Beyond Time (Beyond Book 1) Lee

Mccormick
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Beyond Time
Beyond: Book One

Lee McCormick
Copyright © 2023 by Lee McCormick

All rights reserved.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical
methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except as permitted by U.S. copyright law. For permission requests, contact Lee McCormick.
The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and
products is intended or should be inferred.
Editing by Jen Sharon
Cover help from Helen Polsi
 CONTENTS

Playlist
Trigger Warnings
About The Book
Epigraph
Before
1. Chapter 1
2. Chapter 2
3. Chapter 3
4. Chapter 4
5. Chapter 5
6. Chapter 6
7. Chapter 7
8. Chapter 8
9. Chapter 9
10. Chapter 10
11. Chapter 11
12. Chapter 12
13. Chapter 13
14. Chapter 14
15. Chapter 15
16. Chapter 16
17. Chapter 17
18. Chapter 18
19. Chapter 19
20. Chapter 20
21. Chapter 21
22. Chapter 22
23. Chapter 23
24. Chapter 24
25. Chapter 25
Epilogue
About The Author
Acknowledgements
What's Next?
Want More?
 PLAYLIST

M YthatFULL PLAYLIST FOR this novel has over 58 Songs! However, I thought I’d supply a condensed version of the songs
seemed to feature the most in my inspiration!

If I Killed Someone For You - Alec Benjamin

argyle - brakence
Every Breath You Take - Chase Holfelder
Eternally Yours - Motionless In White
Control - Halsey
You’re The One That I Want - Lo-Fang
Tear You Apart - She Wants Revenge
Closer - Nine Inch Nails
Evil Like Me - Hex Cougar
The Horror Of Our Love - Ludo
Kill For You - Zolita
Hurt Me Harder - Zolita
bury a friend - Billie Ellish
Unchained Melody - Crywolf, Roniit
Infinity - Jaymes Young

The full playlist can be found on my website!

 TRIGGER WARNINGS

H ELLO! AS YOU CAN tell from the description of this novel, we’re dealing with some morally grey characters and dark
situations. Check out my little list below to make sure everything is going to sit well with you while you’re reading! If
you’re reading and you notice a warning I didn’t list below, please, please do not hesitate to contact me so I can add it. I want
this book to be enjoyable for everyone who reads it. Thank you!
-Instant Obsession/stalking
-Blood Play/Knife Play
-Primal Play
-Drug Use
-Dubious (but enthusiastic) consent.
-Mentions of suicide
-Death/Murder/Violence (Hint: The following TW’s make this happen.)
-Mentions of past child abuse
-Mentions of past child neglect
-Medical abuse
-Use of slurs/homophobia by a shitty person being shitty
 ABOUT THE BOOK

How many times will we kill each other? How many times can we fall in love?
SETH
I always thought my world would begin and end with Jayce Walker. When a sleep study offers us life-changing money, we
jump at the opportunity. There’s only one problem: I don’t have insomnia. Bluffing my way in is easy, but getting there and
losing everything that’s ever mattered is a nightmare I can’t escape.
Jayce is gone. My only ally is a voice in my head named Clay, who insists the body walking around — the one I’ve known
and loved my entire life — belongs to a man named Kade, and he only wants one thing.
To kill me.
KADE
Most people don’t get second chances, but I did. Brought back to life by a power-hungry company, I have one thought: I want
revenge.
But... the man I’m chasing isn’t Clay. His name is Seth, and all my years of being a heartless, psychopathic killer never
prepared me for the way his wide eyes make me feel. I don’t know how to deal with the emotions still knocking around in my
chest that used to belong to someone named Jayce.
They make me question things. They make me wonder if my agenda has changed…
I want to make Seth mine.

BEYOND TIME is a dual POV dark romance with a twist on soulmates that will leave you on the edge of your seat. Prepare
yourself for scorching heat, high emotions, and a psychopath who doesn’t know what to do with all the feelings he’s suddenly
being forced to experience. Guaranteed HEA with a universe that’s wide open for exploration!
“I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times…In life after life, in age after age, forever.”
— Rabindranath Tagore
 BEFORE

I KNOW THE FEEL of a knife sliding between ribs to twist into a beating heart. It’s as familiar to me as my tongue pressing
to the seam of his lips, demanding entrance.
I don’t know which I prefer more. But I do know if anyone is going to put a blade between his ribs and twist the knife, if
anyone is going to end him…
It has to be me.
 Chapter 1

Seth

C OLLEGE STUDENTS HAD A secondary stomach to let them process ramen as a nutritional meal. It was the only thing that
explained my health still being remotely intact after cooking noodles for the fourth day in a row. Jayce’s eyes went wide
when he noticed the bright red package in my hands.
“Are we doing this again?”
“Do you have money for something else, big guy?” I had to tip my chin up to look at him so I could arch my brow in
challenge. Tattooed fingers stretched out and ruffled my honey-colored curls — I really needed a haircut. Jayce’s blue eyes
were like winter skies when he looked at most people, but they were warm when he tilted his head toward me.
“Maybe put another packet of noodles in? I’m hungry.”
“That’s what I thought.”
He walked across the small space and dumped himself onto the sagging couch. We were renting a one-room apartment, so
we ended up crawling into the lone bed together most nights.
One of my earliest memories was being friends with Jayce. He’d always been the thing hovering on my periphery, even when
we didn’t have classes together. I’d stopped growing my freshman year of high school and barely scraped 5’8”. Sometimes I
thought Jayce was still growing at twenty-two years old. He was eight inches taller than me, and his broad body didn’t give any
hints to our distinct lack of nutritional balance.
For as long as I could remember, we’d always watched out for one another, even if my contributions were more caretaker
than protector. So, when I went to serve up our less-than-spectacular meal, I dumped more noodles into his bowl than mine and
covered the action by giving myself extra broth. I could pretend I was so slender because I gave Jayce the extra food portions,
but I knew it was just my shitty genetics.
He eyed me when I sat down, his gaze and the slight downturn of his lips telling me he knew exactly what I’d done, but he
didn’t argue when I started to eat.
“Did you finish your psych essay?” I mumbled my words through a full mouth, still clear enough for him to understand. Jayce
winced at the question, and I rolled my eyes. I leaned over the table to grab my backpack and didn’t miss the distinct sound of
him tipping some of his noodles back into my bowl.
“I was busy working last night.” His tone was only slightly petulant, and his full lower lip was already sticking out in a pout.
I recognized the manipulation tactic for what it was, but I was powerless to resist him.
I took longer than I needed, fishing in my backpack. Maybe I couldn’t resist him, but I could at least make him sweat while he
stared at me through dark lashes that matched his shaggy black hair. When I slipped my thumb and forefinger apart so the
papers separated into two neatly stapled essays, his grin lit up his face.
“You know, if you ever wrote your own essay, I swear Jenkins would think you were buying it off someone.”
I couldn’t be physically protective of Jayce the way he could for me, so I took care of him in other ways. During high school,
when it was obvious I was very gay to anyone who looked at me, Jayce made sure no one gave me shit for it.
I made sure he never failed his classes when he was too busy working two jobs and not sleeping. He wasn’t an idiot. When
he had the time, he was smart as hell — but starving college students ran on fumes, and Jayce was no exception. We did
whatever we could to make things easier for each other. It wasn’t hard — it was like I’d been born for it… like we’d been
born to take care of each other.
“Come on, we’re going to be late.” I slurped another bite of noodles and drank half the broth, then upended my bowl into his
and turned to the sink. “And change your shirt before we go to class. That’s what you had on yesterday.” I wrinkled my nose at
him and made a mental note we needed to flip for laundry duty. He rolled his eyes in response and pulled the black hoodie over
his head to throw at my face, flashing me his broad, bare chest. Like always, my gaze tracked helplessly along his toned body.
Ink covered most of his exposed skin, all black and gray, and his abs were chiseled proof he took full advantage of the skimpy
gym included in our apartment and school fees. My hand came out of its own accord to poke the red birthmark splotched along
his side, a slash of crimson between his ribs.
“You’re such a mom, Seth.” He ran his fingers through my hair to tip my head back and gently poked my birthmark in return
— it was a red starburst just under my chin.
“You’re such a slob, Jayce.” I rolled my eyes, then pulled his warm hoodie over my head instead of bothering to find a
jacket. The fabric that hugged his upper body snugly hit the top of my thighs and made me look smaller than I really was. It
covered the few tattoos I’d gotten on the days I’d gone to the shop with Jayce, and engulfed me in his scent. Anyone who
looked at me would know whose hoodie I wore.
I didn’t mind.

Class was just as boring as I thought it would be. Professor Jenkins had a way of making something as fascinating as
psychology a chore. My stomach was already rumbling in hunger, and Jayce was half asleep beside me. I nudged him the few
times Jenkins threw a dirty look our way, but I had no hope he would retain the lecture. Thinking that was like thinking our
ramen would suddenly turn into steak.
Not happening.
Jayce stayed half-dozing until class was nearly over, and I stretched a leg out to kick him in the shin as Jenkins approached
us again.
“You two, can I have a word?” Panic blossomed in the pit of my stomach. Jayce sleeping didn’t reflect in his grades — I
made sure we both turned our assignments in. I realized the instant he noticed the surge of nervous emotion rippling off me. He
drew himself up to his full height and flicked his eyes between Professor Jenkins and my paling face protectively. His hand
came up and cupped the back of my neck in a familiar, possessive motion. The heat of his palm sent a shot of soothing warmth
to my fluttering nerves the moment he made contact with my skin.
Jayce’s voice was low and a little dangerous when he spoke for both of us. “What’s up?”
“My office, please?” I would have made the excuse we had another class to get to, but we both knew — and so did Jenkins
— we didn’t have shit to do after psych. We’d hang out in the lounge area sometimes after class while I got a head start on our
homework.
Jayce looked to see what I wanted to do, his eyes searching my face for an unspoken answer. I knew if I shook my head, he’d
make up a reason to get us out of there. But now that I was breathing past my initial panic, I realized this wasn’t so bad.
“S-sure.” I stuttered my response, but it was better than the irrational fear I’d felt before. Jayce’s hand dropped from my neck
to the small of my back. The pressure of his fingers was the tether I needed to stay calm.
“It’ll be fine.” He stooped down to murmur the words softly in my ear as he grabbed his backpack, but he kept himself
practically draped over my body while we followed Jenkins toward his office. My eyes turned up to his, and I bit my lower lip
with a curt nod.
He was probably right.
We didn’t actually do anything wrong. It was just a lifetime of worrying about doing something to provoke the wrath of my
stepdad, expecting any callout to result in a punishment. It only got worse after my mother died. I never knew if she did it on
purpose… I just knew she left me alone with the man that terrorized us both. If I so much as looked at Bryce funny, it usually
ended with a hand across my face — he’d conditioned me to have a volatile reaction to innocuous behavior.
The anxiety trying to claw its way out of my chest made me cling to Jayce while we followed our professor. Before, when I
was too small to stop Bryce from hitting me, Jayce got between us. Even then, Jayce was big. It didn’t matter that he was only
fourteen. What mattered was the way his eyes turned to pure, menacing ice as he uttered one word.
Just one.
Stop.
Then he’d taken me home with him.
I’d never looked back, because there was never a question that I had someone on my side from that point on. I knew we were
closer than most people, and maybe there was a little co-dependency to our relationship, but he’d always felt like a part of me.
It wasn’t really something either of us questioned or felt the need to define. People needed labels like friends or lovers, but
we didn’t. We were just us. We were all that mattered.
He kept himself a step ahead of me when we got to the office, and when the aging psych professor held out two sheets of
paper, Jayce took them both and eyed them before he finally passed one back to me.
“It seems like something you two would be interested in. We did those evaluations when we worked on our hypnosis unit
earlier this semester. And Mr. Walker here looks like he never sleeps.” Jenkins’ eyes flickered to Jayce, who… had the worst
case of insomnia I’d ever seen in my life. He wasn’t wrong there. “And you do whatever he does, right, Mr. Wilder?”
He regarded me coolly, and my jaw clenched so hard my teeth ached. I didn’t need to feel irritated or defensive, but I did.
“Yeah, so what? We’re college students — we don’t have time to sleep.”
 It was a lie. I slept like a baby every single night. I knew it. Jayce knew it. Jenkins didn’t, because he continued.
“Well, it’s just a clinical trial. You’ll go a few nights a week for a month or two, and they’ll pay you well.” He lifted one
shoulder in a shrug, like he didn’t actually care if we took the offer. “They’re looking for a handful of participants to start as
soon as possible, and the two of you fit the bill. I thought you might want a heads-up before I post it on the bulletin board
tomorrow.”
He’d never been kind to us before, but I’d never really given him a chance to be anything. I frowned suspiciously and looked
closer at the paper.

$500 a week.
One to three month trial.
Insomnia studies.

My eyes widened. Between Jayce and me, if we both collected that kind of payout…
“That’s a lot of noodles.” Jayce’s voice was a soft murmur against my temple, like he knew exactly what I was thinking. I
pulled my lower lip between my teeth and worried it for a second before flicking my eyes up to Jenkins.
“This won’t interfere with school at all?” With the compensation they were offering, there had to be some kind of catch.
There had to be some kind of drawback if they paid that much.
“No, it shouldn’t. They mostly want to try a few different sleep aids with no drowse-inducing effects the next day. You’ll be
required to stay there once or twice a week so they can observe you while you undergo the trial.”
It sounded so easy — a bed, a few pills to help you sleep…
And someone observing, which would show them right away how much of a liar I was. My eyes flicked to Jayce again, but
he was focused on the sheet. He was going to do it — of course, he was going to do it. He wasn’t the kind of person who
would pass up such a golden opportunity to make so much money for practically no effort.
The thing was, I didn’t want him to do it without me. If something bad happened, or they gave him weird drugs or messed
with his already messed up sleep schedule, I wanted to be there with him. I needed to be there to take care of him.
“We’ll call them when we get home.” And then, because I’d had manners beaten into me, I added softly, “Thanks, Professor
Jenkins.”
“No problem, Seth. I hope it works out for you.” He leaned back in his desk chair and picked up a stack of papers,
effectively dismissing us without another glance.
I was more than happy to retreat, and Jayce was hot on my heels. He waited until we were out of the Behavioral Science
building before he murmured what I’d been worried about, though the deep rumble of his voice was more amused than
anything. “Hey, Seth? You don’t have insomnia. At all.”
I grinned up at him with a small shrug. “I can fabricate it for a few days, right?”
“You can barely stay awake when you’re watching your favorite movies.”
It was true, but it didn’t change my decision. I’d figure out something. There was no way I was passing up a few thousand a
month just because I could sleep when Jayce didn’t. I sometimes blamed myself for his insomnia. I could remember spending
the night at his house, curled up on the corner of his bed and shivering. My paranoia that Bryce was going to show up kept me
from closing my eyes until Jayce put himself between me and the doorway with a soft smile and a gentle promise he’d watch
out for me.
He seemed to take the promise seriously. I’d never worried about something sneaking up on me while I was sleeping again.
And Jayce slept a little less ever since.
“I’ll figure something out. They have coffee that’s supposed to keep you awake for twenty-four hours.” I kept my tone
innocently conversational, though I had a feeling coffee alone wouldn’t cut it in this situation. I had to come up with a way to
make my insomnia believable to trained scientists.
I wasn’t going to worry Jayce with my plans. The less he knew about any illicit dealings I had, the better.
“Just don’t drink so much you get heart palpitations. I’m sure they’re going to question your caffeine intake when we get
there.” He bumped my shoulder gently, and I twisted my head to smile up at him. I loved when he worried about me, honestly.
That wasn’t going to stop me from taking advantage of his trust. It was for his own good, after all. What he didn’t know
wouldn’t hurt him.
If we both ended up getting a few extra thousand for three months, we could save it all and have a deposit for a nicer
apartment than the shithole where we currently lived. That kind of money could change our lives, and I wouldn’t let him
shoulder the weight of earning it all on his own.

