CHAPTER TWO

YOUR KIDS COME FIRST

In as much as divorce might feel awkward and unbearable to parents, children are
always caught in the crossfire and innocently end up in a precarious situation.
Consequently, divorce is strongly associated to emotional and physiological misgivings
that end up adversely affecting how the child relates to the environment.

Marvis Hetherington first conducted research on Psychological effects of divorce on

children in 1985. In her paper she established that children from divorced families
suffered more negative changes compared to their peers with both parents. Additionally,
the children from divorced families are bound to have behavioral changes.

From a psychological point of view, a child may blame themselves for the divorce of
their parents and most likely hold themselves accountable. Children tend to establish
that perhaps if they didn’t behave in a manner that isn’t acceptable their parents
wouldn’t be so mad at each other. Additionally, parents fighting for custody of kids
further adds salt to wound because the child will configure that he or she is partly the
reason as why the parents are in contention.

Interestingly, divorce can spew up a sibling rivalry in terms of the kids fighting for
parental affection especially for the parent that has moved out of the home. In some
cases the children end up picking sides on the parent that they regard their favorite.

Parents who are guilt ridden by divorce tend to outlandishly spend big money on toys
for their kids. As a result, the other parent may feel resentful on grounds that the child is
being spoiled or due to their inability to match up to the expectations of the other
parent. The conflict that brews up as a result of the above deliberations makes the
children think to some extent they are responsible for the divorce.

Young children need highly specialized care since divorce can have a drastic toll on
them. The signs of distress to watch out for in children include aggression and
uncooperativeness. On the other hand, older children become gloomy expressing
sadness and a sense of losing someone dear. In the end their education gets derailed
especially in the case of adolescent teens accompanied by adverse behavioral changes.
Divorce is a tricky affair which leaves parents intertwined with their own affairs, but at
the same time it is important to take a keen look at the children affairs and wellbeing.
Additionally, divorce is an alien idea to children whom view it as a threat to their
security propagated by confusion.

Divorce hits a marriage hard depending on the dynamics at play which might lead a
parent in seeking comfort, retribution as well as direction from their children.
Consequently, this piles up more pressure and stress to the child who is already between
a rock and a hard place.

As a parent it is your responsibility to seek to understand your kids and where your
concern gets triggered its advisable to seek the help of a pediatrician whom will evaluate
proper treatment. In some instances, a pediatrician may refer the parent to a child and
adolescent psychiatrist.

Psychotherapy sessions are a great way in which children and parents undergoing
divorce can find out more ways to deal with negative effects of divorce aftermath. The
sessions gear towards exploring the feelings of kids on how they feel about the
separation of their parents through individual therapy. Family therapy can also be
administered to help children understand the new family dynamics.

During divorce, children fall victim to misinterpreting the situation and the
responsibility lies with the parent to explain what is going on, how it affects them and
their fate ultimately.

HOW DIVORCE AFFECTS YOUR CHILDREN

Its bluntly evident that children relate to their environment based upon how the home
environment is structured and nurtured. Some parents exhibit immature behaviors by
exchanging harsh detrimental words in front of their children. Mind you, the children
pick up these cues and might attempt to use the same defensive mechanism in their
favor.

Children respond differently to divorce depending on their age as well as certain specific
considerations. Some kids may be overly reluctant and understanding regarding the
divorce situation while others require time to come into terms with the new reality.
Your children are resilient all they need is a clear way forward so that they can deal
properly with the changes that come along with divorce. Once an effective support
system has been put in place, you’ll be shocked at how the kids turn the situation into a
transition as opted to a crisis.

Swallow your pride, lay aside your differences and look at the bigger picture. Plan and
have amicable discussions on how you’re going to facilitate your children in coping up
with the new norm.

There are positive as well as negative effects that tag along with divorce in children.
Herein, both aspects of the coin are going to be intensively analyzed starting with the
positive end of the spectrum.

