High-Confidence Behavior at Work: The “Exec Skills”

thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/how-to-succeed-in-your-career/topic/high-confidence-
behavior-at-work-the-exec-skills

Career coach Kathleen Reardon wrote a book called “The Secret Handshake“.

The main idea is that people at the top of any organization follow unwritten rules of
conduct that define them as a group. And if you want to make it into that group, you need
to show that you can play by those same rules.

Albeit the idea of a “secret handshake” might sound silly to some, it’s also, in good part,
true.

Every group has its own code that you must respect to join, and the more cohesive and
exclusive the groups have even more stringent codes.
Not all executives in all companies are cohesive. But they certainly are all exclusive.

The “secret handshake”, in the end, is nothing but an ensemble of signals and non-written
rules to obey that communicate whether you are ready for the big boys’ table, or not.

Many of those signals are culture-dependent, and that’s why we advised at the beginning
of this module to take stock of what the top management has in common in your
company.
But many more of those signals are universal.
In good part, they overlap with the same signals that suggest “alpha male” and “alpha
female” and which portray power and confidence.
You’ve already seen many of them in the first module -and in this whole course-.

Now, in this lesson, you are going to learn more of those “secret handshake signals” that
apply to work and professional environments.

Remember, as usual, that the goal is not to be “as powerful as possible”, but to best adapt
to the situation.

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To make an exaggerated example, going to your boss after he made a mistake and telling
him “you fucked up”, is high in power and, we might argue, requires lots of confidence.
Yet, it’s also very stupid.

So in this lesson, we will also mention when it’s appropriate to go full-on power, and when
it’s best to strike a balance.

1. More Declarative Sentences, Fewer Questions

Declarative sentences communicate certitude and conviction.

Questions communicate doubt and unconfidence.

If you are confident about something, you want to avoid questions and use declarative
sentences instead.
If you are all sharing ideas and opinions, also use declarative sentences: your idea is as
good as anyone else and you don’t need to cushion it.

Examples:

(Talking about seeranve packages)

HR representative (question): Don’t you think it could be a good idea if we offered 3
months of pay instead of firing her with just 2 weeks salary?

This is too weak, especially considering the HR representative has a good degree of
authority in discussing employees’ termination.

The declarative sentence would be:

HR representative (declarative): We must offer her 3 months of pay. That’s the fair way of
letting someone go.

However, this might be too overpowering.

The employee’s manager also wants to have his say, and since the money will likely come
from his budget, a more collaborative approach is best here.

So this one strikes the right balance:

HR Representative (balanced): I would rather offer Sandy 3 months of pay to end our
relationship. It will lower the chances of getting sued, and it will uphold our reputation as a
fair employer.

Another strategy to take off some confrontational sting from very direct and declarative
sentences is to add that your statement is your opinion.
For example:

Declarative speaker: We have to offer her 3 months of pay. That’s the fair way of letting
someone go. That’s how I see it. I’m curious to know what you think, since it’s your budget
and you were the one managing her.

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That last part decreases the chances the receiver will get defensive.

1.2. Avoid Questions When It Comes to Your Core Values

Questions make you come across as particularly weak and sneaky when you are supposed
to take a strong stand.

For example:

Kate: I propose we sell our loans portfolio as a matter of piority, before the market realizes
its true value
Head of Sales: But what if our customers will later be unhappy with what they bought?

Matt sounds too weak, and too easy to overcome. He should be defending his customers
more assertively:

Kate: I propose we sell our loans portfolio as a matter of piority, before the market realizes
its true value
Head of Sales: No, sorry, le’ts call things for what they are. That’s the equivalent of saying
“let’s swindle our own customers”. No, sales is based on trust, I strongly oppose that

1.3. Always Go Declarative If You Got Solid Results

If you are sharing information that’s based on study, data, facts, or repeated experience in
a field, always go declarative.

Even if the data is inconclusive, that’s still a conclusion.

See here the two different approaches:

Tentative data scientist: hm… the data at this point seems inconclusive?

Way too insecure. Who’s the data expert there?

Instead:

Declarative data scientist: well, the data is here, and it does not allow us to reach a
definitive conclusion to support an informed decision. I propose to postpone the decision
until we can do more analysis

PRO Tip: If you’re the expert, avoid looking around

Do you remember the “looking around for support” in the first module?