My skewed sense of honor had me slinking out of the apartment as soon as Jayce left for his shift at the local car detailing
shop. Mickey lived a few blocks away, and even though he wasn’t the best guy when it came to things like being legal and…
well… staying on the right side of the law, he was still solid when you needed him.
Yes, he sold drugs. And yes, there was never a guarantee he wouldn’t try to convince you the new designer pill would help
you finish your entire study session on a cloud. It didn’t matter to me. He was solid because he’d always been there when I
called. The few times we’d gotten sick and hadn’t been able to afford a doctor, Mickey brought us antibiotics. He’d sold us
painkillers at a discount when Jayce twisted his ankle at work so he could go in the next day.
He was shady, but he was on our side. When you didn’t trust many people, loyalty counted for everything.
I knocked on his door without bothering to shoot him a text first. I didn’t think Jayce would see my messages, but the last
thing I needed was any kind of digital trail of my misdeed. I’d brought the paper Jenkins gave us with me, and it sat in my
pocket like it was trying to burn a hole.
“Hey, Seth, didn’t expect you here.” Mickey’s light green eyes flickered behind me, and he ran his fingers through dirty blond
hair as he glanced around the hall expectantly. “Where’s your shadow?”
He knew Jayce was usually with me when we came to visit.
Jayce was usually with me, period.
“He’s at work. And anyway, he doesn’t need to know I’m here.” Mickey’s eyes widened at the deceit in my voice, but he
chuckled with a wink.
“Good on you, man. Sometimes you have to walk on the wild side.”
I rolled my eyes. That wasn’t what this was about. Not really. Mickey stepped back, and I slipped into his apartment and felt
a small sigh of envy escape me. Maybe what he did wasn’t exactly ethical, but it certainly seemed to make plenty of money.
Where our apartment was dingy, and our furniture thrifted, Mickey’s place was clean. You could tell his couch came from a
store instead of the street. He did well for himself.
I pulled the paper out of my pocket and handed it to him. Jayce was at work, but my stomach was still twisting in knots about
doing this behind his back. What if he came home for some reason, and I wasn’t there? What if he asked me where I’d been?
I wouldn’t be able to lie to him if he asked outright.
“I have a bit of a situation.” I watched him unfold the paper and his eyes skim across the words. He arched a brow and fixed
me with an incredulous look.
“Man, you fell asleep during one of my house parties last year. You don’t have insomnia.”
I took the sheet and tucked it into my pocket. “I know. But I thought you might have something to… uh… help them think I
do?”
Mickey’s eyes flashed knowingly, and he actually had the audacity to shoot me with a finger gun. “I see what you mean. Let’s
see what we’ve got.” He went to his kitchen and opened up a cabinet. Sometimes, his boldness baffled me. Either he had
something worked out with the police department, or he was so drugged he didn’t realize keeping things out in the open was a
liability. Since I’d always heard taking your own stock was a way to get in trouble, I had to assume it was the former.
“I’m not sure if they’re going to give us blood tests or what. I could get away with saying I have ADHD,” which I probably
did. “Or, if you have something organic they wouldn’t think to look for…”
I never knew what Mickey had in stock, so I left it up to him. By the wide array of colors and shapes spilling onto the
countertop as he pulled down baggies and bottles, I knew he was going to come through for me.
“So… hmm, you need a stimulant.” He sifted through the piles he’d made in front of me, his fingers pointing to different
bottles as he spoke. “This one will keep you awake, but if they test you, they’ll know you’re a fucking liar.” He pushed another
bottle forward. “This is your run-of-the-mill ADHD medication. I could probably get you a forged prescription, but they might
still disqualify you.”
I glanced back and forth between the bottles, then to his face. A frown crossed my lips, and I sat back on my heels with an
exasperated sigh.
“It would be best if it was something they weren’t looking for, I think. From what I’m gathering, they aren’t going to make us
stay there very often. I need something that wouldn’t interact with the drugs they’re giving us, too. So…” I batted my lashes
pleadingly. When he kept staring, I steepled my hands and thrust out my lower lip. “Please, Mickey. This money could change
our lives. Jayce deserves it, you know?”
“Seth, you know you deserve…” Mickey started, then his fingers snapped. “Wait a minute.” He rushed off and grabbed his
backpack. After a second of fishing around, he came up with a small baggie. The tiny red pills inside didn’t look familiar, and
they didn’t match anything on his counter. “This is a brand-new thing, not even on the market yet. The guy I got it from said it’s
guaranteed to keep you up for forty-eight hours straight, no problem. And the best thing is, I guess it’s made of some kind of…”
he wiggled his fingers and pulled a face. “Mushroom or something? They shouldn’t be able to detect it. Or at least, they
shouldn’t be looking for it. Totally organic, you know?”
I eyed the bag. Trying something that wasn’t clinically approved could be dangerous. I knew that.
Jayce would be pissed if he knew what I was up to.
But… I was doing it for him. And weren’t we going to be lab rats for unproven drugs, anyway? I was just getting started
early.
After another second of indecision, I nodded. “Yeah, that sounds good.” I kicked at the floor for a minute and rocked back
and forth. “I can either pay you once we get our first check, or I can do a few papers for you.” Mickey was also in the business
of selling essays to desperate college kids. While I didn’t like to do it very often, since I was already busy doing double the
work, we’d come to a bartering agreement when I couldn’t afford what we needed from him.
His eyes gleamed. “Papers sound fair. Let’s say… six?”
I winced. For all I knew, the drugs were worth way more. I had no baseline for comparison.
“Sure.” I nodded before I could talk myself into changing my mind, and took the baggie from him. “Can you, uh…” I frowned
again, hating the words about to come out of my mouth. “Please, don’t tell Jayce about this, okay?”
For just a second, Mickey’s gaze softened. He knew our situation — he knew we did what we could to take care of each
other. His hand came up, and he squeezed my shoulder once.
Softly.
But it was enough to make me smile.
“No problem, Seth. Take care of yourself, man.”
I pulled back and bumped his shoulder with my fist. “Thanks. Text me with the essay details when you get them.”
It was probably a good thing I was going to be stuck awake for forty-eight hours straight, because I suddenly had a lot of
work to do.

I took the little red pill eight hours before we were supposed to show up for the trial. The last thing I needed was to deal with
some weird side effects, because I hadn’t tried it out first. Nothing strange happened. I could feel my heart beating a little
faster, and I felt slightly jittery. The normal exhaustion that hung like a cloak across my body was nowhere to be seen.
It was… nice. I forced myself to make a mental note: I would not take these unless I needed them, because this was a feeling
I could get used to.
And of course, Jayce instantly noticed I was perkier than usual.
“Did you drink extra coffee to make sure you were awake tonight?” He smiled fondly as he brought a hand up to smooth my
curls from my forehead.
I nodded, my insides jerking uncomfortably with the lie. Dishonesty wasn’t something we did with one another — ever —
and I hated doing it now.
But I hated the thought of not making the money more. I hated the thought of him being there alone when he already had two
jobs. I’d do this with him. Nothing bad was happening from the pills, as far as I could tell.
It was going to be okay.
I told myself that as we got out of the car at a strange building with white walls. Jayce tapped me gently under my chin,
fingers grazing across my birthmark as we got out. “Ready for this?”
“Yeah. Let’s go make some easy money.” I prodded him on his ribs, and he caught my wrist. It was easy for him to yank me
against his body, and easier still for him to wrap me up in his arms.
“Listen, if they try to give you anything that makes you uncomfortable, or if the drugs seem unsafe, just text me. We’ll bail,
okay? We don’t need the money that bad.” But we did. I knew it. He knew it. And then, almost as an afterthought, he added, “I
can pick up some extra shifts.”
I nodded, even though I knew there was no way I was going to let him work more than he already did. He was exhausted as it
was — if he picked up extra shifts, he’d end up falling asleep at the wheel or at work.
“We’ll be fine. Maybe they’ll just watch us sleep tonight. Easy money.”
He kept staring at me, his eyes sweeping over my face one more time before he nodded. “Right.” We walked to the door, but
his broad arm shot out and stopped me when I reached for the handle. He leaned in without warning and brushed a soft kiss
across my mouth. It sent a shot of tingles along my nerve endings, and made my already rapidly beating heart nearly vibrate my
ribs. We usually reserved our physical affections for when we were alone, wrapped up in bed together, or watching movies on
the couch. It was a habit from years of hiding safely behind his bedroom walls. There was something about us that wasn’t for
the rest of the world.
When he swiped his tongue across my lips and pulled back, I looked at him with a soft smile. “What was that for?”
He had the grace to look a little embarrassed, but he brought a hand up and brushed his thumb across my birthmark instead. “I
don’t know. I just felt like it.”
I poked his side, and he smiled at me softly before we stepped through the doors.
 Chapter 2

Jayce

I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND THE weird feeling in my chest, the one that made me kiss Seth before we entered the facility. I
only knew something inside me was thrumming with a pulse of trepidation. It could have had something to do with Seth
acting a little off today — he said he was hopped up on caffeine, but it felt like something else. I wasn’t used to Seth lying to
me.
So maybe that was throwing me off?
It could have to do with the worry that we were going to be fed some kind of fucked up medication with weird side effects. I
didn’t care about what happened to me; I could take whatever they threw my way. But Seth insisted on doing this with me, and I
didn’t want to think about anything bad happening to him. Whenever I did, something in my chest twisted. It was a dark feeling,
something ugly and vicious, curled in the back of my mind and flashing teeth. It threatened to crawl out and kill anything that
tried to hurt Seth.
That dark thing made me go to his house after he’d come to stay with me. I never told him about it. I never told Seth I’d
cornered his stepdad and put a knife to his throat, then warned him if he ever showed his face again, I’d finish the job.
I was a teenager — I was stupid and impulsive. But, when Seth came to my house, and I’d spent a half hour cleaning up cuts
and tending to bruises, I’d felt something stirring in my chest. When I’d had to spend another three hours sitting guard until he
finally fell asleep…
Well, my dark, twisted parts came out. For once, I didn’t fight them.
Other than the initial blows we exchanged, I didn’t hurt him. I’d wanted to hurt him, but I knew better. I’d seen the fear in his
eyes while I thought about it. It satisfied a part of me, knowing I’d scared him. It felt good, knowing he’d never hurt Seth again.
So maybe we both kept some secrets. I couldn’t begrudge Seth his when I’d never uttered a hint of mine.
We made our way to the counter. A prim-looking woman sat at a computer, typing away on a screen as though my boot-clad
feet didn’t make enough noise to alert her of our arrival. She only looked up when Seth stepped forward and politely cleared
his throat with a soft, “Excuse me?”
After ignoring him for a few more seconds, which forced my irritation to bubble to the surface, she finally turned cool brown
eyes to Seth with an arched brow.
“Yes?”
“We’re, uh… here for the trial? We had a referral and called to confirm… um.” He held out the flier Jenkins gave us and
flipped it over to show the reference number on the back. She stared at his hand like he was trying to give her something
disgusting, and I watched him recoil from her scathing expression. I took the paper carefully from his fingers and thrust it into
her face.
“They told us not to be late.” My voice held a flat tone that didn’t reflect the irritation in my eyes. I was already keyed up
from whatever weird feeling I had. I didn’t need someone treating Seth like shit because he was too shy to be vocal about what
he wanted.
She tried to level me with the same glare she had Seth, but her gaze quickly dropped when I didn’t blink or cower under the
weight of her pretentiousness.
“Down the hall and to the left. Take your paper with you. You’ll need the number.” I snatched it back before Seth could and
stuffed it into my pocket.
“Thank you,” he murmured as we walked away, and it only took him a few steps down the hall before he bumped into my
arm. “You’re in a mood.”
“She was being a bitch.” I offered my answer with no remorse, and he let out a soft peal of laughter.
“You’re in a mood.” He said it again, emphasizing the last word slowly.
And maybe I was, but I’d never take it out on him. I smiled instead and nudged him back gently. “I’m just tired. But hey,” I let
optimism I didn’t feel bleed into my voice. “Who knows? Maybe they’ll figure out how to cure my insomnia.”
 I doubted it, since I knew it was self-inflicted. Years of staying awake to make sure he could sleep, paired with working odd
jobs whenever I could, had ingrained the behavior permanently into my mind.
“Maybe,” he let his voice spill brightly through the hushed room, though eyes turning at the word made him shrink in on
himself. I would have hidden him behind me if I could have, but an older man stepped in our path and ushered us forward.
“Reference numbers?” His level of impatience was only a little unsettling. I stuck my hand into my pocket and pulled out the
paper for him without another word. He scanned it against something on his phone and nodded. “Perfect. Follow me.”
We trailed behind him through a twist of sterile hallways, and I resisted the urge to reach out and take Seth’s hand in mine.
Whatever this weird feeling was, I needed to stop it. Nothing was going to happen tonight, and we’d already made the promise
to call one another and duck out if it was too weird. Still, when the man in front of us ushered Seth toward a different room than
mine for intake, I balked.
Seth turned his soft hazel eyes to me, though they looked more brown than green in the washed-out lighting. His pupils were
huge. It was too much to be from caffeine alone, but I didn’t say anything. I frowned and reached out to tap my finger under his
chin — he prodded my side at the same time. The motion was soothing, but I still had to fight the urge to wrap my arm around
his waist and bodily haul him out of the building.
“See you soon,” he murmured. His hand twitched like he wanted to reach out to me again, but he took a breath instead and
followed the nurse through the doorway behind him.
My eyes lingered until the door closed, and I turned to follow the doctor at my side.
“Are you two close?” he asked, his voice sounding mildly interested. I didn’t know if he was trying to gain my trust or if he
actually cared, but either way, I wasn’t going to tell him shit.
“You could say that.”
That was it. I didn’t owe him any kind of explanation for the relationship I couldn’t manage to define. Seth was…
He was everything. We weren’t together in the sense we called each other boyfriend… but I couldn’t see us apart. I’d never
wanted to be with someone else, and I knew he hadn’t, either. It was strange, but it was ours. It had always been ours, from the
first second we met.
“That’s nice. Having both of you on the trial together will be interesting. You’ll influence one another’s sleeping habits, I’m
sure.” I wanted to ask him how he knew about us at all, but I could only assume the answer was Jenkins. He’d referred us here,
so there was every chance he’d told them what he knew about us, and he knew we were living together. He saw us sitting
together every day.
He’d bitched at me more than once for falling asleep on Seth’s shoulder during his class.
I brought one hand up to slick my hair out of my face and followed him as he curved into another room. “Natalie will take
down your information, then we’ll get started.”
He made to leave, but I body-blocked him by sidestepping and angled my head to look down at him through narrowed eyes.
“What are we doing tonight?”
“Not much.” He acted unfazed by my proximity and the height I was intentionally trying to intimidate him with. He just
glanced down at his phone, made a note, and arched a brow at me in curiosity. “We’ll get your intake information and run you
through some simple sleeping exercises. We need to test your reaction to calming techniques like hypnosis, and then observe
you while you rest here for the night.”
I carefully processed his words and stepped to the side with a nod. That was fine. We could deal with prodding and
questions.
I couldn’t shake the sense of unease trickling through me, though, and I’d already decided I was going to tell Seth we weren’t
doing this again. They paid a small fee for showing up the first night. We’d both get our money and get out. It wasn’t life-
changing like the full amount would be, but it would be enough to buy something better than ramen to eat. We could figure out
the money situation some other way.
Something was off about this whole thing.
“Okay. Fine.” I jerked my chin up in a nod and turned to follow the nurse into the room.
“It’s a pleasure having you here, Mr. Walker. I’m sure we’ll all get something out of this experience.”
As if my creeped-out feeling wasn’t enough, the way he spoke tempted me to pull my phone out and text Seth immediately.
Screw the few hundred bucks, I could donate plasma.
But the nurse was already ushering me forward, and as weird as Dr. Creepy was, she seemed friendly. She smiled with
pretty pink lips and took down my name, phone number, address, and birthdate. She asked if I was on any medication, and
questioned me about my sleeping habits. Half the things were questions I’d already filled out on the processing survey to see if
I qualified for the trial.
Maybe they were testing our answers against each other to see if we’d faked anything? I certainly hadn’t.
But Seth… an image of his blown-out pupils danced behind my lids, and I frowned.
“All right, Mr. Walker. If you could just lie back on the table? We’re going to dim the lights, and Dr. Northman will be back
to see you shortly. Try to relax.”
 Her soothing voice was enough to coax me into following instructions, even if I still felt apprehensive. As soon as she left
the room, my mind spiraled.
This was a bad idea. I couldn’t shake the way the man — I was assuming Dr. Northman — looked at me. I couldn’t get rid of
the sensation that something was off about the whole thing. The more I thought about it, the more I realized maybe it was just
too good to be true. We’d trusted it at face value because one of our professors recommended it to us, but I’d never liked
Jenkins to begin with…
My hand went to my pocket, and I pulled my phone out. I pushed myself into a sitting position and thumbed over Seth’s name.
ME:
SETH
ME:
MAYBE WE SHOULDN’T DO THIS I CAN PICK UP SOME EXTRA SHIFTS IDK MAN I’M GETTING WEIRD VIBES
I was about to punch in that I was going to come and get him when something sharp stung the side of my neck. My eyes flew
wide, and I tried to twist to look behind me. My fingers clenched on my phone, but the best I could do was slide it into the
pocket of my hoodie so they couldn’t see what I was texting as my body went limp.
Above me, the pretty nurse with the pink lips held a syringe. The blue eyes that looked so sweet before were glancing over
me like I was livestock now.
“Okay, Mr. Walker. Let’s get started.” She smiled and grabbed my wrist, strapping it to the table at my side. I was boneless
beneath her touch, and my eyes narrowed.
“What… are you d-doing?” Even my voice sounded weak to me.
“We’re going to see if we can get Mister…” She paused to check her chart for a name, then beamed at me. “Neil to come out.
Don’t worry. This will all be over soon.”
The way she said over held a finality I didn’t like. And when she strapped my other wrist to the table, the edges of my vision
were already eating away to black.
My phone vibrated in my pocket, and either she didn’t notice or she didn’t care. She just moved to strap my ankles to the
table as I managed one more word.
The only word that really mattered.
“Seth…”
Then everything went dark.

