Emotional & Relational

Intelligence (ERQ ) in TM

Effective Leadership:
INTRApersonal Preparation

Gary J. Oliver, Ph.D.

The Center for Relationship Enrichment
John Brown University

©2009 Gary J. Oliver, Ph.D.

Preparing for a Crisis

Corporate / Institutional Preparation

Crisis plan, manuals, procedures,
checklists, contact lists, etc.

Personal / Individual Preparation

There is a lot you CAN’T specifically
prepare for and there is a lot that you
CAN prepare for!
The Long-Term Impact of a Crisis

 Crisis Happens
 A crisis always has a ripple effect:

Dealing with the initial impact of

the crisis
Dealing with the physical and
financial impact
Dealing with the psychological,
emotional and spiritual impact
 Dealing with crisis well ALWAYS
involves dealing with our emotions
and the emotions of others.

 When we allow our emotions to be in

control we’re more likely to “feel”
there is more of a crisis than there
really is.
 Fear and uncertainty often cause the
flight / fight responses to kick in

 Under pressure most people tend to

react rather than respond

 People with a higher ERQ are more

likely to be able to “respond”
rather than “react” or “over-react”
in ways that only exacerbate the
problem
The Surprising Road to Success
in Leadership:

The IQ Myth

Moving Beyond IQ to ERQ

 Competencies That Are Predictors
of Success:

PERSONAL Competence:
INTRA
______personal Intelligence (EQ)

RELATIONAL Competence:
INTER
______personal Intelligence (RQ)
 What Is Emotional &
Relational Intelligence (ERQ™)?

“The ability to be aware of,

recognize and understand our own
feelings and those of others and to
constructively manage those
emotions in ourselves and in our
relationships.”

Gary J. Oliver, Ph.D.

 The Significance of EQ –
What RESEARCH Tells Us

Rigidity, poor relationships and inability to

lead teams are the most common traits of
executives who derail.

Managers who derailed all had high levels of

expertise and intelligence but many were
arrogant and had a disdain for teamwork.
 The Significance of EQ –
What RESEARCH Tells Us

Hay McBer’s study of hundreds of executives

at 15 global organizations, including Pepsi,
IBM and Volvo found that 2/3’s of the
competencies deemed essential to success
were emotional competencies.
 The Significance of EQ –
What LEADERS Tell Us

“A leader’s intelligence has to have a strong

emotional component. He has to have high levels of
self-awareness, maturity and self-control. She must
be able to withstand the heat, handle setbacks and
when those lucky moments arise, enjoy success with
equal parts of joy and humility. No doubt emotional
intelligence is more rare than book smarts, but my
experience says it is actually more important in the
making of a leader. You just can’t ignore it.”
Jack Welch, Former Chairman of General Electric
Speaking to the Wall Street Journal
The Role of Our Two Brains
in Dealing With Crisis

The EMOTIONAL brain

and the RATIONAL
brain.
The Emotional Brain
helps us make ______
QUICK
decisions.
What Is an Amygdala Hijack?

1. There is a _______.
Trigger
2. There Is an _______
Instant Reaction.
3. There Is _______
Strong Emotion.
4. There Is a Subsequent Feeling of
_________.
Remorse
 The Rational Brain

The Rational Brain

helps us make SOUND
decisions.
 The Rational Brain

The emotional brain processes

information in 2 milliseconds.

The rational brain processes

information in 500 milliseconds—
250 times longer.
 Your ERQ is impacted by the
amount of communication
EMOTIONAL
between your _____________
RATIONAL
brain and your ___________
brain.

BOTH are important!

 The ERQ™ Model
Self (INTRApersonal) Other (INTERpersonal)

Self- Relational
Awareness Awareness
• Emotional • Empathy
Recognition Self-Awareness • Listening
• Accurate • Values Differences
(Awareness) Self-Assessment
• Self-Confidence

Self- Relationship
Management Management
Regulation • Emotional Self- • Effective Communication
Control • Healthy Conflict
(Management) • Takes Personal Management
Responsibility • Influence
• Healthy Anger • Collaboration &
Management Cooperation
• Responds rather than
Reacts
 Quadrant I: Effective Leaders
Have Self-Awareness

Emotional Self-Awareness:
knowing what our emotions are
and recognizing how our emotions
affect our performance
 WHAT Are Emotions?

