INT.COMEDY SHOW VENUE. PREFERABLY NIGHT.

A comedian finishes his act and is walking off the stage

showing grace by bending and saluting the crowd. He exits
through the left of the stage, while the audience cheer
and
applaud for him. The stage is well lit and there is a mic
stand in the foreground and in the background there are
signs off the event. One which says "COMEDYKAAZE".

The host of the show enters the stage from the right, very
jovially yet sloppy with a drink in his hand... He seems
to
be a little drunk.

COMEDY HOST
(a little drunk from all the
beer...)
OK, I've been told we can squeeze
in one more act tonight.. All the
way from 'who gives a damn', comes
a guy who will apparently blow you
out with his jokes, but still don't
discard the cocaine it might be of
help to you guys. SO!! Give it up
for SAAHIL !!!! BAAHAR AAH BHEY !

The host walks off the stage while clutching his drink and
from the same way comes our protagnoist (Saahil Ahmed),
shabbily dressed with a dark shirt a kind of baggy pant
and
a musallman beard, he walks to the centre of the stage
very
confidently and also contrarily to the way he dresses.

SAAHIL AHMED SHAH

That guy almost sounds like
my father when he is drunk.. Eyy
bahar aah bhey, tera ammi ro re hey
dhek thu.

Saahil is now adjusting the mic before him, he picks it up

to his height and tightens the screw.The audience give a
medium
sized laughter for this invalid
joke.
Is he being paid in rupees or in
litres ?
Hello people! My name is Saahil Ahmed Shah
and I'm 23 years old-- At 23 not only do I still
live with
my parents but also I live in a 1 bedroom
Chawl--- Aap log Samaj
 nahi payenge, Aap sap Bandra wagers hai diktat
mei !!

The audience laugh for this and applaud...

The sound of airbending is heard and the scene actually
transitions to a different time.

CUT TO:-

EXT.OUTSIDE SAAHIL'S HOME.DAY

There is a commotion in Saahil's house, we can hear the

high
pitched yelling of two voices in the house but can't make
out what they're talking about.

CUT TO:-

INT.SAAHIL'S HOME.DAY

The father an old muslim man the mother draped in a semi

burqa and the sister are all at each other. Ripping and
hurting each other. The hair of the three is astray
indicating it had been pulled during the fight. The father
was quite puny but still had a deep voice, the mother was
a
little taller than the father and the sister was fat for
her
age and gigantic. Saahil is a small kid then.

FATHER
Take your good for nothing son and
daughter and sell them on the
streets it'll be better off of
them.

The father is clearly drunk and has hurt each member of

the
family. Saahil holds a bleeding nose with his handkerchief
and the ladies of the house stand as if they're being
accused.

CUT TO:-

INT.COMEDY SHOW VENUE. PREFERABLY NIGHT.

SAAHIL AHMED SHAH

My parents wanted to sell me when I
was young. Thanks to them, I became
a bigger sellout here cracking
jokes to an audience who are
overtly educated !

The audience laugh for the joke and some even applaud.
 Considering the fact that I'm
prostituting myself to make you
PHD's laugh, I think my parents
successfully sold me.

Saahil takes a sip of water from a bottle which is kept on

the stage.
The audience applauds and it fades.

CUT TO:-

EXT.OUTSIDE SAAHIL'S HOME.NIGHT

We can again hear noises from inside the house, but this
time we cant hear the father we can only hear the mother
and
the sister fighting each other.

CUT TO:-

INT.SAAHIL'S HOME.NIGHT

Again the hair for both of them is astray and there are
scratches on their faces. Clearly, they've been fighting
for
a long time.

SISTER
Its because of you my life is dull
like this.. Its because of you
there is this much misery.

MOTHER
Don't blame useless things on me, I
didn't even want you in the first
place, you should have been aborted
with that scheme coming at the time
you were born.. It was your no good
father who insisted.

SISTER
How dare you say that you bitch?

The sister charges forward and lunges into the mothers

face
by scratching her and pulling her hair and slapping her.

CUT TO:-

INT.COMEDY SHOW VENUE. PREFERABLY NIGHT.

The camera moves from the right side of the stage to the
left side of the stage with its focus kept continuously on
 Saahil.

