From Classroom to Clinician-How to

Practice Medicine Safely and

Confidently as a New Graduate Nurse
Practitioner or Physician Assistant
(Aug 1, 2023)_(9798987048139)_(Stangl
Medical LLC) John Stangl
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 How to Practice Medicine Safely
and Confidently as a New Graduate
Nurse Practitioner or Physician Assistant

FROM
CLASSROOM
TO

Avoid Common New Grod Errors

in Your First Year

J O H N S T A N G L, P A- C
 FROM CLASSROOM TO CLINICIAN
HOW TO PRACTICE MEDICINE SAFELY AND CONFIDENTLY AS A
NEW GRADUATE NURSE PRACTITIONER OR PHYSICIAN ASSISTANT

JOHN STANGL, PA-C

Copyright © 2023 Stangl Medical LLC
All rights reserved.
ClassroomToClinician.com
Contact: StanglMedical1 (at) Gmail.com
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This self-published book, compiled from the author's notes and experiences, aims to offer guidance and resource
recommendations for new graduates in medicine. While accurate to the author’s knowledge, the material is not comprehensive,
and its validity can't be assured. The author does not have a team of peer reviewers and editors to ensure all errors have been
removed. The field of medicine is dynamic and individualized; thus, clinicians must validate the information with current
guidelines and up-to-date references, taking responsibility for their medical decisions.
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Please remember that this book is only an information resource. It doesn't substitute professional advice or form any patient-
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 TABLE OF CONTENTS

Introduction

I. The next phase

1. Normalizing new grad emotions
2. Get organized for success with graduation checklists
II. How to find a job with good support
3. Navigating the job search
4. Optimize your application
5. Ace the interview
6. Identify red flags and avoid toxic work environments
7. Find the ideal practice and attending physician
8. Navigate job offers wisely
9. Become a master negotiator
10. Decoding employment contracts
11. Action items
III. How to onboard efficiently and develop relationships
12. Strategies for efficient onboarding
13. EMR Crashcourse: Streamline your daily processes
14. Cultivate a great relationship with your attending physician
15. Set good first impressions with support staff
IV. How to work up patients early in your career
16. Order sets and algorithms
17. Personalizing order sets for the patient in front of you
18. Finding a balance in ordering tests
V. How to level up your clinical evaluation skills
19. Step 1: Determine stability
20. Step 2a: Background review
21. Step 2b: Foreground assessment
22. Step 2c: Toolkits to craft a DDx
23. Step 2d: Putting in orders
24. Step 3a: Medical decision making
25. Step 3b: Frame the problem statement
26. Disposition: admit or discharge?
27. Action items
VI. How to interpret test results
28. Decoding the CBC
29. Dissecting the CMP
30. A simplified approach to acid-base
31. Abnormal labs case practice
32. The test is negative, now what do I do?
33. A clinical approach to EKGs
34. Approach to “too fast” and “too slow” EKG buckets
35. Approach to other EKG buckets
36. Action items
VII. How to prescribe medications safely
37. Prescribing fundamentals
38. New grad medication errors
39. High-risk medications and interactions
40. High-risk patient populations for medications
 41. Pain medications and pitfalls
42. Antibiotics 101
43. Life-saving medication reference
44. Action items
VIII. How to communicate and document effectively
45. Advanced strategies for calling consultations
46. Build rapport with good patient communication
47. Writing a professional medical note
48. Action items
IX. How to recognize and manage high-risk situations
49. Risk mitigation best practices
50. The approach to abnormal vital signs
51. Managing risk and next steps
52. Action items
X. How to learn the clinical medicine of your specialty
53. Highest-yield study content
54. Develop an effective study routine
55. Action items
XI. Specialty-specific considerations
56. Acute care transition plan
57. Primary care transition plan
58. The best resources for other specialties

The mega summary: From Classroom to Clinician

Feedback request
Conclusion
Appendix: Bonus chapter 1 — Personal finance fundamentals
Appendix: Bonus chapter 2— PA & NP Disability insurance
Acknowledgements
Glossary
INTRODUCTION

“Being a new grad sucks. There I said it. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but WOW this first job out of school has
me questioning if I’m cut out to be a provider. I’m not confident and imposter syndrome is getting to me.
Sometimes I wonder, what the heck did I even learn during my years in PA school? There is a ton that I have
no idea how to handle. And even for the things I know, I’m not confident enough to make a decision. What is
wrong with me?” —— Anonymous New Grad PA-C

Sound familiar? I have heard stories like this every month for as long as I can remember. The
stress and anxiety are palpable. I felt the same way at my first job and so does every new
graduate, whether they admit it or not.
Transitioning to practice is an immense challenge for us as advanced practice providers
(APPs). There is a knowledge gap between where we are left after graduation and where we need
to be for medical practice.
We have historically relied on employers to bridge the gap. However, practices are under
increasing stress as patient volumes increase and reimbursements decrease. Employer support for
new graduates is stretched thin. APP residency programs remain a great option, but many cannot
choose this option for financial or logistical reasons.
That leaves each of us struggling to bridge the gap ourselves. Yet, navigating this journey
without mentorship can be inefficient and overwhelming. What’s more, it takes several years to
learn clinical medicine. How can new graduates deliver care safely in the interim?
This book offers clear guidance on overcoming this central challenge in your new career.
You will learn how to:

Find a job with good support and oversight.

Overcome counter-productive emotions like imposter syndrome.
Level up your clinical evaluation skills with specific techniques to avoid misdiagnosis.
Use clinical decision support systems (“external brains”) to help you order and
interpret tests correctly.
Prescribe medications safely and effectively.
Communicate and document well — in patient presentations, consultations, and
admissions.
Identify any patient’s risk of serious pathology, so you know when to ask for help.
Understand and overcome the common cognitive errors new graduates face.
Implement risk-mitigation best practices.
WHO AM I?
I am a practicing PA and clinical educator with nearly a decade of experience. I attended Einstein
Medical Center’s 18-month emergency medicine PA residency program along with a class of
physician residents. I saw first-hand how physicians are trained and now understand why it is the
gold standard.
Since graduating, I have worked in high-acuity emergency medicine and am now an assistant
program director at the Washington Emergency Care Physicians APP post-graduate training
program. Our team has reflected for years on how to train new graduates to a level of excellence.
I have walked the path of the stressed and overwhelmed new graduate. Those old emotions
resurface when I hear about other new grads’ struggles. I wrote this book to address these
challenges and make this transition smoother for all.

THE BOOK’S FOCUS

I recognize the new grad reality — you can’t learn everything immediately. The book’s content
will narrow your focus in three ways.
First, it focuses on the subset of clinical medicine needed to keep you and your patients safe.
Namely, how to detect high-risk conditions and avoid causing iatrogenic harm. With these skills,
you’ll know when to seek help immediately and when you have time to sort things out.
Second, it narrows your focus to the subset of patients you are most likely to miss things: the
mid-acuity patient. Healthy patients with mild complaints are low-risk, and critically ill patients
are easy to spot. The patients in the middle are the most challenging. These patients look well but
have comorbidities or subtle clues for danger that we must recognize.
Lastly, the book highlights the most common mistakes new graduates are prone to making, so
you know how to avoid them. Each chapter will include these clinical pearls and pitfalls.
The target audience for this book is new graduate APPs who will assess, diagnose, and treat
patients with medical complaints. The content is relevant for most specialties. This book seeks to
reinforce the essential foundations of general medicine before you delve too far into a specialty-
specific focus. However, outpatient practices managing chronic disease for patients with
established diagnoses may not benefit.

This book will not replace your schooling, on-the-job training, or comprehensive specialty
textbooks. Instead, it will give you a sneak peek into your future life in practice and the
challenges you’ll face — and summarizes the key knowledge and resources you’ll need to
succeed.
Your journey will be challenging, but it is worth it. On the other end awaits a gratifying
career. I hope you think of me as your mentor and friend, cheering you on each step of the way.
Let’s begin!
 PART ONE
THE NEXT PHASE
CHAPTER 1
NORMALIZING NEW GRAD
EMOTIONS

“I’m in my last year of NP school at a top brick-and-mortar institution and will graduate soon. I’m currently
doing my internal medicine rotation, and I am completely overwhelmed at how little I know! The residents
and APPs discuss patient cases and I struggle to keep up.
I want to be a knowledgeable NP who can carry myself on a team, but I feel so far behind. Imposter
syndrome sucks. When does this get better?” —— Graduating NP Student

G RADUATING from a PA or NP program is a tremendous achievement. As you transition into the

real world of clinical practice, it's natural to encounter a whirlwind of emotions. Some of these
emotions will be positive, but many will be negative.
While negative feelings are common, they can quickly become counterproductive if not
managed effectively. Excessive stress and anxiety can impair your learning in this important first
year that demands rapid growth.
Emotions are the first hurdle to overcome in your next phase. This chapter focuses on the
most common feelings new graduates experience (listed below) and the tried-and-true strategies
to overcome them:

Embarrassment
Low Confidence
Imposter Syndrome
Mindset Challenges
Motivation Challenges
Balancing Work and Personal Life

MOVE PAST EMBARRASSMENT

In the first week rounding with my team in the hospital, an attending told me, “John, get a hold
of the disaster lab for this patient.” I thought to myself, that’s bizarre. I’ve never heard of a
disaster lab before. But this patient is really sick, so that must be what they do here… I got on
the phone in front of everyone and asked the hospital operator for the “Disaster lab, please.” The
whole group burst out laughing and the attending said, “You misheard — I asked for the
vascular lab.” My coworkers never let me live it down, and we still laugh about it to this day.
The takeaway: Don’t take yourself too seriously. Mistakes are inevitable, and luckily most
will be inconsequential. Instead of stressing over them, try to laugh it off and move on.
UNDERSTAND AND ACCEPT LOW CONFIDENCE
I remember feeling jealous of one classmate who boasted supreme confidence at graduation and
“hit the ground running” in their first job. Meanwhile, I felt as if I didn’t know anything.
Years later, my mentor taught me about the Dunning-Kruger effect and shared a valuable
lesson: low confidence is a good sign. It reflects your insight into the immense challenge that is
practicing medicine. Those with unfounded faith in their abilities are the most dangerous of all.
The ideal mindset for the new graduate is a humble acknowledgment of your clinical limitations
paired with enthusiasm and determination to grow.
The takeaway: Accept that you have low confidence for now. Develop a plan to reach
competence that you are happy with. Then, put one foot in front of the other and trust the
process. Over time, your confidence will naturally grow.

Dunning-Kruger Effect: The least competent people are prone to

overestimate their abilities and have a false sense of confidence. They are in
a state of “unconscious incompetence.” Figure by Jens Egholm Pedersen,
with permission.

COMBAT IMPOSTER SYNDROME

Another counter-productive emotion is Imposter Syndrome, the feeling that you don’t truly
belong. It's as if you've somehow sneaked in the back door, and it’s only a matter of time before
you are kicked out.
We all feel this, yet we still deserve to be here. Before long, every one of us becomes a
competent member of the medical team and provides a benefit to our communities.
The takeaway: Whenever you feel imposter syndrome setting in, remember that you are
exactly where you are expected to be, and this too will pass.

ADOPT A GROWTH MINDSET: THE KEY TO RESILIENCE

How will you react when you encounter challenges throughout the next year?
The first step in overcoming these emotional challenges is embracing a growth mindset.
Psychologist Carol Dweck popularized this term in her book Mindset and argues that abilities
can be developed through hard work, dedication, and learning from mistakes. In contrast, a fixed
mindset is a belief that intelligence is predetermined and cannot be changed.
Adopting a growth mindset can be transformative for those in medicine. When you encounter
a challenging patient case or an unfamiliar procedure, you’ll view these as opportunities to
expand your knowledge and skills instead of retreating into self-doubt. You'll understand that
mastering the art of medicine is a continuous journey, and each setback is a stepping stone to
becoming a better practitioner.
The takeaway: Listen to your inner dialogue as you encounter challenges and reframe
towards the positive. “I can’t do this” becomes “I can’t do this yet.”

REKINDLE YOUR MOTIVATION

The next strategy to overcome emotional hurdles is remembering your “why.” This concept,
highlighted by Angela Duckworth in her book, Grit, is about tapping into the core reasons that
drove you to pursue your medical career.
Take a moment to reflect on why you chose this path. Was it to help people in their time of
need? Was it a personal experience that drew you into healthcare? Whatever your motivation,
revisiting these core drivers can help rekindle your passion and provide the strength to overcome
challenges.
Motivations will be different for everyone, but rest assured, you’ve chosen a great path. I
have loved my medical career, as do countless others. Douglas Wong is a practicing PA who
describes his joy in practicing medicine:

“I’ve worked in a lot of fields. Web Design, IT, Retail, Real Estate, and Education. And the thing I love most
about medicine is that almost all my time is spent in the pursuit of making people's lives better.
This happens as a result of my decisions, built upon the edifice of two hundred years of human progress.
When I don't have the answer, I can easily turn to the pinnacle of human training in physicians for guidance
and teaching.
Human beings and the world we have built are flawed and broken. The decisions we make as a society
are wrought with mistakes. But in this role, as a PA, I can be part of the effort to make things a little better. I
get to fix things. People get better. That's what I love most.”