Emotions are a mental state that can

arise spontaneously and not just
through conscious effort.
Emotions involve a…
• cognitive impact
• behavioral impact
• physiological (respiratory, hormonal
and cardiovascular) impact
 WHAT Are Emotions?

There are over 600 words to describe

emotions.
There are 42 muscles in our face that we
use to express them.

Emotions are a great source of

INFORMATION.
 Why Are Emotions So Important?

Research tells us that as go our

emotional self-awareness, emotional
self-control and empathy skills so
goes the QUALITY of our leadership,
our relationships and the quality of
our life!
 One of the 10 Critical Commandments
for Effective Crisis Management Is:

Thou shalt show EMOTION

and EMPATHY!
 Quadrant I: Effective Leaders
Have Self-Awareness

Accurate Self-Assessment: knowing

one’s own inner resources, abilities, and
limits.

Self-Confidence: a strong sense of

one’s self-worth and capabilities.
 The ERQ Model
Self (INTRApersonal) Other (INTERpersonal)

Self- Relational
Awareness Awareness
• Emotional • Empathy
Recognition Self-Awareness • Listening
• Accurate • Values Differences
(Awareness) Self-Assessment
• Self-Confidence

Self- Relationship
Management Management
Regulation • Emotional Self- • Effective Communication
Control • Healthy Conflict
(Management) • Takes Personal Management
Responsibility • Influence
• Healthy Anger • Collaboration &
Management Cooperation
• Responds rather than
Reacts
 Quadrant II. Effective Leaders
Manage Themselves
“People with a strong ability to manage
emotions can be passionate, but they also
have good emotional self-control, tend to be
even-tempered, think clearly when they are
experiencing strong feelings, make decisions
based on their hearts and their heads, and
generally reflect on their emotions often.”
(Caruso & Salovey, The Emotionally Intelligent Manager)

Emotional Self-Control: keeping

disruptive emotions and impulses in check.
 What is the cost or impact on a
team of a fellow team-member with
LOW emotional self-control?
An ERQ™ Approach
to Making Your
Anger Work FOR You
What Are Some Non-Verbal
Indicators of Anger?
 Major Causes of Anger
Hurt Fear/Anxiety
Frustration
What Does Unhealthy/
Destructive Anger Look Like?

The Cream Puff

The Locomotive

The Steel Magnolia

 What Does HEALTHY and
CONSTRUCTIVE Anger Look
Like?

•Responds •Proactive
•Honoring •Listens
•Trusting •Motivated by
•Caring respect
•Anger •Unselfish
communicated •Firm
•Responsible •I win/You win
How Can I Make My
Anger Work FOR Me?
Have an Emotionally Intelligent
Plan to Deal With the Anger

Self Awareness
 Be AWARE of it.
• What kinds of situations are likely to
trigger your anger?
• How does a co-worker know when
YOU are getting angry?
• When are YOU most likely to
experience anger?

 Admit it and ACCEPT

responsibility for it.
Remind Yourself of the Positive
Things that Healthy Anger Can
Provide.

• It serves as an alarm.
• It is a powerful source of energy.
• It is a source of motivation.
• It can actually increase trust and
intimacy in a relationship.
Self Management

 Determine at the outset who/what is

going to have CONTROL.
 DEFINE it . . . identify the cause or
source of it.
 Choose your RESPONSE. How are
you going to choose to INVEST
the energy?
 Emotional & Relational
Intelligence (ERQ ) in TM

Effective Leadership:
INTERpersonal Preparation

Gary J. Oliver, Ph.D.

The Center for Relationship Enrichment
John Brown University
 The ERQ™ Model
Self (INTRApersonal) Other (INTERpersonal)

Self- Relational
Awareness Awareness
• Emotional • Empathy
Recognition Self-Awareness • Listening
• Accurate • Values Differences
(Awareness) Self-Assessment
• Self-Confidence

Self- Relationship
Management Management
Regulation • Emotional Self- • Effective Communication
Control • Healthy Conflict
(Management) • Takes Personal Management
Responsibility • Influence
• Healthy Anger • Collaboration &
Management Cooperation
• Responds rather than
Reacts
 Quadrant III. Effective Leaders Empathize,
Listen and Value Differences

Empathy: sensing others’ feelings and

perspectives, and taking an active
interest in their concerns

People don’t care how much you _____

know
until they know how much you care
____!
What Empathy Isn’t
 What Empathy Is

Empathy begins with the awareness of

another person’s feelings and then taking
the time to try to understand what it’s like
for them to feel what they are feeling.