Kade

My first breath felt like a pull of fire in my lungs. My mind flashed — I remembered Clay, his hazel eyes wide and full of a
mixture of fury and anguish I hadn’t been able to decipher. I remembered the press of his lips against mine and the sensation of
a sharp blade twisting between my ribs, making the next exhalation of my breath stain his tongue crimson with blood.
I remembered ragged pulls of air, hands holding me tight and a soft voice saying something over and over again, but my mind
was too fuzzy to make it out.
Then I remembered fading away.
My eyes flicked open, and my world instantly felt off-kilter. Something was different. Something was wrong, because I’d
died when Clay took his knife to my chest. I knew, because I was the one who taught him how to angle a blade to make
someone bleed out internally. It lessened the mess you had to clean up — your first thrust needed to hit something vital so you
could get away as quickly as possible.
“What the fuck?” I snarled the words out, but my voice sounded rough.
And it didn’t sound exactly like my voice. My brows pulled together in confusion.
My fingers flexed, and I drew in another slow, shaking breath. I kept expecting to feel pain in my lungs, but there was…
nothing.
When my eyes fluttered closed in an attempt to collect my thoughts, I got flashes behind my lids — memories that weren’t my
own of two young men coming to this place together. Fierce protectiveness, the urge to go to him. The urge to leave. And a
name, over and over again.
Seth, Seth, Seth.
My head spun with memories that made no sense because they weren’t mine.
But they felt so familiar.
“Ah, you’re finally with us, Mr. Neil.” My attention snapped to an older man standing in front of me. My instant reaction was
to surge forward, and I found myself stopped by leather straps biting into my wrists. “Calm down — when you’ve gathered
yourself, I’ll explain what’s happening. Until then,” he gestured to my bound wrist with an arch of one scraggly, unmaintained
brow. “I think everyone in the facility will feel a little safer if you’re restrained.”
I said nothing, but my attention focused on the leather around my wrists. If they really wanted to keep me in place, they
should have used metal cuffs.
The man who stood in front of me looked me over with a wary expression that said he knew about me — he used my last
name, my actual last name, so obviously he had some information.
If he had any idea who I really was and what I was capable of, he would have taken more precautions.
And what in the fuck was going on? My head was still spinning with a rush of thoughts that weren’t mine, mixed with vicious
memories of Clay sinking the knife I’d given him for his birthday into my heart.
I leaned back carefully, twisting my wrists beneath the leather to see how much room I had to work with. My tongue darted
out to wet my lips, and I flicked my eyes down the length of my body.
There were tattoos all over my torso — ink I didn’t remember putting there. Along my ribs, where I’d witnessed blood
dripping and metal protruding, was a splotch of red.
There was a birthmark over the exact place where Clay stabbed me, like some bastardized legacy of his betrayal painted on
flesh.
Flesh paler than mine, and slightly more toned.
“What’s going on?” I asked again, letting my tongue wrap around how my voice was different, the way a metal barbell
pierced through the muscle felt against the roof of my mouth.
The man in front of me made a note on a clipboard he was holding before he turned his eyes back to me and tilted his head in
curiosity.
“What’s the last thing you remember, Mr. Neil?”
For a moment, my mind warred — Clay stabbing me… and then holding me after.
A boy named Seth, looking at me with wide hazel eyes and a confused expression.
“I was…” I trailed off slowly. What was I supposed to tell him? I didn’t make a habit of divulging my secrets to strangers
unless I intended to kill them, and I certainly wasn’t going to start when I was completely clueless about what was happening. I
didn’t even know where I was or how I’d gotten here.
Was this hell?
Was I paying for the sins painting my soul black? Was I paying for reaching out with greedy fingers and smudging that paint
on Clay’s heart?
I shook the idiotic thoughts away and twisted my wrists again — they’d given the restraints room, like the person who
strapped them wanted to make sure they weren’t too tight, that they weren’t cutting my circulation off. They had a conscience.
Mistake.
Rule number one: Never feel sorry for the psychopathic killer you’re trying to restrain. It won’t work out for you in the end.
“Take your time,” the man in front of me continued calmly. “The process of bringing you here was probably hard on your
memories, and I don’t know how much of Mr. Walker’s thoughts remain.”
Walker.
Jayce Walker.
It was the name of one of those faces in my head. It was so familiar to me that my mind responded to hearing it.
I glanced down the length of my body again and let the metal in my mouth click across my teeth curiously. Obviously,
something was wrong. The planes of my frame looked familiar, but slightly… off.
“I remember being stabbed.” I finally settled on what to say, twisting my wrists again silently as I did so. My legs were
restrained as well, but the man in front of me was standing close enough it didn’t matter.
And he held a sharp pen in his hand. He was practically asking for trouble.
“You were.” He confirmed my suspicions, but I didn’t need him to tell me. I remembered it clearly. What I couldn’t work out
was why I was here now. Why I wasn’t hurt?
It would have taken a long time for my wound to heal, for the tattoos I hadn’t had before to heal. And I had a birthmark I
didn’t remember instead of a scar. It was all off.
“So why am I here?”
He leaned in closer, his eyes wide with fascination. “That’s just the thing. We weren’t positive we could bring you here.
There are so many variables in play with past lives, Mr. Neil. We have this set up all over the country with multiple subjects,
and we find they’re usually born back into the world in the same place where they died —”
“Died?” I tried to cut him off, but he kept going. My body went stiff. I had died. I’d felt my heart stop. But then…
“When we found Mr. Walker, who looked so similar to you, who was born the day you passed, who had the birthmark where
you were fatally wounded, well… we could only hope we’d picked the right subject. When we learned his roommate had the
same mark as Mr. Sutherland’s —”
“Clay’s here?” A wash of fury pulsed through me, and my shock from his words wore off in a quick surge of adrenaline. I
twisted my wrists and felt the leather pull against my skin viciously. It was rough enough to tear, and the wet sting of blood
gave me the lubrication I needed to slide free. I moved forward in a practiced, liquid motion and brought one hand around his
neck, while the other snatched his pen from his fingers. The sharp tip pressed hard against the pulse hammering in his throat as
I yanked him back against my chest. “Take me to him. Right now.”
Though I could feel the rapid beat of his heart where I held him, the man in my arms laughed. “Oh! It seems like your skills
carried over into this body. That’s perfect. Fascinating. It’s everything we —”
I increased the pressure of the pen, aware of the moment it pierced his flesh. He stilled in my arms.
“Where’s Clay?”
I wanted to ask if they had weapons, because I didn’t want to take Clay out with a pen. I wanted sharp implements. I wanted
to draw it out.
I wanted to make him suffer for the way he’d betrayed me.
The man laughed again, entirely too delighted for the precarious situation he was in. I didn’t have to look up to know when
people came into the room, but my eyes rose to take count. The guns they held in their hands drew my curiosity. It was a model
I’d never seen before. Sleek and black and pristine.
“I’m afraid Mr. Sutherland passed away —”
I didn’t understand the sharp sting in my chest. “But you said...”
“He died twenty-two years ago, two days after you did.”
I kept my eyes trained on the guns in front of me, but my words were all for the man I was holding.
“What are you talking about? I’m standing here. I’m obviously not dead.”
“Not anymore.” He sounded so fucking smug. I wanted to drive the pen into his neck just to prove to him I didn’t give a shit
about what he had to say. Only… I did. Clay was dead?
Then why did he say…
“Okay,” I spoke very softly, very carefully… and then I dug the pen into his neck just a little more. Just enough to make him
wince, and to watch those guns train carefully on where my head was hidden behind his. “I want you to tell me what’s going on.
Be clear, be concise. If you aren’t, I’m going to run this pen through your neck — they might shoot me afterward, but you’ll still
be just as dead, I can promise you that.”
There was no room for doubt in my voice, no room for him to think I was anything less than serious. He swallowed hard and
made an affirmative noise in his throat, then turned his attention to the men in front of him.
“It’s okay. We should have taken more care with his restraints. I think once we explain the situation to him, Kade will be on
our side.”
Why did him saying my name sound so strange… feel so wrong? My brain still echoed with the other name he’d said before.
Jayce.
My fingers flexed on the pen, and I nudged him with my other hand. “Start talking.”
His voice was calm as he spoke the impossible.
 Chapter 3

Seth

T HE LAST THING I remembered was my phone buzzing, typing out a message to Jayce, and then a pained sensation in my
neck and everything going black. I’d been in the room, lying through my teeth about the lack of medication I was on and my
very real, very life-hindering insomnia I’d never experienced before. My stomach had been in knots since they’d separated me
from Jayce.
And then…
I woke, and the nurse who’d led me into the room observed me with a curious expression. “Mr. Sutherland?”
I blinked in confusion. That wasn’t my name. It wasn’t the name I put on my intake form. How did they —
“Yes?” The voice spilled out of me before I could stop it. My head was still spinning, my heart rate a little too rapid from the
drugs I’d taken… but the voice that came out of me seemed to have a will of its own.
“How are you feeling?”
“What’s going on?” The question was mine this time, and I closed my eyes and leaned back in confusion.
“I know this may come as a shock to your system, but you’re alive, sir.”
Of course I was. What kind of stupid statement was —
I remembered the cool feel of metal against my chin and the fear pulsing in my heart at the sensation. I’d completed my
mission, I’d been paid handsomely, and it all meant nothing because…
“What’s going on?” This time, I wasn’t sure where the question came from. The vision flashing behind my eyes wasn’t
anything I recognized. It wasn’t a life I’d ever lived, but it seemed so real. I could almost feel the cold press of the gun, the way
my stomach was rolling in anxiety, the way it bit into my skin… right where my birthmark was.
Right where I’d been shot.
“I know. It’s a lot to take in. But if you’ll give me a moment, I’ll try to explain everything.”
It wasn’t like I could argue. I tried to raise my hand to push my hair out of my face and found it strapped to the chair that I
was sitting in.
“I —” But wherever the strange voice came from welled up to take control again, and I nodded without meaning to.
“Our company specializes in finding the most elite, trained killers from all eras, to fight for our government. You were one
candidate with top potential. I’m sure you’re familiar with our branch, since you were deeply entrenched in government
assassination and what we were trying to accomplish. Unfortunately for us, you were not available for recruitment because of
your…” She wrinkled her nose. “Uh… untimely demise."
I could remember my fingers trembling when the gun pressed to my chin. It was almost ironic, that it would end like this.
I’d accepted blood money, so —
“It’s unclear what happened after you eliminated Mr. Neil. We’ve conducted research since then on the theory that a person
never truly leaves this world. If matter is never really created or destroyed, it stands to reason your energy, your essence, who
you were, transferred to another body upon death.” She gestured to me. “This body was always made to house your soul.
Reincarnation is a thing, and you were born again under the name of Seth Wilder.”
I stared at her like she was insane, but the voice in my head was telling me to be very still and very quiet.
Otherwise, I don’t think either of us will get out of here.
I wondered if I was tripping on the drugs Mickey gave me. The part of me that always attuned itself to the prospect of self-
preservation remained quiet.
“Go on.” The voice that wasn’t my voice said again — if the woman was to be believed, it was the voice of… Mr.
Sutherland? A… past life?
This was so impossible.
 “Our company has spent the last ten years developing a drug that can wake the potential of our past lives. In small
concentrations, it can wake up latent talents in a person, enhancing their abilities while not giving up the full potential of the
prior life. In extreme doses, it can completely remove the personality and thoughts of the current consciousness to reseat the
prior life. The theory is the soul is never really killed, just placed in its next form — and your memories and abilities remained
asleep in the shared space. We simply tapped into those memories and woke you up, effectively putting them in place of the
person who once occupied the body. Today, we tested our theory on two individuals.”
Panic seized my chest.
“Two?”
“Mr. Wilder came in with another gentleman by the name of Jayce Walker.” The corner of her mouth quirked slightly, and she
stared at me, as though ready to note down my reaction. “Imagine our surprise when we found a man with a birthmark across
his ribs who died two days before you.”
“No.”
I didn’t know who croaked the word, but the panic seizing through me was doubled.
“Yes. You see, we aren’t in the business of securing second best. We aren’t sure what transpired between you and Mr. Neil,
so we’re going to run a living simulation. Whichever one of you makes it out alive will be selected for our program.”
I felt mute. Completely and utterly confused — and wherever the voice inside of me came from, I could feel their terror
clawing at my throat.
“You have to be joking.”
“You’re more than welcome to stay in this room and see, but I can promise you Mr. Neil won’t have the same qualms as
yourself. I’m sure he’d be more than pleased to pay you back for your last encounter.” The smile, which seemed so warm
before, was cold now. I had to believe this was all a bad trip, a bad dream, a side effect of the drug I never should have taken.
I wasn’t in control of myself when the woman stood. “The exit is down the hall and to your left. We’ll give you an hour
before we release him. Either go on the offensive and show us you took him out through skill, or move.” She pulled a bag from
the desk beside her. “You have a camera and your basic equipment here. Good luck, Mr. Sutherland.”
The restraints at my wrist didn’t release until she’d left the room, and I lurched to my feet, panic making my legs feel like
jelly.
“Jayce!” I shouted his name without thinking, but my body wasn’t listening to me. I was still swaying from whatever they’d
plunged into my neck, but my racing heart was trying to beat out of my chest.
“You took something, didn’t you?” The voice that wasn’t my voice, Mr. Sutherland — “Clay. My name is Clay.”
“Clay,” I said the name, feeling like a complete idiot speaking to myself. “This is impossible.”
“According to what the woman said, you shouldn’t be here anymore. Did you do something to ruin their experiment? Did you
take something?”
I…
“You did.” I wasn’t sure what his tone meant, but there was no inflection of question. I wondered if he could see flashes in
my mind like I’d seen of him — the impossible sensation of a gun pressed to the mark on my chin. “It doesn’t matter. This is all
impossible, but it’s happening. And if Kade Neil is in this building, I will not be here when they release him.”
He moved my body without my permission, out the door and in the direction of the exit.
I might have had no control over my body, but I could still speak. “I need to find Jayce.”
“If I read her correctly, your Jayce and my Kade are one and the same.” My feet paused briefly, my head cocking to the side.
“Did… he take the same thing you did?”
The punching sensation of regret was crippling when I gasped my answer.
“No. I didn’t tell him I was taking anything.”
“Then it’s safe to assume your Jayce isn’t here anymore. And if you don’t want to follow in his footsteps, we need to go.”
I wanted to protest, wanted to question my sanity. I wanted to ask the voice controlling me why he so easily believed what
he’d been told.
“Deeply entrenched, remember?” Clay muttered the words, and I felt my body sway. I didn’t care what he was saying — I
didn’t give a shit about what anyone told me. I needed to find Jayce.
He couldn’t be gone. He just couldn’t. I’d feel it. I’d know it.
I forced myself to pause, though it took monumental effort. I could feel my heart racing. The drugs I’d taken still pumped
through my system and made me feel jittery, but I could feel my body. I knew if I fought hard enough, I’d have control of myself
so I could turn around and go to Jayce.
I needed to go to Jayce.
“No, look. We’ll try to figure this out — I’ll try to help you figure this out. But for now, we have to put distance between this
place and you. If they find out you’re still here, we’ll both be in danger. If Kade is here, we’re as good as dead.” His voice
was harsh, firm, and maybe it was his panic bubbling up in my chest, maybe it was the fact that whatever they’d just given me
was fresh in my system… but I couldn’t fight him as he forced us out of the building, one painful step at a time.
 It felt like I’d left my heart behind.

We were a good two miles away before I had enough control to pull out my phone. My last text to Jayce was still on the screen.
ME:
I THINK YOU’RE RIGHT. WE SHOULD GO.
He hadn’t sent me anything after, and the sinking feeling in my stomach told me something was wrong.
Something was very wrong.
“We should go back,” I murmured the words, but it didn’t stop my feet from carrying me west, toward my apartment building.
It was so late, I was sure no one was around who would care if a man was talking to himself while walking down the street.
They’d probably think it was normal.
“We can’t. I don’t know how to make you understand how dangerous Kade Neil is, but I promise you, he won’t hesitate to
kill you if he realizes I’m here.” Clay’s voice was softer than before. I swayed on my feet while the world spun around me. “I
feel… strange.”
I kicked a rock in front of me in irritation. “Probably coming down off the drugs Mickey gave me.”
For a moment, he was silent. I could almost see the images flipping through my mind — papers, research, the faint
knowledge of the beginnings of the theory the woman mentioned earlier. Then Clay’s voice came again. “It would make sense if
their drug bonded with whatever you took. It’s working its way out of your system, flushing out with your pills.” I could almost
hear the slight panic in his tone. “I could disappear altogether.”
I shook my head and kept moving. “I don’t know about that. I don’t know about any of this shit. But you don’t feel like you’re
going anywhere.” I lifted my hand and ran my fingers through my hair, then pulled my phone out, punching the call button for
Jayce.
Clay tried to stop me, maybe just to see if he could, but the call rang through….
And then rang.
And rang.
Then went to voicemail.
I felt my lip quiver. Jayce always answered when I called.
“You care about him, don’t you?” Clay’s voice was full of… something. Some emotion that was a snarled tangle in my head.
Pain, longing, anger?
“He’s everything. We’ve always been everything to each other. As soon as we get settled and you explain this a little better
to me, we’re going to figure out how to get him back. Hopefully, he’ll call me.” My eyes flicked down to my phone again, and I
fought the urge to let out a choked sob. I couldn’t fall apart right now. Clay’s panic was real, and the urgency pulling me away
from the building still zinged through my nerves.
If nothing else, I knew letting them know I was still here would be a bad idea. The woman seemed so smug about erasing the
prior personality. Erasing me.
God, I hoped it was just their drug being defective, that Jayce was still…
That he was…
“I don’t think it’s their drug.” There was no confusing Clay’s tone when he spoke.
It was full of sympathy. Pity.
And for just a moment, my mind flashed with thoughts — a man who looked so much like Jayce, but with eyes the color of
copper, staring at me with a mixture of confusion and warmth. Taking my hand, showing me how to hold a knife. Whispering
softly in my ear.
I may not feel much, but I know I want to keep you.
The shiver racing through my body didn’t belong to me.
“Stop that.” Clay’s protests were weak, and I frowned.
“I didn’t mean to. Was that… was that your memory?” Realizing how insane I sounded, I laughed aloud. “God damn, am I
going to wake up soon? I have to be going crazy.”
“For someone going crazy, you’re certainly taking this well.” Clay’s voice was a chide of my earlier taunt to him.
“What else am I supposed to do? It was beat into me at a young age to take things in stride.” I shrugged and rounded the
corner to my apartment. “Either I’ll wake up and Jayce will yell at me for taking bad drugs, I’m dying and this is some fucked
up version of limbo, or this is real. The only way to figure out what’s true is to keep moving, you know?”
Clay was silent in my mind as he sifted through my memories. I couldn’t fight him on it, so I let it happen.
“You haven’t had an easy life, have you?” There were so many things I could have said in response. Being desensitized to
how screwed up things were came to me far too easily as a child. Even though Jayce took me from my house, even though he
did his best to keep me safe, it didn’t erase the fact that I knew the world was a fucked up place, and I’d experienced it
firsthand. The government giving so few shits about me that they used my body as an experiment didn’t shock me. After all,
they’d left me with my stepdad even though Jayce called child services on him dozens of times, because it was easier than
dealing with home checks.
“Who has?” My bitter laugh carried me up the stairs to our apartment door. I unlocked it and stepped inside. A wave of pain
instantly ripped through my chest.
I shouldn’t be here without Jayce.
I shouldn’t…
“We can’t stay long.” It wasn’t a command anymore — as my heartbeat regulated, his control on my body seemed weaker
and weaker, even if his voice was still coming through just as clearly in my mind, from my lips. “This is the first place he’ll
look for us.”
“Where am I supposed to go?” I stepped forward without waiting for him to answer, grabbing the hoodie Jayce pulled off
earlier from the couch and yanking it over my head. The familiar scent of him made my stomach clench. He’d known something
was wrong. He’d been acting so strange.
He’d kissed me.
And maybe it was the memory of his reaction that made me believe this more than anything. He’d realized, even if we hadn’t
done anything to stop it.
He’d texted me, wanting to leave.
I should have answered faster. I should have gotten up and found him before they stabbed me with the damn needle.
Maybe then…
Maybe…
“You can’t blame yourself. They’re highly trained professionals. They would have restrained you and drugged you, even if
you tried to leave.”
“It doesn’t matter. I didn’t try.” The guilt in my chest was so heavy I could barely breathe around it. It was even worse
because I could feel the logic behind his words when he insisted we had to leave. “Where am I supposed to go? I have enough
money for one night in a hotel, maybe, and then…”
“Do that for now. I can handle the rest once we get settled in.” My eyes glanced around the apartment at Clay’s insistence,
taking everything in clinically and cataloging what might be useful. “Grab whatever you think is necessary. Get any weapons
you might have—”
“Because those are just lying around everywhere.”
“And any technological devices we can use.” I felt the soft confusion in my head. “It’s been twenty-two years… I can’t
believe it.”
“I can grab Jayce’s laptop.” I hated even thinking about doing it, but…
“That’s good. I know this is hard, but we have to go soon. They said an hour.” I could hear the trepidation bleeding into his
voice again. It was so full of anxiety, I couldn’t stop myself from asking — maybe he wasn’t ready for it, or maybe it would
jolt me out of this nightmare so I could finally get back to Jayce, where I belonged. I started stuffing my backpack full of a few
changes of clothes, the laptop, what little money I had, and let the question spill out casually.
“Why are you so afraid of this Kade guy?”
There was another flash in my mind — those coppery eyes so warm, so close, so full of trust… then burning with betrayal
and fury. The face that looked so much like Jayce, but I’d never seen Jayce look so…
Violent.
Vicious.
Cold.
Clay’s voice interrupted the memory, and it was full of strain. “I’m not afraid. I just know if he sees me, he’s going to kill
me.”
“But why?” Something sinking in my gut told me, though — the look of betrayal on his face… it was…
“Well, because I killed him.”
 Chapter 4

