The Fic in Which the Pedro Pascal Characters Have Cellphones and Speak to One Another

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/45425137.

Rating: General Audiences

Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Category: Gen
Fandom: The Equalizer (Movies), The Bubble (2022 Apatow), The Mandalorian
(TV), Prospect (2018), Triple Frontier (2019), Kingsman (Movies),
Narcos (TV), The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent (2022), The
Last of Us (TV), We Can Be Heroes (2020), The Mentalist,
Bloodsucking Bastards (2015), House Comes with a Bird (Short Film),
Game of Thrones (TV), The Great Wall (2017), NYPD Blue, Wonder
Woman: 1984, Concha Y Toro Casillero del Diablo "Would You Steal
From the Devil?" Commercial (2021), Fire Meet Gasoline - Sia (Music
Video), Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV), Merge Mansion (Video Game),
Saturday Night Live Sketches
Character: Dave York, Dieter Bravo, Din Djarin, Ezra (Prospect 2018), Francisco
"Catfish" Morales, Jack | Whiskey (Kingsman), Javier Peña (Narcos),
Javi Gutierrez, Joel (The Last of Us), Marcus Moreno, Marcus Pike, Max
Phillips, Nico (House Comes With A Bird), Oberyn Martell, Pero Tovar,
Shane "Dio" Morrissey, Maxwell Lord, The Thief (Casillero del Diablo
"Would You Steal From the Devil?" Commercial), Nick Caldwel (Fire
Meet Gasoline - Sia (Music Video)), Eddie (BtVS), Tim Rockford,
Charlie (SNL Sketch), Mr. Ben (SNL Sketch), Meemaw (SNL Sketch),
Mario (SNL Sketch), Wing Bro (SNL Sketch), Paul (SNL Sketch), The
Waiter (SNL Sketch)
Additional Tags: Chaos, Crack Treated Seriously, no beta we die like oberyn, Swearing,
a lot of swearing, Chatting & Messaging, Pedro Pascal please don’t
read this, idk if you read fanfiction, but if you stumble across this, dont
read it, chatfic, they’re self aware btw, they know and have seen what
you all have done, run /j, also those who died did “die” but they came
back in the name of canon doesnt exist here, slight mentions of their
source’s characters, Maybe I’ll add them too, who knows - Freeform
Language: English
Collections: Anonymous
Stats: Published: 2023-03-01 Updated: 2023-03-13 Chapters: 4/? Words:
4842

The Fic in Which the Pedro Pascal Characters Have

Cellphones and Speak to One Another
by Anonymous

Summary

*heavy breathing* c h a t f i c o f p e d r o ‘ s c h a r a c t e r s
That's it, that's the summary.
Notes

Here’s the key:

Dave York - Dave
Dieter Bravo - manslut
Din Djarin - #1 Space Dad
Ezra - #1 astronaut dad
Frankie Morales - Catfish
Jack Daniels/Agent Whiskey - McWhiskey
Javier Peña - DEA Agent Dick
Javi Gutierrez - javi !!
Joel Miller - #1 Apocalypse Dad
Marcus Moreno - #1 superhero dad
Marcus Pike - Marcus
Max Phillips - bloodsucking bastard
Maxwell Lord - Maxwell Lord
Nico - birds are pretty
Oberyn Martell - manslut but prince
Pero Tovar - scarface but not
Shane Morrissey - dio
 “not this shit again”
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

javi !! added Dave, manslut, #1 Space Dad, #1 astronaut dad, Catfish, McWhiskey, DEA Agent
Dick, #1 Apocalypse Dad, #1 superhero dad, Marcus, bloodsucking bastard, Maxwell Lord,
birds are pretty, manslut but prince, scarface but not, and dio to the group friends <3

bloodsucking bastard: no.

dio: what the fucky fuck fuck fuck

Dave: Why

manslut: i hate it here

scarface but not: what is this?

manslut but prince: not this shit again.

manslut but prince left the group

javi !! added manslut but prince

manslut but prince: why?

javi !!: come on we hardly talk stay plsssss

McWhiskey: Why am I here

#1 Apocalypse Dad: No.

Catfish: Javi we talked about this

Catfish: No group chats got it?

javi !!: but pero and oberyn finally got phones cmon

manslut but prince: and i hate it here.

