7 Warning Signs of a Marriage in Trouble

by Don Ross, MFT

1. DEADLY SILENCE. This is the #1 cause of divorce in the U.S.—yet often seems harmless at
first. You simply stop bringing up “controversial” topics. Your goal, unconsciously, has
become to avoid conflict at all costs. The problem with this strategy is that drains the life
out of a marriage—often leading to a couple becoming more like housemates than
marriage partners. When was the last time you made love?

2. UPROAR. The opposite of #1: every conversation seems to turn into a fight. Both partners
are stuck in a mindset where they see every action, statement, facial expression, and
tone of voice from their mate as an attack. Some couples, surprisingly, seem to enjoy the
emotional roller-coaster and continue to be intimate (think ‘make-up sex’).

3. INTERLOPER. It is becoming common for a spouse to become close—at first innocently—

with a colleague at work or an old flame who has found them on the internet. Over time,
the spouse begins to communicate more intimately with the “friend” than with their
mate. This progression can be subtle, and is often unnoticed by both partners until it is
too late. Internet porn, drugs/alcohol or even work can also be interlopers.

4. CRITICISM. This and the next three signs are called “The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse”
by marriage expert John Gottman, Ph.D. If all four signs become frequent or habitual,
divorce is likely. Criticism means directing verbal barbs at the partner’s character (e.g,
“you’re such a slob”), rather than at the unwanted behavior. Saying, “I wish you would
pick up your clothes,” by contrast, doesn’t hurt the partner’s self-esteem.

5. DEFENSIVENESS. This is a natural reaction to criticism, and is not a big problem—unless it

becomes pervasive. Ideally you associate your mate with positive feelings, like warmth
and trust. If you expect criticism instead, you will be constantly on guard, ready to defend
yourself. Needless to say, this posture is not one that supports intimacy!

6. CONTEMPT. Sheer poison to anyone, contempt is often conveyed non-verbally—with an

eye-roll, a curled lip, or a voice tone of disgust. It may emerge after repeated attempts at
problem-solving have failed. The effect on a partner is that they no longer feel supported
or valued by their mate. Never a good sign (except to a divorce attorney).

7. STONEWALLING. Probably the most toxic of all the signs, stonewalling is where one
partner simply “tunes out” their mate, in a misguided attempt to show that the mate has
no effect on them at all. This strategy often appears after continued conflict without
resolution. The partner being tuned out will feel crazy to the point of rage, and the
stonewaller will feel deeply unhappy, helpless, and hopeless (under the calm façade).

WHAT TO DO. John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, is a
good place to start. Or email me at love-and-work@comcast.net to receive a complimentary
standardized self-test to assess the health of your marriage. If you would like to make an
appointment, or for more information on my services, I may be reached at 707/525-0675.

532 South Ave  Santa Rosa, CA 95407  partners4wellbeing.com  707-525-0675