The Davidsonian The Real Perspectives Section Wednesday, November 12, 2008 13

mathlete strains
frontal lobe; out
for 2-3 seminars
See page 7

McCain is a good man, and Obama is also a great man. November 12, 2008 The Davidsonian

Toga Party Lands Bro Perseveres Through Dance Getting Over Grad
Classics Dept. On Ensemble Without the Use of School Workshop
Social Probation THE UNION - Too depressing-

CHAMBERS LAWN - Clas-

sics Pofessor Michael K. Touma-
sophomore girl
zou has been charged with holding
shows her naked an unregistered Toga Party, serv-
ing fermented honey and water to
ambition to be untenured faculty and violating
Chambers noise decibal levels with
pika sweetheart the sonorous strains of his lyre.
See page 2
even more lead-
less nubby pencils
at the union cafe:
are they the
answer?
See page 4
Released from his holding cell
this morning, Toumazou, a legend
in his native Cyprus, told report-
ers, “We were only have a standard
Wednesday night bacchinal wor-
ship of Dionysis. There weren’t
even any sacrifices.”
Said campus police officer
Haynes: “This isn’t Parnassus. We
have rules here. You can’t just have
an unregistered symposium and
expect to get away with it. Plato
would have banished you from the
Republic.”
new volleyball
Hey Paperclp from Mircosft Word, Go deep!
fundraiser: kill So this is do in 15 minuets and Im throwing up a hale-marie.
for the cure When it coms to the profread-
ing game I gues I throw hale-
See page 8 marys. At Davison, I say F-7! I
still half to priint this form my
computre I jsut don’t have time
for that isht.
Yes, Im an expereienced junior
here at Davidson Collage. But Ive
Your Davidson Honor Section
Editors:
Dan Killian
Alex Hoyt
Oh isht, I hav no idae why I didnt
Contributors:
plan thisout ahed fo time.
Brett Chikowski
Peter Bruton (we forgot probalby ben critiscized fity times
him the other week) for my inatention to dtail due to
Note: The Yowl is a satirical supple- all teh resaerch wedo, and my vra-
ment to The Davidsonian. Hence, sity sprot, ect. ect. ect…
nothing in it should be taken as
truth. Word.
Everytime my profesor gose to
tht “Speling and Grammer Check”
button he toldme ha halve-expects
Performance-Enhancing Drugs ing the motivation
ly average for Harvard Law? Lack-
In a phenomenal feat of endur-
ance, iron man Andrew Bivens ’10
retained consciousness through-
out not one, but two entire Dance
Ensemble performances. Immedi-
ately after the second show he was
rushed to Lake Norman Hospital,
where doctors pushed intravenous
fluids in an attempt to avoid perma-
nent kidney damage.
Andrew Bivens ’10 is carted away for blood and urine tests after a gruel-
ing, two-hour performance Friday and Saturday Night.
The following day nurses tested
his blood and urine for such perfor-
mance enhancing drugs as smell-
ing salts, Red Bull, amphetamines
and EPO. Shockingly, all tests
came back negative.
When asked in a post-game
press conference how he trained for
this event, Bivens said, “Obviously
I practiced all the traditional meth-
ods like watching Broadway musi-
cals and “Fosse,” but I think what
to find my name under “Tools”
too. He wrot on my paper, “Your
like Sarah Palen intervewing with
Catie Kuric. Physicallly your
there, but yud have a better shot
at getting this right if you frozen
salmon-smacked yourslef across
the face and word vometed until
your dry-heaving all remaneing
verbul opstions. Your lost in this
dicktion traffic and its always rush
hour. The sguiggely lines below
everyother word are yeild signs
but your breakes are broken.”
Blha, Blha, Blha.
So when it looks like Ive gone
in myslef and colorfuly confettied
the hell out of the underside of
everyword in my esay, no, I dindt
do it on porpuse for affect. Your
the one with the prblem and its
becasue I was tryign to meet your
ridiculos daedline, but unfortunat-
ley couldtn because my othr pro-
fesor sucks too. So go tell all your
cow-orkers, you win, I loose.
for Kennan-
really put me ahead of the competi-
tion was the extra tape sessions of
Olympic ribbon dancing.”
On Dec. 7 The National Orga-
nization for Women (NOW) will be
celebrating Bivens’s achievements
by presenting him with a certificate
of achievement for “unparalleled
courage and endurance in the face
of social norms and the understand-
able desire to pass the hell out dur-
ing extremely contrived and poorly
choreographed dance routines.”
Unfortunately there are no
credible witnesses that can attest to
Andrew’s accomplishment because
all the other males that went to the
show don’t remember anything
past the first piece, which is widely
accepted as the traditional time to
nod off.
Matthew McConaughey:
How He Fought the Urge
To Rip Off His Shirt In
Every Televised Interview
After two arrests and three stints
in rehab, “Failure to Launch” star
Matthew McConaughey is finally
coming to terms with his violent
desire to exhibit his pectorals at
every opportunity. “It hasn’t been
easy stayin’ clothed, but we’re
gunna get through this thang,” said
the star.
Flagler? Too many misdemeanors
for Duke Divinity? Not everyone
can get into a top tier graduate pro-
gram, and with your mediocre GPA,
oddly formatted resume, lukewarm
recommendation letters and limp
handshake, you too are likely ear-
marked for rejection.
Don’t worry. Career Services
has just the workshop for you.
Tuesday evening they will host Da-
vidson’s first workshop on how to
cope with your inevitable rejection
from the graduate program of your
choice, and how to live with the
probability that you will get your
MBA from a third-rate Indiana
commuter school.
So you got a seven on your
GRE. No biggie. With an array of
tissues, medicine balls and Chicken
Soup for the Mediocre Soul therapy
books, the Career Services office is
ready to prepare you for your im-
manent lack of a career.
Some of you may still be fo-
cused on the Getting Into Grad
School Workshop. That’s okay. It’s
only natural that the first stage of
your mediocre career should be de-
nial. Congrats, you picked David-
son and now you’re paying for it.
‘Grow-a-SAAC’
Campaign Drops
the Ball. . . Again
To no one’s suprise, the SAAC race
was yet again poorly attended.
The Student Athlete Advisory
Committee has expressed disap-
pointment in its inability to expand
its campus representation through
its “Grow-a-SAAC” campaign.
“I don’t think students fully re-
alize the potency of a fully loaded
SAAC,” Jeremy Wilkins said. “A
mature SAAC would help David-
son obliterate Furman, UNCG and
other SoCon schools.”
The SAAC has been shriveling
since last winter’s frigid lack of par-
ticipation. However, by expanding
representation to two members per
varsity team, the SAAC hopes to
revitalize participation through its
new “Grow-a-Pair” initiative.