Kade

I STOOD IN FRONT of the mirror, inspecting myself curiously. This body was so similar to my own, but I could see a dozen
ways it was different. My hair was longer, my skin was paler, and my eyes were icy blue. Familiarity came from the coppery
rings circled around the pupil, the only trace of my old self in this new shell.
Apparently, that was a recent development. Heath Northman told me the color wasn’t there when Jayce Walker went to
sleep.
I wondered if Seth Wilder had the same hazel eyes as Clay, or if I’d see a bit of the familiar color peeking through when I
found him.
Going along with their plan was an easy decision. They wanted me to hunt him — there’d been accounts of what happened
and how I’d been put down in my past life, and the people working at this institute seemed interested in giving the entire
scenario a second chance.
It was all impossible to believe, but I could clearly remember the sensation of a knife entering my side, and I couldn’t erase
the memory of Clay’s eyes widening as he twisted it. It was a physical pain I’d never experienced.
It had been twenty-two years since then, apparently, and the world hadn’t changed all that much. The true differences came in
the way technology had advanced.
Thankfully, I was a quick study.
Northman and his group were thorough in their research. I had a room in their facility, and my preferred attire was hanging in
the closet. It only took a few minutes to shed the jeans and baggy hoodie Jayce walked in here with. By the time I pulled on the
black slacks and turtleneck, pocketing the matching gloves, I was feeling a little more myself. The only part of his attire I kept
were his boots. I took the time to go through his pockets to see if he had anything useful. The thing that changed the most was
phones. Even then, it wasn’t so different. I figured it out within a few minutes of prodding and Jayce’s memories to guide me.
To my left, a full-body mirror hung on the wall. My hand came up to trace the reflection staring back at me. It was uncanny;
the face could have been a brother, had I not been an only child. My fingers brushed across the stubble on my cheek where a
long scar had once been — the things that defined my past were gone. Bisecting my dark brow now was a line of white I’d
never earned.
I touched it carefully, and a flash of memory played behind my eyes like a movie I couldn’t turn off.

Facing down a man just as tall as I was, with an unfettered rage burning inside me. Seth was safely tucked away in my
bed, and I knew I had to finish this before he woke up. I had to make sure the bastard in front of me would never hurt him
again.
When I swung at him, he swung back — the blow should have knocked me on my ass, but I was too enraged to care. I felt
a burst of warmth and my vision was obscured with blood, but it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered, as long as I got my point
across…

I nearly stumbled as the images stopped playing in my head. But just as quickly as I caught my breath from it, another reel
started.

Seth’s fingers were soft when he pulled the strips across my brow.
“How did you trip jumping the fence? You’ve done it a thousand times.” I wasn’t sure if I could hear the accusation in
his voice, or if I just felt bad for lying to him. It was the first time I’d ever done it, but it was for a good reason.
“Just tired, Seth. It’s okay though. I got your stuff.” I gestured to the backpack and box I’d brought back with me. His
eyes lit up when he saw the familiar items, and he leaned in without hesitation, pressing a gentle kiss to my bloody brow.
“Thank you, Jayce.” And then softer, with his lips still brushing my skin, “Thank you…” And maybe he’d never know
what I did to make sure he was safe, but as long as he was? The rest of it didn’t matter.
 I jerked back from the mirror, tearing my gaze from the surface as though that could stop the cacophony of confusion in my
head. I couldn’t erase the memories lurking just behind my eyes, but I pushed them down. It was just the vestiges of a man who
would never exist again, whose knowledge I could use to my benefit. There was no adjusting to everything new in this world
— Jayce had lived in it, grown in it, and he knew how to navigate it.
I touched my brow again, briefly lingering on the rage that pulsed through him when he’d faced down the man I now realized
was Seth’s only family.
Jayce apparently had more in common with me than Dr. Northman realized — I understood the rage, the darkness. It lived
inside me, breathed through me. It was me.
So maybe this wouldn’t be too much of a change, after all.
My mind flashed again to the image of Seth, his face so soft and innocent, blond curls wild and unruly. Clay’s hair was
always cropped short. It made him look hard and professional. He’d never looked like that — so soft, so in need of being
protected.
Something in my stomach clenched at the thought, but I brushed it away as a lingering phantom pang from Jayce’s mind. His
entire drive had been to take care of the smaller man.
Mine was to find him and put a knife in his chest. Whoever Seth had been, he wasn’t here anymore.
Clay, though? Clay had never been made for innocence, and he’d certainly never looked at me with wide doe eyes that
begged for my protection and attention. He’d been deadly from the moment I met him, made more so because I’d been foolish
enough to teach him my methods.
It wasn’t a mistake I was going to make again. I wouldn’t linger on thoughts or some inane desire to wonder what it was like
to really feel things for someone who no longer existed.
The memory of Clay's body pressed lithe and naked against mine intermingled with the phantom image of Seth curled in
Jayce’s arms, shivering from a nightmare.
I shook my head again to clear away the cobwebs. These thoughts and feelings were completely foreign to me. In all my life,
I’d never cared about someone like Jayce obviously had about Seth.
He’d loved him.
The word made my lip curl in disgust. I raked my hair out of my eyes while I composed myself from the sudden emotional
assault.
Love was a weakness — caring about someone was just a way to make yourself vulnerable, to leave yourself open to attack.
I didn’t know how to love Clay, but wanting him had gotten me killed.
I scrubbed my palms against my thighs as though I could erase the lingering sensation of those feelings before I left the room.
They’d promised me weaponry before I headed out, and I craved the familiar feel of something deadly in my hands.
I wasn’t sure where Clay would go. If they offered him the same opportunity as me, I knew he’d do his best to stay off my
radar. The only reason he got the upper hand on me before was because I’d thought he was on my side.
I wouldn’t fall for the same trick twice. He had no advantage.
And I’d always been stronger than him.
Jayce’s thoughts told me Seth’s frame was far slighter than Clay’s in our past lives. He was shorter by a handful of inches —
from the memories in my mind, I put the top of his head level with my mouth.
It would be so easy for me to get the upper hand. The knowledge sent a surge of warmth through my chest.
I’d have my revenge.
My fingers brushed over my shirt, my ribs, where the birthmark was evidence on my flesh of the life I’d lived before. I
wouldn’t forget what he’d done to me.
I made my way to the lounge I’d seen while being led to my room. The bag they’d provided was slung over my shoulder,
with Jayce’s wallet, keys, and cell phone stuffed into it.
“How will you know when I’m finished?” I didn’t bother with any sort of preamble. As though he’d been expecting me, Dr.
Northman didn’t react to my sudden intrusion. He simply raised a hand in the air and gestured to a spot on my chest, just below
my collarbone.
“We’ve fitted you both with trackers.” I pressed where he’d gestured and felt a small ridge just beneath my skin, completely
unnoticeable unless someone pointed it out.
“So you’ll know as soon as he’s gone.” It wasn’t a question.
“You’re confident, aren’t you?” Northman was grinning at me, his eyes clinical as they raked over my body. He had to know
who had more physical prowess between me and Clay. I fixed him with a bored stare.
“You have to realize it isn’t fair, this competition between the two of us.” My voice was cool when I spoke. I didn’t care if it
was fair. They’d given me a new lease on life, and I wasn’t going to waste it. But I wouldn’t be able to really live it until I’d
closed the chapter left wide open by a knife in my heart.
And honestly, if I started with someone funneling me jobs, that was all the better. I was certain I could access the money I’d
had on offshore accounts before, because there’d been no other living soul with the passcodes. But what was life if I wasn’t
working, if I wasn’t killing?
It was all I knew. The flashes of memory that belonged to Jayce Walker — a life of working odd jobs and coming home to
curl around another warm body — were foreign to me.
“If I’m being honest, we were relatively certain of it when we found you both. But logic would demand we prove the theory,
wouldn’t it? After all, there’s a reason we had to bring you back, Mr. Neil.”
It was impossible to miss the patronizing tone of his voice.
I felt my jaw tic in irritation. Resisting the urge to step forward and show the man in front of me how easy it would be to kill
him with my bare hands was probably a good decision. I was… fairly certain I could handle getting out of the facility, even if I
killed their director in front of them.
But I wasn’t used to this body, and it wasn’t something I was willing to risk because he’d irritated me. I stepped back
instead, just enough to put distance between us. Enough to curb my darker temptations.
“That was a… miscalculation on my part. It’s one I won’t make again.”
He studied me with a cool expression, as though surveying for some kind of reaction, some kind of emotion. Whatever
Northman saw apparently satisfied him, because he nodded. “I believe that. One learns their lesson with something as severe
as death, after all.” He gestured to the bag I wore on my shoulder. “You’ll be expected to film it when you take him out, of
course. We want to properly document and study your capabilities and movements. You don’t have to film the entirety of
hunting him, but we would prefer footage of the process.” Then, as though he realized he needed to throw another threat out
there, Northman added on. “We want to make sure we’re making the right decision, after all. That we’re backing the correct
horse.”
I fought back the urge to step forward again — it was easy enough to school my features into impassive and uncaring, but the
swirling sensation from before was rocketing around in my chest. The rage I’d felt when Jayce’s memories poured through my
mind was palpable. It was just beneath the surface of my skin, beating against my nerves and demanding to prove to the man
that I wasn’t an animal. I wasn’t anything he could bet on or control. I wouldn’t be caged.
I stamped down the reaction. I refused to be lost to vicious urges simply because this body wasn’t used to discipline.
Rash actions weren’t how you stepped cleanly out of a building with the guarantee of backup on the off chance you needed
assistance. I still wasn’t sure on the details of how they’d brought me back, how they’d managed any of this. Even if I had no
intention of actually working for Dr. Northman, the value of the technology they possessed was worth figuring out.
I could always kill them and sell it to the highest bidder once I acclimated to the world again and could get a new range of
contacts.
And that was the real problem — I had no contacts. The ones I’d had before were still alive, maybe, but how much work
would it take to convince them I was who I claimed to be? I’d be better off assuming the identity of the body I was in and
building a reputation from there. It might take a while, but I wasn’t in the mood to convince others of an impossibility I barely
believed myself.
“I’ll get you video.” I lifted one shoulder nonchalantly. “Do you have a time frame for when this needs to happen?” This was
something I was used to — discussion, parameters, what I needed to do in order to get paid.
“As quick as possible. If you haven’t managed within the week, come check in with us. We want to take a few blood samples
to see if anything genetically changes due to the serum. Other than that, enjoy yourself. We want to see you true to your element,
Kade Neil. Our sources and reports tell us you enjoyed your work when you were alive.”
I felt a slow smile lift the corner of my mouth. I shrugged in response, letting dark lashes fall in a mockery of demure.
“You’re not wrong.”
Killing was the one thing that made sense — it was the thing I was good at. Yeah, I’d enjoyed myself.
And once I finished with Clay, I would again.
I turned and closed the door behind me, making my way out of the building. I didn’t recognize the city around me, but it
didn’t matter. From what I knew, Clay didn’t either. We were on even footing, driven by lingering memories alone.
My hand dipped into the bag, and I pulled out the cell phone I’d found earlier. When I opened the contacts, Seth's number
was the only one saved.
He was smiling in his picture, and for just a moment, Jayce’s thoughts surged to the surface — soft, sweet memories.
Memories of Seth’s upturned lips, and his honey-sweet laughter.

I couldn’t escape the twisting sensation in my gut that something was wrong. Something was going to happen. I couldn’t
escape the feeling of dread building in my chest. And all I wanted… all I ever wanted…
The soft brush of Seth’s lips against mine was sweet — I’d loved him forever. I’d loved him for as long as I’d known him.
And maybe I could never put words to it, maybe I’d never tell him how deep my love ran… but I had the feeling he knew.
I had to believe Seth felt it, too.

I jerked violently, like the motion could distance me from the sudden thundering beat of my heart. My fingers clenched so
hard my knuckles cracked, and the sting of nails biting into flesh ached against my palms.
 The strength of the memories and the emotion Jayce felt was so fucking foreign to me.
How in the hell did he breathe with the weight of his love for Seth existing like a constant beating behind his ribs? It was
like a living thing, making demands, taking up space and air and energy.
I’d never been more thankful I didn’t give a shit about anyone — my fallacy with Clay notwithstanding — because I wasn’t
interested in being beholden to such a demanding master.
Lust, I understood. I'd experienced it in my past life. I’d met that need as often as I wanted — with any man or woman I
wanted — and I'd enjoyed every minute of it.
But love?
Love could stay safely locked in the part of my mind dedicated to Jayce’s memories.
 Chapter 5

Clay

T HETheFIRST TIME I saw Kade Neil, he had a gun pressed to my temple.

