mo ako hina-harass."
I was walking in front of him, kaya tumalikod ako para lang simangutan siya.
"Hindi bagay ang simangot sa costume mo. Ang ganda mo pa naman ngayon."
My face brightens like I heard a good news. "Talaga?"
"Naniwala ka naman."
My face fell. "Take a picture of me," sabi ko sabay bigay ng camera sa kanya.
I took a few steps away from him and turn and twirl around. The night sky is clear
and we're under an overwhelming number of diamond stars.
"You got the shot?"
Patuloy ako sa pagtwirl at pag-ikot na parang sumasayaw sa ilalim ng langit.

Shane's laughing at me because I look like crazy, dancing and twirling on a vintage
dress on a deserted street.
"This isn't bad," I said nang makita ang isa sa mga litrato.
We continued walking and I couldn't get enough how spectacular the night sky is.
Tumingala ako habang naglalakad. Nakakalula. Napakalawak ng mundo.
"Do you believe there's really aliens from another galaxy? Or maybe there's life
other than us here on earth?"
Shane didn't even flinch sa biglaang tanong ko. Sanay na siya sa kung ano mang
pumapasok sa utak ko.
"How sad it must be not to live long enough to learn the secrets of the universe,"
I said, staring up. "Do you know a lifetime is only consist of a trip to the moon
and back? I read it somewhere that the energy of a human heart can drive twenty
miles everyday. In a lifetime, that's equivalent to driving to the moon and back.
That's why when people say I love you to the moon and back, that means they love
the person with all the energy their heart will ever create."
I held my hands on my back, walking, while Shane was behind me, patiently listening
to my rumble. "I don't know if it's true though." I said. "But you know, for
someone like me, my life could only go to the moon and never back."
Ramdam kong huminto si Shane sa paglalakad.
"I mean if I won't live long enough for my energy to fuel a trip to the moon and
back, that means I only have a one way ticket to the moon, right? So that means I'm
gonna stay and watch you guys from over there."
Tumingala ako sa maliwanag na buwan.
"I hate this part of you."
Huminto ako at lumingon kay Shane. Hindi siya nakasimangot. He's actually very
serious.
"Whenever you speak things as if you won't live long, I hate it."
Lumapit ako sa kanya at hinawakan ang magkabila niyang pisngi. "Oh, I'm so sorry,
Shane-y," I said, pulling both his cheeks to make him smile. "I'm gonna live a long
live to pester you. I'm gonna stay by your side forever until you get tired of me.
I'm gonna be the kind of Grandma who pulls prank-"
"Hindi ako mapapagod sa'yo."
Seryoso pa rin si Shane and I know there's something in his head that pains him
whenever I talk about such things. Maybe because he'd experienced lost and is
afraid to deal with it again. I pulled his head towards me and stare at his brown
eyes.
Ngumiti ako. "To the moon and back."
The party had started when we reached the pavilion. And guess what? There's a lot
of adults in the party, mom and dads who finally had a chance to enjoy themselves,
and then a kid or two running around the area.
Good thing there's a lot of food. Like basically overflowing. Mamala even made a
platter of devil's eggs that was picked up by one of the organizers this afternoon.
There's also chocolate fondue, decorated cupcakes, snacks and dips.
There's also games, then dances. I saw Iñigo and her crush-girlfriend dancing at
the corner. Shane and I also danced, but it was mostly fooling around, and unending
and headache inducing twirling, and that heart attack leap.
To judge for the best costumes, we were made to walk like runway models on the set-
up black carpet. Shane and I walked as though we're Hollywood celebrities and even
did a pose at the end, thanking our fans for their support. Shane's such a dork.
When the best costume was announced, a Frankenstein and his bride, complete with
green paint and sticking screws, it was time for the end of the program.
We went out of the pavilion to light up dozens of sparklers which was handed out by
Iñigo. It seems like his crush's parents were one of the people who organized the
party so he went in to help. He's a good kid. Always been.
The sparkles were lit up, the pictures were taken, and some of us were singing
along to the songs blaring from the karaoke and it was such a good night... a good
day.
I look up at Shane's smiling face being illuminated by the lights of the sparklers.
And I hope... I badly hope, that time would stop. I hope that days like this could
last forever.
***
Chapter 17 - Phenomenal: Sixteen

Things are getting bad again.
***
Chapter 18 - Phenomenal: Seventeen

I woke up feverish this morning. My whole body was uncomfortable, like it's on
fire. Even my breathing came in short, raspy breaths. Mamala was the first one to
noticed it when she came into my room to check on me. Then she had to call Mom
downstairs who's on her way to work.
"I'm okay," I assured them. I sat up on the bed with a smile. "Late lang akong
natulog kagabi."
But Mom didn't believe me. So instead of going to the hospital for her patients,
she made several hurried calls and stayed the whole morning, checking me up.
"Mom, I'm really okay."
She stared down at the bruises covering my arms and hands. "I need to admit you
into the hospital."
"What? No!" Muli akong umupo sa kama. "They're just occasional aches. I can
tolerate them."
She sighed, was about to say something more, but chose words. "The test results
from your last cycle wasn't good. Just because you are used to your condition
doesn't mean it isn't fatal, Gabriel. Please don't be hardheaded."
"I just started living again."
I don't want to leave and come back months later. I want to watch Mamala cook
breakfast and hear more of her stories of long ago. I want to tease Iñigo more of
his girlfriend. I want to see Mom out of hospital and just a Mom. There's still a
lot of things I wanna do outside and I don't want it stop.
"Gabriel, this is all for your sake."
And then I saw the tiredness in her eyes. Worn-out with bags under what used to be
a bright, youthful eyes of decades ago. Far from the eyes of those I saw from the
pictures at the basement. And I wonder do they have regrets choosing this path. I
wonder if my Mom would choose to still be my Mom if given a second chance. Would
she still choose to look after me?
"I'm sorry," that's all I could say to her.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I wish I could give them freedom from me.
Mom left the room to attend to some other more calls and I lay in bed, staring at
the familiar ceiling. I traced the crown molding in the air with my fingers and let
the rays of the lights between the cracks.
I wish I have someone to talk to at the moment. But Shane's busy with his
internship and Iñigo's back to school after their short semester break and had
tones of homework and activities. I wish I could go back to school too. I still
have my books and my materials with me, which all became useless when I had to drop
out of my classes when things went downhill.
I had a medicine induced sleep. It's when I chose to sleep until my medicines could
take effect so I could function normally. But when I woke up, I feel worse and when
I stood up, my feet wobbles and I fell down on the floor. It's like I'm back to day
one of my diagnosis and losing balance.
"Gabby." Mamala rushed into my room, hearing the commotion. "What happened?"
"I was break-dancing," I joked with a weak smile, sitting back on my bed. "Where's
Mom?"
"Nasa hospital siya at inaayos ang mga papeles mo. You'll be admitted tomorrow."
Mamala was packing things when Iñigo came home from school, confused on what's
happening. My brother, always the one to adjust to things.
"Ia-admit ka ulit?" he said from the doorway of my room which was quite rare of
him. Whenever he comes back from school, he always goes straight to the kitchen to
haunt snack like a hungry lion.
"Yep," I said from my bed.
"Bakit?"
We rarely had serious sibling talks. We're more on the teasing and wresting match
type of conversation. But I prefer it any day than conversations like this which I
couldn't shield him from the pains of reality.
"Things are getting bad."
I could tell he's trying not to show his emotions, trying to be the big brother in
us, trying to toughen up in situations like this. But he's just a kid.
"Magiging okay ka ba?"
"It's just for a while," I said. "So take care of yourself while I'm gone. Take
care of your girlfriend too," ngiti ko.
He didn't leave the room until Mamala called from the kitchen for his snack. I
watched him leave the doorway and I suddenly remember his costume during the
Halloween.
All children grow up, except one, Peter Pan.
I hope Iñigo don't grow so fast while I'm gone. I still wanna be a big sister to
him. Whenever I'm gone the world around me continues to revolve while I'm stuck
wherever I am.
My brother grows, Mamala gets old, Mom aged too. I lost my friends I used to be
with because there's no connection... no common ground for us anymore. They move
on, study, have work, meet more people, live a wider world. And I would still be
here, in my room, in the house, in the hospital.
It's like I'm here, but barely. I'm living but not at all. I'm happy at times, sad
at times, dishearten at times, but there must be something more. I want to take
risk, live on the edge, shout at the top of my lungs, run widely, scream and laugh
and cry and... remember to live. I just want to live.
***
Chapter 19 - Phenomenal: Eighteen
Day 1 back in the hospital
When I was in senior high school, I was diagnosed with Leukemia.
It all started months before, when people started noticing big purple bruises on my
arms and when I scrape my knees during P.E. it bleed nonstop.
And then there was this fever that sent me to the hospital for two weeks. It was an
ordinary infection until the blood test results came and I have symptoms of the
cancer. Dozen more test were made until I was officially diagnosed.
I was in my last year of high school when everything had to stopped. My life
halted. I was pulled away from everything, from my classes, from my friends, from
Shane.
I started chemo right away. I couldn't even mourn for the things I suddenly had to
let go. My body weaken in a matter of months and I didn't realized how something
such as sickness could take away living... but it did.
Then there's Shane, sunshine Shane, who made things a little better. I still
remember how he missed his own senior prom to set-up a two-person prom in my
backyard where we dance silly under the mango tree and fairy lights.
My class graduated without me. They went to college while I was stuck in the same
place. It took me two whole years of intense treatment to get the remission I was
wishing for.
And slowly, I started living again. It took me a summer to finish the remaining
subjects of my senior class and enrolled in my dream course. For the next two years
I was over the moon. I caught up with friends, with people. I was doing the things
I love. Shane and I drove around for my projects and I help him with his design
presentations.
But it didn't last long. I didn't expect it to be. Remission is just a pause. The
cancer came back again in the form of relapse just this year, on my supposed to be
third year in college. I had to stop my whole life once again for another course of
chemo. People around me started to fade away again, until only a few ones remained.
Mom was silent in the car on the way to the hospital. My thoughts swing between
telling and not telling Shane. I know I should, but knowing him he'll probably rush
to my side and I couldn't do that, especially now that he's in Pangasinan for an
internship project. I can't ruin that.
Nurse Kenth was waiting at the lobby with my good old friend, the wheelchair. I
made a face once he saw me and he smiled and shake his head.
"Akala ko hindi na kita makikita dito," sabi niya.
"I did too, but I miss you guys here too much." I pat the chair before sitting.
"Well hello again, my friend."
Nurse Kenth lead me to the second floor with my Mom and another person carrying my
things. I glanced at my knuckles gripping the chair, bruised and pale like I just
came from a fist fight. It feels like I just had a short vacation and this is my
reality.
I have a new room, if that makes me feel better. It's located a floor higher from
my previous room but the bad thing is it's far from the staircase and vending
machine and sneaking iced coffee would be a problem.
We completed the usual admittance procedure and before noon, I was already lounging
in my clean, sterile room, sitting on the bed watching Nurse Kenth prepare the bag
of fluid medicine to be infused through my IV.
The fluid pass through the tube into my veins at ilang segundo lang nakaramdam na
ako nang hindi maganda. I don't always like the effect of strong medicines in my
body. It's like I'm being more tortured by it than the sickness itself.
Nakatulog ako buong hapon. I forced myself too. After the medicines no one couldn't
even hold a proper conversation with me. Masyado akong nanghihina, masyadong
masakit ang katawan, masyadong masakit ang ulo.
When I wake up I was vomiting. I was clasping my mouth and gripping the sink,
pouring out everything I have taken that day. Kinapa ko ang speaker-button sa pader
and minutes later Nurse Kenth came rushing inside.
Inalalayan niya ako hanggang sa matapos then he called for the utility to clean up
my mess. I went back to lying on my bed while he adjusted things such as the
thermostat and the bed frame to make me more comfortable.
"Gusto mong tawagin ko si Dr. Luisa?"
He didn't have to, really. We've been through a lot of this lalo na noong
nagsisimula pa lang ako sa chemo. Me and any strong medicines, we aren't good
match.
"It's okay. Nabigla lang siguro ang katawan ko."
Inabot ko ang remote ng TV sa side table to make up for the silence and hazy
thoughts in my head.
"The cancer loves me too much. Even with all the courses of chemo, it won't leave
me."
Nurse Kenth tried to smile, tried to make me feel better, tried to understands my
sentiments, which they are good at. They're like these angels in white, with soft
voices and kind smile and would listen to anything you have to say.
Nurse Kenth caught me checking my phone. "Wala si Engineer ngayon?" Engineer ang
tawag niya kay Shane before he even passed the board exam.
"He's busy."
"Last time you're here, lagi siyang nandito."
"Shane?" I chuckled a bit. "Must not be him. He couldn't even take the sight of
blood. He's too squeamish."
Tumigil si Nurse Kenth sa pagsulat sa clipboard. "Tinanong ko siya minsan bakit