If you are the supposed expert and you look around when asked a question, that will kill
your authority.
See an example here:

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Watch Video At: https://youtu.be/nH_cYNXWNHU

Her: not as a treatment (and looks around)

(…)
But not as, I have not seen… (looks to the side and points to someone else)

When she points to someone else, it’s as if she was saying “help me out here”.
She does not want to contradict the president, and that’s understandable, but she is losing
lots of power, authority, and respect from the medical community. By looking around she
is also communicating that she is not the ultimate authority, and that the buck doesn’t
stop with her. If she’s not the medical expert in the room, then who is?

She could have answered without shooting down Trump while still keeping her authority.
For example Not as a treatment for coronavirus (flatly denying the nonsense which should
be first priority)
Ultraviolet and heat do kill some microorganisms, and there have been previous testing,
so the rumors you’re talking about probably refer to those tests (saves Trump’s face).
Unluckily they don’t work with coronavirus (preserves scientific facts).
Now the priority for treatment is in looking for a vaccine, and there are a number of
encouraging efforts in that direction (ends on a positive tone which is both true, and
exactly what Trump wanted to have). She would have saved the president face, stayed true
to science, while still remaining the authority.

See here for a deeper analysis.

2. Avoid Speech Weakeners

2.2. Minimizers

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– Just: “I just need a minute of your time.”
– Small
– Little
– Tiny
– Quick

As a rule of thumb, you want to limit their use.

However, they can be used strategically, as a “foot in the door technique”.

For example, if you open your boss’ office door and see him busy, you might say “can I tell
you a quick thing”.
Or if you have spoken a lot in a meeting, you might interject one more time saying “oh,
just one more quick thing”. That way, you show self-awareness and respect for others
while still getting your point across (you will see a video example in the last module of this
course).

2.3. Discounters

– “I might be wrong about this, but… ”

– “I should preface I’ve never done this before… ”
– “You may already have thought of this..”
– “Maybe this isn’t important…”
– “This may be beside the point… ”
– “It’s not like I’m an expert… “

Watch out that you don’t use too many of these.

Managing Expectations & Strategic Hedging of Authority

There are times when weakening your own intervention will defend your authority and
even increase your authority.

Think for example of researchers, or people who work with data and probability.
If you notice scientists speaking, they are always hedging their conclusions with “more
research is needed”, or “the data so far shows”. They rarely make bold statements, and
that’s one way to come across as more professional.

If you work in quantitative fields, you might want to take a similar approach.
For example, imagine a researcher reporting to a CEO:

Researcher: Let me preface this by saying that at this point we don’t have enough data to
make a final statement. But what I can tell you based on what we’ve seen so far is…

Albeit that might seem a speech weakener, it actually makes the researcher look more
professional and data-driven, while still giving the CEO the answers that he craves.

2.4. Qualifiers

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“It’s kind of like…”
“We sort of did…”
“Somewhat I tried… “

These make you sound both insecure and juvenile, so you want to avoid them most of the
times.

3. Cut Preambles, Go Straight to The Point

A preamble is a concoction of words and nonwords used before getting to the main point.

As a rule of thumb:

Preambles serve to soften your message, and the more words you use, the “softer” your
message will be.

Women are more likely to use preambles in fear of appearing too direct or aggressive, but
some men fall for it as well.

An example of using too many preambles:

Preamble Speaker: You know, I was thinking about this issue. In fact, I’ve been talking to
my colleagues, too. A lot of us share the same concerns over reduced productivity during
the last two quarters, so I’m not alone in this.
Come to think of it, it might be even more than just those two quarters. It’s something we’ve
known about for a long time but haven’t measured. Anyway, we’ve all been trying to find a
way to address it and I think I may have come up with an idea. I’m not saying it’s the best
idea or the only idea—just that it’s one idea.
Now, my idea involves…

That whole speech screams “defensiveness” and “fear of saying something stupid”.

Confident Without Preambles: Productivity has been an issue we’ve struggled with for
some time. In the last two quarters, we measured it, so we’ve been able to quantify it. The
numbers are in your brief, page 5.
The good news is: I have studied the issue, and I have two proposals for fixing this problem.

The Strategic use of Preambles

Preambles can be used strategically.
For example, imagine you start your presentation like this:

You: What I’m about to say might shock some of you.

All I am asking if for an open mind before you jump to conclusions. Can you promise that?

Now you got everyone’s attention.

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However, this is more advanced stuff.
The general rule: if you’re using preambles because you want to build suspense, great. If
you’re using them out of fear, get rid of them.

4. Use Logic or Data

In “Stealing the Coner Office” career consultant Brendan Reid explains that pitching one’s
own idea with passion and fervor is the typical rookie’s mistake.

Executive materials instead position themselves as neutral and rational operators above
any single idea or option.

That’s a smart idea because workplaces, on average, revere logic, rationality, and data.
Being seen as a guy who speaks based on data, facts, and logic will give you lots of power -
and make you come across as exec-material-.

Let’s pick from the same previous example:

Poor communicator: Other people have ideas, too, but I’ll leave it up to them to share
those with you. Now, my idea involves doing some kind of a climate survey. You know, the
kind where we ask for employee’s feedback. A lot of companies are doing this now.

That “a lot of companies are doing this” is unprofessional and unconvincing.

What are you, following a fad?

What sounds compelling at work are numbers and data. Delivered with an air of
conviction and certitudes.

If you want to make a proposal based on what others are doing, that’s fine, but you need
to justify it.
For example, have some knowledge on who exactly is doing, how it’s working for them,
and what you’re going to gain from changing, as compared to the costs.

5. End With Your Suggestion (& Avoid “Laundry Listing”)

Let’s pick from the same previous example:

Poor communicator: A lot of companies are doing this now. We can either use an outside
consultant or our own staff. Or if you prefer, you can name a task force to investigate
options. On the other hand, if you want I will investigate the options and get back to you.

That’s what I call a “laundry list”: a list of options with no added value from your side.
That all sounds like fluff unless you make your own recommendation.
A much better approach would be:

Effective communicator: Based on my research, I see two different options. We can hire
BCG Digital Ventures to help, and their quotation is for 750k. Or we can do it with our own
staff. Based on the same number of people BCG quoted, I projected less than half the cost,
at 350k. If management is interested, I’d be happy to take the lead.

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Now that’s someone management listens to because he brings some expertise that it’s
worth being listened to.

6. Think, Then Speak (& Don’t Think Out Loud)

Some people fall for this one when they’re not sure of the answer, or when they’re asked a
tough question.

Then, instead of pausing and organizing their thoughts, they start speaking their mind as
they make up their mind.
The result is that it makes them look scatterbrained and uncertain.

This is especially damaging when a higher-up is asking for your opinion.

See an example:

CEO: Do you think it’s best to warn shareholders about the anticipated loss, or should we
wait until we’re sure about the nunbers
SVP: Hmmm… We could tell them now in preparation for the fourth-quarter financials. But
if we wait, we might sound more credible when we give actual figures. If we tell them now
we’ll have to deal with lots of questions we can’t answer. But then again, if we wait it may
appear we’re trying to hide something…

The problem with this answer is not that it’s wrong, but it ends up being a laundry list of
pros and cons that do not help the SVP.
And it does not make you look smart and helpful.

You don’t necessarily need to give him a “yes or no”, but you want to use the opportunity
to sound smart and strategic.
For example:

CEO: Do you think it’s best to warn shareholders about the anticipated loss, or should we
wait until we’re sure about the nunbers
You: There are pros and cons either way, for sure (pacing reality).
If we tell them now, we come across as straight shooters who speak the truth. If we wait, we
will be able to be more precise and answer questions more accurately. That being said, given
our culture for transparency, I would definitely issue a profit warning ASAP. I would just
make sure to make it sound like there is no reason to panic
CEO: How would you do that?
You: (slight smile) Well, you’re a master at communication (uses opportunity for some
flattery). But I can prepare a draft statement and send it to within the next half hour, then
meet you again to discuss (grabs the opportunity to get closer to the CEO on such strategic
decisions)

6.2. When You’re Done, Stop (& Avoid Trailing Voice Mails)
Trailing voice mails are a consequence of the tendency to “think out loud”.