DOUGLAS WONG, PA-C

The takeaway: Take a moment to revisit your motivations and keep them top of mind when
you hit bumps in the road.

BALANCING WORK AND PERSONAL LIFE: THE ART OF WELL-

BEING
Our final strategy is striking a healthy balance between your work and personal life. Medicine
tends to envelop people if they aren’t careful, leading to burnout. I learned this the hard way. I
enjoyed learning medicine so much that it became a 7-days-a-week endeavor, putting an unfair
strain on my family.
It's crucial to set boundaries and preserve time for rest and rejuvenation. Designate specific
times for self-care activities that bring you joy, relaxation, and detachment from work. Whether
reading a book, practicing yoga, or spending time with loved ones, make these activities a non-
negotiable part of your routine.
Moreover, protect your time off. Guard the days that overlap with your family and
friends and ensure that these times are free from work-related tasks or discussions. Giving your
mind a chance to recharge from the pressures of medicine will significantly boost your resilience
and overall mental well-being. Over time, you'll find that this balance leads to increased
effectiveness in your work.
The takeaway: Create a schedule that emphasizes relationships and time away from
medicine, and stick with it.

LOOKING AHEAD
As you stand at the beginning of this new chapter of your life, you may ask, "When does it get
better? When will I start to feel confident?" Here is the short answer: success breeds confidence.
You will learn clinical medicine and practice applying it during periods of supervision. After
repeatedly seeing successful results, your confidence will naturally set in. Each good outcome
will be a brick in the foundation of your confidence.
The hard part is enduring the early phases until you gain the necessary experience. The
question becomes, “Do I have the mental fortitude to endure?”
Pause and take a moment to evaluate your mental well-being. Assess where you stand on the
spectrum from healthy stress to maladaptive anxiety. If you find yourself leaning more towards
the latter, it's perfectly okay.

There are resources available and steps you can take to manage your emotional state better:

Embrace your support system: Lean on your loved ones. Your friends and family
are your emotional backbone. Reach out to them when you need a boost, share your
worries, and let their encouragement fortify your resolve.
Tap into your professional network: Your colleagues, mentors, and other contacts in
the medical field can provide invaluable perspective and guidance. Their reassurances
and advice will remind you that what you're going through is a normal part of the
journey.
Continue learning: Learn from the wisdom from the books mentioned in this chapter
— Mindset and Grit. These resources compile decades of research and offer insights
into overcoming emotional challenges.

I don’t want to suggest that everyone will have universally terrible experiences in their first
year. There will be many positive experiences — but you don’t need a guidebook for those. My
goal here was to equip you with the right mindset so that you’ll be ready to handle any challenge
that comes your way. As they say, prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
CHAPTER 2
GET ORGANIZED FOR SUCCESS
WITH GRADUATION CHECKLISTS

B EING well-organized is essential for a smooth transition from graduation to clinical practice.
Poor organization can lead to missed deadlines, forgotten tasks, and uncompleted paperwork,
which can delay your start date and first paycheck. Some of my colleagues have experienced
delays of three months or more due to minor oversights that caused them to miss credentialing
windows.
Using checklists can mitigate these risks. They provide an efficient means of managing tasks
and ensuring no steps are missed. I've prepared two checklists to guide you through this phase of
your career.

PRE-GRADUATION CHECKLIST
In the time leading up to your graduation, focus on solidifying your professional network.
Complete the following tasks while you still have access to your university email. Once you lose
your school email, you will lose access to much of this information.

(1) Create a document for the contact information of your classmates, school faculty, and the preceptors you
rotated with.

(2) Add these contacts on LinkedIn, giving people an easy way to find you if they lose your contact
information.

(3) Reach out to your preceptors. I recommend asking preceptors for help with the job search four to six
months before graduation.

(4) Prepare your finances for the “financial drought,” or the time between graduation and your first
paycheck.

Even for those who got a job offer before graduating, licensing and credentialing always take
longer than expected. The turnaround time varies widely but has lasted six months after
graduation for many new grads.
If you foresee yourself running out of funds, consider maxing out your loans during your last
semester in school. If all parties signed the job offer, you can also ask your future employer for a
loan or an advance on your first paycheck.

POST-GRADUATION CHECKLIST
Once you've graduated, shift your focus to maneuvering through various state and federal
licensing procedures. These steps don’t need to be completed sequentially, but the steps labeled
as “rate-limiting” should be your top priority:

(1) Pass your boards. Follow the steps they indicate after passing. This involves registering on your
profession’s website (e.g., NCCPA), getting your certificate, and more.

(2) Apply for a National Provider Identifier (NPI) number at https://nppes.cms.hhs.gov. This number is
used in billing and documentation. They will ask you to list a business address. DO NOT put your home
address or phone number. Anyone searching for your name online can find this information. Even if you
think posting your personal information for a month or two until you find a job won’t be a problem, it will.
This information gets immediately distributed all over the internet. Instead, use your employer’s or school’s
address until you get your first job.

(3) Apply for your state medical/nursing license. Licensing and hospital credentialing are the rate-limiting
steps preventing you from working, so get on top of them ASAP. Ask your school faculty if they know of any
way to expedite state licensing. When I graduated in Wisconsin, we’d have our license processed within a
week if we submitted the documents in person at our local office. The process would take two months or more
if submitted by mail.

(4) Apply for a DEA license if you have a job lined up. This will require a business address. They usually
issue the DEA within a few weeks of applying, so it can be safely delayed until you get a job.

(5) Make sure your BLS and ACLS are up to date.

(6) Upload all of these important licensing documents to the cloud. Keep track of your receipts when
paying licensing-related fees because most jobs will reimburse you later.

With the checklists freeing up some mental bandwidth, you can focus more of your energy
on securing your first job. This is an exciting phase and one that the next section will prepare you
for.
 PART TWO
HOW TO FIND A JOB WITH GOOD SUPPORT
YOUR FIRST JOB
Finding a job with good support is one of the most important things you can do to ensure safe
medical practice in your first year. The rest of the book discusses topics like improving your
diagnostic and treatment skills. These are great, but they take time to develop. Your employer
and attending physician will be your critical safety net from day one while you hone your skills.
Consider this new graduate comparing and contrasting their job with that of a classmate:

“My classmate took a job with a hospitalist group with minimal orientation or training.
It was a high-pressure environment, and they managed complex patients independently
within a few weeks. They told me about a case of a sick asthmatic who wasn’t
responding to typical therapy. Their attending was unavailable, as frequently happened.
They felt alone and overwhelmed.
In contrast, I found a great job where my group understands the challenges a new
APP faces. The open-door policy of my supervising physician, frequent check-ins, and
help from the experienced support staff allows me to practice as part of a team. I
recognize that I have a lot to learn, but the pressure isn’t all on my shoulders. I can tell
we are delivering great patient care.”

Your top priority right now should be to seek out a job with good support. We will review
each step in the job search from start to finish and share concrete advice to achieve this goal.
But prepare yourself — it won’t be easy. The job search can feel like an uphill battle for new
graduates. Every employer seems to list “two years of experience required.” How can you break
into your specialty and find a good job? The next chapters will review the following:

The application process

Creating a compelling CV and Cover Letter
Acing interviews
Avoiding red flags
Seeking positive qualities
Negotiating a better package
Deciphering contracts
Deciding between multiple offers
CHAPTER 3
NAVIGATING THE JOB SEARCH

T HERE ARE countless ways you could go about starting your job search. The key to success lies
in your process to tackle this challenge. This chapter will unpack a strategy that prioritizes your
best resources first.

I recommend the following step-by-step approach:

(1) Leverage your personal network. Start with your network, as they will yield far more
than the other options. Contact your preceptors and past employers to ask if their group is hiring.
If not, send them your CV and ask them to keep you in mind for future positions. Expand your
network by joining local professional organizations for your specialty and attending local
conferences.
(2) Explore local hospital and clinic websites. Many hospitals and clinics post job openings
on their website alone. Since these don’t get nearly as many views as the major job boards, your
chances will be much higher with these postings. If you are interested in family medicine, try
searching for clinics in your area. Bookmark these clinic websites and check them regularly. If
they don’t have any active postings, you can email the practice manager your CV and cover
letter to keep on hand should an opening arise.
You want to be the first person to apply when they post a new job listing. Most groups only
post positions when they have immediate needs, so they will want to move quickly with the first
candidates who apply. For small local groups rarely updating their websites, consider using a
Website Change Detector like FollowThatPage.com. This will automatically email you
whenever new posts are added to the “job postings” page, guaranteeing you’ll be on the top of
the interview pile.
(3) Job-posting websites. Start with websites specific to the medical community, like the
AAPA Job Board, ENP Network, Health eCareers, and PracticeMatch. If those don’t have
relevant job postings, you can search the generic job boards like Indeed, LinkedIn, and Monster.
I’d encourage you to apply to positions listed for “Just PAs” and “Just NPs,” regardless of your
title. These sites make it easy to upload your materials and apply to many jobs simultaneously
but tend to give lower yields. Set up alerts to receive new job postings matching your criteria.
(4) Recruiters. I include these lower in the list as they are often tasked with staffing
notoriously hard-to-fill positions and, therefore, not likely a good job for a new graduate. The
exception would be unfilled positions simply because they are rural and might otherwise be a
great learning environment. Beware, once recruiters get your information, they will contact you
regularly and for life! Use an email address and Google Voice number specifically for recruiter
use.
Now that you're equipped with a clear strategy for your job search, it's time to ensure your
application materials are up to par. These documents serve as your first impression and are
crucial in getting you past the initial screening stage.
CHAPTER 4
OPTIMIZE YOUR APPLICATION

C REATING an outstanding job application is akin to crafting a compelling story — one that tells
potential employers who you are, what you've done, and how you can contribute to their
organization. In this chapter, we will dissect the key components of this narrative: your
Curriculum Vitae (CV), your cover letter, and your professional references. These tools will
open the door to the next critical stage — the job interview.

PERFECTING YOUR CURRICULUM VITAE (CV)

Your CV is the professional synopsis of your career journey. Start with a succinct professional
summary (2-3 sentence max) articulating who you are and what you seek in a job. Make this
specific to the role you're applying for.
Next, detail your graduate education, expanding on the experiences relevant to the job you
are applying for. If you apply to emergency medicine (EM), share your rotation experiences in
EM, trauma surgery, and acute care pediatrics. For unrelated rotations, list the rotation name
alone.
Include any prior work experience relevant to the role. Towards the bottom, you can
include any certifications you have accrued (e.g., ACLS), relevant skills (e.g., bilingual), and
pertinent awards. Last, I like to include a fun fact about myself at the bottom of my CV to
spark conversation during the interview. Most new grads’ CVs will be one to two pages on
average.
What sets successful CVs apart is their use of objective, impressive numbers. You should
detail why you are stronger compared to the average student. If you chose an elective in family
medicine and had twice the number of hours as the average student, spell that out. Share the
numbers if you did substantial procedures related to that specialty. If the numbers are not
impressive, write that you had experience performing the procedures but omit the exact number.
On the next page, I’ll share the CV I used to get my job years ago. It mirrors what I see in the
successful candidates applying today. If you’d like to use this CV as a template, I have shared it
on my website ClassroomToClinician.com, under the “Free resources” section. There are several
new-age options for creating a CV as well:

Freelancers on platforms like Fiverr 1 can custom-make a CV for under $75.

Artificial intelligence (AI) websites like Rezi.AI, ChatGPT, and KickResume.com can
write a CV from scratch or revise your old CV.
Once you’ve created your CV draft, have your closest preceptors review and edit it.
CRAFTING A CONVINCING COVER LETTER
Your cover letter offers a chance to present your story and highlight your strengths in greater
depth. The cover letter should generally be one page long and include:

Your story and interest in this specialty.

Reasons for wanting that particular job.
Relevant strengths and skills, which can be shared as bullet points for ease of reading.

The cover letter I used is shared on the next page. If you like this template, you can also find
it on my website. AI programs have also helped many with writing and editing their cover letters.
Check out AICoverLetter.me and Cover.Doc.ai to generate a cover letter based on your requests.
Get feedback on your CV and cover letter after you finish the first draft. Try running your
application documents through ChatGPT with a prompt like the following:

“I would like to improve my cover letter to get an emergency medicine physician assistant job. Please perform
a SWOT analysis on my cover letter with specific improvement feedback. After your SWOT analysis, please
write an improved version of my cover letter.”

I have tried this with impressive results and would encourage you to do the same!
SECURING STELLAR PROFESSIONAL REFERENCES
If your profile is strong overall, but your reference shares a red flag, it can kill your application
on the spot. Reflect on all the people who might be a willing work reference (e.g., preceptors,
school faculty, or prior employers), and only choose people who will give you a raving review.
There are two ways you can determine if their review will be positive or negative. Try to set
up a call with them. Let them know you are looking for jobs and need professional references,
and listen to their reaction. Do they immediately volunteer to be your reference, or do they start
making excuses about how busy they’ve been recently?
If they voice interest, you can directly ask them, “Would you be willing to give me a strong
professional reference? If not, there are no hard feelings, but please let me know now.”
If they pass both of these tests, you can rest assured they will be a strong reference.

