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 HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA
JUNE
by Kurt Vonnegut

ACT ONE
SCENE ONE
SILENCE. Pitch blackness. Animal eyes begin to glow in the
darkness. Sounds of the jungle climax in animals fighting. A SINGER
is heard singing the first bars of "All God's Chillun Got Shoes."
HAROLD, LOOSELEAF, PENELOPE, and WOODLY stand in a row in
the darkness, facing the audience. They are motionless. A city
skyline in the early evening materializes outside the windows.

The lights come up on the living room of a rich man's apartment,

which is densely furnished with trophies of hunts and wars. There is
a front door, a door to the master bedroom suite, and a corridor
leading to other bedrooms, the kitchen and so on.

PENELOPE
How do you do. My name is Penelope Ryan. This is a simple-minded
play about men who enjoy killing--and those who don't.
HAROLD
I am Harold Ryan, her husband. I have killed perhaps two hundred
men in wars of various sorts--as a professional soldier. I have killed
thousands of other animals as well--for sport.

WOODLY
I am Dr. Norbert Woodly--a physician, a healer. I find it disgusting
and frightening that a killer should be a respected member of
society. Gentleness must replace violence everywhere, or we are
doomed.

PENELOPE
(to LOOSELEAF)

Would you like to say something about killing, Colonel?

LOOSELEAF
(embarrassed)

Jesus--I dunno. You know. What the heck. Who knows?

PENELOPE
Colonel Harper, retired now, dropped an atom bomb on Nagasaki
during the Second World War, killing seventy-four thousand people in
a flash.
LOOSELEAF
I dunno, boy.

PENELOPE
You don't know?

LOOSELEAF
It was a bitch.

PENELOPE
Thank you.

(to all)

You can leave now. We'll begin.

WOODLY
(to the audience, making a peace sign)

Peace!

All but PENELOPE exit.

PENELOPE
(to the audience)

This is a tragedy. When it's done, my face will be as white as the

snows of Kilimanjaro.

(hyena laughs)

My husband, who kills so much, has been missing for eight years. He
disappeared in a light plane over the Amazon Rain Forest, where he
hoped to find diamonds as big as cantaloupes. His pilot was Colonel
Looseleaf Harper, who dropped the bomb on Nagasaki.

(hyena laughs)

I should explain the doorbells in this apartment. They were built by

Abercrombie and Fitch. They are actual recordings of animal cries.
The back doorbell is a hyena, which you've just heard. The front
doorbell is a lion's roar. (to the wings)

Would you let them hear it please? (lion roars)

Thank you.

PAUL, her twelve-year-old son, enters from corridor, a sensitive,

neatly dressed little rich boys.

PENELOPE
And this is my son, Paul. He was only four years old when his father
disappeared.

PAUL
(radiantly, sappily) He's coming back, Mom! He's the bravest, most
wonderful man who ever lived.

PENELOPE
(to audience)

I told you this was a simple-minded play.

PAUL
Maybe he'll come back tonight!

It's his birthday.

PENELOPE
I know.

PAUL
Stay home tonight!

PENELOPE
(ruefully, for they have been over this before) Oh, Paul-PAUL

You're married! You've already got a husband!

PENELOPE
He's a ghost!

PAUL
He's alive!

PENELOPE
Not even Mutual of Omaha thinks so anymore.

PAUL
If you have to go out with some guy--can't he be more like Dad?
(sick)

Herb Shuttle and Norbert Woodly-can't you do better than those two
freaks?

PENELOPE
(resentfully)

Thank you, kind sir.

PAUL
A vacuum cleaner salesman and a fairy doctor.
PENELOPE
A what kind of doctor?

PAUL
A fairy--a queer. Everybody in the building knows he's a queer.

PENELOPE
(knowing better)

That's an interesting piece of news.

PAUL
You're the only woman he ever took out.

PENELOPE
Not true.

PAUL
Still lives with his mother.

PENELOPE
You know she has no feet! You want him to abandon his mother,
who has no husband, who has no money of her own, who has no
feet?

PAUL
How did she lose her feet?

PENELOPE
In a railroad accident many years ago.

PAUL
I was afraid to ask.