NEGATIVE EFFECTS OF DIVORCE ON CHILDREN

 Mental Health – Children hailing from divorced homes are outlandishly

exposed to psychological inconveniences regardless of their age, gender, race as
well as cultural background. The psychological phenomenon in kids affected by
divorce may manifest in the form of depression, delinquency and impulsive
behavior compared to their two parented counterparts. During the early stages of
divorce you will observe a shift in behavior such as unnecessary recurrent conflict
among peers. Divorce presents children with an emotional Rollercoaster ride
which ranges from sadness, confusion, anger, guilt to fear. Fear cultivates a sense
of insecurity for the children which makes them weary and anxious about the
future in terms of the changes that are about to take precedence in the family.
The child might result to feeling shameful that it’s them who are making the
parents have conflicts.
 Financial Hardship- The financial burden that comes with divorce is baffling
but at the same time it is a manageable ordeal. In order to cope up with the
changing times a parent may move the family to a smaller home or change
neighborhoods all together. Divorce programs makes a parent wear many hats
right from being the chief sole provider to security assurance for the kids. In a bid
to cope up with changing times and new financial obligations, parents end up
taking part time jobs or rather extra job to boost their income and meet children
 needs. Children know how to read their parents, if there’s anything odd they will
ultimately know. For instance, financial turmoil creates a unstable environment
for the children which in turn makes them feel anxious and adversely
overwhelmed.
 Poor Academic Performance- Children from divorced families do always
experience difficulty being attentive in class especially if the divorce was
unexpected. The confusion and distraction divorce brings to a child’s mind is
chaotic and as a result makes it hard for concentration and understanding.
Consequently, the daily trauma parts away with the child’s concentration whom
has now become disenchanted with school activities. Children that are distracted
easily find it impossible to comprehend their school work or rather participate in
school activities and programs.
 Emotional impact – For young kids, their minds are always boggling with
questions and theorems here and there. One careful scenario is when a children
comes to believe that if the sacred love of their parents is tumbling down then in
the near future they will seize loving them. As for grade school type kids, they end
up taking the blame which is characterized by fear of possible misbehavior or
misconduct on their side that might have triggered the conflict at home. In the
initial phases of the divorce, children may feel that the responsibility of taking
care of their siblings and parents rests solely on their shoulders as a result piling
up emotional stress. In the period when the parent is preoccupied with divorce
proceedings, the children might feel abandoned cultivating a sense of insecurity
and loneliness. Lastly teenagers may express their frustration through anger and
they ultimately find it an uphill task to cope with the current reality as a result
blaming one parent for the separation predicament.
 Likelihood to take risks- Adolescent teens have a tendency of being initiated
into substance abuse, early sexual activity as well as indulging in alcohol.
Children that underwent divorce before the age of five or younger are at a risk of
engaging in early sexual activity before they attain the age of 16 years. Boys
exhibit a peculiar behavior especially among adolescent where separation from
the father is closely associated with high number of sexually active partners.
POSITIVE IMPACTS OF DIVIRCE ON CHILDREN

 Important Life Lesson- Divorce carries with a bad image on the other hand it
can be the best thing that can happen to a parent as well as children. It presents a
learning opportunity for the parties involved especially kids where they get their
character shaped. Not all relationships last for eternity, when one feels like an
outsider in a relationship then its not worth holding on. Through divorce children
learn conflict resolution as well as the legal steps involved if the whole idea was
carried out in a civilized amicable manner. Divorce shouldn’t be an indicator of a
failed marriage but rather a conscious decision agreed upon by two mature
individuals whom are looking for a fresh start.
 Parents Become more concerned with their children- In a marriage one
parent might seem to be running the show by doing things like picking up kids
from school, handling homework and shopping. Interestingly enough, the
parents always show interest in wanting to get a piece of the action be it taking
children to school or just a weekend day out after a divorce. The positive energy
of both parents cooperating to raise the children although separated will
definitely boost confidence levels of the kids and make them happier. Spending
time with children on a one on one basis provides ground for the child to learn
from both parents crucial life skills. When parents step up, great things happen
for the children.
 Children become more resilient- Children that have undergone divorce have
adopted a mechanism to be resilient as well as adaptable to impending
circumstances. Divorce is a change in itself and to be able to survive and thrive,
children in divorce scenarios tend to develop coping mechanisms and strategies
to combat the change. As the children grows up it is mandatory that they are
accustomed to a solid foundation that forms the basis of their self in terms of how
they deal with life challenges. When both parents work hand in hand and get fully
involved in the affairs of their children then there’s no reason to demonize
divorce.
HELPING CHILDREN NAVIGATE THROUGH DIVORCE