hindi ka na lang puntahan sa kwarto mo. He said dumadaan lang siya dito bago
pumasok."
I couldn't help but smile. Silly Shane.
"I really have this feeling that he treats you more than a friend."
Natawa lang ako. "He's just too worried. Ganoon siya mula noong bata kami."
Nagkibit balikat siya at tinapos ang ginagawa. "Sabagay. Not every love story is
romance anyway."
Bago siya lumabas ng kwarto, he reminded me again to call anytime I don't feel
right or the tinniest bit uncomfortable.
I was left in my room with nothing else to do. Unlike my previous room brimming
with things, this new one is just plain empty. I'm not really planning to evacuate
my things here again. I don't plan to stay here long.
After packing a few things from my bag and writing on my notebook, I checked Shane
if he's online. But it always says he's online hours ago. He's used to be online
most of the time. He must be really busy.
I lazily scrolled through the stories of my friends, though most of them I haven't
even talk to in years. I suddenly came up with Cheska's story. I didn't know she's
back online. Did she reactivated her account or unblocked me, if ever Shane's
right?
Cheska's story is composed of a single picture, a screen shot of her video-calling

with someone... I tapped the screen longer to make sure who it was.
Shane.
Did they get back together?
***
Chapter 20 - Phenomenal: Nineteen

I woke up feeling tired. It's like I'm getting more and more tired the longer I
stay here. I went into the same morning routine, but it doesn't feel like what it
used to be.
Mamala and Iñigo came to visit me in the morning. They brought food I've been
asking for since day one and since the food in here is so bland. By ten o'clock
Iñigo had to leave for his class and Mamala and I were left alone.
She's slicing fruits when she asked me about Shane. "He's been asking about you.
Bakit hindi mo sinasagot ang mga tawag niya?"
I keep my eyes on the TV even though the movie isn't that interesting. "I'll text
him later," was all my reply. Though I know I wouldn't do it. All his texts and
calls were stuck on my phone, unanswered.
"Nag-away ba kayo?"
"No," sagot ko. "Just tell him I'm okay. I don't want him to worry."
"Siguradong mas nagaalala siya dahil hindi mo siya kinakausap."
But how could I tell him I'm here? Shane would drop everything and go here. I know,
I've seen him do it a hundred times. How much does he have to bare being with me?
After having lunch together, Mamala had to go too, and I'm left again in my room. I
tried to watch movies and do stuff but nothing seems remotely interesting. When did
things get bland as we grow up?
My phone buzz from the table. I checked it to see Shane adding another text from
dozen of his unread texts. Gab, please answer my calls.
I put my phone back on the table, face down. I just want to lay in bed and do
nothing.
When Shane's mom died, we were in our English class. One of his father's worker
knocked at the door and went straight to the teacher. Nag-usap sila sandali and
then the teacher went back in front of the class.
"Shane, pwede ka ng umuwi."
Shane was my seatmate then, because he insisted so. Nagbibiruan pa kami noong
tawagin siya.
"Birthday kasi ni Mama ko," proud na sabi niya at bumungisngis pa.
Nakangiting pinuntahan niya ang tauhan ng Papa niya. Pagalis nila, humarap sa'min
ang teacher na may malungkot na mukha.
"Class, patay na ang Mama ni Shane."
Two months siyang hindi pumasok matapos 'yon. Teachers and school staff were asking
about him. One day, the congressman came into our school and told our homeroom
teacher that Shane would temporarily stop from schooling.
Paguwi ko, tumakbo agad ako papunta sa bahay nila. As a kid I always find his house
huge and looming and the congressman and Shane's brother to be intimidating. May
mataas silang gate at mas mataas na pader na bubong nalang ng bahay ang nakikita
mula sa labas.
Ang Kuya niya ang nagpapasok sa'kin. Kuya Tristan was this straight-A snobby, high
school student who's basically the opposite of sunshine Shane. Whenever we play
inside their house lagi niya kaming pinagagalitan dahil ang iingay namin at hindi
siya makapag-concentrate sa ginagawa. So we always end up going to my house where
we could laugh, shout, and run around all we wanted.
"Ayaw niyang magpapasok," sabi ni Kuya Tristan. "Hinarangan niya ng mga gamit ang
pinto."
"Shane?" Kumatok ako.
"Hindi ka niya pagbubuksan," sabi ng Kuya niya sabay alis.
But it didn't bother me. I sat on the floor in front of his room. "Shane, alam mo
kanina sa school..." Nagkwento ako sa mga nangyari sa school noong wala siya. I was
talking alone, but I wasn't entirely talking to myself. Alam kong nakikinig siya.
"Shane, buksan mo na kasi! May sasabihin ako."
I started knocking again, repeatedly until I was slamming my entire arms against
the door.
"Aray!"
Tumama ang braso ko sa door knob, and it was so painful I had to sit back on the
floor while holding my arms. I was in the onset of crying when Shane opened the
door.
He peeked from the narrow space, eyes red and swollen. Payat na siya noon, lalo pa
siyang pumayat. Tumayo agad ako at pumasok sa kwarto bago pa niya maisara ang
pinto.
"Hoy, sandali!"
I sat on his blue bed as if I was an invited guest. "Papasok ka na sa Lunes?"
"Hindi na ako papasok." Nakatayo siya sa tapat ng mga gamit na pinangharang niya sa
pinto. May mesa, upuan, and even a small drawer.
"Bakit?"
"Wala na si Mama... sana sumama na lang ako sa kanya. Ayoko dito... wala akong
kakampi-"
In that moment, I hopped down the bed, walked towards him and slapped my little
palm against his cheeks. "Kapag sumama ka... sino na ang kakampi ko?"
Natulala siya at tinitigan ako. Then he started crying like the wimpy kid he was.
He wailed and cried and he told me he hated me. He hated me for being selfish, for
not thinking of what he felt, for barging in his room and slapping his face.
And then a week after that he started going to school again.
I never told him that I broke my wrist because of the incident. Because I was glad
it happened. The thing about Shane, whatever he's going through, hindi niya
natitiis kapag nasasaktan ako. And even though I was selfish and rude and fucked-
up, he remained by my side until now... a promise we both made.
I had a long nap. Hapon na noong magising ako. When I woke up, someone was sitting
beside my bed, head against the cushion, his eyes closed. The low setting sun was
behind him from the window. But I would always know... Shane.
He was breathing deeply as though even in his sleep, he's anxious and worried. I
raised my hand to touch his hair, pero agad ko ding binawi nang makita ang mga
nakakabit na bagay dito. All the tubes and needles and bruises.
"Shane?"
Agad siyang nagising nang marinig ang boses ko. "Gab..."
Inayos niya ang sarili, pilit inaalis ang antok at pagod. "How do you feel? Do you
need the nurse?"
"Why are you here?"
"You were ignoring all my calls and text. Do you even know how worried sick I was
knowing I'm two hundred kilometres away from you?"
I sat on my bed. I couldn't face his question so I asked for other things. "How's
your project. Tapos na ba?"
"No. I'll drive back this evening. Iñigo told me you're here kaya ako nandito."
"Shane... Pangasinan is three or even four hours away from Quezon City."
"I could drive for hours, you know that."
For the first time I couldn't bare him being in front of me. Shane, no matter where
he is, once he learn I'm here he would come.
"How's you and Cheska?" I asked, filling in the silence.
"Nakausap ko siya noong isang araw. She's asking if we could get back together."
"Did... did you get back together?"
I was searching for reluctance on his face but there's none. "No. You're my
priority."
I stare at him as words left me.
We always throw these words around. I know you love me. I like being with you.
You're my priority. But it's like I only realize the heaviness of it.
"I told her before we even start dating na kung may mangyari, ikaw ang uunahin ko.
Umiling ako. "That's not what I'm asking you to do, Shane. No wonder people leave
you because you're chaining yourself with me." Huminga ako nang malalim, because I
couldn't bare to say the words. "You don't have to worry about me. Just go and live
your life and I'll be here just fine."
Naningkit ang mga mata niya. "What's wrong with you?"
It was the type of conversation we never had before. A conversation so heavy it's
sinking me down. Kinagat ko ang labi ko, humiga, at tumalikod mula sa kanya.
"Gabriel."
"I'm tired."
If there's one thing I learned being sick this long, it's the use of magic words.
And one of them is to say you're tired. Because they'll never know what you're
tired of. Tired for the day? Tired of the conversation? Tired of living? Breathing?
Fighting? No one knows that's why they leave you be.
"Babalik ako bukas."
"I hope you don't."
Huminto siya sa may pintuan. I could feel him standing there, watching me. Then he
walked out and closed the door.
***
Chapter 21 - Phenomenal: Twenty

Mamala caught me staring outside the window when she visited me in my room for the
day. She came in with a bunch of fresh orchid flowers wrapped in brown paper.
"These are pretty," I tried to smile.
Nilagay niya ang mga ito sa vase. "Namulaklak na sila."

