SOME OF MY FAVOURITE JOKES (various sources)

Even if youve heard them before theyre still great for a(nother) laugh!

SOME OF MY FAVOURITE JOKES

A duck goes into a grocery shop and asks: "Have you got any matches?" The grocer says: "No." The duck goes back three times, and every time the grocer says the same. The fourth time the duck asks, the owner says: "Look. If you come in here one more time and say that, I'm going to nail your beak to the counter." The next day the duck goes in the shop again and asks: "Have you got any nails?" "No," the grocer replies. "OK," says the duck. "Got any matches?" .

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (Written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. - Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they're rich. - Pam, age 7 The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - Curt, age 7 The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Ricky, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. - Kelvin, age 10

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CHILDREN'S PROVERBS

(Dont know how true this is but hilarious anyway!)

A Primary School teacher had twenty-six children in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a wellknown proverb and asked them to come up with second part of the proverb. These were their responses:

1.

until they stop running. Strike while the

Don't change horses

2.

wasp is close.

3.

Daylight Saving Time..

It's always darkest before

4.

termites.

Never underestimate the power of

5.

How?

You can lead a horse to water but

6.

looks dirty. No news is

Don't bite the hand that

7.

impossible A miss is as good as a

8.

Mr.

9.

You can't teach an old dog new Maths

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust me.

12. The pen is mightier than the pigs.

13. An idle mind is

the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's pollution.

15. Happy the bride who

gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is not much.

17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder .

21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.

25. A bird in the hand

is going to poop on you.

26. Better late than Pregnant.

LABOUR PAINS

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested, both said they were very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.

LAST CHANCE SALOON

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, Im not wasting two of my girls on them. they won't know the difference.' The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says, 'You know, I think my girl was dead!' 'Dead?' says his friend, 'why do you say that? ''Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.' His friend says, 'Could be worse; I think mine was a witch.' 'A witch ??. . . Why the hell would you say that?' 'Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window... taking my teeth with her.'

GENEALOGY

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made.' Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.' The confused girl returned to her mother and said, Mom how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?' The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.

SEXUAL HEALING Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, 'I can cure this.' That said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, 'This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!' The guy then asks, 'What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?' The medicine man replies: 'All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned--it will not work again for another year!' Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic aftershave. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, '123.' He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... just as the medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, 'What did you say 123 for?'

WHO HAS THE BEST MEMORY?

Three guys are debating who has the best memory. First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my First Grade class." Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!" Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother."