Emotional

Intelligence at Work

Introduction
Emotional intelligence, also referred to as EI or EQ (emotional quotient), is one of
the most important ideas to hit the business world in recent years. It is based on
the notion that the ability of individuals to understand their own emotions, and
those of the people they work with, is the key to better business performance.

Although there have been some over-hyped claims made in the past about the
benefits of EI. There is substantial evidence that EI can improve personal
performance.

“For leadership positions, emotional intelligence

competencies account for up to 85% of what sets
outstanding managers apart from the average.”
Emotional intelligence was originally developed by the psychologists, Peter
Salovey, John Mayer and Howard Gardner and became popular when Daniel
Goleman wrote his book, ‘Emotional Intelligence’ in 1995.

In simple terms, Emotional Intelligence is the ability in us to control our emotions

and understand and express feelings in a way that is positive to both ourselves
and those around us.

In the past, people were assessed by conventional intellect, which was referred
to as IQ. What emotional intelligence tells us, is that there are wider aspects to
intelligence and we need EQ or Emotional Quotient as well as IQ to succeed.

To be successful we must be able to effectively control and manage our own

emotions and those of people around us.

 Understand yourself, your goals, intentions, responses and behaviour

 Understand others, and their feelings

The five domains of Emotional Intelligence:

Intrapersonal:
• Self-awareness
• Self-management
• Self-motivation
Interpersonal:
• Empathy
• Managing Relationships

Self-Awareness
Self-awareness is about understanding what it is that drives us and seeing
ourselves as others see us. Knowing our goals and what it is that we want to
achieve in life, whilst also being aware of our limiting beliefs and how we can
adapt them to progress.

Self-awareness underpins all that Emotional Intelligence is about. You must be

aware of your habitual patterns and personal emotions if you are going to be able
to do anything about them. It is also true to say that if you cannot recognise your
own emotions you will be unlikely to spot them in others.
Exercise:

Revisit the list from your pre-course work and revise it based on the perspective
the input you have gained from others.

Now choose one strength from the list that you want to focus on building and
transfer this to the table below.

The strength that I would like to work on is confidence

The ways I prevent myself from fully utilising this strength are:

 Participate in class

 communication skills

 Competitions

One action I can take to remedy that is:

 I can practice communication skills with my friends and teacher.

Rating Your Self-Awareness

Complete the self rating scale below. This cannot be considered an objective
assessment of your own self-awareness. However, it does provide a thought
provoking chance to examine your own self-awareness and this will help to
increase it.

Exercise:
 1) I can explain my actions:

Almost never Rarely Never Sometimes Almost

always

2) Other people don’t see me as I see myself:

Almost never Rarely Never Sometimes Almost

always

3) I understand the feedback that others give me:

Almost never Rarely Never Sometimes Almost

always

4) I can describe accurately what I am feeling:

Almost never Rarely Never Sometimes Almost

always

5) Things that happen in my life make sense to me:

Almost never Rarely Never Sometimes Almost

always

By understanding the things that trigger our emotions we can learn to control
these emotions and work towards a more positive outcome in both our own
personal goals and in our interactions with others

Improving Your Self-Awareness

There are many ways to improve your self-awareness and sometimes it is simply
a case of being aware of your own emotions and how they might affect your
interaction with others. The following suggestions might also help.

Accept your emotions – Accept that the way you feel is the way you feel. There
is nothing productive in thinking to yourself, ‘I shouldn’t feel this way’. Accept that
this is the way you feel right now and work on ways to make you feel differently.
Appreciate your strengths and weaknesses – Don’t be scared to confront your
weaknesses. Being aware of what you are good at and what you are not so good
at will help you to make the most of situations and to develop areas where
needed.

Keep an emotional journal – Take some time out at the end of each day to
consider your interactions. You’ll be amazed at what you learn.

Listen to the message – Sometimes the emotional feeling that won’t go away is
trying to give you a message. Stop and listen to what it is trying to tell you, it may
be important!

Take a walk in their shoes – Try to see things from others point of view. How do
they perceive the situation and your role in it?

