Goals: Learn how to set boundaries with my parents. Learn how to stop being so conflict averse.

● “It’s possible to overcome conflict avoidance and learn to handle confrontations in a

healthy, constructive way.” (PyschCentral, 2022)

Possibility
● Deny there’s an issue (No, I know there is one)
● Fear or avoid expressing yourself (Yes, I do this)
● Bottle up feelings - and later explode or become passive-aggressive (I only get passive-
aggressive if I’m really mad, otherwise I just implode)
● Make jokes during confrontations (WHAT I do this I don’t think that’s real)
● Change the subject when conflict comes up (Yeah)
● Strive to be seen as the nice one (Not funny anymore.)
● Avoid disagreeing with others, even when you inwardly disagree (:|)
● Type of people-pleasing behavior that typically arises from a deep rooted fear of
upsetting others (Healthline, 2020)

Method
● Consider value of conflict - instead of inevitably hurtful, it can be productive
○ This stresses me out and my conflict will be inevitably harmful even if it has to
happen
○ Conflict will, at the very least, be valuable because it will be over. And I’ll learn
things from it
● Make a plan before confronting someone - rehearse concise points, clearly define what to
resolve, write down canned & factual response to use when needed (Healthline, 2020)
○ This actually seems helpful and useful
● Launch with a positive sentiment. State how you feel. Talk about the issue.
○ Well there is nothing positive to say! But I might do this even though I hate it.
● Find a way to politely end it if it seems like it’s going nowhere
○ By keeping a clear head, I can recognize when conflicts end up talking in circles
● Use I statements
● Be clear about boundaries so people know what they are
○ Pay attention to feelings to help identify boundaries
● Try to stay composed
● Speak objectively
● Steps to defining boundaries (Science of People, accessed 2022)
○ Visualize and name limits
■ Ask yourself: What is causing me unnecessary stress or discomfort?
■ What do I look forward to each day versus what do I dread?
■ Who or what gives me energy?
■ What areas of my life do I feel exhausted by?
 ■ What makes me feel safe, supported, and valued?
○ Draw it out
■ Inside a circle, write things that make me feel safe and stress-free. On the
outside, write anything that causes me discomfort, pain, annoyance, or
emotional exhaustion. THESE ARE MY BOUNDARIES!!!!
○ Openly communicate boundaries
○ Reiterate and uphold
○ Don’t be afraid to say no
■ Doesn’t require an apology or explanation!!!!!!
○ Take time for yourself

Practice
● Practice saying no in smaller situations
○ Politely but firmly
○ Communication skills????
● Think through anxieties realistically
○ Create a plan for how to address anxieties that come to fruition
● Practice deep breathing and anxiety-calming techniques before & during & after
● Take a mint during???
● Pick a time I feel: most confident, most relaxed, the individual is in a relaxed state, the
individual is open and ready to talk
● Deal with small incidents, build up the muscle of stating boundaries
● Ask:
○ Am I mentally/emotionally ready to deal with this right now? If so, how can I
start? If not, when will be an acceptable time (pick a random, near-future date on
a calendar and just do it then?)
○ When the emotions/conflict come up, slow down and assess the situation. Where
are the uncomfortable feelings originating? Who triggered them? What’s your
relationship with that person/how do they make you feel?
○ Try journaling.
○ Be honest with yourself and show yourself compassion. (Reddit, 2020)
● “Avoiding conflict doesn’t avoid feeling bad but just delays it. Being honest and direct
might be awkward, but it’s only for a moment.” (Reddit, 2020)
● If afraid to say no, say “I’ll get back to you” to think things through

Lines to Draw
● Time
○ “I can only stay for X long”
● Emotional energy
○ “I don’t have the energy for X right now, but maybe X can help”
 ○ “I understand you’re having a hard time and I want to be there for you, but I don’t
have the capacity to listen right now”
● Personal space
○ “It makes me uncomfortable when you X. If you can’t respect my space, I’ll have
to leave.”
○ “I don’t feel comfortable with you posting that”
● Sexuality
● Morals and ethics
○ “That’s not something I’m willing to discuss right now”
○ “I don’t find those kinds of comments funny”
○ “I understand we see things differently and I respect your opinion, but please
don’t force it on me”
● Material possessions and finances
○ “Please ask me before borrowing X”
○ “I would appreciate it if you didn’t touch X”
● Don’t pressure me to do something.
● Don’t lie to me.
● We will not discuss X. If you feel compelled to comment on X, I will gently remind you
once or twice but after that I will exit the conversation and probably leave. (Reddit, 2021)
● I don’t talk to people who yell at me.
● When I say no, I do not have to explain.
● I do not have to have someone over.
● I chose what to do with my body.
● My life is mine.