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Sci-Math Humour PDF
Sci-Math Humour PDF
PDF Created
By
Gautam G Soman
For
NeuralNet
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/neuraldtnet
1. Chemistry
2. Physics
3. Mathematics
4. Scientists & Mathematicians
5. Anecdotes About Great Minds
Pages 03-14
Pages 15- 25
Pages 26- 37
Pages 38- 50
Pages 51- 60
-2-
CHEMISTRY
Chemical Dictionary
THE LAST WORD
The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary
Activation Energy: The useful quantity of energy available in one cup of coffee.
Bunsen Burner: A device invented by Robert Bunsen (1811-1899) for brewing
coffee in the laboratory, thereby enabling the chemist to be poisoned without
having to go all the way to the company cafeteria.
Butyl: An unpleasant-sounding word denoting an unpleasant-smelling alcohol.
Chemical: A substance that:
1) An organic chemist turns into a foul odor;
2) an analytical chemist turns into a procedure;
3) a physical chemist turns into a straight line;
4) a biochemist turns into a helix;
5) a chemical engineer turns into a profit.
Chemical Engineering: The practice of doing for a profit what an organic chemist
only does for fun.
Clinical Testing: The use of humans as guinea pigs. (See also PHARMACOLOGY
and TOXICOLOGY)
Computer Resources: The major item of any budget, allowing for the acquisition
of any capital equipment that is obsolete before the purchase request is released.
Evaporation Allowance: The volume of alcohol that the graduate students can
drink in a year's time.
Exhaustive Methylation: A marathon event in which the participants methylate
until they drop from exhaustion.
Flame Test: Trial by fire.
Inorganic Chemistry: That which is left over after the organic, analytical, and
physical chemists get through picking over the periodic table.
Natural Product: A substance that earns organic chemists fame and glory when
they manage to systhesize it with great difficulty, while Nature gets no credit for
making it with great ease.
Organic Chemistry: The practice of transmuting vile substances into publications.
-3-
-4-
Q: What weapon can you make from the Chemicals Potassium, Nickel and Iron?
A: KNiFe.
"Welcome to Entropy Burgers -- may I take your order?"
"I put in disorder a long time ago. The service here is getting worse all the time."
"My experience Gibbs me reason to believe you."
"I know the waitress who asked that, too. Her name's Ellen Omega. She really
made me thermally dynamic. So, I asked her out. I tell you, when she don't like
you, she really Boltz, man. Women like that are never distributed normally
among the population."
"What kind of Poisson would say something like this?"
-----------------------------------------------------These were printed on bumper stickers and given out at an American Chemical
Society meeting 10 or 12 years ago:
It takes alkynes to make a world.
-----------------------------------------Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her husband and
screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my joules!"
"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux a
moment. Perhaps they're mislead."
"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them in my
burette ... We must call a copper."
Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms, said the
outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name of Lawrence Ium.
"We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and dangerous. His
girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can catch him there." With
that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an activated state and sped off along the
reaction pathway ...
-- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------And why does a white bear melt in water?
Because it's polar.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------One of my T-shirts has the symbols:
C Ho Co La Te
"Better living through Chemistry"
----------------------------------------------------------------------Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. -- Mike Adams
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-5-
-6-
-7-
-8-
-9-
methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutami
nylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolylphenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanylglycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylalanylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylglutaminylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylglycylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionylleucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleucylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylvalylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyrosylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleucylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphenylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylalanylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylaspartylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosylglycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycylvalylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleucylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparaginylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylserylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanylglycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalyllysylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylprolylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalylglutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.:
The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a
1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids.
-- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and
----------------------------------------------------------------This was a story told to us by our chemistry master at school. A female student
wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution (aqueous) and decided to
throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water. Her professor observed
what she was about to do, out of the corner of his eye and hurried towards her,
and after confirming this was what she was intending to do, asked her first to stir
the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the potassium. She was
puzzled and ran after him to ask the purpose of this action.
'It will give me time to get away' said the professor.
------------------------------------------------------------Why did the chicken cross the road?
According to Le Chatelier:
The chicken crossed the road because there were too many moles of chicken
on the reactants side of the road equilibrium.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
- 10 -
- 11 -
- 12 -
4. A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender: " How much for a beer?"
The bartender looks at him and says: "For you, it's no charge".
5. Why did the white bear dissolve in water?
- Because it was polar.
6. What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
- A one molar solution.
7. What do dipoles say in passing?
- Have you got a moment?
9. What do you do with a dead chemist?
- Barium
10. What weapon can you make from the elements potassium, nickel and iron?
- A KNiFe.
12. What happens when electrons lose their energy?
- They get Bohr'd.
13. What did one titration tell the other?
- Let's meet at the endpoint.
14. Why are chemists great for solving problems?
- They have all the solutions.
15. Do you know what happened to the chemist who was reading a book about
Helium?
- He just couldn't put it down.
16. A florence flask was getting dressed for the opera. All of a sudden she
screamed: "Erlenmeyer, my joules! Somebody has stolen my joules!". The
husband replied: "Take it easy honey, do not overreact. We'll find a solution".
17. Why do chemistry
- Because it's basic stuff.
professors
like
to
teach
about
ammonia?
- 13 -
- 14 -
PHYSICS
My friend once saw a question like this on his physics final: How would you use a
baramoter to find the height of a building.