A valuable thing to remember is that you are not your emotions. Just because
you think, feel or even do something in a certain way, it doesn’t mean that this
defines you as a person. You always have the right of choice and to act in
anyway that you decide.

Activity – Values Checklist

Choose 8 – 10 values that are most important to you.

Personal Value Meaning

Accomplishment A sense of having done something well
Competence A feeling of being effective
Contentment Having peace of mind
Contribution Being part of and adding value to a larger
 enterprise
Creativity Being creative in some form or medium
Culture Taking an interest in art, music and literature
Economic Security Having a regular income
Enjoyment Having lots of fun and laughs 10
Esteem Making an impact and gaining admiration 9
Experience Having a lot of experience in the job
Fitness Keeping in good physical condition 7
Freedom/ Flexibility Having lots of different job opportunities
Friendship Having close friends at work 4
Honesty Being able to say what you think
Integrity Being able to act in accordance with own principles;
being clear and consistent in dealing with others
Perfectionism Never making mistakes
Personal Growth Continuing to learn
Popularity Being liked by most people 6
Power Having control and influence over others 1
Religion Having and practising strong religious beliefs
Security Freedom from anxiety about the future
Self Confidence Operating in a way which confirms the value of my
contribution
Stability Being part of a solid lasting enterprise, having a
predictable place
Status Having prestige and being looked up to 3
Strong Convictions Having firm principles
Taking Risk Having opportunities to speculate, gamble, take 5
chances
Teamwork Feeling part of an effective team
Technical Expertise Being at the forefront of technical development
Uniqueness Being a non-conformist
Wealth Making as much money as possible 2
Winning Being first in a competitive situation 8

Self-Management
We are consistently making decisions based on values. When they are
challenged or we perceive them to be in danger, our emotions will step to their
defence and this can sometimes make us become seemingly irrational,
particularly in the eyes of others, who may not appreciate or even understand our
value system.
Self-management is all about being able to think clearly and remain focused
even when you are experiencing strong emotions. In the earlier section, we
talked about self-awareness and this is critical if you are to be able to
successfully self-manage. You can only manage your emotions if you have
enough self-awareness to appreciate them in the first place.

Human beings are great story makers and will fill gaps in knowledge by
interpreting things according to our own emotions and beliefs.

When something happens, we have the true event, the facts of the situation. We
then take this information and interpret it via our values, beliefs and attitudes.
Often this will alter the true event and amounts to, ‘What we made it mean.’

Think back. How many times have you misinterpreted a situation and allowed
your emotions to provide conflicting information to the real event? This often
occurs because we don’t take time to ‘keep our emotions in check’ and will
respond or react immediately.

There is an alternative, which we call, ‘Living in the Gap’. This means taking the
time to re-assess the situation and not jump to conclusions based on how we
interpret things. This is a demonstration of self-management.

This method can make a huge difference to your life when used effectively. It can
be as basic as not hitting <ENTER> on that email that you are sending in
response to a seemingly rude one from your boss, or stopping for a breath and a
think before you hurl abuse at a colleague who’s said the wrong thing. There’s no
difficult process to it and no rules, just a simple method of managing those
emotions!

Exercise:

Review the picture on the following page. Contemplate a time when you have
interpreted things in your own way and in doing so created a difficult situation for
yourself. Then consider what you might have done to ‘live in the gap’ and create
a different outcome.
 Living in the Gap

How I could have

‘Lived in the Gap’

What What I Made

Happened it Mean
I had an exam on the same day my needed to go out so he did not ask me and it felt rude.
but the reason he did not ask me as he was thinking I will be studying for the exams.
 Exercise – Learning From Others
The best and worst Manager, Teacher, Colleague, Friend and Partner you ever
had!
Place their names in the appropriate box (if any names are too personal just
leave this blank)

Best Worst
Manager Manager
Teacher ( Dr. Meenakshi Tomar) Teacher
Colleague Colleague
Friend Friend
Partner Partner

Answer the following questions:

What made the best the best?

continuous guidance as well as support made them the best in my opinion.