You have fine-tuned your application, and your dream employer offers you an interview! Let’s
next review how to prepare and succeed in this stage.

1 “Find Talent To Write Your Resume.” Accessed April 4, 2023. https://www.fiverr.com/categories/writing-translation/resume-

writing.
CHAPTER 5
ACE THE INTERVIEW

S ECURING a job interview is a significant milestone. It's an affirmation that you meet the
expectations and requirements of the role. The interview is a chance to get to know you and see
if you’d be a good fit for the group.
When interviewing new graduates, employers have specific questions they seek to answer:

1. How quickly will you get up and running? They will assess what you are doing to
prepare, how eager you appear to learn, and how easily you take feedback. They want
to ensure you are “teachable” and gauge how much training will take until you are a
functional group member.
2. Do you know your limits and can ask for help? Demonstrate that you are humble,
acknowledge you have much to learn, and will have no problem asking for help when
needed.
3. Will you be easy to work with, or will you be a “HR problem?” Groups want
someone personable and able to develop healthy relationships with coworkers.
4. How long will you stick around? They will invest in you as a new graduate and want
to be convinced that you have concrete reasons to stay in the area.

Those are questions they have inside their minds. To answer them, they’ll ask you a much
longer list of questions like those below. The setting for professional interviews will vary widely.
Small community groups might have you speak virtually with one or two people over an app like
Zoom. Other groups might have you come in person with a few other candidates and do rotating
interviews with panels of people.
Regardless, the questions will be similar. Preparation is key to performing well in your
interview. Try to remember specific work experiences that support the points you want to make.
Many candidates struggle with these questions like, “Tell me about a time when you
[encountered a challenging patient, and how you handled it]” Thinking on the spot about the
perfect case is much harder than reflecting ahead of time.
Pretend you are in the moment, dressed professionally, with your physician employer sitting
across from you. How will you respond to the following questions? I’d encourage you to answer
them out loud by yourself and make note of the most challenging questions. Take more time to
reflect on these, write an outline of how you’d like to answer them, then practice with friends
and family.

Getting to know you

 Tell us your story and what brought you to apply to our job. This is often called your
“elevator pitch.”
What do you feel are your strengths and weaknesses?
Where do you see yourself in five or ten years?
What are your hobbies or stress relievers?

Your professional experience

Tell us about your pre-PA/NP school experience.

How comfortable would you be independently caring for most patients in your
specialty?
Tell us about your procedural experience and comfort level.
Present an interesting patient case for us, and detail what you learned from that case.

Why this specialty?

Why did you choose this specialty?

What have you been doing to study and prepare on your own?
What are the challenges of this specialty, and how are you planning to overcome
them?

Why our group?

Why did you apply to our group?

Describe your ideal group or work setting.
What are your “must haves” or “deal-breakers in a job?”

How would you deal with potential challenges?

Do you have a plan to manage work-life challenges like burnout?

What would you do if faced with a moral dilemma (such as your supervisor drinking
before working)?
What would you do if there was a disagreement between you and your attending
physician on a clinical situation or personality friction?
What would you do if a nurse refused to perform one of your orders or there was
personality friction?
What will you do if we do not offer a spot in our group?
Tell us about a time when you failed and how you responded to that situation.

It is outside this book’s scope to give “A+ answers” to every question. Generally speaking,
the candidates that stand out the most are the ones who come across as calm, personable, and
passionate. Take a deep breath and relax. Don’t be afraid to speak casually and say whatever
feels natural. Reflect on what is driving you, and be prepared to share examples that demonstrate
your passion for what you do.
 Consider using the STARR framework for the “behavioral interview questions” if these
questions are challenging during practice sessions. This is a commonly-used technique to answer
them in a structured way. It stands for situation, task, action, result, and reflection. Here's an
example:

Interviewer: "Can you tell me about a time when you faced a challenging patient and how you handled it?"
Situation: "During my clinical rotation in family medicine, I was assigned to a patient who was recently
diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. The patient was upset and struggling to accept the lifestyle changes they
would have to make."
Task: “I wanted to provide emotional support, educate the patient, and help them develop a plan to
manage their condition."
Action: "I first listened to their concerns and validated their feelings. Then, I used simple language to
explain the disease, its complications, and the importance of a proper diet and exercise regimen. I also
provided the patient with educational materials and resources. We set short-term and long-term goals, and I
followed up with them regularly to ensure they were making progress."
Result: "Over the next few weeks, the patient gained a better understanding of their condition, became
more engaged in managing their diabetes, and showed improvements in their blood sugar levels.”
Reflection: "This experience taught me the importance of empathy, active listening, and effective patient
education in helping patients cope with challenging diagnoses."

Remember, the interview process is not just about answering questions; it's also your chance to
assess whether the group is a good fit for you and if any red flags might be present. The next
page will share a one-pager listing high-yield questions you can bring to the interview. This is
also available for download on my website.
Below are a few of the key questions highlighted in the one-pager. Remember to ask the
APPs who are currently working there, not just the people on the interview committee.

What are the roles and responsibilities of APPs here?

Would the workload be manageable for a new grad?
How is the oversight, education, and mentorship?
How easy is it to ask questions of the attending physician during a busy day?
What are the strengths and weaknesses of your group?
In general, what reasons do people cite when leaving? Why did the last person leave?
What is the average tenure and yearly turnover for the APPs?
 Outside of the interview, you will likely be interacting with a representative from the medical
group who will explain the other core aspects of the job, such as:

The pay structure (hourly, salary, overtime pay).

Whether there is a bonus system or not.
The schedule, lunch breaks, etc.
Benefits, like health insurance coverage, 401(k), paid time off (PTO), and paid
holidays.
Continued medical education (CME) allowance.
Malpractice insurance coverage and whether or not it includes tail coverage.

After the interview concludes, consider sending the interview committee a thank you email in
the following days. If you can add a personalized touch specific to each interviewer, that is even
better. Below is a sample of what that might look like.

Dear [Interviewer or Chair of Admissions Committee],

I wanted to thank you and the interview panel for meeting with me. I enjoyed learning more about your
position and remain excited about this opportunity. I was impressed with the [onboarding and training] your
group offers, as it shows how invested you are in APPs.
I look forward to hearing about the next steps. Please do not hesitate to contact me if I can provide
additional information.
Sincerely, [Your name]

All these steps collectively ensure you’ll be seen as both an outstanding candidate and an
informed job-seeker, which will both improve your chances of landing that dream job.
CHAPTER 6
IDENTIFY RED FLAGS AND AVOID
TOXIC WORK ENVIRONMENTS

“New grad PA here, almost three months into my first job. Needless to say, this job is not what it was made
out to be. It's a specialty I like and can be hard to break into, but the environment and amount of work are
overwhelming. There is hardly any time during the day to chart, so I have to do most of it at home. The
training has been non-existent - I saw a nearly full schedule entirely on my own five weeks in. My mental
health is taking a toll, and I don't know how long I can do this. How can I avoid this next time?”

NEW GRAD, DERMATOLOGY

A T THIS POINT , I’ve heard so many horror stories of new graduates being promised that “perfect
job” only to find themselves overwhelmed in a dangerous position. This chapter will review red
flags in detail to help you earlier recognize these types of positions. Consider the following
warning signs in each step of your job application process.

Consider it a red flag interview experience if the employer:

Does not allow you to speak with the APPs who currently work there.
Will only answer some of your questions in writing, and others can only be
answered “over the phone.” Similarly, if they say something like, “My word is my
bond,” you should run. They are not obligated to follow through on any promise if it
isn’t in writing.
Does not tell you the retention rate for the staff or the average turnover per year. If
you find out that the only APPs they have are new graduates with less than one or two
years of experience, that is a big red flag.
Does not say why the person who left before you is leaving.

Consider it a red flag offer if the employer:

Is unwilling to list benefits in writing or in the contract. Similarly, if they do not

provide health insurance, consider this a red flag (contractor roles are an exception but
should have much higher pay).
Has stipulations that you will only maintain benefits if you maintain a certain billing
level.
Includes a financial penalty for leaving before a certain time period, suggesting
 retention issues.
Does not offer any paid time off (PTO), citing flexible shift work and grouping
shifts to allow short vacations when you want them.
Does not offer any allowance for continued medical education (CME). Are they
truly investing in your growth if not?

Consider it a red flag onboarding period if the employer:

Has a training period with an offensively low training pay rate. One new grad shared
they were offered a training rate of seventeen dollars per hour for three months (thank
you, next). Similarly, if they say, “You’ll be onboarding by acting as a scribe/medical
assistant for the supervising physician,” this is also a red flag.
Does not offer an explicitly defined onboarding or training period. You need at least
a few months of strict supervision and training. If you hear them say, “We need you to
hit the ground running,” this is a red flag.

Consider it a red flag practice environment if the employer:

Does not give you access to a senior clinician or attending physician on-site.
“Doctor always available by phone” is insufficient for the average new graduate.
Refuses to mention the expectations for patients per hour or volume per day. Clarify
how long the ramp-up period is before you need to hit the expected patients per hour.
It should be a minimum of two months.
Has minimal support staff (e.g., medical assistant, front desk) therefore expecting
you to do some of this work.
Won’t confirm other job details like on-call time or unpaid non-clinical duties.
Uses an outdated or uncommon EMR - this might decrease your efficiency and result
in taking charting home. If it isn’t one of the main ones like Epic, ask what EMR they
use and Google it to see what people say about it.
Has a management or medical director team run by non-clinical staff. If these
people dictate how you provide medical care, they should know how hard your job is
and the unique function of APPs.
Has a head office manager who is the spouse, sibling, or child of the supervising
physician or the owner. While this might not be universally negative, countless APPs
have shared how these setups have resulted in unprofessional nightmares.
Doesn’t have a formal HR department or policies for reference. One PA online
shared that if they ever had an issue to discuss with HR, they’d have to email a
contracted HR agency out of state that never solved any problem.
Runs what looks like a specialty “patient mill.” I once met a colleague who worked
in a cardiology clinic run by one attending who was never present. Five APPs staffed
the clinic and were expected to churn through patients in fifteen-minute slots for pre-
op clearance. Cardiology patients are older and have complex medical problems.
Fifteen minutes and no attending available is a recipe for disaster. Finding a clinic
with more physicians than APPs with reasonable appointment lengths indicates it isn’t
a patient mill.
 Allows for double-booking, as illustrated by one PA working in family practice
below.

“I work at a busy federally qualified health center. I was told there was a low potential for double bookings. I
anticipated easing into this challenge with maybe one double book in the morning. Not a chance! After two
months, they added three double-booked slots in the AM and three in the PM. The patients here are complex
and with many comorbidities. I have to use an interpreter for every other patient. I wish I could quit, but I am
stuck in a contract for loan repayment.”

In this chapter’s stories, both new grads were promised one thing and lived the opposite. You
might wonder, What can I do if hiring managers just tell us what we want to hear? I feel like I
can’t trust anything they say.
The most effective way to find out if there are red flags is by talking with the APPs who
currently work there or those who recently left. Ask the employer to speak with at least two
current APPs and search LinkedIn for those who worked there in the past.

Don’t panic if you notice a red flag or two from the list above. Many APPs have great jobs with
one of the red flags present. For example, one colleague got a sign-on bonus to work in critical
care at a hospital that does extensive training and supervision for their first year. There is a
reasonable ($5,000) pay-back penalty if they leave before two years. She loves the role and says
this “red flag” was understandable, given the group’s investment in her.
Although a single red flag doesn't automatically rule out a potential job, a collection of these
signals should raise concerns about the work environment.
Having covered potential warning signs, the next chapter will focus on the positive aspects to
look out for in a healthy practice environment. These attributes are just as crucial in your search
for the perfect fit.
CHAPTER 7
FIND THE IDEAL PRACTICE AND
ATTENDING PHYSICIAN

F INDING the right practice environment is fundamental to your professional development as a

new clinician. After all, we don’t learn medicine in a vacuum but in our work environment. A
healthy and supportive environment will exponentially speed up your transition to becoming a
skilled clinician.
This chapter will explore what constitutes such environments, their defining qualities, and
how to detect these jobs during the interview phase.