SAAHIL AHMED SHAH

You know every two weeks there
would be a wrestling match in my
house. At that time I am the person
waiting at the ring to be tapped in
to play.

Saahil mimics how the wrestlers use their hands for asking
to be tapped in.
Or I'm the person who supplies
weapons in between the fight. I
just thrown in kuch bhi.. Chaaku,
talwar, kurci, mixer, grinder and
even iodex sprays for my family to
hash it out with.

The audience laugh at the jokes and applaud with shrills

and
claps. At this point even Saahil smirks a little knowing
he
was funny.

CUT TO:-

EXT.OUTSIDE SAAHIL'S HOME.DAY

The house is silent.. but in two seconds there is a sound

of
electricity zapping and then the mother starts yelling at
saahil.

CUT TO:-

INT.SAAHIL'S HOME.DAY

The mother yells and walks towards Saahil while he cuts

vegetables sitting on the floor.

MOTHER
Eyy Saahil, how many times did I
ask you to fix that switchboard ?
Why can't you get things done
atleast once in your life ?

As Saahil gets up to go to the kitchen from the floor he

is
sitting on, the mother slaps him twice on his face and
pulls
him by his collar.

CUT TO:-
 INT.KITCHEN.SAAHIL'S HOME.DAY

Still the screaming continues as Saahil tries something

with
the switchboard which is problematic...

The mother is still yelling at him for being worthless and

jobless.

Saahil tries to penetrate a pencil to accomodate the plug

in
the switchboard. ZAP the sound of electricity zapping is
heard.

CUT TO:-

INT.COMEDY SHOW VENUE. PREFERABLY NIGHT.

SAAHIL AHMED SHAH

You are not lower middle class
family if you don't have a socket
in your house being penetrated by a
pencil, and that pencil would be 8
years old.

The audience laugh for this and wuickly stop as the joke
is
short lived.
Everthing runs in that socket.. if
it stops working then the house is
in chaos.

CUT TO:-

EXT.OUTSIDE SAAHIL'S HOME.DAY

Only the voice of the sister is heard.

CUT TO:-

INT.SAAHIL'S HOME.DAY

Saahil seems to be reading "Humour and its relation to

unconscious" while on
his bed, shaking his legs and merrily.. We think he is in
peace but,

SISTER
Let me just die, then this family
will be happy. It's because that
kaminey we're in a position like
this...

Saahil hears this from his bed and sits up while placing
the
book on his chest, the sister barges in the room through
the
paper ornaments which are hung from the wall as there was
no
door which can be closed for the room. The room was dimly
lit but it was filled with newspaper cutouts, books, old
books, pirated vcds scattered on the corner of the floor
and
also two piles of probably unwashed clothes, on one the
bed
and another on the floor.
What the hell are you doing ? Don't
you have shame sitting and doing
nothing all day ? Where the fuck is
the use of your degree ?

Saahil takes a deep breath but the sister lunges on him

and
slaps him hard..

CUT TO:-

INT.COMEDY SHOW VENUE. PREFERABLY NIGHT.

SAAHIL AHMED SHAH

You know in India everything is
proportional to a degree ? You want
to get married you need a degree,
you need a loan you need a degree.
You go visit these shameless
websites for marriages, they
separate the people according to
the degrees...
You need an MBA, yahaan chale jao..
Lawyer chahiye? yahan chale jao..
Doctor chahiye? yahan chale jao..
Engineer chahiye ? Internet cafe
sey thoda mud kar dekh.. Woh
naariyal thodne waley bhi engineer
hey !!

The crowd roars with laughter and applause...

Even for a murder you need a
degree...

The crowd is silent and did not understand the joke.. they
murmur a little among themselves.
Bolte hey naa first degree or
second degree murder !!

The audience then realizes and there are sounds of 'Ohs'

and
'Ahs' among them.
 Intellectual joke you guys wouldn't
understand.

The audience again laugh, the screen goes black and the
laughter is continuous for 7 seconds.

CUT TO:-

INT.COFFEE SHOP.DAY

We see three probable corporate clients (2 male and 1

female) sitting around a table with Saahil. They are
formally dressed while Saahil wears the clumsiest set of
clothes. The two corporate male dickheads look so
identical
it as actually an element of disturbance to the audiences'
eyes. They seem to be having a discussion..