#1 astronaut dad: how am I #1 astronaut dad if Din is already #1 Space Dad?

#1 Space Dad: Because I’m not an astronaut.

#1 Space Dad: I think.

Maxwell Lord: Can you all quiet down please I need my beauty sleep

bloodsucking bastard: honey, you’re ugly af. nice try though.

birds are pretty: tea

DEA Agent Dick: oh my god, can you all shut up for five minutes? I don’t need others to ask why
I’m on my phone at work.
manslut: “work”? what do u do again? sleep with others?

DEA Agent Dick: oh haha, you think you’re funny, Bravo? you’re lucky I managed to get charges
dropped when you broke into someone’s place after getting high.

Marcus: Can you guys not fight? For like, five minutes, please.

#1 superhero dad: there’s a lot of #1 dads in this chat. should I be scared?

#1 Space Dad: No.

#1 astronaut dad: yes.

#1 Apocalypse Dad: No.

manslut: fight to the death

manslut: fight to the death
manslut: fight to the death

DEA Agent Dick: shut it, Bravo.

Marcus: I’m going to go insane. You guys are going to drive me insane.

bloodsucking bastard changed the group name to hell is real

javi !!: hey!! i just did this so we can become closer

javi !! changed the group name to friends <3

bloodsucking bastard: and it sucks here.

javi !!: ow

#1 superhero dad: leave him alone, max.

bloodsucking bastard: hey, im just saying.

#1 superhero dad: apologize.

bloodsucking bastard: im sorry for being honest.

#1 superhero dad: that’s not it.

bloodsucking bastard: im sorry for being too amazing and relatable.

#1 superhero dad: not even close.

bloodsucking bastard: im sorry for being mean.

#1 superhero dad: good.

javi !!: u r the best marcus!!

bloodsucking bastard: oh cmon

#1 superhero dad: you should have been nice.

manslut: this cute but when is someone gonna makeout with me?

bloodsucking bastard: so ur name isn’t a lie.

#1 superhero dad: dieter, kids are present, please don’t.

manslut: so i take it as a no.

dio: i hate it here

dio changed the group name to literally the stupidest fucking thing ever

#1 superhero dad: dio.

dio: yes?

#1 superhero dad: what did I say about cursing?

dio: do it always

#1 superhero dad: that’s not it.

dio: curse only around little kids

#1 superhero dad: that’s not it either.

dio: don’t curse around the dads itll give them a heart attack

#1 superhero dad: nope.

#1 superhero dad: try again.

dio: dont do it ever

#1 superhero dad: good.

dio changed the group name to literally the stupidest thing ever
#1 superhero dad changed the group name to literally the best thing ever

dio: whatever you need to convince yourself this is a good thing ripoff chris pratt lmao

bloodsucking bastard: dang, did u adopt goth bitch over?

dio: hes not my dad

#1 superhero dad: no.

Maxwell Lord: Whatever you need to keep the internet from calling you a dilf.

bloodsucking bastard: they already do. have u seen the fancams on tiktok?

Maxwell Lord: No because everyone always plays that FMK game and kills me off.
bloodsucking bastard: thats because u r an ugly bitch.

javi !!: can u guys please not fight?

javi !!: its not healthy :(

bloodsucking bastard: not healthy for u.

bloodsucking bastard: it’s healthy for me.
bloodsucking bastard: so it’s u problem, not a me problem.

javi !!: ow

Marcus: Max.
Marcus: Apologize to Javi. Right now.

bloodsucking bastard: no.

bloodsucking bastard left the group

Marcus added bloodsucking bastard

Marcus: Apologize.

bloodsucking bastard: fine.

bloodsucking bastard: im sorry for being rude again.
bloodsucking bastard: lets be besties and put this behind us.

javi !!: fr!?

bloodsucking bastard: sure.

javi !!: i have a bestie!! :D

McWhiskey: I wouldn’t be happy about that bestie

javi !!: dont care hes my bestie

bloodsucking bastard: omfg.

bloodsucking bastard: someone sedate him.
bloodsucking bastard: please.
bloodsucking bastard: hes knocking on my door asking to watch movies with him.
bloodsucking bastard: i didnt ask for this.

Catfish: You did.

Catfish: Gl.

bloodsucking bastard: fuck u.

#1 Space Dad: Alright, putting this chaos aside.