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Here are some examples of trailing voice mails:

Voice Trailer: Okay, well, I guess that’s everything. Uhmm, call me if you have any
questions… That’s it, I think. Okay… Byee, See you

Here are some tips if you have a tendency for trailing voice mails:

1. Prepare a mental checklist of what you need to cover. Once done, hang up.
2. Prepare a standard line to end your messages, and hang up right after. For example:
“Call me if you have questions”.

7. Return Touch to Your Colleagues

The rule of thumb is this:

People higher up in the hierarchy can touch you, and you can freely touch the people
beneath you in the hierarchy.

That means that you shouldn’t touch your boss at work.

But it also means that to keep the relationship with your colleagues on an equal footing,
you want to return their touch.

Tips for Women

Some men will touch women more freely than they do other men.

Touching him back right away might betray that you’re out for power, and make you less
liked.
A good way then is to make your touch a bit more feminine. Instead of a pat behind the
back, touch the outside of his forearm.

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Another option if he overdoes the touch is to highlight his impudence with social grace.
Looking at his hand for example (see an example here). Or stop talking to draw attention
to him, or replying “hey, hello” with a tonality that says “what was that”.
The flinch is another option.
Angela Merkel tried the flinch when Bush sneaked on her from behind:

Watch Video At: https://youtu.be/RVvrNJHiuj8

It wasn’t the best flinch, but the idea is good: draw attention to the touch being out of
place, and you will win with superior social intelligence.

8. Recognize Your Office Is a Power Statement

Visitors to Europe are wowed by the first castle they visit.

Then they travel to a few cities and think “it’s full of castles, they’re a dozen in a dime”.
Yes they are, because all kings wanted to make the same statement with their castles:
“look how powerful I am”.

Offices are the same.

They symbolize your place in the hierarchy. So act accordingly.

9. Recognize The Restaurant You Pick Is A Power Statement

When dining out with clients, choose a restaurant that will reflect well on your company.

9.2. If You’re Invited, Avoid Picking The Most Expensive Place in Town

I remember years ago, when me and my brother in arms (previous lesson) were trying to
close a big account.

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We invited their finance director for lunch, and instead of just saying “yes”, she told us the
restaurant she liked. Which also happened to be one of the most expensive places in town.

Then, at the restaurant, she told us that she didn’t need our services.
Still today I think of her as one of the cheapest women I’ve ever met (and I’ve met a few).

10. Keep Your Personal Issues to Yourself (& Remain Professional)

Some bosses will appreciate you be candid and being your true self.
But it’s a minority.
In doubt, keep it professional and don’t divulge the details.
For example:

Boss: there is some feedback I want to give you. It seems like you have been going home
early quite often, and that’s fine, but you missed a deadline twice this month
You: I’m going through some challenging personal situation right now. But doing great
work is as important as ever, as it will always be.
Now, about the work…
(and then go back to talk about the work, thank your boss for being candid with you with the
feedback, and tell him that you will work on delivering great work, on time)

11. Assume Permission Granted

Junior and less competent employees must ask for permission.
More senior and competent people who take responsibility for their work, don’t.

If you always ask for permission, and if you do it with the most submissive style, you
communicate you’re not leader-material.

Consider these different levels of subordination:

Very low on power:

Very low on power: Hello Matt, sorry to disturb you. I wanted to ask you if you could
allow me to work from home the first half of the day tomorrow?

Low on power:

Low on power: Would it be all right with you if I work at home tomorrow? I’m expecting a
delivery midday and it would be great if I could be at home

Neutral:

Neutral: Hi Matt, may I work from home tomorrow? I’m expecting a delivery midday

High on power:

High on power: I’ll be working from home tomorrow as I’ve got a delivery coming. OK
with you?

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Very high on power

Very high on power: I just wanted to let you know I’ll be working at home tomorrow. I’ve
got a delivery coming.

Highest in power:

Don’t ask any permission, you call your own shots

In any performance-based organization you should reach this last step already when
you’re in a first-level manager position.

