The Family-Systems

Paradigm:
Essential Concepts/Invisible
Realities
Copyright © 2020 by
Paul B. Whittemore, Ph.D., ABPP
The Initial Inescapability of the Family System
• Everyone in the family impacts the family system and is impacted by it.
• This only changes if individuals obtain insight into her or his family
dynamics and alters the way she/he interacts with their own family
system.
• The system is interactive and wholistic with each part effecting all other
parts.
• Causality is non-linear, reciprocal, and circular.
• Like most interpersonal dynamics, these causal connections, forces, and
consequences are invisible to the average person/untrained eye.
The Universal Emotional Needs of Each
Person in the System

• The need to feel---and to be---safe, secure, and

unthreatened.
• The need to feel important, valued, that one
“matters.”
• The need to feel similar to others.
• The need to feel connected with others.
• The need to distinct or separate from others.
• The need to feel different from others…unique in a
positive way.
The Reality and Importance of Boundaries Around Us
to Protect our Privacy, Dignity, and “Personal Space.”
• Definition: Our boundaries are the invisible, semi-permeable perimeters
that need to surround us for psychological health.
• They pertain to all forms of communication and information that comes
to us and goes out to others.
• They pertain to all forms of involvement with others: physical,
emotional, financial, legal, etc.
• They need to be clear to oneself and made clear to others.
• They are frequently challenged by others (intentionally or
unintentionally) and therefore need to be re-stated and reinforced as
often and as firmly as needed.
• They imply responsibility, i.e. who is responsible for what and to whom.
The boundaries of responsibility need to be made clear to oneself and
to others.
• They can change over time, e.g. as children grow the parents need to
recognize the child/adolescent/young adult’s increasing responsibility.
• Basically, each person is responsible for herself/himself and not
(primarily) for other people (obvious exceptions, e.g. dire need).
The Reality and Importance of Recognizing and
Fulfilling One’s Proper “Role”
• The role that each family member fulfills is age and relationship
appropriate.
• Children and adolescents are expected/allowed/encouraged to play
and explore things of interest to them without shame or implication
that they should be consistent or “realistic” like adults.
• Parents are supposed to act as adults who nurture, guide, and
protect the feelings and dignity of each member of the family, and
not expect anyone else in the family to fulfill this role.
• Parental limit setting and discipline should never be cruel or
disproportionate to the child/adolescent’s wayward behavior.
• Parental limit setting and discipline is necessary for the child’s safety
and to properly prepare the child for eventual effective functioning
in the “real world.”
The Importance of Rules
• Definition: Rules refers to how things are to be done at
home and what the proper behavior is with others.
• Rules need to be open, not covert or unspoken.
• Rules need to be clear, not vague.
• Rules need to be applied consistently with all members
of the family, not suspended or modified for some.
• Rules need to be applied consistently over time,
regardless of the parent’s mood or energy level.
• Rules need to be psychologically healthy and respectful
of all persons.
• Rules spoken and taught need to be emulated
consistently by parents.
Therapists need to educate clients on the differences
between healthy and dysfunctional family systems

• Making clear to clients the essential components of

healthy families demystifies a lot of chaos in the
client’s family of origin or present family.
• Teaching healthy boundaries, roles, rules, etc. provides
hope to clients and offers them a model of healthy
family functioning.
• Such educating also reminds both the therapist and
the client of the limits of individual therapy and of any
one person correcting a dysfunctional family system.
• Educating also includes recognizing the common
negative results of family dysfunctions.
Consequences when the emotional need
for worth is not met

• The child grows up to be an adult who has no inner sense

of intrinsic worth.
• This deficit produces one who is dependent on pleasing
others.
• This leads to over-accomodating others and neglecting
ones personal feelings and needs.
• This “caretaking” behavior generates resentment and
depression.
• “Caretaking” is being over attentive to the other person’s
needs/wants and under attentive to one’s own.
Additionally, “caretaking” is doing things for others that
they should be doing for themselves.
Consequences when the emotional need
for safety & security is not met
• The child-adolescent is vulnerable to developing
generalized anxiety or other anxiety problems.
• He/she becomes an adult who is fearful of
upsetting others.
• This leads to fear of conflict, avoidance of conflict,
and non-assertive coping.
• This avoidance of conflict reduces interpersonal
effectiveness (in one’s personal life and at work).
• This avoidance of conflict generates self-loathing
and predisposes one to depression.
Consequences when boundaries
are not healthy
• This generates anxiety and confusion in the child
and adolescent.
• This creates uncertainty regarding who is
responsible for whom.
• This leads to adults not knowing how and when to
limit someone else’s demands or expectations of
them
• This makes them vulnerable to manipulation by
others and to burnout.
• This leads to resentment when others aren’t doing
as much for me as I am doing for them.
Consequences when roles
are not healthy
• This can lead to “role-reversals” where the
children/adolescents need to “take care of the parents.”
• This can lead to “emotional incest” where the
child/adolescent takes the place (emotionally) of an
unhealthy or absent spouse (e.g. “being there” for Mom or
Dad, providing a sympathetic ear etc.)
• This robs the child/adolescent from the freedom to “just be
a child (or adolescent).”
• Children robbed of this freedom will not be able to fulfill
healthy roles of lover-partner or as a parent in adulthood.
• Children adopt unhealthy roles if needed: to feel important
(“the star”), to be noticed (“the black sheep”) or to avoid
trouble (“the lost child”).