Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Ronald B. Adler
Santa Barbara City College
Lawrence B. Rosenfeld
The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill
Russell F. Proctor II
Northern Kentucky University
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Brief Contents
Preface xv
FOUNDATIONS OF INTERPERSONAL
PART 1 COMMUNICATION
1 Interpersonal Process 3
Why We Communicate 4
Physical Needs 5
Identity Needs 6
Social Needs 7
FEATURES
Practical Needs 8
MEDIA CLIP: Solitude and Connection: The Communication Process 9
Wild 6
Early Models of Communication 9
DARK SIDE OF COMMUNICATION:
Loneliness and the Internet: A Delicate
Insights from the Transactional Communication Model 10
Balance 7 Communication Principles 13
AT WORK: Communication and Career The Nature of Interpersonal Communication 15
Advancement 9 Communication Misconceptions 17
FOCUS ON RESEARCH: Tweeting: The
Communication Competence 19
Channel Affects the Message 12
Principles of Communication Competence 19
MEDIA CLIP: Pathologically Competent:
House of Cards 22 Characteristics of Competent Communication 21
ASSESSING YOUR COMMUNICATION: Social Media and Interpersonal Communication 23
Your Use of Social Media 24
Characteristics of Social Media 23
FOCUS ON RESEARCH: Sidestepping
Permanence: The Attraction of
Social Media and Relational Quality 28
Snapchat 27 Communicating Competently with Social Media 29
WATCH AND DISCUSS: “Men Read Mean CHECK YOUR UNDERSTANDING 33
Tweets to Female Sports Reporters” 31
KEY TERMS 34
ACTIVITIES 34
vi
CO N T EN T S vii
FEATURES
Influences on Perception 110
FOCUS ON RESEARCH: Online Channels Access to Information 110
Affect Perception 108 Physiological Influences 110
WATCH AND DISCUSS: “All That Psychological Influences 112
We Share” 110 Social Influences 113
AT WORK: Sexual Harassment Cultural Influences 117
and Perception 115
Common Tendencies in Perception 118
MEDIA CLIP: Master of Perception:
Sherlock 118 We Make Snap Judgments 119
FOCUS ON RESEARCH: Hurtful We Cling to First Impressions 120
Communication: A Matter We Judge Ourselves More Charitably Than We Do Others 121
of Perception 122 We Are Influenced by Our Expectations 122
DARK SIDE OF COMMUNICATION: We Are Influenced by the Obvious 123
Distorting Perception: The Gaslight
We Assume Others Are Like Us 123
Effect 126
MEDIA CLIP: Gaining Empathy: Synchronizing Our Perceptions 124
Undercover Boss 128
Perception Checking 124
ASSESSING YOUR COMMUNICATION: Building Empathy 126
Your Empathy Quotient 129
CHECK YOUR UNDERSTANDING 130
KEY TERMS 131
ACTIVITIES 131
CO N T EN T S ix
MEDIA CLIP: Damning with Faint Praise: Social Media and Language 158
Florence Foster Jenkins 151
Online Language and Impression Management 158
FOCUS ON RESEARCH: The Language of Online Language and Gender 160
Online Community 159
CHECK YOUR UNDERSTANDING 161
KEY TERMS 162
ACTIVITIES 162
Evaluating 218
Advising 219
Which Response Type to Use? 221
CHECK YOUR UNDERSTANDING 222
KEY TERMS 223
ACTIVITIES 224
8 Emotions 227
What Are Emotions? 229
Physiological Changes 229
Nonverbal Behavior 230
Cognitive Interpretations 230
FEATURES
Verbal Expression 231
MEDIA CLIP: Intelligence of Another Influences on Emotional Expression 232
Variety: The Big Bang Theory 228
Personality 232
WATCH AND DISCUSS: “The Marriage
Hack” 231
Culture 233
Gender 234
FOCUS ON RESEARCH: Managing Grief
with Humor 233 Social Conventions and Roles 235
Social Media 235
AT WORK: Emotional Labor on the
Job 236 Emotional Contagion 237
DARK SIDE OF COMMUNICATION: Expressing Emotions Effectively 238
Fictional Characters, Real Feelings:
Parasocial Relationships 237 Recognize Your Feelings 238
ASSESSING YOUR COMMUNICATION:
Choose the Best Language 239
Your Emotional Intelligence 243 Share Multiple Feelings 241
FOCUS ON RESEARCH: When Talking Recognize the Difference Between Feeling and Acting 242
About Feelings Makes Things Accept Responsibility for Your Feelings 242
Worse 252 Choose the Best Time and Place to Express Your
MEDIA CLIP: Self-Talk and Resilience: Feelings 242
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt 254
Managing Emotions 244
Facilitative and Debilitative Emotions 244
Thoughts Cause Feelings 245
Irrational Thinking and Debilitative Emotions 247
Minimizing Debilitative Emotions 251
Maximizing Facilitative Emotions 254
CHECK YOUR UNDERSTANDING 255
KEY TERMS 256
ACTIVITIES 256
xii CONTENTS
DIMENSIONS OF INTERPERSONAL
PART 3 RELATIONSHIPS
9 Dynamics of Interpersonal Relationships 259
Why We Form Relationships 260
Appearance 260
Similarity 261
Complementarity 262
Rewards 262
FEATURES Competency 264
DARK SIDE OF COMMUNICATION: The Proximity 265
Anguish of Abusive Relationships 263
Disclosure 265
MEDIA CLIP: The Power and Peril of
Disclosure: Homeland 265 Models of Relational Dynamics 266
FOCUS ON RESEARCH: Communicating Stages of Relational Development 266
About Relational Baggage 268 Dialectical Tensions 273
FOCUS ON RESEARCH: The Dialectical
Tensions of Cell Phone Use 275 Communicating About Relationships 278
MEDIA CLIP: Finding Connection: Content and Relational Messages 278
Trainwreck 276 Maintaining and Supporting Relationships 280
WATCH AND DISCUSS: “Couples Swap Repairing Damaged Relationships 284
Phones and Go Through Each Other’s
CHECK YOUR UNDERSTANDING 287
History” 277
ASSESSING YOUR COMMUNICATION: KEY TERMS 288
Relational Maintenance 282
ACTIVITIES 288
AT WORK: Relational Repair on
the Job 284
Glossary G-1
References R-1
Credits C-1
Author Index AI-1
Subject Index SI-1
Preface
A wise editor once told us that any revision to a successful textbook should
be both familiar and fresh. It should include plenty of updated material,
but it should retain the essence of its time-tested approach. We have
worked hard to make sure this edition of Interplay achieves those goals.