 Empower your child- The new way of life can be overwhelming for children
since they find it difficult to come to terms with what has happened. As a result
self image is distorted as well as how they view the world as victims of
circumstances. Their view of the world which is often not the reality can trigger
mental health episodes. Be there for your children, assure them that they have
the mental muscle to handle what divorce will throw at them.
 Abstain from dragging children into conflict- Hold on a minute, if you’ve
got important matters to discuss as parents and can’t to tolerate each other don’t
use your children as a mediator to pass messages across. Within no time your
child will be in tune with the politics at play and end up picking sides and hating
one parent as the architect of the divorce.
 Become a consistent disciplinarian- For law and order to prevail, you as a
parent must establish the ground rules regarding ways of conduct. For example,
the young ones must be asleep at particular time everyday as well as control over
using the internet and playing video games. Laws are ineffective if they aren’t
accompanied by serious consequences for flaunting the rules. Be firm and flexible
at the same time, you don’t want the child to fear you but respect and
acknowledge their limits.
 Closely monitor adolescent youths- Teens manage to cope with the
aftermath of divorce but a close eye should be narrowed down to monitoring
whom they spend their time with. Additionally, the parents should dedicate time
to spend with their teenagers to provide security assurance. Deadbeat parents
have a effect on children which makes them seek validation from elsewhere
exposing them to early sex as well as substance abuse.
 Cultivate a healthy relationship with your child- Strive to culminate a
relationship with your child by ensuring regular positive communication that
does not interrogate the child but makes them open up. Take time to handle
homework with your child, go for ice-cream while holding hands and let the child
feed from your parental warmth. A stable parent-child relationship has shown to
boost self esteem in children in addition to better academic excellence.
  Peaceful co-parenting- A messy divorce is characterized by yelling and
threatening one another before the very eyes and presence of the children.
Hostile home environment is an incubation center for awkward behavioral
changes and gross misconduct. You are well acquainted to the phrase, “The Apple
Doesn’t Fall Away From the Tree.” Some intolerable behavior such as speaking
when an adult is speaking is adopted right from the hot exchanges parents have
when things fall apart. As a responsible parent, create a conducive environment
for your children that’s free from conflict and peaceful co-parenting will express
unity in the family despite the new norm.

CO-PARENTING

Co-parenting is the collective effort put in by both parents to raise their children despite
having divorced or undergoing divorce. Since it’s a new concept on the block, parents do
get it challenging from time to time and have to readjust to suit the needs of the
children. Remember, co-parenting is not about competing with one another on whom
will the child desire most but it is done for the wellbeing of the child. This is not the time
to get back at your ex by intoxicating the child with inconveniences of the other parent.
The last thing a child needs is a stressful scenario. Here are some of the ways that can
help you navigate co-parenting as you strive to live your best lives.

 Formulate a detailed plan on how you are going to handle the needs of your
children, who takes care of what? A plan gives you a road map, a direction to
follow so that conflict of interest doesn’t arise which in turn derails the whole
endeavor. The role each parent plays is distinct but it does often overlap
sometimes so a parent must be flexible and not feel like they are being
overworked.
 Depending on whom has custody of the child, relevant amicable times should be
set aside for the child to interact with the other parent too. Do not take advantage
of the situation in the name of protecting the child, let the child have freedom of
choice on whom they want to spend time with. When a child is barred from
seeing their other parent it raises concerns of mistrust and malice. The child may
end up having a dented relationship with the single parent.
  Minimize internal wrangles and conflict in the presence of the child. Respect
yourself as well as your ex and accustom a habit of discussing through issues
instead of being hot tempered. Kindly, distance the child from the court
proceedings which can be daunting and ambiguous for a child to wrap their head
around.
 Take your time to explain to the children the new norm of life so that it doesn’t
come as a shock leaving the child in dilemma and confusion. Both patents must
take the responsibility and be open with the child or else a tone of questions are
coming your way out of the kid’s curiosity. You don’t want a young detective
unearthing misconduct from a parent as that will make the child resentful
towards the parents.

Divorce is in itself a tough peal to swallow for people and its impact can have long term
impact on a child. Remember, you have to be super conscious for your own sake as well
as for the collective wellbeing of your children. Seek expert help from therapist with
experience dealing with divorced families.
 CHAPTER 3

Handling Finances and Paying Bills during Divorce

Each and every divorce comes with unique characteristics starting from the primary
triggers to the outcomes after the divorce. Sometimes, when it’s going down the drain,
there’s nothing you can do but brace tight for impact. From the previous chapters you’ve
learnt that divorce is a stressful emotional puzzle especially if the parties involved don’t
appreciate peaceful endings. Additionally, the financial implications accompanying
divorce are a source of contention that can be messy, stressful as well as disheartening
depending on the cooperation of the parties involved.

The divorce period is disruptive and can reshape your world as a parent and that of your
children. How you handle and utilize your finances will evolve, time spent with your
child will be eaten away as well as your revenue streams will be grossly affected.
Fortunately enough, if you understand how to manage, oversee your finances and the
distinction that lies between divorce and finances you stand a chance at excelling in
reducing financial disagreements.

Dividing financial assets is a contagious case in itself and when divorce is put into
perspective then we have a complicated scenario. Furthermore, it becomes rocket
science when there are debts & mortgage to be serviced, bills to be paid and children to
be well fed, dressed, schooled and housed. A poorly structured divorce damages your
credit score and piles up the cost of litigation.

Irrespective of the politics at play with the parents, going forward there should be a
detailed comprehensive agreement stipulating the bills to paid and who is responsible
for the ordeal. Don’t beat around the bush with the financial requirements since your
kids are involved instead be candid and fair on the bills and expenses to be dealt with.
Loss of trust from one spouse can make things difficult especially when they feel like
they are being used leading to additional conflict on top of divorce.