PENELOPE
Norbert was just beginning practice. A real man would have sold her
to a catfood company, I suppose. As far as that goes, J. Edgar
Hoover still lives with his mother.

PAUL
I didn't know that.

PENELOPE
A lot of people don't.

PAUL
J. Edgar Hoover plays sports.

PENELOPE
I don't really know.

PAUL
To only exercise Dr. Woodly ever gets is playing the violin and
making that stupid peace sign. (makes the peace sign and says the
word effeminately) Peace. Peace. Peace, everybody. Lion doorbell
roars.

PENELOPE
(cringing)

I hate that thing.

PAUL
It's beautiful.

He goes to door, admits WOODLY, whom he loathes openly.

WOODLY
(wearing street

clothes, carrying a rolled-up poster

under his arm)

Peace, everybody--Paul, Penelope.

PAUL
You're taking Mom out tonight?

WOODLY
(to PENELOPE)

You're going out?

PENELOPE
Herb Shuttle is taking me to a fight.

WOODLY
Take plenty of cigars.

PENELOPE
(an apology, secret from PAUL)

We made the date three months ago.

WOODLY
I must take you to an emergency ward sometime--on a Saturday
night. That's also fun. I came to see Selma, as a matter of fact.

PENELOPE
She quit this afternoon.

PAUL
We don't have a maid any more.

WOODLY
Oh?

PENELOPE
The animals made her sneeze and cry too much.

WOODLY
I'm glad somebody finally cried. Every time I come in here and see
all this unnecessary death, I want to cry.

(winking at PAUL, acknowledging PAUL's low opinion of him) I don't

cry, of course. Not manly, you know. Did she try antihistamines?

PENELOPE
They made her so sleepy she couldn't work.

WOODLY
Throw out all this junk. Burn it!

This room crawls with tropical disease.

PAUL
Everything stays as it is!

WOODLY
A monument to a man who thought that what the world needed
most was more rhinoceros meat.

PAUL
(hotly)

My father!
WOODLY
I apologize. But you didn't know him, and neither did I. How's your
asthma?

PAUL
Don't worry about it.

WOODLY
How's the fungus around your thumbnail?

PAUL
(concealing the thumb) It's fine!

WOODLY
It's jungle rot! This room is making everybody sick! This is your
family doctor speaking now. (unrolling the poster) Here--I brought
you something else to hang on your wall, for the sake of variety.

PENELOPE
(reading)

"War is not healthy for children and other living things." How lovely.
WOODLY
No doubt Paul thinks it stinks. Lion doorbell roars.

WOODLY
I hate that thing.

PAUL
(going to the door) Keeps fairies away!

He admits HERB SHUTTLE, who carries an Electrolux vacuum

cleaner.

SHUTTLE
(to PAUL affectionately, touching him)

Hi kid.

(seeing WOODLY)

Would you look what the car dragged in.

WOODLY
I'm glad you brought your vacuum cleaner.
SHUTTLE
Is that a fact?

WOODLY
That maid just quit. The place is a mess. You can start in the master
bedroom.

PENELOPE
Please-

SHUTTLE
He's not anybody to tell somebody else what to do in a master
bedroom.

PENELOPE
I'll get ready, Herb. I didn't expect you this soon.

(to all)

Please--won't everybody be nice to everybody else while I'm gone?

All freeze, except for PENELOPE, who comes forward to address the
audience. Lights on set fade as spotlight comes on.

PENELOPE
Most men shunned me--even when I nearly swooned for want of
love. I might as well have been girdled in a chastity belt. My chastity
belt was not made of iron and chains and chickenwire, but of
Harold's lethal reputation.

SHUTTLE comes into the spotlight.

SHUTTLE
I keep having this nightmare--that he catches us.

PENELOPE
Doing what?

SHUTTLE
He'd kill me. He'd be right to kill me, too--the kind of guy he is.

PENELOPE
Or was. We haven't done anything wrong, you know.

SHUTTLE
He'd assume we had.

PENELOPE
That's something I suppose.

SHUTTLE
All through the day I'm so confident. That's why I'm such a good
salesman, you know? I have confidence, and I look like I have
confidence, and that gives other people confidence. People laugh
sometimes when they find out I'm a vacuum cleaner salesman. They
stop laughing, though, when they find out I made forty-three
thousand dollars last year. I've got six other salesmen working under
me, and what they all plug into is my confidence. That's what
charges them up.

