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Getting to Zero
How to Work Through Conflict in Your High-Stakes Relationships
Jayson Gaddis • Hachette Book Group USA © 2021 • 320 pages

Workplace Skills / Communication

Social Skills / Conflict Resolution

Take-Aways
• Conflicts bubble up in your relationships when you feel threatened by excessive closeness or distance.
• Abandon your victim mind-set and step into your power as the author of your life’s narrative.
• Develop a secure attachment style, becoming a “relational leader.”
• Commit to resolving your inner conflict.
• Cultivate self-regulation and self-awareness when adversity strikes.
• Overcome conflicts and misunderstandings by strengthening your listening skills.
• Gracefully navigate the most common topics that trigger disagreements.
• Don’t opt for coping strategies that create relationship dead-ends and impede reconnection.
• Pain and conflict are teachers that reveal your true self and potential growth areas.

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 Recommendation
When a relationship breaks down, blaming the other person is tempting. But sometimes you’re the problem.
Learn to take accountability for your conflicts and to handle them with compassion and grace. Improving
your conflict management skills is an investment in your personal growth, says relationship expert Jayson
Gaddis. Don’t let negative early childhood experiences determine the quality of your relationships, Gaddis
urges. Start showing up and presenting a better version of yourself in your relationships today.

Summary

Conflicts bubble up in your relationships when you feel threatened by

excessive closeness or distance.

The word “conflict” frequently conjures images of battles or violence. In reality, conflict doesn’t necessarily
mean all-out warfare. Loosely defined, a conflict is “a rupture, disconnection or unresolved issue” between
two or more people or within yourself, in cases of inner turmoil. Conflicts can unfold when you feel
unwanted, intrusive closeness from another person – for example, if someone shouts at you or infringes on
your personal space. They can also happen when too much distance triggers abandonment fears – if, for
example, you sense that someone is ignoring or avoiding you.

You may find yourself behaving like an entirely different person during conflicts, perhaps throwing
tantrums, giving others the silent treatment, ghosting people or being brutally mean. Such responses are
attempts at self-preservation. If you’ve experienced pain in your past, you can falsely perceive conflict as
threatening – just as a mistreated rescue dog might struggle to trust a loving new owner.

“When stressed, your scared animal takes over, and often in its attempts to make things
better, it makes things worse.”

Reflect on your personal conflict narrative. Take inventory of your relationship with conflict, the dynamics
you observed growing up, how conflict shows up in your relationships today, and whom you clash with most
frequently. Rank your conflicts on a 0-to-10 scale, aspiring to “get to zero”: peaceful, contented resolution.
When you resolve conflicts, you and your counterpart move from a state of disconnection to renewed
connection, understanding and acceptance. Alas, when you’re at a 10 on the conflict management scale, you
feel mired in a state of disconnection, you ruminate about the conflict, you feel hurt, and you harbor negative
feelings about the person with whom you’re clashing.

Abandon your victim mind-set and step into your power as the author of your life’s
narrative.

Most people react to conflict by blaming others, casting themselves in a victim role. While focusing on how
others have hurt you is a natural reaction, if you lurk in “the valley of victimhood,” you’ll lose sight of your
own agency. You’ll adopt an outside-in approach: To feel better about yourself, you’ll want other people to
change their ways. Instead, try an inside-out approach: Focus on what you can change within yourself to
inspire those outside you to change as well. Be wary of creating “a triangle of blame” – that is, triangulating

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 your relationships in a dysfunctional way, viewing one person as a victim, another as a villain and a third as
a rescuer. Gain control of your narrative by taking authorship of your life – that is, embracing conflict and
conquering pain.

“If we want to get empowered, we must engage in conflict whenever it arises, because it’s
the fast track to authorship.”

As an author, you can view your situation more objectively and identify alternatives to the status quo. Often,
the only path to authorship lies in facing your discomfort. As Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius said, “What
stands in the way becomes the way.” Stop running away from conflict. Be honest with yourself about what
you really want, and identify the negative reactions and coping mechanisms blocking your way. Escape
survival mode (if you’re in it) and make a conscious effort to give yourself the emotional and physical
security you need to thrive.

Develop a secure attachment style, becoming a “relational leader.”