What themes have you noticed?

Confidence leadership skills

How can you apply this to your own self-management?

I can learn to be more confident when speaking to a crowd.

What made the worst the worst?

communication skills

What themes have you noticed?

Communication skills

How can you apply this to your own self-management?

I want to improve my communication so that I can contribute more in group

activities.
 ‘Self – Talk’
It is important to realise that in business we have even more reason to be in
control of our emotions and not let personal feelings affect our working
relationships.

Highly emotional actions and behaviours rarely escape the attention of

colleagues, peers or employees and no matter how well you perform in your role,
it is often these actions that determine how you are perceived in the workplace.

There is a lot that can be learned from what we perceive in others to be positive
and negative traits. It’s worth also bearing in mind that others are making these
judgements of us all the time.

Of course, it’s not only other people that cause our emotions to alter. We can
also be our own worst enemy and allow personal ‘self talk’ to affect the way we
view the world and our place in it.

We all experience ‘self talk’, that is the voice inside us that determines our
actions and thoughts. This ‘self talk’ is usually made up from our belief about
things and when we allow it to become negative the effects can be damaging to
our confidence and ultimately our performance.

Exercise:

Consider an area of your life where your own negative self-talk might be
restricting your progress. In the space provided, change these negative self-talk
statements into positives.

The situation where my negative self-talk is restricting my progress:

During my spreadsheet paper I thought I could not finish the syllabus on

time, so I gave up studying for the paper

What these thoughts are:

Low self-confidence.

How I can reframe these thoughts to be positive:

Be more hardworking and have a focus on my studies.

 Methods of Improving Self-Management

Self-management is attained by being aware of your emotions and habitual

responses and understanding them to the degree that you have some control
over them. Over time you will increase your ability to pick up on the information
being provided to you and further increase your ability to self-manage. The
following suggestions might also help.

Choose your attitude

Remember, you always have the choice to act in any way you want to. You are
not controlled by your emotions and if you take time out to consider what the
rational way of acting is in any given situation, you will become more focused on
the positive aspects of your interactions.

Anchor your positive feelings

Think of the periods when you were really in control. Harness those positive
feelings and emotions and recall them in times when you feel less positive. This
will help you to overcome bad feelings.

Challenge negative ‘self-talk’

Every time you hear your negative ‘inner voice’ telling you that you can’t achieve
something or that you will fail, challenge it, ask yourself why you can’t achieve it
or why you will fail.

Have a positive mental attitude

When you have a positive mental attitude, you look at how things can be done
rather than why they can't be done. You believe that "where there's a will, there's
a way." You look at possibilities and opportunities rather than obstacles and
problems. This mindset is important for success in any endeavour.

Live life with an abundance mentality

People with an abundance mentality believe there are enough resources

available to accomplish their goals. They also believe that their success doesn't
mean failure for others. On the contrary, the more successful they are, the more
others are affected in a positive way. They can be happy when friends and
associates prosper. They can enter every business transaction with a "win/win"
attitude.
 Murphy's Plough
McGinty, a farmer, needed to plough his field before the dry spell set in, but his
own plough had broken. "I know, I'll ask my neighbour, farmer Murphy, to borrow
his plough. He's a good man; I'm sure he'll have done his ploughing by now and
he'll be glad to lend me his machine." So McGinty began to walk the three or four
fields to Murphy's farm.

After a field of walking, McGinty says to himself, "I hope that Murphy has finished
all his own ploughing or he'll not be able to lend me his machine..." Then after a
few more minutes of worrying and walking, McGinty says to himself, "And what if
Murphy's plough is old and on it's last legs - he'll never be wanting to lend it to
me will he?.."

And after another field, McGinty says, "Murphy was never a very helpful fellow, I
reckon maybe he won't be too keen to lend me his plough even if it's in perfect
working order and he's finished all his own ploughing weeks ago...."