#1 Space Dad: There should be rules here.
#1 Space Dad: Since this chat was made for us to speak to one another, we should use it for
emergencies.
#1 Space Dad: Everyone who agrees, please say I.
bloodsucking bastard: i.

dio: i

#1 astronaut dad: I.

Maxwell Lord: I.

#1 superhero dad: i.

McWhiskey: I

DEA Agent Dick: I.

javi !!: i!!

manslut: i

birds are pretty: i

#1 Space Dad: Then it’s settled.

#1 Space Dad: Chat is for emergencies.

#1 Apocalypse Dad: I think this is a bad idea.

dio: and??
dio: it’s short and to the point
dio: and majority rules old man lmao

manslut: don’t diss the old man dio

manslut: ull give him a heart attack

dio: oh ur right how could i forget

dio: sorry old man won’t happen again

dio changed #1 Apocalypse Dad ’s name to old man

old man left the group

manslut: did we just bully joel fucking miller into leaving a group chat?

dio: dang
dio: a leader has fallen today
dio: f in chat for the old man
dio: may he rest in peace

manslut: f

javi !!: f

birds are pretty: f

bloodsucking bastard: f.
#1 Space Dad: I leave for five minutes to deal with Grogu, and you already made someone leave.
#1 Space Dad: Fucking great.

dio: not my fault joel is old

dio: in fact sounds like a skill issue

#1 Space Dad: Yes, but it’s your fault he left.

#1 Space Dad added old man

#1 Space Dad changed old man ’s name to #1 Apocalypse Dad

#1 Space Dad: No more bullying and changing names.

#1 Space Dad: Alright?

dio: no promises

#1 Space Dad: Sigh.

dio: did you just type sigh

dio: fucking nerd
dio: fucking bozo
dio: what an L

#1 Space Dad: Marcus, its cursing again.

dio left the group

#1 superhero dad added dio
dio left the group
#1 superhero dad added dio
dio changed #1 superhero dad ’s name to fuck off old man
dio left the group
fuck off old man added dio
fuck off old man changed their own name to #1 superhero dad

#1 superhero dad: you’re going to apologize.

dio: no <3
dio: i dont wanna

#1 superhero dad: dio, please.

dio: fine
dio: sorry to both din and joel for being rude.

#1 superhero dad: good.

dio changed the group name to the pissbabies

dio: boomers
dio: let me have this

#1 superhero dad changed the group name to the united characters of pedro
 #1 superhero dad: no.

dio: i hate you

#1 superhero dad: love you too gremlin.

dio: i hope missy grows up hating you

#1 superhero dad: i doubt it will happen.

dio: i hate it here

manslut but prince: why does this tiny box keep vibrating and making noises?

dio: were talking in a group chat

dio: what did you expect?

manslut but prince: i don’t know, peace and quiet?

manslut: too bad

manslut: there is no peace
manslut: that doesnt exist here

manslut but prince: fuck, of course.

manslut but prince: i think my phone is having stroke

dio: sounds like a skill issue

manslut but prince: marcus, its bullying me

#1 superhero dad: dio.

dio left the group

Chapter End Notes

LET ME KNOW IF I MISSED SOME CHARACTERS OF PEDRO’S

 “use the rizz”
Chapter Summary

Chaos.
Shoutout to Beautyagegoodnesssize for the idea!
CW for some implied NSFW stuff (like it was mentioned but more implied than as it
wasn’t directly said).

Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

manslut: guys
manslut: i have an issue

DEA Agent Dick: whose house did you break into after getting high?

manslut: what
manslut: no
manslut: its not that

DEA Agent Dick: what is it then?

manslut: din is going to come after me

DEA Agent Dick: my god

DEA Agent Dick: your funeral. I’m not helping you with this.

manslut: cmon
manslut: pls

DEA Agent Dick: no.

#1 Apocalypse Dad: I’m not helping.

#1 Apocalypse Dad: Din scares me when he’s angry.

dio: L.
dio: ur problem

bloodsucking bastard: i like chaos but not that chaos.

manslut: you guys suck

manslut: javier especially

manslut changed DEA Agent Dick ’s name to i sleep with hookers

i sleep with hookers: what the fuck?

 i sleep with hookers changed manslut ’s name to I do drugs

I do drugs: i do
I do drugs: thanks for noticing

i sleep with hookers: have you no regret?

