become adept at asserting our own limits, and to embolden

ourselves to fearlessly express our needs and desires in our

sexual and romantic encounters so that our sex is as hot and
passionate as it is safe and satisfying for all involved.

Anticipating the Encounter

When intimacy seems imminent, it is wise to discuss some vi-
tal issues beforehand which will not only make the rendezvous
less awkward, but will make it more honest and accountable
to everyone’s needs and desires. Boundaries can be negotiated,
safe words (words that mean “stop”) can be agreed-upon, lim-
its can be set, and past histories of surviving abuse or abusing
others can be disclosed. It’s imperative that those with STIs
(sexually transmitted infections) disclose their positive STI
status to whomever they might be putting at risk of catching
said infection—to do otherwise is to violate the other person’s
informed consent. Which is to say, one’s lovers might not have
consented to sex had they known the inherent risk of the situ-
ation. Aside from the more stressful pre-coital conversations
though, let us also imbue these moments with joy, by sharing
our fantasies, kinks, erogenous areas, and how we most like to
be pleasured with those who share our beds.

Power and Privilege

It’s important to be aware of subtle or not-so-subtle power
dynamics in one’s relationships and trysts, as those under-
mine the ability of both parties to actively, enthusiastically,
and equally consent to physical affection. In one’s relationship,
are there differentials in age, sexual experience, social status,
cultural privilege, or sexual/BDSM role that make practicing
. 128 .