THE PERFECT PRACTICE ENVIRONMENT FOR A NEW GRAD

INCLUDES:

A well-defined and slow ramp-up period. This should ideally be over six months,
where you can start at half the expected rate of a seasoned APP and gradually build
up. Slowing down will allow you to look things up as you go, which is essential to
providing high-quality care. Ideally, this period would be double-covered, so you
present most patients to a senior clinician as you get your feet under you.
An established process for training and education. Most practices don’t have time
to do one-on-one training with your attending, but if they are invested enough to
purchase a virtual “boot camp” course or something similar, that is still a positive sign.
A healthy CME fund ($2,000+ per year) also falls into this category.
A system in place to allow clinical practice feedback, adequate supervision, and
the ability to ask questions at any time. Getting feedback on your ideas for patient
care is essential to your learning and growth. You can’t do this if you are on your own.
There should be a senior clinician or collaborating physician on-site at all times early
in your career. You will have so many questions that are hard to answer on UpToDate,
and being able to easily “curbside” your seniors with questions is critical. Some
practices have “consultation guidelines” that list high-risk situations that warrant
consultation with your attending. These are in place to protect you and should be
viewed positively.
Emphasis on mentorship and growth. Practices that facilitate mentor meetings are
often a great place to work!

CHARACTERISTICS OF THE IDEAL COLLABORATING

PHYSICIAN:

Kind, personable, and respectful. Reflecting on my favorite attendings over the

years, it is always the human factor more than their medical knowledge. They should
be someone you see yourself enjoying spending time around.
Available. While this ties in with the personality traits above, it also adds the factor of
their practice environment. If your attending is overwhelmed with their own busy
panel, even the most well-intentioned physician won’t be able to dedicate the time
needed to your questions and supervision.
Passionate about teaching. Learning medicine is incredibly challenging when done
in isolation. If you can find an attending who knows medicine well, can explain it
clearly, and enjoys teaching, your rate of improvement will rise dramatically.

You might wonder how you can know at the interviewing stage if this supervising physician is
one of the “good ones?” Here is some advice:

Trust your gut. If something feels right or wrong, it probably is.

Ask current and past APPs about their experience working with them.
Listen to their terminology. If they refer to you as the “midlevel” they need to
replace, they probably don’t hold APPs in the highest regard.
Ask how busy their panel is and how easy it is for current APPs to staff patients with
them.
Inquire about their teaching activities with a question like, “Please share a specific
example of teaching you did with one of your staff APPs in the past week.”

Here is an example of a new graduate comparing and contrasting their cardiology job with that of
a classmate:

“My classmate took a job in a specialty patient mill. Eight APPs ran the clinic and had 15-minute slots to see
complex patients. If they ever had a question on a patient, they’d have to page their attending who was doing
procedures all day. The attending hated being paged and growled short responses back. They were on their
own, and even the most senior APP looked on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
In contrast, I found a great job where I am in a specialty clinic with more physicians than APPs. The
doctors are always available for questions. They review my notes and EKGs with me and find teaching
moments daily. They send me home with reading assignments and always in a positive way. I love it and have
learned so much in a short amount of time.”

Let’s say you’ve found the perfect practice environment, and the group gives you an offer.
What should you do to make the most of the situation? The following chapter will explore how
to navigate job offers effectively.
CHAPTER 8
NAVIGATE JOB OFFERS WISELY

O NCE THE INTERVIEW HAS CONCLUDED , anticipate a waiting period of a few weeks as the hiring
manager makes a decision. If you receive an offer, take a moment to celebrate this significant
achievement! It will feel like a huge weight off your shoulders.
If you are interviewing for multiple jobs, ask if they have a deadline for the offer acceptance.
Usually, this is a few weeks. This is a critical time to get as many offers as possible so that you
can compare, contrast, and negotiate effectively.

NAVIGATING MULTIPLE OFFERS

Receiving multiple offers is terrific, but you will be left with the “paradox of choice.” The most
commonly asked questions on online forums are: “Is this a good offer? Which offer should I
choose?” I created a scoring rubric to simplify this decision and add objectivity to the
comparison. The print version of the rubric had a limited resolution; you can find a high-
resolution version for download on my website. It can also give you a sense of where each aspect
of your offer fits on the spectrum from strong to weak.
WHAT IF I DON’T GET AN OFFER?
My first piece of advice: develop a thick skin. Remember: resilience is key. Don’t take this
personally. Instead, capitalize on this as a learning experience. There are a few things that you
can do to make the most of the situation.
First, get feedback from each employer about how you could become a stronger
candidate. Take a moment to review your application again. Put yourself in the shoes of the
interviewers and reflect on whether there are any potential red flags in your application. Ask
your friends and family to review your application as well. Make the tweaks to your application
while the interview process is still fresh in your mind.
Second, expand the scope of your job applications. You might have only been applying to
a limited number of jobs based on your target location or specialty. With no offers, you may
need to move things from your “must have” to your “nice to have” list. I am referring to the job
features like pay, location, specialty, etc. Your chances will rise exponentially if you are willing
to move nationwide for a job. After that coveted one to two years of experience, you can always
return to your desired location to settle down.
Third, consider attending a PA/NP residency or fellowship program. Residencies are
programs specifically designed to provide the structure, mentorship, and education required to
transition to practice successfully. I am biased in this regard, having attended one and now
serving as an assistant program director. I loved the experience and recommend it to many.
However, they aren’t for everyone. The downside of low pay and low acceptance rates limits
many from considering the residency path.

WHEN IS A RESIDENCY RIGHT FOR ME?

For those who can manage the lower pay, deciding whether or not to pursue a residency comes
down to three variables:

What are your goals for your career?

How deep is your knowledge/skill gap?
What are the odds you can bridge the gap safely without a residency?

If your goal is to work in low to medium-acuity medicine and you had strong experience
before graduate school, you probably won’t need a residency program to achieve your goals. If
you want to work at the top of your license caring for complex patients and don’t have a strong
healthcare background, you should absolutely consider a residency program.
If you are considering this option, check out my blog detailing each month in my program. 1 I
also wrote a book for those pursuing residency programs: Ultimate Guide to PA & NP Residency
& Fellowship Programs, available on Amazon. 2 I share everything you need to know about the
different program types, how to get accepted, and how to make the most of the experience.

While deciding on the best job can be stressful, your time and effort will soon be rewarded. Next,
we will review compensation packages and how to negotiate for what you are worth.

1 Physician Assistant Forum. “My EM Residency Experience...,” July 24, 2015.

https://www.physicianassistantforum.com/topic/18574-my-em-residency-experience/.
2 The Ultimate Guide To Physician Assistant & Nurse Practitioner Residency & Fellowship Programs: Get Accepted And
Succeed In Your Dream Program. John Stangl, PA-C
CHAPTER 9
BECOME A MASTER NEGOTIATOR

M OST GROUPS WILL HAVE a standardized pay structure for APPs based on experience level, and
they will tell you there is no ability to negotiate. They say this, hoping candidates will not bring
up the topic. Regardless, you should always try to negotiate.
Even if they truly can’t adjust their core pay structure, they may be able to offer things that
wouldn’t affect their core salary:

Sign-on bonus
Relocation bonus
Milestone bonus (e.g., one-year-mark bonus)
Collections (RVU-based) bonus
Loan repayment or tuition reimbursement
More CME money or paid CME days off
More paid time off (PTO) or vacation time
More administrative time
Stipend for medical equipment unique to the specialty

It is much easier to request these things if you have some leverage supporting your request.
You might think you have no bargaining power as a new graduate, but you’d be surprised.
Put yourself in the employer’s shoes and reflect on what is persuasive to them. Typically this
includes objective data demonstrating they’re below the local rate or if you can offer a unique
value to them.
For example, if your past work or rotation experience would help you get onboarded faster,
this will help their income and bottom line. Similarly, lower staff turnover equates to cost
savings for their practice — if you have strong ties to the area and will stay long-term, this is
valuable to employers.

Here is a summary of negotiating power you might have:

Multiple job offers. This is the strongest leverage you can get, so now is the time to
apply broadly. You can also share job postings for local groups if the pay is higher.
Survey data showing that local pay rates are higher for new graduates than their offer.
You can get the average pay by state and county for free through the U.S. Bureau of
Labor Statistics Research Website. 1 Paid options include the American Academy of
PAs Salary Report 2 and the Medical Group Management Association (MGMA)
 DataDive 3. These both offer specialty-specific data as well. Glassdoor, Salary.com,
and PayScale.com are alternatives.
Prior work experience in the specialty before graduate school, demonstrating you’ll
have a shorter ramp-up period.
Strong ties to the area, indicating you will stay long-term.
Extended vacancy of the position, which could drive them to improve the package.
They are losing money every month the position is left open.

Let’s bring this together and share how you might negotiate after their initial offer. These
conversations tend to occur face-to-face or over the phone.

You: I appreciate your offer and think the role would be a great fit. However, the compensation is below the
typical range for this position. Is there anything you can do to improve it?

Employer: Unfortunately, our pay rates are standardized. This is what all of our new graduates start at.

You: I understand. However, I want to emphasize that I bring several things of value to your group that other
new graduates can’t. Thanks to my years of prior work experience in this specialty, I’ll be able to get up to
speed quicker than most. I will also stay long-term, given that I am local to the area with my roots planted
here.

Employer: Those are good points. I can’t make any promises, but what did you have in mind?

You: I see most positions offering at least $15,000 more than yours. If you can’t add this to the salary because
of standardized pay rates, can you consider a sign-on bonus or loan repayment of this amount?

Employer: I will need to take this to the board for approval.

You: No problem, and thank you for considering. I also want to be honest and share that I am in the final
stages of interviewing with two local competitors. Please let me know what the board says as soon as you
hear.

If they call you back with good news for a raised offer that you accept, remember to follow
up with a closed-loop communication email to get it all in writing. “I am happy to accept the
revised offer we agreed upon over the phone, with the changes including XYZ. Please confirm
these details, and I look forward to signing the contract.”
As of 2023, no APP position should pay less than $80,000 outside of a true residency
experience. With the job demands, debt from training, and the high-risk nature of the profession,
most APPs advocate for a minimum salary of $100,000, even for new graduates.
After a conclusion is reached between you and the practice, they will send an updated
employment contract. It is essential to review this document closely. The next chapter will
review the essentials.

1 “Nurse Practitioners.” Accessed April 3, 2023. https://www.bls.gov/oes/current/oes291171.htm#st.

2 AAPA. “2022 AAPA Salary Report.” Accessed April 3, 2023. https://www.aapa.org/research/salary-report/.
3 “MGMA | Data | Healthcare Analytics | Benchmarking.” Accessed April 3, 2023. https://www.mgma.com/data/landing-
pages/mgma-datadive-overview.
CHAPTER 10
DECODING EMPLOYMENT
CONTRACTS

E XAMINING employment contracts is daunting for everyone, but it's a crucial step in securing a
safe position. You don’t want to be one of the recurring posts I see on online forums:

“Help! This job is NOT what I was promised, but now here I am, stuck and unable to get out of the contract
without a $10,000 penalty. The hiring team downplayed this possibility, but I wish I had truly understood
what I was signing up for.” —— New Grad, Dermatology

Understanding employment contracts is a frequently-requested topic by new graduates,

prompting me to research this topic in-depth and seek the expertise of an industry leader.
Contract Diagnostics is the expert that first came to my mind. I have heard their name
repeatedly over the years from my coworkers and in online forums. Their team specializes in
physician and APP employment contracts and compensation reviews. Their group includes
attorneys, HR professionals, and clinicians. My friends who have worked with them had
excellent experiences. The American College of Cardiology has even selected them as their
official provider of contract review services.
I reached out to Jon Appino, the company’s founder. Jon’s mother is a nurse practitioner, so
he was excited to support our cause of protecting APPs from dangerous contracts. I collected the
most frequently asked questions and interviewed him, and this chapter will summarize the key
things you need to know.

Let’s break down the elements of an employment contract and spotlight the red flags in each:

Non-compete and non-solicitation clauses

Malpractice insurance
Contract duration and termination provisions
Job duties and responsibilities
Compensation and benefits

NON-COMPETE AND NON-SOLICITATION CLAUSES

The non-compete clause should be carefully structured to protect the employer’s legitimate
business interests (such as patient relationships and confidential business information) without
unfairly restricting the clinician’s ability to earn a living. It should clearly define the
geographic area and the duration the clinician is prohibited from working. Ensure these terms
are reasonable and not overly restrictive.
Take this example of a red flag non-compete:

“I recently had a remote job offer from a company with a non-compete clause for 40 miles. Penalties would
include 75k in fines for each offense for up to 24 months. The contract stated that the non-compete is in the
states where they have clinics and “other states.” My lawyer reviewed this and stated they are making it too
vague by saying “other states” and not listing the actual locations. We asked them to list the locations, and the
practice manager immediately rescinded the offer. Nightmare avoided! I’m making this post as a reminder to
look at every word of your contract and contact an attorney if necessary.”

The duration of non-compete clauses typically ranges from one to two years, with
enforcement becoming more difficult for periods exceeding three years.
The geographic restriction depends on location. Jon notes, "In Manhattan, a reasonable
distance might be fifteen city blocks. In rural regions, the distance could easily extend to fifteen
miles or more." Anything beyond a thirty-mile radius is often considered too broad and a red
flag. Reflect on how easily you could find another job if this position doesn’t work out.
Remember, these are general guidelines. Whether a non-compete clause is enforceable
depends on state laws, which vary widely. Some states, like California, generally do not enforce
non-compete agreements, while others have specific rules or legal precedents about what's
considered reasonable.