As McGinty arrives at Murphy's farm, McGinty is thinking, "That old Murphy can
be a mean old fellow. I reckon even if he's got all his ploughing done, and his
own machine is sitting there doing nothing, he'll not lend it to me just so watch
me go to ruin..." McGinty walks up Murphy's front path, knocks on the door, and
Murphy answers. "Well good morning Mr McGinty, what can I do for you?" says
Murphy.

And McGinty says, with eyes bulging, "You can take your bloody plough, and you
can stick it up your bloody arse!"

What is your interpretation of what happened in the story?

How does this relate to real life situations?

What situations have you been in where you might have acted similarly?
How can you avoid this type of behaviour?

Motivation Towards Goals

Motivation in relation to emotional intelligence is the ability to gather up your
feelings and direct yourself towards a goal, despite any self-doubt, inertia or
impulsiveness you may feel.

Goals are important to the emotionally intelligent because they focus attention
and provide a clear path for success.

When developing self-motivation, this is a useful aide-memoire that helps you to

focus your attention on what exactly is happening at any given moment and
highlights where your attention is in relation to it. This practice, although very
simple, is potentially a very powerful tool in terms of keeping you focused on your
goals and self-motivation.

1) What is happening right now?

What am I doing right now?

What am I seeing, hearing and feeling right now?

What responses am I getting from others?

2) What do I want right now? What is my outcome?

3) How is what I am doing taking me closer to what I want?

Make a choice in response to this.

4) "I choose .........."

 Methods of Improving Motivation
Motivation is the ability to use your deepest emotions to move and guide you
towards your goals. This ability enables you to take the initiative and persevere in
the face of obstacles and setbacks. The following suggestions might also help.

Focus on what you want – If you’re finding it difficult to motivate yourself,

perhaps you are not doing what you want to do. Consider what you enjoy and
work towards that.

Also, if you focus on the negative aspect of what you don’t want and spend your
time moving away from the bad, you may find that you do not feel happy with
where you end up. The ‘away from’ motivator is useful to start with, but it is
directionless and you should choose a ‘toward’ motivator at the earliest
opportunity.

Set a date for your goal – This is crucial. Without a set date of achievement
your goal is left hanging and becomes a vague notional wish. Set a date, and if
you don’t quite make it, re-assess.

Make the goal compelling – If your goal is not attractive, then you are less likely
to work towards in a positive way.

Set milestones – If the goal seems overwhelming, break it down into milestones.
This will help you to achieve it by making it seem less daunting.

If it’s not a fun goal, focus on the end result – When your goal seems more of
a chore, but it simply must be done, target the end result rather than the drudgery
of the task. This way you can focus on the positive feeling of achieving the goal
rather than the pain of the task itself.
 Empathy
Empathy is described as the ability to identify with and understand another's
situation, feelings, and motives. This in turn helps us to respond to their emotions
in a way that is positive and meaningful. The ability to empathise with others is
important in all walks of life, but perhaps even more so in the business
environment as it can be the key to building and maintaining positive
relationships.

It is difficult to fully appreciate how empathic we are and often a person who
thinks they show great empathy will in fact come across as insincere. Where
possible, it is advisable to get feedback from others on our skills of empathy.
However, the following task should give you a rough idea.

Exercise:

1) My colleagues keep themselves to themselves:

Almost never Rarely Never Sometimes Almost

always

2) I get on well with each of my work colleagues:

Almost never Rarely Never Sometimes Almost

always

3) I find it easy to ‘read’ other people’s emotions:

Almost never Rarely Never Sometimes Almost

always

4) It’s unpredictable how my colleagues will feel in any given situation:

Almost never Rarely Never Sometimes Almost

always

5) People prefer to work with me in preference to equally talented colleagues:

 Almost never Rarely Never Sometimes Almost
always
Seek First to Understand, then to be Understood
In his book ‘The 7 habits of highly effective people’, Stephen Covey talks about
his 5th habit, ‘Seek first to understand, then to be understood’. He argues that in
all communication our first and most important task is to ensure that we
understand fully the needs of others, which will lead you to the first step in
achieving a win/win outcome in which both people end up happy.