I do drugs: nope.
I do drugs: i am good

i sleep with hookers: of course, you don’t.

dio: are we changing our names to our crimes?

dio: if so
dio: dont mind if i do

dio changed bloodsucking bastard ’s name to tax fraud

dio changed #1 Apocalypse Dad ’s name to boomer
dio changed #1 Space Dad ’s name to will do anything for money
dio changed McWhiskey ’s name to alcoholic
dio changed #1 astronaut dad ’s name to dilf murderer

dio: i rest my case

boomer: What?
boomer: How’s being a boomer a crime?

dio: it just is

boomer: You worry me.

tax fraud: tax fraud.

tax fraud: ive murdered people
tax fraud: and all i get is tax fraud.

alcoholic: At least you’re not “alcoholic”.

dilf murderer: or dilf murderer

alcoholic changed dio ’s name to Gothic Bitch

Gothic Bitch: excuse u

alcoholic: I have spoken.

will do anything for money: I am going to ignore what’s happening.

will do anything for money: But Dieter, what did you do you?

I do drugs: why would i do anything

Gothic Bitch: dieter gave grogu sugar

I do drugs: dio stfu

will do anything for money: I should have known.

I do drugs left the group

will do anything for money added I do drugs
will do anything for money changed their own name to Mando

Mando: We’re going to talk about this.

I do drugs: absolutely not

I do drugs: let grogu have this

Mando: No.
Mando: Talk about this now.
Mando: Or
Mando: I will come to your room and make you.

I do drugs: fine
I do drugs: pms

Mando: PMS?

I do drugs: omfg
I do drugs: ur an old man
I do drugs: private dms
I do drugs: well discuss there

_____

Mando & I do drugs ’s private chat

Mando: I figured it out, but thank you for having Dio send me stuff about how.

I do drugs: yeah dont look at it

I do drugs: dio only sent memes and rickrolls

Mando: Rickrolls?

I do drugs: dont ask

I do drugs: you don’t want to know
I do drugs: but what are we specifically talking about

Mando: Oh yeah, right.

Mando: But basically, please don’t give Grogu any of your “earth products”.
Mando: I have not a clue if it’ll affect him negatively or not.

I do drugs: i mean it doesnt

I do drugs: ive done this before
I do drugs: i hate to tell you this

Mando: You worry me.

I do drugs: aw didnt know you cared din

I do drugs: does that meet ull be coming by my room later

Mando left the private chat

Message failed to send
You have been blocked by Mando
Message failed to send
You have been blocked by Mando
Message failed to send
You have been blocked by Mando

_____

the united characters of pedro

I do drugs: did u seriously block me din

Mando: Yes.

i sleep with hookers: oh fuck.

i sleep with hookers: please tell me you didn’t fuck him, djarin.
i sleep with hookers: i’d have to owe morrissey five bucks.

Mando: No, I did not.

i sleep with hookers: pay up, morrissey.

Gothic Bitch: goddammit

Gothic Bitch: use the rizz din
Gothic Bitch: use the rizz

Mando: Use the what?

Gothic Bitch: rizz

I do drugs: u seriously don’t know what rizz is

Mando: No.
Mando: Should I?

I do drugs: u all know what that means right?

i sleep with hookers: oh fuck no.

i sleep with hookers: dieter, do not.

I do drugs: he needs to learn

I do drugs: how else will this mandalorian get laid

i sleep with hookers: no.

alcoholic: Are we giving helmet bitch dating advice

i sleep with hookers: no.

i sleep with hookers: absolutely not.
manslut but prince: well, you see, din, what you need to do is conquer whatever they fear.
manslut but prince: find it, kill it, and bring it back to them.
manslut but prince: the reward is worth it.
manslut but prince: especially in bed.

Mando: I have no idea what that means.

Mando: What is going on?

i sleep with hookers: djarin.

i sleep with hookers: leave.
i sleep with hookers: now.
i sleep with hookers: if you leave now, they won’t follow you.
i sleep with hookers: they can smell fear.

alcoholic: Oberyn isn’t wrong, but he isn’t on the right path.

alcoholic: What you need to do is make yourself assertive and make it aware that you are
interested in them. Make sure whoever you are interested in knows you want them.
alcoholic: I’m an expert on this thing. It’ll work.

i sleep with hookers: stop.

i sleep with hookers: please.