If you identify an excessive non-compete, there are a few ways they can be amended:

Remove it entirely: There is no harm in asking them to remove it, especially if you
won’t have a dedicated patient panel.
Narrow the geographic distance and duration: Adjust their cited numbers to make
them more reasonable.
Specialty-specific and employer-specific: This takes vague non-competes and
clarifies them to their major competitor in your specialty.
Replace it with a “patient advertisement clause:” This allows you to work for a
competitor after leaving, but you can’t advertise or solicit your old patients.
Dissolution upon contract termination: Add this provision that renders the non-
compete clause void if the employment agreement is terminated without cause by the
employer or through circumstances outside the clinician’s control.

MALPRACTICE INSURANCE
Always review the medical malpractice insurance provided. Is it claims-made or occurrence?
Occurrence is the most expensive for the company, but it will cover you for all malpractice
claims even after you leave the practice. The “tail coverage” is inherently included in an
occurrence policy.
Claims-made policies, however, will only cover you for a claim while actively working for
the company. If you are sued a year after quitting, you are on your own. That’s why whenever
you see “claims-made,” you must confirm whether they provide tail coverage (a supplemental
policy to protect you after leaving). Ensure this confirmation is in writing somewhere, ideally in
the contract.
Purchasing tail coverage yourself is expensive and a red flag if not included. The rule of
thumb is tail coverage costs around double the annual insurance premium. The premium
depends on your specialty and its risk of litigation. If the yearly premium were $4,000, you’d
have to spend $8,000 to purchase your tail coverage.
To summarize, it is best practice to email: Is the malpractice coverage occurrence or claims
made? Is tail covered via the malpractice insurance or not? Ask to have their answer explicitly
stated in your contract.

TERMINATION PROVISIONS
The length of your contract and its renewal terms should be clear. Notice periods and grounds for
termination should be explicitly written and reasonable. Here is one relevant example:

“I interviewed for a job the other day and everything sounded great. Then I read their contract and now I’m
not so sure. They want 120 days notice for resignation. If you cannot give them the 120 days, you’d owe
them $15,000! Their training is minimal, but in the contract they state this money covers what they invest in a
new employee. Is this typical?”

The notice period required before leaving their employment can vary significantly based on
the employer and the specific role. However, the typical range is 30-60 days for independent
contractors and 60-120 days for employees. The employer in the example above listed the
maximum duration and a huge penalty for leaving early. This is overly restrictive and limits your
ability to leave a dangerous position. At the same time, two weeks’ notice is too short and also a
red flag. If you get fired, you’ll want at least a month of income, which the termination duration
will guarantee. The sweet spot duration for most APPs would fall somewhere around 60 days.
Next, examine the contract to determine whether it operates on a "Termination for cause"
or "Termination without cause" basis. Termination for cause offers more job security as it
requires the employer to demonstrate a valid cause like misconduct.
However, in Jon’s experience, most healthcare contracts operate on a termination-without-
cause basis. Jon says, “Even if there were a documentable cause to fire you, you and the
employer would still prefer a termination without citing a specific cause. That would leave you
with a clean record (good for you) and prevents you from suing them (good for them). It’s a win-
win, and why 98% of the time we see without cause setups.”

TOPICS OFTEN LEFT OFF EMPLOYMENT CONTRACTS

The contract won’t contain every detail of your job, as some things are subject to yearly changes
within the company. However, you should still ask to verify the following with other official
company documents:

Detailed Benefits Information: While a contract may mention benefits like health
insurance, retirement plans, or disability coverage, the specifics are often provided in a
 separate benefits summary or handbook.
Detailed Policies and Procedures: Many employment practices, such as those related
to harassment, leave of absence, grievance procedures, etc., are standardized across an
organization and are documented in a separate employee handbook.
Performance Evaluations: The specifics of how and when performance evaluations
will occur are typically not included in the contract.

Here is an example of how you might word an email requesting this information:

“Thank you for sending the contract for my review. I wanted to verify a few more areas before making a
decision. Could you send me the company’s documents detailing workplace policies, procedures, and other
benefits like health insurance? I appreciate your help on this.”

RED FLAG IDENTIFIED, NOW WHAT?

If the job has seemed riddled with red flags, give them that feedback and move on. If the job
looks great with only a few smaller issues, you may want to negotiate the contract details.
Having them agree to contract changes verbally or via email is not enough. Appino has
experienced situations where the practice manager agreed to a change in the contract over email,
but the actual contract wasn’t adjusted. The practice later claimed, “The hiring manager did not
have that authority; it was not agreed upon in our contract, so we cannot uphold it.”
Handwriting changes into a contract also isn’t good enough. They can lead to disputes over
legibility, interpretation, and whether both parties agreed upon the change.

So, what is the right way to go about it? After identifying a red flag, you’ll want to suggest
specific changes and have those changes explicitly written into an updated contract.
This is a great time to involve a contract expert and get their thoughts on the case. Set up a
contract review discussion with Jon and his team. After this discussion, Jon suggests you ask the
employer for a one-on-one phone call, “I hired an expert who wanted me to clarify a few areas in
your contract.”
Prepare for the conversation ahead of time. Summarize the solutions that would make the
contract acceptable to you. Discuss your concerns clearly and professionally, avoiding
accusatory language. Focus instead on seeking a mutually beneficial solution, and be prepared to
negotiate on the terms. After coming to a verbal agreement, send a follow-up email summarizing
the key changes and saying that you’re excited to sign the revised contract as soon as they send it
back.

Having an expert like Jon and his team at Contract Diagnostics on your side can be a game-
changer. In Jon’s words, “Reach out any time you have a new contract or are looking to
renegotiate your current contract after working at a company for more than two years.”
If you’d like a free consultation with his team, check out my affiliate link
ContractDiagnostics.com/StanglMedical. They offer flat rates for your contract review. After
using this link, you can request 5% off their usual rate.
CHAPTER 11
ACTION ITEMS

T HE FOLLOWING action items can help you get an excellent job with support:

Write a strong resume and cover letter using objective numbers and personalized
statements for each job. Consider using the provided template and AI resources online.
Get feedback and edit it before submission.
Prioritize your job search as follows: Your network, local group websites, big
national job boards, then recruiters. Set up a website change detector to be the first to
apply to local job postings.
Prepare for the interview by practicing the list of questions with friends and family.
Reflect ahead of time on specific life experiences that demonstrate what you want to
convey.
Seek out red flags in every job using the printout of questions on my website. Ask
current APPs and those who recently left.
When given multiple offers, use the job grading rubric to compare, and favor the
ones with the most support.
Negotiate to get the package you deserve. Use offers from their competitors and other
points of value to the employer.
Review the contract with your colleagues and a contract professional like
ContractDiagnostics.com/StanglMedical if there are any concerns. Pay particular
attention to the non-compete, malpractice insurance, and termination clause sections.

The only way to extinguish unsafe jobs from the market is to band together as APPs and
refuse to accept these offers with red flags. I have a free PDF of these past chapters on my
website ClassroomToClinician.com. Feel free to share it with your new grad colleagues so we
can spread the word.
With a contract signed by all parties, you can now focus on starting your first job. What does
onboarding entail? How can I set good first impressions? The next section will review frequently
asked questions like these so you can prepare effectively.
Another random document with
no related content on Scribd:
forme e d’espressione! Non mai gli era parsa così degna d’essere
amata, d’esser preposta a supremo scopo d’un’esistenza mortale!
Ella non era più la fanciulla, ch’egli ben conosceva: era il simbolo
della grazia, l’incarnazione tipica dell’Eterna Bellezza, era l’Unica,
era l’Eletta, era la Dea. — Oh, uno sguardo, un solo sguardo
lusinghevole di lei! Egli avrebbe sacrificato tutta la sua vita per uno
sguardo lusinghevole di lei, che fosse venuto in quel momento
solenne a ricercarlo!
Ma la giovinetta pareva che lo avesse affatto dimenticato, pareva
che ignorasse la sua presenza alla festa familiare: tremante di
commozione, guardava fisa il padre o la madre con occhi pieni di
gratitudine e d’affetto, e non si stancava di scoccare su le loro
guance quei baci sonori, che avevano nell’anima del giovine un’eco
spasimosa.
Quando la signora Teresa si levò e uscì dalla stanza, Aurelio anche
si mosse: fece qualche passo verso la finestra quasi cercando un
soffio d’aria libera, poi, vedendosi inosservato, infilò pianamente la
porta e riparò solo nel salotto.
Si lasciò cader di peso sul divano. Si prese il capo fra le palme, con
atto disperato. Un ardore molesto gli infocava le tempia. Il cuore gli
pulsava in petto con una violenza non mai avuta. I fumi del vino si
spandevan torbidi e foschi intorno a lui, annebbiandogli la visione
delle cose, dandogli a intervalli il senso ingrato della vertigine. —
Egli si sentiva solo, affranto e desolato: egli soffriva terribilmente, e
nessuno era presso di lui a confortarlo! Il suo dolore si dissipava
inutile e indifferente nell’impassibilità dello spazio, come quello d’un
qualunque bruto ferito a morte in una foresta!... Egli, certo, avrebbe
potuto spegnersi così, senza che un’anima buona fosse accorsa in
suo aiuto, senza turbare con il suo gemito indistinto la gioja
romorosa di coloro che gli eran vicini!....
Impeti subitanei di collera sorgevano nel suo spirito a ogni scoppio
d’ilarità nella stanza contigua; supremi abbattimenti lo prendevano
appena l’ira cessava. E intanto un desiderio folle si faceva strada tra
le tenebre di quel tumulto selvaggio dell’anima, usciva a poco a poco
dal caos delle imagini oscure, si rischiarava, splendeva, scintillava
come astro solitario in un cielo tempestoso: il desiderio di Flavia,
d’una parola benevola di lei, d’una sua carezza su la fronte accesa,
d’uno di quei baci inebrianti, ch’ella aveva pocanzi prodigati con
tanto trasporto a’ suoi parenti. — Oh, perchè ella non veniva?
perchè tardava tanto? Non sapeva ella forse ch’era là, solo, triste,
afflitto da un’angoscia senza nome, ad aspettarla? E la sua pietà,
sempre sì docile all’appello dei sofferenti, non si risvegliava dunque
per la prima volta al suo grido disperato di soccorso?
Un passo leggero che s’avvicinava lo fece sussultare di sgomento e
di giubilo. Egli non respirava più: il suo sangue pareva si fosse d’un
tratto arrestato nelle vene. Era lei? Certo, era lei; doveva esser lei.
La gioja ineffabile del suo cuore non poteva ingannarlo. Egli l’aveva
invocata; ella, ecco, accorreva. — Oh, caderle ai piedi e morire!....
Qualcuno era entrato nel salotto.
Aurelio tolse con lento atto il viso alterato e livido dalla stretta delle
mani, e guardò d’innanzi a sè, come un sonnambulo strappato
repentinamente al suo sogno.
— Signor Aurelio, che cos’ha? — disse spaurita Luisa, avvicinandosi
a lui con vivacità.
Egli continuava a fissarla senza parlare. — Ohimè, l’ultima speranza
andava miseramente tradita. Il mondo non aveva più luce! La sua
vita non aveva più scopo! L’inganno era mortale e palese: un riso
acuto, a lui ben noto, si levò nella stanza vicina e venne a colpirlo
d’improvviso come un’irrisione del Destino.
Luisa sedette al suo fianco, gli prese amorevolmente la mano.
— Signor Aurelio, per carità risponda: si sente male? Ha bisogno di
qualche cosa? Risponda!
— Grazie, signorina, grazie! — egli riuscì a mormorare, rialzando il
capo — Non è nulla: un po’ d’emicrania....
— Faceva forse troppo caldo nella sala da pranzo. Io stessa non ne
poteva più! Vuole che apra le finestre? L’aria libera le farà bene.
Vuole che le ordini qualche cosa di caldo? Vuole che chiami donna
Marta?....
Ella parlava concitatamente, assai commossa, con una specie
d’affanno appassionato nella voce e nel respiro. E intanto gli
stringeva forte la mano, e lo guardava con gli occhi inumiditi, gonfii di
pietà e di tenerezza. «Non è lei! Non è lei! Non è lei!» ripeteva
spasimando l’anima del giovine, mentre quelle dolci parole si
disperdevano vane e sciupate, come semi sparsi sopra un terreno
sterile. — Oh, fosse stata Flavia, la consolatrice! Su la Terra non vi
sarebbe stato un uomo più divinamente felice di lui!
— Grazie, è inutile, signorina, — disse Aurelio, levandosi
d’improvviso in piedi. — Proverò a uscire, proverò a far due passi nel
cortile.... Grazie!
Studiando il passo, senza più rivolgersi, s’avviò verso la porta.
L’aperse. Vide le tenebre spalancate d’innanzi a sè; vi si gittò
perdutamente come in un abisso.
 IX.
Il Sogno.

E il gran Sogno fatalmente si svolse.