This new edition builds on the approach that has served students and
professors over almost four decades. The accessible writing style is based
on the belief that even complicated ideas can be presented in a straightfor-
ward way. A variety of thought-provoking photos, sidebars, and cartoons
make the subject more interesting and compelling. In terms of its scholarly
grounding, Interplay cites more than 1,500 sources, nearly a third of which
are new to this edition. These citations have a strong communication focus,
as we continue to spotlight scholarship from our field. Research and theory
aren’t presented for their own sake, but rather to explain how the process
of interpersonal communication operates in everyday life.
Online Learning
• Dashboard delivers an enhanced ebook and interactive activities and
assessments to track student progress in a simple and intuitive online
environment. All Dashboard content is engineered to work on mobile
devices, including Android and iOS platforms.
With this edition’s Dashboard, professors and students have more in-
teractive and engaging content than ever before. Each chapter includes:
❍ Brief audio and video chapter summaries to help students review
the basics
❍ Flashcards to help students master new vocabulary
❍ Interactive drag-and-drop chapter summaries to test whether stu-
dents know the basics and have the vocabulary in hand
❍ Multiple-choice pre- and posttests (20 multiple-choice questions
each) to assess students’ knowledge and ability to understand and
apply information
❍ Media Clip and Watch and Discuss video clips with assessments,
based on the book’s features, to help students apply what they have
learned
❍ Interactive versions of the book’s popular self-assessments to give
students immediate feedback on their communication skills and
behaviors
• Course Cartridges for a variety of learning management systems—
including BlackBoard, Canvas, D2L, Moodle, and more—gives you
Oxford’s quality content in your learning management system in just
a few clicks. The course cartridge for Interplay includes the test bank
and the following resources and activities in every chapter: flashcards,
pre- and posttests (20 multiple-choice questions each), audio and
video chapter summaries, and Media Clip and Watch and Discuss
video clips with multiple-choice assessments. With no new systems to
learn and no access code for students, course cartridges make online
assignments easy and accessible to all.
For Instructors
• The Ancillary Resource Center (ARC) at www.oup-arc.com is a
convenient, instructor-focused, single destination for resources to ac-
company Interplay. Accessed online through individual user accounts,
the ARC provides instructors with up-to-date ancillaries at any time
while guaranteeing the security of grade-significant resources. In addi-
tion, it allows OUP to keep instructors informed when new content
becomes available. The ARC for Interplay contains a variety of materi-
als to aid in teaching:
❍ Anenhanced Instructor’s Manual and Computerized Test Bank
provides teaching tips, exercises, and test questions that will
prove useful to both new and veteran instructors. The Instructor’s
xviii PREFACE
For Students
• Now Playing: Learning Communication Through Film looks at
contemporary and classic feature films through the lens of communi-
cation principles. Now Playing illustrates a variety of both individual
scenes and full-length films, highlighting concepts and offering
discussion questions for a mass medium that is interactive, familiar,
and easily accessible. This resource gives you numerous film examples
at your fingertips, saving you valuable preparation time. Contact your
Oxford University Press representative or call (800) 280–0280 to
package Now Playing with your textbook.
• The companion website at www.oup.com/us/interplay offers a wealth
of free and open study resources for students: flashcards, video and
audio chapter summaries, interactive self-tests, and Media Clip and
Watch and Discuss video clips with multiple-choice assessments.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
The book you are reading wouldn’t have been possible without the help of
many talented people. We are grateful to the many colleagues whose sug-
gestions have helped make this book a far better one:
3
4 PART 1 F OU ND ATI ONS OF I NTE RPERS O N A L CO MMU N I CAT I O N
E
VERYONE COMMUNICATES. Students and professors, parents and children, em-
ployers and employees, friends, strangers, and enemies—all communicate. We
have been communicating with others from earliest childhood and will almost
certainly keep doing so until we die.
Why study an activity you’ve done your entire life? First, studying interper-
sonal communication will give you a new look at a familiar topic. For instance, you
may not have realized that you can’t not communicate or that more communica-
tion doesn’t always improve relationships—topics that you’ll read about in a few
pages. In this sense, exploring human communication is like studying anatomy or
botany—everyday objects and processes take on new meaning.
