You Know How To Swim

De Ocampo, Lea Cathleen B.

We're not the same. I have always wanted to see you again. How could I? For the past
months, I've been thinking about what I would tell you when I see you. Do I tell you I knew? Do I
tell you it is fine? Do I tell you let us forget about it and start over again? After all, I, too, am a
man. But to hell with being a man, Kid. To hell about forgetting. It is not fine. Everything that has
happened was not okay. I am a man, but I am also a brother.

Where do I start? Ah, let me begin with your letter. How clever of you. Words are your
strength. But do you know what people say? Using our strength to befall the people who know
us makes it our weakness. I know you, Kid. I know every bit of you — from what makes you
annoyed to what makes you smile. I know what your dreams and your nightmares are. I know
your strengths and weaknesses, your hopes and failures, your past and what you look forward
to in the future. I know damn well, Kid. So, I am a little offended that you think you can get
through me with your letter. Seems like you don't know me at all.

I have always adored your way of writing. It is indeed a talent that I would like to succeed. I
rooted for you, even bragged you to my own family. Your words are always a wonder to me.
When I read your works, it would always feel like I can see everything clearly. Like your words
would come to life and form a different world. I can see everything vividly. Just how I can
visualize everything in your letter. And believe me, Kid, the emotions I am feeling when I read it
is the total opposite of what I have felt back then. I cannot believe you would use it to
manipulate me.

When I saw you again, I remembered everything. Memories flash through my mind, like all of
it just happened yesterday. It was all clear. We were brothers. And all those years, I thought I
found my soulmate. We were different, but we got along so well that it is crazy how you can fit
one person into your life and it all seems so easy. Everything is so easy when I'm doing it with
you, Kid. "Kid." That's what we used to call each other, because we are each other's person.

We've been through a lot. I watched you fall into attraction, break a woman's heart after
another, then get attracted again. It felt like a cycle. But never once I saw you fall in love. I was
there all the time. I saw everything. And you, in all fairness, were with me through it all. You
watched me get nervous around women, even with the women I liked. You're a great wingman.
Even though women are your weakness, you never dare to be with the women I am attracted to.
So right then and there I thought, you will NEVER ever risk to betray me. You wouldn't even
dare. Because I thought you value our brotherhood more than all the women combined. I
thought..

You looked down when our eyes met. Were you ashamed? You should be. Five months,
Kid. And those five months, I've been practicing how I would yell at you, how I would point my
finger at your face, how I would curse your soul out. Believe me, I killed you already in my mind
a hundred times. Your dream? I imagined all of it – over and over. But after all that practice, I
can't bring myself to shout at you. You were my person once in my life and I wanted to give you
the benefit of the doubt. And I hate myself for that. How can I still hope to see the good in you
when my sister was crushed with your own hands? It felt like betraying her. I asked where have
you been, hoping that you would have the courage to speak up and tell me the truth. Apologize.
Maybe it will only take one sorry, Kid. Maybe that is all that is needed for me to listen to you. But
I forgot that I know you, and I forgot that you never say sorry, you're never wrong. You always
have the talent of putting the blame into everyone else but you. A piece of trash.

I am acquainted with all the women you've been with, yes. It is not new to me when you ask
for the name of a friend of mine. It is not new to me when they come to me crying because you
broke their hearts. I was always the fixer. But oh God, never in my wildest dream I have
imagined to be the fixer of my sister, stabbed by my own friend. It's too much of acquaintance,
isn't it?

When the news came to me, I was petrified. Anger, betrayal, confusion, and.. sadness?
What was I sad about? Was it the fact that you, of all people, would do that to the family that has
welcomed you with open arms? A lot of questions run through my mind. Am I at fault? Should I
be blamed for what happened? How can you, for the life of God, do that? What was running into
your mind when you walked into that pit of sin? I beated myself up, still do. Maybe.. maybe if I
did not ask my sister that day.. maybe.. maybe this all won't happen.

I knew what you did, but I did not know that was the start of it all.

I once asked my sister if she could talk to you about women. Pepita, at such a young age,
has a good way of words, just like you. I was hoping that if you hear it from a woman, you'll
finally change your ways. I wanted you to find a woman you'll truly love, for you to feel what it's
like walking in the clouds, and not treat them as an object you can play with and throw after
you're entertained. I wanted you to love, Loloy. As your brother, I wanted for you to be truly
happy.

Pepita was quite offended with your answer that day. She told me right after the conversation
that you just laughed at her face. I smiled upon hearing that. I expected that response from you.
True love? You would think of that as a silly thing. Disgusting. I even smiled back then, but little
did I know that's the beginning of something horrible.

I told Pepita not to mind you and just go back to her old ways. Let's be honest, she did not
like you. My sister was not fond of you, not even the slightest bit. She hated how you treat
women. She hated how you would always bragged about them in our house. She hated that you
see them, women, as nothing but a pastime. Pepita hated every bit of it. That's why every time
you come into our house, she will distance herself from you.

And that day was no different from any other day. Except your mind was fixated on an idea
that you let yourself drowned into. You're one hell of a delusional man. Pepita gave you the cold
shoulders just like how she always do. She came inside the house because she did not want to
see you for she was so disgusted with your way with women. And when you followed her inside,
grab her shoulders, and asked her what's wrong, you did not do that out of concern, Loloy. You
did your own little steps into making my sister your own toy!

No, Loloy. My sister was not in love with you nor jealous with your other women. She was
never concerned about what you think of her or how she can make you look at her. Not even
once! My sister is, for pete's sake, a kid! What you saw in her eyes that day was not an eye of
love, but an eye full of anger and disgust. An eye that wanted to spit right into your face and
question you who the hell do you think you are.

No, she did not smile. What you saw was a sign of weakness. A sign of realization. Like
something inside her snapped. What do you know about women, Loloy? Who are you to tell me
that she smiled? What you saw was a sign of relief that finally, it is finished — you're done using
her. She can finally escape the hell she was in. It was not a smile, Loloy. And it breaks my heart
to even think that my sister went through that hell. She suffered so much that it makes her smile
knowing it is done. That's what you put her through.

And I want you to never forget that. I want your sin to eat you up, haunt you every night and
day, and put you through the same suffering as you put my whole family.

I want to curse the hell out of you. After what you did, you can still think of your little ways
how to put fingers on us. Even your own victim. You have the guts to twist every piece of the
story just to make me forgive you? I hoped to see the good in you, Loloy. Despite everything
that you did, I wanted to. I gave you the chance. I waited. I waited for five months. I waited for
you to be man enough to face your own sins and its judgment. But here you are, hiding in your
words. Again. Same old Loloy.

After reading your letter, I am done hoping that you'll be brave enough to admit everything
and apologize. I tried so hard to understand and process what happened. It's been five months
and I'm still raging. I searched every corner of my mind to try and give you a chance. Even if it's
betraying my own sister. Because you, too, were my brother. But your letter was a salt added to
the wound. How I wish you just apologized that day. How I wish you did not send me the letter.
How I wish I was not reminded by how evil you can be. How I wish I didn't ask my sister to talk
to you. How I wish I hadn't met you, Loloy.

I will forever regret meeting you.

Kid.