I do drugs: what i do is make sure they know right away i wanna fuck
I do drugs: they can say or no afterwards

Mando: I’m scared to ask any questions.

Mando: Javier, please help.

tax fraud: i agree with dieter.

tax fraud: but make sure you flirt.
tax fraud: a lot.

dilf murderer: I have nothing to say.

dilf murderer: I am not interested in people </3

boomer: Don’t fall in love.

boomer: It sucks.
boomer: Especially if you have a kid with them and that kid stays with you. You feel so bad for
them not having two parents anymore.

scarface but not: joel has a point.

scarface but not: love is complicated.
scarface but not: don’t do it.

Mando: Why are you giving me dating advice when all I did was ask what rizz was?

i sleep with hookers: run.

i sleep with hookers: please.
i sleep with hookers: don’t listen to them.

Catfish: Be nice
Catfish: Flirt maybe
Catfish: Have a few shots beforehand for confidence
Catfish: It’ll work out
Catfish: Maybe

javi !!: been busy with stuff

javi !!: but din
javi !!: all you need to do is be nice and yourself

tax fraud: busy my ass.

tax fraud: were watching a movie.
tax fraud: i didn’t agree to watching it either.

javi !!: its part of the bestie contract

tax fraud: bestie contract?

tax fraud: when did i sign this bestie contract?

javi !!: last night

javi !!: we were watching paddington 2 and u cried as you signed the contract
javi !!: well should specify you were a bit tipsy but you signed it

tax fraud: fuck.

Gothic Bitch: anyway

Gothic Bitch: move aside mr old vamp man
Gothic Bitch: din all u need to search for is control
Gothic Bitch: and when u have it
Gothic Bitch: whoever u r after is urs

#1 superhero dad: you guys worry me.

#1 superhero dad: just be nice, din. it’ll work out.

Dave: Why are you all just sharing dating advice?

I do drugs: shh
I do drugs: trust the process

Dave: Okay??

birds are pretty: I say as someone who loves romance

birds are pretty: Din, just let them go if they dont love you.

Marcus: Exactly what Nico said.

Marcus: It’s best to let go if they don’t reciprocate your feelings.

Maxwell Lord: Fuck that.

Maxwell Lord: Din.
Maxwell Lord: Honey.
Maxwell Lord: Sweety.
Maxwell Lord: Not the love of my life.
 Maxwell Lord: If they don’t love you back, make them.

tax fraud: as if anyone would love your ugly ass.

Maxwell Lord: Fuck you.

I do drugs: javier any dating advice you want to share with din?

i sleep with hookers left the group

I do drugs: oh
I do drugs: i think he said love isnt worth it din

Mando left the group

Gothic Bitch: thank god

Gothic Bitch: dont have to hear javier asking for the five bucks

I do drugs added i sleep with hookers

Gothic Bitch: fuck

Gothic Bitch left the group

Chapter End Notes

Edit #1 (which is like 02/03/23 sibjbjb) - I HAVE NEW CHARACTERS TO STUDY!

(Thief/Devil from that one Casillero del Diablo commercial, Nick Caldwel(?) from
that one Sia music video, Pietro Alvarez from If Beale Street Could Talk, and
MAYBE (just maybe) the SNL skit characters, debating on including them).
Edit #2 (03/03/23) - Studied and done a deep-ish dive on Thief (yes, that is his name)
and Nick. They’re going into the next chapter. Tags for them have also been added.
 “shut up. u dont even have a canon name.“
Chapter Notes

CW for more sexually implied/mentioned stuff + drugs being mentioned

More chaos + added two more characters

Key for the two new characters:

World’s Great Thief - Thief (he’s from that one Casillero del Diablo commercial)
gasoline - Nick Caldwel(?) (he’s from that one Sia music video)

I didn’t add Pietro Alvarez from If Beale Street Could Talk yet because I haven’t
watched it yet, and I didn’t add the SNL skit characters because still debating, as I’ve
said in the last chapter’s notes.
__
Translations for the emoji language:
❓ ❔ - Why am I here?
- Oh okay
‼️ - Thank you!
❓ ️ ❔ - Can you speak
in words please?
- Yes

See the end of the chapter for more notes

javi !! added World's Greatest Thief and gasoline

tax fraud: get that bitch out of here.

javi !!: thats not nice max

tax fraud: fine.

tax fraud: he can stay.
tax fraud: but if he even talks to me even for a second
tax fraud: its on sight.