CORPORATE DICKHEAD #1
We've had many comedians perform
for us.. but, someone from our HR
saw your videos and now they've
decided to bring you in this time.

CORPORATE DICKHEAD #2
Yea, but we need to clarify what
kind of material you'll be
presenting for the night.

SAAHIL AHMED SHAH

I don't know; I've never done a
corporate show before... Will there
be alcohol? As in would the people
be drunk?

CORPORATE DICKHEAD #2
They would be a little cranky.. but
I dont think that will be a
problem..

SAAHIL AHMED SHAH

Well alright..

CORPORATE DICKHEAD #1
How much time would you charge for
a show then ?

SAAHIL AHMED SHAH

I dont know what do they usually
charge ?

CORPORATE DICKHEAD #2
We'll fix onto it.. I think we need
a 40 minutes in between the
 speeches and the dinner.. The 40
minutes is your time..

Saahil is only nodding for this as it is his first time

and
he didn't know how to react.

CORPORATE DICKHEAD #1
We are ready to pay 40K for that
time ?

Saahil couldn't believe this.. He was trying to control

his
elated emotion... They write a cheque for 40K and place it
in front of Saahil. Saahil doesn't touch the cheque with
his
hands but is just staring at it on the table for a few
seconds.

CUT TO:-

INT.SAAHIL'S HOME.DAY

The flashback of his sister abusing him that he's 'good

for
nothing' appears for three seconds.

CUT TO:-

INT.COFFEE SHOP.DAY

Saahil leans back to the chair with a confident and

visible
smile on his face.

CORPORATE DICKHEAD #1
Whats taking them for coffee ?

CORPORATE DICKHEAD #2
Lets just go to the counter,

The dickheads get up and leave to the counter leaving

Saahil
and the girl alone in the table.

Saahil looks at the girl staring at him and then tries to

make conversation with her.

SAAHIL AHMED SHAH

So which department do you work in?

FEMALE CORPORATE INTERN

No,I'm just an intern..
 SAAHIL AHMED SHAH
Ohh so you're in training for
committing suicide out of boredom
and disdain ?

FEMALE CORPORATE INTERN

Not yet.. Parents !

SAAHIL AHMED SHAH

Ohhhhh. I've been there !

They both share a small laugh..

FEMALE CORPORATE INTERN

How did you get into this actually?

SAAHIL AHMED SHAH

Get into what?

FEMALE CORPORATE INTERN

All the stand up part? I've always
wondered a comedian ends up on the
stage?

Saahil stares at her in a way which makes her a little

uncomfortable. Then he realizes he's been staring at her
and
looks elsewhere.

CUT TO:-

EXT.MATH TUTORS HOUSE.NIGHT

Saahil stands outside the door of an old flat, the houses

which no middle class family would want to live in. It was
a
notch under he house we see as Saahils house. The walls
are
dry and filled with scribbles and paint falling off the
wall. He rings the unusual bell, the undetoned bell which
is
offsetting for a poor mans house too.

The door is opened by a mid 50's man with a dhoti and

baniyan, bespectacled and also bearded. He sees Saahil
carrying a black bag with him, which indicates he brought
liquor to his house. Saahil has a black eye and scar in
his
forehead.
The man isn't so much shocked to see the bruises, he
doesn't
react so much as to he knows the situation.
 The man takes him in with a smile.

CUT TO:-

INT.MATH TUTORS HOUSE.NIGHT

Saahil is already comfortable in the house as he knows the

way around it. It was a one bedroom apartment and the
walls
were filled with stands with books in it and newspaper
cutouts just like the ones Saahil had in his room.

There are two plastic chairs and a table with a small tv a

radio and some books on it. The house definitely was for a
person who didnt care much about how he lived.

MATH TUTOR
This habit of ours should change.
I'm an old man, if I drink whenever
you're unhappy, I'll be dead in a
few weeks.

Saahil lets out a laugh and walks in the house slowly

clutching the black polythene bag with the liquor. The
tutor
faces him and cleans his spectacles with his baniyan and
asks.

MATH TUTOR
Who is it this time ? Ammi, Abbu or
sister ?