Some of the expenses dealing with divorce entails attorney fees, litigation fee, living
expenses if you’re already separated as well as other logistical and miscellaneous costs.
It is your obligation to Institute a sustainable budget that will ensure you navigate safely
during and after the divorce phase. Take time out to tinker about how the divorce will
affect your finances as well as the mechanisms you have put in place to counter
challenges. The mindset attained will help you in anticipating future expenses and their
respective remedies. So make sure you plan adequately and by the time you filing for
divorce then you ready for that legal battle.

There are three ways through which you can actively solve the financial conundrum that
comes along with divorce. First, you can decide to go at it yourselves by discussing and
ironing out issues then coming up with a detailed statement on the way bills and
finances will be handled. Secondly, you at liberty to consult the services of a well
qualified solicitor for specialized advice as you handle paperwork yourselves. Thirdly,
use a mediator who is impartial such as a civic partner to help you and your ex
streamline things out.

Sometimes parents are at loggerheads, a deadlock is reached where no ounce of

counseling can redeem the situation. Brace yourself for a bumpy ride from an emotional
as well as financial perspective. If you are rich then you must understand that you will
have to put up a brave face and fight through the legal proceedings. Irrespective of your
financial situation and background here are some of the tips you should revise and
device to your taste to litigate your divorce financial concerns.

Divorce: Financial Management and Bill Servicing Tips

 Prenuptial Agreement- When planning for a wedding all you think about is
getting married, living happily ever after, like in the Spanish Soap Operas and
Hollywood movies. You are carried away in the moment and forget that marriage
has got legal as well as financial implications that accompany the whole concept.
It is a conversation you ought to indulge in and scrutinize but for some reason it’s
swept under the carpet until the reality of divorce hits both parents. Some people
are always on top of their game as they consider signing a detailed prenuptial
agreement prior to tying the knot. A prenup is a legal agreement biding two
people to a sharing scheme of their marital assets in the event of a divorce. The
agreement ends up with each party parting ways with their fair share. A prenup
can upset state laws and be the determinant of how assets are divided.
 Collect Pertinent Information and Documents- If you have been a passive
player in understanding the finances of the family, this is the time to get
acquainted to the financial world. Take time and gather insight about your
finances in terms of your sources of income, expenses as well as savings. The
knowledge gathered will be vital and referred to when crafting a budget once you
separate as well as during the divorce period. Beware of spouses whom act
defensive and uncooperative when important financial questions go unanswered
like unexplained expenses or secret bank accounts. As you gear towards the
divorce you must have a detailed understanding of your current financial
situation. Take note of banks statements, credit card statements, mortgage
statements, life insurance policy, pension contributions, investment portfolio
statements, debt and liability documentation, income streams, bills et cetera. The
financial documents will give you information on how much is coming in, from
what source and how it’s spent every month. Lastly, the data collected will enable
you and your partner deliberate on how much you’ll need to sustain your lifestyle
after separation.
 Track Expenses and Anticipate Future Ones- Take it upon yourself to
develop a habit of recording household expenses and income overtime long
before the divorce is activated. The information you gather will not only be
necessary in helping you craft a budget but also vital to your attorney as well as
judge; they use the information in determining how to split assets, debt and
deciding on whether to award child support to spouse. Expenses that you should
vehemently track includes bills on food, clothing, college fee, entertainment,
childcare, school fees and anything that money was spent on. Tracking entails
listing any expense incurred as well as income which can be done via apps or you
can have a small notebook where you input your data. Practice discipline and
don’t omit any expense because you consider it minor. You’ve heard of this before
where money passes through your hands and when it’s all gone you can’t account
and justify how you used it.
 Create a Budget- Change can sometimes be disruptive and during divorce it
comes to life through the transitioning from a two income household to a single
income. It is advisable to model a budget that’s going to take you through the
 divorce face and after. During the divorce phase, your attorney is going to be on
your payroll, you have to budget for that, your spouse is not responsible for
billing the legal battle fees. If you want to avoid over spending and running into
financial turmoil, an elaborate budget will come in handy in the long run. Before
crafting a budget bear in mind the amount of cash you can utilize on daily basis,
weekly basis and ultimately monthly basis. Narrow down to specifics in terms of
the short term and long term expenses. Short term expenses entails utility bills,
grocery, scheduled car maintenance, mortgage et cetera. Long term expenses
comprises of tuition fees, child upbringing amount other expenses depending
upon your situation and the plans you have moving forward. From time to time
restructure your budget with the help of a financial advisor. Budget with what
you have and learn to leave within your means, you need something you’ll have to
plan and budget for it.
 Cultivate and Build an Impeccable Credit Score
During the marriage season you had joint accounts but as divorce comes to play,
the accounts you had will be terminated by your permission of course. Take your
time to scrutinize and review your credit report to the latter as well as bank
accounts in your name. In order to build a reputable credit history fall into the
habit of making your loan payments on time during as well as after the whole
divorce proceedings. Divorce can tarnish the reputation of a family business you
have worked so hard to make a reality. It is advisable that you take your credit
score seriously and work in close ties with your financial advisor to provide more
insight on what your options are going forward.
 Separate Your Finances and Create Distance- Before and after separation
you ought to have created another bank account for yourself as well as taking
note of your debt. Mind you, before the divorce, you have to have a complete
honest scrutiny of your finances. Know where you are in the financial spectrum
and what you must do to improve your situation. Having a separate bank account
gives you control over your finances since you’ll be able to dictate how you use
your money without the interference of your divorced spouse. Immerse yourself
completely into saving by establishing an emergency fund savings account.
Financial emergencies don’t come knocking at your door to alert you. You never
 know when and where an unexpected expense may suffice. Be ready for the
unknowns by initiating an emergency fund.
 Take Advice from Experts- This is not the time to take advice from your best
friend, relatives and any Tom, Dick and Harry. You have an obligation unto
yourself to take legal and financial advice from a trustworthy lawyer and a candid
financial advisor. Experts have effective strategies given their experience in the
various fields. The laws around divorce vary from country to country there’s no
one size fits all solution. Beware of individuals and online blogs that purport to
pedal solutions that can solve your divorce predicament. In the event you’re
doubting and unsure of the steps to take in terms of moving your money,
changing bank accounts, hold on and promptly seek expert deliberations from a
licensed attorney. At this point in time you are very vulnerable to predators who
seek to solicit money in the name of helping you out with the divorce procedure.
Remember to take note of taxes that you are due to pay. Seek the advice of an
accountant and a financial professional on how you are going to handle filling
taxes to avoid future complications.