A second, more compelling reason is that we all could stand to be more effective
communicators. A nationwide survey identified “lack of effective communication”
as the leading cause of relational breakups, ahead of money, relatives or in-laws,
sexual problems, previous relationships, or children (National Communication As-
sociation, 1999). Ineffective communication is also a major problem in the work-
place, as 62 percent of surveyed executives indicated in another study (American
Management Association, 2012). Perhaps that’s why parents identify communica-
tion as the most important skill set their children need to succeed in life (Goo, 2015).
Pause now to make a mental list of communication problems you have en-
countered. You’ll probably see that no matter how successful your relationships are
at home, with friends, at school, and at work, there is plenty of room for improve-
ment in your everyday life. The information that follows will help you communi-
cate better with some of the people who matter most to you.
WHY WE COMMUNICATE
Research demonstrating the importance of communication has been
around longer than you might think. Frederick II, emperor of the Holy
Roman Empire from 1220 to 1250, carried out language deprivation ex-
periments. A medieval historian described a dramatically inhumane one:
He bade foster mothers and nurses to suckle the children, to bathe and
wash them, but in no way to prattle with them, for he wanted to learn
whether they would speak the Hebrew language, which was the oldest,
or Greek, or Latin, or Arabic, or perhaps the language of their parents, of
whom they had been born. But he labored in vain because all the children
died. For they could not live without the petting and joyful faces and
loving words of their foster mothers. (Ross & McLaughlin, 1949, p. 366)
PHYSICAL NEEDS
Communication is so important that its presence
or absence affects health. People who process a
negative experience by talking about it report
improved life satisfaction, as well as enhanced
mental and physical health, compared with those
who only think privately about it (Francis, 2003;
Sousa, 2002). Research conducted with police of- After spending a year alone in space, astronaut Scott Kelly de-
ficers found that being able to talk easily with col- scribed his biggest challenge: “I think the hardest part is being
isolated in a physical sense from people on the ground that are
leagues and supervisors about work-related trauma important to you.” How satisfied are you with the amount and
was linked to greater physical and mental health quality of personal contact in your life? What would be the
ideal amount of contact?
(Stephens & Long, 2000). And a broader study of
over 3,500 adults revealed that as little as 10 minutes of talking a day, face
to face or by phone, improves memory and boosts intellectual function
(Ybarra et al., 2008).
In extreme cases, communication can even become a matter of life
or death. As a Navy pilot, U.S. Senator John McCain was shot down
over North Vietnam and held as a prisoner of war (POW) for six years,
often in solitary confinement. POWs in his camp set up codes to send
messages by tapping on walls to laboriously spell out words. McCain de-
scribes the importance of maintaining contact with one another despite
serious risks:
The punishment for communicating could be severe, and a few POWs,
having been caught and beaten for their efforts, had their spirits broken
as their bodies were battered. Terrified of a return trip to the punish-
ment room, they would lie still in their cells when their comrades tried
to tap them up on the wall. Very few would remain uncommunicative for
long. To suffer all this alone was less tolerable than torture. Withdraw-
ing in silence from the fellowship of other Americans . . . was to us the
approach of death. (McCain, 1999, p. 12)
PRACTICAL NEEDS
Along with satisfying physical, identity, and social needs, communication is
essential in dealing with more practical matters. It’s the tool that lets us tell
the hairstylist to take just a little off the sides, direct the doctor to where
it hurts, and inform the plumber that the broken pipe needs attention now!
Beyond these obvious needs, a wealth of research demonstrates that
communication is an essential ingredient for success in virtually every
career. (See the At Work box on page 9.) On-the-job communication skills
can even make the difference between life and death for doctors, nurses,
and other medical practitioners. Researchers discovered that “communica-
tion failures” in hospitals and doctors’ offices were linked to more than
1,700 U.S. deaths in a recent five-year period (Bailey, 2016). Studies also
show a significant difference between the communication skills of physi-
cians who had no malpractice claims against them and doctors with previ-
ous claims (Carroll, 2015).
Communication is just as important outside of work. For example,
married couples who are effective communicators report happier relation-
ships than less skillful husbands and wives (Ridley et al., 2001)—a finding
that has been supported across cultures (Rehman & Holtzworth-Munroe,
2007). And the effects of work–family conflict—a common occurrence
that negatively affects marital satisfaction—can be mitigated with con-
structive communication (Carroll et al., 2013). In school, grade-point av-
erages of college students are related positively to their communication
competence (Hawken et al., 1991). In addition, school adjustment, drop-
out rate, and overall school achievement are highly related to students’
having strong, supportive relationships (Heard, 2007).
Psychologist Abraham Maslow (1968) suggests that human needs fall into
five categories, each of which must be satisfied before we concern ourselves
with the next one. As you read about each need, think about the ways
in which communication is often necessary to satisfy it. The most basic
needs are physical: sufficient air, water, food, and rest and the ability to
reproduce as a species. The second category of Maslow’s needs involves
safety: protection from threats to our well-being. Beyond physical and
safety concerns are the social needs described earlier. Next, Maslow sug-
gests that each of us has the need for self-esteem: the desire to believe that
CH A PT ER 1 I N T ERPERS O N A L PRO CES S 9
No matter the field, research supports what expe- Once you’re hired, the need for communication
rienced workers already know—that communica- skills is important in virtually every career. Engineers
tion skills are crucial in finding and succeeding in spend the bulk of their working lives speaking and
a job. A survey of business leaders rated abilities listening, mostly in one-on-one and small-group
in spoken and written communication as the most settings (Darling & Dannels, 2003). Accounting pro-
important skills for college graduates to possess fessionals spend 80 percent of their time on the job
(Supiano, 2013). In a later study with similar re- communicating with others, individually and in groups
sults, employers told college students that oral (Nellermoe et al., 1999). Oral and written communi-
communication skills, and particularly interper- cation skills are also vital in the computer industry, ac-
sonal communication, are essential for workplace cording to Silicon Valley employers (Stevens, 2005).
success (Coffelt et al., 2016). It’s no wonder that Writing in The Scientist magazine, a commentator
job ads ask for competence in “oral and written echoed this sentiment: “If I give any advice, it is that
communication” more than any other skill set—by you can never do enough training around your over-
a wide margin (Anderson & Gantz, 2013). all communication skills” (Richman, 2002).
