Interpersonal

Relationships
Why are we attracted to some people and
not others?
 Theories of Interpersonal Attraction

The Similarity Hypothesis

“We are more likely to be attracted to people
who are similar to ourselves in both personality
and attitude.”
“We like those people who like us back.”
 Theories of Interpersonal Attraction

The Ideal Partner Hypothesis

“We are more likely to be
attracted to certain people
who we believe possess
certain specific traits or
qualities that we think are
ideal, such as stable
emotions, sociability or
intelligence.”
 Theories of Interpersonal Attraction

The Repulsion Hypothesis

“People are repulsed by people who are
dissimilar to them. We actively avoid or dislike
people with very different attitudes to our own.”
 Theories of Interpersonal Attraction

The Optimal Dissimilarity Hypothesis

“Individuals find people who are slightly
different to themselves as the most attractive.”

“We are attracted by the novelty in someone

slightly different, provided they are not too
dissimilar for us to understand.”
 Theories of Interpersonal Attraction

The Optimal Outbreeding Hypothesis

“Similarity, difference (repulsion) and ideal
personality traits are all important
considerations by women when determining the
attractiveness of a potential partner.”
Fatal Attraction
- Those characteristics we view as most
important when choosing a partner may often
be the very same characteristics that lead to
the break-up of that relationship.
- suggests that individuals are initially attracted
to a person due to a particular personality
trait; but at the end of the relationship, they
report finding that trait annoying
 Types of Fatal Attractions
1. Nice to passive – when niceness becomes
annoying
2. Strong to Stubborn – people become
opinionated and difficult to live with
3. Funny to Flaky – the funny person became
immature, not taking other’s feelings
including the partner
 Types of Fatal Attractions
4. Outgoing to over the top – people talk to much and
never relax
5. Caring to clinging – the caring person become
controlling and jealous

“The fatal attraction theory suggest that by the

end of a relationship, we change our interpretation
of our partner’s qualities, rather than the partner
experiencing a change in their personality.”
 Love
- A multi-dimensional concept
Two Kinds of Love accdg. to Walster and Walster
(1978) :
a. Passionate Love – short and intense relationship
accompanied by physiological arousal such as
rapid heart rate and shortness of breath
b. Compassionate Love - reflecting a close and
enduring relationship that hinges on affection
and feelings of intimacy outside physiological
arousal
Clark and Mills (1979)
1. Exchange Relationships (based on cost and
benefits)
- involve the calculating of costs and benefits within
the relationship (cost –time: benefit – enjoyment)
2. Communal Relationships (based on altruistic
motives)
- involve more self-sacrifices
- you do not do something for your partner
because you will get a reward (exchange),but
rather because you choose to.
Theories of Love
Triangular Theory of Love
 Seven Types of
Love according to
Sternberg (1986):
Liking/Friendship (Intimacy) - characterised by
intimacy, closeness, warmth and other positive
emotional experiences but does not involve
passion or commitment.
Infatuation (Passion) - described as the feeling of
‘love at first sight’. However, without the
intimacy and commitment components of love,
infatuation is thought to disappear quickly.
Empty Love (Commitment) - seen at the end of
many long-term relationships, where the two
individuals are committed to each other and the
relationship but have lost the intimate emotional
connection and the passionate attraction.
Romantic Love (Intimacy + Passion) - consists of
partners who are bonded both emotionally, as in
liking, and physically through passionate arousal
and attraction.
Compassionate Love (Intimacy + Commitment) -
thought to typify the type of love found in
marriages in which the passion has gone out of
the relationship, but a deep intimacy and
commitment remain.
Fatuous Love (Passion + Commitment) - where
individuals’ commitment to each other is based
on passion rather than on deep emotional
intimacy.
- Often called ‘whirlwind’ romances where the
commitment is motivated by passion and lacks
the stability of intimacy.
Consummate Love (Intimacy + Passion +
Commitment) - the only love style that includes
all three components of intimacy, passion and
commitment.
- the most complete love and represents the
type of love that most of us are striving for.
Love Styles/Colours of Love
 Primary Styles of Love
Eros – “love at first sight”; immediate and
powerful attraction
Ludus - lover enjoys love and sexual
relationships, but they see them only as fun or
diversion
Storge - based on a solid foundation of
friendship, trust and respect. For this type of
lover, love is an extension of friendship and an
important part of life but is not an essential
goal in itself.
 Secondary Styles of Love
Pragma (Storge + Ludus) – exemplified by a
person with a practical and pragmatic outlook
on love, seeking a compatible lover.
Mania (Eros + Ludus) - reflects the obsessive
and jealous type of individual
Agape (Eros + Storge) - characterised by
altruism; selfless love style that involves loving
and caring for others with no expectation of
reward.
Romantic Love and Attachment Styles
Theory of Attachment Styles
- developed by UK psychoanalyst John Bowlby
who attempted to understand the distress
experienced by infants when they are separated
from their parents
Three Different Styles of Attachment within
Babies:
a. Secure Attachment
b. Anxious-resistant
c. Anxious-Avoidant
Secure Lovers
“Securely attached children are likely to
become securely attached lovers.”
• more trusting
• end to have long-term relationships
• high self-esteem and high regard for others
• generous and supportive when lovers are
under stress
• positive, optimistic and constructive in
interacting with others.
Anxious Resistant Lovers
“More eager to get close to their partners
than the partners are eager to get close to
them.”
• high break-up rate despite deep involvement
• intense grieving following loss
• unstable self-esteem with self-doubt
• tend to be emotional, especially when under
stress
• jealous and untrusting.
Avoidant Lovers
“Do not feel comfortable being close to their
partners, and they feel nervous when people
get too close. They are low on intimacy,
passion and commitment.”
• less investment in relationships
• prefers to be alone
• withdraws from partner when under stress
• finds social interactions boring and irrelevant
• doesn’t like disclosure by self or others.
How individuals initiate the end of a relationship