How Much Will Divorce Cost You

In the previous paragraphs we’ve learnt that divorce can be an emotionally intriguing
affair accompanied with financial needs. There are factors that lay the ground rules on
how the divorce is going to turn out which include:-

 Complex legal proceedings

 Assets under contention
 Country which you hail from
 Are children involved?

According to the Forbes Advisor website, the median cost divorce will incur in the
United States is around $7, 000. That’s not to say $7, 000 is a flat rate and all divorces
will cost such an amount. Remember, the more drama and hotly contested a divorce
becomes the more the related legal fees settlement increases. Divorce procedures that
are much less contested or where the couples have decided to do it themselves cost less
than the average amount quoted herein. Divorce procedures and fees vary from state to
state so be keen to understand what you’re getting into and how you’re going to tackle
the predicament.

Furthermore, the cost factor depends upon the country where divorce is carried out,
whether a legal professional is consulted and hired, are the parties involved coming
from urban or rural areas, financial situation of the couples involved in the divorce as
well as child custody issues if applicable. Divorce cab be heart aching and time-
consuming especially if the couple disagree on the terms and conditions of divorce.

How much Does a Divorce Lawyer Cost?

You probably worried by now and contemplating on the cost that awaits you in your
divorce case. Chill out, majority of attorneys out there are accustomed to charging an
hourly rate. According to DivorceNet a trusted voice in matters divorce, the hourly rate
costs around $270. The figure was arrived at after the website conducted a nationwide
survey of their readers on the average cost. They further intensified the research and
consulted various family lawyers and the result of the endeavor resulted in a range of
between $200 to over $300 per hour. Mind you the final tally of your bill matters
especially if the divorce is marred with complexity of disagreements.

Other factors that are going to have an effect on how much the divorce is going to cost
include the lawyers experience and reputation. Some lawyers are generous enough to
give free initial consultation but anything beyond that will be billed accordingly.
Furthermore, lawyers vary in their deliberations as some may opt for an hourly rate as
quoted here or charge a flat rate for preceding over a low key, uncontested divorce
battle. In a bid to secure a lawyer’s time and service for future then you must put an
upfront fee known as retainer fee. The fee is not compulsory, it depends with how
different law forms and lawyers operate.