I sat back on my bed, watching Mamala arranged the flowers from her own garden. I
sometimes wonder what would she feel if I have to leave this world before her.
"I heard from the nurse you've been crying last night."
Her eyes remained on the flowers because she knew I never really cry in front of
anyone, especially after all the things that happened. Because when you are sick,
crying brings more pain to the people around you more than the sadness you feel.
"May kinalaman ba ito sa pagpunta ni Shane dito kahapon?"
I placed my palms on the cushion and breathe out. "I did something horrible to him
and he hates me now."
Tumigil si Mamala sa pag-aayos ng bulaklak. "He would never do that. Lagi siyang
nandyan para sayo."
"That's the thing, Mamala," I whispered. "He's always been by my side even though
he has a life of his own. I couldn't let him set it aside because of me."
I bit my lips to prevent the sting on the corner of my eyes. "I know how hard it is
to stay by my side and I don't want him to suffer again. He deserves all the best
things in this world and I'm not one of those. I'm sick and fragile and may die
soon."
Hinawakan ni Mamala ang kamay ko. "Don't say that, Gabby. People loves you."
Umiling ako habang humihikbi. "I can't burden anyone and call it love. Look at me.
Kahit ako napapagod sa sarili ko, paano pa kaya ang ibang tao?"
"Hindi kami napapagod sayo."
"Because you're different. Because you have no choice but to love me and sometimes
I wish I could give you the freedom from me.... I can still give Shane the freedom
from me."
Niyakap ako ni Mamala. "Gabby, everyday is choosing to be with you. Staying by your
side doesn't mean we don't have a choice. But we're choosing you over and over
despite of everything and I'm sure Shane feels the same way."
Tuluyang tumulo ang luha ko.
Maybe it's the medicines, or the severity of the situation, or the fact that I may
no longer be okay. Everything's crushing down on me and I couldn't breathe.
***
Chapter 22 - Phenomenal: Twenty One

Doctors and nurses are in my room the whole day. I don't know what's happening. My
body aches all over and they have to run me into the ICU.
***
Chapter 23 - Phenomenal: Twenty Two

Days in the ICU was a series of waking up and being unconscious, hearing voices,
machine noises, and eyes blinded by lights and not knowing if it's day or night.
When I wake up this afternoon I heard the voice of my Mom talking to other doctors.
"We'll have to transfer her to the hospice care."
"Your daughter had survived longer than the life expectancy of her case."
"You've already done your best as a mother, as a doctor."
And then Mom was crying and that evening, when everybody left the room, she's there
watching me going back and forth from sleeping and waking up.
And she's touching my hair and I could feel her tears on my cheeks and she's
humming a song I've heard from her a long time ago when I was still a child.
I've never saw this much pain from her since it all started and for her, no matter
how old I am, she still sees me as her little girl who hugs her tightly whenever
she came home from the hospital.
I woke up and sat on my bed. "Is there something wrong, Mom?"
Mom's eyes were red and swollen at the lids as if she's been crying for a long
time. Even her voice was raw and parched when she asked how I was feeling.
I feel nothing. My body feels painful and heated and uncomfortable like something
that isn't mine. And there's a hollow feeling in my chest that digs into me and I
feel empty.
She held the side of my face with her warm hands. "Gabriel, I... have to transfer
you out of the ICU."
Mom explains my condition the way a doctor explains to her patient, calm, composed,
direct. But I could feel the tremble in her hand as she touched me and then she
told me the cancer had progressed since the relapse and the treatments were no
longer controlling the cancer.
"How long will I live?"
That's when my Mom's mask slipped and gone was the professional doctor that
everyone looks up to. She started sobbing in front of me, the way a mother cry in
front of her dying child. She was sobbing uncontrollably while holding my hands in
both of hers as if we were both praying.
"Don't cry. I'm okay." Pinahid ko ang luha niya.
"I'm sorry... Gabriel."
But she didn't need to apologize. She's done everything for me that not all
mother's could do. She might not be someone who's always been in our side by she's
someone who looks after the smallest things to make sure we're okay.
I was smiling while holding her cheeks and wiping her tears with my hands. "It's
okay, Mom."
She held my hands and said in her broken voice. "You rarely cry, you know. When you
were diagnosed nearly five years ago, you rarely shed tears. When you were in your
first cycles of treatment you rarely complain to me no matter how painful it was.
When you had to give up everything again because of the relapse, you cry so little
and instantly pull yourself up and told us everything's temporary and you're going
to be alright."
Niyakap niya ako nang mahigpit. "You've been really strong, Gabriel. I will always
choose you as my daughter even in a hundred lifetime."
I bit my lips and blink back my tears. But then my shoulders started shaking and my
eyes started watering and I was crying like a kid in my mom's arms.
"I'm scared..." I told her. "Mom, I'm so scared."
When I was younger someone asked me if I was afraid to die. I didn't know where I
pulled out the confidence to say I wasn't afraid. The world is bad enough and
it's the gateway from all of the suffering. I'm ready anytime.
But when you're face with death, you will realize you will never be ready.
You'll never be ready to leave, to give it all up no matter how painful things are.
Even though you feel like you're in a pit and couldn't move forward, you'll realize
there's a lot more you have to know, to see, to experience.
When you're about to die, they say your life flash before your eyes. But it's not
always the case for everyone. Sometimes it's the future that you will see.
The days that you might have had. The sunrises and sunsets you still have to chase,
rainy afternoons and stormy nights, and the smell of breakfast, the laughs and
conversations with your favorite people and the hundred places you still haven't
visited.
You'll see before your eyes the next Christmas, or your next birthdays, the next
years and the future you've always wanted to see. And you'll realize how afraid you
are to loss it all, and then you will want to fight a little more, endure a little
more, and to wish for a little more time... to live, no matter how hard it is to
stay alive.
***
Chapter 24 - Phenomenal: Twenty Three

After days in the ICU, I was finally back in my room. I'm now under hospice care.
Some of my medicines were pulled out of my treatment and they only prescribed the
IV and some medicines to manage the symptoms.
Mom was with me on most days. She took a leave from her out-patient duties to look
after my first days in the hospice care. Mamala was also with me. By now everyone
around me knows my condition and even though they rarely show it to me, I know how
they feel.
By afternoon, Iñigo came still wearing his school uniform. He stayed at the
doorway, unable to step inside, while Mom and Mamala was at the hallway talking
with the nurses.
"Look at my little brother," I greeted him, sitting myself up from the bed.
There's a tired look on his face for a high school student. Poor kid, all this
studying and he's not even gonna use algebra as a grown up. But he's gonna break
the hearts of many, that's for sure. He's a good looking kid even though he's a
pain in the ass most of the time.
"Hindi ako nakapunta noong nasa ICU ka," he suddenly said, averting his eyes away
from me. "May exam ako noon tapos sabi nila hindi ka pwedeng bisitahin."
"It's okay," ngiti ko.
"Hindi 'yon okay," sabi niya na halos hindi ko marinig, tumalikod siya then he's
suddenly wiping his eyes with the back of his hands.
"Hey, are you crying?" I coaxed. "You crybaby."
"Kaya mo pa naman 'di ba?" Hikbi niya. "Lumalaban ka pa naman 'di ba? Sabi kasi
nila Mamala-"
"Come here."
It took him a while before he step inside. Pinapahid niya pa rin ang mga mata niya
nang yakapin ko siya nang mahigpit. Tulad noong bata pa kami kapag umuuwi siya
dahil inaway siya ng ibang bata. "Hindi naman kita iiwan mag-isa. Look, you're a
big guy now."
"Hindi," iling niya. "Kailangan pa kita... ate."
I tried to prevent my own tears from falling and hold in a deep breath. Good thing
the hug was hiding both of our faces, because I don't want my brother to see me
cry.
"Nandito lang ako lagi."
Iñigo was extra chatty that afternoon. He told me a lot stuff, even the things he
usually keep from me. He told me about school, his friends at the band, even about
his girlfriend. He told me the course he wants to pursue.
"I'll take up medicine. Tulad ni Mama."
Ngumiti ako. "That suits you."
"Makikita mo naman akong mag-graduate 'di ba? Tapos magc-college tapos magm-medical
school--"
I can't promise something I couldn't keep, but there's so much hope in his eyes I
know I couldn't ruin it. "You'll be a good doctor, or whatever you set your mind
into."
And then I watched him, smiling because I know this image of him, a fifteen years
old Iñigo, would be my last memories of him because I won't be able to see him grow
up. Peter Pan.
By evening, Mamala and Iñigo had to go home. I insisted on Mom to go home too
because it's the only rest she could get out of this place and I don't want her to
spend her entire day thinking of other people but herself.
But she insisted on staying with me, even though I feel much better than the
previous days when I was in ICU and still taking strong medications.
"It's your birthday next week," she said, adjusting the pump of my IV. "Do you have
plans?"
Plans... "A road trip."
Tumigil siya sa ginagawa at humarap sa'kin. "Road trip?"
Ngumiti ako. "But I don't think it's possible now. Shane's not here and things
aren't what they used to be."
It took her a while to say, "If you really want to, I could prepare things--"
Umiling ako. "It's just a wish. We can have anything for my birthday."
She dimmed the lights of my room. "When you were in the ICU, Shane's been here most
evenings and driving back to his internship before morning."
Mom step out of my room para bilinan ang mga nurses sa unit and I ended up thinking
of what she had said.
I grabbed my phone from the table to opened the last messages from him from nearly
two weeks ago. It's the longest we haven't contacted each other. I started to
type... but ended up deleting everything and starting again. It goes on for thirty
minutes.
And then I saw Cheska's online and decided to message her.
***
Chapter 25 - Phenomenal: Twenty Four

Cheska visited me in the hospital this afternoon. She came knocking at the door
with a bouquet of pink roses in one hand. She's this really pretty, dark haired
girl with see through bangs and one of my best group mates in a project in film
school.
"Sorry it took me this long para bisitahin ka." She sat on the sofa, still holding
the pink flowers. "I didn't exactly know what had happened after you decided to
drop out of your classes last semester."
"Well, this is what's happening," I told her, smiling, with a nonchalant voice,
raising my hands to show my state. I didn't told them much about my health, only
those former classmates in high school knows about my condition.
I inhaled deeply, sitting at the foot of my bed with my feet reaching the floor
while I face Cheska. "Ches, I'm actually not going to live long," I started.
There's a bit of surprise on her face. "Gabriela..."
I smiled, showing it's fine. "I know it would be too much to ask you this but...
please take care of Shane for me. He's a special person and I don't want him to get
hurt. He's just confused right now because he's trying to be here for me like he
always do."
"Gabriela," Cheska cut me off. "Shane and I broke up a year ago."
Natulala ako sa sinabi niya. All my words slowly faded. "What?"
"Remember our first break-up? We never got back together."
"But how?" naguluhan na tanong ko. "He just told me recently."

Cheska tried to smile, holding tightly on the paper cover of the bouquet. "It
didn't really work out, you know. I know Shane was trying his best. He's a great
guy."
There's a quiver in her voice and I know she's still in love with him. "Shane was
the best thing that happened to me after a series of abusive and toxic
relationship. But... it's just different with me and when it comes to you."
She pursed her lips and blinked back a few times. "But now I know. You're a good
person, Gabriela, ever since. If what Shane's going through happens to me, I would
do the same thing and chose my best friend."
She carefully placed the flowers on the table. "But before all of this even
happens, he already chose you."
It was late evening. I was sitting cross legged on the crumpled sheets, staring at
my phone for the last fifteen minutes.
Silence had settled down in the hospital. Tapos na ang lahat ng kailangan kong
gawin. I had dinner, wore fresh pajamas, taken my medicines. I did everything to
buy time, courage, or whatever it is I lack to talk to him again.
I finally tap the video call button.
My heart nearly stop when he answered the call. Nasa madilim siyang kwarto at
mukhang nagising ko siya. Umupo siya at naghikab bago tinignan nang maayos ang
phone niya.
"Gab?"
My lips pulled at the corners to smile. "Hey." I miss his stupid voice.
Parang hindi pa siya makapaniwala na ako ang tumatawag sa kanya. Pupungas-pungas

siya na tumayo at naglakad dala ang phone niya. Lumabas siya and it's like he's in
a dimly lit open space.
"Are you okay?"
It's very Shane of him to ask if I'm okay kahit ako ang may kasalanan kung bakit
hindi kami naguusap.
"Shane?"
"Yes?" He said abruptly.
I watched his face, even in a pixelated image of him I could feel the tiredness in
his eyes, sleepless from those nights he's been driving nonstop just to be here,
his chin with a light sprinkle of stubble.
"Shane, are you choosing me because I'm Gabriel... or because I'm sick?"
He blinked, wondering if he heard my words right. He's standing at a porch with the
light behind him. Then he runs his fingers through his hair and breathe out.
"Gabriel, do you even know how many times I had to forced myself not to grab my
keys and come to you? If you're crying in front of me, it doesn't matter if your
sick or healthy, I'll come to you. If you wake up from a nightmare in the middle of
the night and you want me there, I'll come to you. Damn Gab, why can't you see? I'm
choosing you over and over."
I was smiling, laughing even, with tears in my eyes.
"Shane, will you... go on a road trip with me?"
***
Chapter 26 - Phenomenal: Twenty Five