PRO Tip: Focus less on power, more on trust & responsibility

If you are trustworthy then you can safely ask with power.
But if your boss thinks you need supervision and you ask high in power, you’re going to
piss off your boss -and he’d be right-.
So this is a case where you must focus on delivering great work, gaining trust, and taking
responsibility. And then you can focus on power.

What if you’re a junior employee?

If you’re still a junior employee, as you focus on building trust, I recommend you start
with “low on power” if your boss is very authoritarian, and neutral if he’s more open-
minded.

10. Use the “I Got This” Format When You Smell Opportunity
Sometimes higher-ups will ask your opinion as a way of putting out feelers on a possible
opportunity.

That’s when it’s not so much what you say that matters, but the confidence you exude.

In one of Pat Heim’s examples, a manufacturing firm wanted to restructure operations to

a flatter structure that included self-managed teams.
The head of operations asked two different people in the team if they had any idea how to
go about it:

I’m not sure reply: Well, I’m not sure. You know I haven’t had any experience in this
approach. I suppose we could try giving this to the work cells to solve, though I’m not sure
they can. If they don’t, we can have R&D and engineering form a team to look at it. If those
two approaches don’t work, I suppose we could call in a consultant. But to be perfectly
honest, I can’t say right now.

The second one:

I got this reply: Easy, we can totally get that done. We form a cross-functional team to take
care of it. If they can’t do it, we’ll give it to one of the cells to chew on. And if they can’t, I
can personally look for an external consultant and keep an eye on them.

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Wanna take a guess at who got the opportunity to lead the restructuring?

11. Introduce Yourself With Full Name & Surname + Title

Have you ever heard of “Bill” as the founder of Microsoft?

Or “Elizabeth” for Elizabeth Warren?

Me neither.
Because those are powerful people, and powerful people go by their full names.

If you have a strong title, you can also use it to build your authority. If someone does not
use your power title when introducing you, you can say it as soon as you are introduced:

Interviewer: Today we have with us Lucio. Lucio is a blogger and he will talk to us about
power dynamics
Lucio: Thank you Mark. Indeed, my name is Lucio Buffalmano (gives full name), I’m a
social scientist (replaces the low in power “blogger”), and I focus on power dynamics. I’m
excited to talk to you today (ends on a friendly tone)

Another example:

Colleague: This is Katy, Katy works at JPMorgan

Kathrine: (quickly turning towards the colleague to highlight he made a mistake) thank you
Matt (turns towards the new person, smiles, shakes hands) Hi, I’m Kathrine Smith

Later on, if needed, you can casually drop that you head this or that department instead of
just “working” at JPMorgan.

12. Don’t Gossip – Or Better Yet Gossip Like A Baller

Gossiping is one of the key ways with which ballers recognize other ballers.

Gossiping at the higher levels is different than at the ranks and file level.
How people approach information sharing and gossiping it’s one of the “secret
handshake” ballers and executive materials recognize who is of their own same caliber.

So, how do they share information?

Executives share their information quick and dry, almost to purposefully show disdain
towards gossiping.
That’s because leaders are afraid of being seen as gossipers. They want an image of doers
who focus on getting stuff done and have no time to waste. The winners of this world
know that the true power players are not the ones doing the gossip, they are
the ones others gossip about.

This is how you show you’re a baller, get the facts, straight to the point, then get to work:

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Watch Video At: https://youtu.be/oBb_RSiAPPI

Let’s break down that dialogue:

Don: You wanted to see me?

Roger: About 3 weeks ago (pause) I hope you were looking for a job in Califorinia.
Because you’re going to need one

Notice he does not ask where he’s been, or what’s happened. That would be the “gossipy”
talk. Maybe they’ll have it later, over a drink, when it’s a more appropriate time to bond.
But now, Roger Sterling makes it a point to show off that he doesn’t care. All he cares
about is Don reporting to work and getting stuff done.

In “The Secret Handshake” career coach Kathleen Reardon explains that acting as if you
are above non-essential pettiness is part of the “the secret handshake”.

Notice how the rest of the talk is all straight to the point, all the side stories about
gossiping are purposefully left unexplored -or leveraged to display how they are both
above gossiping-.