The key to ‘seeking first to understand’ is to really listen to the person that you
are communicating with, suspending judgement and allowing them to relay their
true emotions and ideas. Basically, it’s seeing things from the other person’s
point of view before sharing your own and is often described as, ‘taking a walk in
their shoes’.

Exercise:

Think of a time when you ‘took a walk in someone’s shoes. What did the
experience feel like, what did you learn and how did it help?
Write your own interpretation of what it means to genuinely listen to and
empathise with somebody:

In the first semester when Hardik Pruthi failed in two subjects I made fun of him.
When in the next semester I got an “F” I realised how he must have felt, and I
regret what I back then.

Improving Your Empathy Skills

Be a Supportive Listener
  Acknowledge your acceptance of what the speaker is
saying
 Do not judge or criticise
 Do not signify agreement

Help the Speaker to Clarify Thoughts, Feelings, and Ideas

 Repeat what the other person says

 Paraphrase what you think the person really means.
 Share your perceptions of the situation
 Ask purposeful questions

Keep your Emotional Perspective

 Anticipate the other person’s emotional state

 Tune in to the other person’s behaviour
 Use instructive statements

Avoid Negative Body Language

 Arms behind head/leaning back

 Arms folded in front
 Body tense
 Fidgeting
 Hand on face
 Impatience
 Yawning

Use Positive Body Language

 Arms relaxed
 Gesture warmly and talk with hands
 Good eye contact
 Lean closer
 Nodding agreement
 Relaxed posture
 Smile and add humour

Rating Your Ability to Handle Relationships
Mastering the abilities of self-awareness, self-management, self-motivation and
empathy paves the way for attaining a greater skill in handling
relationships.Because it’s not enough that we simply be intelligent about our own
emotions; to be effective in our teams and organisations, we need to bring
theseskills together to become “socially intelligent.”

Thus, the fifth competency, handling relationships, is about interacting with

people successfully and being adept at managing emotions in others to bring
about higher levels of innovation and collaboration.

Exercise:

1) I encounter difficult people:

Almost never Rarely Never Sometimes Almost

always

2) I am comfortable talking to anyone:

Almost never Rarely Never Sometimes Almost

always

3) People usually come around to my point of view:

Almost never Rarely Never Sometimes Almost

always

4) I feel uncomfortable when other people become emotional:

Almost never Rarely Never Sometimes Almost

always

5) I suffer fools gladly:

Almost never Rarely Never Sometimes Almost

always
Examples of Emotional Intelligence
Review the following examples of emotional intelligence.
Marjorie Scardino – CEO Pearson Plc

Recognising the effect that the terrible events of September 11 would have on
people everywhere she sent the following email on September 12. Sixty four
Pearson staff were in the Twin Towers on that day.

Dear Everyone

I want to make sure you know that our priority is that you are safe and sound in
body and mind. Be guided by what you and your families need right now. There
is no meeting you must go to and no plane you have to get on if you don’t feel
comfortable doing it. For now, look to yourselves and your families, and to
Pearson to help you in any way we can.

Marjorie

1) What underlying message is being conveyed in this email?

2) Where is the emotional intelligence being displayed?

Richard Branson (CEO Virgin Group) in an address to the Institute of

Directors in 1993

“We have three priorities in our company. The first is people, the second is
customers and the third is shareholders. If we get the first right the second
follows. And if we get the second right the third follows. Sadly, the majority of
western companies have the inverse of these priorities.”

1) What underlying message is being conveyed in this statement?

2) Where is the emotional intelligence being displayed?

Improving Your Relationship Handling Skills

Know what you want from your interaction

Always ensure that you have an outcome in mind when you interact with
someone. That way it is easier to identify when you have achieved it.

Allow others to have emotions

If you can learn to accept and deal with your own emotions, then you should be
able to do this for others. Remember, we are all doing the best we can with the
resources we have.

Build rapport

Try to subtly match the posture, body language, voice tone and pace of the other
person. This is a key skill – consider what happens with your body language
when you are with someone you like.