Last day in the hospital
It's my last day in the hospital, that's what I wanted to call it. Though I'm
pretty sure I'd be coming back. Shane's talking with Mom at her clinic. I'm wearing
a dress and my converse shoes, bags already packed and on the bed.
Iñigo and Mamala were here earlier. They've been surprised by my sudden decision to
go on a road trip days before, but they understood. Nothing will change if I stay
here. This isn't living... it's waiting for death, and as much as the realization
hurts, I wanted to be outside, to feel, to see, to live for the last time.
"Are you going to be okay?" asked Mamala before they leave for Iñigo's class.
"I will be," ngiti ko, then she hugged me tightly against the soft, fragrant fabric
of her dress.
"Hey, my best bro," I told Iñigo who's watching me, standing near my bed, arms
crossed against his chest.
"Hindi ako magaalala kasi si Kuya Shane ang kasama mo."
Natawa ako. "Of course you won't. You two share the same brain cells."
Sumimangot siya. I ruffled his short hair. "I'll see you soon."
Tumahimik siya bago muling nagsalita. "Magiging masaya ka ba?"
I smiled at my brother. "Masaya ako."
Then they left, and I stood in front of the mirror, staring at myself for what
seems like the first time in a long time. I traced my face with a bruised hand and
smile.
"You've done well, Gabriel," I whispered to myself. "Thank you for making it this
far."
With all the things that happened, it feels like I recognized everyone's feelings
but my own, and to see myself in the mirror with all the flaws and imperfection,
and knowing how I've survived all these years makes me proud.
"Look who's going on a road trip." Nurse Kenth came in the room with his kits. "Ang
ganda naman ng alaga ko."
I giggled and twirled in my dress in front of him. "Do I really look pretty?"
"Baka mainlove si Engineer niyan," biro niya. I laughed harder.
"This is the last one."
Inalis niya ang tube na nakakonekta sa kamay ko. I moved my hands a bit to test it.
My hands are now free.
"Mamimiss kita, birthday girl."
"It's just a few days," ngiti ko.
Tinulak-tulak niya ako, nakangiti. "Now go make an adventure of a lifetime."
Pagalis ni Nurse Kenth, I waited giddily for Mom in the room. I also recheck my
things just in case. Mom and Shane's been talking for thirty minutes now. Pretty
sure she's reminding Shane the same things she reminded me.
Mom has been on discussion with my health care providers of my request mula noong
sinabi ko ito sa kanya. There's a lot of repercussion involved, a lot of risks...
that I'm willing to take.
"Gabriel?" Mom was finally at the doorway. "Everything's ready."
Kinuha ko ang gamit ko sa kama at pinuntahan siya. Niyakap ko siya nang mahigpit na
kinabigla niya.
"I love you."
She stroked my hair and caressed my cheeks. "Live freely, my Gabriel."
I bit my lips and blink back tears then she released me from her grasp.
Shane's waiting for me at the hallway. It's the first time I would see him in what
seems like the longest time. I miss his stupid smile. He's wearing this black
shirt and olive green jacket and black jeans and his white sneakers.
I run to him and hugged him tightly.
"Hey," he chuckled, hugging me back with his broad arms.
"Let's go." I held his hand. "Let's run!" I said, laughing. "Hurry, the road is
waiting."
Both of us were laughing as we run out of the hospital hallways. Me, leading the
way and Shane, smiling at me with those familiar brown eyes. It's been a long
time since I felt it, but today the air tasted like freedom.
***
Author's Note:
Hi guys! Thank you so much for giving this story a chance, for allowing Gab and
Shane to be part of your days for the last weeks or month.
Seeing and reading your feedback in this story means a lot to me and it still
surprises me every time I see readers adore this story.
SP was a companion of mine during this dark times of the pandemic, having chronic
illness and all. It kept me busy and helps me keep my sanity. And I hope you guys
find solace in this story too, even though it's a bit painful haha
Anyways, we have five more entries before the story ends and again, thank you for
loving this story as much as I do.
Please feel free to share your thoughts below (I love reading them!) or use
#SomethingPhenomenal on twitter or tagging me @breatheapril
I hope you guys are safe and healthy during this hard times and may you always
choose to live bravely, no matter how hard it is to stay alive.
Until the next update loves,

April
Chapter 27 - Phenomenal: Twenty Six

Location: Bulacan
Sitting on the passenger seat of Shane's car, I connected my phone to the aux and
browse through songs. I could already feel Shane's frown because he knows so well
my type of songs.
"Tonight, we are young!" kanta ko. "So let's set the world on fayaaah, we can burn
brighter than the sunnnn!"
Napailing si Shane habang nakangiti at nagd-drive paalis sa city. "That song gives
me horrible flashback of high school Gabriel kicking other people's ass and making
boys cry."
"'Di ba?" I giggled. "I wish I could go back to those moments," I whispered. "It's
like I was pulled out of all of it without saying goodbye. I wish I knew when a
moment is the last."
"Do you wanna go on a detour?"
Humarap ako sa kanya, nagtataka. "Detour?"
"Did you check the high school group chat?" tanong niya nang nakangisi.
Umiling ako. Matagal na akong hindi nagc-check ng group chats. "Ano'ng meron?"
"May umuwi sa'tin from Canada and they set up a get together with our batch."
And that's what made our first stop. We're gonna gate-crash a lunch get together.
Well, not basically gate-crash because we're supposed to be part of it anyway, but
since none of us confirmed to attend, we're gonna go in there and crash the heck
out of everyone.
The lunch date was held in a garden pavilion in Bulacan, which is one of our batch
mates' hometown. We pulled up in a driveway full of greens. Everything is covered
in plants. The walls with vines and the gorgeous bougainvillea archway.
"This is so pretty," I told Shane while walking. Ngumiti lang siya. Mukha nanaman
siguro akong sira na naa-amaze sa maliliit na bagay. But it's the simple joys that
matter, right?
Pumasok kami sa pavilion na may glass roof and panel at dumeretso sa hall kung
nasaan sila. Akala ko hindi ko sila makikilala since it's been years mula noong
huli ko silang nakita. I wasn't even part of the senior year graduation. But when
we arrived, we immediately recognized one another.
"Gabriela!"
And then I stood there, transported to the days of my high school with all the
familiar faces and all the familiar voices. Madami ang nagbago, pero madami ding
tulad ng dati. Ang maingay nilang boses, ang yakap nila, ang tawanan.
"Bakit siya lang ang binabati niyo? Hindi ba ako kasama dito?" reklamo ni Shane.
Nagtawanan sila then someone nudged him. "Right on time," ngiti nila as though
they're expecting the two of us.
Hinila na ako ng mga kasama ko paupo sa table. We're ironically the typical high
school class or gang that you'd see. There's the studios people who always ace
their grades, the loud and jolly girls who's voices were the constant noise in
class, the boys and their love for sports, especially basketball, there's also
those who just go with the flow and pretty chill people, then there's the class
favorite which is Shane, and bad bitch Gabriel.
They're all matured now from who they were years ago. Some of them were even
professionals now, while some were still at school, and some was serious in their
relationships. But somehow, there's always this little kid inside of us which shows
whenever we are presented of memories from years ago.
The plan to gatecrash, for a reason, wasn't successful, in a good sense. Because it
feels like it's just sitting with friends and talking about silly teenage escapades
while eating salads, fresh juices, and grilled meat. We're all like "Remember this
one time," and then our laugh would fill the air.
"Crush ka pa naman noon ni Jake, Gab."
Napa-paused ako sa pag-inom ng juice. "Really?" nangingiting sabi ko,

nakikipagbiruan.
"Kaso patay ako kay Shane nun e," sabi ni Jake sabay tawa.
Napalingon ako kay Shane na nasa kabilang dulo ng mesa, kasama ang mga lalakeng
barkada niya dati. Sila 'yong tinutukoy ni Shane na pinaiyak ko, which was an
exaggeration of him. Meron lang akong nasuntok sa kanila dahil noong niyaya ko si
Shane, ayaw nilang ibigay kasi may basketball game daw sila. Ah, the memories.
"Hoy ano 'yan?" tawag ni Shane na tumatawa din.
"Ilang years na ba kayo?" tanong ng isa sa mga batchmates namin.
Bigla akong natawa. "Matagal na," sabi ko. "Nabighani e."
Na-gets naman agad ni Shane. "Mahal na mahal ko nga 'yan."
And then we laughed and went on with our stories as if it's the most natural thing
for Shane and I to be together. Because it's true, we do love each other.
"Nabighani pala ah," ngiti ni Shane habang naglalakad kami palabas ng pavilion
bandang hapon.
I stared back at him with a sinister smile on my lips. Nasa tabi kami ng pool and
he knows so well kung ano ang tumatakbo sa isip ko, kaya bago ko pa man magawa,
lumayo agad siya sa'kin nang naka-taas ang kamay.
"Balak mo akong itulak?"
"Wala akong ginagawa," I told him, pursing my lips to prevent a smile.

Most of my batch mates had no idea that I had relapsed months ago. Mostly think
that the bad times were done in high school and I'm in college, still taking films.
And somehow, I want it to stay that way. I wanted for my legacy to live on... if
there's such thing.
We're already in the car, heading to another destination. Shane's beside me on the
driver's seat... he's always beside me, and I don't want to think how much it will
hurt him if there comes a time I could no longer walk or sit beside him.
***
Chapter 28 - Phenomenal: Twenty Seven

Location: Pampanga
May hinahabol kami ni Shane. It's the lantern festival in Pampanga. He learned
about it through his cousin noong sinabi niyang dadaan kami dito. I also read the
digital flyer somewhere while browsing social media weeks ago. The only problem was
we're on the last day.
We left the venue in Bulacan at around four in the afternoon. Then we proceeded to
the expressway para pumunta sa Clark, which is where the fest would be held. But we
had no idea na malayo pala ito at naligaw kami. It's like held in a wide empty
field in the middle of an economic zone, pass an international airport.
There were gates we had to go through and we were rushing because it's already six
in the evening and any time the floating of lanterns would start. Matao ang lugar,
seriously, even the roads outside the venue was full of people who wanted to watch.
Even the cars paused from their drives kaya ang traffic.
Sa wakas nakarating kami sa parking lot. It's probably composed of hundreds and
hundreds of cars and Shane basically have to go around the entire lot para
makahanap ng space. When we were done, we had to run to the registration kasi magc-
close na sila.
"Miss, please dalawang ticket," habol ni Shane na medyo hinihingal habang

nakapatong ang kamay sa mesa ng nagbabantay, who's now counting the stubs and
money.
I was a bit breathless too, but it was the good kind of breathless. Because I know
there's something good waiting for me. Most of the people were already in the
field, holding their lanterns at sisindihan na. Pumunta kami ni Shane sa gitna.
Binigyan kami sa registration ng dalawang nakatupi pang lantern and a candle.
The candle fire was being pass around. Wala pang nagpapalipad. Hinintay namin na
makalapit ito sa'min. Kumuha ako ng blanket sa dala kong bag at inayos ito sa
damuhan tulad ng mga nakikita kong nakaupo dito na parang picnic.
"Akin na bag mo," sabi ko kay Shane na inaayos ang lantern.
Kinuha ko ito sa likod niya at pinatong sa blanket. Madami na ang nakasinding