Roger Sterling uses a juicy personal life gossip as a joke:

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 Don: Any conflicts?
Roger: Mona hasn’t been pleasant since my engangement (introduces a gossiping topic, but
as a joke)
Don: (smiles, knows it’s a joke) With the deal. But… Congratulations (no more questions
about it! Doesn’t get dragged down into gossipy talk)
Roger: (immediately back to business) Thank you (pause: shows that he’s unharried and
calm even with life-changing topics) very few conficlits. Coop and Allis jumped on it. I
wasn’t gonna make troubles. (pause) Well, now you can go back to your office and figure
how much I made on this (invites him to leave: the business talk is finished, there is no point
in standing around and chit-chatting)

And then little later Don refuses to even say a word about politics, even though it seems
like the world might be on the brink of a nuclear war.
That’s how hardened, hard-balling executives behave.

Take note also of the calm demeanor they both exude, which communicates Ï’m in control
of myself’. Notice the pauses between sentences, and notice how they go straight to the
point, with little words.

When you behave like that, you sub-communicate that you are executive material.

For Women
I categorize the following as “for women” as women are more likely to make these
mistakes.
But I recommend men to also read this section.

1. Become Aware of Your Smiling Pattern

Smiling is great.
Unless you’re smiling too much, or out of nervousness:

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Watch Video At: https://youtu.be/9bKVACKDTVs

One previous video also had an example of smiling at the wrong time.

People, and women more often, smile excessively when they are nervous, self-conscious,
or vulnerable (also notice in the example the voice going up, plus fading out).

Become more aware of your smiles and keep them only for:

– Entertaining situations
– When you’re truly happy about seeing someone
– Strategically, to appear more welcoming and kind.

2. Keep Your Head Straight

Tilting and chin lowering convey vulnerability.
But also powerlessness, so you might want to avoid them at work.

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The Triple Whammy: Big Smile, Head Tilt, Head Down
Watch out for combining all three together.
Head down, tilted to the side, and board smile. That’s extreme powerlessness.

Sexy, but not a pose you want to strike at work:

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When to Use Head Tilts Strategically

A head tilt says “I’m interested” and “you’re safe to share here”.

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If you watch skilled female interviewers, they effectively use head tilts to make their
guests open up. You can do the same on an actual job interview, or if you want to build
closer relationships in your team.

Practical Advice:
– Keep your head straight when speaking: when speaking, especially when
conveying an important message, keep your head straight
– When listening to someone talking about personal matters, feel free to tilt:
it helps people open up, and it conveys you’re empathetic and you understand
– When people are sharing something difficult, searching for words, tilt: it
helps to bridge an uncomfortable silence, it communicates “take your time, I understand
it’s difficult”

3. Become Aware of Nods and Affirmations

This one we have already seen in the general lesson on submissive signs, and what we said
there applies here.

One more note here on cross-gender communication.

Women tend to nod as if to say “I’m listening”, but men often interpret it as “I agree with
you”.
So if you nod too much, it’s a good idea to do it less.

4. Ban the Word “Girl”, Use “Woman”

At work, never allow anyone to introduce you as a “girl”.

And the same is true for any woman in your team.

You can correct people indirectly, for example:

Colleague: That girl you sent me was super

You: Glad to hear, she’s one of the most competent women in my team

What if all else fails?

Then you can explain that it’s demeaning to call a professional a “girl”. To help grasp the
concept, you can tell them “how would you feel if referring to you I’d say “that boy did a
good job?””.
With that, they should get it.

5. Beware of the Nurturing Trap

Be aware if someone introduces you or recommends you with typically feminine traits,
such as:

– Helpful
– Caring
– Kind

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These are all good traits to have, but the receiver might subconsciously think “oh, here is a
nice girl who will make a good supportive role”. And that’s not what you want them to
think if you are ambitiously aiming at the top spots.

Also, be even more careful for adjectives such as:

– Self-effacing
– Humble
– Anything that resembles “nurturing”

The more feminine you look, the more you might want to be introduced with adjectives
that highlight skills, drive, competence, and leadership qualities.

6. Speak Louder (If You Speak Too Softly/Airy)

As a rule of thumb:

Soft and airy voices are high in femininity but low in power

Volume also impacts body language. The louder you speak, the more gestures you tend to
naturally use. By combining appropriate volume and gestures, you immediately convey a
sense of authority.