Communicator Communicator
sends, sends,
receives, Channel(s) Messages Channel(s) receives,
assigns meaning assigns meaning
that these verbal and nonverbal responses are messages being sent, even
while the other person is talking. Because it’s often impossible to distin-
guish sender from receiver, our communication model replaces these roles
with the more accurate term communicator. This term reflects the fact
that—at least in face-to-face situations—people are simultaneously send-
ers and receivers who exchange multiple messages.
can disrupt communication. External noise includes factors outside the re-
ceiver that make it difficult to hear, as well as many other kinds of distrac-
tions. For instance, loud music in a bar or a jackhammer grinding in the
street might make it hard for you to pay attention to another person. Physi-
ological noise involves biological factors in the receiver that interfere with
accurate reception: hearing loss, illness, and so on. Psychological noise refers
to cognitive factors that make communication less effective. For instance,
a woman who is called “girl” may become so irritated that she has trouble
listening objectively to the rest of a speaker’s message.
FOCUS ON RESEARCH
Tweeting: The Channel Affects the Message
In the years since Marshall McLuhan famously de- more egocentric than tweets from computers—that
clared that “the medium is the message,” scholars is, they included more first-person pronouns such as
have studied the impact of communication channels I, me, my, and mine. Tweets sent from mobile devices
on the messages they convey. Obviously it makes a were also more negative in their wording and content.
difference whether you send a message in person, In other words, a tweet with the phrase “I’m mad” is
by phone, or through social media. A research team more likely to be posted from a phone than a desk-
investigated an even more specific issue: Do Twit- top. The researchers speculated that mobile devices
ter messages created on mobile devices differ from encourage more spontaneous communication—for
those created on computers? better or for worse.
The short answer to that question is yes. In ana- As you’ll read in Chapter 3, wise communica-
lyzing some 235 million tweets over a 6-week period, tors consider pros and cons before making self-
the researchers were able to determine whether the disclosures. This research suggests that the medium
posts originated from mobile devices or from desk- you choose for sending a message may play an im-
top computers. They found that mobile tweets were portant role in that process.
Murthy, D., Bowman, S., Gross, A. J., & McGarry, M. (2015). Do we tweet differently from our mobile devices? A study of
language differences on mobile and web-based Twitter platforms. Journal of Communication, 65, 816–837.
CH A PT ER 1 I N T ERPERS O N A L PRO CES S 13
COMMUNICATION PRINCIPLES
Beyond communication models, several principles
explain the nature of communication.
Communication Is Transactional
As we saw in the transactional model, communica-
tors create meaning through their interaction with
one another. Perhaps the most important conse-
quence of communication’s transactional nature is
mutual influence. To put it simply, communication Like dancing, communication is a transactional process that
isn’t something we do to others; rather, it is an activ- you do with others, not to them. How would you describe
the nature of the communication transactions in your close
ity we do with them. relationships? In what ways is it similar to dancing with a
Communication is like dancing with a part- partner?
ner: No matter how skilled you are, success de-
pends on the other person’s behavior as well as
your own. In communication and in dancing, the partners must adapt to
and coordinate with each other. Further, relational communication—like
dancing—is a unique creation that arises from how the partners interact.
The way you dance probably varies from one partner to another because
of its cooperative, transactional nature. Likewise, the way you communi-
cate almost certainly varies with different partners. That’s why compe-
tent communicators score high in adaptability, as you’ll read later in this
chapter.
Psychologist Kenneth Gergen (1991) expresses the transactional nature
of communication well when he points out how our success depends on in-
teraction with others. As he says, “one cannot be ‘attractive’ without others
who are attracted, a ‘leader’ without others willing to follow, or a ‘loving
person’ without others to affirm with appreciation” (p. 158).
Communication Is Irreversible
We sometimes wish that we could back up in time, erasing words or acts and
replacing them with better alternatives. Unfortunately, such reversal is im-
possible. Sometimes, further explanation can clear up confusion, or an apol-
ogy can mollify hurt feelings, but other times no amount of explanation can
change the impression you have created. It is no more possible to “unsend”
a message—including most digital messages—than to “unsqueeze” a tube
of toothpaste. Words said, messages sent, and deeds done are irretrievable.
Communication Is Unrepeatable
Because communication is an ongoing process, an event cannot be re-
peated. The friendly smile you gave a stranger last week may not succeed
with the person you encounter tomorrow. Even with the same person, it’s
impossible to recreate an event. Why? Because both you and the other
person have changed. You’ve both lived longer, and your feelings about
each other may have changed. What may seem like the same words and
behavior are different each time they are spoken or performed.