1. Find someone who knows how tall the building is, and trade him the barometer
for the information.< teacher rejects: not a property characteristic of the
barometer>
2. Measure the height of the barometer. Scale the side of the building, measuring
its height in barometer-units.< rejected: uses no basic scientific principles>
3. Drop the barometer from the top of the building. Measure the time until it hits
the street. Correcting for the mass/surface ratio of the instrument, use basic
acceleration equation to find the height.< rejected: barometer is no longer a
barometer>
4. Tie string to top of barometer. Lower from roof to almost ground. Swing.
Period of pendulum can be used to find distance from barometer's Center of
Gravity to top of building. Add displacement from CG to bottom of barometer;
this is height.< rejected: does not incorporate barometer's intended function>
5. Take the barometer outside on a sunny day, measure its shadow and the
buildings shadow.< rejected: cloudy today>
6. Sell the barometer. Purchase a tape measure long enough to measure the
height of the building.< rejected: this is not a business course.>
7. Give the barometer as a prize to the one who comes up with the most accurate
measurement of the building's height.< rejected: you have to return the
barometer after you finish.>
8. Measure the barometric pressure at the top and bottom of the building. Plug
these into the equation in the book and spit out the answer.< accepted: Finally,
what the teacher wanted.>
Time
My Extra Second
Well, folks, we get an extra second today at 7 P.M.. CST (USA) on July 1, 1994.
What are YOU going to do with all this extra time on your hands? Personally, I've
decided to save mine. I figure if I live at least 60 years, that gives me one extra
minute. I'm asking God to give me that one saved-up minute on my death bed
when they all think I've finally croaked to raise back up and get that one last word
in edgewise! BO10@UTMARTN.BITNET or asanders@utm.edu
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Time Travel Seminar
To whom it may concern,
There will be a seminar given on the subject of time travel in the 21st century.
It will be held on Thursday, January 1, 1920 at 12:00:01AM.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
- 15 -
- 16 -
Lasers
Today, thanks to men like Edison and Franklin, and frogs like Galvini's, we
receive almost unlimited benefits from electricity. For example, in the past
decade scientists developed the laser, an electronic appliance that emits a beam
of light so powerful that it can vaporize a bulldozer two thousand yards away, yet
so precise that doctors can use it to perform delicate operations on the human
eyeball, provided they remember to change the power setting from "VAPORIZE
BULLDOZER" to "DELICATE." ... also from the book Bad Habits by Dave Barry
(it's superb).
Why The Sky Is Blue
By John Ciardi
I don't suppose you happen to know
Why the sky is blue? It's because the snow
Takes out the white. That leaves it clean
For the trees and grass to take out the green.
Then pears and bananas start to mellow,
And bit by bit they take out the yellow.
The sunsets, of course, take out the red
And pour it into the ocean bed
Or behind the mountains in the west.
You take all that out and the rest
Couldn't be anything else but blue.
Look for yourself. You can see it's true.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------Sun Light
That reminds me of an exchange which I observed back then, at the University of
Arizona. A couple were walking across campus just ahead of me. As we passed the
newly sodded area around a recently completed building, the coed commented
about how fast the grass was growing.
"Yes," nodded her date knowingly, "that's because of the extra hour of daylight it
gets."
"Oooh," she said, as her eyes widened and she gave this paragon of wisdom an
admiring glance. Bob Terry RATerry@SAUmag.edu
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Snail Humor
When a snail crossed the road, he was run over by a turtle. Regaining
consciousness in the emergency room, he was asked what caused the accident. "I
really can't remember," the snail replied. "You see, it all happened so fast."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
- 17 -
Electricity :
Hamster Power: 42 ways to get electric power from hamsters
1. Ignite in large numbers. Use heat released to drive steam turbine.
2. Kidnap and threaten to torture. Extort ransom from animal-rights activists and
other anti-cruelty types: demand payment in the form of electric current.
3. Drop hamsters from great heights. Use like turbine to generate electricity.
4. Drop large numbers of hamsters into tar pit, wait a few million years, drill for
crude oil at same location to run electric turbine.
5. Convince hamsters they're really lemmings. Show cliff to hamsters. Install
turbine halfway down cliff.
7. Densely pack hamsters into flywheel shape. Spin rapidly. Attach generator.
8. Put hamster on electricity-generating treadmill. Feed back small portion of
generated electricity into hamster brain pleasure center. Watch him generate his
little heart out!
9. Seal large quantity of hamsters in air tight holding tanks. Add water. Allow
suitable time to pass for decomposition. Collect methane gas resulting. Put gas in
fuel cells.
10. Smush mucho hamsters in a trough, use the drippings/blood to run a
waterwheel for hydroelectric power.
12. Skin hamster. Melt animal fat into tallow and then form candles. Heat steam
turbine.
13. Switch hamsters for P6 chips coming of Intel assembly lines. Saved electricity
will be enormous. Cover performance loss by releasing new version of Windows
NT at the same time. -gwh
14. (This is, undoubtedly, the way to get the most power from them) Combine the
hamster with an equal mass of antimatter -- a anti-hamster if you will. Then
harness the massive energy release for power....
15. Mail the electric company a dead hamster every day until they give you power
for free.
16. Take thousands of hamsters into orbit -- when the orbit decays, they will heat
up the atmosphere. With enough hamsters, you could raise the planets
temperature as much as you want.
17. Pull the hamster out of root@soda's ass. Then when they turn red &
embarrassed, use the heat from their red face to drive a Carnot engine.
18. Emmass enormous quantities of hamsters until it reaches enough mass to
begin hamster fusion in the core. Use solar cells to convert radiation to electricity.
19. Throw in more hamsters to (above) until the hamster star goes supernova...
you couldn't want any more energy than that...
20. Repeat with another mass of hamsters... spin the resulting neutron-hamsters
around each other in a binary orbit... use gravity waves to rotate hydro-turbine.
21. Give them little magnetic collars, and run them through a maze of coiled
wires.
22. Reduce hamster to their component atoms. Compress the resulting plasma
until it fuses. Transfer the released energy via heat/engine or energy conversion
scheme of your choice. -ERic
23. Drop hamster into black hole. Use photovoltaics to release the radiated
energy.
- 18 -
Simple Experiment
Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical lesson: On
a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your hand into a friend's
mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you notice how your friend
twitched violently and cried out in pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a
very powerful force, but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to
learn an important electrical lesson. Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
Electrical Circuit
It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed your feet, you
picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects that carpet
manufacturers weave into carpets so they will attract dirt. The electrons travel
through your bloodstream an collect in your finger, where they form a spark that
leaps to your friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the
carpet, thus completing the circuit. Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
Amazing Fact
If you scuffed your feet long enough without touching anything, you would build
up so many electrons that your finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry
about unless you have carpeting. Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
Electrons
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles, called electrons, that
you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. Electrons
travel at the speed of light, which in most American homes is 110 volts per hour.
This is very fast. In the time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an
electron could have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New
Jersey, although God alone knows why it would want to. Dave Barry, "The
Taming of the Screw"
Current
The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, direct current, lightning,
static, and European. Most American homes have alternating current, which
means that the electricity goes in one direction for a while, then goes in the other
direction. This prevents harmful electron buildup in the wires. Dave Barry, "The
Taming of the Screw"
Electronics
A friend of mine has a theory about things electronic- they operate on smoke. It is
very important for each component to have the correct amount of smoke, which
is sealed inside at the factory. If this smoke ever gets out, the part is no longer
functional. This is true- how many times have you ever seen an electrical or
electronic device work right after smoke has been emitted?
- 19 -
Relativity
I was going how fast???
Let us assume that you get a car that can travel the speed of light and you begin to
unravel these age old mysteries... WHEN SUDDENLY... You are faced with an
even more dreadful question
If you're driving at the speed of light and get pulled over by an Oakwood Taxicop... What kind of fine are you gonna pay?? And believe me you are gonna pay...
He ain't gonna buy the line..
"669,600,000 mph!! That's impossible, my car shimmies at 500,000,000 mph!"
And he ain't gonna take the excuse that you didn't realize how fast you were
going... "Didn't you notice the Blue Shift ,son."
After doing some research (No, I did not recently get a ticket) I found that the fair
city of Oakwood charges $1 for every 1 mph over the speed limit. So if you were
pulled over for doing 669,600,000 in a 35 zone you would be charged
$669,599,965 + a $33 court fee = $669,599,998. This does not include such
subsequent fines as reckless operation, not wearing a seat belt, and DWI (Let's
face it if you stopped for an Oakwood cop while doing light speed , you'd have to
be drunk. Oakwood is roughly 2 miles across... You'd be out of his jurisdiction in
0.00001 Seconds)
A couple of other stats concerning a car capable of light speed. You'd flip the
odometer in .537 seconds and need to change the oil every .053 seconds. I don't
even want to get into the amount of gas it would use and at the current gas prices
maybe a ticket isn't your first concern.
Faster Then C
Q: Why is the speed of light only 186,000 miles per second? Can't science do
better than this?
A: Yes, you're right. It's a disgrace that light only goes a measly 186,000 miles per
second, but physicists are working on the problem. There is already a prototype
vehicle that goes 200,000 miles per second, but the headlights shine at only
186,000 miles per second. This is equivalent to driving down the freeway the
wrong way with the headlights not only *out* but also chasing you down the
road. This is why so many scientists today no longer own a driver's license. Ask
Dr. Science
Slow Light
Q: What would happen if the speed of light were only sixty miles per hour?
A: As we approach the speed of light, the aging process slows down. So, if the
speed of light were sixty miles per hour, we would have even more people
speeding, especially older people trying to stay young. As a matter of fact, physics
would demand that we go faster than the speed of light. The safest thing is to
drive at a steady sixty to keep time and the highway patrol off our necks.
Airplanes would become obsolete in this slow light world, because you would be
going so fast, relatively speaking, that you'd be back before you even left. This
would make business trips unnecessary and lead to economic collapse. So, to
answer your question, life, if the speed of light were sixty miles per hour, would
be youthful, fast, and dark. Ask Dr. Science
- 20 -
Strange Signs
"MAN WANTED To work nuclear fission isotope molecule reactive counters and
three-phase cyclotronic uranium photosynthesizers. No experience necessary."
Product Warnings
The following are possible product warnings that might be required on a package
of any and every product, based on the laws of physics.
WARNING:
This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
CAUTION:
The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million
Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
CONSUMER NOTICE:
Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer
to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and
How Fast It Is Moving.
ADVISORY:
There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process
Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from
Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe,
Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be
Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
- 21 -
NOTE:
The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a
"Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose
Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.
ATTENTION:
Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the
Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of
99.9999999999% Empty Space.
PLEASE NOTE:
Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not
Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only
in a Vague and Undetermined State.
HEALTH WARNING:
Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and
Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.
- 22 -
- 23 -
- 24 -
- 25 -
MATHEMATICS
97.3% of all statistics are just made up.
----------------------------------------------------Did you hear the one about the statistician?
Probably...
----------------------------------------------------------3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
----------------------------------------------------------Death is 99 per cent fatal to laboratory rats.
---------------------------------------------------Some say the pope is the greatest cardinal.
But others insist this cannot be so, as every pope has a successor.
------------------------------------------------------Theorem:
All positive integers are interesting.
Proof:
Assume the contrary. Then there is a lowest non-interesting positive integer. But,
hey, that's pretty interesting! A contradiction.
