Cam 17 test 3

The column graph delineates the figure for the average income that
people used every week between 1968 and 2018.
A glance at the chart reveals that most families spent money on
consuming food, compared to the lowest percentage for fossil fuel and
energy in both years.
To begin with, it is conspicuous that in 1968 the proportion of food
accounted for 35% while only roughly 5% of people's salaries using for
non-reuseable power. In the same year, it can be seen clearly from the
illustration that there is only 10% of sum families' money spent on
housing fees and fashion. The figure for housing stuff, personal goods,
and transportation is responsible for around 8% of each family's
income.According to the bar graph, people only spent approximately 9%
of their salaries to satisfy their entertainment needs.
In the next 50 years, there was a significant decrease of 18% and 3% in
the percentage of families' income spending on food and energy in turn.
The year 2018 also witnessed a slight fall to 4% in the proportion of
personal goods. Excepting for domestic products, all of the other
categories saw a sustainable rise in the average income used for

Task Achievement: 6/9 The answer provides an overview of the main

trends in the graph, but there is some confusion with the data presented.
The second paragraph mentions percentages from 1968, which is not
shown in the graph, and it is not clear what the comparison is with the
rest of the data.
Coherence and Cohesion: 6/9 There is a good attempt to organize the
information into paragraphs and use linking words to connect ideas.
However, some sentences are unclear or awkwardly phrased, making the
meaning hard to follow in places.
Vocabulary: 6/9 The vocabulary is generally adequate, but there are
some errors and limited use of more advanced vocabulary. There are
also some instances of word repetition, which could have been avoided.
Grammar: 6/9 The grammar is reasonably accurate, but there are some
errors with tenses, prepositions, and sentence structure. Some sentences
are also too long or contain run-on phrases.
Overall score: 6/9
Vocabulary errors:
 "delineates" is an unusual word choice, "shows" or "presents"
would be more appropriate.
 "non-reuseable power" should be "non-renewable energy"
 "sum families' money" should be "families' total income"
 "satisfy their entertainment needs" could be improved to "spend on
leisure activities"
Grammatical errors:
 "compared to the lowest percentage" should be "compared to the
lowest proportion"
 "using for" should be "used for"
 "saw a sustainable rise" should be "experienced a sustained
increase"
 "used for" is repeated in the final sentence and could be replaced
with a synonym or rephrased.
Revised paragraph: The column graph presents the average weekly
income that families spent on different categories from 1968 to 2018.
Overall, it is clear that food was the largest expenditure for most
families, while fossil fuels and energy were the smallest. In 1968,
around 35% of income was spent on food, with only about 5% going
towards non-renewable energy. Housing and fashion each accounted for
10%, while personal goods, transportation, and housing costs were
around 8%. The proportion spent on entertainment was approximately
9%. Over the next 50 years, there was a significant decrease in the
percentage of income spent on food and energy, by 18% and 3%
respectively. Personal goods also decreased slightly to 4%. In contrast,
all other categories experienced a sustained increase in the average
income spent on them.