World’s Greatest Thief: Max, why do you hate me? I am an innocent soul.

tax fraud: shut up. u dont even have a canon name.

tax fraud: how do u feel about that, huh?

World’s Greatest Thief: Better than Nick over there. He made up a name.

tax fraud: and??

tax fraud: take him over u anyday.

World’s Greatest Thief: Javi, please control your dog.

World’s Greatest Thief: He’s hurting my feelings.
javi !!: max calm down

tax fraud: fine.

tax fraud: he started it.

World’s Greatest Thief: Does that matter?

tax fraud: yes.

javi !!: no
javi !!: max apologize

tax fraud: thief im sorry for being honest and hateful towards u.
tax fraud: ill make sure to be nicer from now on.

javi !!: thank u

World’s Greatest Thief: Aww.

World’s Greatest Thief: You trained him!

tax fraud: ill attack u.

javi !!: no

World’s Greatest Thief: Anyway, now that it’s settled down, Max, tell me, why do you hate me?

tax fraud: let me tell u a story.

tax fraud: i was watching a youtuber whose name does not matter to the story.
tax fraud: right before I could get to the satisfying part of the video.
tax fraud: an ad comes up.
tax fraud: and i scream in anger.
tax fraud: it was your ad.
tax fraud: and now ill hate u forever.

World’s Greatest Thief: Wow.

World’s Greatest Thief: You’re petty.

tax fraud: i am going to fight.

javi !!: max

javi !!: do not

tax fraud: fine.

gasoline: ❓ ❔

tax fraud: what?

javi !!: oh i forget nick speaks in emojis sometimes

javi !!: u r here because we made a group chat

gasoline:
Gothic Bitch: what does that mean

javi !!: i am not translationing the emojican language

javi !!: it is sacred to me and nick

gasoline: ‼

Gothic Bitch: my god

javi !!: ❓ ️ ❔

gasoline:
gasoline: hello

Gothic Bitch: it speaks

javi !!: dio

javi !!: be nice please

Gothic Bitch: i will when oberyn stops being noisy next door
Gothic Bitch: like seriously who does he have over that hes making that much noise for
Gothic Bitch: oh he shut up

manslut but prince: sorry was doing things.

manslut but prince: and whoever i have over is none of your business.

I do drugs: it was me
I do drugs: i am things

manslut but prince: dieter, i invited you into my room, and this is how you repay me.

I do drugs: dont forget you invited me to bed

Gothic Bitch: oh gross

Gothic Bitch: thank you i didnt need to know

boomer: You two need to not be public about that.

I do drugs: (Joel emojis)

i sleep with hookers: dieter, please.

i sleep with hookers: tell me you didn’t just sleep with him.

I do drugs: oh but i did

I do drugs: now that the one-nightstand is over
I do drugs: time to leave

manslut but prince: take your sweater-thing on the way out, i'm not bringing it to you if you
don’t.

i sleep with hookers: guess we know you two’s answer to the “would you fuck a clone of
yourself?” question.
manslut but prince: obviously, its a yes from me.
manslut but prince: i am great and i’d trust myself.

i sleep with hookers: whatever.

i sleep with hookers: just next time, make sure dio is out of his room, okay?
i sleep with hookers: moreno is going to be pissed.

manslut but prince: oh please i don’t fear that man.

#1 superhero dad: oberyn.

#1 superhero dad: can I have a word with you later?

manslut but prince left the group

i sleep with hookers: so he does fear dilfs.

Gothic Bitch: thanks marcus

tax fraud: i thought you said he isnt ur dad.

Gothic Bitch: shh

Gothic Bitch: you signed a bestie contract while drunk
Gothic Bitch: i dont want to hear it

tax fraud: i hate it here.

javi !!: lets just change the subject

javi !!: opinions on crocs everyone?

i sleep with hookers: I like to get laid, I’m not wearing crocs.
i sleep with hookers: wouldn’t even fathom buying a pair.
i sleep with hookers: they suck when it comes to running anyway.

javi !!: u concern me

i sleep with hookers: listen.

i sleep with hookers: my information ways are my information ways.
i sleep with hookers: does it matter how it came to be? No.