Empathy is choosing to walk a mile in

someone else’s shoes, hear through their
ears, see through their eyes and feel with
their heart.
 What Empathy Is

Empathy is choosing to UNDERSTAND.

Understanding involves activating

both the RATIONAL and the
EMOTIONAL parts of the brain.
Psalm 78:72 Jeremiah 3:15
 What Empathy Is

Level 1 Understanding:
ACTUAL _______
The ________ WORDS I thought I heard you say

Level 2 Understanding:
What you didn’t say with your lips, what you
might not have been able to put into words,
but what you said with your eyes and face and
heart.

NEVER be able to resolve or deal with what I

I will ________
don’t choose to understand.
What Empathy Looks Like In
Times of Crisis
Show up
Begin where they are at
Listen
Remember, silence can be a good thing
Help them clarify feelings
Listen some more
Don't rush them
Clarify feelings
In crisis people need:
Safe Places
Safe People
Safe Situations
Barriers to Empathy

differences
1. Ignorance of __________
2. Stereotyping
____________
3. Expectations
____________ of others
4. Critical
_______ attitude
Quadrant I & II skills
5. Lack of _____________
Communication skills
6. Poor ______________
 Empathy and Listening

The secret of empathy is not talking but

LISTENING.

Research tells us that 70% of communication

is miscommunication!
 Empathy and Listening

The secret of empathy is not talking but

LISTENING.

Research tells us that 70% of communication

is miscommunication!

Good communication takes place when we

choose to make our primary goal
UNDERSTANDING the other person
rather than being UNDERSTOOD
 Unhealthy Listening Patterns

1. The FAKER

2. The INTERRUPTER

3. The INTELLECTUAL or Logical Listener

4. The Happy HOOKER

5. The REBUTTAL Maker

6. The “DEAR ABBY” Wannabe

 Improving Your Listening
Skills
1. Make your primary goal UNDERSTANDING
rather than being UNDERSTOOD. Never
assume you know exactly what someone
means by what you thought they said.

2. Be PRESENT.

3. Resist DISTRACTIONS.
 Improving Your Listening
Skills

4. Ask QUESTIONS and REPHRASE.

5. VALIDATE the speaker.

6. Manage your EMOTIONS.

7. Remember that listening is one of the

most invaluable crisis management
skills!
 The ERQ™ Model
Self (INTRApersonal) Other (INTERpersonal)

Self- Relational
Awareness Awareness
• Emotional • Empathy
Recognition Self-Awareness • Listening
• Accurate • Values Differences
(Awareness) Self-Assessment
• Self-Confidence

Self- Relationship
Management Management
Regulation • Emotional Self- • Effective Communication
Control • Healthy Conflict
(Management) • Takes Personal Management
Responsibility • Influence
• Healthy Anger • Collaboration &
Management Cooperation
• Responds rather than
Reacts
 Quadrant IV. Effective Leaders Can
Effectively Work With a Variety of
Different People
“The purpose of an organization is to enable common
people to do uncommon things. It is the test of an
organization to make ordinary human beings perform better
than they seem capable of, to bring out whatever strengths
are in its members, and to use each person’s strength to
help all the other members perform.

It is the task of organization at the same time to

neutralize the individual weaknesses of its members. The
spirit of performance requires that there be full scope for
individual excellence. The focus must be on the strengths
of a person . . . on what they can do rather than on what
they can’t do.”
(Peter Drucker, in Management, Tasks, Responsibilities and Practices)
 So…Now What?

What is one thing you learned in these two

talks that you didn’t know about
yourself?
What is one thing you learned that you
didn’t know about ERQ™ leadership?
 So…Now What?

What is at least one thing that for the next

30 days you’ll work on doing in your
“professional life” as a result of what
you’ve heard?
What is at least one thing that for the next
30 days you’ll work on doing in your
“personal life” as a result of what you’ve
heard?
The Long-Term Impact of a Crisis

 Crisis Happens
 A crisis always has a ripple effect:
Dealing with the initial impact of
the crisis
Dealing with the physical &
financial impact
Dealing with the psychological,
emotional & spiritual impact
 Student Relationships
Assessment (SRA)

www.liferelationships.com