assignment was simple — find the person who’d been systematically taking out the drug dealers my company had
under surveillance and take them in for questioning. They’d apparently been cooking up something interesting enough that our
scientists wanted to know more about it and the effect it had on the local community.
We had no idea who kept killing them, but they were dropping like flies. It was precarious to investigate the situation, but it
seemed only the dangerous men were targeted.
If nothing else, I was a good agent for this particular assignment. I could look harmless, even if I wasn’t.
My harmlessness wasn’t helping me now. I looked into the fire of his coppery gaze, and I could see my death reflecting back.
At least if I had to die, the last thing I’d see was a ridiculously handsome face. Kade Neil was… gorgeous. I closed my eyes
and took a slow breath, and when I opened them, I felt ready.
Prepared.
If I had to do this, I wasn’t going to show emotion. I would not be afraid, or beg and plead. If I sensed an opportunity to
strike, a chance to save myself, I’d take it. As it was, there wasn’t really much I could do with a gun pressed to my temple and
my hands wrenched behind my back. His fingers were too long. Long enough to easily wrap around both wrists and hold me
tight.
We were standing close — so close I could see the nearly molten gold color that streaked through the copper hue of his
irises. In the right light, I’m sure they’d look brown. But right now…
Right now, they looked like a blaze of hellfire, and I couldn’t stop the soft exhalation of my breath at our proximity.
“You’re beautiful.”
The words spilled out unfiltered — he was going to kill me, regardless. I wasn’t sure if I spoke in an attempt to sway his
decision, or if I just wanted my last words to be honest, since I spent so much of my life being a liar. Whatever it was, it made
him pause. His lips twitched like he fought a smile.
“Compliments don’t erase the fact that you were following me.”
“I would have volunteered for this assignment sooner if I’d known you looked like this.”
Was I… was I flirting? It had to be a survival technique. It definitely wasn’t some deep-seated realization I was bisexual.
The final five minutes of my life would be a terrible time to make such a discovery.
His gaze flicked across my face, searching my eyes before dropping to my lips. The gun pressed tighter against my skin, and I
took in a slow breath.
“You aren’t afraid of me, are you?” He studied my face for another moment, and the curiosity was like a child at a zoo seeing
their favorite animal for the first time.
“Would being afraid change the situation?”
“No.”
“Then what’s the point?” My answer was simple, and his fingers eased off my wrists. He moved faster than I could react —
fast enough the snicking ziip of the plastic tie he secured my arms with was in place before I could pull away. Fast enough that
the breath was knocked out of me when my back was suddenly against a wall, and I was faced with the full onslaught of his
appearance.
Tall and lean-muscled, with inky hair and a tailored suit. He hadn’t gotten it dirty getting the jump on me. I was tall — at
least six feet — but I had to look up to meet his gaze.
“What’s the point, hm?” Kade murmured the words more to himself than me, and used the barrel of his gun to brush my bangs
from my eyes. “What’s your name?”
“Clay.” It wouldn’t get him anywhere. Clayton Sutherland didn’t exist in any database he could access.
“Are you a psychopath, Clay? Most people don’t stare death in the eye so calmly.”
 “Probably more of a sociopath, if we’re talking semantics.” I shrugged. And then, because I couldn’t help myself, I leaned
my head back against the wall and studied him. “Are you a serial killer, Kade Neil?”
He didn’t flinch when I said his name. He kept the gun leveled steadily at my head and lifted one shoulder in a shrug.
“Sometimes. I’ve recently branched out into the profitable side of murder.”
“You’re a hitman for hire?”
He grinned, and the sight of those full lips turning up did something to my stomach. There was no reason for me to react like
this — there was no reason for me to be drawn to him. He was obviously telling me this information because he had no
intention of letting me walk out of here alive. So why did his smile take my breath away?
“Sometimes,” he answered my question, drawing me out of my head.
“And… these men? The drug dealers?” If I died with the information, would it at least satisfy some part of me? Keep me
from the life of a ghost, left to haunt the world with unanswered questions?
“Hmm.” He leaned in close enough to trail the gun along the column of my throat, to drag it down the thin fabric of the loose
shirt I wore. “Sometimes I'm for hire. But… sometimes I get bored.” His eyes were on the line of his gun, and I shivered when
the barrel slid between the open fabric of my button-up and brushed against my bare skin. “They were up to something, and I
was curious.”
“Curious?” Did he have intel we didn’t? Did it matter if I extracted the information now, if he was going to shoot me? His
fingers joined his gun and brushed against the front of my shirt. It took me a second to realize he was working the buttons open.
When my sleeve slipped from one shoulder, I forced myself to keep in a gasp.
His eyes were still fixated on my chest, and he teased the gun to the left. A low sound tore from my throat when the metal
caught and scraped against my nipple — it hardened instantly.
I glanced up, only to find him watching me. There was something dark in his stare… something hungry.
“Hmm,” he said again, his voice low and throaty.
And for some reason, I couldn’t stop myself. “If you’re bored, Kade Neil, I know better ways to keep you entertained.”
His eyes never left mine. It felt like he was looking through me, searching out the truth in my words.
And then, Kade smiled.

Seth

I woke with a start.

My body jerked violently, and I fell off an unfamiliar bed. My mind went through somersaults trying to adjust to what was
happening, to who I was. The dream felt entirely too real — and in a sense, I knew it was.
I wasn’t face to face with a killer who looked so much like Jayce but wasn’t. I wasn’t trying to calm my thundering heart
while I propositioned a man with a gun.
I wasn’t Clay.
I wasn’t trapped in his memories.
And I wasn’t home.
I brought the heel of my hand up to press against my forehead as I tried to gather myself. My heart was still pounding, and I
couldn’t ignore the way my cock was half-hard from the memories that danced through my head.
“What the fuck, Clay. I thought you were enemies?” The accusation spilled out before I could stop it. Maybe he wouldn’t
answer me. Maybe I’d be here alone, and Jayce would come through the door, and there would be a logical explanation for all
of this.
Instead, I felt a wash of annoyance filter through my head. “It’s rude to spy on people’s memories, Seth.”
“I didn’t do it on purpose, Clayton.”
“You had no business —”
“I said I didn’t do it on purpose!” It was weird, cutting myself off while speaking, but I didn’t know what else to do. I
clenched my fists and clambered back into a sitting position with a sigh. “I promise, I’m not some expert at unlocking hidden
memories of my past life. You were… dreaming about it or something.”
But what a dream.
 “Don’t read into it.” Clay’s voice was so defensive, and my eyes flicked down to my chest. I could remember the feeling of
Kade’s gun traveling along his skin, and the visceral way it made his heart pound was still an ache behind my ribs. The
sensation was tight and hot all at once, like I needed a cool shower, or hands running over me to soothe the burn.
“It’s hard not to. You wanted to fuck him.” I said the words as carefully as I could, but there was no escaping how true they
were. I knew the feelings that poured through him while he looked at Kade for the first time, because it was the way I felt about
Jayce every time he stepped into a room. There was a draw there, something incapable of being denied or ignored —
apparently even when they had a gun pressed to your skin.
“No. I wanted to survive. I was using the option I had available to me.”
He was lying. It was so obvious he was lying. I could feel the warning bells of his apprehension going off in my head, but I
didn’t know why he wanted to keep this from me. He already told me he’d killed Kade. It wasn’t like I had the whole story, and
I wasn’t sure it really mattered. Knowing what happened in the past wasn’t going to change what was happening now. I wanted
to get Jayce back, so Kade and Clay and whatever fucked up history they had together wasn’t my concern. Still…
“It makes me wonder if two people are destined to meet, to be together over and over again, no matter what life they live.”
The scoff that tore from my throat took me off guard. “You’re a lifetime off. Kade and I weren’t meant to be together. I killed
him, remember?”
I couldn’t forget. His actions were the thing making us run. Whatever he’d done was the reason I couldn’t go and find Jayce’s
body so we could work together to fix things. It was —
“He wouldn’t work with you. He wouldn’t want Jayce back. Kade doesn’t know what it’s like to have a heart, to care about
anything. From what I can see in your mind, your Jayce cared about you. If you had any respect for his memory at all, you’d get
out of this city before Kade ends us both. You’re squandering his —”
“Don’t talk about Jayce. You didn’t know him.” I snapped the words out with a vehemence that made my chest ache. “I can
promise you, no matter what Jayce did to me, no matter what kind of person Jayce was, there’s nothing in this world that would
make me hurt him. I wouldn’t kill him, and I won’t give up on him. You don’t know a fucking thing about his memory, or what
he would have wanted. You don’t know Jayce.” I hated the way my voice trembled, but the ache in my chest was a bone-deep
sorrow I couldn’t escape.
“And you don’t know what you’re talking about. You’d be surprised what you could do to a person when you have no other
choice.” Clay sounded… almost… sad. I didn’t have room for pity. I’d felt the same pull in his chest for Kade as I had for
Jayce. He’d wasted it.
“There’s always a choice.”
“Killing Kade was —”
A loud burst of music cut off whatever excuse he’d been about to give.
Jayce’s ringtone made my heart skip a beat, and my eyes darted towards the sound.
“Don’t answer.” Clay’s demand was sharp and edged on the verge of panic. He wasn’t in control of me now, though. I half
lurched across the room and grabbed my phone. I barely had the sense to restrain myself from calling out his name as soon as I
answered. If it wasn’t Jayce, they didn’t need to know I was in control. If it was someone from the facility, they needed to
believe I was Clay.
So as much as it hurt, as much as I wanted to hear him say my name, I answered with a cool, “Hello.”
It was the best imitation of Clay I had.
There was a moment of silence, then a voice spoke.
“Ah, Clay. Did you miss me?”
My heart clenched in pain. The voice sounded like Jayce, but everything about it was wrong.
 Chapter 6

Kade

I HAD A MOMENT of confusion.

The voice spilling through the phone sounded like Clay. I’d recognize the dispassionate tone anywhere. And yet, there was
something off about it. Maybe it was because it wasn’t quite his register. Maybe it was simply because he didn’t have to
pretend he cared about me now.
Whatever it was, it didn’t matter. I smoothed my fingers down the front of my shirt and leaned against the wall, like he could
see my posture. It was clear he’d been to this dingy little apartment, probably to see what supplies he could scavenge. I wasn’t
sure if he had access to the funds he’d once had, and I didn’t know what they’d supplied him with at the facility.
All I knew was Clay Sutherland was on the other side of this phone call, and my gut was clenching with the need to make
him pay for what he’d done to me.
“Kade.” He said my name carefully, like he was testing how it felt on his tongue. My eyes narrowed.
“I’m sure that wasn’t a name you expected to say again, was it?” My words were cold, barely containing the fury boiling
behind the polished veneer.
“No.” The tone was still strange to me, softer than it should have been, lighter and sweeter. Maybe it was the phone? Maybe
it was the voice coming from a mouth it didn’t belong to?
“Well, it seems we’ve both been given opportunities we didn’t expect. The question is, what are we going to do about it?”
There were a thousand things I wanted, all vacillating through my mind at the same time. On one hand, drawing this out and
playing with him would satisfy me in a way I could barely register. If it were up to me and I was completely alone, I would
spend months on this. I wanted to draw out every reaction of fear, remorse, regret, maybe even passion from him before I ended
our game of cat and mouse.
I had a feeling the facility wouldn’t appreciate me taking so long, though. I wasn’t sure they would be comfortable if they
realized exactly what kind of person they’d brought back.
I kept most of my deeds private — the world didn’t know more than I wanted them to.
The only person who’d had a chance to look at me — the real me — was Clay.
That hadn’t turned out well for me in the end.
I had to admit, I was curious if he experienced the same flashes of memory I did. The process of bringing us back was a
complicated thing. The idea was only in whispers back when I’d been alive, from what Clay told me — a thought, spoken in
hushed tones that seemed impossible. To see it come to fruition now…
“I’m feeling generous. I think we should meet up before we really start our game.” It came from my mouth before I could stop
the demand, and my brows hiked in surprise at my own words.
I needed to see him.
I nearly hung up at the revelation. Those memories pounding just behind my eyes supplied me with the vision of a tousled,
curly-haired boy who looked like every innocent moment Clay had never truly had. They looked like they could be distant
cousins, not the same person reborn again and again. For some reason, my mind couldn’t reconcile the image of the small boy
in need of protection behind my lids with the man who’d shoved a knife so callously between my ribs. I knew they were one
and the same, and maybe it wouldn’t be as strange for Clay as myself. Jayce and I looked almost identical, and from what I
could feel, it was obvious he’d been no innocent. He’d just contained his monster better than I’d ever managed, tethered to
sanity by the anchor of his love for Seth Wilder.
The vision I kept flashing on of those wide, guileless eyes…
I shook my head again and focused back on the phone.
“What do you mean, meet up?” His voice was still soft, almost unsure. Of course, if I was being offered the opportunity to
face a man I’d killed, maybe I wouldn’t be eager for it either.
If I had any scrap of a conscience.
 The fact that I didn’t made all this far easier on me.
“I mean, I want to know what the facility told you. I want to know if they’ve done the same thing to you that they did to me.”
I need to see you.
Those words echoed in the back of my head again, and I brushed them away as nothing more than reverberations from a man
who no longer existed. It was what Jayce would have said, presented with the opportunity to be near his Seth again. I could
draw the conclusion easily enough that the phantom words batting around in my mind didn’t bother me.
“You want to meet up…” There was a pause on the other side of the line. “Face to face?”
“Astute as usual, Clayton.” I couldn’t stop the smile curving my lips.
“No way, we can’t —” A burst of familiarity surged through me. This was a tone I recognized. Clay was defiant and full of
righteous indignation. But just as quickly, a small, pained sound escaped him. “I mean… we… we can’t, unless it’s somewhere
in public. Somewhere I have at least a little reassurance you aren’t going to kill me.”
I didn’t bother biting back a laugh. Did he think I couldn’t take him out in a public venue? Did he forget the stories I’d told
him about hunting down marks in the middle of events with thousands in attendance? It was like a game to me. Or maybe he
thought I wouldn’t risk it, now that I was supposedly under the thumb of this new corporation?
He was wrong, of course. The only thing protecting him was my curiosity. But if it would make him comfortable for me to
play along…
“Of course. After all, it’s no fun if I drop you before I have a chance to look you in the eye, is it? I think you owe me at least
that much, after everything you put me through… don’t you, Clay?”
There was a soft intake of breath, another almost pained sound, and I wanted to see his face. I wanted to study the
expression. Did he feel guilty about what he’d done?
Did he care at all?
Or was he just as emotionless as I was, and the hitch to his breath was only in accordance with what he thought he should
do? He’d always been pretending with me, from the very beginning. There was no reason for him to stop now.
There were entirely too many questions dancing in the back of my mind, and I had full intentions of getting answers to every
single one of them before I put him in the ground.
I wouldn’t have it any other way.
“I…” There was a brief pause, another hitch to his breath. “You’re right. That’s no fun. I need to know if you came back the
same as I did.” There was the faintest hint of hope tinging his words. My eyes narrowed. Was there something different about
him he wasn’t sharing with me?
This was why I needed to see him face-to-face. Clay was an accomplished liar. I knew that much. But now that I knew what I
was looking for, he wasn’t going to fool me again. There was no way to know if this was some ruse by the organization he
worked for. As far as I knew, they wanted me to fail. They wanted this to go wrong so Clay could kill me. Again.
I trusted nothing, and I wasn’t going to squander this second lease on life I’d been given, even if they didn’t actually mean for
me to have it.
“Are you hoping they screwed me up somehow, Clay?” My words were laced with accusation. I had so many questions.
They’d given me plenty of details, but they hadn’t told me why he’d died only a few days after me. I could only imagine it was
something to do with getting rid of evidence. Clay was quite a few things, but he’d never been idiotic enough to get caught or
killed.
So they’d had to have his trust, right? They’d certainly used my trust in him to eliminate me from the picture — it was almost
poetic if they used his in them to accomplish the same.
It seemed trivial, when you thought about the effort they’d gone through to bring us back.
“It’s just a question.” His voice was only hesitant for a moment. “I can still feel Seth’s thoughts in my head. Like a part of
him is still here.”
Seth, the boy whose body he’d taken over, and whose innocent eyes I couldn’t quite blink away. I leaned back, tilting my
head, even though he couldn’t see me.
“It must make you feel weak, having the thoughts of someone who actually cares about the world rolling around in your
mind.” I taunted him without giving him the answers he was looking for.
“No. It’s experience I can use.” He paused for a second, and his next question came out hesitantly, “Do you still have his
memories?”
My mind flickered — the voice on the other end of the line was so familiar that just closing my eyes could bring pictures to
the surface.

Seth and I, sitting side by side in the darkness of his room. His small, soft voice talking nearly nonstop about something
completely unimportant. He wasn’t talking because he had something to say. He was talking because he had something to
forget. I’d be here to listen as long as he needed, as long as —

“Seems like a weakness to me,” I spoke with an air of dismissal. “I can sift through Jayce’s thoughts if I want, but that’s all
they are. Impressions of a dead man.”
Impressions, and I wouldn’t let them control me.
“I…”
Why did he keep hesitating? Why did he keep cutting himself off? Clay had never been shy about sharing his mind before.
Being incapable of seeing his face to read the minute changes in his features was irritating me. I couldn’t figure out what he
was hiding if I didn’t have the subtle shift of his expression to guide me.
“Forget this. I think we need to have this conversation in person before we go any further.”
His answer came quickly, sharper, and this sounded more like the Clay I knew.
“It’s a terrible idea. We both know it.”
His reluctance made me laugh, a full-throated sound that drew a groan from Clay’s chest he seemed incapable of hiding. “I
think it’s fantastic. In fact, I think if you want to hear anything else about my thoughts, my memories, about Jayce,” I said his
name with a sneer. “Then you and I should meet. Don’t worry, Clayton.” I drew his name out in slow syllables, letting it roll on
my tongue like an appetizer to the feast of his fear. “I promise I won’t be too rough with you.”
There was another pause, a hitch of breath like he was struggling with himself, then he whispered his answer. “Fine. Fine.”
He drew one more trembling breath, and added. “But remember, in public.”
His conviction that the venue would make a difference was hilarious, but I hummed assent to his request. I didn’t care — I
needed to see him. I wanted to see the fear when he realized it didn’t matter where we were, because I was going to have my
revenge no matter what. I wanted to see Clay’s callousness hidden behind Seth’s innocent eyes.
“Good. I’ll give you…” I glanced casually at the watch on my wrist and mentally ticked through how many hours it would
take for him to be so sufficiently wound up with fear and apprehension that he wouldn’t be able to concentrate on anything but
our impending meeting. “Hm, let’s say three hours.”
“Today?” The voice sprang out again, the one I knew so well.
“Why wait? You know I’ve never been a patient monster, Clay.” The words felt sultry as they fell from my lips. Clay’s breath
came out in a sharp exhalation; it made me grin.
“Fine. Where?”
“I don’t care. You choose, if it will make you feel better. Text me the location in the next half hour. I’ll meet you there.”
I needed time to scout it out, of course. I needed to see the best vantage point to watch him, because I knew he’d arrive early.
And I needed to make sure I could get him alone, regardless of what he thought a crowd could do for him.
Anticipation built in my gut and nearly made me moan. I bit my lower lip to stifle the sound. “I’ll see you soon, Clay.”
And then I hung up before he had a chance to argue or change his mind.
This was going to be fun.
 Chapter 7

