Types of Attachment Styles

In the 1940s two psychologists, John Bowlby and Mary

Ainsworth founded the Attachment theory. This theory was
based on their observation of attachment styles in babies that
were carried on into adulthood.
The researchers found that babies who were secure in the
presence of their primary caregiver were more easily able to
explore their surroundings. On the other hand, babies who
believed they had no one to back them, were fearful. Based on this
behavior they were grouped into one of the following attachment
styles:

Anxious

Avoidant

Secure
 Anxious I'm worried

If you are anxious, you love to be close to

your romantic partner and have the capacity
for great intimacy. You also experience
negative emotions easily within the
relationship. As a result, you tend to act out
and say things that you later regret. If your
partner provides the reassurance you are
able to shed your preoccupation and feel
contended
Avoidant
I need space
If you are avoidant, it is very important for you to
maintain your independence. You tend to keep
your partner at arm's length and they complain
about you being emotionally distant. You curb
your need for intimacy and then craved it leading
to a catch-22 situation.
I'm listening

Secure
You enjoy being intimate without being
overly worried about your relationships. . You
effectively communicate your needs and
feelings to your partner. You are strong at
reading your partner’s emotional cues and
responding to them.
 Attachment Style
Cheat sheet
Understanding attachment styles is an easy and reliable way to
predict people’s behavior in any romantic situation.

The following attachment style sheet has some signs that you
can look out for in your partner to understand his/her
attachment style. The same signs can help you understand
your own attachment style.
Attachment Style Cheat Sheet
 CASE STUDY

The Story of Marsha & David

Marsha, an interior designer, met David, a charismatic architect,
at the inauguration of a Home Decor Store. She was introduced
to him by a colleague, Phillip, to find ways to work together.
Marsha was looking forward to meeting David but what she
didn’t know was that she would be instantly so attracted to him.
She remembered that Phillip had mentioned about David’s
engagement breaking off. She wondered if David would be
interested in dating again. She mustered up the courage to
express her interest in him. Luckily for her, he reciprocated well.
By the end of the event, he asked her out. Marsha tried to
conceal her excitement and accepted.

On their first date, Marsha asked David

about his ex and about his future
marriage plans. David started feeling
uncomfortable with the intimate
questions but said nothing. He went
home and thought about how weird
she was. He also thought about his ex
and how he probably could have made
it work with her. Afterall, she was perfect
for him (even though she had decided
to end the relationship).
After the date, Marsha didn’t hear from David for two days. She
started mentally kicking herself for coming on too strong. She
blamed herself for ruining a perfectly good opportunity for a
relationship. Suddenly, one day, her phone rang. It was David!
Marsha could barely contain herself. She responded
enthusiastically. He asked her if she would like to go out again
and she agreed.

That night they went out for dinner.

David was quite due to a bad day at
work. Marsha started wondering if it was
something she did. After they went
home she called him a few times. Since
he was asleep he missed her calls.
Marsha imagined that he was going to
call off the relationship and couldn’t
sleep all night. David had no such
intention but on seeing her missed calls
in the morning, he started perceiving
her as clingy. He thought it was best to
call off any personal or professional
relationship with her.
 Attachment Style Analysis

David's attachment style is

Avoidant
When Marsha asks him personal questions his intimacy alarm
goes off. The sudden thought of being in a relationship with
someone scares him. He starts focussing on her faults and
remembering his ex which are just ways to maintain a safe
distance from her. His distancing had nothing to do with Marsha
though. He would have done this with anyone in order to
preserve his autonomy.

Marsha's attachment style is

Anxious
She is preoccupied with the relationship. She reads into David’s
behaviors way too much and constantly needs reassurance that
things are going fine. When David returned to her after a gap,
she didn’t mention that she was anxious about where they
stand. She just decided to take whatever little attention he threw
her way.
 What if they were secure?
If Marsha was secure
She would have been okay asking questions about his ex or
about his marriage plans. If David was uncomfortable he could
say so. If David didn’t call her, she would decide to move on from
such a relationship since it didn’t meet her needs. This typically
happens because secure people know that they are worthy and
don’t yearn for the approval of others to feel good. When David
finally called her, she would have effectively communicated how
the days of no-contact made her feel.
She wouldn’t read too much into David being quiet over dinner.
She would have just asked him instead of buzzing his phone at
night and staying up herself.

If David was secure

He would be okay with personal questions and would have
communicated in case he wasn’t. He would not disappear from
the scene, focus on things that are wrong with Marsha and look
at his ex with rose-colored glasses. He would remember that his
ex broke up with him which is enough reason to not put her on a
pedestal especially while trying to date someone new.
If he had a bad day at work he would have let Marsha know
about it since secure people are good at reading the ques of
other people and responding to their needs.
STEPS TO BUILDING A SECURE RELATIONSHIP

Identify your
attachment style

Identify your partner's

attachment style based on
his/her behavior

Adapt to your partner's

attachment style based on the
suggestions provided in the
course

If things don't work out and you

decide to leave, employ the
methods prescribed in the course
to find the best way forward
 What to learn more?
Join my online course!
What to expect from the course
How to determine your attachment style and that of your
partner's
Strong signals that unhealthy relationships give out early in
the relationship
How to have a happy romantic relationship that can bring
you stability and satisfaction in the long run
The emotional price of connecting with someone who has
drastically different intimacy needs from your own.
Specific problems of the anxious-avoidant relationship and
the cost of remaining in such a relationship
If you are already in such a relationship and want to make it
work what steps can you take
Should you decide to leave what are the pitfalls you will
encounter and how to survive the breakup

Buy the course now!

 About the Author
Roma Sharma is a Certified Coach
and Trainer who has been working in
the field of emotional well-being since
2014.
She is the author of 3 successful
books and 3 online courses.
She has a keen interest in
understanding human behavior and
connecting with people at a deeper
level. Roma Sharma
She works toward helping her clients Author Coach Trainer
achieve their biggest goals and live
their best life possible.

Credentials
B.E (CSE)
Diploma in Counselling Skills, person-centred therapy
International Certification in Transactional Analysis 101
Foundation course in Transactional Analysis
Master practitioner of NLP (ABNLP), NLP Trainer
Advanced Diploma in Hypnosis (Business-NLP, UK)