Reflect on how your early childhood experiences affect your adult relationships. Unless you make a
deliberate change, your “relational blueprint” will continue to influence how you engage with others and
navigate conflict. Research shows that children who learn that they can trust their parents and caregivers
– and form reliable, supportive bonds with them – develop a “secure attachment style.” When you feel
securely attached, your “relational needs” – the need to “feel safe, seen, soothed, and supported and
challenged” in your close relationships – are satisfied. By contrast, children who don’t feel connected to
caregivers, who perhaps feel neglected, shamed, unsafe or censured, tend to grow into “insecurely attached”
adults who feel disconnected from their emotions and from other people.

“A secure attachment is a foundation from which to navigate the consistent challenges

that life and relationships bring.”

Fortunately, your history needn’t determine your destiny. By developing the skills to reconnect with others
after conflict arises, you can forge a brighter path for yourself. As you develop your conflict-resolution skills
and work on meeting your own needs, you gain the perspective and capacity to be a relational leader. A
relational leader has a growth mind-set. This sort of leader learns from challenging experiences and
aspires to build skills, solve problems and master abilities. Becoming a relational leader requires admitting
when you need help, taking personal responsibility for reaching your desired outcomes, and continuously
learning and developing. It also means welcoming and participating in conflict when it arises.

Commit to resolving your inner conflict.

If you experience inner turmoil, you won’t achieve a sense of fulfillment. If your partner, family, spouse
or friends don’t accept you for who you are – perhaps they see you as “too much” or “not enough” – you’ll
strategically change yourself to gain acceptance. At times, it might feel easier to follow your “magnetic
north” (who others want you to be) instead of your “true north” (who you really are). But when your true self
and your strategic self are misaligned, you’ll experience pain and stress that could lead to depression.

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 To attract the relationships you want, you first must close the gap between your true and strategic selves.
Perform a self-assessment. Be honest about who you are and which values you hold dear. Evaluate how
you spend your time, money and energy, and list and clarify your priorities. This exercise will reveal your
strategic self. Then ask yourself, “What would my values be if I wasn’t afraid?” Recall who you were as a
child when you thought no one was watching. These answers will guide you toward your true north. If you
find a stark discrepancy between your true and strategic selves, admit it. Figure out which fears are holding
you back from being your true self. Remember, you have choices. Commit to steering your compass toward
your true north, and give yourself a deadline.

Cultivate self-regulation and self-awareness when adversity strikes.

Developing self-regulation, or learning how to experience your feelings and sensations, while remaining
present is an essential capacity. Think of self-regulation as the act of soothing uncomfortable emotions,
thoughts and physical sensations without tuning out. Work on expanding your self-awareness by listening
deeply to yourself. Reflect on any conflicts you’ve experienced: Clarify what you and others actually did, and
assess how these actions affected one another. Ask yourself probing questions to get to the root of issues,
such as, “What am I scared of right now?” and “Is this conflict new or repeating?”

“Self-regulation is staying with yourself in the midst of the storm and riding the waves of
sensations and emotions no matter how big the waves are.”

When you feel scared or hypervigilant, identify internal and external resources that can help you regain
your sense of control. For example, focusing on your breath might be an internal resource, while speaking
to a friend you trust or listening to the sound of the ocean can act as a calming external resource. If you feel
alone in the world when life’s conflicts manifest, aspire to be your own “anchor”: Show up for the part of you
that might feel like a frightened or hurt child and act as your own caregiver. Practice pausing before taking
action. When you feel triggered or overwhelmed, give yourself time to cool down and regain perspective.

Overcome conflicts and misunderstandings by strengthening your listening skills.

Conflicts often arise when participants don’t listen well to each other or when they lack a shared
understanding. Leverage LUFU, a tool that means, “I’m going to listen (L) until (U) they feel (F) understood
(U).” LUFU lets you help others get closer to zero on their own conflict scale, while helping them feel less
afraid of connection. LUFU has eight steps:

1 . “Curiosity” – Listen with curiosity to what the other person is saying rather than simply waiting for
your turn to talk.
2 . “Reflective listening” – Repeat what your opponents are saying in your own words, helping them feel
heard.
3 . “Same-page questions” – Gain clarity on what the other is trying to share, asking questions such as,
“Am I following you so far?”
4 . “Active listening” – If someone is delivering a monologue, don’t force yourself to remain quiet, as
you’ll likely stop listening. Actively try to understand them, using statements such as: “Excuse me for
interrupting, I just want to make sure I’m understanding you.”