As an example of too soft voice, listen to Marilyn Monroe:

Watch Video At: https://youtu.be/1zTFjDCEhlc

Albeit successful in her own field, Monroe certainly wasn’t successful in corporate and
business environments

Notice especially her voice on the word “important”.

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Exceptions
I don’t necessarily recommend that you speak much louder, because if you can combine
career success with femininity, all the more power to you.

But just be aware that a soft voice can make that career up a bit more challenging.

7. Avoid the “Hair Behind Ear” Move

You probably already know that lipstick and make up should only be done in private.

What you might not be aware are the subconscious “hair-flick” and “hair be the ear
move”.
They both make you look more girly and less authoritative.

Now that I said “hair behind ear” you probably know what I’m referring to. If not, here is
an example:

Watch Video At: https://youtu.be/SX5uskswdOA

8. Play the Banter Game…

Men use banter and verbal aggression as a way of bonding and jostling for status.
They don’t expect women to push back, so you can score easy wins and gain their respect
if you can dish it out.

9. … But Don’t Get Drunk With the Boys

Yes, the boys might order a pitcher of beer or do the rounds with the cocktails.

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But you joining then makes you come across as a potentially loose woman. The night
might end with nothing happening, but the rumor mill starts anyway.
If you want to stay longer, limit yourself to two cocktails max.

10. And If A Man Stares at Your Breast…

When you’re speaking and a man stares at your breast, stop speaking.
It’s like a wake up call to move his gaze up.

If he goes down again, stop speaking again.

And if he does it a third time, you can more directly tell him “up here”.
Like Nicole Scherzinger did to Conan:

Watch Video At: https://youtu.be/ty4PhRWt1hU

But please note that the power move of telling guys “up here” and pointing at your face
works only if you’re dressed professionally.
Otherwise, people will think “she wanted men to stare at her boobs” (which Conan
leverages later on to shame her and win the little social duel).

Direct, Indirect & Power

There is a big misconception when it comes to direct and indirect talk.

The misconception is that direct talk is powerful, while indirect talk is weak.
Instead, it’s more about the delivery, the tone of voice, and the nonverbals, which makes
your speech low or high in power, confident or unconfident.

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First, let’s clarify what we mean by direct and indirect.
Direct and indirect run on a continuum scale, and they involve both language, tonality,
and body language.
There are countless ways of being both direct and indirect, but here are two examples:

Direct: Prepare a list of all the invitees and send it to me

Indirect: If we can have a list of invitees, that would be great
Questioning Indirect: Do we have a list of invitees? (and he expects to be told “I can make
one” or “Yes, I will send it to you now”)

And:

Direct: Get it done by today please it

Slightly Indrect: Can we have it done by today please?
or:
Indirect: Do you think we can have it done by today?

As for most misconceptions, there is a speck of truth in the direct being stronger, and
indirect being weaker.
A subordinate is more likely to cushion tasks and suggestions in indirect language, while
the most stereotypical form of power, yelling orders without preambles, is the prerogative
of those in a position of authority.

Yet, indirect talk is also a sign of power.

Says linguistics researcher Deborah Tannen:

Imagine a master who says, “It’s cold in here” and expects a servant to make a move to
close a window, while a servant who says the same thing is not likely to see his employer
rise to correct the situation and make him more comfortable.

That’s because, says Tannen, “issuing orders in-directly can be the prerogative of those in
power”.

Indirect Prioritizes Relationships

Linguist researcher George Lakoff notices that while indirect language can be used as a
social hedge, and thus potentially decreasing the power of the indirect speaker, indirect
language also affords relationship benefits.

When people say that that indirect is weaker, they are focusing on specific instances in
which indirect language is used, and completely forgetting about the relationship benefit.

Adapt to Your People & Environment

The level of directeness is also linked to cultures (some Eastern cultures being more
indrect), gender, and personalities.

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Direct people tend to see indirect people as time-wasting and, potentially, even
underhanded and manipulative.
You can see an example here with Kobe Bryant being annoyed by his former coach Phil
Jackson indirect way of leading:

Watch Video At: https://youtu.be/kXZefQOosAQ

Bryant: If you want me to do something, just tell me. You don’t have to go around the
corner, drive around the block (…). Just tell me. You tell me what you want me to do..