Masspersonal Communication
After reading the characteristics just outlined, you might be thinking about
interpersonal communication as a private rather than a public exchange. For
instance, many people would be reluctant to broadcast self-disclosures to an
audience, and a relationship might not feel unique if it’s shared with hun-
dreds of others. In this respect, it’s easy to regard interpersonal communica-
tion as something that happens only in private, one-on-one relationships.
But the emergence of social media has led to some changes in that
thinking. The fact is, when you post a message on a friend’s social net-
working page (“I heard about your new job—congratulations!”), that’s
CH A PT ER 1 I N T ERPERS O N A L PRO CES S 17
PUBLIC
PERSONAL
Jumbotron
Radio call-in proposal
Group email
Listserv Interpersonal
Communication
FIGURE 1.3 Examples
Tailored spam of Mass, Interpersonal, and
Facebook private
message Masspersonal Communication
Adapted from O’Sullivan & Carr, 2017.
PRIVATE
both personal and public. The message is meant for your friend, but others
view and evaluate it. You probably have those others in mind as you craft
the message—otherwise, you could have sent a private text or email. In the
same vein, many blog authors and tweeters interact with their followers,
creating a sense of community (Lee & Jang, 2013). Mediated messages that
are broadcast one-to-many are typically categorized as “mass communica-
tion,” but that label doesn’t capture the nature of some personal messages
aimed at large audiences.
As a way of clarifying the personal nature of some public messages,
communication scholars (O’Sullivan & Carr, 2017) suggest we need a new
label. Masspersonal communication characterizes interaction that crosses
boundaries between mass and interpersonal contexts. Figure 1.3 illustrates
some such intersections and the channels they use. It’s easy to see how
masspersonal communication can enhance a relationship’s uniqueness, in-
terdependence, self-disclosure, and intrinsic rewards.
COMMUNICATION MISCONCEPTIONS
Now that you’ve learned what communication is, it’s time to identify some
things it isn’t. Avoiding these common misconceptions (adapted from
McCroskey & Richmond, 1996) can save you a great deal of trouble in
your personal life.
COMMUNICATION COMPETENCE
“What does it take to communicate better?” is probably the most impor-
tant question to ask as you read this book. Answering it has been one of the
leading challenges for communication scholars. Although we don’t have all
the answers, research has identified a great deal of important and useful
information about communication competence.
Competence Is Situational
Because competent behavior varies so much from one situation and person
to another, it’s a mistake to think that communication competence is a
trait that a person either possesses or lacks (Spitzberg, 1991). It’s more ac-
curate to talk about degrees or areas of competence.
You and the people you know are probably quite competent in some
areas and less so in others. For example, you might deal quite skillfully
with peers while feeling clumsy interacting with people much older or
younger, wealthier or poorer, or more or less attractive than yourself. In
fact, your competence may vary from situation to situation. It’s an over-
generalization to say, in a moment of distress, “I’m a terrible communica-
tor!” It’s more accurate to say, “I didn’t handle this situation very well, but
I’m better in others.”
CHARACTERISTICS OF COMPETENT
COMMUNICATION
Although competent communication varies from one situation to another,
scholars have identified several common denominators that characterize it
in most contexts.
Adaptability
To extend this metaphor, a chef must know when to use garlic, chili, or
sugar. Likewise, a competent communicator needs adaptability, selecting
appropriate responses for each situation—and for each recipient. Adapt-
ability is so important that competence researchers call it “the hallmark of
interpersonal communication skills” (Hullman, 2015). As an example, one
study (Stephens et al., 2009) found that professors negatively appraised
students who sent emails that included casual text language (such as “4”
instead of “for” or “RU” instead of “are you”). These students didn’t adapt
their message to an appropriate level of professional formality. Later in
this chapter, we’ll discuss how choosing the right channel for particular
messages and recipients is also an important component of communication
adaptability.
Adaptability becomes challenging when communicating massperson-
ally. When you post on social media, for instance, it’s likely you have mul-
tiple audiences in mind as you craft your message (Marder et al., 2016). If
you’ve edited an update before posting because you knew how some follow-
ers would react, you’ve practiced adaptability—and also self-presentation,
as described in Chapter 3.
22 PART 1 F OU ND ATI ONS OF I NTE RPERS O N A L CO MMU N I CAT I O N
Empathy/Perspective Taking
We develop the most effective messages when
we understand and empathize with the other
person’s point of view (Nelson et al., 2017).
Empathy, or perspective taking (explained in
Chapter 4), is an essential skill partly because
others may not express their thoughts and feel-
ings clearly. And of course, it’s not enough just
to imagine another’s perspective; it’s vital to
communicate that understanding through verbal
and nonverbal responses (Kellas et al., 2013).
Self-Monitoring
Psychologists use the term self-monitoring to describe the process of paying
close attention to one’s own behavior and using these observations to shape
it. Self-monitors are able to consider their behavior from a detached view-
point, allowing for observations such as:
“I’m making a fool out of myself.”
“I’d better speak up now.”
“This approach is working well. I’ll keep it up.”
It’s no surprise that self-monitoring generally increases one’s effective-
ness as a communicator (Day et al., 2002). The President’s Council of Eco-
nomic Advisers maintains that greater “self-awareness, self-monitoring,
and self-control” will help students be more successful when they enter
the job market (Executive Office of the President, 2009, p. 10). The ability
to ask “How am I doing?”—and to change your behavior if the answer isn’t
positive—is a tremendous asset for communicators.