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 5 . “Empathy” – Imagine how you might feel if you were in the other person’s position.
6 . “Validation” – When you validate others’ experiences, they feel cared for, and you reduce their
defensiveness.
7 . “Ownership” – Acknowledge your role in the conflict, accepting the impact your actions have had on
the other.
8 . “Completion through shared reality” – Before sharing your perspective on the conflict, make sure
the other person feels understood.

Gracefully navigate the most common topics that trigger disagreements.

Learn tactics to navigate the five most common topics of fights:

1 . The small stuff – People argue about the minutiae of their everyday lives. Get back to zero by trying
to identify any issues underlying the tension. Consider simply saying: “It seems like you’re upset about
something bigger, and I’d like to explore that.”
2 . Childhood projections – People can project their past experiences onto the present moment. Take
ownership of your projections when you find yourself recreating the family dynamics and patterns you
knew as a child.
3 . Security – Fights related to your feelings of security threaten your relational needs. If your partner is
willing to work toward helping you feel secure, and vice versa, you can slowly build security, navigating
abandonment fears together.
4 . Value differences – It can be hard to overcome mismatched values in a relationship, such as
religious, political or ideological differences. Try to navigate differences with maturity, agreeing to either
accept them or admit that they’re deal-breakers.
5 . Resentments – Resentment builds when you feel others are trying to force you to live by their values,
as opposed to your own, and vice versa. For example, if a friend doesn’t value punctuality, but you do,
you might come to resent being kept waiting every time you meet. Overcome resentments by owning
them, framing them as unmet expectations and reflecting on whether you could better communicate
your expectations.

Don’t opt for coping strategies that create relationship dead-ends and impede
reconnection.

People often use 10 maladaptive coping strategies when experiencing conflict. These tendencies block
reconnection:

1 . “Blame” – You blame others for your problems, rather than taking responsibility.
2 . “Apologies” – You apologize in a rushed, inauthentic way. Wait to apologize until after you’ve worked
through the conflict, and while making eye contact with your partner.
3 . “Distraction/avoidance” – You avoid discomfort and conflict at all costs, perhaps soothing yourself
with alcohol or distracting yourself with social media.
4 . “Time” – You believe that time, rather than effort, will fix your conflicts.
5 . “Compartmentalization” – You deliberately postpone resolving your conflict, perhaps overworking
to avoid thinking about it.

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 6 . “FRACKing” – When people share their problems, you try to fix, rescue, advise, collude (taking sides,
rather than objectively listening), or kill their perceptions of their experiences.
7 . “Hope and pray” – You spend time wishing the situation would improve, rather than working to repair
the relationship.
8 . “Defensiveness” – You overly explain your actions or justify your behavior when facing critique.
9 . “Stonewalling” – You cut people out of your life and inner circle rather than resolve relationship
issues.
10 . “Gaslighting” – You deny someone else’s lived experiences while framing conflicts as the other
person’s fault.

Pain and conflict are teachers that reveal your true self and potential growth areas.

Facilitate your peace talks and avoid the common traps of conflict by first reaching a number of agreements
with your partner. Resolve to set clear terms (for example, setting aside an hour per week to work on
financial challenges); to commit to learning and growth; to accept conflict’s role in relationships; and
to permit the person with the most emotional capacity to listen to another’s point of view to lead the
conversation. Decide to examine why you assign blame to the other person; to each admit to a role in
conflict; to make space for vulnerability; to speak respectfully; and to remain committed to the relationship
and not threaten to leave. Agree to avoid raising conflicts over email or text and to take responsibility for
learning how to repair conflicts.

“The messiness and uncertainty of conflict will unearth your essence.”

Within every conflict lies an opportunity to learn more about how you show up in relation to others while
highlighting where you need to embrace more integrity and transparency. You don’t need to fear conflict
when you have good conflict management skills: When you step into your role as a relational leader, you’ll
remain empowered when conflict arises. Conflict is uncomfortable, but it is only in discomfort that you can
discover your truest expression of self.

You may find yourself in a painful situation where a person you value refuses to work through conflict with
you. Think of your pain as a guide, leading you toward meaningful change and the relationship outcomes
you desire.

About the Author

Jayson Gaddis is an artist, best-selling author, podcaster, speaker, executive coach, CEO, founder, human
behavior specialist and relationship expert. He has trained more than 200 coaches in 11 countries and is the
creator of Interpersonal Intelligence and Present Centered Relationship Coaching.

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