Il padre Boris era ritornato a Milano; gli ospiti eran partiti. La solita
pace regnava nel palazzo antico, mentre in torno l’opera alacre degli
agricoltori ferveva, ornando i campi rasati d’accese frange d’oro,
empiendo la purezza degli spazii di strepito giulivo. Dall’alba
all’imbrunire, le canzoni della mietitura, disperse di qua e di là su i
colli ubertosi, ondeggiavan nel silenzio, e davano all’orecchio che le
ascoltava un senso di vastità singolare; il buon odor cereale e
l’olezzo del fieno fresco imbalsamavano alternativamente l’aria,
assumendo negli aridi meriggi intensità quasi d’essenze. La festa
dell’ultima ricolta si celebrava così sotto il sole benefico d’agosto, tra
gli inni, tra i profumi, tra i colori smaglianti, in una semplicità
solennemente primitiva di riti e di costumi. E gli inni eran d’amore, e i
profumi eran di vita, e i colori eran di gioja.
Aurelio, dal balconcino della sua camera o nel parco o durante le
peregrinazioni su le colline circostanti, assisteva al grandioso
spettacolo, commosso, attonito, maravigliato. Non mai come in quei
giorni egli s’era sentito così posseduto dal fascino della Natura
feconda; non mai come in quei giorni s’era sentito legato da vincoli
così stretti alla grande madre Terra. Egli, atomo d’un tutto, pareva
fondersi e confondersi tra quelle manifestazioni vaste e benigne,
dimentico d’ogni cosa, conscio soltanto della sua piccolezza e della
sua vanità in un mondo attivo e produttivo, dove la vita si svolgeva
gloriosamente sopra una distesa senza confini. Il suo corpo
illanguidito dalla canicola, il suo spirito ottuso dal desiderio, si
sottraevano ogni dì più al dominio della ragione e della volontà. Egli
non poteva più fermare a lungo la sua attenzione su i soggetti dei
propri studii: appena faceva uno sforzo mediocre d’applicazione, una
stanchezza dianzi sconosciuta gli pesava sul cervello, ed egli
doveva arrestarsi d’un tratto nel suo lavoro, come chi si trovi
d’improvviso su la soglia d’una stanza buja. Passava perciò lunghe
ore nell’inerzia più assoluta, distratto, vuoto, come estatico,
seguendo con l’orecchio il ritmo d’un qualche canto campestre, o
accompagnando con gli sguardi il fumo d’una sigaretta che si
smarriva sottilmente nell’aria cristallina.
Una moltitudine di sensazioni minute, spontanee, incoscienti
componeva in quei giorni l’esistenza materiale di lui. Il suo essere
era simile a una pagina bianca su cui una penna segnasse a caso
piccoli segni indecifrabili: si difformava e s’alterava continuamente
alla minima impressione d’un soffio, d’un profumo, d’un suono, d’un
bagliore. D’avanti a un prato raso di fresco, macchiato dai cumuli più
smorti del fieno, d’avanti a un campo popolato di spigolatrici chine in
fila su le glebe, d’avanti a un albero carico di frutti, al gorgheggio
d’un uccello tra il fogliame d’una siepe, alla voce d’un bambino in
una cascina solitaria, egli si soffermava attento e turbato, come al
cospetto d’un fatto straordinario o d’una cosa supremamente
mirabile. Le imagini delle sembianze esteriori si succedevano per tal
modo inattese nella sua mente, senz’ordine e senza logica,
convertendosi in idee fuggevoli, in confuse astrazioni, in pallidi
raziocinii che non duravano un attimo e si disperdevano. E sotto
questa sorta di velario sensibile e sempre mutabile, ch’era come la
superficie della sua anima, una calda corrente di tenerezza passava,
profonda, invisibile, violenta, — il bisogno istintivo e fatale di pace, di
felicità, d’amore.
Dalle campagne, illustrate magnificamente dal sole, animate
dall’opera umana, gli veniva assai di sovente l’esempio seduttore:
era la Terra stessa, sgravata, nuda e come distesa per un nuovo
amplesso ferace, la quale descriveva alla sua fantasia con muto
languido atto l’insuperabile voluttà del creare; era quella gente umile
e travagliata da ogni tristizia, che gli gittava sul viso l’alito ardente
della sacra febbre, il soffio infocato dell’immortale desiderio. Talvolta,
percorrendo le viottole perdute, egli aveva sorpreso, nascosto in una
macchia, qualche ruvido idillio; talvolta aveva sentito nel silenzio,
dietro una fitta cortina arborea, il susurro di due voci diverse,
interrotto a tratti dai baci; talvolta aveva visto nei campi, integre nella
luce, due alte figure, prossime e sole, esprimere con gli sguardi
l’impazienza della loro mutua simpatia. Il giovine osservava e
ascoltava con l’avidità d’un sitibondo che oda il croscio d’un’acqua
sotterranea. E torbide visioni gli si levavano nello spirito, mentre
un’angoscia soffocante agitava tutti gli elementi della sua sostanza;
poichè egli intendeva di trovarsi in fine d’innanzi al segreto del suo
scontento e della sua fragilità.
A quelle sollecitazioni della Natura imperiosa, il cuore pareva gli
divenisse gonfio e convulso; il sangue gli affluiva a fiotti al cervello;
l’anima gli si ammorbidiva e si scioglieva come fusa da un calore
supremo. Alcune frasi liriche, inaspettate, s’abbozzavano nel suo
pensiero, illuminandolo con la fugacità frenetica di lampi: «Avere una
donna propria, un’amante.... Smarrire ogni senso nella
contemplazione de’ suoi sguardi inamorati.... Perdersi con lei in
quelle selve folte e mute, che ammantano le valli.... Amare, amare
molto, fino alla stanchezza, fino all’esaurimento, fino alla distruzione,
fino alla morte!» Era il gran Sogno che si svolgeva, il Sogno
dell’eterna passione vitale. Era una brama indomabile
d’integrazione, di struggimento, di congiunzione che lo accendeva,
ch’esaltava la sua anima per modo che ogni imagine vi si
riproduceva alterata sotto forma di poesia. Omai egli si sentiva
languire nella solitudine, spasimava di desiderio, agognava
febbrilmente a utilizzare la sua effimera giovinezza, a crescere, a
fruttare, a concedersi e a possedere, in un immenso slancio verso la
Voluttà che integra e che crea. E l’imagine di Flavia, della Donna
conosciuta e vicina, gli sorgeva alta e fulgida nella mente come un
sole nel cielo del suo Destino.
Dalla sera del pranzo in casa Boris, nuovi impulsi eran sopravvenuti
a spingere irresistibilmente il giovine verso la fanciulla: innanzi tutto,
la gelosia viva contro il pretendente noto e disprezzato; poi, la
curiosità di sapere s’ella accettava quest’uomo e se accettandolo lo
amava; in fine, l’ambizione virile di contenderla a questo, di
strappargliela, di trionfare su lui con le proprie qualità e i proprii
meriti. L’impresa gli si presentava oltremodo facile e d’esito quasi
sicuro: il rivale era partito, era lontano, probabilmente senza alcun
rapporto epistolare con Flavia; e non sarebbe riapparso a Cerro che
tra una quindicina di giorni al più presto. Durante la sua assenza,
egli era bene il padrone incontrastato della situazione: avrebbe
potuto agevolmente insinuarsi nelle grazie di lei, vincerne le solite
ritrosie, cancellarle dalla memoria gli ingrati residui del loro breve
passato. Sarebbe certo riuscito, con la sua esperienza psicologica e
le virtù della sua persona, a insignorirsi del cuore ancor titubante
della giovinetta, e a scacciarne ogni altra imagine, ogni altro ideale,
ogni estranea speranza. Non era ella forse già sul punto di cedere,
prima ch’egli avesse deliberato d’evitarla e di fuggirla? E quella sera
sul lago deserto, quando gli aveva stretto con tanta effusione la
mano, non aveva ella confessato in modo indubbio la sua nascente
simpatia per lui? Bastava dunque ch’egli si riaccostasse con una
mossa abile a Flavia; bastava che sapesse riprendere il filo degli
avvenimenti da quell’ultimo tenero colloquio avuto con lei in
solitudine, ed era sicuro che ogni causa di dissidio sarebbe d’un
tratto venuta a mancare ed egli l’avrebbe avuta di nuovo pienamente
in suo potere.
La preoccupazione di questo disegno astuto, la speranza ambigua di
poter contrastare al rivale quel bene a cui egli volontariamente aveva
rinunciato, permanevano costanti nel fondo della sua anima, dove
l’azione della coscienza non giunge che a lunghi intervalli e sotto
forma di rimproveri fievoli e inerti. A volte, com’era tratto a riflettere
su qualche atto preciso dalla sua vita indisciplinata, Aurelio riusciva
bene a intendere la bieca intenzione del suo piano, la slealtà de’ suoi
propositi di conquista; riusciva a intendere ch’egli agiva sotto
l’impulso d’un sentimento invido e geloso e che di là della vittoria sul
rivale egli non vedeva e non considerava mai la conseguente
necessità d’una riparazione verso la fanciulla. Allora aveva momenti
terribili di rammarico e di rivolta morale: come un peccatore credente
che si confessi, egli esagerava il rilievo della sua colpa, e giurava a
sè medesimo di mutar linea di condotta, e s’imponeva, convinto
d’eseguirle, penitenze e rinunce esemplari. Ma il vento della
passione si riversava fulmineo sul suo capo, dissipando in un colpo
le nebbie momentanee delle riflessioni, dei rimorsi e dei buoni
proponimenti. Quella specie di sovreccitazione inconscia e
impaziente, ch’era in quei giorni lo stato abituale del suo spirito,
s’impossessava novamente di lui. Egli ricominciava a sognare, a
correre verso la mèta oscura, contro la quale si sentiva spinto come
da una volontà estranea alla sua, a inebriarsi di frasi sonore, di
morbide fantasticherie, d’imaginose aspettazioni di felicità.
Per tre giorni egli non poté avvicinar Flavia se non alla presenza
delle altre signore, in giardino o sul rialto. Nell’impossibilità di parlarle
da solo a sola, d’investigare il mistero dell’anima sua, Aurelio
sofferse veramente torture senza nome. Seduto un po’ lontano dal
crocchio, come per il passato, egli rimaneva intere ore fermo e
silenzioso al suo posto di guardia, osservando con occhi distratti le
cose circostanti o fingendo d’ascoltare i discorsi interminabili delle
quattro donne. Nulla nel suo aspetto che indicasse un turbamento,
un’angustia, la più leggera impazienza; eppure dentro di lui ferveva
una continua tempesta d’idee oblique e di sentimenti dolorosi.
Talvolta era una malinconia profonda, che lo prendeva durante quei
ritrovi, come un desiderio tragico di riposo e di morte; talvolta era
un’irritazione maligna, come una smania di vendetta e di crudeltà
contro la fanciulla che pareva incurante di lui, o contro le estranee
che gli paralizzavano ogni tentativo; talvolta in vece era un senso
gelido di apatia e di malessere, che gli rendeva intollerabili e quasi
odiose tutte quelle donne e tutte quelle ciance.
Flavia d’altra parte, forse consapevole del suo nuovo valore e delle
mutate intenzioni del giovine, sembrava che si piacesse di fomentare
la sua ansietà e d’esasperare per gusto felino i nascosti tormenti del
suo cuore. Sempre appostata accanto alla madre o alla cugina, non
gli si rivolgeva che assai di rado, e solo per indirizzargli
fuggevolmente un’insipida domanda o per lanciare qualche frizzo
mordace contro le sue teorie su la donna e su la società. In verità,
ella poteva dirsi maestra nell’arte d’usare l’ironia e il sarcasmo:
sapeva cogliere ogni più vaga occasione nel discorso comune per
colpire direttamente dove voleva; sapeva dare a una semplice frase
un senso recondito e affatto diverso dal letterale, con un gesto, con
un atteggiamento del viso, con un’inflessione della voce; sapeva
trovare l’epiteto pungente e cortese, che, mentre passa per gli
astanti inosservato, fa impallidire colui al quale si rivolge. E i suoi
dileggi maliziosi venivan sempre accompagnati dal sorriso più dolce
e più benigno.
Sotto le sferzate subitanee che lo ferivano nel più vivo della sua
sostanza, Aurelio, costretto a tacere o a ricercare una difesa blanda
e rispettosa, fremeva di rabbia e di dolore; ma provava anche, al
risveglio de’ suoi istinti pugnaci, un sollievo particolare, una specie di
scossa violenta e non disaggradevole, come chi esca da una
camera afosa all’aria gelata della via. Più che le irrisioni, più che gli
scherni, più che le ingiurie, egli aborriva il contegno freddo e
indifferente di Flavia: eran la gioconda loquacità di lei, la calma
imperturbabile della sua faccia, sopra tutto il suo riso schietto e