A S S E S S I N G YO U R CO M M U N I C AT I O N
_____ 2. Online social interaction is more comfortable for me than face-to-face interaction.
_____ 3. I prefer communicating with people online rather than face to face.
_____ 4. I have used the internet to talk with others when I was feeling isolated.
_____ 5. I have used the internet to make myself feel better when I was down.
_____ 6. I have used the internet to make myself feel better when I’ve felt upset.
_____ 7. When I haven’t been online for some time, I become preoccupied with the thought of
going online.
_____ 10. I have difficulty controlling the amount of time I spend online.
_____ 12. When offline, I have a hard time trying to resist the urge to go online.
_____ 13. My internet use has made it difficult for me to manage my life.
_____ 14. I have missed social engagements or activities because of my internet use.
Source: Caplan, S. E. (2010). Theory and measurement of generalized problematic Internet use: A two-step approach. Computers in Human Behavior, 26, 1089–1097.
Chapter IV
The Province of Kweichow
Not only is there a gateway leading out of Yünnan, but also one of
a quite different character leading into Kweichow, and situated at the
other end of the little frontier village. It is a solid stone gateway in a
stone wall.
We passed
along a short
bit of level
street at a
height of
6,200 feet
before we
came to the
wall, and
then we
plunged
down a steep
rocky path,
with a
wonderful
view of deep
valleys
surrounded
by abrupt
and jagged
mountains.
We found
A HAYSTACK.
that day
seven new
varieties of
roses, all very sweet-scented, also rhododendrons, azaleas and
irises. At our halting-place for the night (5,300 feet) we climbed a
little hill crowned with a Buddhist temple, and looked down on trees,
which formed a floor of delicate white blossom as light as
snowflakes, trees quite unknown to me, and no one there seemed
able to give us even a Chinese name for them. It is very difficult to
get information, and we had not the time for making collections.
I tried to learn about them when I came home, and found that
there is in existence a large folio of manuscript of descriptions and
specimens of plants collected by French fathers in this province; but
as no one visits Kweichow there was no demand for such a work,
and there is no hope of it being published. The collection is at the
Edinburgh Botanical Gardens. It was the same with other things: the
mountains often had the strangest forms, and I made careful
drawings of their outlines. Photos were usually out of the question,
as the mountains were too close; they rose up like walls all round us,
and the light was always in the wrong quarter. On my return home I
went cheerfully to learned societies with confident hope of slaking
my thirst for knowledge, but alas! No books on such an unknown
part, the very name of course unknown. When my drawings had
been duly inspected, the remark made was, “I must compliment you
on your sketches, I have never seen mountains like that!” Was there
a touch of irony in the remark?
Truly Kweichow is a wonderful country and beautiful in the
extreme, as the late Dr. Morrison (adviser to the Chinese
Government) told me when I went to get his advice before starting.
“You could not have chosen a more interesting part to travel in,” he
said, “nor a more beautiful one”; and he had travelled in almost every
part of China. It is full of different aboriginal races of whom very little
is known, its flora is remarkably rich and varied, and its geology a
continual surprise.
The second day across the border we crossed a small plain from
which rise a series of round low mounds, like pudding-basins, from
the flat ricefields—an extraordinary contrast to the lofty, jagged
mountains from which we had just descended. In the midst of it all
was a curious tumbled heap of lava-like appearance, looking as if it
had been ejected from the earth by some colossal earthworms. Sir
Alexander Hosie says[21] that there is a parallel row of these mounds
about ten miles to the south: they run east and west. In the ricefields
I saw a brilliant kingfisher, hanging poised in mid-air in search of
prey, while a heron stalked away at our approach.
The rain grew more and more persistent, and the roads were
muddy and slippery to the last degree. Even the sure-footed Chinese
kept tumbling down, and it was almost less trying to walk than to be
bumped down in our chairs. As we advanced into the province the
culture of the opium poppy (papaver somniferum) increased till it was
as much as ninety-nine per cent. of the crops, and the appearance of
the inhabitants showed only too plainly its disastrous effects. In
some of the villages the children were naked, although it was still
cold weather, being only the beginning of April. In the markets the
goods were of the meanest and cheapest description, and the
people looked abject. They rushed out to beg from us. The main
industry of the district was evidently the making of coal balls. The
coal lies actually on the surface, and has only to be scraped
together, mixed with a little earth and water, and then dried: it burns
quite well. Some of the coal is used for fertilizing the ground, being
reduced to ash by being burnt in pits with stones piled on it. Lime
also is used for the poppy fields. Sometimes the coal holes by the
wayside are a couple of yards in diameter. The coir palm is to be
seen in every village, and loquats and walnut trees are cultivated for
their fruit.
We struggled along through a thick mist one day, and one after
another went down like ninepins on the slippery path. One of my
bearers cut his ankle, and was thankful for the doctor’s attentions.
Suddenly I heard an ominous roaring sound, and looked in vain for
the cause. It proved to be produced by a big stream, which
disappeared into a hole in the earth; this appears to be quite a
common phenomenon, and later on we saw one bubble out of the
ground in the same strange fashion.
Another shape of hill attracted my attention, and as I tried to
reproduce it accurately on paper it became obvious that this was one
of the Chinese mountain forms with which one has been familiar
from childhood in their pictures, and which one had supposed to be a
work of imagination. As they always hold in their canons of art that
“form” is quite subsidiary to “spirit,” I imagined that it was not inability
to imitate form accurately, but a deliberate intention of ignoring it in
order to express some more important truth that was the cause of
their drawing, what seemed to me, such unnatural mountains. But
here one discovered that these forms are natural in China, and it is
after all only our ignorance that makes us so misjudge them.