lantern at kahit hindi pa lumilipad ang mga ito, the entire field looks already
enchanting. Everyone's faces were being illuminated by the orange light from the
lantern in the middle of a dark, deserted field.
"Gab." May hawak na marker si Shane. "Want to write?"
Ngumiti ako at excited na nagsulat sa paper lantern, then the little candle light
was now on us, and almost every lantern were now lit, ready to float in the clear
night sky. Maingat na sinindihan ni Shane ang dalawang lantern and someone was
counting from the front stage of the venue.
Three, two, one....
Isa isang lumipad ang mga lantern, mauna sa harapan, then like a wave, every one of
us held the lantern above our heads and slowly we let them go.
It was breathtaking to watch, like embers of a fire as though we're sending our
lights and messages to the universe above. Nakatingala ako at hindi alam ang
gagawin kundi ang magmangha. The people around us gushed, gasped, and some even got
teary eyed.
"Ang ganda ganda nila, Shane," sabi ko habang pinagmamasdan ang maliliit na liwanag
sa langit. Shane's in front of me, we're just a step away from each other, me with
my eyes to the sky, and him watching me with a smile.
And then while the hundreds orange lights float above us, he held me close, wrapped
me around his arms, and kissed my forehead. "I'm glad you're happy."
It's twelve in the evening and we're still at the field. There's a live band that
plays for the people, most of them sitting on their blankets and pillows, willing
to spend the entire night on the field.
The sky remains clear, sprinkled with stars, the wind a little chilly, and the
songs were becoming more mellow as the hours passed. I was comfortably tucked
beside Shane, his arms my pillow, and his head watching the skies above.
I wish I could keep this image of his forever.
I wake up the following day with the sunshine behind my eyelids. I opened my eyes
and was immediately greeted by the morning light and the open sky.
"Gab, tingnan mo ito."
Umupo ako sa tabi ni Shane sa blanket, sa damuhan. All around me, people were on
their feet, already awake, staring above, some with cameras in their hands.
And that's when I saw one of the most beautiful morning skies, the sun just risen,
the sky a blush of pink, and a dozen hot air balloons were floating in the sky from
the field.
I was silent, sitting there, watching with a hundred strangers, and the most
familiar person beside me, the warmth of the sun on our faces while half of the
world wasn't even fully awake.
What a waste it must have been to stay in my despair, when the world around me
revolves continuously, lives being live unceasingly, and moments being created
beautifully. I thought it's a bad thing for the world to leave someone like me
behind, but for the world to be as beautiful as this, it must be lived upon.
The traffic out of Clark was so congested because of all the cars heading out of
the venue. We're basically stuck in there for an hour for a three kilometre
distance.
We took our breakfast from a drive-through and while driving, Shane asked me if I
wanted to visit someone he knows so we could clean ourselves up before the long
drive to the north.
"A friend?" I asked, munching on my chicken sandwich, saka abot kay Shane para
makakain siya.
"Pinsan ko, 'yong nagsabi sa'kin tungkol sa festival," he said while chewing, then
he motioned for the coffee so I stuck a straw in there and held it for him.
The relative he's referring to lives in Angeles City, which was about fifteen or
twenty minutes away. I wasn't sure if he mentioned about this relative before. He
rarely even mention about his dad and immediate family.
We entered what seems like an exclusive subdivision where the houses are crazy
huge, mansion style. In our village, isa sa pinakamalaking bahay ang kina Shane.
But in here everything's looming, gated, and gigantic.
"Are you sure may kakilala ka dito?" Mapagduda kong tanong. "Kung balak mong mag-
akyat bahay, 'wag mo akong idamay." Shane nearly choke on air laughing.
The car stopped at a black tall gate with a white multi-story house behind it.
Pagbaba namin sa sasakyan, pumasok kami sa loob habang kausap ni Shane ang isa sa
mga nagbabantay ng bahay.
The house was pristine white and clean and made out of marble, the shining white
floor, the stairs. Iniisip ko kung makapal lang talaga ang mukha ni Shane kaya
malakas ang loob niyang pumasok sa mga ganitong lugar.
I was sitting in super soft and posh sofa in a wide living room with white
furniture.
"Magkakasundo kayo ng pinsan ko."
"How?" I nearly whispered. Parang bawal mag-ingay sa bahay na ito.
"She's actually like Kuya Tristan. Very serious and competitive. Pero balita ko
nagbago na siya. She's now taking a second course in creative writing."
Creative writing. She must have been very passionate.
After taking a shower, yes, I took a shower on someone's house! Naghintay ako sa
sala. While waiting someone approached me, a pretty lady with long hair, who seems
like only a few years older than me.
"You must be Gabriel," she said. She's so pretty. "I'm Isabelle, Shane's cousin."
I was about to shake her hand but a black cat was on her arms. She laughed lightly.
"Oh, this is Arki. He's a bit clingy."
Ngumiti ako. The cat is so cute.
"I have to head somewhere kaya hindi ko kayo masasamahan. Nana Lourdes would
prepare some lunch for you," alok niya.
"It's okay," sabi ko. "We're actually about to head out too."
And then Shane came in, shaking his wet head. "Isabelle!" bati niya sa pinsan niya.
"Shane," ngiti ni Isabelle. I like her more and more.
"Lalabas ka din?" tukoy niya nang makitang nakabihis siya.
Nagising ang pusa at tumalon mula sa kamay niya. She scratched the back of its
ears. "I'm heading out with friends. It's a special day today."
"Aba, nagbago ka na talaga. May kaibigan ka na."
I stared at Shane, eyes wide. How could he say that? Tumawa lang si Isabelle. "I
know. Such a difference."
Sabay kaming lumabas sa bahay matapos magpaalam. When we headed to the gate, a
minivan was waiting outside beside Shane's car. May mga taong naghihintay dito,
nakangiti at tinatawag si Isabelle.
Nauna silang umalis, pero nakakatuwa lang na makita silang kumaway sa'min. They all
seem really cheerful.
Lumingon ako kay Shane sa tabi ko. Then he stared back at me. "Let's get back to
the road."
***
Chapter 29 - Phenomenal: Twenty Eight

Location: Tarlac
We continue our journey to the north, passing through Tarlac which means we're
almost halfway. Most of the sights from the car are wide fields. The air is fresh I
couldn't help myself from opening the window and extending my hand to feel the
breeze on my open palms.
We past what seems to be their city and there were several large warehouse
supermarkets nearby, so Shane and I decided to make a quick stop to buy some things
and because I was craving for snack.
We took a turn and parked at a sweeping wide parking lot. It was so large it seems
to be a kilometre wide with gigantic towering lights. Nauna akong lumabas kay
Shane mula sa sasakyan and I breathe in the openness. There's only a few cars in
the lot and the sky was a bit gloomy mula noong umalis kami sa Pampanga. But I
didn't mind at all because I was happy, calling Shane.
"Come on! Unahan tayo!" Shane saw me excitedly stretching my arms and legs.
"You look silly."
"Afraid I could beat you?" I challenged.
"Come on, Gab. We're at least five hundred meters from the supermarket entrance."
I jogged on my spot. "Wanna bet?"
He chuckled at my silly determination. Then he stretched his legs as if we're both

doing a marathon. "'Wag kang iiyak 'pag natalo ka."
Pinigilan ko ang ngiti ko. Only Shane could take me seriously like this. "Go!"
Shane let me run first. Tumakbo ako papunta sa supermarket, which was a large gray
looking warehouse and lines and lines of red and silver shopping carts outside.
I was laughing and when I turned my head to see him, Shane was staring at me,
smiling and shaking his head. Then he run after me and easily catch up.
"Hey, that's not fair!" reklamo ko.
"No matter how far you are, I will always catch up with you," sabi niya nang nasa
tabi ko na siya.
Hinila ko siya sa balikat bago niya pa ako lampasan and I suddenly hop on his back
and it took him by surprise we almost stumble onto the ground.
We were still laughing our asses out pagpasok namin sa supermarket. Shane couldn't
get over the fact that I used dirty tactic on him. We bought several snacks, like a
big pack of Shane's favorite hot Cheetos, and a big box of Pepero almond for me.
While browsing through the towering aisles, I heard a click from Shane who's
holding my camera, and because I have the sheer talent to do embarrassing things in
public, I forced Shane to do a mocked-up photo shoot with me at the supermarket.
He took pictures of me out of his will, as if he's a hostage or something. The

nerve of him. I pose while holding a box of cereals, while modeling canned goods,
and zooming along the aisles with the shopping cart. Shane eventually give in and
couldn't help but laugh and I basically have to drag him for a picture of both of
us.
Ngingiti-ngiti pa rin ako pagbalik namin sa parking lot dala ang mga pinabili
namin. We decided to take our lunch at the parking lot, sitting at the back of
Shane's Ford pick up with the huge box of pizza and canned soft drinks, feet
dangling out of the car while staring at the gray parking ground which match the
color of the sky.
When we're done, we took our toothbrushes into a small washing area at the parking
lot, brushing our teeth beside each other while staring at ourselves in the dirty
mirror with white frots dripping from our chin and having this silly competition of
who's the best in brushing our teeth. Shane's pretty competitive.
We were nearly done when I noticed the blood from my mouth which I immediately
flashed down with water before Shane could even notice. I was a bit trembling when
we went back to the car.
Not yet. Just a little more. I need more time.
Location: Pangasinan
We were already in Pangasinan when we were met by heavy rain. It's like curtains
and curtains of rain on the gray, wet road and everything's distorted image of
cars and trees passing by like a painting from the window.
Shane's driving carefully and even though it's only three in the afternoon, the
road was low in visibility. We were about to pass an exit when we almost met an
accident.
A blue car zoomed past us from the exit so fast we thought it had lost control,
then it suddenly stop in the middle of the road and Shane had to step on the brakes
so hard we nearly skidded off the road and into a ditch.
"Fuck."
Agad akong liningon ni Shane. He was visibly shaken. "Gab, are you okay?"
It was a serious situation, I know. I even hit my head against the car compartment.
Kung hindi lang maingat si Shane, we'll surely end up on the ditch. But for a
reason, hindi ko mapigilang matawa.
"Gab!" saway ni Shane sa'kin.
Pinigilan ko ang tawa ko. "Sorry, it was just one heck of a ride."
We drove to a nearby gasoline station to stop there for a while and for Shane to
calm a little.
"Natakot ka ba?" tanong ko.
"What kind of question is that?" I noticed how Shane lowered his gaze as if it did
scared him. His hands on the steering wheel were trembling a little.
"I can't lose you."
The rain continued to pour outside and I pulled out a blanket from the backseat for
us to share. Inabot ko ang kamay niya and I held it in between mine.
"I'm sorry," sabi ko.
I nearly forgot how it took him several tries in the driving course because for a
while, he was afraid to drive any cars o kahit ang sumakay dito because of his
Mom's accident.
"Shane?"
I stared at him. I remembered the way he mourn for his mother, 'yong araw na
bumisita ako sa bahay nila, 'yong araw na hindi na siya pumapasok at hinarangan
niya ng gamit ang kwarto niya so no one could go near him.
"Shane, buksan mo na kasi! May sasabihin ako."
Have you wondered what I would have said that day, Shane? Have you wondered what I
wrote in my journal the night you spend your senior prom with me? Have you wondered
what I wrote in the lantern in Pampanga?
Shane, I love you.
***
Chapter 30 - Phenomenal: Twenty Nine