squillante che provocavano in lui i più lividi rancori, le più fosche
idee, i più desolati abbandoni, spingendolo talvolta fin sul confine
della demenza.
La pena era così amara ch’egli pensava di non poterla oltre tollerare.
Ma omai egli era già al punto in cui l’amarezza sprona, in cui
l’ostacolo cimenta, in cui la passione si pasce sia pur di strazii, di
ripulse, d’umiliazioni. Egli partiva da quei convegni stanco, tediato,
oppresso, ma sempre più infervorato del suo piano, sempre più
acceso dal desiderio e dalla gelosia. Tutte le forze del suo orgoglio
s’erano omai concentrate in una mira unica e costante. Le grandi
indignazioni generavano le maggiori tenerezze. L’odio medesimo
non serviva se non a inasprire l’avidità del sentimento, a rendergli
più attraente la visione prossima della preda. E il pensiero del tempo
perduto lo faceva perseverare e ostinarsi nella sua impresa, come il
denaro divorato dalla Fortuna trascina fatalmente dietro di sè il
giocatore che spera di riaverlo.
Quel giorno, dopo la colazione, Aurelio era salito nella sua camera in
balìa d’un’inquietudine straordinaria. Dopo aver tentato in vano di
continuare la lettura d’un libro, che nei dì precedenti lo aveva molto
appassionato, era uscito all’aperto sul balconcino, e v’era rimasto a
lungo, magnetizzato dalla gran luce del pomeriggio. Il suo cervello
aveva vibrazioni continue, pareva còrso da brividi infocati; i palpiti
del suo cuore eran lenti e faticosi, come trattenuti nello sforzo da una
difficoltà. Un sentimento inafferrabile teneva tutto il suo essere, il
sentimento d’una necessità urgente, d’un’imminenza assai grave,
d’un’occasione propizia, sospesa sopra di lui, che il minuto
fuggevole avrebbe potuta irremissibilmente distruggere per la sua
felicità.
Quando udì salire dal basso un suono di pianoforte, Aurelio si
mosse. L’intenzione oscura che lo agitava si dichiarò su l’istante. Egli
voleva veder Flavia nel giardino, in quell’angolo romito al rezzo degli
ultimi abeti, dove l’aveva trovata sola la prima volta; voleva
confidarle tutti i suoi pensieri, tutte le sue pene, per strappare a lei
una confessione esplicita che in un qualunque modo mettesse fine
alla crescente angoscia del suo spirito.
Discese precipitosamente le scale. Salì in corsa a traverso il bosco
senz’incontrar nessuno. L’affanno l’obbligò a sostare qualche attimo
al crocicchio delle due viottole, d’avanti all’antica erma dal volto
corroso e dai seni intatti, come gonfii d’un desiderio immortale. —
Oh, le memorie di quel calmo giorno lontano! Dov’era mai la sua
pace? Dove, la sua gagliarda indifferenza? Dove, i suoi puri sogni di
gloria? — Procedette poi a passo anche più spedito verso l’altura,
quasi lo chiamasse, da quell’ombra, il vivido raggio di sole che
illuminava a traverso un pertugio la sommità del sentiere.
Flavia era là, seduta sotto i pini, un po’ abbandonata su sè stessa,
tenendo su le ginocchia un ricamo che osservava con intensa
attenzione. D’innanzi a lei era disteso l’ampio scialle a mo’ di
tappeto, tutto coperto di scatole, scatolette, astucci, astuccini, e
d’un’infinità di fascetti colorati. Un’altra sediuola portatile all’opposto
lembo dello scialle indicava il posto di Luisa, discesa per l’esercizio
quotidiano di pianoforte.
Vedendola così vicina e così sola, sembrò al giovine che la sua
mente per prodigio si vuotasse e ogni sua energia venisse d’un tratto
a mancare. Rimase immobile allo sbocco del sentiere, incerto
ancora se dovesse avvicinarlesi o retrocedere rapidamente prima
d’essere scoperto. — Perchè era salito lassù? Che cosa avrebbe
potuto dire a Flavia? Con che parole avrebbe incominciato? Egli
s’era lasciato trasportare da un cieco impulso; e non aveva avuto il
tempo di prepararsi al difficile colloquio, di concretare un abile
pretesto di discorso o una qualunque giustificazione della sua
presenza a quell’ora, in quel luogo! Egli si trovava di fronte a lei,
dubbioso, inetto, disarmato, come un capitano che non abbia
preveduto l’incontro d’un nemico formidabile! Che fare? Come
presentarsi? E come allontanarsi? — Nella sua grande confusione,
la fuga gli sembrava impresa quasi più ardua dell’attacco.
Ella alzò per caso gli occhi dal telajo, e lo scorse.
— Signor Aurelio! — esclamò, piacevolmente stupita.
— Buon giorno, signorina, — egli disse, levandosi il cappello e
avanzando. Poi chiese con atto di maraviglia: — Sola?
— Sola, lo vede. Luisa, come sempre a quest’ora, è alla tortura
dell’odioso strumento.
— Difatti..... — egli mormorò.
Voleva dire: «Difatti l’ho sentita studiare dalla mia camera.» Ma si
trattenne in tempo, con il lieve tremito di chi stia per tradirsi o per
isvelare un interno segreto. In vece domandò, concitatamente:
— Ella non ama dunque la musica, signorina?
— Poco. Almeno amo poco la musica ch’io debbo eseguire: al
contrario in teatro mi piace assai, forse perchè mi piace molto il
teatro. Se sapesse quanto han fatto la mamma e il babbo per
invogliarmi a imparare il pianoforte! Essi mi avrebber voluta una
grande pianista; io però li ho scoraggiti presto con la mia inettitudine
e con la mia negligenza.
— E ora, non suona mai?
— Mai, mai!... Ma prego, conte, s’accomodi, — ella aggiunse con
cortesia, indicandogli la sediuola disoccupata, d’onde tolse un pajo
di forbici e un rocchetto di filo d’oro.
Aurelio sedette, dopo un’esitazione breve.
Egli era alfine presso di lei, solo, assolutamente libero, come aveva
desiderato, come aveva voluto. In torno, il bosco d’abeti si piegava
discretamente in arco, formando una profonda nicchia verde, una
specie di parete alta e opaca, che s’apriva soltanto da una parte
quasi per ricevere i riflessi aurei del poggio ammantato dal sole. Il
silenzio della campagna circostante proteggeva il luogo nascosto,
che pareva creato per un qualche alto mistero. Su le vette degli
alberi e sul culmine del colle si distendeva l’etereo manto azzurro, il
muto e deserto paese dell’Eternità e della Gloria, a cui volano
disperdendosi i sogni dell’umanità insodisfatta. — Egli era alfine
presso di lei, solo, assolutamente libero, come aveva desiderato,
come aveva voluto!
Perchè dunque temeva? E da che proveniva l’angustia del suo
cuore? E perchè non osava? perchè lasciava trascorrere inutili
quegli istanti preziosi di solitudine? Ohimè, la sua mente era vuota,
la sua volontà assopita! Egli s’abbandonava alla corrente come un
uomo che disperi di salvarsi!
Parlarono un tempo incalcolabile di cose indifferenti, con lunghi
intervalli di mutismo. Flavia gli mostrò, perchè l’ammirasse, il suo
ricamo, una combinazione a bastanza armonica di tinte languide, di
viola smorto, di verde smorto, d’oliva smorto, disposte a fiamma e
orlate d’oro. Egli, confuso e timido, teneva gli occhi fissi sul lavoro
paziente, e, per dire qualche parola, chiedeva spiegazioni su lo stile,
sul tempo che occorreva per compirlo, su l’uso ch’ella ne avrebbe
poi fatto. In tanto dentro di lui, i rimproveri sorgevano, a uno a uno,
implacabilmente, a similitudine di spettri maligni che uscissero alla
luce da una porta misteriosa; e una voce corrucciata ripeteva ognor
più forte la sollecitazione: — «Agisci! Spiègati! Domanda! Il tempo
fugge, e tu non sai se domani ti sarà concessa un’occasione
altrettanto propizia. Puoi tu sopportare oltre la tortura che ti ha
dilaniato in questi giorni passati? Puoi tu vivere di timori e non di
speranze? Pensaci: meglio, mille volte meglio lo schianto della più
cruda certezza all’angoscia del dubbio sempre crescente. Quando tu
conoscerai tutta la verità, allora soltanto potrai trovare la via di
scampo, che ora la tua vista ottenebrata non discerne.»
Il giovine ascoltava e fremeva. Durante un silenzio più prolungato, gli
parve alfine di poter sciogliere la lingua, d’aver trovato un appicco
facile per il discorso che voleva tenere; credette che un’ispirazione
buona fosse venuta a scuotere il torpore del suo spirito. Egli non
sapeva ancor bene quale fosse questa ispirazione; ma sentiva che il
momento era giunto per tentar la sorte e si diceva che una volta
gittato il dado la partita sarebbe stata senz’altro risolta. Alcune
parole si precisarono nella sua mente; egli le ripetè più volte con il
pensiero, senza poterle pronunciare. — E poi? E poi? — In fine, con
la voce tremante, abbassando gli occhi, mormorò:
— Signorina, avrei bisogno di parlarle.
Flavia, intenta al suo lavoro, alzò lentamente il capo e fissò Aurelio
con aria sospettosa, interrogando.
— Dica pure, — fece ella dopo una pausa, poi ch’egli non
accennava a proseguire.
Un nuovo e più grave eclisse oscurò per qualche istante lo spirito di
lui. — Che cosa dire? Come incominciare? Era dunque necessario
rispondere? Egli non sapeva più nulla, nulla; ignorava per fino dove
e con chi fosse; egli pensava a cose estranee; egli ora era tutto
occupato a considerare attentamente il disegno d’un gran fiore
giallo, che s’ergeva alto su l’erba del prato. Come staccare gli
sguardi da quel fiore? Come concentrare la mente sopra un
determinato soggetto?
Gli occhi di Flavia, che lo fissavan sempre con un’espressione acuta
d’impazienza e d’interrogazione, l’obbligarono a troncare
quell’indugio ingiustificabile. Egli parlò pianamente, cercando le
parole, arrestandosi a ogni frase, quasi aspettando da lei
un’interruzione che gli risparmiasse lo sforzo supremo di concludere.
— Signorina — incominciò — ella deve scusare la mia curiosità... È
stata lei a risvegliarla... con la sua schiettezza, con la sua
espansività, con la fiducia di cui si compiacque d’onorarmi fin dai
primi tempi della nostra conoscenza.... Io vorrei farle una
domanda.... una domanda forse un poco indiscreta.... forse
inopportuna... e forse no... Ma desidererei, prima di rivolgergliela,
una promessa da parte sua... desidererei ch’ella m’assicurasse di
rispondermi francamente, senza timori e senza reticenze... perchè
dalla sua risposta può dipendere... io saprei... In breve, signorina, mi
permette di farle questa domanda?
Flavia, rassicurata dal lungo preambolo, lo ascoltava sempre più
indulgente nell’aspetto, sempre più benevola, con un lieve sorriso di
sodisfazione su le labbra. Ella aveva in quel momento la coscienza
della sua superiorità di fronte a quell’uomo forte, intelligente e
coltissimo, che balbettava con lei come un bambino; e cedeva senza
riflettere al sentimento insidioso di pietà e di condiscendenza, che
suscita assai di sovente nelle donne l’omaggio timido o servile.
Rispose:
— M’interroghi pure quanto vuole; io cercherò d’esser più franca che
m’è possibile.
Il giovine, osservandola di sottecchi, s’avvide del suo mutamento e
fu investito come da un soffio subitaneo di speranza e d’audacia.
Rialzò con un moto brusco il capo e rivolse sicuro gli occhi verso
quelli di lei.
— La porta del suo cuore, — egli domandò, con accento leggero, —
è dunque sempre chiusa, anzi murata, come due mesi or sono?
Il dado era gittato. Ogni ansietà non aveva più ragion d’essere:
Aurelio si sentiva calmo, sereno, quasi indifferente, pronto a
sopportare qualunque più fiero colpo. E la fanciulla, offesa dalla
forma della richiesta e ancor più dalla espressione con cui era stata
proferita, aveva cessato di sorridere e sosteneva gagliardamente lo
sguardo di lui.
Si fissarono così un poco senza parlare, in atto di sfida. L’eterno odio
dei sessi, fatto di diffidenza, di paura e d’orgoglio, irritò e disgiunse le
loro anime, le quali un istante prima eran già in atto di fondersi.
Parve che ciascuno di essi volesse penetrare con gli occhi
nell’intimo dell’altro, senz’esserne a sua volta investigato; parve,
come in un duello, che ciascuno, raccolto nella posizione forte di
guardia, indugiasse a muoversi per la tema di scoprirsi o nella
speranza di sorprendere l’avversario con una botta fulminea.
Ella in fine si risolse a parlare.
— Io le risponderò, — disse con la voce grave, — come lei ha già
risposto a una mia domanda altrettanto indiscreta: schiettamente,
più che mai.
Aurelio la guardò, impassibile. Le parole crudeli non gli suscitarono
