The chart and graph below give information about three categories of workers in

Australia and the unemployment levels within those groups. Summarise the
information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons
where relevant.

The pie chart indicates the proportions of three different groups of Australian workers in
2003 while the line chart shows the changes in the unemployment rate of those categories in
Australia over a 10-year period, starting from 1993

Overall, the percentage of workers coming from Australia was recorded as the largest
category in the total workforce. Additionally, while, all groups in unemployment levels
witnessed a downward trend, the unemployed born in non-English-speaking countries
remained the highest during the time frame

Regarding the workforce in Australia, 76% of people born in Australia contributed to the total
labor force, regarded as the most massive element of all three categories. In addition, the
figure for workers from countries who do not speak English (NESC) was higher than that of
those in English-speaking countries ( ESC), at 14% and 10% respectively.

Turning to the unemployment levels, the figure for individuals in NESC took the highest
place in 1993, at 7%, and then dramatically declined to 3% in the last period but remained
the the first position. Besides, the figure for workers born in Australia and those in ESC
started at the same point ( at 4%), which was followed by a decrease to 2% and 1%
respective

Sửa lỗi ngữ pháp nâng cao

Error: "while, all groups in unemployment levels witnessed a downward trend" Correction:
"while all groups in unemployment levels witnessed a downward trend," Explanation:
Remove the comma after "while" as it disrupts the flow of the sentence. Commas are not
needed in this structure of the sentence.

Error: "the unemployed born in non-English-speaking countries remained the highest during
the time frame" Correction: "the unemployed individuals born in non-English-speaking
countries remained the highest during the time frame," Explanation: Add "individuals" after
"unemployed" to clarify that it refers to people, making the sentence more grammatically
correct and precise.

Error: "regarded as the most massive element of all three categories" Correction:
"regarded as the most significant element among all three categories" Explanation:
"Massive" usually refers to physical size, while "significant" refers to importance. Also,
"among" is used instead of "of" when comparing multiple items.

Error: "the figure for workers from countries who do not speak English (NESC) was higher
than that of those in English-speaking countries ( ESC), at 14% and 10% respectively."
Correction: "the figure for workers from countries that do not speak English (NESC) was
higher than that of those in English-speaking countries (ESC), at 14% and 10%
respectively." Explanation: "Who" should be replaced with "that" when referring to countries
because "who" is used for people. Additionally, remove the space before the comma after
(ESC).

Error: "the figure for individuals in NESC took the highest place in 1993, at 7%, and then
dramatically declined to 3% in the last period but remained the the first position."
Correction: "the figure for individuals in NESC reached the highest point in 1993, at 7%,
and then dramatically declined to 3% in the last period but remained in the first position."
Explanation: "Took the highest place" should be replaced with "reached the highest point"
for clarity and correctness. Also, remove the duplicate "the" before "first position."

Error: "which was followed by a decrease to 2% and 1% respective" Correction: "which

was followed by a decrease to 2% and 1% respectively." Explanation: The word
"respective" should come after "1%" to indicate that each percentage corresponds to its
respective category.

Task Achievement
Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay adequately addresses the requirements of the task by summarizing
the information presented in the charts. It provides an overview of the main features, such as
the proportions of different worker categories and the trends in unemployment rates over a
10-year period. The key features, such as the dominance of Australian-born workers in the
workforce and the persistent high unemployment rate among non-English-speaking country-
born workers, are highlighted.

How to improve: To improve the essay, consider providing more specific data points from
the charts to support the summary. Additionally, ensure that details provided are accurate
and relevant. The essay could benefit from more precise language and a smoother flow of
ideas to enhance clarity. Finally, extend the discussion of key features to provide a more
comprehensive analysis within the given word limit.

Coherence & Cohesion

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization by summarizing the
main features of the charts. There is an attempt to compare the categories. However, there
are several coherence and cohesion issues present. The progression of ideas is somewhat
lacking, especially in the transition between paragraphs. Additionally, there is a lack of clear
referencing and substitution, leading to some repetitiveness and confusion. Paragraphing is
used, but it could be improved for better logical flow.

How to improve: To improve coherence and cohesion, the essay should focus on clearer
organization and progression of ideas. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic
and that there is a logical flow between paragraphs. Use cohesive devices more effectively
to connect ideas and avoid repetition. Additionally, pay attention to referencing and
substitution to improve clarity and coherence. Finally, refine paragraphing to ensure it
enhances the logical structure of the essay.

Lexical Resource
Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for flexibility
and precision in conveying ideas. The writer uses a mix of common and less common lexical
items, showcasing some awareness of style and collocation. There is an attempt to vary
vocabulary and use it accurately. For instance, terms like "contribute to," "witnessed a
downward trend," "massive element," and "dramatically declined" indicate a decent range of
vocabulary. However, there are some instances of inaccuracies in word choice and
collocation, such as "the the first position" which should be corrected to "the first position."
Overall, the essay effectively communicates ideas with clarity and coherence, with only
occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource further, pay closer attention to word
choice and sentence structure. Reviewing collocations and idiomatic expressions related to
the topic can help in refining the language used in the essay. Additionally, proofreading for
minor errors such as repeated words and typographical mistakes can contribute to a
smoother presentation of ideas. Striving for more varied and sophisticated vocabulary, while
ensuring accuracy and appropriateness, would elevate the essay to a higher band score.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms,
incorporating a variety of structures such as simple sentences, compound sentences, and
complex sentences. There is an attempt to use complex structures, although some
inaccuracies and awkward phrasings are present. For instance, "the figure for workers from
countries who do not speak English (NESC) was higher than that of those in English-
speaking countries (ESC)" could be improved for clarity and precision. Additionally, there are
instances of punctuation errors and minor grammatical mistakes throughout the essay,
which slightly hinder communication but do not significantly impede understanding. Overall,
the essay effectively conveys information but lacks the full flexibility and accuracy required
for a higher band score.

How to improve: To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, focus on refining
complex sentence structures and ensuring accuracy in sentence constructions. Reviewing
punctuation rules and grammar usage, particularly with regard to subject-verb agreement
and sentence clarity, would be beneficial. Additionally, strive for consistency in verb tense
usage and refine phrasing to enhance clarity and coherence in conveying information.

Bài chữa tham khảo

The provided data comprises a pie chart illustrating the distribution of Australian workers
across three distinct categories in 2003, alongside a line graph depicting changes in
unemployment rates within these categories over a decade, commencing from 1993.

In terms of workforce composition, individuals native to Australia constituted the largest

segment, comprising 76% of the total labor force. Meanwhile, workers originating from non-
English-speaking countries (NESC) represented 14% of the workforce, surpassing those
from English-speaking countries (ESC) by a margin of 4%. ESC workers accounted for 10%
of the total workforce.

Analyzing the unemployment rates within these categories reveals a consistent downward
trend across the board over the ten-year period. Notably, individuals from NESC
backgrounds exhibited the highest unemployment rate in 1993, standing at 7%. Despite a
significant decrease to 3% by the end of the period, NESC individuals maintained the
highest unemployment rate throughout. Conversely, both Australian-born and ESC workers
began with identical unemployment rates of 4% in 1993, experiencing declines to 2% and
1%, respectively, by the conclusion of the period.