Seth

M AYBE THIS WAS A bad idea — okay, I knew for a fact it was a bad idea — but knowing wasn’t going to stop me. Even
though the voice I’d heard on the other end of the phone sounded like Jayce, there was something so off about it. I’d done
my best to pretend to be Clay. I did everything I could to make sure Kade had no idea I was inside, just in case Jayce really
was…
If he was…
“He’s gone. They told you he’s gone. You heard the person on the other end of that phone call — it wasn’t Jayce. There’s no
point in meeting up with Kade.” Clay’s voice was a plea that poured from my lips with insistence, but I ignored him. The
longer the drugs processed through my system, the more in control of myself I was. Clay could still voice his opinion and make
me do a few things, but he couldn’t stop me from meeting Kade.
I had to see him.
If there was the slightest hint Jayce was still there, I was going to fight tooth and nail to make sure I brought him back. I
needed him. I needed him so much that everything in my chest was burning. It felt like I couldn’t get a full breath of air, and it
got worse every second we were apart. Since the first day we’d met, I’d never been away from him for this long.
I couldn’t imagine a world where Jayce didn’t exist, and I wasn’t going to give up on him unless I absolutely had to. Giving
up on him would be like giving up on myself.
“You’ll give up on everything when Kade puts a bullet between your eyes.” Clay’s voice was a snarl of irritation, but I kept
going. I moved through the small hotel room with a level of unbalance and a lack of familiarity that made me sick to my
stomach. I wanted to be back in my fucking apartment with Jayce right now. All the complaints and worry we’d had about it
being unsafe suddenly seemed so unimportant. I’d take the bugs and the break-in threats for the rest of my life if I could take the
last few days back with it.
I wanted to go back in time and talk him out of ever doing the damn trial to begin with.
I wanted to hunt down Jenkins and beat the shit out of him for even suggesting it to us.
“I could help.” Clay’s voice was a soft lure to the idea of violence. “I know more than one way to extract information from a
target. I bet your time would be better spent garnering intel, instead of chasing after Kade when it’s clear this is a setup. He’s
going to kill you. He’ll kill us both, and he’ll never realize you’re the one in control.”
I could feel the fear coming off him in palpable waves, but there was more to it. There was a low undercurrent of emotions I
couldn’t sift through. As curious as I was, I didn’t have time to examine his thoughts.
I refused to let Clay distract me.
I pulled Jayce’s hoodie over my head, and the familiar scent of him shot a pang through my stomach. If he were here, he’d
probably tell me this was a stupid idea, too. He’d tell me to be smart, to keep myself safe.
But I didn’t know how to do it without him. I never had.
“I can keep us both safe.” Clay’s voice tried to play to my logic, but I shook my head.
“Look, if you’re so worried about it, I’ll take a weapon, okay?” I moved to the bed and sorted through the duffle bag I’d
stuffed full before running from the apartment. It only took a minute to find the switchblade Jayce bought me a few years ago.
He’d made me promise I wouldn’t use it unless I had to, but he’d also made me promise if it came down to a decision of
someone else or me, I would always choose myself.
At the time, I’d laughed. It seemed absurd that there would ever be a time I would need it. If I went somewhere dangerous,
Jayce was always with me. Any time someone thought about looking at me funny, he’d been there to make sure they thought
twice about it.
I’d never had to touch the damn knife.
Now, I clicked open the blade to make sure the spring mechanism was still working. I jumped when it came out in a quick
snick of noise, stupidly loud in the low hush of the room. My fingers tightened and loosened on the handle, and I twisted my
arm in a few practice swings, just like Jayce had shown me. “See, we’re fine.”
“Right, because a knife will stop him if he has a gun. You look like a toddler playing with a stick.” Clay’s voice was still full
of ire and worry, but he couldn’t mask the slight sense of ease pulsing through my chest at the prospect of a weapon. I carefully
replaced the blade and put the knife in my pocket. I silently prayed there wouldn’t be a reason to take it out. Hopefully, I could
find some piece of Jayce inside himself, and we’d be able to go home. We could figure this out together.
We could figure out anything together, we’d always been able to.
My stomach twisted in knots. The one time I didn’t have him with me was the one time I needed him the most.
“This is still so stupid.” Clay’s voice was softer, as though he’d resigned himself to his fate. There was no way for him to
stop me. There was an argument for me dressing like he would, wrapped in some sharp suit with my hair cut short. He’d
mentioned it might be a good idea, because it would leave Kade off guard, thinking I was exactly who I was supposed to be.
In the end, I vetoed it. If there was any part of Jayce still there, he’d recognize me, not Clay. So, I was going to go there
looking how he remembered me. I’d just play it off that I hadn’t had a chance to get new clothes and a haircut if I was
questioned.
Kade could make of it what he would, and we’d go from there.
“This still seems so impossible to me.” My fingers clenched the bottom of Jayce’s hoodie, picking at the loose strings
nervously while I tried to process my emotions. Would I be able to tell something was wrong when I saw him? Would I know?
Maybe I would finally wake up from this nightmare.
“It isn’t a dream, Seth. I thought you’d come to terms with that by now.”
“I’m not in the mood to be chastised by a voice coming out of my own damn mouth. Just… make sure you feed me
information on how to act, or he’s going to know I’m not who I say I am.” Which sounded strange, since I was the one going
there. It was my body. My life. My world.
“You don’t get it, Seth. Kade Neil is here — this is his world. Everyone else is here, using his air. Until we figure out how to
take him out of it, we’re all just lucky he’s letting us breathe.” The mixture of reverence and fear in Clay’s voice wasn’t lost on
me, nor was the tightening sensation streaking through my stomach.
I shook my head and pulled on my shoes. It was time for us to go. I wasn’t going to be late.

Maybe it wouldn’t make a difference, but meeting in the middle of the mall made me feel a little better. We were surrounded
by people and cameras, and there were plenty of places to duck into if I needed to hide.
A part of me thought I was being overly cautious. I couldn’t believe Jayce was completely gone. I refused to think there was
no part of him still inside his mind. Maybe he was buried deep, but I’d find a way to get him out.
I had to. I couldn’t imagine any other outcome without panicking.
I sat with my back to a wall at Clay’s insistence, but my eyes kept dropping to my phone on the table in front of me. My
stomach was a writhing pit of snakes, threatening to churn up and make me ill. I was supposed to give off an air of confidence.
I was supposed to pretend I was Clay Sutherland, not Seth Wilder.
I wasn’t sure how to do that.
So, I kept my hands busy with the coffee I’d bought, even though Clay was insistent I should keep them free in case I needed
to get to my knife in a rush.
The last thing I wanted to do was stab someone in the food court of the mall. I wasn’t getting arrested over this, and I didn’t
want to hurt Jayce.
My eyes registered the movement before my brain caught up to what I was seeing. The man standing on the other side of the
food court looked like Jayce. I saw the soft fullness of his mouth, and the fluorescent light made his blue eyes look like glass.
But the way he held himself was wrong. He stood with a predatory confidence I’d never seen. The curve of his lips was…
off. And the suit he wore hugged his body in a tailored way that spoke of money Jayce and I didn’t have.
I stared at him, and he was staring at me with eyes ringed in copper.
They weren’t Jayce’s eyes.
Everything inside me screamed it was wrong, that this was wrong. And even Clay’s voice in my head was a vicious shout of
don’t you fucking dare.
But when the man who looked like Jayce tilted his head to the side and gestured for me to follow him, all thoughts of meeting
in public, all thoughts of staying in the middle of the food court, all thoughts of everything safe fled my mind and left me with
only one thing left to shatter my heart.
I couldn’t see Jayce — in his smile, in those eyes. I couldn’t see Jayce. The panic I felt tried to claw its way from my throat
in a scream, and all I could do was stalk after him and hope it was different up close.
It had to be different when we were face to face.
I rounded the corner in a near run, even though a desperate thrum of stop stop stop was pulsing in my head. It only took a
second to feel the hand seize my arm, and a breath for my body to jerk back into what I assumed was one of the service
hallways.
The sensation of the fingers encircling my wrist was so familiar, a cry nearly tore from my throat. I knew Jayce by the
calluses on his palm and the length of his grip.
My eyes lifted in hope, my lips parting on a trembling sob, and then I saw his expression.
Fury. Malice. A burning hatred that didn’t belong to Jayce.
No.
“No,” I said the word aloud, but it just caused him to grin like he'd won a prize.
“Too easy. Did you think you’d get the upper hand again?” He yanked my body around, and I crashed into a wall. The lighting
here was lower, but I could still see all the planes and features I’d known my entire life. I could still see the face that should
have been Jayce.
But…
I couldn’t see him. This wasn’t Jayce, as much as I wanted it to be. It was…
“Kade.” The name flew furiously from my lips, and my hand slipped into my pocket to pull out the knife. My disbelief left
me out of touch with my body, and Clay seized the opportunity with both hands and grabbed the reins. I couldn’t stop him. I was
too broken, too raw.
The man in front of me looked at me with pure fury on his face, with a hatred so intense it burned. Jayce would never look at
me like that.
He’d never let anything or anyone hurt me.
Kade’s hand came forward in a quick motion, and I felt a jolt of shock when my body moved of its own volition. I didn’t
know how to fight, but someone inside me apparently did. It was Clay who side-stepped the movement with practiced ease,
and Clay who brought the knife up in a graceful arc that left a strip of cut cloth across the expensive suit Jayce wore.
No…
Not Jayce.
Fuck.
I tried to push myself out of my own mind, because if I thought too much about it, I wasn’t going to be able to follow the
instincts Clay obviously had when it came to surviving.
When he lunged for me, I darted away again. I needed to angle myself back toward the exit so we could get out. I never
should have chased him back here. I never should have followed him, but…
“Is the person you were completely gone?” The question spilled from my lips before I could stop it. It made Clay falter. My
mind refused to hurt the man in front of me, because he was the only thing in my life I’d ever truly believed in. I couldn’t hurt
Jayce.
I couldn’t.
But what if this wasn’t Jayce?
“Don’t act so surprised, Clay. Whoever these people were before, they’re just shells now. We managed to kill two men
without taking a breath. Are you impressed? I know they explained it all to you, too.” The fury burning in those copper-ringed
eyes made my stomach clench, and a snarl escaped me.
“Stop. It’s not him.” Clay’s words weren’t for the man in front of me, they were for my ears alone. But it still made Kade
arch a brow in curiosity, and when my arm sliced forward, he danced away a moment later than he should have. The tip of the
switchblade caught against his cheek.
The bright spring of blood made my entire body seize up.
Jayce was bleeding.
But it wasn’t Jayce.
I—
“Please, I can’t do this.” The words fell desperately from my lips before I registered uttering them aloud. But it was true.
I couldn’t hurt him.
As much as my body knew how to go through the motions of fighting, and as much as I could tell Clay really wanted to end
this now, I couldn’t do it.
I refused to kill the man standing in front of me. No matter how wrong his expression, no matter how dead the warmth in his
eyes, I still couldn’t do it.
He still looked like Jayce. It was Jayce’s body. I knew that body.
“Don’t worry, I can.” Kade moved in a smooth motion that was almost like a dance. Clay’s reflexes weren’t enough to stop
him from grabbing my arm and yanking it up and to the side, nor to stop the way his other hand swept the knife from my nearly
numb fingers. He shifted forward and shoved me hard against the wall.
It knocked the breath from me and loosened a sob in my chest.
He stepped into me, and the sensation was too familiar. His scent was familiar. Everything about his body called to mine, but
it was some uncanny valley where I was trying to grasp at a ghost. Everything felt right, but my nerve endings were screaming
how wrong it all was.
“Did they put you back together wrong, Clay? You used to be better than this.” The point of the knife trailed up my side. I felt
it prod my shirt, prickle through the fabric, and touch over the spot where Jayce’s birthmark was. “I thought I’d have more
fun…”
My eyes tilted up to look at his face, and I wanted to break at his expression. So much fury, so much joy at what he was
doing. I wanted…
I wanted…
“Please… don’t… I…”
The sharp feel of the blade against my throat was torment. Not because I knew I was going to die, and not because I could
feel it cutting into my skin.
It was because it was Jayce’s face that looked at me with vicious joy while I felt the cut.
“Should I draw it out? Make you feel the same pain I did?” The sharp edge pressed against the pulse in my throat, and I
closed my eyes. It was all I could do. I felt my lip quiver, felt the tears sliding hot and stinging behind my lids.
I couldn’t stop them any more than I could hurt Jayce.
But if I was going to die… if I had to go…
I forced my eyes open and looked at him. My voice shook when I spoke, but I had to get the words out.
“I love you. I’ve loved you my whole life, and I’ll love you in the next.” The hand he didn’t have pinned rose, and I cupped
his jaw, running my thumb apologetically against the shallow cut. It didn’t matter that Jayce was gone. I needed to say it, and
this was the closest I was going to get.
His entire body froze. I watched his eyes go wide, and I searched in their depths to see if I could see something — anything
— of the man I’d loved my whole life.
There was nothing.
Jayce wasn’t there anymore.
“You…” Kade’s eyes narrowed, and the blade pressed close enough to cut. “You’re not…”
Just as suddenly as the knife appeared, a new pressure overwhelmed me.
It took me a moment to realize what it was.
Warmth. Heat.
His lips crashed against mine in a rough kiss, chased with a soft swipe of his tongue that left me gasping. He took advantage
of the reaction and plunged inside to taste me, to lick the flavor of coffee from my mouth. My hand on his jaw flexed, and the
knife at my throat pressed harder, reminding me I was still in danger.
Very real danger.
But he was kissing me… and this kiss? It was nothing like the one Jayce gave me before my world fell apart. There was
nothing familiar about it. Nothing recognizable.
But it still sparked in my chest and engulfed my entire body in flames. Kade leaned into it, and his teeth found my lower lip.
He growled, and bit hard enough to leave the taste of copper in the wake of the inferno he’d stoked inside me, like gasoline to
ignite the blaze. In a quick motion, the knife left my throat and slammed into the wall less than an inch from my head.
“What are you…” I trailed off. My entire body was trembling.
And inside my mind, Clay was stunned into silence.
Kade — because I had my proof, even if I didn’t want to admit it — had kissed me. I could feel the soft trail of blood
spilling from where the knife had pressed to my throat. My mouth burned from the bruising force of his lips, his sharp teeth, and
the unfamiliar flavor of his tongue.
And I didn’t know what was happening.
“What? Did you think we were finished?” His eyes swept over my face again, full of that unreadable emotion, before they
settled on one I could understand.
Amusement, with an undercurrent of lust.
“Why..?”
“Mmm… maybe I like to play with my food.” Kade grinned and pressed his mouth against mine again. Hot, harsh, fast… and
then he was gone, but not before he tossed one last thing over his shoulder that let me know I hadn’t fooled anyone. “See you
soon, Seth.”
Shit.
He knew.
 Chapter 8

