Change Over Time:

One Couple's Journey from Pain and

Avoidance to Finding Love and Hope Again
Episode 1 Stuck in Vagueness and Passivity
How Vagueness and Passivity Undermine Intimate Connection

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 Why is it so hard to get and
maintain a clear sense of
direction with a highly
Conflict Avoidant Couple?

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 It takes emotional risk and
self-accountability to set clear
targets for change
Changing the dynamic takes more risk than
they would naturally tolerate.

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 Vagueness and passivity are prevalent.
These work against connection
“I don’t know. I don’t care.”

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 Goals are often behavioral
without a clear sense of
what to do to achieve them
A clear direction is missing.

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 What do you want?
Why do you want it?
What is your individual role
to help bring it about?
Motivation is missing.

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 Conflict Avoidant couples can
be boring or frustrating for you,
their therapist.
The work requires patience and repetition.
Progress in one session often disappears in the
next session.

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 Is Therapist Bored
or Frustrated?
Be willing to be tough on tackling intolerance of any tension, or the belief
that a partner has “no right to feel that way,” or is just plain wrong.

It is classic in terms of conflict This is a very common pattern in

avoidant patterns of interaction
that one person has very little
tolerance for any type of raised
voice or energy, or even a calm but
strongly differentiated statement,
coming from the other person –
their partner or you!
couples and because there is such
a high level of sensitivity to tension
you are not able to go deeply
enough into issues to solve them.
Part of what changing the process
of talking to each other means is
being able to tolerate the tension
that comes from exploring
something more deeply than you
let yourselves do at this point in
time.

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 Is Therapist Bored
or Frustrated?

Often people express Or, if you are really willing to have a

disappointment or hopelessness, more intimate knowledge of each
and it’s a great opportunity to say, other, it’s going to mean that you
“Yes if we decide that we are willing hear things you don’t want to hear.
to get to know our partners on a And when this happens is exactly
deeper, more intimate level, that when you need to be able to take a
means there are going to be plenty deep breath, calm yourself, become
of times when we hear things we curious, and not take it personally.
don’t want to hear – and that’s a
choice. You can keep a relationship
very superficial, where you don’t let
yourself know much about the
person you’re married to.

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 Is Therapist
Bored or Frustrated?

After you have a good session, they can seal over so quickly.
Are you able to be patient and repetitive?
In conflict avoidant patterns, one person has very little
tolerance for raised voices or energy or even a calm but strongly
differentiated statement, coming from the other person –
their partner or you!

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 Intensity Avoiding Couples

Friendly Pleasant, likeable Dependable

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 Episode 1 Takeaways for Noelle’s Work
Liza and Jess

Enmeshed partners do not self-define.

They react off each other and don’t think for
themselves.

Therapist must continually stop their attempts to

shift to the other partner when they feel anxious
and don’t know answers.

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 Build the awareness that change will take
risk - “It is going to take you reinforcing
yourself” and start building in internal
support for risk-taking

“Good job Jess.”

“I can feel good about me as I take a step forward.”

“You can compliment yourself for steps that you take.”

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 Concretize Positive Changes
What do you want to stop doing and what do you want to start doing?
I can smile.

Get independent behaviors from each partner that

are steps out from behind their usual self-protection.

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 Ask for permission to push
them.

When possible, do experiential

re-enactments in the room.
Do it now so that the change is
experienced by each partner.

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