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Having a baby can rock a marriage – and life post-children can be a challenge

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(Image credit: Getty Images)

 By Amanda Ruggeri 28th June 2023

The arrival of a child can be joyous – but it can also cause conflict in even the
most rock-solid relationships.

Article continues below

olly knew her life would change when she became a parent. And when her first

H
ultrasound showed she was pregnant with two babies, she knew it would
change even more. What she wasn't prepared for was just how much it would
impact her relationship with her partner of five years. Soon after the birth, they
began having "explosive" arguments. They talked about breaking up.
One major trigger, says Canada-based Holly, was their division of labour. Her partner did
most of the household chores: cleaning, laundry, cooking. But she needed more help with
the parenting itself. “I had an emergency C-section. My body was falling apart. I was feeding
two babies 24/7, not sleeping. And if one of them was crying, he would be like, 'Oh, they just
want you'", rather than stepping in, she says. "I had so much rage towards him."

More parents share Holly's experience than we often realise.

Research has shown the vast majority of relationships change after having a baby. A 2021
study from the University of Born showed that, on average, relationship satisfaction
fluctuates over time – and declines during the first 10 years of being together – whether
couples are parents or not.

But throughout that trajectory, satisfaction is lower for parents than for non-parents.
Meanwhile, the more children a couple has, the less likely they are to feel satisfied with
their relationship. Mothers of infants particularly are the least happy: 38% of married mums
have high satisfaction, compared to 62% of married women without children.

It shouldn’t be surprising that parenthood presents challenges to a partnership. For the vast
majority of couples, what psychologists call “protective” relationship factors – such as
communication, intimacy and time together – take a hit when a baby is born. Throw in
stressors including sleep deprivation and financial anxiety, and it often can seem impossible
for a couple to avoid more conflict or tension after having a child. 

Yet this marital disruption still comes as a shock to many new parents, in large part because
it’s rarely talked about.

According to both experts and couples, prenatal courses rarely address the topic; social
media is an idealized highlight reel of smiling parents with babies; and even friends and
family can be wary of opening up, sometimes fearing it will make their loved ones turn
against their partner.

The result, say experts, is parents who feel isolated and ashamed about their difficulties, and
are less likely to seek help – which can make relationship challenges even worse.
The arrival of a child can expose underlying problems in a relationship, and make them more
difficult to pass over than before (Credit: Getty Images)

'Cracks in the relationship'

Becoming a parent isn't the only cause of new conflicts, says Stacey Sherrell, a family
therapist in California. But pre-baby, couples generally have more time to focus on issues
like poor communication. That's more difficult when a child is added to the mix. 

"Now, we have to slow down and come together, and all [those problems] are just sitting
here waiting for us," says Sherrell, who says she finds herself frequently working with
couples who struggle after having children. "Your sex life isn't good? It's probably not going
to get better with a kid."

Meanwhile, she says, a behaviour that might just have been "a little annoying" before kids
might turn into a full-fledged issue. If one partner loves playing video games, for example,
that might not be a problem before children; the other partner might take it as time to relax
on their own. But after kids, one person playing video games might mean the other one
feels stuck parenting solo.

Conflicts don't only arise in relationships that are already troubled – they can also hit
couples who consider themselves rock-solid. "Say you have the best relationship in the
entire world,” says Sherrell. "There still needs to be an understanding and conversations
around these things that get exacerbated in parenthood."

One parent who wishes she and her husband had discussed these issues earlier is Jancee
Dunn, a New York-based journalist, and author of How Not to Hate Your Husband After
Having Kids. When she fell pregnant, she and her husband had been married for 10 years.

Say you have the best relationship in the entire world. There
still needs to be an understanding and conversations around
 these things that get exacerbated in parenthood – Stacey
Sherrell
"We assumed that we had worked out all of – or at least the majority of – the kinks in our
relationship, and that we had a nice, solid foundation with which to build a family," she says.

They figured their new roles would fall into place seamlessly; her husband already
shouldered half the housework, so she assumed the labour of parenting would be equally
split, too. Rather than discuss potential issues that might arise, they spent their time talking
about what colour they'd paint the nursery, what they'd name the baby and their registry. 

Dunn says after she gave birth, "it was just this tsunami of unrealistic expectations and
fatigue and resentment towards each other". She quickly found herself in the role of
"default" parent, which made her bristle. At the same time, the more her husband deferred
to her on parenting, the more adept she became at it – and the more she micromanaged him
when he tried to take over, a common behaviour called maternal gatekeeping.