Kade

I ’VEThatLOVED YOU MY whole life, and I’ll love you in the next.
wasn’t Clay.
The tone was wrong, the way he looked at me was wrong. The way he gave up and nearly wilted in my arms was wrong.
The way my heart seized for a moment, and flashes of a life that wasn’t mine tore through my mind, was completely wrong.
I’d never felt anything like it before, because until that moment I’d never had the capacity to truly feel.
Something was wrong with me — the lingering remnants of whoever Jayce had been were seeping into my mind, into my
thoughts, into my actions and reactions.
It was the only excuse I had for why I’d kissed him. The lingering memories were the only reason I could come up with for
how my body reacted.
The way I’d wanted him.
Because I wanted him — not Clay. I wanted to carve Clay into a thousand pieces and leave him dying on the ground.
No, I wanted Seth.
I’d obsessed about things before. On some level, I’d obsessed over Clay when we’d known one another. It was a physical
thing then, more a draw to someone who was just as unfeeling and capable of murder as myself.
This thing in my chest, growing and expanding and nearly taking over my thoughts when it came to Seth, was completely
different.
I could blame it on Jayce’s memories. When I’d held a knife to his throat, something in my mind threw up a red flag and tried
to make me retreat. Something demanded I stop — I could never hurt him.
But until I’d looked into those eyes and understood I wasn’t facing off with Clay — at least, not Clay alone — I hadn’t
realized exactly how wrong it really was.
Something inside of me was different. Broken. I felt split wide and exposed.
I could feel, and I wasn’t sure what to do about it.
The sensation wasn't something I was accustomed to, and I wasn’t sure if I loved or hated it. On one hand, there’d always
been a part of me envious of the all-consuming passion that seemed to overtake people. It was the chase of emotion, desire, the
drive that sometimes pushed me into a job. I wanted to feel something, even though I knew it would never equate to the
intangible emotion of love so many people spoke of.
And when I’d allowed Clay past my defenses, I knew I was chasing something I could never have, could never touch. I’d
been looking for a connection I had no outlet to hook into.
In the end, it got me killed.
But now…
Now things were different.
Now there was Seth.
The entire world opening up with the thought of him was fascinating, and while I wasn’t sure I could chase these emotions in
the way the memories in my mind urged me to, I knew I wouldn’t hold myself back.
I’d never had much impulse control. At least in that, Jayce and I were one and the same. He’d never let himself be away from
Seth. I wasn’t going to break tradition now — the urge of the body I was in was far too strong.
With my mind made up, the need to move and start my new venture hummed through my veins. The good news was, it was
exactly what the facility wanted from me anyway — they wanted me to find him, to hunt him down.
Maybe they didn’t want me to take my time, and they probably didn’t want me stalking him, but I wasn’t beholden to anyone
but myself. They’d brought me back. They didn’t own me.
And they weren’t going to decide Seth’s fate.
No, that was in my hands. He belonged to me. I’d known it from the second I saw him in those eyes.
 I wondered how much of Clay was still inside him. I couldn’t fool myself into thinking he wasn’t there. The motion of his
body, the look of furious determination on his face? No, Clay was there in those depths, in the reflexes and deadly precision.
Obviously, the facility had no idea their experiment went awry. If they were telling the truth, then Seth should have been nothing
more than memories, thoughts, reflexes, and information to help my nemesis move through the world.
Just the thought made something in my chest constrict — those strange emotions I didn’t understand tried to surge to the
surface. The thought of the man who’d stared up at me with those wide, pain-filled eyes existing as nothing more than a memory
seemed so wrong in my mind.
I needed to find him again — I wanted to see how he acted when he didn’t know I was watching, when he didn’t realize he
was in danger. I had to see where the killer ended and the boy who’d looked up at me began.
It would make all the difference.
The first sign Seth was more in charge than Clay came with how easily I found him. It took me all of two hours with the
resources of the facility and a little browsing through local hotel rentals. Tapping into their security footage gave me my answer
in the form of an exhausted-looking face that held too much despair to be anyone other than Seth.
I paused the footage, my finger reaching out to trace the sharp curve of his jawline, my eyes fixating on his mouth. That
kiss… that kiss, more than anything, was drawing me back to him.
I hadn’t been lying when I said I liked to play with my food.
I packed a few weapons and headed out, intent on making sure I got to the hotel room before Clay found the strength to make
them move. If I was in his position, I would flee the state and never look back.
It was my second clue that Seth had more control than Clay. He was here because he still hoped he could recover Jayce. It
was that determination that made him follow me into the back room — the same determination combatting the logical choice to
run while he had the chance.
I wasn’t going to squander the opportunity.
I was certain the man in front of me was Seth when he didn’t notice me in the small coffee shop. He had a hoodie on that was
far too big for him. My memories told me it belonged to Jayce, and he held it against his nose, inhaling softly as he made his
way through the line. The fingers holding the fabric trembled, and I didn’t miss the soft shine of tears in his eyes before he
dropped it and stepped up to the counter.
He didn’t see me tucked into the corner, and he didn’t stop to secure the room before he turned his back to me. I could have
killed him a dozen times over, and he didn’t sense the danger.
He was murmuring to himself, and I caught enough of the conversation to realize he was speaking to Clay. My suspicions
were confirmed.
Clay was there, but he wasn’t in control of Seth’s body. He was a presence in the mind that could speak, and could lend
skills and abilities… but he wasn’t the person who bought an extra large coffee with entirely too much sugar.
Which meant the man who walked past me, his arms hugged around his center and his eyes darting around the room, was
Seth.
And the tight feeling in my chest wound so sharply it stole my breath.
After that, it was impossible to tear myself away. It felt like a tether ran taut between my body and his, and I didn’t have the
tools to cut it. I rented a room in the same hotel as him, though I was careful to make sure we were far enough apart that he
wouldn’t catch me coming or going unless I wanted him to.
It wasn’t like he was really trying. All I saw was soft paranoia and an aching loneliness. It manifested pain that formed
bruises under his hazel eyes.
I knew he was barely sleeping. For some reason, he didn’t find it necessary to close the curtains of his room, and it was too
easy for me to watch him. He paced during the night, his fingers twitching, his lips moving while he argued with the voice in
his head. And when he curled up beneath his blankets to sleep, his body never stopped moving.
Seth was so restless, I didn’t dare enter the room to snoop around while he was there during the day. I had to wait until he
went out for coffee before I climbed through his unlocked window. It was a ritual for him, waking up and sliding out to the
little shop beside the hotel. Clay either wasn’t passing along the lessons about routine being fatal to Seth, or Seth was simply
ignoring him in favor of his own impulses.
I hoped for the latter. The more control Seth had, the better chance of me catching him easily, and there was no doubt in my
mind I intended to catch him.
I intended to keep him.
Just the thought made me shudder — I’d wanted Clay, but I’d never imagined there was a permanence to the arrangement. He
was a good fuck, and the way his eyes sparked in interest when I showed him how to properly garrote an individual so they
never had a chance to scream made something in my spine tingle.
I knew, somewhere inside, Clay was a wild thing. He’d slip through my fingers if I held too tight. He was never meant for me
to hold on to, and he’d proved as much.
But Seth was different. He was soft, and his eyes were open and aching and wanting, and it made me burn to fill the empty
space that seemed left behind in the wake of Jayce disappearing.
His room was unkempt, but I was still careful when I picked through his belongings. He hadn’t brought much — a phone, a
duffle bag stuffed full of clothing, and the hoodie he seemed unwilling to part with. My fingers smoothed along the black fabric,
and a dozen images flashed behind my eyes.

Sliding it over his head when we were in the snow, because he was shivering.
Seth sneaking into the bedroom when he thought I was sleeping to snag the hoodie off the back of my chair — my fingers
reaching out in the darkness to grab his wrist and pull him close.
His body, warm and sweet against mine, with nothing but my hoodie covering him. Smooth skin and lean muscles beneath
the fabric, and —

I groaned. Knowledge of how his slender, lithe body felt beneath mine, on top of mine, writhing in pleasure, shot through me
like bolts of electricity and made my cock stiffen in my slacks. I didn’t have time for it. I considered for a moment, then pulled
the hoodie over my head. A familiar scent settled around me. It was a mixture of Seth, the sugary sweetness of him branded in
my mind, and the cologne I’d had on when I first woke.
I wanted to imprint him with a different memory, with different desires. I kept the damn thing on until the last minute, and then
pulled it off and tossed it back down. I slipped out of the room just as the door opened, and Seth came in with a cup of coffee
and the same despondent look on his face.
He sat his cup down and instantly went for the hoodie. When he pulled it over his head, I was close enough that I saw his
pupils dilate at the new smell mingling with the old. A shudder raced along his spine.
“Seth —”
“It’s fine.” He cut the voice I recognized as Clay off before he could start. Then he brought the fabric up to his nose and
inhaled deeply. When he sank into the chair and pulled his legs under the hoodie, a satisfied pulse rippled through my body.
Maybe he didn’t realize what I’d done — maybe a part of him did.
Maybe a part of Seth knew this was a game he couldn’t win. His fate changed the second they brought me into this world.
Maybe he was ready to accept the fact that Jayce Walker had been a placeholder, a bookmark for the inevitable moment I
came to claim what I wanted.
A low, purring growl tore from my chest with the thought.
I wanted him — the compelling draw was overwhelming, almost strong enough I came back through the window while he sat
with his head cradled in his arms. I wanted to pin him to the wall and strip him of everything but the black fabric. I wanted to
make him cry.
I wanted to make him need me the same way he seemed to need Jayce. I needed to hear him say my name — and the next time
he said I love you, I wanted to know it was me he was talking to. I couldn’t love him back, but I could keep him.
I would keep him.
And nothing was going to stop me.
 Chapter 9

Seth

I COULD TELL SOMEONE was watching me. It trickled through every second of my day and made my heart race and my skin
feel hot. Nothing in the room was disturbed, but there was an essence lingering in the air and rubbing against me in prickling
spikes, both painful and familiar all at once.
It was more, though. Being in this damn hotel brought to light how wrong everything felt around me. I’d grown so used to
Jayce always being there. Every day I woke and didn’t hear the sound of him rustling around in the other room left me feeling
broken open, like a fissure had cracked in my sternum when he’d given me his goodbye kiss and never healed. Every second
we were apart flayed it wider and wider until I was sure the world could see my beating and exposed heart.
And somewhere in the center of it all was the burn across the traitorous organ, a scarlet marker of my shame. It beat and
remembered Kade’s kiss, and then clenched tight from the taste of ash that remained on my tongue from the blaze he’d ignited.
I shivered at the thought and paced back and forth across the length of the small hotel room. Clay still had access to some
funds, even though he’d been dead for twenty-two years. At least, I had to assume he did when he got onto a computer and had
enough money transferred to my account to keep us afloat for the next month with a few keystrokes.
“Don’t act like you don’t know who’s watching, why you feel so restless. He was in this room.” The voice hissed unhappily
from my lips, and I startled. Clay had been quiet since our meeting with Kade. At first, I wondered if the effects of the drugs
were wearing off, if I was going to return to normal. If that was the case, maybe there was a time frame where Jayce could
come back, too. But he’d quickly thwarted my hope and simply told me he needed to think, and my brain was far too busy and
far too caring for him to assess the situation and come up with a plan to keep us alive.
When I’d asked him what he meant, he’d clammed up and stonewalled me.
It was strange, having a voice in my head ignore me, but I couldn’t really blame him. My mind probably wasn’t the best
place to be at the moment. Especially if he hated Kade as much as he kept saying… since I kept flashing back to our kiss and
then drowning in guilt that it made me feel anything at all. I missed Jayce. Missing Jayce was the only reason I’d cared about
the kiss.
After another circuit of the room, I let out a groan. I was exhausted. Frustrated fingers tugged at my hair as the words, “Go to
sleep then, idiot,” snapped from my lips.
“No.” I rustled around in my duffle for a few minutes and smirked in triumph. My fingers came out holding the little baggie of
pills Mickey gave me when this all started. Just staring at the red circles made my stomach clench — I should have given some
to Jayce. I should have told him I was taking them, and then we wouldn’t have gone there at all.
I couldn’t close my eyes and live in the swirling chaos of guilt and accusation that was my own mind for another night.
I didn’t want to sleep.
I didn’t want to dream of all the ways I could have saved us both if I’d just been honest.
I popped a red pill in my mouth even though Clay hummed in disapproval, then tossed the baggie on the dresser beside the
bed and grabbed my hoodie.
I yanked it on almost angrily, not bothering to smooth the blond curls back from my forehead before grabbing my wallet.
Clay supplied me with money, so I was damn well going to go spend some of it. It wouldn’t fix anything, but I needed to get
out. And maybe taking those damn drugs when I didn’t know what they’d done to begin with wasn’t a good idea, but I couldn’t
dream about Jayce again. And honestly, if they killed me, did it really matter?
I couldn’t keep pacing.
I couldn’t keep thinking.
I couldn’t keep wondering if there was something I could have done differently, something I could do right now, to change
how things were.
Clay remained blissfully silent when I stepped outside. Either he was sleeping in there or he just didn’t care anymore.
I wasn’t a complete suicidal mess. As much as I wanted to go back to the facility and pound on the door until they gave me
answers, I turned down the block and headed for the nearest bar instead. They had shitty food and shittier music, and maybe if I
got a little drunk I could stop thinking for a while. I was in public, and they were open until the early hours of the morning — I
could drink and wait out the effects of the alcohol until it was safe for me to walk back to the hotel. The streets were lit. There
was always a milling buzz of people.
And besides, he wants to play with his food first, right?
I couldn’t tell if the bitter thought came from Clay or myself, so I didn’t bother answering it.
I slipped into the building and spilled past the people vying for a seat at the bar. I took to the far corner of the room and felt
my gut clench in pain at the memories trying to crawl to the surface. Jayce and I frequented this little shithole. The food was
cheap, and the drinks were cheaper — sometimes he’d needed to unwind after working two shifts in a row. And even though he
was usually stoic, I could always cajole him into dancing with me at least once if I played my cards right. I lived under a
singular assumption — the more fun I could tease out of him, the better it was for Jayce’s mental health.
Our lives had always been so entwined. I felt untethered, like the gravity holding me to the ground was suddenly gone, and I
was in danger of floating away.
When a drink landed on the table in front of me, my head snapped up so fast I felt dizzy. The bartender was a man in his early
thirties who knew me by face, and I was familiar enough to know his name was Dane.
He offered a small smile. “Looks like you could use it.” Dane looked around with sharp, observant eyes. “Where’s your
other half?”
My lungs seized, and I grabbed the beer he’d dropped in front of me and downed it faster than I should have. I didn’t really
drink much. Apparently, my sputtering face was answer enough. His dark brows snapped together, and he frowned.
“Everything okay?”
“It’s fine.” I pushed the lie from my lips and managed a smile. “He’ll be around later. He’s got a late shift.”
God.
I wasn’t sure if this was ever going to get easier.
Dane shook his head and glanced at my drink. “Do you want some food? I think Jayce might beat the shit out of me if I let you
get drunk while he isn’t here.”
The mention of Jayce’s protectiveness was another lance to my chest, spurning on my bad decisions. I looked at the table for
a minute and nodded. “Fries? And maybe another one of these.” I tapped on the side of the glass. Dane glared like he wanted to
argue, like he wanted to insist I put food in my face first. Whatever he saw in my eyes must have changed his mind. He stood up
and nodded. Maybe he could see the pieces of me missing since Jayce was…
“Coming right up.”
As soon as he left, my head collapsed onto my arms, and I groaned softly. I’d thought coming out would make me feel a little
better, but I was realizing it might have been worse. The last thing I needed was to turn every corner and get slapped in the face
with a memory of a person who was...
I still couldn’t convince myself he was just… gone. His body was still walking around — his brain was still inside his body.
You couldn’t just erase a person from existence so easily, could you?
I shuddered again. The memory of Kade’s kiss, so distinct and different from Jayce, ripped through my thoughts and tried to
convince me I was wrong. I picked up the beer and drained the rest of it to erase his taste from my mind.
Somewhere between the warm feeling spilling from my stomach into my fingers and the knowledge I hadn’t eaten anything
today, I realized coming out to get drunk while a reincarnated psychopath was trying to play cat and mouse games with me
might have been a bad idea.
I also realized I didn’t care.
It was probably stupid. I was probably being very stupid, but I couldn’t summon a single shit, and Clay was blissfully silent.
When my food and drink came, I took another long draw from the tall glass and stood up. I wasn’t drunk, but the light buzz
tickling against my skin colored my world in hazy edges and made it a little easier to pretend the lie I’d told Dane was true.
Jayce was going to be here soon — he was just working a late shift. One of my favorite games to play when that happened was
getting onto the dance floor. It was one of the few ways I got him to join me, because if I knew anything about Jayce, it was a
very simple fact.
He was overly protective, and just a little jealous. The men who usually approached me on the floor were bigger than me.
They took one look at me and the word twink spilled above their head with fireworks and assumption. I would be a liar if I
said I didn’t play into it.
Jealous was one of my favorite flavors of Jayce. Maybe we weren’t in a defined and declared relationship, and maybe we
never made vows promising we wouldn’t go off with another person, but we knew how things were. I knew I wasn’t going to
go home with some tall, blond stranger… and Jayce knew as long as he pulled me off the dance floor, I’d follow him
anywhere.
I think we both thrived on feeling wanted, and knew defining it was the quickest way to ruin everything. The word boyfriend
seemed so insignificant to the way we needed one another, and the minute something had a name, it had parameters. It had
walls built to restrict and contain you. It had rules you had to follow.
Jayce didn’t like walls, and he hated rules.
I made my way to the small dance floor and shuddered. Memories of doing this a dozen times tore across my skin, and it was
easy to close my eyes and pretend things were exactly how they’d been before. In the music’s beat and the smell of sweat and
beer, I could pretend things were going to be okay.
The impossibility of what was happening made it easier than it should have been. When the next song picked up, I let my
hands trail along my torso while my body swayed to the music. I might have been lacking in confidence at other times, but when
I played this game, I knew what I was doing.
I knew the sway of my hips and the way my fingers caught on my hoodie to expose the soft definition of my stomach would
always draw someone’s attention. Just as my fingers threaded through the thick, wild curls tumbling into my closed eyes, I felt a
hand slide along my arm in question. I opened one lid to see a tall, overly muscled man with dark brown hair arch his brow
curiously. He wasn’t being pushy — the touch was an invitation.
People in the bar were never rude. They knew Dane would kick their ass if they tried. For just a moment, my chest
constricted — Jayce wasn’t going to be here to stop it this time — and then I bit my lower lip and faked a sultry smile as I
nodded.
Why was I still playing the game? I couldn’t win.
The arms wrapping around me at my invitation felt wrong, but the warmth of a body pressing into mine was almost
comforting. If I tried hard enough, maybe I could forget they weren’t the arms I actually wanted.
I knew it was a lie, but my mind was still clinging to the memory of what was supposed to happen after this. I shifted back
against the man and brought one arm up to snake around his neck. The other took his wrist to stop his hand from roaming. I kept
it firmly planted on my waist, and I rocked my body against his.
It was clear from the get-go he was into the motion of my hips in ways that had nothing to do with dancing and everything to
do with what we were pantomiming. Even with Dane’s strict rules about no one being touched against their will, I was going to
get myself into hot water if I didn’t stop soon. I wasn’t sure why I couldn’t make myself stop.
I flicked my eyes to the door, to where Jayce usually appeared, consumed by the memories playing every time I blinked. If I
closed my eyes, I could see his face darkening when he saw me wrapped around some stranger, held in their arms.
And then, like I’d manifested it, he was there when I opened my eyes.
Only, it wasn’t Jayce. I knew it from the spark of copper spilling from his pupils. I knew it because of the expensive leather
jacket he wore and the way he’d slicked his dark hair back from his face.
I knew it because he just stood there and watched me instead of coming to the dance floor, one brow arched in curious
interest.
My only excuse for what I did next was temporary insanity from grief and desperation. If Jayce was in there — if Jayce was
in there at all — he wouldn’t just be able to watch.
And I needed Jayce.
I stared into those copper-ringed eyes and smiled… and then I released the man’s wrist. I twined both my arms around his
neck, leaving my body completely vulnerable to whatever he wanted. I heard the low grunt of satisfaction behind me as I
ground back against him in invitation.
My eyes stayed locked with Kade’s while I swayed to the music. When the man’s hands moved to my waist, yanking my body
back so I could feel his hard cock pressed against me through layers of denim, I didn’t miss how his dark lashes fluttered and
then narrowed dangerously.
And I didn’t mistake the tic in his jaw when I tilted my head to the side and felt warm lips press against the curve of my
throat. A shiver rocked through me. It was my body’s involuntary response to someone touching a sensitive spot in tandem with
revulsion that the someone wasn’t who I wanted. I closed my eyes to hide the expression from my captive audience.
When they opened, Kade wasn’t in the doorway anymore.
Disappointment surged through me, but it was quickly replaced with a tremor of fear when the man behind me let out a
gasping, startled breath and his erection wilted. Strong arms slid around my waist, and I felt myself yanked back against a
familiar chest.
“You’re touching something that belongs to me. Get out.” The deadly venom in those words — those words Jayce had said
so many times — tore a whimper from my throat. “Now. Before I do something you’ll regret. He’s mine.”
I felt dizzy in his strong arms. My knees were weak with want and recognition.
This was the game I remembered, but Jayce had never sounded so vicious.
“Jesus. Whatever man.” My dance partner sulked off, and I didn’t miss the red mark on his neck — it looked like someone
grabbed him, hard.
I could barely breathe around the emotion in my chest, a strange mixture of trepidation and need. It mixed and brewed into
the perfect storm for my unhinged state of mind. Clay was shockingly and surprisingly very, very silent. Which meant I could
pretend.
Another random document with
no related content on Scribd:
que si me la hallaban quedaria
pobre y si moria sin que supiesen
donde estaba pesábame pensar
que se habia de perder. Pues
venido á mi patria y no sin
congoja y dolor, venida la noche,
cuando todos estaban en silencio
y quietud, levantabame yo y abria
las huesas adonde tenia el tesoro
enterrado y en una mesa
comenzabalo á contar y
mirandolo me pesaba porque lo
poseia, pues en conservarlo me
daba tanta congoja y dolor, y
despues de vuelto á la tierra no
podia dormir considerando si
estaba seguro allí, si los cofres en
que estaba la plata y aparador los
podian hurtar; en viendo un raton
ó una mosca luego saltaba de la
cama pensando que ladrones me
hurtaban y robaban; voceaba con
gran priesa y espanto y levantada
mi gente decianme denuestos é
injurias, que aun agora con ser
gallo no los querria sufrir,
llamabanme abariento rixoso
miserable y que ellos mismos me
robarian con enojo de mi misera
abaricia, dezian que no querian
serbirme y tenian mucha razon
porque muchas noches los azia
lebantar cinco y seys vezes que
no los dexaba dormir: ¿Quién
contaria agora, Micillo, por orden
los sobresaltos, las malas
comidas y bebidas que yo pasé?
Hallarias de verdad que son los
ricos verdaderos infelices sin
algun descanso ni plazer porque
se les va la gloria y el descanso
por otros albañares de
asechanzas que no se paresce,
ladrillados por encima con
lisonjas. E quánto mejor duerme
el pobre que no el que tiene de
guardar con solicitud lo que con
trabajo ganó y con dolor de lo
dejar. El amigo del pobre será
berdadero y el del rico simulado y
fingido, el pobre es amado por su
persona y el rico por su azienda,
nunca el rico oye verdad, todos le
dizen lisonjas y todos les
maldizen en ausencia por la
enbidia que tienen á su posesion.
Con gran dificultad allarás en el
mundo un rico que no confiese
que le será mejor estar en su
mediano estado e en esta
pobleza, porque en la berdad las
riquezas no hazen rico sino
oqupado, no hazen Señor, sino
mayordomo, y más son siervos de
sus riquezas y ellas mesmas les
acarrean la muerte, quitan el
plazer, borran las buenas
costumbres; ninguna cosa es tan
contraria del sosiego y buena bida
quel guardar y arquerir tesoros y
habellos de conservar. Gran
trabajo es sobre todo ver el
honbre veynte hyjos alredor de si
de contino pregon á Dios que yo
me aya de morir porque ellos se
entreguen y hereden mi posesion.
Pues sobre todos mis males te
quiero contar los trabajos que
pasé despues.
 CAPITULO X