There were hedges by the roadside all bursting into leaf and
blossom, and I never saw such a wealth of ferns of many kinds.
There was material for a whole volume on ferns alone. Lofty trees of
catalpa bungei with their purple blossom, and Boehmeria nivea grew
by the roadside, and rhea grass in the village gardens.
We generally started the day in a damp mist, and were happy
when it cleared away, even though there was no sunshine. We
scanned the hedges for roses, and felt quite aggrieved if we failed to
find fresh varieties every single day. A lovely blush rose filled us with
delight, but pink moss-roses were only seen on one occasion. We
decided that nowhere else could a greater variety of roses be found:
we counted twenty-three varieties before we left the province, and
felt sure we should have found many more had we stayed longer, for
they were hardly in full bloom by the end of April. One day I picked
up a broken branch on the road, thrown away by some passer-by no
doubt because it had no blossoms on it, but the bright green leaves
were a lovely violet on the under side, and I searched in vain to find
a bush of it growing, in order to see what the flowers were like.
Then, too, the birds were reminiscent of home—magpies, larks,
woodpeckers, wagtails, and even the aggravating cuckoo. But there
was one elusive little fellow, known to all dwellers in Kweichow,
though no one could tell me his name: he had a long shrill note with
a short tut-tut-tut at the end. We both watched for him daily, as he
seemed to haunt our path continually, but never could we catch a
sight of him, so dexterously did he hide himself. Occasionally we
thought we saw him, but it was so momentary a glimpse that we
were never sure; the bird we saw looked about the size and shape
and colour of a linnet.
The fourth day in Kweichow we came to a splendid three-arch
bridge in a fertile valley, and spent the night in a very different village
from most—Kuan Tzu Yao. A number of fine new houses were in
course of construction, built largely of stone; amongst others, a post
office next door to our inn. The postal system in China is really
wonderful, even in this backward province, and we had a most
charming surprise at the first post town we entered. Our interpreter
went to the post office, and was surprised at being asked if he were
travelling with English ladies. On admitting this, he was asked to
inform us that if we were in need of money we could draw as much
as was necessary at any office we came to, by order of the postal
commissioner at Kwei Yang. The reason for this delightful
arrangement was that the English Commissioner at Taiyuanfu,
whose advice we had asked about transmitting money, said he
would write to his Chinese colleague and ask him to help us if we got
into difficulties, because of the prevalent highway robberies. This
gentleman was ill at the time the letter reached him, but he
telegraphed to Taiyuanfu as soon as he was fit, that he would do
what he could—and this was his splendid way of meeting the
difficulty. No finer testimony could be wanted of the way the Chinese
trust our people.
The postal system is a fine piece of organization: it reaches to the
utmost bounds of the empire, and although the mails are mainly
carried by runners on foot, they travel very rapidly. The stages are
not long, and there is no delay when the bags are handed from one
runner to the next. For instance, we were told that on this particular
road, what we did in seventeen days the mails would do in four, and
we did an average of eighteen miles a day. We had postal maps
given us of the provinces we were going to visit. On them are
marked all the postal stations, with the distances from one to
another; the line of route; the various grades of offices; the limit of
the district; daily or bi-daily day and night service; daily, bi-daily or tri-
daily service; less frequent ones; postal connexion by boat;
telegraphic connexion; rural box offices, etc. The names of the main
towns are in both Chinese and English, the others only in Chinese.
On the whole, letters travel wonderfully safely. The old postal system
was quite hopeless, and in the interior the missionaries used to
organize their own. Even Peking used to be closed to the rest of the
world yearly for several months. I remember six months when we
had no letters from my sister in Shansi, due to a misunderstanding at
a transmitting station, and there was no telegraphic communication
in those days. Now the old Chinese system has practically died out.
We had another proof of the thoughtfulness of the Chinese
commissioner later. Having heard from one of the missionaries that
we were going into the Miao country before coming to the capital, he
sent up all our letters, a tremendous boon after being weeks without
any. The postal service is under international control, having been
originated in 1896 and built up by Sir Robert Hart in connexion with
the customs: in each province there is a commissioner; nearly all are
Europeans.
As we got further into the province the vegetation grew more and
more luxuriant. The banks were carpeted with lycopodium and
primula and the hedges were full of roses, white and yellow jasmine,
hawthorn, clematis montana, Akebia lobata—a very curious creeper
with wine-coloured blossom, both male and female. The brilliant
yellow-blossomed cassia forms a most impenetrable hedge, with
upstanding thorns, like nails, all along its tough stems. We tied water
jars into our chairs, so as to keep the flowers fresh, and by the end
of the day the chairs were perfect bowers, our men vying with one
another to get us the choicest blossoms. Perhaps the most beautiful
of any was the large white, sweet-scented rhododendron, the
Hymenocallis. This is rare; we only found it once.
The scenery was very grand; long ranges of jagged mountains
and precipitous cliffs, but the road was not in the least dangerous
from that point of view. It was extremely slippery and a heavy mist
lay over everything in the early hours of most days: our men kept
tumbling down. The only one who seemed always steady was Yao,
and he constituted himself my guardian on slippery days, holding my
elbow with a relentless grip, which certainly prevented my tumbling
down and gave me confidence.