in quel momento nessuna commozione: le ascoltò sorridendo, e
concluse in tono scherzoso, ironicamente:
— Me ne rallegro molto con lei, signorina. E le chiedo perdono
d’aver dubitato della sua coerenza.
Più tardi però, quando fu solo, quando l’imagine dell’amata si sostituì
alla sensazione e la fantasia smussò gli spigoli pungenti della realità,
egli, ripensando a quell’ultimo colloquio avuto con Flavia, ebbe le ore
più torbide e più agitate della sua vita. L’idea d’aver sciupato
un’occasione favorevole, d’aver distrutto con un movimento brusco e
temerario l’incanto che stava già per avvolgerli entrambi, lo rese folle
d’ira, di rimorso, di dolore. Il flutto di tenerezza e di passione, ond’era
invaso, sommerse i piccoli rancori, gli impulsi vendicativi, le ribellioni
dell’amor proprio; ed egli non sentì più se non lo schianto atroce
della delusione, l’angosciosa tristezza del suo povero amore
incorrisposto e spregiato.
Su le prime accettò senza discutere il senso letterale delle parole di
Flavia, e giudicò irreparabile e definitivo uno stato di cose che era
fuori del suo potere e della sua volontà. «Ella non l’amava; lo aveva
respinto: ogni speranza dunque era omai perduta per lui.» Egli si
vide, per il capriccio d’una sorte cattiva o per una tragica
disposizione della Natura, perennemente solo e abbandonato tra
esseri estranei o nemici. Pensò che la vita a tal prezzo non valeva la
pena d’esser vissuta; pensò che la gloria era vana, l’umanità era
trista, l’avvenire incommutabile o non meritevole d’esser commutato.
Uno scontento immane del mondo e di sè stesso s’impadronì di tutte
le sue facoltà. Egli rimase soffocato nella stretta di tanta
desolazione, maledicendo all’esistenza e alle sue miserie, anelando
inutilmente a un Bene, ch’era l’Amore e poteva anche esser la
Morte.
Ma una reazione benefica, il ritorno spontaneo e naturale
dell’illusione dopo lo scoramento supremo, non tardò a risollevare il
suo spirito e a infondervi di nuovo il soffio vivificatore della speranza.
Le sue abitudini di riflessione e d’analisi lo spinsero in buon punto a
ricercare sotto il velame delle parole il loro senso recondito e a
costruire pazientemente quelle ipotesi ch’eran per lui meno avverse
e meno scoraggianti. — Era dunque ben certo che Flavia non
l’amava? La sua ripulsa sdegnosa non poteva esser dettata da un
tardo desiderio di rivincita, dall’istinto femminile di difendersi con la
bugia, con l’astuzia, con l’offesa? E non l’aveva egli forse provocata
e meritata quella ripulsa, con la sua domanda importuna e piena di
sarcasmo? — Aurelio ricordò il sorriso che aveva a grado a grado
modificato l’espressione della fanciulla, mentr’egli parlava a frasi
interrotte e la corda della tenerezza vibrava ancora nel suo balbettìo
confuso: Flavia certamente in quell’attimo aspettava da lui una
qualche appassionata rivelazione, e l’aspettava palpitando
d’impazienza e di piacere. S’egli, in vece d’inorgoglirsi e di
reprimersi, avesse aperto con lealtà il suo cuore, probabilmente ella
non avrebbe mutato contegno e non gli avrebbe risposto in tal guisa.
«Ella dunque lo amava; ella non aveva inteso di respingerlo; ella
poteva sempre divenire, quando egli lo volesse, la donna tua.» Un
impeto folle di gioja trasportò la sua anima dagli abissi della
disperazione al colmo della fiducia in sè stesso e nel suo destino.
Egli tremò di soavità, pensando d’essere amato. Egli, imaginando
l’avvenire, credette che la sua vita interna acquistasse d’improvviso
un’accelerazione prodigiosa. La gloria era in lui; il trionfo della sua
persona empiva di letizia l’universo. Ogni cosa si rischiarava; ogni
ostacolo cedeva, come disperso dalla passione soverchiatrice. Gli
passava da presso la Felicità, ed egli udiva bene nel silenzio il
rombo delle sue ali; egli sentiva l’aria scossa e turbata dall’eterna
Chimera proteiforme, dietro cui gli uomini volan travolti, come foglie
nel vento d’un traino impetuoso.
Ma i dubbii e i timori lo circuirono da capo, appena l’analisi si spinse
un poco oltre lo scopo per cui era fatta. Chi cerca il conforto negli
artifizii del raziocinio corre gli stessi rischi di colui che cerca un
tesoro nascosto nel fondo d’una palude. Il pensiero, nella sua
indagine, non può d’un tratto arrestarsi contento alla migliore ipotesi,
e trova sempre accanto a questa un’interpretazione contraria che ne
abolisce ogni valore di certezza e ogni virtù di consolazione. —
L’imagine del pretendente venne a frammescolarsi allora alle sue
considerazioni, e distrusse con il suo solo apparire tutto l’edificio
delle liete aspettative. Non era dunque possibile che il sorriso di
Flavia fosse dedicato a costui? Non era possibile che un’analogia di
situazione o di parole le avesse risvegliato nella mente il ricordo del
fidanzato lontano, illuminandole il volto di dolcezza e di bontà? E
l’ultima sua risposta non poteva essere in vece una superba
menzogna, ch’ella aveva detto volontariamente, per nascondere a
un estraneo il geloso segreto del suo cuore? Tutto ciò era possibile,
ed era più disperante d’ogni altra supposizione! La gelosia
rinasceva; l’odio contro il rivale noto e disprezzato saettava dentro di
lui; il desiderio della fanciulla, inacerbito da quell’odio e da quella
gelosia, diveniva uno spasimo inumano, una follia cupa e maligna
che fomentava nel suo spirito i più temerarii e i più obliqui
divisamenti.
Nei dì successivi il dibattito continuò viepiù fiero: ogni frase, ogni
gesto di Flavia assunse nella sua imaginazione due sensi
contradittorii, ai quali egli rimaneva a lungo aggrappato come agli orli
d’una voragine. «Ella lo amava? Amava quell’altro o rimaneva fedele
al primo che aveva amato?» Egli rispose mille volte,
successivamente, a queste diverse domande con la stessa
affermazione convinta, interpretando una parola di lei scelta a caso
nel corso d’una conversazione indifferente, una sua occhiata
fuggevole o un tremito delle sue palpebre, un sospiro, un sorriso o
un silenzio.
Non si eran più trovati soli dopo d’allora. Aurelio per una settimana
non aveva osato ripresentarsi a lei in quel luogo determinato, a
quell’ora fissa del giorno. Si vedevan dunque, come per il passato, ai
convegni comuni, dove non riuscivano a scambiare che qualche
breve discorso o di quando in quando qualche sguardo eloquente.
Una mutazione sensibile era però avvenuta nel contegno di Flavia:
ella aveva deposto la sua maschera sarcastica e lo trattava ora con
la massima cortesia, sempre un po’ fredda nell’aspetto ma con
inflessioni di voce sottilmente insinuanti e con una certa gravità di
linguaggio che dimostrava una deferenza insolita per lui, un rispetto
nuovo per i suoi principii e per le sue ambizioni. Una sera che donna
Marta si lagnava del nipote e delle sue trascuratezze verso di lei, ella
disse inaspettatamente, senz’ombra d’ironia:
— Per carità, contessa, non si lamenti! Io so che il signor Aurelio le
vuole molto bene. E poi, creda a me, noi donne non abbiamo il diritto
di pretendere dagli uomini, che hanno un ideale e interamente vi si
consacrano, più di quanto essi ci possono concedere. Se noi
vogliamo esser per loro un appoggio e non un ostacolo, è
giuocoforza che ci pieghiamo alle loro esigenze e accettiamo senza
protesta il posto ch’essi ci assegnano nella loro vita. Il signor Aurelio
avrà certo uno splendido avvenire; farà un grande onore al suo
casato: ella dovrebbe esserne superba e non chiedergli di più.
E un’altra sera che tutte a vicenda avevan pianto su la loro sorte,
ella disse anche, rivolgendosi a lui direttamente:
— Chi proprio deve esser felice tra noi è lei, conte; lei, che non ha
pensieri, non soggiace alla comune debolezza dei sentimenti, e vive
una vita speciale, tranquillo, sereno, appartato in mezzo alle sue
idee, come in un mondo creato a sua imagine e somiglianza. Ella
non sa quanto io la invidii, certe volte. Se fossi nata uomo, avrei
voluto essere come lei, forte, solo, libero e sdegnoso d’ogni giogo.
Non sospettava dunque ancora la fiamma divoratrice che gli ardeva
nel cuore? O diceva queste cose per accertarsene, per studiare sul
suo viso l’effetto che avevano dentro di lui?
Così passò un’altra settimana, e il piano di conquista imaginato da
Aurelio rimaneva tuttora allo stato di mera intenzione, sempre più
incerto e più difficile. Le sue speranze s’estinguevano,
progressivamente; il suo sogno di felicità andava avvolgendosi ogni
dì più in cupe ombre, da cui l’imagine di Flavia usciva a pena visibile,
tentatrice e irreale come un’apparizione d’incubo. Tutta la sua
giornata non era omai che una lunga agonia. Egli, come pensava al
giorno in cui il rivale sarebbe ritornato, si sentiva morire d’ansia e di
raccapriccio. E quel giorno era vicino; e ogni ora inerte, anzi ogni
attimo, che il suo cuore pulsando annunziava perduto, lo
approssimava di più! Che fare adunque? Che tentare? Eppure
qualche cosa ancora bisognava fare e tentare, prima di risolversi
all’ultima rinuncia, prima d’abbandonare il campo all’odiato vincitore.
In tanto, l’ora era giunta per lui del grande verace amore di sua vita.
Pareva che sotto l’azione del fuoco violento, tutto il suo essere si
fosse trasmutato, dilatato oltre i limiti consueti, alleggerito, e
arricchito di nuove e sconosciute proprietà. Pareva che fosse
sopravvenuta in lui un’altra anima in luogo della sua propria,
un’anima sensitiva e imaginosa che, avendo a sdegno le nozioni
precise e le fredde astrazioni, amava appassionatamente le cose
incerte, mobili e colorite, i facili errori della fantasia, i trepidi voli
dell’idea nell’aria crepuscolare dei sogni e delle leggende. Egli si
rinnovava; egli aveva cessato d’essere pensatore per divenire
artista. Egli sentiva ora il bisogno d’adornarsi, d’abbellire tutto ciò
ch’era intorno a lui, di vivere una vita estetica, composta di
sensazioni armoniche e ritmate.
La sua squallida camera, già ingombra di libri e di fogli gittati qua e
là in disordine, s’assestò, si trasformò, apparve sotto un aspetto
nuovo, femminilmente gradevole. Egli prese dalle stanze superflue
alcuni tappeti, un grande specchio e due o tre quadri, e ve li dispose
con cura, quelli sul suolo e questi su le pareti; con un drappo,
scoperto nella chiesuola annessa al palazzo, si foggiò un ricco
padiglione sopra il capezzale del letto; discese in giardino, e colse
molte rose, alcuni mazzi di fiori campestri, alcune fronde d’edera per
riempire i vasi polverosi e ornare con essi la tavola da lavoro, il
vecchio canterano e la specchiera. Persino nel suo modo di vestire e
d’atteggiarsi, egli dimostrò una sollecitudine non mai avuta, una
preoccupazione assidua e intensa di piacere, un gusto raffinato nella
scelta delle forme e delle sfumature, il cui segreto non avrebbe mai
sospettato di poter conoscere. E per occupare i suoi ozii agitati, si
fece mandare dalla città diversi libri di liriche, che lesse per la prima
volta, fremendo, esaltandosi, spasimando, quasi gli rivelassero nel
loro linguaggio poetico e ardente l’ardore e la poesia de’ suoi
sentimenti inesprimibili.
Alte idee, in vero, sorgevan nella sua intelligenza, mentr’egli
compiva inconscio la profonda metamorfosi. «Perché non debbo io
amare?» egli si domandava. «Perché questa rinuncia, questa
mortificazione, questa restrizione? Non sono io giovine? Non son
forse degno del supremo godimento della vita? L’attimo è fuggevole;
e dopo l’attimo vengono ininterrotte le tenebre del nulla. Posso io
sacrificare questo attimo a un avvenire, di cui non avrò mai più
visione, nè coscienza? Posso io ragionevolmente opprimere e
disconoscere i diritti di questa carne mortale, che forse è tutta
quanta la mia sostanza?» Egli anche pensava: «Io ho saputo fino a
oggi trionfare de’ miei sensi, per esser libero e consacrarmi
interamente alla preparazione d’una vasta coltura e d’una chiara
comprensione della vita. E per trionfare de’ miei sensi, ho giudicato
l’Amore un’inferiorità, una bruttura, un pericolo. Ma se mi fossi
ingannato? Se le commozioni dell’Amore, ch’io non ho voluto
conoscere, fossero diverse da quelle che ho supposte, e