Location: La Union
The rain had stopped on our way to La Union. The sun had already set behind the
remaining dark clouds and the sky was a washed-off color of orange, like blanket
covering the entire place.
It's already evening when we arrived at La Union and Shane and I decided to stay in
one of the hostels because we're still halfway and Shane hadn't had a proper rest
since we left Quezon City.
We arrived at what seems to be a hip place in La Union, just along the highway,
where there are lots of hotel resorts and food hubs along the road.
We inquired at a quaint beachfront hostel with dorm type rooms. There's also some
restaurants and food stalls within its vicinity and an on-going night party near
the beach.
Once we confirmed our booking, Shane told me to go straight to our room so I could
rest while he checks our things and park the car at the designated lot. It was
almost midnight when Shane came into the room, freshly showered.
My eyes were close and he thought I was sleeping, but I was waiting for him. The
noise from the party mellowed down and I could feel him watching me while sleeping.
It lasted for a few minutes, then he breathes deeply, stoop down to gently kiss my
forehead, before laying on the upper bed.
I woke up late the next morning. It was already noon when I step out of the room to
be greeted by the sound of waves outside. The sun was high up on the clear sky and
everything is in intense colors of greens and blues.
Everything was pretty much quiet after the party last night. Almost everyone was
still asleep. There's this distinct laid-back feel in the air, while the locals
surf the waves.
"Coffee?"
Shane approached me, holding a glass of iced coffee with a thin bamboo straw. We
sat on a wooden deck overlooking the ocean, with colorful boho lanterns above us.
"Nakatulog ka ba ng maayos?" tanong niya, though I should be the one asking him
that.
"Yep." I said. "Shane?"
"Hmm?" He asked, sipping his coffee.
I have to tell you something.
"Let's stroll around," ngiti ko. "I heard there's a lot of cool cafes in the area."
Napangiti siya as if already expecting my request. Shane, he always knows me well.
After taking a shower and changing out of my sleeping clothes, we walked around the
area which was surprisingly a simple coastal town. We're literally on the side of
the road and almost every establishment is beachfront and walking distance.
We visited local favorite food hubs and popular tourist cafes. I took a lot of
pictures and clips with my camera, of the food, of Shane and me messing around,
eating at the side of the road while walking, or in a beachfront cafe, talking to
locals and tourist from Metro Manila who found escape in this place.
It was already late afternoon when we came back to the hostel with our tummy and
hearts full. The sun was setting behind some clouds. Dumeretso ako sa kwarto para
magbihis, but then suddenly I clenched my chest.
Hindi ako makahinga and the intense discomfort almost made me faint. Hinanap ko
agad ang gamot sa mga gamit ko, flinging everything with trembling hands until I
found the white bottle and took the tablets with a bottled water.
Hinintay ko ang sarili ko na kumalma bago lumabas. I pulled up a smile and saw
Shane talking and laughing with some guests and other locals over drinks. His
personality always radiates from him wherever he is, a sunshine, always genuine.
Kumaway siya nang makita ako and I smiled back. On the beachfront, they were
setting up another party, a big bonfire party. On the deck, there were several
girls, one of them our roommate, doing DYI braids and temporary hair colors.
"Gusto mong subukan?" tanong niya.
I suddenly remembered all the time I dyed my hair in my conservative school and how
I stressed out my teachers and how I often had a scheduled visit at the guidance
office, strutting the hallways with my colorful hair with all the fun and time in
the world. For a moment, I want to color my hair again so I could come back to
those days.
So I joined them and tried the color dark blue with faded ash gray highlights. They
were impressed on how I know basic hair coloring technique. When we were done, I
had this pretty night sky-ish hair color.
Hinanap ko si Shane, excited for him to see my hair. The party was starting and
guests and people from other hostels were starting to pile up on the beach.
"Look at my hair!" I exclaimed when I saw him.
Shane faked a groan. "Ah, another horrible flashback of kick-ass Gabriel," iling
niya.
Natawa ako. "I know right!"
Lumapit siya para hawakan ang buhok ko sa kanyang kamay and for a split-second my
smile faded as I stare at him.
"The color suits you, the color of the sky."
The party started at eight in the evening, there were many tourist and people in
the area. The bonfire was blazing, the night sky was clear, the waves were calm and
everyone's getting drunk, laughing, dancing and having the best time.
Shane's getting drinks for the two of us, a beer for him and a non-alcoholic drink
for me. I watch him blend with people, talking, laughing, face flushed with the
heat from the fire. I didn't see much of this side of him, with other people and
places other than beside me, and I'm afraid I won't be able to.
Naglakad ako palayo sa mga tao, to a darker side of the beach, where the noise
faded and there's the dark ocean in front of me. And then I realized I was crying.
My tears fell one after another, until I couldn't hold them any longer. I was
crying, shoulders shaking, as I try to dry my tears with trembling hands.
"Gab?"
Dumating si Shane dala ang mga inumin namin. I tried to calm myself but I couldn't.
"Are you crying?"
"No."
He stepped closer. "Don't," sabi ko. Tumalikod ako before he could even see my
face. "Don't... take any more steps. I'm okay."
"Gab..."
Please Shane, don't. I might tell you things I shouldn't, because I might leave you
anytime.
Did you know why I rarely cry despite of everything, Shane? It's not that I'm
strong or unafraid. It's because I didn't feel anything. All I feel was the
emptiness that I tried to cover up. And then you were there, you and your stupid
voice and silly face and your smiles. You made me feel alive, Shane. I fell in
love with you the same way I fell in love with being alive.
My tears were blurring my vision when I heard Shane walking towards me, paper cups
falling onto the sand.
"Gab, I'm going to cross a line I should have crossed a long time ago."
In the middle of my tears, I saw him in front of me, staring intently at my
crying face, then I felt his hands on my cheeks and then his lips on mine.
***
Chapter 31 - Phenomenal: Thirty

Location: Ilocos
I started to feel unwell when we were in La Union that's why we decided to stay one
more day before continuing our trip. Shane already insisted on going back but I
couldn't. We're so close and I badly want to reach our destination.
I had a phone call with Mom while we're in the car heading to Ilocos. I was
assuring her that everything's fine, we're almost there and we're going home
tomorrow. She's at home with Iñigo and Mamala and I could hear their noises in
the background and I bit my lips and told them I love them.
I was sitting on the passenger's seat of Shane's car, looking at the open sea at
the side of the road, with the slopes of the green mountains on one side. It's like
we're passing through a long bridge.
"Shane, let's stop here." Lumingon si Shane sa'kin habang nagd-drive. "It's so
pretty, Shane. Let's go outside."
So we parked the car at the side of the road and stepped outside, the salty
pleasant air greeting us. We walked on the side of the bridge overlooking the waves
splashing on the rocky shore below us.
"Take a picture of me," ngiti ko. "Here!"
I excitedly pose, staring at the sea, with a the long curving road behind me, dress
dancing in the wind. I took a deep breath then came the sharp pain in my chest. I
tried to hide my discomfort before Shane notice it.
Then I also took pictures of Shane while a car or two would zoomed past us. And
whenever the road was clear, we'd run into the middle and Shane would take pictures
of me, laughing and dancing in my dress, blue hair matching the color of the sky.
And when another car pass by, we would run back to the side of the road, laughing
our hearts out, because to take a good picture requires talent and good reflexes.
"Let's take a picture together!" sabi ko kay Shane, setting the camera onto the
ground, aligning it on the faded yellow lines. "Hurry bago pa may dumaan ulit!"
tawa ko habang hinihila siya. Then we took a timer shot with both of us sitting in
the middle of the road, grinning widely, with Shane's arms on my shoulder.
We continued our trip to the north tip of Luzon, driving for another hour, but
Shane started to notice my weakening state and unstable breathing.
"Gab?"
He slowed down the car, so he could glance at me every few seconds. "Are you okay?"
Nakasandal ako sa bintana, eyes a little close. There's worry in his voice so I
tried to smile. "Yes," I mumbled. "I'm happy."
Shane's grip on the steering wheel tighten, then he stared up, inhaled deeply then
drive again.
Finally, we arrived at the church, the most majestic structure I've seen. I stared
at it, astounded, from the long path towards its entrance with white flowers
surrounding the wide yard.
It's so overwhelming to see something that witness a hundred years, a million

prayers, a thousand lifetime, and in its eyes we're only a tiny piece in its long
life, a fleeting second of unfamiliar faces, different situations and time.
I touched the walls as we enter the sacred silence of the place, as if when I do, I
could be part of this place too, of its lifetime, and the lives it saw and would
see.
"I always wish to be married here," I said, standing in front of the altar, my
voice in a whisper along with the silent prayers of a few people with us.
I keep my eyes in the intricate and delicate carvings of the arches and ceiling.
"Since I learned that Mamala and Pops met here I always wanted to visit this
place and then wish to be married here."
I could feel Shane beside me, staring at me. Humarap ako sa kanya, nakangiti.
"Shane, if you're going to meet a girl someday and marry her, can it be here? I
want to meet her."
Shane keeps staring at me, then he said. "I'm staring at her now."
Then my smile became bittersweet, and tears started to roll down my eyes.
I wonder what it feels like to live a longer life. To plan for your future, to have
thousand of days before you, to have a thousand more mornings, planning your career
path, your wedding, the name of your children, or simple imagining where you would
be a few years from now. Because I never got to feel it.
Shane embraced me in his arms while I'm crying in front of God.
"I'm sorry, Shane. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I won't get to stay longer. I'm sorry I
might leave you any time. I'm sorry if I would hurt you once again."
He wrapped his arms around me into a tight embrace. "You're the best thing that
happened to me, Gabriel. You will always be."
It's late afternoon when we went back to the car, I could feel myself losing
strength as hours pass by. Then Shane and I decided on our last destination.
After an hour of driving, we stopped the car on a sandy ground, just a few steps
from the open sea. I immediately opened the car door and run to see the beach,
strong wind flying my hair. Dumerecho ako sa dagat hanggang umabot sa paa ko ang
tubig.
"Shane!" I called, waving at him. "Shane, the water is so cold!"
Then he walks toward me from the car. Shane... dorky, sunshine, smiling Shane, who
also gets serious, gets angry, get's worried, and who showed me what it feels like
to be alive.
"Shane!" I called again, my voice colliding with the strong wind and the sound of
the waves. "I love you!"
I'm grateful to live in this lifetime as you. And if someday we would meet again,
in another time, another life, I would stay with you longer.
We took a long walk on the beach, the two of us, waters on our feet and the winds
in our hair, with the gigantic windmills a few meters from us, towering, as if
reaching the skies and we're down below, a speck of something, a tiny piece of a
lifetime just like everything else in this universe.
But this something is my everything... my something phenomenal.
We decided to stay in the beach for the night before driving home. Shane set up
blankets and pillows on the back of his car, thick blanket wrapped around the two
of us while watching the setting sun.
"Shane?" I said, eyes on the enthralling beauty of the oranges, yellows and pinks
in the sky. "Promise me you'd live your best life."
Naramdaman ko ang mariin niyang hawak sa mga kamay ko.
"Promise me you'd only cry for me once, then live for the rest of your life."
I leaned on his shoulders, breathing deeply. "Live freely, Shane."
"I love you..." he whispered. "... more than you'll ever know."
Ngumiti ako. "I know, Shane... I always know."
The sunset is so pretty, so calm. I hope it stays beautiful as always, even if I

won't be here to see it.
"I'm a little tired, Shane," I whispered. "Wake me up for the sunrise."
I felt his warm tears on my arms as he hugged me closer and kissed my forehead.
"Rest easy, now Gab. I'll wake you up."
I stared at Shane and smiled, and slowly I closed my eyes. The last thing I saw was
the setting sun.
***
Chapter 32 - Phenomenal: Epilogue