Que pone como fue casado con

quatro mugeres y lo que le
sucedió con la primera; cosa
de notar.

Yo fui casado con quatro mugeres

mientras bibi, que si me oyes me
maravillaré cómo no lloras como
yo en acordarme de la mala vida
que me dieron porque sepas que
no hay dolor hasta en el casar;
con cuatro mugeres fue casado é
con todas deseando tener paz
mucha nunca me faltó guerra; la
primera con quien me casé se
llamaba Alcybia que por ser fija
de Teodosio Rey, menos preciaba
mis palabras y tenia en poco mis
obras y aun los dioses saben las
palabras que me dezia en
secreto, mis criados saben cómo
me trataba en publico y por que
bia, que procedia su desacato de
ser mejor que yo por ser hyja de
Rey.
 CAPITULO XI

Como fue casado la segunda vez

y lo que pasó con la segunda
mujer.

Ya sabras que yo me casé la

segunda vez con mujer que era
mi ygual, que se llamaba Tribuña
hyja de un Tribuno de Jerusalen y
traxo á mi poder el mayor dote
que hasta hoy se halla haver
dado en estas partidas y
pensando que por ser yguales en
personas nos acompañaría la paz
jamás con ella me faltó guerra
diziéndome que guardaba lo mio
sin lo querer comunicar y que
gastaba lo suyo en conbytes con
mujeres públicas y desonestas
haziendo desordenados gastos,
dandome afrentas en lo publico y
amenazas en lo secreto, de
donde nos benia tan cierta la
discordia quando más me era
deseada la conformidad.
Queriendome dar los dioses
entera vengança en ella,
dieronme en ella un hyjo que
despues de sus dias que fueron
brebes heredó los bienes de la
madre por quya muerte
sucedieron en mi; en biendo la
desgracia que habia tenido en las
dos vezes que me abia casado, la
vna por ser la mujer mejor que yo
é la segunda por lo mucho que
me dieron.
 CAPITULO XII

Como se casó la tercera vez y lo

que con le sucedio.

Gallo.—Proquré de casarme la
tercera vez con una que se llamó
Laureola hyja de Aureo Consul
que ni en generacion ni estado
era mi ygual, salbo que era la
más apuesta dama que en toda la
probincia se halló, la qual tomé
porque siendo pobre y no de tan
buena parte no tenia causa de
conquistarme como las pasadas.
Quiero dezir, amigo Micyllo, sy
con las pasadas habia tenido
trabajada bida, con aquella no me
faltaron tragos de muerte, porque
sintiendose tan soblimada en
hermosura y a mi con sennales
de vejez en la cara y con algunas
canas y con algun desquydo della
en la cama y sin dientes para
comer, dezia cosas abominables
contra su padre, porque siendo
ella tan hermosa la habia casado
con honbre tan feo, pudiendo
enplearla en persona de mayor
merescimiento y de menor edad
con que ella pudiera mejor gozar
su edad é hermosura; digote en
verdad, Micillo amigo, que
haziendome vna mannana de
dormido le oí dezir estando en
contemplacion: ¡oh! malandantes
sean los dioses y todo esto que
permiten y ordenan, pues
ordenaron y permitieron que mi
gentileza y hermosura se pusiese
en poder deste monstruo, el qual
piensa que con los bienes me
paga y que con el buen
tratamiento me contenta y con las
palabras me satisfaze. Sy supiera
en quanto tengo sus riquezas y el
caso que hago de su tratamiento
y lo que estimo sus buenas
palabras, no haria bida conmigo,
é maldita sea la donzella que se
casa con quien no conosce
porque no se vea engannada y
lastimada segun yo agora;
pluguiera á los dioses que me
traxeran agora no á poder de
quien tanto duerme y de quien tan
poco bela, bueno para lo que le
cumple, malo para lo que le
conbiene, diestro á las malicias,
torpe en las buenas obras. Bien
penso Areo Consul, mi padre, que
en darme este marido me hazia
gran bien y merced; bien paresce
que tubo mayor quydado de su
probecho que dolor de mi daño.
Si tubiera memoria de mi bien no
me procurara tanto mal; penso
que me casaba con él para tener
descanso, yo pienso que jamas
me faltará trabajo, porque quien
duerme despues de haber
dormido y no trabaja despues de
haber holgado como este bestiglo
haze ¿qué puedo esperar del sino
que el bibira con su desquydo y
yo morire con mi quydado? a él
se pasa en sueños la vida y a mi
se me trasporta en trabajos el
tiempo, maldita sea yo quando
dixe de sy; ¿por qué no dixe de
no? porque me matara un honbre
bibo y no me diera vida un
hombre muerto; aunque creo que
la vida que me dara será tal como
de las otras dos mugeres que ha
tenido; pluguiese á los dioses que
asi como agora está se quedase y
que nunca mas mis ojos le viesen
despierto. Y quando vi, Micillo,
que tan deshonestas cosas dezia
hize que despertaba por no oyr
otras peores en viendome
despierto; lebantóse de apar de
mí más enojada que contenta,
diziendo que me levantase en
hora mala que se me pasaba el
tiempo en dormir, sobre lo qual
benimos en tanta descordia que
no descansé hasta que puse las
manos en ella y de aquel enojo
murio, de cuya muerte y no
menos de la vida quedé con tal
escarmiento que acordandome de
aquella muger y no poniendo en
olbido las otras propuse de hacer
vida solo y no mal acompañado, y
no queriendo olbidarme la
rigorosa fortuna de contentarse
con el mal pasado me dieron a
Coridona por muger, con la qual
por...
 CAPITULO XIII

Como casó la quarta vez y lo que

con esta muger le sucedio.

Gallo.—Y ansi no quiriendo

olbidarme la rigurosa fortuna de
contentarse con el mal pasado
me dieron a Coridona por muger,
con la qual por su buena fama
casé, porque ni era hermosa ni
fea, ni tan poco baxa de estado ni
alta de generacion y antes pobre
que rica, y si con ella casé no
pienso, amigo Micillo, que lo
causó el apetito de la voluntad ni
aun el contento que me quedó de
las mujeres pasadas, salvo por el
deseo que tenia de haber hijos y
tambien por la necesidad que
tenia de la guarda de mis bienes y
por otras causas que son
legitimas para ello y tambien
porque pensaba que no teniendo
alguna cosa de las que las otras
pasadas tenian no me daría la
vida que las otras me daban, en
especial siendo en todas sus
operaciones la mejor y mas sana
donzella que creo en el mundo se
hallase; mas quiero que sepas,
Micillo, que si me guerreó la
primera por ser de mejor parte
que yo y la segunda por ser el
dote tan grande que me dio y la
tercera por la gran hermosura que
poseyó, que tambien me dio
guerra Coridona porque muy
buena se halló. La qual quando
guerrear me queria me ponia
delante el tratamiento que las
otras mujeres pasadas me
hazian, diciendome: ni vos me
meresceys ni ellas fueron mis
yguales, porque aunque en linaje
la una me hizo ventaja y la otra en
riquezas y la otra en hermosura,
yo se la hago á ellas en ser muy
mejor de mi persona y condicion
que ninguna dellas, porque si la
primera os trató con poca estima
yo os trato con mucha, y si la
segunda os pedia quenta en qué
dispendiays sus bienes yo huelgo
que dispendiays los vuestros; y si
la tercera os agrabiaba con sobra
de palabras yo os sirvo con sobra
de buenas obras; de tal manera
que apenas le hablaba con
paciencia, quando luego me
respondia con yra diciendome:
peores afrentas que las pasadas
mujeres habia menester yo que
no della; que ellas me trataban
como yo merescia; de donde
venia que ella por mucho hablar,
yo por poco sufrir le daba algunos
castigos y venia en tanta
diferencia con ella y en tanta
guerra y discordia que parescia
que era más que no las pasadas,
y aun digote, amigo, en verdad
que fueron mayores las que
tubimos despues que engendró
un hijo, que quisimos mucho, y
aun mucho, mas á menudo
reñiamos que antes que lo
hubiese; lo uno por el preñado; lo
otro porque se tenia por muy
buena no osaba hablarle lo que
me combenia por no venir con
ella en enojo; en fin ella se murio
y si más me durara yo me
enterrara vivo, porque no me
aquerdo estar dia sin pasion ni
noche sin renzilla, y yo quedé
della tan hostigado que me
paresce que hace mas el hombre
que sufre á la muy buena mujer
que la mujer que sufre al mal
varon; por que no hay ninguno
por malo que sea que una vez en
el dia no perdona la falta de su
muger, ni ninguna muger por muy
buena que sea que disimule ni
enqubra la quiebra del baron;
nunca vi cordura tan acertada
como lo que hizo Udalio Gario en
Jerusalen cuando fue
importunado por los tribunos que
se casase con Palestina, que
porque no veniese el casamiento
en efeto puso fuego a todos sus
bienes y pregutado porqué lo hizo
responde que porque queria mas
estar pobre y solo que no rico y
mal acompañado, porque sabia
que Palestina era mujer loca y
presuntuosa; y otra cosa hizo
Anteo en Grecia; que por no sufrir
las airadas palabras de Hentria su
mujer se subio á un gran monte y
hizo sacreficio de si mismo
quemandose en un gran fuego;
Fulsio Catulo en Asia que era del
linaje de los partos, viendose
descontento con Mina su mujer
por la mala vida que con ella
tenia, se subio con ella á la mas
alta torre de sus palacios y
diciendo, nunca plega á los
dioses que tú, Mina, des á otro
ningun varon mala vida, ni á mi
buena otra mujer; y acabadas
estas palabras la lanzó de la torre
abajo no quedando él encima.
Mira bien, Micillo, qué felicidad
tienen con sus riquezas los ricos y
qué descanso con las mujeres
que son casadas; mira si tien aqui
qué desear.
Micillo.—¡Oh! mi buen
Pitágoras, cuan notables cosas
has traido á mi noticia; por cierto
á mi me parescen increibles
cuando son tan admirables. Mas
dime agora, porque rescibo gran
deleite [en] te oir, ¿que fueste de
ti despues que fueste Epulon el
rico?
 CAPITULO XIV

Como de Epulon fue

transformado en asno; cosa de
notar y gran sentencia.

Gallo.—Oyeme, mi buen Micillo,

que yo te satisfare; sabras que
como complí el espacio de mi
vida en el qual había de dejar de
ser Epulon, fue llevado á los
infiernos á ser sentenciado de mis
costumbres y despues que con
gran compaña de ánimas me
pasó en su barca Aqueron, fue
presentado ante las Furias
infernales Aleto y Tesifone y los
jueces Minos y Pluton, los quales
estaban asentados en un tribunal
cercados de los acusadores y en
siendo empresentado vi ante los
ojos junto todo mi mal, que me
parescio que otra vez pasaba por
él; y como le vi rescebí muy
entrañable dolor, tan grande que
tuviera por bien dejar de ser;
despues que Minos me hubo
desanimado mandó que me
leyesen la sentencia conforme á
su ley é levantóse un viejo calvo
de gran autoridad é abriendo un
libro dijo ansí: ley teneis ¡oh
dioses! conforme á la qual el
mismo se puede condenar; pues
oíd; el viejo en alta voz leyo ansi:
porque los ricos en el mundo
mientras viven cometen
nefandísimos pecados, robos,
usuras, latrocinios, fuerzas,
teniendo á los pobres en
menosprecio, es determinado por
toda nuestra infernal
congregación que sus cuerpos
padezcan penas entre los
condenados y sus ánimas
vuelvan al mundo á informar
cuerpos de asnos, hasta que
conforme á sus obras sea nuestra
voluntad. Y como fuese leida esta
ley, mandó Minos que fuese asno
diez años y luego lo aprobo toda
la congregacion y aulló
Proserpina y ladró muy
fieramente el can Cerbero, porque
se requería esta solenidad porque
fuese alguna cosa firme y
enviolabre en el infierno, y como
no pude suplicar fue sacado de
allí y en esta oportunidad
ofreciose en Egito estar de parto
una burra de un geciano, y como
vino á parir yo me vine á ser el
asno primero que nasció, y
desque yo me vi metido en
cuerpo tan vil pense rebentar de
enojo; mas como vi que era
escusada mi pasion pues traía
poco provecho el mucho me
doler, aunque por una parte
pense dejarme morir de hambre y
no mamar pensandome escapar
de la cruel sentencia, mas desque
consideré que era inviolable ley y
ya estaba determinado en el
senado infernal y como vi que
aquel egicio era rico que me
podia bien mantener determiné de
sufrir con paciencia mi malhadada
suerte, pensando que podia venir
á manos de otro en el mundo que
no me tratase tan bien, y más que
como mi amo me veia pequeño y
bonito y el primero y que con
grandes aullidos me apartaba de
la madre y no queria mamar,
entre tres hermanos mios se
condolia de mi y me traia con
gran piedad á las tetas y puestas
á la boca me las apretaba y
aunque yo no queria me hacia
mamar por fuerza.
Micillo.—¡Oh! donosa
transformacion de rey y filósofo
en asno; ¿y no rescibias en ello
enojo? porque me huelgo en te lo
oir.
Gallo.—Ansi como acaesce
deleitarse el hombre recontando
entre sí aquello que en tiempos
pasados con prospero estado le
acaesció y se regocija en lo
contar de nuevo mill veces á sus
amigos, representándoles
qualquiera particularidad notable
que en ello se ofreciere, ansi sin
ninguna comparacion apasionan
más las adversidades traidas á la
memoria, enojan considerar de
mucho qualquiera miseria y fatiga
que cada cual pasó; mas yo tengo
por bien padescer cualquiera
dolor que de contarte mis trabajos
se me puede seguir, por te
complacer. Y ahora, Micillo,
sabrás que como fue
convalesciendo en edad con gran
regalo como el egicio me criaba,
esforceme á sufrir mi miseria
aunque conosciese mi dolor, y
mientra fue pequeño no tengo
cosa que de contarte sea, porque
con la niñez todos los animales
pasan el mal sin sufrir. Inviábame
con [mis] hermanos al prado y
despues que de mamar y pascer
las yerbas tiernas estábamos
hartos, armabamos batallas por
aquellos campos deleitosos;
corriamos con grandes relinchos y
saltos; ansi veniamos á juntar con
los pechos é boca, peleabamos
sin nos herir y despues con
mucho placer volviamos á
escaramuzar é íbamos á las viñas
y mieses; con gran sabor
hartábamos nuestros estomagos
á nuestro querer, y si los