Assertiveness

Women’s Residential Programme

Overall aims of session:

To encourage participants to think about what assertiveness is

and how they can incorporate it into their recoveries and day to
day interactions.

Expected outcomes for participants:

Participants will practice their assertiveness skills within a safe

environment and reflect on how it feels to be assertive. As well
as bringing empathy into conflict situations to communicate
mindfully, assertively and compassionately with others.
Assertiveness:
“One of the changes women commonly struggle with is becoming more assertive. In order to
affect change, it’s important to be able to ask for what you want and need, to create space for
yourself in order to heal and foster healthy and enjoyable new habits. Assertiveness isn’t
about demanding what you want at all costs at the expense of others, it’s about being
respectful of yourself and your time and respecting the other person whilst being diplomatic
and direct.”

There are different types of conflict:

External – when we struggle with something else, an object or another person, or
Internal – when we struggle with ourselves, and give examples of each.

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 “What could it be like if everyone was encouraged to
communicate assertively in all their relationships?”
(Would you feel scared? Would you feel safe to say what you felt?
Would you be listening to each other?)

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 Communicating Assertively Promotes:

• Healthy, respectful communication.

• Respectful conflict, where people feel heard and not

threatened.
• Both people feel good and respect relationship boundaries.

• Feel safe with one another and comfortable being vulnerable.

• Clearly states wants & needs.

• Both partners can share their emotions in a calm and

respectful way.
• No abuse
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 Definitions:

Passive
Is where we do not express out thoughts
and feelings; we fear the reaction of the
other person and we say nothing; this
means we end up in situations where we
are placing the needs of others ahead of
our own; we are saying the other person is
more important than us; we can end up
feeling resentful because we end up doing
something we do not really want to do;
people can then continue to ask us to do
more and more.
Assertive
- is something we are born with, but then is taken away from
us as we start to fit in socially; when we are told what to do
and do not want to risk being judged by others; this leads us
to saying yes to conform; if we were taught to be assertive by
a parent, we may be better at this; it is a skill we can learn and
develop; we may be more assertive in some situations than
others, e.g. with partner versus work; assertiveness is where
we are able to state what we think and feel; we are able to
listen and empathise with the other person; we are aware of
our own needs and boundaries; our needs are as important as
the other person’s; we are able to reach compromises, where
appropriate; assertiveness is expressed in an even voice tone,
is explanatory and there is good eye contact; we can assert in
what we say and what we do; being assertive is not about
needing to win – we might not get what we want, but we have
expressed how we think and feel.
Aggressive
Often this is because we do not know how to
express how we think and feel – we may feel
vulnerable and weak for doing this; we come
across as angry or confrontational; this often
makes the other person feel small or react back,
exacerbating the situation; we might end up
getting what we want, but we are damaging
relationships in the process; being aggressive is
often about winning the argument; it is
communicating our needs are more important than
the needs of others.
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How do we communicate more effectively?
Less reactive and more responsive. MINDFULLY communicating
with others.

STOP PAUSE CONNECT RESPOND

How am I feeling? Take a breath How might they Eye contact
Thinking? be feeling? Show empathy
Reacting? Or thinking? Express myself
Listen to response

REMEMBER: Our assertive intention is not to win the discussion, but to express
ourselves and understand the other person’s position. Be prepared to compromise.
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ACTIVITY: "I"
Statements
• When a person feels that they are being blamed—whether rightly or wrongly—it’s common that
they respond with defensiveness. “I” statements are a simple way of speaking that will help your
clients avoid this trap by reducing feelings of blame. A good “I” statement takes responsibility for
one’s own feelings, while tactfully describing a problem.

• Our "I" Statements worksheet includes education and tips that will help your clients apply the
technique in real-life situations, along with several practice examples.

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 What Are The 3cs of Assertive Communication?
The 3cs of assertiveness are-
1.Confidence,
2.Control,
3.Clear.

How? Let's see-

1. Confidence-you believe in your ability to handle a

situation
2. Control- In any situation, you have control over yourself. You give information in a calm and controlled
manner. When we use the term self-control, it means you should watch your tone.
It would be best if you seemed relaxed in conversation. Be patient, and don't get annoyed because you are irritated. If
you are in control, the listener feels respect and likes to be open to hearing your message. Using words like "thank
you," "please," and a positive tone while speaking are the best strategies to compel others to listen to you.

3. Clear- The message you deliver is clear and easy to understand without confusion. Don't impress; let others
listen and hear of you. Be brief with more meaning.
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 • Role Play – see handout
Activity:
Please now split into pairs, now practice
How to be Assertive assertive responses using different
scenarios and taking it in turns.

An assertive response is:

• Say what happened
• Say how you feel
• Say what you would have liked to
happen differently.

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Discuss:
 Was it harder or easier than
expected?
 How can learning to be assertive
affect our ability to manage a
situation and how we feel about it?
 Did being assertive change the
outcome of the conversation?
 Do the group feel being assertive
will assist them in their recovery, if
so, how?
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