I do drugs: i have information

i sleep with hookers: no.

I do drugs: pls
I do drugs: ill give you anything you want

i sleep with hookers: no.

I do drugs: (VIEW PHOTO)

i sleep with hookers: did you just send a photo of yourself with the caption “pls”?

I do drugs: yes
 i sleep with hookers left the group

Gothic Bitch: what a bozo

Gothic Bitch: couldnt even bag a dea agent who sleeps with whoever

#1 superhero dad: dio.

#1 superhero dad: what did I say about insulting others?

Gothic Bitch left the group

World’s Greatest Thief: I am actually here to suffer.

World’s Greatest Thief: What is this?

javi !!: chaos

javi !!: welcome to our chaos friendship thief

World’s Greatest Thief: Friendship?

World’s Greatest Thief: This is friendship?

javi !!: somewhat

World’s Greatest Thief: Ah.

World’s Greatest Thief: So this is why I am losing brain cells.

tax fraud: absolutely.

World’s Greatest Thief: Perhaps that’s why you are friends with Javi still.

javi !!: :(

tax fraud: hey, leave him alone.

World’s Greatest Thief: My god.

World’s Greatest Thief: Javi does have you trained.

tax fraud: shut.

tax fraud: me and javi’s friendship is none of your business, loser.

World’s Greatest Thief: You know what

World’s Greatest Thief: I am going back to getting the goods from Dieter.

tax fraud: good.

tax fraud: hope he gives you the bads.

I do drugs: sorry i dont give bads

I do drugs: only goods

Mando: Stop handing out drugs.

I do drugs: no

Mando: I’ll ground you.

 I do drugs: getting rid of all my drugs as we speak
I do drugs: thief can have them all

Mando: My goodness.

javi !!: unrelated but max?

javi !!: would you watch a horror movie with me and hold my hand? im scwared
javi !!:

tax fraud: no.

javi !!: would you do it if I gave you $5?

tax fraud: no.

javi !!: what do I need to give you for you to do it?

tax fraud: a break.

javi !!: i can give you blood

tax fraud: nope.

tax fraud: im good.

tax fraud: thanks though.

javi !!: :(
javi !!: thief would you watch a horror movie with me?

tax fraud: actually i changed my mind. i want to now.

tax fraud: dont watch it with it with thief.

javi !!: :D!!

World’s Greatest Thief: Aww you two are bonding!

tax fraud: shut it.

Chapter End Notes

MAX AND JAVI FRIENDSHIP SUPREMACY

 “u want me to sneak into the thief's room?”
Chapter Notes

Chapter sponsored by Javi and Max’s friendship.

See the end of the chapter for more notes

javi !! & tax fraud ’s private chat

tax fraud: javi.

tax fraud: javi.
tax fraud: javi.
tax fraud: wake up.
tax fraud: pls.

javi !!: hm
javi !!: yes?

tax fraud: i need u to do something for me.

tax fraud: thief stole something of mine, and i need it back.

javi !!: u want me to sneak into the thief's room?

javi !!: is it even safe to do that?

tax fraud: it is.

tax fraud: thief won’t hurt u.
tax fraud: i think.
tax fraud: stealing from the devil never has consequences.
tax fraud: i think.

javi !!:
javi !!: idk
javi !!: what is it?

tax fraud: a file.

tax fraud: dont open it when u get it
tax fraud: it’s private stuff.

javi !!: k!!

_____

javi !! & World’s Greatest Thief ’s private chat

javi !!: thief?

javi !!: u busy?
World’s Greatest Thief: No, not at all. What is it you want, Javi?

javi !!: did u happen to steal a file from max?

javi !!: he wanted me to steal it but i dont want steal
javi !!: even if its for him and u stole it first

World’s Greatest Thief: Yes, I did.

World’s Greatest Thief: You can have it back, I just want one thing from you.

javi !!: sure whatever u want

World’s Greatest Thief: Ligma.

javi !!: ???

javi !!: ligma?
javi !!: whats that?

World’s Greatest Thief: Oh you poor thing.

World’s Greatest Thief: Whatever, ligma nuts.

javi !!: what?

