How to disagree without making someone

defensive
There are ways to have a productive conversation with someone you
disagree with

Asking someone why they are getting so defensive during a disagreement rarely helps
the situation. In fact, it often makes things worse. It’s natural to want to defend
yourself if you feel your beliefs are being threatened. However, it’s possible to have a
conversation in which you don’t agree and not cause the other person to become
defensive, according to Shelby Scarbrough, former international and U.S. Department
of State Protocol Officer and author of Civility Rules! Creating a Purposeful Practice
of Civility.

“Something we can’t control is somebody else’s reaction or behavior,” she says.

“Therefore, what we bring to the table is the most important thing. If everybody came
to the table with that concept wanting to be civil and have a civil conversation, the
world would be a lovely place.”

While Scarbrough admits not everybody enters a conversation wanting to be civil,

there are things we can proactively do to help avoid a defensive reaction.

WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE

First, avoid using accusatory terminology, such as “you should,” or shaming or

blaming the other person.

“It’s a sure-fire way for them to come back with a response that’s defensive or angry
if they are sensitive at all about their position on something,” says Scarbrough.
“Somebody who’s extremely comfortable and confident in their own position often is
not defensive because they don’t need to be. They can have a conversation about any
topic and not worry about it’s not a personal slight.”

FOCUS ON YOUR EXPERIENCE

Next, avoid telling someone what to do and giving advice.

“If we want to engage with somebody in a deeper, meaningful level, it’s not about us
getting out our views,” she says. “That’s where we kind of go wrong in society these
days. We’re so hell bent on getting our own opinion out there and putting it out there
as truth or fact rather than realizing that it is a perspective and that there are other
perspectives.”

Instead, share your experience. There is a distinction between your opinion and your
experience, says Scarbrough. “Your opinion is your beliefs,” she says. “In theory, it’s
based on your experience, but when you simply share your opinion, you don’t show
your experience behind it.”

Sharing your experience illustrates how you’ve come to your view. Start your
sentence with, “This has been my experience.” Be willing to be vulnerable and open
to push back, says Scarbrough.

“The person might say, ‘Yeah, but’ and that’s okay,” she says. “That doesn’t mean
you have to get defensive, too. You can say, ‘I can see this is this is hitting a nerve
and that’s not my purpose. That’s not what I’m trying to do. I would I’d really like to
have a conversation about this. And if it’s uncomfortable for you, we don’t have to
talk about it.’ That can help calm the situation, so the other person feels safe.”
CHECK YOUR MOTIVE

Ask yourself, do you want to have a conversation about something or do you just
want an opportunity to push your position. If it’s the latter, it’s usually a good way to
cause someone to get defensive, which creates a dead-end conversation.

If you want to have a conversation, enter it with open-ended curiosity. Scarbrough

suggests saying, “Tell me more about that. I’d like to understand your views.”

“You don’t have to agree but coming to a conversation with a perspective of humility
will help open a conversation and get the other person to share their views,” she says.
“We can keep the conversation at a level of interest. It doesn’t have to get angry. It
doesn’t have to be nasty.”

You can’t prevent someone from being defensive, but changing how you enter a
conversation can help, Scarbrough says. “Who am I to say that you should believe
one thing or another? That’s pretty arrogant of me,” she says. “Instead, do your best
to come to the conversation with humility and grace, and openness and curiosity and
generosity of spirit. And if we do that, we have a lot less chances of having a response
that is defensive. Intent is half the battle.”
ACTIVITY

Create a Role Play (boss-employee) showing a disagreement.

Student A: You are a project manager who has been assigned to a new project. One
of the members of your new team is not co-operating with the other team members.
He opposes every idea, causes conflict and is generally difficult to work with. Talk to
him and solve the problem.

Student B: You have worked for this company for 10 years and you feel
unappreciated. You started to work on a new project with co-workers who are not so
experienced as you are, and you think your manager is incompetent. You complain a
lot because things do not work as they should. Your manager wants to talk to you.

Be careful to follow the Reading instructions while expressing your points of view!