Other costs that accompany the legal fees for divorce include copying costs, postage fees,
and travel expenses for experts and witnesses, processing fees as well as court filing fees
among others. Note that for a country like The United States defendants have a right to
a lawyer who doesn’t charge anything and is state appointed to defend you if you can’t
afford a lawyer. Be ready to fund the whole process from your own pocket.
The Cost of Divorce if you do it yourself

Another option is to go at it yourself without the assistance of an attorney but you must
creatively plan if you understand the associated costs. Some of the costs that you are
going to incur include:-

 Filling fees
 Courtroom expenses
 Divorce legal forms
 Serving divorce papers
 Expert witnesses
 Child custody evaluator
 Business evaluation fees (required when business is involved)
 Mediation costs

Less Expensive Divorce: Mediation or Collaborative Divorce

Mediation

Interestingly, if you keep your cool and you are able to carefully iron out your
differences through mediation then the divorce cost will be significantly lower. In a
divorce mediation there is a third party involved who is supposed to be impartial and
not lean on either side of the divide. After instituting a proper agreement between the
two conflicting parties the deliberations are initiated into a mediation agreement which
sets the pace for judgement on the case. Mediation provides an opportunity for both
parties to streamline issues and focus on common interest as a result striking a mutually
beneficial agreement.

Mediation is a win-win situation for both parties involved unlike litigation. Some
countries require the conflicting parties to undergo mediation first before proceeding to
battle it out in court. Couples can resolve their differences and avoid going to trial if they
can keep their heads together and ought for mediation.
Collaborative Divorce

Collaborative divorce shares the same features as mediation. The case isn’t taken to
court but a lawyer works out a settlement with respect of conflicting parties which is
then presented to court. Apart from a lawyer, a mental health coach or a financial
advisor can oversee the negotiation process. Before kicking off the divorce process
through collaborative divorce, both parties and their legal counsels agree in unison by
signing legal binding agreements that they won’t opt to go to court. They will deliberate
the outcome through negotiations. The benefits of collaborative divorce are clear cut
right from costing less money, faster ruling is agreed upon to a peaceful post-divorce
litigation involving child support issues.
 CHAPTER 4

Looking after you.

“I’m filing for divorce.”

Four strong words that echo through your ears and send a quiver down your spine.
Additionally, if your marriage was rather peaceful it is going to hit you hard leaving you
confused. Divorce can greatly impact your life leaving you lonely, financially
handicapped, depressed and tinkering where life is going to take you. Buckle up, raise
your head high, nothing to be skeptical about, you can indeed survive a divorce and
come out courageous. The key aspects to hold into accountable if you want to come out
on top in a divorce is to consider the wellbeing of your mind, body and spirit.

Coming to terms with the realities of divorce is daunting. You’ve lost a dear person in
your life, you grieving a person who is still alive, kind of complicated. Separation is
stressful right from the legal battle to the financial side of the spectrum. Apart from
battling for the custody of the kids, you will have to put with the loneliness that comes
with the loss of a partner. At this point in time it’s mandatory to take keen
considerations from a physical point of view as well as mental perspective.

This is one of the most trying times in your life and in the midst of all these changes and
confusion it’s easy to be carried away by the heat of the moment. You find yourself
neglecting fundamental personal self-care needs which affects your mental attitude. It is
possible for children to be sidelined especially when the divorce is toxic since parents
will be immersed in their own world of chaos trying to get the better of each other. Grief
is divorce best friend and can stimulate emotions of anger, despair, hopelessness and
sadness which if you’re not careful you’ll fall victim.

Improving Your Self-Care during a Divorce

We have seen how divorce can be detrimental to a person’s life. No matter the reason
for divorce you have the ability to regain back your positive vibe and put your life on
track to attack your goals. Here are some of the deliberations you can effect to adjust to
the situation during a divorce.
1. Share the burden- No man is an Island, we all need a shoulder to lean on from
time to time while going through life threatening and changing moments. On the
same thought, divorce is painfully stressful not only for the spouses involved but
also for the children and immediate family. The emotional turmoil that
accompanies divorce can be too much to bear for a single person. Seeking a
confidant whom you trust and opening up your feelings to the person can be an
exhilarating phenomenon that aids you in coping with the divorce situation. Now,
whom is the confidant? A confidant could be a family member, close friend as
well as a qualified therapist.