Talk their language

Use words that appeal to that individual. ‘Visual’ people use words like ‘see the
big picture’ whereas ‘Auditory’ people might ‘like the sound of that’. Even if you
find it hard to follow this principle, consider the type of language others use and
work with it.

Aim for a win/win

Ensure that both people leave satisfied from your discussions. The aim is not to
‘beat’ the other person, but to end with a ‘wise outcome’ where both people are
happy and will work together again.
 Suggestions for Emotional Intelligence

"I feel impatient." vs. "This is ridiculous."

Label your feelings, rather than "I feel hurt and bitter". vs. "You’re a jerk."
labelling people or situations. "I feel afraid." vs. "You’re driving like an idiot."

Distinguish between thoughts Thoughts: I feel like & I feel as if & I feel that
and feelings. Feelings: I feel: (feeling word)

Take more responsibility for

"I feel jealous." vs. "You’re making me jealous."
your feelings.

Use your feelings to help them "How will I feel if I do this?" "How will I feel if I
make decisions. don't"

Show respect for other Ask "How will you feel if I do this?" "How will you
people's feelings. feel if I don't."

Use what others call "anger" to help feel

Feel energised, not angry.
energised to take productive action.

Validate other people's Show empathy, understanding, and acceptance

feelings. of other people's feelings.

Ask yourself: "How do I feel?" and "What would

Practice getting a positive help me feel better?"
value from their and your own Ask others "How do you feel?" and "What would
emotions. help you feel better?"

Don't advise, command,

control, criticise, judge or
lecture to others.
Avoid people who invalidate
you.
Listen with empathy and non-judgment.
While this is not always possible, at least try to
spend less time with them, or give them
psychological power over you.
The Stoic: 9 Principles to Help You Keep Calm in Chaos
The principles within Stoicism are, perhaps, the most relevant and practical sets
of rules for leaders. The Stoics focus on two things:

1. How can we lead a fulfilling, happy life?

2. How can we become better human beings?

The goal of Stoicism is to attain inner peace by overcoming adversity, practicing

self-control, being conscious of our impulses, realising our ephemeral nature and
the short time allotted—these were all meditative practices that helped them live
with their nature and not against it. It’s important that we understand the
obstacles that we face and not run from them.

Our guides to Stoicism today will be its three renowned leaders: Epictetus,
Marcus Aurelius, and Seneca.

Epictetus was born a slave at about A.D. 55 in Hierapolis, Phrygia, located in the
eastern borders of the Roman Empire. Early in his life he had a passion for
philosophy, and with permission from his owner, he studied Stoic philosophy
under the master Gaius Musonius Rufus. After Nero’s death—the fifth Roman
emperor who ruled with tyranny and cruelty—Epictetus began to teach
philosophy in Rome and then later in Greece where he founded a philosophical
school teaching Stoicism—among his students was the future emperor of Rome,
Marcus Aurelius.

Marcus Aurelius was born in A.D. 121, considered one of the greatest Roman
emperors to have ever lived, and wrote in his journal during the dull moments of
a war campaign. In his journal, which inadvertently became the book Meditations,
served as reminders for Stoic principles that focused on humility, self-awareness,
service, death, nature, and more.

Seneca was also a Roman Stoic philosopher, statesman, a tutor and advisor to
Nero. His work involves dozens of essays and 124 letters that involve topics like
education, friendship, civil duty, moral obligation, humility, self-awareness, self-
denial, and more. He had many admirers like Montaigne, Tom Wolfe, Emerson,
and John Stuart Mill.

