Unpacking the Psychology of Gift-Giving

What makes for a great present? Attention, empathy and a little bit of espionage.

What do diamond earrings, an old window frame, a purple bicycle, a china teapot, a
jigsaw puzzle, a flat iron, instant ramen and an espresso machine have in common?
They were all gifts that respondents to a not-so-scientific field survey said were among
the best, or worst, they had ever received.

If you were to guess which items were wildly appreciated vs. deeply resented, you would
most likely fail spectacularly: The diamond earrings bombed, for example, because the
giver had not noticed that the recipient, his girlfriend of three years, did not have
pierced ears. The instant ramen, on the other hand, was a hit because that particular
flavor, spicy miso, was not widely available, and the recipient’s mother, who knew her
son was crazy about it, tracked down a case.

When it comes to gift-giving, context is everything. While marketers, influencers and

innumerable holiday gift guides might suggest otherwise, whether a present is a home
run or an epic fail depends less on cost, design, style, presentation or practicality and
more on the giver’s ability to listen, observe and empathize — and perhaps do a little
sleuthing.

“Gifts are an expression of feeling,” said Dr. Bonnie Buchele, a psychoanalyst in Kansas
City, Mo., who has heard her share of angst about gifts, both given and received. “So in
the rush of the holidays — that panic of ‘Oh my God, I’ve got to get gifts’ — it is a good
idea to take a little time to think about ‘What do I want to say here with this gift?’”

Good gifts — such as the old window frame a college student’s first serious boyfriend
gave her, with a photograph of her favorite view mounted inside — show that you have
paid attention. Bad gifts make you wonder if the giver knows you at all — like the floral
china teapot given by a mother-in-law to a daughter-in-law whose tastes ran midcentury
modern, and who had (she thought) made it clear that she preferred brewing tea in a
mug. Even worse are gifts that imply criticism, such as a flat iron given by another
mother-in-law to a daughter-in-law who always wore her hair curly. (Mothers-in-law
fared badly in the not-so-scientific survey, whose participants included a pilot, a school
crossing guard, a priest, an interior designer and a UPS delivery person, among others.)

to fall into the trap of not fully putting the recipient first,” said Dr. Julian Givi, an
assistant professor of marketing at West Virginia University’s John Chambers College of
Business and Economics.

Indeed, his research indicates that people often give gifts that reflect their own desires
and motivations rather than considering the preferences of the recipient. Moreover, gift
givers tend to focus more on the ta-da! moment when the chocolate fountain emerges
from the avalanche of packing peanuts rather than on whether the recipient actually
wants, will use or even has space for the thing.

This doesn’t necessarily mean the gift giver is a narcissist, or even terribly inconsiderate.
It’s just that that person isn’t great at what is known in psychology as perspective taking,
or seeing things as others would. “People tend to have trouble with that,” Dr. Givi said.
But to give great gifts, you need to cultivate the ability to step outside yourself and really
notice people’s passions, preferences and personalities.

Pay attention to the topics that enliven and animate the people on your gift list. Look at
the kinds of things they have in their homes and offices, what they wear, the colors they
favor, what they take pictures of and what they like to eat and drink. If they are into
exotic cocktails, for example, they might get a real kick out of LED swizzle sticks or a
private mixology class.

Pick up not only on people’s joys and delights but also on their burdens and
aggravations, and think of gifts that might alleviate those things. If they complain about
never having enough free time, steer clear of time-consuming gifts like jigsaw puzzles or
1,000-page books. Instead, think about time savers, such as a robot vacuum or hiring
someone to fix things around the house that the recipient hasn’t been able to attend to.

Sentimental gifts are by far the most meaningful. Just ask the 53-year-old woman who
was moved to tears by a purple bicycle with a big bow on it, given to her by her fiancé,
who understood that childhood poverty had deprived her of such playful pleasures.

Giving a gift, especially one you want to make a statement, can be a vulnerable
experience. “That’s why some people get so stressed out giving gifts, because it feels too
exposing to express their emotions and like they won’t do it right,” Dr. Buchele said.
People can also have a hard time accepting gifts, particularly if they have an avoidant
attachment style or fear intimacy. They might subconsciously resent being known in
that way, or feel unworthy or even envious because they are not as thoughtful.

How receivers react depends on how secure they feel in themselves and their
relationship with the giver, said Dr. David Goldberg, a psychoanalyst in Birmingham,
Ala., who, like Dr. Buchele, encounters a lot of gift-related anxiety this time of year. He
added: “A thoughtful and generous gift can stir up all kinds of conscious and
unconscious fears, longings and desires. What does it mean to accept it? Do I now owe
the person something? What does it mean for me going forward? Do I need to respond
in kind? If I respond in kind, does it mean going to the next level?” No wonder some gift
givers tend to err on the side of caution and just buy something generic like a scented
candle or a gift card, rather than run the risk of going personal and getting it wrong.
If you’re stumped on what to get for somebody, you can always ask. One couple uses a
shared Google doc to keep track of the things they want to receive from one another; the
wife therefore knew her husband would not be disappointed when she picked the fancy
espresso machine he had on the list. This does raise the question of whether complying
with a request is more an act of service than a gift. “I would suggest that anyone who
says surprise is not needed in gift-giving perhaps has a different love language,” said Dr.
LeeAnn Renninger, a social psychologist and a co-author of the book “Surprise:
Embrace the Unpredictable and Engineer the Unexpected.” If being surprised is
important to the person you’re giving to, try asking for more general guidance, rather
than specific suggestions.

Maybe the best strategy when it comes to gift-giving is to conduct your own not-so-
scientific survey. Ask family and friends to tell you about the best and worst gifts they
ever received. Not only will you learn what kinds of gifts truly touched or perhaps
profoundly hurt them; if you really listen, you will also develop a better understanding
of their core values, love languages and attachment styles. These conversations can help
deepen your relationships, which is a gift in itself.

 What, in your opinion, makes a great gift? Conversely, what makes a terrible gift?

 What’s the best or most memorable gift you’ve received? What made it special?
What did it say about the person who gave it to you?

 What’s the worst gift you have received? Have you ever gotten a gift that left you
confused, feeling insulted or wondering if the giver knew you at all?

 What is your reaction to the article and its advice for gift-givers? Do you agree
with Ms. Murphy that to give great gifts, “you need to cultivate the ability to step
outside yourself and really notice people’s passions, preferences and
personalities”?

 Would you say that you are good at giving gifts? What is the best gift you have
ever given? How do you know it was appreciated? What are your present-giving
tips for others?

 Do you agree with the adage “It’s better to give than to receive”? Which do you
prefer and why?

Продуманный и щедрый подарок может всколыхнуть всевозможные сознательные и

бессознательные страхи, страсти и желания.

Неудивительно, что некоторые дарители подарков имеют тенденцию перестраховываться и

покупают что-то универсальное как пахучая свеча или подарочная карта, нежели чем идут на риск
перейти на личное и ошибиться.