A classic example of a person whom you can open up to has qualities such the
ability to empathize with you as well as validate your feelings. Catharsis is a
decent strategy which entails discharging negative energy emotions to counter
and relieve fear, anger, stress as well as intense anxiety. A psychologist is the
expert in catharsis and they are very good listeners. Hearing yourselves speak out
your pain and grief enables you to think better and engineer solutions to override
the obnoxious situation you’re involved as well as overcome at the end of the day.
You can also sign up to a support group where you have the opportunity to meet
people like you undergoing similar situation. This is not the time to hide and
isolate yourself since that can adversely sky rocket your stress levels, decapitate
your concentration, sabotage you at work as well as take a toll on your overall
health. Don’t be afraid, you can handle this situation you have the guts to do so
effectively.
2. Take your time- As we have seen here, divorce shouldn’t be taken lightly
because of the ramifications that accompany the ordeal. Time heals all wounds
and with divorce that’s the case so don’t be hard on yourself. The pitfall that
majority of people do is go about their day to day activities wearing a false face
but deep down there are deep fresh emotional cuts that still linger as a result of
divorce. Take time reminisce and go into a period of introspection which is the
first step towards healing divorce wounds. Thoroughly investigate and question
yourself on what could possibly have triggered your partner to ask for divorce and
contemplate on how such as occurrence can be prevented in the future. If you
 really want to come out strong instigate a solid foundation upon which you can
start from as you build yourself to be a better partner. You might be tempted to
quick judgement of yourself as the one whom brought about the divorce. Focus
on your unique strengths and attributes and how you can bring out the best in
you. Learn from your past and shape your future because you can. Your
productivity will drastically be affected since you may not feel as productive as
before as well as relate with people promptly. Give yourself time out, there’s no
superman or superwoman we all have our inconvenience so take time to heal, re-
organize and you’ll sail through safely.
3. Look after Yourself Emotionally and Physically- Stress makes you focus
on the problem at hand, you get lost in thinking about this one issue that has
derailed your life. When stress takes over a human mind other things become
obsolete such as taking care of yourself. Take it easy and be good to yourself and
body. Exercise, eat healthy food, relax and formulate your routine to suit your
new reality. Refrain and distance yourself from taking concrete decisions
involving finances, children as well as legal matters. You aren’t in the right frame
of mind to make substantial decisions.

You might be tempted to go for drugs and alcohol hoping to get away and cope
with the situation but that will only add salt to the wound. In addition,
overreliance on the drugs might make you an addict overtime and that’s
dangerous for a parent as your family will become dysfunctional and your kids
will lack basic needs. Drugs leads to much more consequences adding trouble on
top of trouble. Some people may result to hurting themselves physically by
attempting suicidal acts in a bid to get back at their ex causing drama. Stay away
from toxic people whom keep playing victim to get your attention and draw you
in their messy affairs. You should know by now that “No means No” take a stand
don’t be swayed otherwise.
4. Practice Meditation- During divorce you feel lost, stuck and confused since
the future looks bleak as per your perspective. The same perspective can throw
you in a storm of emotions and stressful encounters on how your life is going to
turn out. During this stage your primitive brain is the ruler and if you give it
 much power over you then you’ll exhibit behaviors such as lashing out and
becoming complaisant with the situation. Stop looking outside for validation take
time and turn inward for inspiration. Did you know that having a consistent
routine of meditation for 10, 15 or 20 minutes a day can reconnect your true self
in the end you’ll feel a sense of calmness and safety. Meditation establishes a
connection with your true self, your goodness, your wisdom as well as your values
as a human being. As you arrange and rearrange yourself from the inside it will
be easier to guide yourself on the outside by making decent decisions, actions and
carving out a path to being totally free of any mindset related sabotage.
As you get in tune with meditation on a daily basis you’ll shift from reactive
situations to proactive in ways you couldn’t imagine such as:-
 Goal setting
 Promoting peace
 Identifying your core values
 Become more compassionate and understanding
 Restore calmness and reduce reactivity
5. Dedicate time to exploring your interests- You’re never too late to try out
new ideas and explore your interests. This is an opportune moment to reconnect
with what you like most and stay away from your spouse. It could be your
hobbies, you can volunteer as well as travel to a new destination meet other
people. For a while your world was about you and your spouse, but now you have
been left all alone, you’re free to do what so ever you may please. You can also
dedicate time to connect with the almighty as well as the universe. Let yourself
explore and you’ll ignore and overcome the divorce burden from an emotional
stand point.
Are a good writer? You can start a blog and perhaps share your experiences on
what divorce feels like and how it looks like as a whole. During divorce there are
array of thoughts running through your mind. Writing is therapeutic and can
relieve your mind. Through the art of writing and initiating a blog, you’ll connect
with people who’ve had similar circumstances and that right there can be a
turning point in your life. They might share tips on how they dealt with their own
 divorce demons, learn from that and configure a solution that suits your
situation.

Rebuilding Your Life after a Divorce

When it’s all over and the relationship is swept under the carpet, going on solo can be an
uphill task. Remember, there’s life after undergoing a divorce.

 Go out with friends- We all have that special friend or clit of people that make
your day hilarious and great. This is the time to put a smile on your face and
spend time with the ones that truly appreciate your being. You might be
thinking, should I take Jessy or Ben for a date. That’s the point, take your best
friends for dates. At this point in time, spending quality time with people you
truly appreciate and enjoy is a plus after divorce that can ease the pain and heal
your wounds. It’s always cool to have people who support you during trying and
difficult times, such as support system is vital for your mental health.