--------------------------------------------------Theorem:
All horses have an infinite number of legs.
Proof (By Intimidation):
Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It is also wellknown that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in back. 4+2=6 legs, which
is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse to have! Now the only number that
is both even and odd is infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of
legs.
------------------------------------------------------------------Theorem:
A cat has nine tails.
Proof:
No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. Therefore, a cat has
nine tails.
-------------------------------------------------------------------1+1=3, for very large values of 1.
------------------------------------------------------------------Dean to the physics department: "Why do I always have to give You guys so much
money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn't You be
like the maths department? All they need is money for pencils, paper, and
wastepaper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need
is money for pencils and paper!"
---------------------------------------------------Answering machine message: "The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please
rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
- 26 -
Question:
How many times can you subtract 7 from 83, and what is left afterwards?
Answer:
I can subtract it as many times as I want, and it leaves 76 every time.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------Question:
Why did the chicken cross the Mbius Strip?
Answer:
To get to the other... um... er...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------Question:
What's the difference between a mathematician and a physicist?
Answer:
A mathematician thinks that two points are enough to define a straight line while
a physicist wants more data.
-------------------------------------------------------------If it wasn't for Thomas Edison, we'd all be watching TV to the light of a candle.
----------------------------------------------------------------------There are three types of mathematicians:
Those who can count, and those who can't count.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------It has been proved that women only ever use 12% of their brain. The other half is
never used.
-----------------------------------------------------------------As Derivation approached, all functions fled, except the Natural Exponential:
- "Don't you fear me?" says Derivation.
- "I am e to the x, you can't touch me."
- "Oh, but who says I differentiate along x?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------A student comes to the department with a shiny new cup, the sort of which you
get
when
having
won
something.
He
explained:
I won it in the MD Math Contest. They asked what 7 + 7 is. I said 12 and got 3rd
place!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: What do you get when you add 2 apples to 3 apples?
Answer: A senior high school math problem.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------Teacher:
Now
suppose
the
number
of
sheep
Student: Yes sir, but what happens if the number of sheep is not x?
is
x...
- 27 -
- 28 -
- 29 -
Mnemonics
Mnemonics Neatly Eliminate Man's Only Nemesis:
Insufficient Cerebral Storage...
My Nasty Editor Might Occasionally Not Interpret Commas...
Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally.
[Operator Precedence: Parentheses, Exponent, Multiply, Divide, Add, Subtract]
Important! Very eXcellent Learning Can Demand Memorizing.
[Roman numerals: I V X L C D M]
King Hector Doesn't (Usually) Drink Cold Milk.
[Original Metric Prefixes (1793): kilo, hecto, deca, (unity), deci, centi, milli]
Dairy Cows Make Milk Not Pink Fruit, Airhead!
[Metric submultiples: deci, centi, milli, micro, nano, pico, femto, atto]
Those Girls Can Flirt And Other Queer Things Can Do.
[Mohs' scale: Talc, Gypsum, Calcite, Fluorite, Apatite, Orthoclase, Quartz, Topaz,
Corundum, Diamond]
Pregnant Virgins Never Reveal the Truth
[Ideal Gas Law: PV = nRT ]
OIL RIG
[Redox Reactions: Oxidation Is Loss (of electrons); Reduction Is Gain.]
Cary Grant eXpects Unanimous Votes In Movie Reviews.
[Electromagnetic spectrum, highest frequency first: Cosmic rays, Gamma rays,
X-rays, Ultraviolet, Visible, Infrared, Microwaves, Radio waves]
My Very Educated Mother Just Showed Us Nine Planets.
[Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto]
Mon vieux, tu m'as jett sur une nouvelle plante.
[Mercure, Vnus, Terre, Mars, Jupiter, Saturne, Uranus, Neptune, Pluton]
Roy G. Biv (Richard Of York Gave Battle in Vain)
[Colors of the Rainbow: Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo, Violet]
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------Numerical values
Count the number of letters in each word to obtain each digit of the number. (A
ten-letter word represents a zero digit.)
c = 299792458 m/s [= Speed of Light = Einstein's Constant]
- My ingenious astronomy student remembers an easy light mnemonic.
- We guarantee certainty, clearly referring to this light mnemonic.
- 30 -
e = 2.718281828459045235360287471352662497757247...
- By omnibus, I traveled to Brooklyn.
[271828 -- David Mage]
- It enables a numskull to memorize a quantity of numerals.
[2718281828 -- Gene Widhoff]
- I'm forming a mnemonic to remember a function in analysis.
[2718281828 -- Maxey Brooke]
- It repeats: A constant of calculus, a constant of calculus.
[2718281828 -- Jeffrey Strehlow]
- To distrupt a playroom is commonly a practice of children.
[2718281828 -- Joseph J Guiteras]
- To express e, remember to memorize a sentence to simplify this.
[27182818284 -- John L. Greene]
- We require a mnemonic to remember e whenever we scribble math texts.
[271828182845 -- Joona Palaste (of Helsinki; 2004-11-07 e-mail)]
p = 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971693993751...
- Yes, I have a number. [31416]
- How I wish I could calculate Pi nearly right. [314159265]
- See, I have a rhyme assisting my feeble brain. [314159265]
- May I have a large container of coffee? Thank you. [3141592653]
The Evolution Of Math Teaching
1960s: A peasant sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His costs amount to 4/5 of his
selling price. What is his profit?
1970s: A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His costs amount to 4/5 of his
selling price, that is, $8. What is his profit?