"I was 50% of the problem," says Dunn, adding that she developed a temper that "still
causes me a lot of shame". She would yell at her husband; he would retreat into his phone,
"traumatised", which made her angrier. Frustrated and finding that attempts at
communication only seemed to lead to fighting, she considered separation.

London-based Andy says he and his wife also developed "feelings of resentment" towards
each other after the births of their two children, despite having had a "very solid foundation"
for their marriage.

Their first son is "highly sensitive", and for the first two months, wouldn't sleep at all unless
he was held. With their second child, the scale of time and effort required to parent and
maintain the household only compounded. Amid this lack of bandwidth, Andy says he also
felt a great deal of pressure to be a present caregiver.

"The responsibilities were so many, and the demand was so high, that I just found it totally
overwhelming. I found it really made me burnt out until the point where I just cried most
days, at the end of the day, with the stress and the pressure." This, he says, led to conflict
with his wife – not fights, he says, but an underlying resentment made the atmosphere
tense.
Some parents can feel like they're stuck parenting solo, which can cause tension (Credit: Getty
Images)

'It never ends well for us' 

The myriad stresses of caregiving, including the way in which it often reinforces traditional
gender roles, aren't the only challenges for couples who have a child. The birth of a baby
also often brings on an identity shift for each parent individually as well as together, which
can pose significant challenges.

"You have no idea how your identity will shift until you have that kid," says Sherrell. "So, all
of a sudden, I care about things that I didn’t before. And my partner's, like, 'Who have you
become? Why do you care all the sudden that I’m playing video games?' You become a new
person – and your partner has to accept a new partner."

The phenomenon is well-studied among mothers, in particular, in whom it is called

matrescence. And these changes, which can range from hormonal shifts that affect
behaviour to body image, often start in pregnancy. For the non-birthing parent, seeing their
partner change even before the baby comes can be confusing and disorienting.

Mental-health issues, which also are common in the prenatal and postnatal period, can
introduce further challenges. Postnatal depression, for example, affects around one in four
mothers and one in ten fathers.

When Matt, in Michigan, became a father, the postpartum period was more difficult than he
ever had imagined. His wife had a traumatic birth; then his son had allergies and feeding
issues. And neither he nor his wife had much nearby support.

"The lack of family when you’re experiencing a very difficult first six months was really, really
hard. And my wife had some severe anxiety… probably exacerbated by the health issues
that my son had," he says. He put pressure on himself to provide as much calm and stability
as possible. But he was stressed, too.
 It was just this tsunami of unrealistic expectations and fatigue
and resentment towards each other – Jancee Dunn
"I would be very calm when it came to my son," he says, but when their child was in bed, his
anxiety surfaced, sometimes causing him to be "impatient" with his wife. She'd think he was
being short and get defensive; he'd argue that he wasn't, and "the whole evening would
devolve", he says. They'd never fought so much in their six-year relationship. 

A couple years since the birth, they have found better ways to communicate and
strengthened their relationship.

Yet he says the changes he says he's observed in his wife still affect their level of physical
intimacy. It isn't just sex that is rare now – it's also other types of affection, like cuddling or
hugging. "It's maybe a self-esteem thing, where identity gets bound up in being a mom …
She'll say, 'I just feel like his mom now, as opposed to more of a confident individual'," he
says. "And then, for me, it feels like kind of a rejection."

In Virginia, US, Erin always considered herself a busy, independent person with multiple
hobbies and interests. One of the most important to her was fitness – she even worked with
a personal trainer while pregnant. But after her son was born, that time and freedom to care
for herself vanished. 

Five weeks after giving birth, she was diagnosed with postpartum depression. "I just was not
loving any of it. I was missing a lot of my old life, and realising what I've lost," she says.

But she says the same didn't hold true for her partner. "My husband doesn't mind all he's
given up nearly as much. He has become one of those parents that can't imagine being away
from our son." She'd like to take occasional trips as a couple, for example, while her husband
doesn't want to leave their child with relatives.

A lack of communication is a major reason new parents fight, say experts, and some choose to
attend therapy to open these conversations (Credit: Getty Images)
Both their differing approaches to parenthood, and their lack of time alone together, have
left her feeling less connected to her partner – and often more frustrated with him. Adding
to the tension is that their son, now aged three, prefers her husband – an imbalance that has
brewed further feelings of bitterness.

It's led to "verbal jabs" and frustrating conversations that rarely resolve anything. "It never
ends well for us,” she says.