Four basic response of partners at the end of the

relationship:
1. Exit Strategy - ending the relationship by thinking
about it or talking about it ending. It might also
include acting in a potentially destructive way
2. Voice Strategy - involves actively and constructively
attempting to improve conditions, such as discussing
problems, suggesting solutions, asking the partner
what is bothering them about the relationship,
seeking help through therapy and trying to change
3. Loyalty Strategy - waiting for things to get
better, or hoping that they will sort themselves
out in time. In other words, remaining passively
loyal to the relationship
4. Neglect Strategy - doing nothing to improve
things and letting the relationship fall apart. It
may involve ignoring the partner, spending less
time with them, criticising them for things
unrelated to the problem and refusing to discuss
the problems
Rusbult, Johnson and Morrow (1986) and Rusbult and Zembrodt (1983)
Two strategies for ending the relationship once
partners have made the decision to break up:
Direct Strategies
• ‘fait accompli’ - the instant dissolution of the
relationship
• discussions over the state of the relationship;
for example, ‘Do you think our relationship is
working? ’
• using arguments as a basis for the relationship
to end
• both people agreeing to end the relationship.
Two strategies for ending the relationship once
partners have made the decision to break up:
Indirect Strategies
• withdrawal – for example, ‘I’m really busy with
work at the moment’
• pseudo-de-escalation – for example, stating
that the relationship should be less close and
suggesting both people spend less time
together
• cost-escalation – exaggerating the cost of the
relationship; for example, suggesting the other
person is too demanding
• passive aggressiveness – aggression expressed
indirectly through negative attitudes and
resistance to reasonable requests (usually in the
hope that the other person gets fed up with
them and ends it themselves)
• fading away – slowly disappearing from the
relationship.
Leslie Baxter (1986)
 Four Stages of Break-up
• Intrapsychic stage – beginning to think
negative aspects, dissatisfaction builds up
starts saying “there is something wrong”, “I
can’t stand it anymore”
• Dyadic stage -
confronting the
partner with the
negative thoughts
“I’m leaving” or “I’m
thinking of leaving”
 Four Stages of Break-up
• Social stage – deciding what to do now that
the relationship is effectively over
“Let’s split, I mean it.”
• Grave-dressing stage - the relationship now is
officially ended (buried), with all explanations
for the relationship dissolution in place
“It’s now inevitable.”
How do individuals react when the other
person initiates the end of the relationship?
Anxious Resistant Lovers – show more distress
and anger and present dysfunctional coping
strategies and disordered resolution with the
loss of the relationship. Most difficult to ‘let go’
and make frequent attempts to re-establish the
relationship.
How individuals react when the other person
initiates the end of the relationship
Anxious-Avoidant Lovers – show significantly fewer
distress reactions, showing more avoidant tactics
and self-reliant coping strategies at the end of a
relationship.
- Can very quickly
move on to the
next relationship,
seemingly without
a care in the world.
How individuals react when the other person
initiates the end of the relationship
Secure Lovers – tend to use their friends and
family to help them cope with the end of the
relationship.
- Still suffer unhappiness and distress at the
end of a relationship but remain more
optimistic about the future

Davis, Shaver and

Vernon, 2003
- process that leads to the reduction of
unforgiveness (which includes feelings of
bitterness and anger) and the promotion of
positive regard (such as love, compassion,
sympathy, pity) for the offender.
- willingness to abandon resentment, negative
judgement and indifferent behaviour towards
the person who has hurt them, while adopting
qualities such as compassion, generosity and
love towards that same person (Hill, 2001)
The Enright
Model of
Forgiveness
The Worthington (Pyramidal) Model
 Forgiveness and Personality
“Narcissists not only have great difficulty in
granting forgiveness but also have difficulty in
seeking forgiveness.”

Narcissism is an individual differences

personality construct with the primary
characteristic of an excessive love or admiration
of oneself or grandiose and inflated sense of self
(Campbell, Rudich and Sedikides, 2002).