1970s (new math): A farmer exchanges a set P of potatoes with set M of
money. The cardinality of the set M is equal to 10, and each element of M is worth
$1. Draw ten big dots representing the elements of M. The set C of production
costs is composed of two big dots less than the set M. Represent C as a subset of
M and give the answer to the question: What is the cardinality of the set of
profits?
1980s: A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His production costs are $8, and
his profit is $2. Underline the word "potatoes" and discuss with your classmates.
1990s: A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His or her production costs are
0.80 of his or her revenue. On your calculator, graph revenue vs. costs. Run the
POTATO program to determine the profit. Discuss the result with students in
your group. Write a brief essay that analyzes this example in the real world of
economics.
(Anon: The American Mathematical Monthly, Vol. 101, No. 5, May 1994)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
- 31 -
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Two male mathematicians are in a bar. The first one says to the second that the
average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one
disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of
math.
The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second
calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has
returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer
one third x cubed.
She repeats "one thir -- dex cue"?
He repeats "one third x cubed".
Her: `one thir dex cuebd'? Yes, that's right, he says. So she agrees, and goes off
mumbling to herself, "one thir dex cuebd...".
The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most
people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde
waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second man calls over
the waitress and asks "what is the integral of x squared?".
The waitress says "one third x cubed" and while walking away, turns back and
says over her shoulder "plus a constant!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
- 32 -
- 33 -
- 34 -
Theorems
Here, the powerful mathematical methods are successively applied to the
"real life problems".
Interesting Theorem:
All positive integers are interesting.
Proof:
Assume the contrary. Then there is a lowest non-interesting positive integer. But,
hey, that's pretty interesting! A contradiction.
Theorem:
There are two groups of people in the world; those who believe that the world can
be divided into two groups of people, and those who don't.
Theorem:
The world is divided into two classes: people who say "The world is divided into
two classes",
and people who say: The world is divided into two classes: people who say: "The
world is divided into two classes",
and people who say: The world is divided into two classes: people who say ...
There are three kinds of people in the world; those who can count and those who
can't.
There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those who understand binary math,
and those who don't.
There really are only two types of people in the world, those that DON'T
DO MATH, and those that take care of them.
Cat Theorem:
A cat has nine tails.
Proof:
No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. Therefore, a cat has
nine tails.
Salary Theorem
The less you know, the more you make.
Proof: Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
And since Knowledge = Power and Time = Money
It is therefore true that Knowledge = Work / Money .
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of
the amount of Work done.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
- 35 -
- 36 -
- 37 -
- 38 -
- 39 -
- 40 -
- 41 -
Pi
What is the value of PI?
Mathematician: approximately 3.1415927..
Physicist: it's 3.14
Engineer: a little more than 3
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------Similarly, a mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are each given 50 pounds
to measure the height of a building.
The mathematician buys a ruler and a sextant, and by determining the angle
subtended by the building a certain distance away from the base, he establishes
the height of the building.
The physicist buys a heavy ball and a stopwatch, climbs to the top of the building
and drops the ball. By measuring the time it takes to hit the bottom, he
establishes the height of the building.
The engineer puts forty pounds into his pocket. By slipping the doorman the
other ten, he establishes the height of the building.
Compiled by Richard Martin, August, 2000.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A chemist, a physicist, and a geologist were walking along a beach when the
physicist suddenly said that he wanted to measure the depth of the sea, and then
he jumped into the sea. The geologist said that he wanted to see the seabed and
he followed suit. The chemist waited for a while for them to reappear and then
concluded, "physicists and geologists are soluble in sea water."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Measurement Techniques
A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are each given 50 pounds to
measure the height of a building.
The mathematician buys a ruler and a sextant, and by determining the angle
subtended by the building a certain distance away from the base, he establishes
the height of the building.
The physicist buys a heavy ball and a stopwatch, climbs to the top of the building
and drops the ball. By measuring the time it takes to hit the bottom, he
establishes the height of the building.
The engineer puts forty pounds into his pocket. By slipping the doorman the
other ten, he establishes the height of the building.
Taken from the electronic bulletin of the Network of Student Physical Societies,
1994
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
- 42 -
Conclusions...
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching
people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First
they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice
three persons coming out of the house.
The
Physicist:
"The
measurement
wasn't
accurate."
The
Biologist:
"They
have
reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be
empty again."
Based on an unoriginal email forwarded by Pauline Sinclair
<http://users.ox.ac.uk/~mert0043/>, July 1996.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Top 10 Traits Of The Pseudoscientist
Society is developing a new breed of "intellect": the pseudoscientist. Too lazy to
do real work to research a topic, the pseudoscientist is armed with a strong
curiousity, an enlarged ego, and a dose of authoritian paranoia.
You might be a pseudoscientist if:
You believe your subscription to Analog provides the necessary
background to argue with PhD scientists.
You think "real" science is mostly developed in garages or hobby rooms.
You think scientists are inflexible to changing paradigms (using one of
pseudoscientists' favorite terms). See definition of "Science."
You think the government, big business, or traditional scientists are in a
conspiracy to prevent the pseudoscientists from showing the "truth" to the
rest of the world, motivated by such movies as "Chain Reaction."
You think science is purely to start a business and make money.
You think it's cool to announce impossible-sounding claims to the media
without a peer review process (see #4 above), expository discussion, or
other legitimizing process. You may believe the US Patent Office is a
legitimizing process, if they aren't in conspiracy with #4 above.
You're aiming for the Einsteinian turn-science-upside-down revolution of
thought and universal understanding, based on your two years of high
school physics and a copy of Omni magazine.
You think highly suspicious behavior is actually the way people protect
themselves from intellectual theft.
Your ego is large enough to tell the world that its understanding of the
universe has always been wrong, and your fantastic, undocumented,
unverified, unrecorded, and unreproducable experiment proves it.