Bryant is basically saying: I’m a direct type of guy. Please lead me with direct talk.

On the other hand, indirect people tend to see direct folks as overbearing and overly-
aggressive. Potentially, even as little despots that need to be overthrown. That’s one of the
risks of direct talk and orders: it can grow resentment and make you enemies.

People high in power and independence are especially annoyed by direct orders, and so
are as more senior and experienced people.

Indirect Encourages Opinions, Direct Discourages Opinion

There is one major advantage of indirect: more sharing of ideas.

As you will see in the “enlightened culture” lesson, top-performing teams need to get as
much input from their workers as possible, and indirect language invites more inputs.

Imagine this scenario:

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 Boss: Maybe we can add the conversion rate on a separate colum
(he prefers to have the conversation rate, but he would also welcome different opinions to
cross-check his idea)
Employee: Yes we can, but when you will presenit to the CEO, maybe it will look too
clutered with one more column and instead you want the earning numbers to stand out?
Boss: Great point, yes you’re right, thank you for your input! Scratch the conversation rate,
and since we’re here, make the earning colum in bigger fonts, too. Finish this as your top
priority and send it to me as soon as you are done. Great job so far.

In that example, because the boss went indirect first, he invited input from his report.
And he got valuable feedback and a good idea.
Then, once he made up his mind, he gave a direct order.

With people who can take it, you can force feedback by going very direct and challenging
them to prove you wrong. That was the style of Steve Jobs. But it’s more of an exception.

Avoid The Extremes: Direct-Rude & Indirect-Insecure

Whether you prefer direct or indirect, I recommend you stay away from the extremes.

Unless, as usual, you are doing it consciously and strategically.

Indirect is a fair choice, and can be delivered confidently.

But at the extreme, it can come across as insecure even if you are not insecure.
Here is an example of indirect-insecure you must avoid:

Watch Video At: https://youtu.be/O95fnszzI6I

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 Lumberg: shhhh… Uuuuhhhh… Yeahh…. Aahhhmmmm.. I’m gonna have to go ahead and
sort of disagree with you there… Yeah… (…) and I’m just not sure that..
Consultant: (..) You haven’t challenged him enough
Lumberg: I’m just not sure about that right now

Lumberg uses indirect style, but the problem is not the indirect style, it’s the extreme
levels of indirectness, both in words and nonverbals, that makes him across as slimy.

Solution? Choose The Indirect-Secure Style

If you want to use indirect talk effectively, think of “indirectly direct”.

I like this format the most.

Indirect-secure uses indirect language, but delivers it with confident nonverbals and
tonality.

With indirect-direct, you preserve relationships, and you also come across as confident
and authoritative.
This is the high-warmth / high-power style.

The indirect-secure is versatile. It can be soft-spoken, or it can be delivered with so much

poise as to leave no doubt as about who’s cracking the whip has power.
Look at Joan from Mad Men:

Watch Video At: https://youtu.be/CN-Rpk0dkcU

Joan: Unless one of you needs help finding a dead client file, I suggest you pick your tents
elsewhere

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Joan proposes to help by seeing “unless you need help”, but it’s not a real request of help.
It’s an indirect way of saying “you’re loitering”.
Then she says “I suggest” you pick your tents. But, again, it’s not a real suggestion and
what she’s really saying is “scram and go back to work”.

Joan is cracking the whip, but since she uses indirect-direct, she comes across as socially
skilled, emotionally intelligent, and charismatic.
Powerful and classy.

Think About Your Style

I will not advise you to be either direct or indirect. And not even indirectly-direct, which is
my favorite.
This is because, as we have just seen, it depends on your environment, personality, and
personality of the people you lead and deal with.

I do invite you though to think about it consciously, considering both your personality, the
environment you are operating in, and the personality of the people you are dealing with.

Women: How do You Talk?

A study shows that while men are far more careful to be considerate when talking to a
superior, women were more considerate when talking to a subordinate.

If that’s you, you might want to reassess your strategy: be a bit more direct with
subordinates, and a bit more deferential to higher-ups -remember the first lesson, men
expect you to “honor the hierarchy”.

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