Without a philosophy to guide our work and life, we will relentlessly succumb to
our excuses and distractions. We will make the comfortable mistake of acting on
our moods (“I’m just not feeling it today”) and not on our principles.
1. Acknowledge that all emotions come from within

“Today I escaped anxiety. Or no, I discarded it, because it was within me, in my
own perceptions — not outside.” — Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

2. Find someone you respect, and use them to stay honest

“Choose someone whose way of life as well as words, and whose very face as
mirroring the character that lies behind it, have won your approval. Be always
pointing him out to yourself either as your guardian or as your model. This is a
need, in my view, for someone as a standard against which our characters can
measure themselves. Without a ruler to do it against you won’t make the crooked
straight.” —Seneca, Letters from a Stoic

3. Recognise there is life after failure 

“Does what’s happened keep you from acting with justice, generosity, self-
control, sanity, prudence, honesty, humility, straightforwardness, and all other
qualities that allow a person’s nature to fulfil itself? So, remember this principle
when something threatens to cause you pain: the thing itself was no misfortune
at all; to endure it and prevail is great good fortune.” — Marcus Aurelius,
Meditations

4. Read purposefully, and apply your knowledge

“Don’t just say you have read books. Show that through them you have learned
to think better, to be a more discriminating and reflective person. Books are the
training weights of the mind. They are very helpful, but it would be a bad mistake
to suppose that one has made progress simply by having internalized their
contents.” — Epictetus, The Art of Living 

5. Challenge yourself to be brutally honest

“‘A consciousness of wrongdoing is the first step to salvation.’ This remark of

Epicurus’ is to me a very good one. For a person who is not aware that he is
doing anything wrong has no desire to be put right. You have to catch yourself
doing it before you can reform. Some people boast about their failings: can you
imagine someone who counts his faults as merits ever giving thought to their
cure? So—to the best of your ability—demonstrate your own guilt, conduct
inquiries of your own into all the evidence against yourself. Play the first part of
prosecutor, then of judge and finally of pleader in mitigation. Be harsh with
yourself at times.” — Seneca, Letters From a Stoic
6. Reflect on what you spend the most time on 

“A key point to bear in mind: The value of attentiveness varies in proportion to its
object. You’re better off not giving the small things more time than they deserve.”
— Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

7. Remind yourself: you weren’t meant to procrastinate.

Whenever I have trouble waking up or getting started, I read this passage:

“At dawn, when you have trouble getting out of bed, tell yourself: ‘I have to go to
work—as a human being. What do I have to complain of, if I’m going to do what I
was born for—the things I was brought into the world to do? Or is this what I was
created for? To huddle under the blankets and stay warm?

—But it’s nicer here…

So, you were born to feel ‘nice’? Instead of doings things and experiencing
them? Don’t you see the plants, the birds, the ants and spiders and bees going
about their individual tasks, putting the world in order, as best they can? And
you’re not willing to do your job as a human being? Why aren’t you running to do
what your nature demands? 

—But we have to sleep sometime…

Agreed. But nature set a limit on that—as it did on eating and drinking. And
you’re over the limit. You’ve had more than enough of that. But not of working.
There you’re still below your quota. You don’t love yourself enough. Or you’d
love your nature too, and what it demands of you. People who love what they do
wear themselves down doing it, they even forget to wash or eat. Do you have
less respect for your own nature than the engraver does for engraving, the
dancer for dance, the miser for money or the social climber for status? When
they’re really possessed by what they do, they’d rather stop eating and sleeping
than give up practicing their arts.” — Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

8. Put the phone away and be present

“Nothing, to my way of thinking, is a better proof of a well-ordered mind than a

man’s ability to stop just where he is and pass some time in his own company.”
— Seneca, Letters From a Stoic
9. Remind yourself that time is our most precious resource

“Not to live as if you had endless years ahead of you. Death overshadows you.
While you’re alive and able — be good.” — Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 

By Paul Jun

Paul Jun is a writer and author. His latest book, Connect the Dots: Strategies and
Meditations on Self-education, is available. His blog, Motivated Mastery, is where
he connects the dots between subjects like mastery, philosophy, psychology,
culture, self-awareness, and more.
Mentally Strong People: The 13 Things They Avoid

For all the time executives spend concerned about physical strength and health,
when it comes down to it, mental strength can mean even more. Particularly for
leaders, numerous articles talk about critical characteristics of mental strength—
tenacity, “grit,” optimism, and an unfailing ability as Forbes contributor David
Williams says, to “fail up.”