Your college degree (if you have one) and your pseudoscientist interests
have absolutely nothing in common. For instance, you may be arguing
about fusion with a PhD in nuclear physics (and inflating your ego by
doing so), while you only have a nursing degree.
Based
on
an
original
Usenet
posting
to
sci.physics.fusion
<news:sci.physics.fusion> by Jeramie Hicks July 1997.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
- 43 -
Breakdown
Four engineers were travelling by car to a seminar, when unfortunately, the
vehicle broke down.
The chemical engineer said "Obviously, some constituent of the fuel has caused
this failure to occur."
The mechanical engineer replied "I disagree, I would surmise that an engine
component has suffered a catastrophic structural failure."
The electrical engineer also had a theory. "I believe an electrical component has
ceased to function, thereby causing an ignition malfunction."
The software engineer thought for some time. When at last he spoke he said
"What would happen if we all got out and then got back in again?"
Based on an unoriginal email forwarded by Pauline Sinclair
<http://users.ox.ac.uk/~mert0043/>
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Another Fire!
A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician were all in a hotel sleeping when a
fire broke out in their respective rooms. The physicist woke up, saw the fire, ran
over to his desk, pulled out his CRC, and began working out all sorts of fluid
dynamics equations. After a couple minutes, he threw down his pencil, got a
graduated cylinder out of his suitcase, and measured out a precise amount of
water. He threw it on the fire, extinguishing it, with not a drop wasted, and went
back to sleep.
The engineer woke up, saw the fire, ran into the bathroom, turned on the taps
full-blast, flooding out the entire apartment, which put out the fire, and went
back to sleep.
The mathematician woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, began working
through theorems, lemmas, hypotheses , you-name-it, and after a few minutes,
put down his pencil triumphantly and exclaimed, "I have *proven* that I *can*
put the fire out!" He then went back to sleep.
Based on an unoriginal email forwarded by Pauline Sinclair
<http://users.ox.ac.uk/~mert0043/>, July 1996.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------On a train to a large convention there were a bunch of engineers and a bunch of
chemists. Each of the engineers had a train ticket. The group of chemists had only
ONE ticket for all of them. The engineers started laughing, figuring the chemists
were going to get caught and thrown off the train.
When one of the chemists, the lookout, said "Here comes the conductor", all of
the chemists went into the bathroom. The engineers were puzzled.
The conductor came aboard, said "tickets please" and got tickets from all the
engineers. He then went to the bathroom and knocked on the door and said
"ticket please". The chemists stuck the ticket under the door. The conductor took
it and moved on. A few minutes later the chemists came out of the bathroom. The
engineers felt really stupid.
On the way back from the convention, the group of engineers decided that they
would try that method, too. They bought one ticket for the whole group. They met
up with the chemists in the same car.
- 44 -
Again, the engineers started snickering at the chemists. This time NONE of the
chemists had tickets. When the lookout said, "Conductor coming!", all the
chemists went to one bathroom and all the engineers went to the other bathroom.
Before the conductor came on board, one of the chemists left their bathroom,
knocked on the engineers' bathroom, and said "Ticket please."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A doctor, a lawyer, and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of
having a wife or a mistress.
The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a
divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems."
The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers
your stress and is good for your health."
The mathematician says: " You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when
the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your
wife - you can do some mathematics."
A mathematician and an engineer attend a lecture by a physicist. The topic
concerns Kulza-Klein theories involving physical processes that occur in spaces
with dimensions of 9, 12 and even higher. The mathematician is sitting, clearly
enjoying the lecture, while the engineer is frowning and looking generally
confused and puzzled. At the end, the engineer has a terrible headache, whereas
the mathematician comments about the wonderful lecture.
E: "How do you understand this stuff?"
M: "I just visualize the process."
E: "How can you *possibly* visualize something that occurs in 9-dimensional
space?"
M: "Easy, first visualize it in N-dimensional space, then let N be 9"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Approaches to find the value of 2+2.
Engineer (after 3 minutes, with a slide rule): "The answer is precisely 3.9974."
Physicist (after 6 hours of experiments): "The value is approximately 4.002, with
an error of plus-or-minus 0.005."
Mathematician (after a week of calculation): "Well, I haven't found an answer yet
but I *can* prove that an answer exists."
Philosopher: "But what do you mean by 2+2?"
Logician: "Please define 2+2 more precisely."
Accountant: Closes all the doors and windows, looks around carefully, then asks
"What do you want the answer to be?"
Computer Hacker: Breaks into the NSA super-computer and gives the answer.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many
thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste
pipeline through a recreational area?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
- 45 -
- 46 -
- 47 -
Cows
Ian writes: Farmer smith was not satisfied with the yield of his milk cows, so he
decided to called in an animal psychologist, an engineer and a physicist to try and
improve matters. All three inspected the farm and the cows and made there
recommendations.
The animal psychologist went first, "If you paint the milking shed green the cows
will be happier and happy cows will give more milk."
Then came the turn of the engineer. "If you narrow the milking stalls by 10
centimeters you will be able to add an extra stall and thus be able to milk an extra
cow in the same time."
Farmer Smith was very happy so far, now it came to the turn of the physicist. He
got out a black board and started drawing an elaborate diagram. Then he started
to talk: "First, we approximate the Cow as a sphere of radius r."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were traveling through Scotland
when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
"Aha," says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are black."
"Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are black."
"No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least one sheep in
Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A mathematician, a physicist, an engineer went again to the races and laid their
money down. Commiserating in the bar after the race, the engineer says, "I don't
understand why I lost all my money. I measured all the horses and calculated
their strength and mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could
run..."