PENELOPE
I'm glad.

SHUTTLE
I was captain of the wrestling team at Lehigh University.

PENELOPE
I know.

SHUTTLE
If you want to wrestle, you got Lehigh. If you want to play tennis,
you go to Vanderbilt.
PENELOPE
I don't want to go to Vanderbilt.

SHUTTLE
You don't wrestle if you don't have supreme confidence, and I
wrestled. But when I get with you, and I say to myself, "My God--
here I am with the wife of Harold Ryan, one of the great heroes of
all time--"

Pause.

PENELOPE
Yes?

SHUTTLE
Something happens to my confidence.

PENELOPE
(to the audience)

This conversation took place, incidentally, about three months before

Harold was declared legally dead.

SHUTTLE
When Harold is definitely out of the picture, Penelope, when I don't
have to worry about doing him wrong or you wrong or Paul wrong.
I'm going to ask you to be my wife.

PENELOPE
I'm touched.

SHUTTLE
That's when I'll get my confidence back.

PENELOPE
I see.

SHUTTLE
If you'll pardon the expression, that's when you'll see the fur and
feathers fly. Good night.

PENELOPE
Good night.

Blackout.
 SCENE TWO
SHUTTLE and WOODLY argue in pitch darkness, with PAUL listening,
and lights come up gradually to full on the living room the same
evening.

SHUTTLE
You've got to fight from time to time.

WOODLY
Not true.

SHUTTLE
Or get eaten alive.

WOODLY
That's not true either--or needn't be, unless we make it true.

SHUTTLE
Phooey.

WOODLY
Which we do. But we can stop doing that.

The lights are full. SHUTTLE and WOODLY are bored with each
other, WOODLY looks out the window, speaks to an imaginary
listener who has more brains than SHUTTLE. PAUL hates them both,
but prefers SHUTTLE's noisy manliness.

WOODLY
We simply stop doing that--dropping things on each other, eating
each other alive.

SHUTTLE
(calling)

Penelope! We're late!

PENELOPE
(off, in master bedroom suite)

Coming.

SHUTTLE
(to PAUL)

Women are always late. You'll find out.

WOODLY
(thoughtfully)

The late Mrs. Harold Ryan.

SHUTTLE
I'm sick of this argument. I just have one more thing to say: If you
elect a President, you support him, no matter what he does. That's
the only way you can have a country!

WOODLY
It's the planet that's in ghastly trouble now and all our brothers and
sisters thereon.

SHUTTLE
None of my relatives are Chinese Communists. Speak for yourself.

WOODLY
Chinese maniacs and Russian maniacs and American maniacs and
French maniacs and British maniacs have turned this lovely, moist,
nourishing blue-green ball into a doomsday device. Let a radar set
and a computer mistake a hawk or a meteor for a missile, and that's
the end of mankind.
SHUTTLE
You can believe that if you want. I talk to guys like you, and I want
to commit suicide.

(to PAUL)

You get that weight-lifting set I sent you?

PAUL
It came yesterday. I haven't opened it yet.

WOODLY
(musingly, attempting to find the idea acceptable, even funny, in a
way)

Maybe it's supposed to end now. Maybe God wouldn't have it any
other way.

SHUTTLE
(to PAUL)

Start with the smallest weights. Every week add a pound or two.

WOODLY
Maybe God has let everybody who ever lived be reborn--so he or she
can see how it ends. Even Pithecanthropus erectus and
Australopithecus and Sinanthropus pekensis and the Neanderthalers
are back on Earth--to see how it ends. They're all on Times Square--
making change for peepshows. Or recruiting Marines.

SHUTTLE
(to PAUL)

You ever hear the story about the boy who carried a calf around the
barn every day?

WOODLY
He died of a massive rupture.

SHUTTLE
You think you're so funny. You're not even funny.

(to PAUL)

Right? Right? You don't hurt yourself if you start out slow.

WOODLY
You're preparing him for a career in the slaughterhouses of
Dubuque? (to PAUL)

Take care of your body, yes! But don't become a bender of

horseshoes and railroad spikes. Don't become obsessed by your
musculature. Any one of these poor, dead animals here was a
thousand times the athlete you can ever hope to be. Their magic
was in their muscles. Your magic is in your brains!