Other activities that you can engage in include planed outings, dinner, hiking,
road trip, playing soccer, volunteering work and any other activity that satisfy
your soul. The importance of such initiatives is that it offers you companionship
which fills up the gap that your spouse left. Take note to not get attached too
much, maintain respect and distance. Enjoy their company but don’t overstay
your invite. You must understand they have a life too, don’t appear too needy, be
yourself they will listen and provide emotional support.

 Change your environment- Who’s going to stay with the house? Divorce
indicates that between you and your Ex one will have to move. It will be difficult
to leave a place you’ve called home for decades and settling in a new
environment. After your spouse has moved out, the temptation to change the
setting is alive. That does mean getting rid of that souvenir over-size T-shirt your
spouse left you when you were head over heels? Some things are hard to let go
because of the meaning they portray. Take it easy and try to tweak the layout of
 the bedroom, living room and perhaps the kitchen too from time to time. The
changes are done to improve emotional wellbeing.

Play with different colors for the curtains and bedsheets and see what suits your
new way of life. You could also opt for changing the lamp, carpet, wall colors,
furniture as well as the wardrobe clothing. Change of environment does not only
affect you since you remain in the home, but also your Ex whom will have to
adapt to a totally new surroundings. Imagine living your favorite mug, couch as
well as your go to chill spot in the house where you marvel with your kids as you
assist them handle their homework. You take an emotional hit not because you
love the physical item or the place but because of the things they represent,
invaluable emotional experience. For the spouse that moves out of the home,
they might challenges coping to their new environment but as time goes by you
will get used to the new norm.
 Set new goals- Divorce is a marriage deal breaker that alters the course of your
lives. As a family when you were together with your Ex, you had plans on how
you will raise the kids, the type of school they will go, and the type of house you
are going to spend your lives in etcetera. Divorce makes a joke out you by
slamming your plans on your face leaving you devastated and disenchanted. The
mistake most people do is that they lose hope with their goals once separated.
Even though divorce wrecks your plans and derails you off course, take up the
task again and set a new course now that you are alone.

Create that bucket list you’ve wanted to since junior high and take matters into
your own hands to tick every item on your inventory. Life waits for no man, you
have the responsibility to stand back up and show resilience to your kids as well
as family members that indeed you will survive and weather the divorce storm.
Instead of blaming your ex for the split, show that you have your stuff well
figured out by setting new goals and putting in the work to make your tomorrow
better. As a personal therapy session, take a pen and a notebook, write down an
elaborate detail of the goals you would love to pursue with respect to your
dreams and aspirations. There are short term goals and long term goals each of
 which come with their fair of detail. Take life one day at a time, work towards
your personal goals and embrace the challenges that come your way.
 Simplify your life- A divorce comes with responsibilities without a manual
indicating how to tackle the situation that has faced you. This is the time to shed
off any unnecessary burden that may end up affecting your emotional wellbeing.
Search for amicable means of how you are going to play low key if you were used
to an extravagant lifestyle. Don’t get into the politics of trying to show people
that you still got it even after you got divorced. People don’t really care whether
you are macho, so refrain from trying to impress or you’ll get depressed. Only
pay for what you need and service your debts to increase your credit score. The
best way to relieve stress at this point after the divorce is to keep it simple, or
rather low key.
You’ll have to repurpose your life by gaining new habits which could be prioritize
spending more time with your kids. Loosen the tightness of your schedule and
focus on reorganizing on how you’ll handle your work and businesses. Ease up
on that monthly subscription, reduce impulse buying as well as utilize credit
cards sparingly. The earlier to learn to keep it simple, the better your life will
improve for the better. Don’t hold on to things that you can actually live without.
This is not the time to be naughty but keep your calm and go through the healing
process stress free instead of immersing yourself on an emotional roller-coaster
ride.
 End other toxic relationships – This is the time to keep away from toxic
relationships that drain your energy compiling the divorce problem.
Furthermore, a divorce could be a sign that it’s time to move on and cut ties with
toxic people. Why keep people in your life whom are a constant headache and
doesn’t basically appreciate what you do for them? Run away from such
individuals they are like a time bomb and can explode any moment without
warning. You’ve heard of the phrase, “Iron sharpens iron,” which means you only
get better at something by spending time and paying attention to a person whom
has already mastered the art. If you spend time with positive minded folks you’ll
definitely gain that positive mental attitude unlike spending time with toxic
fellows where you end up very toxic and don’t relate with people well. Ending a
toxic relationship is a relief and makes you happy since you’ve faced your
demons and come up on top. Don’t feel guilty what so ever that you are walking
out of a toxic relationship, if a person doesn’t appreciate you why stick around?
You may receive backlash from the family of your spouse who may not be
considerate of your reason to separate. Keep away from them as far as possible
because a single instance of interaction with them will open up the Pandora’s
Box and reveal things you wouldn’t want to confront.
CHAPTER 5