SAAHIL AHMED SHAH

After a point you don't know which
monkey has gone crazy in the
barrel; the whole lot will be
trying to impersonate the other.

Saahil walks around while the math tutor just looks at him
walk up and down..
One monkey shouts, others will
follow.

Then he settles down on the chair and places the bag on

the
table.

MATH TUTOR
(With an almost fake
excitement)
So, what have we got today ? We
have very limited ingredients
today.
 Saahil takes out a half bottle of scotch and keeps it on
the
table and also a bag of presumable chicken meat. Both
stare
at each other.

CUT TO:-

INT.MATH TUTORS KITCHEN.NIGHT

Both Saahil and the Math tutor start cooking the chicken.
The skinning, cutting and the cooking. Then the food is
put
on a plate, the math tutor doesn't waste anything and he
scurries every bit of the dish onto the plate. The dish
looks smoking hot.

CUT TO:-

INT.MATH TUTORS HOUSE HALL.NIGHT

They both retire to two plastic arm chairs, facing each

other over the table, bringing down the dish from the
kitchen and glasses too for the liquor.

MATH TUTOR
I...uh... What am I? 58 years old ?
So I've been drinking for 40 years
now and I've never been on the
receiving side of the complaints
whenever I drank. I used to be the
person who whined... Like they say,
there is a first of everything.

Saahil pours the two glasses with scotch as he listens to

hsi teacher openign up.. He then pushes a glass filled
with
scotch to the tutor. The tutor takes it in his hand and
wait
for Saahil to take his.

After both of them have the drinks, the tutor raises his
glass.

MATH TUTOR
Cheers !

SAAHIL AHMED SHAH

Cheers Sir !!

Just after keeping his lips on the glass he listens to

Saahil saing that,

MATH TUTOR
 Throw your 'Sir' in the trash.. I'm
fed up with this fake respect, You
used to call me 'Baldo' in school.

Saahil heartily laughs for that and they both start

drinking.. The tutor then stares at him in a way as if he
is
sympathizing him. Saahil takes a lump of chicken and eats
it.

MATH TUTOR
I should tell you, I've seen worse
families and worse scenarios.

SAAHIL AHMED SHAH

That's what I hear from everyone
else. I should ask them to live as
me for a week to show them the
stark contrast of what they think
to the reality. You know experience
says everything.

MATH TUTOR
I lost both my daughter and my wife
in an accident. That is experience
enough for one lifetime.

The tutor looks at Saahil after this indicating that

Saahil
only had a trivial issue in hand.

MATH TUTOR (CONT'D)

You will understand this when you
mature. But, sadly, sadly... Life
isnt a contract in which you sign
up to be happy. It just so happens,
there are wars on the planet and
ruthlessness everywhere.

SAAHIL AHMED SHAH

Sometimes I wish a war comes and
separates me from my family, or
even I hope some monkeys die...

The tutor looks at him in shock as Saahil had never

revealed
himself to be this sombre.

CUT TO:-

INT.MATH TUTOR'S TOILET.NIGHT

Saahil stands outside the toilet and peeps in, the tutor
bends over the commode and vomits. The sound emanates and
 echoes through the empty house..

After the tutor comes out of the toilet Saahile hands him
a
towel to wipe himself, the tutor takes the towel but
rushes
back to the commode and again vomits.

CUT TO:-

INT.MATH TUTORS HOUSE HALL.NIGHT

They come back and settle down at the table again.

Three-fourths of the liquor bottle is now empty, Saahil
takes his glass but the tutor is not keen on drinking
again.
The tutor lights a cigarette and starts smoking.

MATH TUTOR
Have you thought about what you're
going to do ?

SAAHIL AHMED SHAH

About what ?

MATH TUTOR
Sitting at home and doing nothing
is dangerous.. It deprives the mind
of living a life.

SAAHIL AHMED SHAH

I have no clue on what to do. I'm
not qualified for anything
apparently.. That my family never
stops reminding me of...

The tutor turns his head away from Saahil and lets out a
long streak of smoke.

MATH TUTOR
Have you heard of the Greek
character 'Momus' from Aesop's
fables ?

SAAHIL AHMED SHAH

No I haven't read any of Aesop's...