PENELOPE enters from the bedroom, dressed for the fight. She
wears barbaric jewelry HAROLD gave her years ago, a jaguar-skin
coat over her shoulders.

PENELOPE
(brightly)

Gentlemen! Is this right for a fight? It's been so long.

SHUTTLE
Beautiful! I've never seen that coat.

PENELOPE
Seven jaguars' skins, I'm told. Harold shot every one. Shall we go?

WOODLY
(sick about the slain jaguars) Oh no! Wear a coat of cotton--wear a
coat of wool.

PENELOPE
What?
WOODLY
Wear a coat of domestic mink. For the love of God, though,
Penelope, don't lightheartedly advertise that the last of the jaguars
died for you.

SHUTTLE
She's my date tonight. What do you want her to do--bring the poor
old jaguars back to life with a bicycle pump? Bugger off! Ask Paul
what he thinks.

(to PAUL)

Your mother looks beautiful--right? (PAUL pointedly declines to

answer) Kid?

(PAUL walks away from him) Doesn't your mother look nice? (he
goes to PAUL, wondering what is wrong) Paul?

PAUL
(smolderingly)

I don't care what she wears.

SHUTTLE
Something's made you sore.

PAUL
Don't worry about it.

SHUTTLE
You bet I'll worry about it. I said something wrong?

PAUL
(close to angry tears) It's my father's birthday--that's all.

(facing everybody, raising his voice) That's all. Who cares about
that?

SHUTTLE
(horrified, raising his hand to swear an oath) I had not the slightest
inkling. (to PENELOPE, feeling betrayed) Why didn't you say so?

PAUL
(bitterly)

She doesn't care! She's not married any more! She's going to have
fun!

(to PENELOPE)

I hope you have so much fun you can hardly stand it.

(to WOODLY)
Dr. Woodly--I hope you make up even better jokes about my father
than the ones you've said so far.

SHUTTLE
(reaching out for PAUL) Kid--kid-PAUL

(to SHUTTLE)

And I wish you'd quit touching me all the time. It drives me nuts!

SHUTTLE
(reaching out again) What's this?

PAUL
(recoiling)

Don't!

SHUTTLE
(aghast)

You sure misunderstood something-and we'd better get it straight.

PAUL
Explain it to them. I'm bugging out of here.
Another random document with
no related content on Scribd:
RUSSIAN TEA CAKES Crunchy, sugared, nut-filled snowballs.
This favorite with men came to us from a man. Carl Burkland, a radio executive of
New York City, made them himself for me one Christmas season.
Mix together thoroughly ...

1 cup soft butter

½ cup sifted confectioners’ sugar
1 tsp. vanilla

Sift together and stir in ...

2¼ cups sifted GOLD MEDAL Flour

¼ tsp. salt

Mix in ...

¾ cup finely chopped nuts

Chill dough. Roll into 1″ balls. Place 2½″ apart on ungreased baking
sheet. Bake until set, but not brown. While still warm, roll in
confectioners’ sugar. Cool. Roll in sugar again.
temperature: 400° (mod. hot oven).
time: Bake 10 to 12 min.
amount: About 4 doz. 1½″ cookies.

MANDEL KAGER (Almond Cookies)

These little cakes of intriguing flavor are always on hand for Norway’s holiday
festivities.

Mix together thoroughly ...

1 cup soft shortening (part butter)

½ cup sugar
1 egg

Sift together and stir in ...

 1⅔ cups sifted GOLD MEDAL Flour
½ tsp. baking powder
1 tbsp. cinnamon (3 tsp.)
1 to 1½ tsp. ground cardamom

Mix in ...

½ cup chopped toasted almonds

Chill dough. Roll into 1″ balls. Place on ungreased baking sheet.

Flatten slightly. Brush tops with egg glaze (1 slightly beaten egg yolk
mixed with 1 tbsp. water). Top each with a blanched almond half.
Bake until golden brown.
temperature: 375° (quick mod. oven).
time: Bake 10 to 12 min.
amount: About 3½ doz. 1½″ cookies.
BERLINER KRANSER (Berlin Wreaths)
Delicious and buttery, these gay little
wreaths are made each holiday
season in Norway.
Mix together thoroughly ...