World’s Greatest Thief: It’s a joke, Javi. I was just messing with you.
World’s Greatest Thief: Do you want to know what I really want?

javi !!: yes

World’s Greatest Thief: Your mom.

javi !!: im just going to ask someone else to steal it if u r going to act like this

World’s Greatest Thief: No no no.

World’s Greatest Thief: Please, I’ll tell you what I really want.

javi !!: go ahead

javi !!: im all ears

World’s Greatest Thief: A friend.

World’s Greatest Thief: Be my friend, and I’ll give you the file.

javi !!: dont u make fun of max for being my friend?

javi !!: why do u want me to be ur friend?

World’s Greatest Thief: Because its either you, a murderer, a dilf, a slut, or some guy who has
died probably.

javi !!: alright

javi !!: but if i have movie night and invite u both over do not fight back with max

javi !!: pls

World’s Greatest Thief: Deal.

World’s Greatest Thief: Come by at 4pm, and I’ll give you the file.

javi !!: k!!

_____

javi !! & tax fraud ’s private chat

javi !!: good news: got the file

javi !!: there is no bad news only good news

tax fraud: oh thank god u did.

tax fraud: how about we watch a movie tonight as a way to congratulate u?

javi !!: cant tonight but maybe tomorrow night?

javi !!: i have plans with a new friend

tax fraud: with a friend?

tax fraud: i thought i was ur only friend besides like nicolas.

javi !!: max dont be upset because i got a new friend.

javi !!: u r still number 1 in my book!!

tax fraud: who is it?

tax fraud: i want to know who u r cheating on me with.

javi !!: cheating?

javi !!: were only besties
javi !!: i am confused

tax fraud: not cheating in a romantic sense, javi.

tax fraud: in a platonic and best friend-sense.

javi !!: max im not cheating on u

javi !!: i promise

tax fraud: pinky swear?

javi !!: yes

javi !!: besides u might like him
javi !!: u guys are very similar in a way

tax fraud: hm.

tax fraud: alright.
tax fraud: i trust u.

_____

World’s Greatest Thief & tax fraud ’s private chat

tax fraud: i know its u, bitch.

tax fraud: stop stealing my bestie.
 tax fraud: hes my bestie.
tax fraud: get ur own bestie.

World’s Greatest Thief: Well well well.

World’s Greatest Thief: You found out, huh?

tax fraud: yes.

tax fraud: and i said what i said.
tax fraud: mine, back off.

World’s Greatest Thief: Oh please.

World’s Greatest Thief: It’s not like I’m stealing him from you.
World’s Greatest Thief: He’s still your bestie, just now he’s my friend.

tax fraud: i will fight u.

World’s Greatest Thief: Oh calm down.

World’s Greatest Thief: I won’t do anything to him.
World’s Greatest Thief: Besides, you care about his happiness, do you not?

tax fraud: i do.

tax fraud: which is why i want u to back off.

World’s Greatest Thief: Let me give you an offer, Max. Hear me out, and if you don’t like it, I’ll
back off, and Javi is just your friend, not mine.

tax fraud: sure.

tax fraud: whats the offer, snake?

World’s Greatest Thief: We both are his friends, which benefits me and you, and you get back
this file of yours, which benefits you.
World’s Greatest Thief: Sounds like a good deal?

tax fraud: hm.

tax fraud: i dont know.
tax fraud: i prefer javi to be safe from u and ur weird shenanigans.

World’s Greatest Thief: I promise I won’t touch a hair on his head.

World’s Greatest Thief: I just want him as a friend, I swear.

tax fraud: alright.

tax fraud: but the second hes hurt and its because of u, i will not hesitate.

World’s Greatest Thief: Sounds like a deal.

World’s Greatest Thief: Don’t you agree

tax fraud: sure, whatever.

tax fraud: deal.

Chapter End Notes

 If any of you have any chaotic ideas, I’ll hear it out. Comment them.

Edit #1 (13/03/23) - IM AWARE OF TIM (from the Merge Mansion ads) AND
EDDIE (from Buffy the Vampire Slayer) (both will come next chapter, I promise!)
Edit #2 (14/03/23) - Their tags have been added + the SNL skit characters. I really
need to watch “If Beale Street Could Talk” because I feel bad for not knowing much
about Pietro Alvarez. I did that to Pero, and I feel bad for not including him much.
Later today or tomorrow, I’m forcing myself to watch those movies.

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