Claudia Isabel Barquín

April 27, 2023

Prof. Laurimar Flores

British Lit Hon (D)

Shooting an Elephant

An event that left an impact on me and changed my way of thinking happen back in

August of 2022. This event starts with me becoming depressed after an event with an old friend

of mine from my old school. To not give as much details but for the you to understand, he did

some things I did not consent too, and it impacted me because he knew that had happen to me

before and the pain it caused but he still did it after all. Like I said previously, this wasn’t the

first time this had happen, not with him but with other people which I was involved with when I

was younger. I remember coming home from that night and taking a very long hot shower, I was

scrubbing with my loofah every part of me and did that for at least an hour, I wasn’t crying nor

felt sad, I just felt disgust, unclean and most of all unsafe. After that night, I acted happy and still

talked with most of my friends and people who I partied with at the time.

It soon hit me what had happen and my body started internalizing the event not just

mentally but physically. That following weekend, I couldn’t go out, I acted alright in front of my

parents, my friends, and my teachers just to not cause trouble or suspicion, but I felt horrible. My

body didn’t want to move from my bed and almost stayed glued to it, only going to the bathroom

twice and not eating anything, thinking, and replaying the event repeatedly. This in turn, led me

to a big depressive episode, where I distanced myself from most of my friend group, I stopped
going out with the people I partied with and just talked to my parents, not even my best friend,

who when he asked if I was ok, I would just respond with a simple “I’m fine”. Some friends of

mine showed their true colors, spreading rumors about me that weren’t true, telling secrets to

people who hated me, becoming friends with people who used to bully me for years and many

more. The thing that stayed with me thru those months was the fact that my two best friends

from my old school had gotten close to the guy who did these things to me (both knowing the

events), one of them got with him and started dating him and the other dated a person who I used

to date who cheated on me multiple times.

All these events made me feel worthless again, something I thought I had overcome but

with a person struggling with borderline personality disorder, it’s hard to have a permeant happy

state of mind, especially during events like these. By far, it isn’t the worst thing that has happen

to me, but it still left me hurt after and vulnerable and this was almost like the final straw in a

long sequence of recovery. I compared myself to other people saying in my mind that other

people have it worse than me, but I had to grasp that if I wanted to at least start to recover again I

was going to accept that what had happen, happen and that it sucks what was happening to me

and I needed to allow myself to be sad. It took a long time to figure that one out, but once I had

learned it, the process was much easier.

During this process, a lot of people left and chose to end their friendship with me. At

first, it didn’t hurt, I always had had people leave me because of my personality and I’ve come to

accept. But it later felt that I had done something wrong, something to make them leave and I

started putting all this blame onto myself. One of my best friends left and still doesn’t talk to me
to this day, saying that I was just too traumatized to go out and that some of the things I did

weren’t correct but behind my back he would do those exact same things apart from other things.

This was the hardest event in all these situations, not the main thing but this. A person who I

thought I was going to have by my side to the day I died left me, saying those things when I

needed them the most. That feeling of being alone when you’re at your lowest breaks people and

it almost broke me.

Finally, I made up with most of my friends explaining the situation that had happen and

some understanding. It was a long process and took like I said time, this was the event that

caused some change in me. It made me mature and understand the world a little better. Although

what happen to me is unfortunate and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone, it made me learn and

become the person I am today.

Dear Claudia:

Thank you for honoring this writing exercise by sharing your experience and its rawness. I

really hope you know that it wasn’t your fault and that you are valuable. I wish you,

always, happiness, safety, and tranquility.

Persist, always.