You've Got to Hand it to Rei

Story: You've Got to Hand it to Rei

Storylink: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13533353/1/
Category: Evangelion
Genre: Humor/Parody
Author: Author0fntent
Authorlink: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/12514044/
Last updated: 03/27/2020
Words: 1322
Rating: K+
Status: Complete
Content: Chapter 1 to 1 of 1 chapters
Source: FanFiction.net

Summary: A funny take on the first meeting between Rei and Asuka in episode 9.
*Chapter 1*: You've Got to Hand it to Rei
*Disclaimer: I own zilch of Gainax/Khara. Or any of Mike Myers's repertoire.*

It had only been a few days since her arrival, but Asuka was already the talk of the school. On one particularly bright and sunny day, she caught up with Shinji, and hinted at her
intent to meet the First Child, Rei Ayanami. Rei herself was sitting alone, reading a book on a bench. She then noticed a shadow fall over the page, and turned to look up, where
she was greeted by the sight of the hotheaded Second Child.

Asuka: "Hello! You must be Rei Ayanami, the pilot of the prototype."

Rei offered no response as she continued to look at Asuka.

Asuka: "I'm Asuka! Asuka Langley Sohryu."

Asuka was standing on a ledge above the bench, and a big crowd of students had gathered, much to Shinji's surprise. Everyone was curious over how the first meeting between
the two would turn out."

Asuka: "I'm the pilot of EVA Unit 02."

She then held out her hand for Rei to shake.

Asuka: "Let's be good friends!"

Silence ensued, until Rei finally spoke up.

Rei: "...What is this?"

Asuka became confused.

Asuka: "What do you-?"

Rei: "Are you attempting to offer me the 'hippie' handshake?"

Asuka: "Huh?!"

Rei: "If so, then that is a feeble attempt to relate to me. It is 2015, no one does the 'hippie' handshake anymore."

Shinji, and the rest of the students observing, stared at Rei with dumbstruck expressions on their faces.

Shinji: "...Wow, uh, I didn't know that handshakes were that big a deal to you, Ayanami."

Rei: "Indeed. Handshakes are incredibly important in social dynamics. For the better part of a millennium of human history, the handshake has not changed, until the advent of
the 'hippie' handshake."

Asuka [thinking]: Is this girl for real?!

Rei then closed her book and put it down, and then got up to fully face Asuka.

Rei: "There have been some slight variations that have appeared over time. For example, the 'overhand businessman handshake' for office environments..."

With that, Rei moved her right hand in an overhand motion, took Asuka's hand, and shook it, while adopting a slightly jovial look on her face as she set about demonstrating.

Rei [in a 'jovial office lady' voice]: "Pleased to meet you! Great job securing that deal today, I hope everything turns out fine!"

The gathered student body was now totally stunned by the change in perception of Rei Ayanami they were all now experiencing. Asuka was caught off-guard. Rei then returned
to her usual demeanor as she let go of Asuka's hand.

Rei: "Then there is the 'media/show-business' type of handshake, as such..."

She then turned to the side facing Shinji, held out her left hand slightly backwards towards him, and motioned for him to take it. He did so with slight hesitation, and she shook it,
adopting an expression that gave off 'showbiz exec' vibes.

Rei [imitating a stereotypical studio exec]: "Hey there, great show today, you really outdid yourself this time."

Shinji couldn't believe his eyes as she quickly returned to her normal countenance, even after Rei disengaged with him and turned back to Asuka.

Rei: "Then there is the 'limp, dead fish' handshake, considered the least tolerable by many."

Rei then held her right hand limply back out to Asuka, who reluctantly took it as Rei barely put any effort into shaking it deliberately.

Rei [adopting a low, more apathetic tone of voice]: "Hello, I'm a lame-o."

Rei then disengaged and assumed her normal look. Asuka stood there with her mouth agape as Rei continued. By that time, Kensuke and Toji had appeared at Shinji's side,
also completely surprised by what Rei was doing.

Rei: "And of course, there is also the 'secret Masonic handshake'."

One of Asuka's eyebrows then rose, as her face became the very definition of skeptical.

Asuka: "And you happen to know the secret Masonic handshake?"

Rei: "Correct."

Asuka: "HOW do you know it?"

Rei: "Lt. Aoba once told me of how his father, who happens to be a Mason, became inebriated one night and showed him how to do it. Feeling that I could keep a secret, he
then showed me how to do it as well."

Kensuke's eyes went wide.

Kensuke [eagerly]: "Can you show us how to do it?!"

Rei: "I do not see a reason not to. By my prediction, none of the other students gathered here will be able to memorize it enough to try it for themselves. Pilot Sohryu, if you
would indulge me..."

Asuka, not losing an ounce of her skepticism, sighed and held her hand out, while Rei did the same with hers.
Asuka: "What the hell, why not? Sorry to all the Masons out there..."

A flock of birds flew suddenly overhead. Traffic moved at a slow pace through an intersection of the city. A fisherman cast his line out from a boat on Lake Ashi.

Back at the school, all but Rei stood there speechless, their mouths hanging open at the feat they'd just witnessed, or in Asuka's case, had been a part of.

Toji: "THAT-was-!"

Kensuke: "UN-BELIEVABLE!"

Shinji: "I didn't know a human hand could do that!"

Hikari: "HOLY-!"

Asuka: "WOW."

Rei: "Interestingly, you are the first person I have ever tried that on."

Asuka, seeing a challenge where there didn't need to be, decided to strike back.

Asuka [smugly]: "Oh? Well then, I bet you've never had any of THESE tried on you..."

She then reached out and took Rei's hand, and then proceeded to move their clasped hands back-and-forth in a sawing motion.

Asuka: "The 'lumberjack'. And for my next trick..."

She then stopped in the middle and then began squeezing Rei's hand in quick intervals, almost like a pulse.

Asuka: "The 'Heart Foundation'. And lastly..."

Asuka then released Rei's hand and then with her own two, began slightly pulling Rei's fingers down.

Asuka: "The 'dairy farmer'. They knock your socks off, First?"

Rei: "I admit, these are new to me."

Auska: "So, what's the point here, Wondergirl?"

Rei: "My point is that there are far too many handshake variants out there. Someone holds their hand out, inferring they would like you to shake it. Caught unawares, you will not
know how best to respond, and thus make a social faux pas. And I have reason to believe that the point of origin lies in the day the 'hippie' handshake was created."

Asuka and the others looked at each other, perplexed, before looked back at Rei.

Hikari: "So, you're blaming hippies?"

Rei: "I would think that one would wish to blame all of society, but further hypothesizing on my part leads me to lay the blame at the feet of the late American comedian Flip
Wilson."

The others just stared at her, even more perplexed.

All but Rei: "WHO?"

Rei: "He was, as they say, 'before our time'. My theory states that he invented it some time in the year 1972-thus, the conundrum that has bedeviled handshakes ever since is
his fault."

The others stared at Rei some more, then looked at each other, wondering just what the hell was going on.

Shinji [thinking to himself]: Things are going to be just interesting from now on, aren't they...?

END.

**Author's Note**

This little piece utilizes a bit from the early career of Mike Myers. Before he joined SNL, he honed his 'Wayne' character on many a Canadian TV show, most notably
with the 'Wayne's Power Minute' segments on the award-winning music series It's Only Rock N' Roll. For one such segment, he, as Wayne Campbell, demonstrated
his extensive knowledge of handshakes to the hosts, and laid the blame for the decline of the gesture on Flip Wilson ('That's his name, don't wear it out.') inventing
the hippie handshake. Having Rei fill in for Wayne in this case just makes it funnier (to me, at least).