At Kuan Tzu Yao we found a nice clean new inn, courtyard behind
courtyard, and each raised a step or two above the last: ours was
the innermost, and we felt unusually secluded. The next night our
immediate neighbours were two fine water buffaloes with their
calves. They are the most valuable domestic animals throughout this
country, as they plough the ricefields quite happily when they are
under water. These two were taken out to work in the early morning,
and we were amused to see a little tatterdemalion bringing them
back in a perfect fury to fetch their calves, which had been left in the
shed. The buffaloes seem to be generally left in the care of boys,
who manage them with much skill, and love to disport themselves on
their broad backs, often lying negligently at ease along them, looking
as much at home as if they were an integral part of the creature.
They are sluggish animals, coming originally from the Philippines.
Leaving Tu Tien our men seemed possessed of a sudden energy,
and went at a great rate, doing nearly seven miles in two hours.
Sometimes we thought we were lacking in humanity to give them
such heavy loads; but then again our scruples seemed foolish in the
light of certain experiences. For instance, one man carried two heavy
suit-cases and a chair, another two large carved window-frames and
a bed, but it didn’t prevent them taking a steep bank at a run, or
having a race at the end of a thirty-mile stage to see who would be in
first. The Chinese coolie is really an amusing creature, and even if
he is clad in rags he finds life a cheerful business. I used to try and
count the patches on the coat of one of my coolies, and never made
them less than forty-six between the neck and waistband, not
including those on the sleeves!
Then the incidents of travel have a humorous side, even on a wet
day in a dangerous neighbourhood. Instead of having our light
midday meal as usual by the roadside near the village, where the
men get theirs, one is obliged to have it in the chairs, placed side by
side in the main street of a busy town. Our escort draws an
imaginary cordon round us, and no one dares approach within two
yards as long as they mount guard. It was a thrilling sight for the
assembled crowd to watch the barbarians wielding knives and forks,
instead of the dear, familiar chopsticks. I must say they behaved
beautifully.
When I sat down to sketch a lovely river scene outside a village
gateway, though many came to look on they did not jostle. These
entrance gates are often quite imposing and of infinite variety. Just
inside was a fine litter of pigs, with a most important-looking sow,
and it was amusing to watch their antics. On a doorstep, extended at
full length lay a large hairy black pig. Its face wore a beatific
expression, with half-closed eyes of rapt enjoyment, while a woman
vigorously groomed it with her brush.
The mountains of Kweichow give shelter to many wild animals,
and even tigers, as well as leopards, are to be found, which cause
great havoc in some of the villages. One story we heard throws an
interesting light on the way the natives look at them. A tiger had
been doing so much damage that the peasantry determined to have
a battue, having tracked it to a certain hill, from which they thought it
would be impossible for it to escape. They formed a cordon round
the hill and gradually drove it to the top. The tiger, in search of
refuge, looked into a shrine, and its pursuers saw this: they
exclaimed, “It is certainly the God of the Hill”; so they turned tail and
fled. Naturally, the tiger seeing this took the opportunity of attacking
them in the rear, and several were badly mauled.[22]
Some of the mountains are very barren, others wonderfully
cultivated, on terraces right up to the very top, and in rocky hollows
only about a foot in diameter, with a mere handful of soil in them.
How the scanty population can do such a vast amount of cultivation
was a mystery we could never solve. One day we started from an
altitude of eighteen hundred feet and climbed over a pass of forty-
eight hundred, whence there was a wonderful panoramic view; our
road could be seen for many miles, winding along the mountainside
above a narrow valley; then diving down into it and up the opposite
side. Our men said the last part of that day’s march, ten li (three
miles), would be on the level, which sounded pleasant news. In point
of fact we dropped nine hundred feet. A fine entrance gate led into
Lang Tai Fung. Just outside the wall were the ruins of an old temple
with a handsome stone carved bridge in front of it, enclosed within a
wall. The inn was a good one, and the weather having suddenly
turned cold we were glad of a brazier. The town seemed much more
prosperous than most. There were large cotton looms, where
weaving was going on in the open air, as well as in a disused temple.
Handsome carved window-frames delighted me so much that I
determined to have some made for the women’s institute at
Taiyuanfu. They were about a yard square in size with a good deal of
carving, so the sum named (twenty dollars including carriage to
Anshun, about fifty-five miles distant) did not seem excessive! It took
us three days to get to Anshun, and the windows arrived within the
fortnight stipulated. We picked them up later, and they formed rather
a large item of our luggage, requiring an extra coolie.
As we neared Anshun the road was less mountainous and the
villages better built. Many of the houses are of grey stone, some built
with mortar, some without. There was a fine waterfall, a hundred and
sixty feet in depth, into the Rhinoceros Pool, near the town of Chen
Lun, and above it a five-span bridge of noble proportions. A busy
market was going on in the town; and a funeral, with the usual paper
horses and servants for burning at the grave, formed an additional
interest to the gay crowd. There were a number of picturesque
tribeswomen, looking as usual very sulky, and not mixing with the
Chinese. From afar we saw the lofty turrets of a Roman Catholic
Church, so we went to see what it was like. The architecture and
fittings were entirely Western, and we had no sooner entered the
church than the fine-looking old French priest came forward and
greeted us. He invited us into his room and we had an interesting,
long talk. He had been thirty-two years in China, but only two in this
district, and seemed very discouraged. I asked about the numbers of
converts, and he said there were about sixteen hundred, but added
dejectedly that they were not at all satisfactory. How hard it must be
to go on working under such circumstances, and with no hope of
return to his own country.
“Lonely I stand
On the loneliest hill top.”
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