The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn't take individual variations into
account. I did a statistical analysis of their previous performances and bet on the
horses with the highest probability of winning..."
"...so if you're so hot why are you broke?" asked the engineer. But before the
argument can grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and they get a glimpse
of his well-fattened wallet. Obviously here was a man who knows something
about horses. They both demanded to know his secret.
"Well," he says, "first I assumed all the horses were identical and spherical..."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A physicist and a mathematician are sitting in a faculty lounge. Suddenly, the
coffee machine catches on fire. The physicist grabs a bucket and leap towards the
sink, filled the bucket with water and puts out the fire. Second day, the same two
sit in the same lounge. Again, the coffee machine catches on fire. This time, the
mathematician stands up, got a bucket, hands the bucket to the physicist, thus
reducing the problem to a previously solved one.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
- 48 -
Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"
The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth,
and finally announces "3.99".
The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his
computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".
The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces: "I don't know what the
answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!".
Philosopher smiles: "But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?"
Logician replies: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely."
The sociologist: "I don't know, but is was nice talking about it".
Behavioral Ecologist: "A polygamous mating system".
Medical Student : "4" All others looking astonished : "How did you know ??"
Medical Student : :I memorized it."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------An chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an island when a
can of food rolls ashore. The chemist and the physicist comes up with many
ingenious ways to open the can. Then suddenly the mathematician gets a bright
idea: "Assume we have a can opener ..."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------New York (CNN): At John F. Kennedy International Airport today, a high
school mathematics teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in
possession of a compass, a protractor and a graphical calculator. According to law
enforcement officials, he is believed to have ties to the Al-Gebra network. He will
be charged with carrying weapons of math instruction. It was later discovered
that he taught the students to solve their problem with the help of radicals!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician and
asked them to fence of the largest possible area with the least amount of fence.
The engineer made the fence in a circle and proclaimed that he had the most
efficient
design.
The physicist made a long, straight line and proclaimed "We can assume the
length is infinite..." and pointed out that fencing off half of the Earth was
certainly
a
more
efficient
way
to
do
it.
The Mathematician just laughed at them. He built a tiny fence around himself
and said "I declare myself to be on the outside."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A mathematician organizes a lottery in which the prize is an infinite amount of
money. When the winning ticket is drawn, and the jubilant winner comes to
claim his prize, the mathematician explains the mode of payment: "1 dollar now,
1/2 dollar next week, 1/3 dollar the week after that..."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A mathematician decides he wants to learn more about practical problems. He
sees a seminar with a nice title: "The Theory of Gears." So he goes. The speaker
stands up and begins, "The theory of gears with a real number of teeth is well
known ..."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
- 49 -
When a statistician passes the airport security check, they discover a bomb in his
bag. He explains. "Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an
airplane is 1/1000. However, the chance that there are two bombs at one plane is
1/1000000. So, I am much safer..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: What will a logician choose: a half of an egg or eternal bliss in the afterlife? A:
A half of an egg! Because nothing is better than eternal bliss in the afterlife, and a
half of an egg is better than nothing.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A physicist has been conducting experiments and has worked out a set of
equations which seem to explain his data. He asks a mathematician to check
them. A week later, the mathematician calls "I'm sorry, but your equations are
complete nonsense." "But these equations accurately predict results of
experiments. Are you sure they are completely wrong? "To be precise, they are
not always a complete nonsense. But the only case in which they are true is the
trivial one where the field is Euclidean..."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------To mathematicians, solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists,
solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A Mathematician (M) and an Engineer (E) attend a lecture by a Physicist. The
topic concerns Kulza-Klein theories involving physical processes that occur in
spaces with dimensions of 9, 12 and even higher. The M is sitting, clearly enjoying
the lecture, while the E is frowning and looking generally confused and puzzled.
By the end the E has a terrible headache. At the end, the M comments about the
wonderful lecture.
E: "How do you understand this stuff?"
M: "I just visualize the process"
E: "How can you POSSIBLY visualize something that occurs in 9-dimensional
space?"
M: "Easy, first visualize it in N-dimensional space, then let N go to 9"
******************************************************
- 50 -
ANECDOTES
Hi,
Well, this is my most favourite section..anecdotes about some of the greatest
minds in human history particularly scientists and mathematicians. Enjoy!!
Yours,
Gautam.
*****************************************
Ernest Rutherford (1871-1937)
One student in Rutherford's lab was very hard-working. Rutherford had noticed
it and asked one evening: - Do you work in the mornings too?
- Yes, - proudly answered the student sure he would be commended.
- But when do you think? - amazed Rutherford.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Einstein : It is hard to teach in a co-ed college since guys are only looking on
girls and not listening to the teacher.
He was objected that they would be listening to HIM very attentively, forgetting
about any girls.
But such guys won't be worth teaching!! - replied the great man.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------During a lecture, Professor Dirac made a mistake in an equation he was writing
on the blackboard. A courageous student raises his finger and says timidly :
"Professor Dirac, I do not understand equation 2.".
Dirac continues writing without any reaction. The student supposes Dirac has not
heard him and raises his finger again, and says, louder this time: "Professor
Dirac, I do not understand equation 2."
No reaction. Somebody on the first row decides to intervene and says: "Professor
Dirac, that man is asking a question."
"Oh," Dirac replies, I thought he was making a statement."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Einstein never has to dress well.
When Einstein's Wife told him to dress properly when going to the office he
argued:
"Why should I? Everyone knows me there."
When he was told to dress properly for his first big conference:
"Why should I? No one knows me there."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------It was well known to Pauli's co-workers that Pauli should be kept away from
experiments. When he came near any experiment it would go wrong and
instruments would go broke. This became known as the Pauli Effect.