Epilogue
Shane's POV
Siniksik ko ang huling gamit sa bag at dinala ito sa sasakyan. I placed it in the
backseat then checked several things before I go.
"Bukas pa ang flight mo," sabi ni Dad na kasabay ko sa paglabas ng bahay. "Bakit
ang aga mong magbyahe?"
"I'm going to visit someone."
Matapos magpaalam, nagsimula akong magbyahe. Kasabay ng paglayo ko sa siyudad ang

pagbalik ng araw kung saan una ko siyang nakilala.
--
"Shane, this is Gabriel."
Nasa hospital lobby kami noon, katatapos lang ng shift ni Mama at may bagong doctor
na papalit sa kanya. The doctor has a daughter my age, who looked so much like a
bratty kid with pigtails and a smug look on her face.
"Shane?" tanong niya na nakataas ang kilay. "Your name is for girls," pangaasar
niya.
Gab was condescending, even as a kid. She was staring bluntly with those silly
stickers on her face.
"Sayo panlalake," bulong ko. I was a quiet kid, a little shy kahit mahirap
paniwalaan.
She crossed her arms. "So?"
Napailing lang ang mga magulang namin, nakangiti. "For sure, magiging close sila."
It was a statement both Gab and I never agreed on, and yet it became true.
Gab was a kid with her own world and played with her own rules. While other girls
her age play with dolls, she played with telescopes and treasure maps her dad gave
her. And I would be there tagging along in her adventure.
"Let's go! Let's go!"
Gab would sing, raising her tiny hand in the air with a makeshift flag, before
marching to a nearby empty lot or fields near our village for our treasure hunt.
And I would be beside her, smiling, astounded. I couldn't believe a cool girl with
moon and stars stickers on her face would choose to be my friend.
Dumating ang grade school kung saan namatay si Mama sa aksidente. Hindi ako
lumalabas ng kwarto, ayaw kong kumain at hindi pumasok sa school ng dalawang buwan.
Everyone around me were physically there but felt like they're gone. My family
barely had meals together and the rooms in the house were worlds apart.
And then there's Gab who barge around with her bright hair, hopping, smiling, going
through people's spaces and things without a care in the world. Gab who slapped the
hell out of me, made me cry and pour my heart out. If all were grays in my life,
she was the remaining bright color.
Dumating ang high school, may mga bagay na nagbago. We weren't the skinny and
pigtail kids anymore who built fortresses in the yards and hunt around in the
fields.
Dad made me enroll in a basketball camp for two summers. I got taller, my body got
leaner, and somehow people hang around me more and laugh at my bad jokes. Gab never
laugh at my bad jokes. She retorted with sarcasm.
Gabriel's dad left them before we started high school. She became the resident
intimidating girl. Kahit mga lalakeng kakilala ko takot sa kanya. She walked around
in combat boots with a smug smile on her dark red lips and her ever changing hair
color.
But I know it was her way of coping. Kahit hindi niya pinahalata sa ibang tao lalo
na sa Mama niya, nahirapan siyang mag-adjust noong umalis ang Papa niya.
We were a tandem. Sunshine Shane and bad bitch Gabriel.
But she was never bad. I introduced her to my set of friends and once they knew
her, they started to like her. The only negative side to this ay kapag may
pumoporma sa kanya.
"Ligawan ko kaya si Gabriela?"
Minsang sabi ng kalaro namin sa school basketball team. Hindi ko napigilan ang inis
ko at binato ang bola sa mukha niya. Napaatras siya at natumba sa pagiwas.
"Sorry nadulas," sabi ko lang. Kung ano ano kasing sinasabi.
Unti-unting nakahalata ang mga kaibigan namin. Lahat, maliban kay Gabriel. Kapag
may nabalitaan akong pumoporma sa kanya, ako ang unang kumukompronta.
Gab was too good for just anyone... even for myself.
Pagdating ng huling taon sa high school, napansin ko ang pagbabago kay Gab.
"Saan mo nanaman nakuha 'yan?" tanong ko noong madalas siyang may pasa sa braso.
But she would often shrugged it off. "Nakipagsuntukan ako, bakit?"
Dumami ang nakapansin sa school. Mas madalas din siyang mapagod 'di tulad ng dati.
Then there's this constant and almost never ending bleeding tuwing nagkakasugat
siya kahit gaano kaliit. Isang gabi, matapos niyang hindi pumasok ng ilang linggo
dahil sa lagnat, bigla niya akong tinawagan.
"Shane, I have leukemia."
--
"Kuya, aalis ka na ba talaga bukas?" pukaw ng kausap ko sa ear piece habang nagd-
drive.
"Oo, deresto na ako bukas sa airport," sabi ko kay Iñigo.
I was passing by familiar places, places Gab and I once visited.
"Magpapaalam ka ba sa kanya?"
Deretso ang tingin ko sa daan nang sumagot, "Gusto ko siyang makasama bago umalis."
--
Hindi ako umalis sa tabi ni Gab sa mga sumunod na buwan matapos niyang ma-diagnose.
I would stay outside her hospital room most days, visiting her before and after
school. I would stay until her mom had to asked me to go home and rest.
Nakita ko kung paano siya unti unting nanghina. From the smiling, hopping,
colorful-haired Gab, to the one who was lying on the hospital bed, pale and barely
had hair on her head.
Dumating ang senior prom where Gab and I promised at the start of the school year
we would be each other's date. But she couldn't make it so I missed my own prom to
set one in Gab's backyard. And Gab was there, breathtaking as ever in a dark blue
dress, and we spent the night dancing silly under the fairy lights I had set up.
Nag-graduate kami ng high school nang wala siya, nag-enroll sa kanya kanyang kurso
nang hindi siya kasabay. Her treatment lasted for two years at hindi ako lumayo. Sa
hallway ng hospital ako gumagawa ng assignments, sa cafeteria gumagawa ng projects.
"Shane, I'm now on remission."
Umiiyak siya noong ibalita 'yon sa'kin, nasa pangatlong taon na ako ng engineering
noon.
Gab finally enrolled in film school while on remission. Naging normal ulit ang mga
araw naming magkasama. She would visit me in my building after class or during her
free time, we would drive around the city for her projects, or she would stay up
late to help me in my design presentation.
"'Wag ka munang pumupunta sa Engineering. Hintayin mo na lang ako sa building

niyo," minsang sabi ko habang nasa kwarto ko siya.
"Bakit? May nililigawan ka doon, 'no?" biro niya habang nakahiga sa kama at nagt-
type sa laptop.
But it was the other way around. Hindi ko gustong pumupunta siya doon dahil
karamihan sa mga estudyante sa building ay lalake and Gab specifically stand out
because of her personality. Kilala siya ng mga kaklase ko at hindi ko gusto kapag
tinitignan o nababangit siya nang walang dahilan.
"Bakit kasi hindi mo pa ligawan?" tanong ng kaklase ko minsan.
But there was just too much to lose.
--
"Aba, nandito ang suki natin isang beses sa isang taon."
Nakipagbiruan ako sa nags-serve ng drinks sa hostel nang huminto ako sa La Union

para kumain.
"Mukhang napa-aga ka ata sa schedule mo," sabi niya habang inaabutan ako ng malamig
na inumin.
"Pinupuntahan mo pa rin ba siya doon?" tanong niya, nabawasan ang ngiti.
Kada taon, sa parehong araw, I would drive for nearly nine hours just to be in that
place.
I took the cold drink in one gulp. "Hinihintay niya ako."
--
"Shane, may irereto ako sa'yo."
Nasa coffee shop kami noon, nagc-celebrate dahil sa mataas na grades ni Gab sa
project.
"Irereto?" Kunot-noo na tanong ko.
"Kagroup ko siya sa film project. Mabait siya, maganda..." she listed out her good
points. "Alam mo kasi ikaw, laging palpak ang mga nagiging girlfriend mo."
"Gusto mo akong magka-girlfriend ngayon?" Umaasa ako na mali ako ng rinig.
"It's bad to be always by my side, Shane. Paano na lang 'pag nagka-boyfriend na

ako?"
Gusto kong matawa. Damn Gab. You should have just struck a knife in my throat and
that would be better.
Matapos ang halos araw-araw na pangungulit niya, I decided to go through with it.
Tulad ng sinabi ni Gab, mabait si Cheska, maalalahanin. I initially thought it
would be a quick fling but there was a time I was serious with her.
Pero kahit anong pilit ko, o sino ang kasama ko, bumabalik ang isip ko kay Gab.
Cheska and I broke up. Kasabay nito naging busy ako. Nag-graduate, nagreview,
nakapasa sa board, nagsimula sa internship.
Hanggang sa isang gabi tumawag si Gab sa'kin. There was no emotion in her voice
when she said.
"Shane, babalik ako sa hospital. I had a relapsed."
--
Bumalik ako sa daan matapos huminto sa La Union.
On the passenger seat was a camera and a worn-out notebook with faded handwriting.
Her handwriting.
Binigay ito ng Mama niya sa'kin isang buwan matapos ang araw na 'yon.
"This is as good as yours, Shane. I hope this will help you heal."
It took me a year bago ko nakagawang basahin ang mga nakasulat dito. Some of the
writings were messy, with blotches of ink on the paper as if she was crying while
writing on it.
On the first page was her initials at the bottom right corner. GSG.
Then followed by entries, from the day we planned the road trip in the cafeteria,
to the last location.
Naalala ko ang araw na nakalabas siyang muli sa ospital matapos ang relapsed.
She was busy welcoming herself back home while I was busy watching her. She was
almost dancing on her feet, happy, giddy to finally be back. Nasa harap siya ng
nakakasilaw na bintana habang hinahawakan ang mga dahon ng halaman. But her smile
was the brightest.
Habang nakikipagbiruan kasama si Mamala at si Iñigo, bigla niya akong tinanong.
"Single daw ako habang buhay?"
Pinunasan ko ang icing sa labi niya. "Nandito naman ako." I saw confusion in her
eyes kaya dinugtungan ko ng biro. "Para ampunin ko kung sakaling wala ng gustong
magalaga sayo kapag matanda ka na."
In my mind I was cursing myself. I should have just told her.
Naging makulit siya sa pagpapahanap sa'kin ng boyfriend matapos makalabas ng