1.    Waste Time Feeling Sorry for Themselves. You don’t see mentally strong
people feeling sorry for their circumstances or dwelling on the way they’ve been
mistreated. They have learned to take responsibility for their actions and
outcomes, and they have an inherent understanding of the fact that frequently life
is not fair. They are able to emerge from trying circumstances with self-
awareness and gratitude for the lessons learned. When a situation turns out
badly, they respond with phrases such as “Oh, well.” Or perhaps simply, “Next!”

2. Give Away Their Power. Mentally strong people avoid giving others the
power to make them feel inferior or bad. They understand they are in control of
their actions and emotions. They know their strength is in their ability to manage
the way they respond.

3.    Shy Away from Change. Mentally strong people embrace change and they
welcome challenge. Their biggest “fear,” if they have one, is not of the unknown,
but of becoming complacent and stagnant. An environment of change and even
uncertainty can energize a mentally strong person and bring out their best.

4. Waste Energy on Things They Can’t Control. Mentally strong people don’t
complain (much) about bad traffic, lost luggage, or especially about other people,
as they recognize that these factors are generally beyond their control. In a bad
situation, they recognize that the one thing they can always control is their own
response and attitude, and they use these attributes well.

5. Worry About Pleasing Others. Know any people pleasers? Or, conversely,
people who go out of their way to dis-please others as a way of reinforcing an
image of strength? Neither position is a good one. A mentally strong person
strives to be kind and fair and to please others where appropriate, but is unafraid
to speak up. They can withstand the possibility that someone will get upset and
will navigate the situation, wherever possible, with grace. It takes much practice
to hone mental strength

6. Fear Taking Calculated Risks. A mentally strong person is willing to take

calculated risks. This is a different thing entirely than jumping headlong into
foolish risks. But with mental strength, an individual can weigh the risks and
benefits thoroughly, and will fully assess the potential downsides and even the
worst-case scenarios before they act.

7. Dwell on the Past. There is strength in acknowledging the past and especially
in acknowledging the things learned from past experiences—but a mentally
strong person can avoid miring their mental energy in past disappointments or in
fantasies of the “glory days” gone by. They invest most their energy in creating
an optimal present and future.

8. Make the Same Mistakes Over and Over. We all know the definition of
insanity, right? It’s when we take the same actions again and again while hoping
for a different and better outcome than we’ve gotten before. A mentally strong
person accepts full responsibility for past behaviour and is willing to learn from
mistakes. Research shows that the ability to be self-reflective in an accurate and
productive way is one of the greatest strengths of spectacularly successful
executives and entrepreneurs.

9. Resent Other People’s Success. It takes strength of character to feel

genuine joy and excitement for other people’s success. Mentally strong people
have this ability. They don’t become jealous or resentful when others succeed
(although they may take close notes on what the individual did well). They are
willing to work hard for their own chances at success, without relying on
shortcuts.

10. Give Up After Failure. Every failure is a chance to improve. Even the
greatest leaders are willing to admit that their early efforts invariably brought
many failures. Mentally strong people are willing to fail again and again, if
necessary, as long as the learning experience from every “failure” can bring them
closer to their ultimate goals.

11. Fear Alone Time. Mentally strong people enjoy and even treasure the time
they spend alone. They use their downtime to reflect, to plan, and to be
productive. Most importantly, they don’t depend on others to shore up their
happiness and moods. They can be happy with others, and they can also be
happy alone.

12. Feel the World Owes Them Anything. Particularly in the current economy,
executives and employees at every level are gaining the realization that the world
does not owe them a salary, a benefits package and a comfortable life,
regardless of their preparation and schooling. Mentally strong people enter the
world prepared to work and succeed on their merits, at every stage of the game.

13. Expect Immediate Results. Whether it’s a workout plan, a nutritional

regimen, or starting a business, mentally strong people are “in it for the long
haul”. They know better than to expect immediate results. They apply their
energy and time in measured doses and they celebrate each milestone and
increment of success on the way. They have “staying power.” And they
understand that genuine changes take time.

Do you have mental strength? Are there elements on this list you need more of?

With thanks to Amy Morin

Amy Morin is a licensed clinical social worker and writer.