Satisfaction stigma

Despite how common it is for couples to feel less satisfied or experience more challenges
after having a child, many parents don't open up about these issues – let alone seek help.

Dunn was hesitant when talking to friends about her marital issues. "I just felt too
embarrassed. And I felt like everybody else was handling it better than I was," she says.

Once she started writing and researching her book, however, she realised that wasn't the
case: some 95% of the couples she spoke to said they'd struggled after having a baby, but
felt like they were the only ones, which added "shame on top of everything else that young
parents are going through", says Dunn.

At a mums' group, twin-mother Holly did decide to share her struggles – but she instantly
regretted it. "I said that I would get so frustrated with my partner, I felt like I needed to
punch a hole in the wall to get this pent-up anger out of my body," she says. "And nobody
said anything. I freaked out. I was like, 'Oh my God, is there something wrong with me?' It
made me spiral even more."

Janina Buehler, a practising psychologist and researcher at the University of Bern in

Switzerland, believes this stigma makes relationship challenges even harder to surmount.
"The idea that relationships should just be very satisfied all the time, and we should have
sex all the time, and just be happy all the time – that's just not true," she says.

Bottling up feelings can make parents feel more isolated and keep them from seeking
professional support or communicating to their partner. And on a societal level, the silence
around how common this is adds to the belief that these conflicts are rare – which just adds
to the stigma, says Buehler.

I said that I would get so frustrated with my partner, I felt like I

needed to punch a hole in the wall to get this pent-up anger
out of my body – Christine
However, there is some solidarity to be found – particularly online. While the highlight reel
of happy families on social media can make some struggling parents feel isolated, others
find support in digital communities where others candidly share their difficult experiences.

Only when she saw those types of posts online, says Holly, did she feel less alienated. "I
realised … this is more common than I think – it's just that people don't talk about it." Once
she understood she wasn't alone, she moved away from blaming herself for her rage, and
instead figuring out why it was she felt this way. She also felt more comfortable opening
conversations with her partner.

Urgent action
Some couples can't recover from these conflicts, and find themselves splitting up ­– even
when they've put in a lot of effort to salvage their relationships. Yet not all couples who
have seen their marriages affected after having children are primed for permanent conflict
or divorce. 

A big part of improving partnerships, say experts, may be nurturing those "protective"
factors that breed positive relations among couples. According to the large review on
relationship satisfaction over time, which Buehler co-authored, these include clear, open
communication; feeling understood and validated; spending time together at least once per
week; and having realistic expectations – in particular, not believing that one's partner must
be ideal in every way.

After finding themselves arguing often after having a third baby, Holly and her partner
chose couples therapy, which research has shown can lessen relationship distress. Initally,
she says, her husband resisted, seeing seeking help as a sign that their relationship had
failed.

Finally, Holly sat him down. "I have these three needy kids that need me 24/7 – I don't need
to also be fighting with my spouse," she says she told him. "I said, if you don't want to do
counselling, I don't know if we can stay together, because I cannot keep doing this."

Plenty of couples who feel strain on their relationships after a baby mend their differences
(Credit: Getty Images)

It helped "a lot". Holly realised just how much her perspective on their relationship needed
to change.

"I told [our therapist], honestly, I see him as another person that needs something from me,"
says Holly. The therapist encouraged her to see him as her partner, instead. "That mindset
shift for me has been a huge thing. We still have our little tiffs, but I feel like they’re way less
explosive than they used to be. And I feel like when we do get angry with each other, we
actually discuss it now."
 For Andy and his parner, their relationship only improved when they learned to
communicate better, he says. In particular, "whenever we feel like one of us has gone down a
road that they don't enjoy, we have to talk about it", he says.

Today, while the dynamic of their relationship has changed – and is still evolving – they're in
a good place, thanks in no small part to learning to discuss the most challenging freely and
openly.

The ease with which couples can prioritse their relationships varies, however. Some may
have time and means to access therapy or childcare help to spend alone time together,
while others may not have the ability to do so regularly. Whatever way couples in conflict
can nurture their relationships, though, Buehler says it's important to act as soon as
possible.

Fourteen years after giving birth, Dunn and her partner found their way through their
struggles, and are still together. She says this is due in large part to a therapist who told her
"conflicts arise in the lack of clarity".  

A lightbulb went off, and they were able to break through, re-calibrating their expectations
of each other and addressing resentment. "We just realised that there was a lot to salvage
and that it wasn't that we didn't love each other anymore," she says. 

Holly, Erin, Matt and Andy’s names have been changed to protect their family privacy

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