1½ cups soft shortening

(half butter)
1 cup sugar
2 tsp. grated orange rind
2 eggs

Stir in ... Life-size candid camera shot of a

Berliner Krans.
4 cups sifted GOLD
MEDAL Flour

Chill dough. Break off small pieces and roll to pencil size about 6″
long and ¼″ thick. Form each piece into a circle, bringing one end
over and through in a single knot. (See sketch above.) Leave ½″ end
on each side. Place on ungreased baking sheet. Brush tops with
meringue (made by beating 1 egg white until stiff, gradually beating
in 2 tbsp. sugar). Press bits of red candied cherries on center of knot
for holly berries. Add little jagged leaves cut out of green citron. Bake
until set ... but not brown.
temperature: 400° (mod. hot oven).
time: Bake 10 to 12 min.
amount: About 6 doz. 2″ cookies.

to shape a Berliner Krans: Forma

circle and bring one end over and
through.
If rich dough splits apart or seems
crumbly, let it get slightly warm or
work in a few drops of liquid until the
dough sticks together.
PRESS COOKIES Buttery morsels
in intriguing shapes.

HOW TO MAKE
COOKIES WITH A
PRESS
Force dough through a
cooky press (or pastry
tube). Follow directions
accompanying cooky
press. Hold the press
upright, and force out the
dough until it appears at
the edge of the mold ...
then lift the press away.
SPRITZ ( Recipe) (“Spurted out of a press”)
Crisp, fragile, buttery-tasting curlicues.
Mix together thoroughly ...

1 cup soft butter

⅔ cup sugar
3 egg yolks
1 tsp. flavoring (almond or vanilla) or 4 tbsp. grated almonds.

Work in with the hands ...

2½ cups sifted GOLD MEDAL Flour

Chill dough. Force through cooky press onto ungreased baking

sheet in letter S’s, rosettes, fluted bars, or other desired shapes.
Bake until set ... but not brown.
temperature: 400° (mod. hot oven).
time: Bake 7 to 10 min.
amount: About 6 doz. cookies.

CHOCOLATE SPRITZ
Follow recipe above—but blend into the shortening mixture 4 sq.
unsweetened chocolate (4 oz.), melted.

Have baking sheet cold before forcing cooky dough through press onto it. If sheet
is not cold, the fat in the dough will melt and the cookies will pull away from the
sheet when the press is lifted.

BUTTER COOKIES
Follow recipe for Butter Cookies on p. 31. Force chilled dough
through cooky press onto ungreased baking sheet in form of flowers,
wreaths, or any desired shapes.

★ ALMOND WREATHS
Beautiful almond-topped
garlands.
Mix together thoroughly ...

1 cup soft shortening

(mostly butter)
Dough for press cookies may be rolled
¾ cup confectioners’ sugar
out and cut into desired shapes. For
2 egg yolks wreaths, cut with scalloped cooky cutter
1 egg white ... then cut out center with a smaller
1 tsp. vanilla sized cutter.
¼ tsp. salt

Sift together and work in with the hands ...

2 cups sifted GOLD MEDAL Flour

Chill dough. Force through cooky press onto ungreased baking

sheet in shape of wreaths. Brush wreaths with slightly beaten egg
white. Sprinkle with mixture of 2 tbsp. sugar, ¼ tsp. cinnamon, and ¼
cup very finely chopped blanched almonds. Bake until set ... but not
brown.
TO DECORATE
Press bits of red or green candied cherry into top of wreaths to
simulate a bow.
temperature: 350° (mod. oven).
time: Bake 8 to 10 min.
amount: About 6 doz. cookies.
ALPHABETICAL INDEX
General Methods, pages 14 and 15

Almond Crescents, 41
Almond Macaroons, 21
Almond Paste, 21
Almond Wreaths, 43
Animal Cookies, 37
Applesauce Cookies, 17

Bar Cookies, 26
Bell Cookies, 37
Berliner Kranser, 42
Boy and Girl Cookies, 37
Brazil or Pecan Jumbles, 20
Brown Sugar Drops, 16
Brownies, 26
Burnt Butter Icing, 18
Busy-Day Coconut Drops, 16
Busy-Day Nut Drops, 16
Butter Cookies, 31 and 43
Butter Fingers, 41
Butterscotch Cookies, 18