The math tutor interrupting in between.

MATH TUTOR
Good!! I was quite sure you haven't
read it..

SAAHIL AHMED SHAH

 What about the Greek character ?

MATH TUTOR
You are Momus...

SAAHIL AHMED SHAH

I'm what ? I mean 'who' ?

MATH TUTOR
Momus was a Greek mythological
character who was called to judge
the creation of three gods namely
Zeus, Poseidon and Athena.. Zeus
made 'man', Poseidon made a 'bull'
and Athena made a 'house'...

SAAHIL AHMED SHAH

Where is this getting at ?

MATH TUTOR
Let me finsih.. Momus started
criticizing the three gods saying
the 'bull' didnt have eyes on the
horns and hence couldn't aim
properly; the 'man' didn't have an
open heart/mind so his deepest ugly
desires couldn't be seen by other
men; and the 'house' for being
immobile so no own can change their
settlement forever... And hence the
term "Nothing is satisfactory to a
Momus" !

SAAHIL AHMED SHAH

What does that got to do with me ?

MATH TUTOR
It has everything to do with you.
Granted, you don't have a healthy
family but it is high time you stop
criticizing them and start behaving
like an adult... Use your misery as
your inspiration to create, you've
always had a knack for writing and
also you've put up plays while you
were in school. Why don't you start
something to keep you up and going
? Instead of doing absolutely
nothing about you or your life ?

The math tutor suddenly gets up to rage with his hands

flowing in the air while he explains this all to Saahil.

SAAHIL AHMED SHAH

 I don't know how to..

MATH TUTOR
I remember a clown from my village
when I was a kid.. these clowns
they came for the annual circus or
whatever, they visit every other
year. This particular I remember
had no legs.. He used to fall down
without the help of clutches... The
people would roar with laughter
when he does that. He uses his
misery to make people laugh, to
evoke an emotion with his inability
to be a functional human. He hurt
himself every time he made others
laugh, which in turn made him
happy.. Or at least i thought it
made him.

The math tutor is now frustrated with himself drinking and

takes the glass from Saahils hand and pours the liquor
down
while he stubs his cigarette on a plate near him.

MATH TUTOR
It is high time you realize your
life is limited.

The tutor gets up to his book shelf which is behind him

and
walks along with his fingers running up and down on a
particular way.

He then takes a book out and then throws it gently on the

table towards Saahil. It is 'Humour and its relation to
unconscious' by
Sigmund Freud.

CUT TO:-

INT.BACKSTAGE GREENROOM OF COMPANY AUDITORIUM.NIGHT

We can hear someone giving a speech on the stage while

Saahil keeps pacing up and down in the room holding a tiny
notebook and trying to memorize the lines.

An attender enters the green room..

ATTENDER
Sir, you'll be going up in 5
minutes. So, please be ready.

Saahil nods to this and the attender leaves the room

 hastily.

Saahil then sits on a chair facing the mirror and looks at

his reflection on the mirror. He starts taking deep
breaths.

And then when the speaker finsihes, we can hear applause

from the audience and a lot of foot thumping.

At this juncture Saahil gets a call.. He had put his phone

on the make-up table. He sees the caller and it is his
mother.

He hesitates to pick up but still can't avoid the call

too.
So, he picks up.

SAAHIL AHMED SHAH

Ammi, I'll call you lat..

He gets interrupted in between.

MOTHER V.O
Saahil , the math tutor passed away this
afternoon_ there
is no one to claim the body, you have to come
immediately.

Saahil is shocked to hear this, he starts to palpitate heavily

and takes the phone of the ear
and covers his mouth so no one could hear him whimpering. The
call gets cut. And slowly tears start rolling down
Saahils cheek. He doesn't care to wipe them and now he
starts panting heavily.

The attender barges in the door,

ATTENDER
Sir, you up..

Saahil walks up the stage with watery eyes.. the camera

follows him from behind.. He walks up the stairs to the
stage and to the middle where there was a mic. The camers
circulates to a close up of Saahil and he seems to have a
tear on his cheek.

He opens his mouth to start his show.....

SAAHIL AHMED SHAH

Have you guys heard about 'MOMUS' ?
THE END