ospital. Ingat na ingat akong 'wag siyang masaktan, pero parang wala siyang
pakialam at nagpapahanap ng kung sino na lang.
She was so sly. Ang sarap iuntog sa pader para lang matauhan. Nandito naman ako.
Pwede ko siyang samahan kahit saan. Naghahanap siya ng taong pwede siyang mahulog,
habang lunod na ako sa kanya.
I set her up on several dates but every time it would end up messy. Isang hapon
bigla siyang tumawag sa'kin, nanginginig ang boses habang nasa tabi ng daan.
I was so fucking mad. Iniwan ko ang trabaho ko sa site para puntahan siya. And
there she was, sitting on the side of the road, pale and tear-stained.
I was cursing myself, for letting it happened and for being mad at her because I
couldn't hide it any longer. I was so scared something might have happened to her.
Magkausap kami noong gabing 'yon sa video call habang kinukwento niya ang nangyari,
hanggang sa nakatulog siya habang kausap ko. Pinagmasdan ko ang mukha niya na
nakasiksik sa kumot, nakapikit ang mga mata.
Before ending the call I whispered to her. "Can you fall for me instead?"
Matapos ang Halloween biglang nagbago ang lahat. Na-assign ako sa project sa
Pangasinan. Naging busy ako hanggang sa bigla na lang akong nawalan ng
kumonikasyon kay Gab.
Hindi siya sumasagot sa mga text o tawag ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Bago 'yon
maayos pa kami.
Wala akong nagawa kundi paulit-ulit siyang tawagan o itext. It went on for several
days at halos mabaliw ako. We've had our fights, lots of them. Pero hindi niya pa
ginawa sa'kin 'to. Lagi niyang sinasabi sa'kin kung ano ang problema, kung may
nangyari ba, kung may mali.
Habang nasa site, sumagot si Iñigo sa isa sa mga text ko.
"Kuya, nasa hospital ulit si Gab."
I dropped everything. I drove the four hour drive from the tip of Pangasinan to
Quezon City like it was nothing. Hapon na noong makarating ako sa hospital,
tumatakbo, hinihingal. Pagdating ko sa kwarto niya, nakahiga siya, natutulog.
Halos bumagsak ako sa sahig sa pagod at buntong hininga. Sa wakas kaharap ko na
siya. She was my priority. She's always been. Kaya kong iwan ang lahat at unahin
siya. But Gab took it the wrong way.
"That's not what asking you to do, Shane... Just go and live your life and I'd be
here just fine."
Hindi ko mapigilang mainis, magalit.
Ano'ng gusto mong gawin ko, Gab? You're asking me to live my life but you've been
my life for so long. What do you want me to do? Bakit kailangan mo akong
ipagtulakan palayo sayo?
"Babalik ako bukas," sabi ko dahil mukhang wala ng patutunguhan ang usapan namin.
Both of us were tired, scared, confused.
"I hope you don't."
Tinitigan ko siya habang nakahiga at nakatalikod sa'kin. Sa bawat salitang

binitawan niya para itong kutsilyo na tumarap sa dibdib ko. Damn Gab, you really
know how to hurt me.
Patuloy ako sa pagbisita sa kanya nang hindi niya alam. I would drive to Quezon
City almost every evening to see her, at babalik sa Pangasinan bago mag-umaga.
Nandoon ako noong itakbo siya sa ICU, sa hallway, walang tulog, naghihintay.
"Shane, magpahinga ka muna," sabi ng Mama niya isang gabi. "Tatawagan ka namin 'pag
nagising siya."
Pero hindi ko gustong umalis sa tabi niya. Natakot ako na kapag iniwan ko siya,
wala na akong babalikan.
When Gab finally woke up, things were different. Kinausap ako ng Mama niya habang
pinagmamasdan siya mula sa hallway.
"Shane, Gabriel won't live long."
"Tita... kaya niya 'yan. Si Gabriel 'yan."
But her Mom was shaking her head, crying. "Shane, she's in her final stage of
cancer."
--
Matapos ang ilang oras na byahe mula La Union, narating ko sa isang pamilyar na
daan. It was a long bridge with mountains on the side and rocky shore below.
Binuksan ko ang bintana at nilanghap ang preskong hangin mula sa dagat. Maganda ang
panahon ngayon. Kulay asul ang langit. Like the color of her hair.
"Shane, take a picture of me here!"
I could almost hear her voice calling me.
Sumulyap ako sa litrato na nakaipit sa dashboard. Ang nakangiti niyang mukha habang
nakaupo kaming dalawa sa gitna ng daan, arms on each other's shoulder.
Pagdating ko sa lumang simbahan, may nangyayaring kasal. Lumabas ako sa sasakyan

just in time to witness the bride and groom walking down the steps of the church,
face blushing, habang umuulan ng puting bulaklak sa daraanan nila.
"I've always wished to be married here."
Siniksik ko ang palad sa bulsa ng pantalon at sumandal sa sasakyan.
You said if ever I met someone and marry her you wished it would be here. I'm
twenty seven now, Gab. Taon-taon pa rin akong bumabalik dito na ikaw lang ang nasa
isip.
Bumalik ako sa sasakyan at nagdrive papunta sa dagat.
Naalala ko ang araw bago ang road trip namin ni Gab.
"Anytime, Shane," her mom said to me. "She could leave anytime. Are you okay with
it?"
"I want her to be happy."
I put up a smile when Gab run to me in the hallway. I caught her in my arms and
hugged her tight.
"Let's go! Let's run. The road is waiting!"
Hinila niya ako palabas ng hospital, nakangiti, nagniningning ang mga mata, just
like the little girl with the moon and stars stickers on her face.
Muli kong natanaw ang mga nagtataasang windmills na nakaharap sa walang katapusang
dagat. Pinarada ko ang sasakyan sa buhanginan at lumabas.
Umupo ako sa likod ng truck. Nandito na ulit ako Gab. Hinintay mo ba ako?
Naalala ko ang huling pagkakataon na kasama ko siya sa lugar na ito.
"Wake me up for the sunrise."
But she never got to see that sunrise.
When she woke up, we're already in the hospital back in the city. She was already
in ICU for a week. We were all there waiting for her. Mamala, Iñigo, her Mom.
Gab was the happiest in those three days. I thought things got better.
Pero noong pangatlong araw, nang magpaalam ako para umuwi at magbihis, Gab held my
hand.
"Are you heading home?" she asked in a weak voice.
"Babalik ako."
"Shane?" She smiled at me, her eyes still the brightest even if her body tells
different. "Wake up every sunrise for me."
Habang nasa sasakyan noong hapong 'yon, limang minuto matapos umalis sa hospital,
tumawag sa'kin ang Mama niya.
"Shane, wala na si Gab."

Tinigil ko ang sasakyan sa tabi ng daan. I rested my head on the steering wheel at
tahimik na umiyak. Nothing had prepared me for the pain of losing her.
Almost.
It almost got better. She almost stayed. We almost made it.
--
"Shane! The water is so cold!"
Gab's face was grinning at the camera, running towards the ocean, her laugh drowned
by the sound of waves and wind.
"Shane, they're so beautiful. Look!" turo niya sa mga hot-air balloons sa langit
habang bagong gising ang mukha.
There's hundred more pictures of her, while eating at cafes, while dancing under
the night sky in a vintage dress. Videos of her singing loudly in the car while I
was driving, her laugh while zooming along supermarket aisle in a shopping cart.
"Pwede na ba akong maging model?"
I paused the video of her holding a silly cereal box. I touched her smiling face on
the screen.
You're the most beautiful angel, Gab. If only I could give the world to touch you
again.
Binaba ko ang camera at humarap sa dagat. I held my can of beer and made cheers to
the setting sun.
Iñigo got into med school, Gab. Kuya Tristan, he's engaged. Dad's in his last term,
and your Mom and Mamala put up a foundation in your name.
How about you, Gab? Are you in a better place now?
Tuluyang lumubog ang araw. Lumalamig na ang ihip ng hangin at lumalakas ang alon sa
dagat. Tumingala ako sa buwan na natatakpan ng mga ulap.
Are you watching me now? Are you squinting your eyes through your telescope?
To the moon and back, remember?
Magdamag akong nanatili sa dalampasigan. Dahil hindi ko alam kung muli pa akong
makakabalik sa lugar na ito. Inside my car, in the compartment, is a one-way plane
ticket to Toronto for tomorrow.
It took me years to finally get back on my feet. Halos buong buhay ko, nasa tabi ko
siya at hindi ko alam kung paano magsisimula nang nawala siya. All that's keeping
me sane was my promise to her.
I'll wake up every sunrise for you.
I took a long swig of the beer, tears blurring my eyes.
Gab, the girl who fell in love with being alive, I'm here to say goodbye.
I'm going to live my best life now, so when the time comes and we would see each
other again, you would greet me with a smile and run into my arms again and say
you're proud of me.
Magkikita ulit tayo, Gab. Hintayin mo ako sa susunod na habang buhay.
The End
***
Author's Note:
Hi there! This is the end of the road for Gab and Shane's story. Thank you guys so
much for reading, loving, and giving this story a chance.
It was a quick bliss, a bittersweet adventure. Writing SP was the most fun I had in
the last few months. Shane and Gab will always be my favorite tandem.
Thank you for the love, readers. Lagi akong nagugulat sa pinapakita niyong
pagmamahal sa mga kwentong gawa ko. I hope this story inspires you to live a little
braver.
If you will miss them, like I would surely do, let's come back here some time and
relive their adventure. You can also tag me your thoughts and tweets about the
story @breatheapril or use #SomethingPhenomenal
May you live freely and fall in love with being alive.
Your author,
April
The End

April Avery - Something Phenomenal

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April Avery - Something Phenomenal

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Something Phenomenal

Chapter 2 - Phenomenal: One

ICED COFFEE! GONNA KILL YOU IF YOU FORGET.

"You're such a baby."

"You look stupid."

"Magulo padin," walang interest na sagot niya.

"Dahan dahan naman! Hindi tatakbo mga 'yan!"

Sa sobrang bigat ng palo niya, pakiramdam ko hindi niya ako tinutulungan at

"Break na kami ni Cheska."

I blinked my growing lashes. "The fuck?"

"Dalawa," he had the audacity to clarify.

"Yon ba ang dahilan kung bakit nag-deactivate siya lately?"

Kumunot ang noo niya.

"Hindi ko nakikita ang mga post and stories niya lately."

"Baka blocked ka sa kanya."

"Wala akong kinalaman sa katarantaduhan mo, ah."

"Ako agad ang tarantado?"

"And this time, I let her."

Tumayo ako at niyakap siya. "I'm so very sorry, Shane."

"Here, you can have my coffee."

"Nakakatouch," tukoy niya sa patak ng kapeng natira.

"Tinira ko talaga 'yan para sa'yo," ngiti ko.

"You'll get over it and find another one." I offered.

"Trip? Saan, sa lobby?"

"God. You're a weirdo."

"You love me," I gave him a toothy grin.

Kinailangan ko ng bumalik sa kwarto ko bandang hapon.

Whenever my camera wasn't raided by my classmates, I was the designated

But I did love it.

"Ito ang mga gamot mo today."

Binaba niya ang maliit na tray sa mesa sa tabi ng kama ko.

This looks like you hehe.

Bili ka potato chips and chocolate chips when you visit.

A moment later a bubble appear that means he's typing.

Wala ako pera!

I typed with a sinister smile. Bayaran ko dito.

"Walang potato chips?"

"So, kamusta naman si girlfriend?" I teased.

"Wala akong girlfriend!" Himutok niya.

"Have you sanitize your hand?" tanong niya kay Iñigo.

"Iniinom mo ba ang mga gamot mo?"

Home. It's been the rarity for me.

The moment I sent the message, he's already typing a reply.

Makakalabas ka nanaman sa lungga mo. Then he inserted a sighing emoji.

I sent him an laughing evil witch gif.

"Wear some shirt."

Tumahimik siya bago ako tinignan sa screen. "Sobra."

Chapter 4 - Phenomenal: Three

Or sometimes, instead of extracting they would insert fluids in my skin, testing

On mid-mornings, if I don't have a visitor to entertain I usually edit different

And that's usually my daytime routine. Quite impressive, huh?

Chapter 5 - Phenomenal: Four

"Balita ko lalabas ka na, Gab."

"Lalabas?" nabiglang tanong ko.

"Inaayos na nila ang release paper mo."

Para akong nakarinig ng fireworks. "Oh my God?"

Tumango siya. "Oh my God talaga," sabi ng malambot niyang boses.

"Talaga bang lalabas na ako?"

Hindi ko mapigilang bumungisngis.

But still. Finally after five months lalabas na ako.

"Wala kang dalang pagkain?"

Binaba niya ang backpack sa sofa. "Mukha kang pagkain."

"Iuuwi mo na ba 'yan pagkatapos?"

"Oo, sasabay ako kay Mama."