THE POWER OF TALK

Who gets heard and why

by Deborah Tannen
 Communication & Confidence

 Communication is not just about “what we say”, but

“how we say”
 Confidence reflects from the way people present
themselves, and much of it is in the form of talk
 Ways of speaking learned in childhood affect
judgments of competence and confidence, as well as
who gets heard, who gets credit and what gets done
 Influence of linguistic style on conversations and
human relationships
Linguistic style

What is linguistic style?

 A person’s characteristic speaking pattern – tone, speed,
loudness, pacing and pausing, word choice and use of
elements like stories, questions, etc.
 A set of culturally learned signals not only for communication
but also interpretation and evaluation of others

Slight differences in this style can have a surprising impact on

who gets heard, judgments including the ones that are made
about people and their abilities.
 The two functions of a language :
- Communication of ideas
- Negotiation of relationships
 Patterns constituting linguistic style differ from men to women
 Lessons learned in childhood are carried over into the
workplace
 STYLES OF TALKING
STYLES OF TALKING UNINTENDED
CONSEQUENCES
Sharing credit Use “we” rather than Speaker doesn’t get
“I” to describe credit for
accomplishments accomplishments and
may hesitate to offer
good ideas in the
future
Acting modest Downplays their Speaker appears to
certainty, rather than lack confidence and
minimizing doubts, hence, competence;
about future others reject speaker’s
performance good ideas
Asking questions Ask questions freely Speaker appears
ignorant to others; if
organization
discourages speaker
from asking questions,
knowledge remains
buried
Apologizing Apologizes freely Speaker appears to lack
authority
Giving feedback Notes weaknesses only Person receiving feedback
after first citing thoughts concludes that areas needing
improvement are not important
Avoiding verbal Avoids challenging Others conclude that the
opposition others’ ideas and hedges speaker has weak ideas
when stating his own
ideas
Managing up Avoids talking up Managers conclude that speaker
achievements with hasn’t achieved much and
higher-ups doesn’t deserve recognition or
promotion
Being indirect Speaks indirectly rather Subordinates conclude that
than bluntly when telling manager lacks assertiveness and
subordinates what to do clear thinking, and judge
manager’s directives as
unimportant
 ONE UP, ONE DOWN
 Men tend to be sensitive to the power dynamics
of interaction
 Women tend to react more strongly to the
rapport dynamic
 Men-speaking in ways that position themselves
as one up and resisting being put in a one down
position by others.
 Women-speaking in ways that save face for
other
 Getting credit
 Women generally do not claim for credit for their
contributions.
 Women generally don’t praise themselves
thinking, if they do so they won’t be liked.
 I and we example
 While working in teams, relatively more women
do not get credit for their contributions because
they are not vocal
Confidence and boasting
 Women are more insecure than men.
 Women are more likely to downplay their
certainity and men likely minimize their doubts
 Men and women are conditioned for a specific
kind of behavior towards each other in their
childhood.
 EX- research on students for anticipated grades.
Asking questions
 Asking the right questions at right time is the
hallmark of a good manager.
 Cultural and individual personality has influences
in whether and when people asks questions.
 Men are less likely to ask questions than women.
 Men also form negative opinion of others who
asks questions where they would not.
 Conversation Rituals
 Conversation is the ritual where in we speak in certain
conventionalized manner and expect certain response.
 People observe different rituals in different countries
and the problem arises when we think we are all
speaking the same language.
 Its easy to observe different foreign rituals, but people
in general don’t accept these different rituals at work.
 Apologies
 Women tend to say “sorry” more frequently than
men as a means of express of concern whereas
many men avoid apologies because they see them as
putting the speaker in one-down position
 People who tend to apologize more may end up
appearing weaker, less confident.
 Most of the people express their discomfort working
under the managers who refuses to apologize or
admit fault
 But at times,accepting responsibility for errors and
mistakes may be an equally effective strategy for
effective communication
Feedback
 The way in which feedback is given often is the
cause for misunderstanding
Eg: the way in which a manager gives feedback
to his subordinate, may be interpreted in several
ways
 People have their own perspective of viewing the
feedbacks.
 For a person his assumption seems self-evident
and blames others for their part.
Compliments
 What is ritual in this context?
 Exchanging compliments as a ritual
 Susan & Bill scenario
 In general, rituals that men and women learn,
 Men- Tend to put others down and take one up
position in a team
 Women-In a team , tend to take the one down
position for themselves and hope other person
will pull them up
 What happens if men and women with this
attitude works in a team?
Ritual Opposition
 Ritual comparison between two genders
-Women-Apologize, mitigating criticism with
praise ,exchanging compliments
-Men- Opposition
-Example-Incident on ritual opposition that took
place in my workplace
 Men’s Attitude-Try to find weakness by
challenging others ideas , as a way of helping
them to explore and test their ideas
o Women’s Attitude-Usually take things personally,
and try to fend off from sharing their ideas in a
team with men with above said attitude.

o Ritual Opposition- Can play an important role who

gets hired

o In an organization which appreciates ritual

opposition , person who is not comfortable to
above linguistic style risk appearing insecure
about his/her ideas even though they are very
good .
Negotiating Authority
Linguistic style plays a subtle role in placing
individuals within hierarchy.
 Managing Up and Down:Managing people above
and below position held differs from men to
women and affects promotion at work place and
superiority.
 Indirectness:Tendency to say what we mean
without spelling out in so many words.
 Directness-”Have that report on my desk by
noon”
 Indirectness-”Do we have the sales data by
product line for each region?”
Study of Employees through role
play on Criticizing

 Scenario 1:Boss Criticizes Sub-Ordinate

 Women were more careful to save face when
they are managing down.
 Scenario 2:Subordinate talking to Boss
 Men were more careful about how they deliver
criticism
Indirectness

 Everyone tends to be indirect in some situations

and varies from one culture to another
 Generally, American Women are more indirect
than American Men
 Women are indirect when it comes to telling
others what to do. Otherwise girl subordinates
brand it as bossy
 Men are indirect when admitting fault or
weakness
Situations of Indirectness
 Pilot Vs. Co-pilot

Co-pilot: That don’t seem right, does it?

Ah, that’s not right. Well-

 Retail Operation Owner (She)Vs. Store

Manger(He)
She had said ”The bookkeeper needs
help with the billing. How would you
feel about helping her out”
He: Fine.
What to do?
• No one best way of speaking
• Speaking will vary depending on the situation,
company culture, relative rank of speakers, their
linguistic styles, etc.
• Critical skill for managers is to become aware of
the workings and power of linguistic style, to
make sure that people with something valuable
do contribute.