Caraway Cookies, 30
Cherry and Hatchet Cookies, 31
Cherry-Coconut Macaroons, 21
Chocolate Chip Cookies, 20
Chocolate-Coconut Macaroons, 21
Chocolate Cream Drops, 18
Chocolate-Frosted Brownies, 26
Chocolate Icing, 18
Chocolate Pinwheels, 30
Chocolate Refrigerator Cookies, 22
Chocolate Spritz, 43
Christmas Tree Cookies, 37
Coconut Cream Drops, 18
Coconut Jumbles, 20
Coconut-Lemon Bars, 28
Coconut Macaroons, 21
Coffee-and-Spice Drops, 17
Cookies with Faces, 31

Dainty Tea Brownies, 26

Date-and-Nut Squares, 27
Date-Apricot Bars, 29
Date Bars or Matrimonial Cake, 29
Date-Nut Refrigerator Cookies, 22
Date-Oatmeal Cookies, 40
Decorating Icing, 31
Drop Cookies, 16
English Tea Cakes, 41

Fig Bars, 32
Filled Bar Cookies, 29
Filled Cookies, 32
Filled Cookies in Fancy Shapes, 32
Finska Kakor, 39
Flower Cookies, 31
Frosted Gingies, 34
Fruit-and-Nut Drops, 18

Ginger Creams, 19
Ginger Refrigerator Cookies, 23
Gingerbread Boys, 34
Gingies, 34
Glazed Orange Jumbles, 20
Glazing Icing, 38
Gold Cookies, 25

Hazelnut Bars, 29
Heart Cookies, 31
Hermits, 17
His Mother’s Oatmeal Cookies, 33
Holiday Fruit Cookies, 16
Honey Peanut Butter Cookies, 40

Jell-Meringue-Filbert Bars, 28
Jewelled Cookies, 27
Lebkuchen, 38
Lemon Icing, 26
Lemon Snowdrops, 41
Lemon Sugar Cookies, 30
Little Sugar Hats, 38

Macaroons, 21
Mandel Kager, 42
Marie’s Chocolate Icing, 26
Merry Christmas Cookies, 37
Mincemeat Cookies, 17
Miscellaneous Cookies, 25
Molasses Crinkles, 25
Molded Cookies, 40
Monkey-Faced Cookies, 19

New Northland Cookies, 23

Nurnberger, 38
Nut Refrigerator Cookies, 22
Nut Sugar Cookies, 30

Oatmeal Drop Cookies, 19

Oatmeal Refrigerator Cookies, 24
Old-Fashioned Sour Cream Drops, 18
Old-Time Cinnamon Jumbles, 20
Orange-Almond Refrigerator Cookies, 22
Orange-Chocolate Chip Cookies, 20

Peanut Butter Cookies, 40

Peanut Macaroons, 21
Petticoat Tails, 24
Pineapple Filling, 33
Place Cards or Favors, 31
Plantation Fruit Bars, 26
Poinsettias, 32
Press Cookies, 43
Prune Filling, 33
Prune-Orange Bars, 29

Quick Cream Icing, 19

Raisin, Fig and Date Filling, 33

Raisin, Fig or Date Filling, 33
Refrigerator Cookies, 22
Rich Sugar Cookies, 30
Rolled Cookies, 30
Russian Tea Cakes, 42

Salted Peanut Cookies, 16

Sandbakelser, 39
Scotch Shortbread, 39
Simple White Icing, 34
Snickerdoodles, 25
Spiced Prune Drops, 17
Spritz, 43
Star Cookies, 37
Stocking Cookies, 37
Stone Jar Molasses Cookies, 34
Sugar Cookies, 30
Sugar Jumbles, 20

3-in-1 Jumbles, 20
Thumbprint Cookies, 41
Toffee-Nut Bars, 28
Toy Cookies, 37
Tutti-Frutti Surprises, 27

Walnut Squares, 27
Washboards, 25
Wheaties-Coconut Macaroons, 21
Wheaties Drop Cookies, 17
Wreath Cookies, 37

Zucker Hütchen, 38
TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE

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