One day an important experiment went wrong without any apparent reason.
Pauli was not even around, so this was very strange .... until they discovered a few
days later that Pauli was in the train that was passing the building at the time of
the crash.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 51 -
One day while Mr. Edison and I were were calling on Luther Burbank in
California, he asked us to register in his guest book. The book had a column for
signature, another for home address, another for occupation and a final one
entitled 'Interested in'. Mr. Edison signed in a few quick but unhurried
motions...In the final column he wrote without a moment's hesitation:
'Everything.'
-- Henry Ford, _My Friend Mr. Edison_
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------How about the story of the MIT student who cornered the famous John von
Neumann in the hallway:
Student: "Er, excuse me, Professor von Neumann, could you please help me with
a calculus problem?"
John: "Okay, sonny, if it's real quick -- I'm a busy man."
Student: "I'm having trouble with this integral."
John: "Let's have a look."
(A brief pause here)
"Alright, sonny, the answer's two-pi over 5."
Student: "I know that, sir, the answer's in the back -- I'm having trouble deriving
it, though."
John: "Okay, let me see it again."
(Another pause)
"The answer's two-pi over 5."
Student (frustrated): "Uh, sir, I know the answer, I just don't see how to derive
it."
John: "Whaddya want, sonny, I worked the problem in two different ways!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Albert Einstein apparently referred to formal occasions, parties etc as "feeding
time at the zoo"!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------In the period that Einstein was active as a professor, one of his students came to
him and said: "The questions of this year's exam are the same as last years!"
"True," Einstein said, "but this year all answers are different."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------It is told that in 1921 George de Hevesey suspected that the leftovers from his
dinner were not thrown away, but kept for the next day. To check that he added a
minimal amount of a radioactive substance to his leftovers. The next day he
tested the goulash soup that was served to him with a Geiger counter. The soup
was indeed radioactive.
And this way radioactive tracers were discovered.
- 52 -
- 53 -
While musing upon the subject of thermodynamics one day, Lord Kelvin
suddenly realized that his wife was discussing plans for an afternoon excursion.
"At what time," he asked, glancing up, "does the dissipation of energy begin?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Physicist James Franck was among the professors who examined the twentythree-year-old Robert Oppenheimer for his doctorate at Gottingen University.
Upon emerging from the oral examination, Franck appeared somewhat shaken.
"I got out of there just in time," the professor explained. "He was beginning to ask
me questions!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------THE CLASSICAL scholar Gilbert Murray one day encountered Einstein sitting in
the quadrangle of Christ Church, Oxford. The exiled scientist was deep in
thought, with a serene and cheerful expression on his face.
Murray asked Einstein what he was thinking about.
"I am thinking that, after all, murmured the great genius, Sun is a very small
star!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Niels Bohr had a propensity for thinking aloud, often using a convenient student
or colleague as a sounding board. On one occasion, Bohr, in search of company
after a week-long ocean voyage, entered Princeton's Institute for Advanced Study,
cornered two colleagues (Abraham Pais and Wolfgang Pauli) into an office, sat
them down, and proceeded to muse at length on quantum theory.
They were finally able to interrupt - two hours later.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------After Einstein had fled from Hitler's Germany, one hundred Nazi professors
published a book condemning his theory of relativity. "If I were wrong," Einstein
said in his defense, "one professor would have been enough."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Scientific American once ran a competition offering several thousand dollars for
the best explanation of Albert Einstein's general theory of relativity in three
thousand words.
"I'm the only one in my entire circle of friends who is not entering," Einstein
ruefully remarked. "I don't believe I could do it."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
- 54 -
The great mathematician Waclaw Sierpinski was old and rather absent-minded.
Once he had to move to a new place for some reason. His wife didn't trust him
very much, so when they stood down on the street with all their things, she said:
- Now, you stand here and watch our ten trunks, while I go and get a taxi.
She left and left him there, eyes somewhat glazed and humming absently.
Some minutes later she returned, presumably having called for a taxi.
Says Mr. Sierpinski :
- I thought you said there were ten trunks, but I've only counted nine.
- No, they're TEN!
- No, count them: 0, 1, 2, ..."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------One day, one of Albert Einstein's assistants expressed his joy that experimental
results had confirmed the General Theory of Relativity.
"But I knew that the theory was correct," Einstein calmly remarked. The assistant
then asked what he would have done had his predictions not been confirmed.
"Then," Einstein replied, "I would have felt sorry for our dear God - the theory is
correct."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Von Neumann supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework
assignments on the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious)
when he was asked how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to
get more helpful information by asking if there was another way to solve the
problem.
Von Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Einstein once wrote to a fifteen-year-old girl who had written for help on a
homework assignment:
"Do not worry about your difficulties in mathematics; I can assure you that mine
are much greater."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Ernst Eduard Kummer (1810-1893), a German algebraist, was sometimes slow at
calculations. Whenever he had occasion to do simple arithmetic in class, he
would get his students to help him. Once he had to find 7 x 9. "Seven times nine,"
he began, "Seven times nine is er -- ah --- ah -- seven times nine is. . . ."
"Sixtyone,"a student suggested. Kummer wrote 61 on the board.
"Sir," said another student, "it should be sixty-nine." "Come, come, gentlemen, it
can't be both," Kummer exclaimed. "It must be one or the other."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
- 55 -
The following problem can be solved either the easy way or the hard way.
Two trains 200 miles apart are moving toward each other; each one is going at a
speed of 50 miles per hour. A fly starting on the front of one of them flies back
and forth between them at a rate of 75 miles per hour. It does this until the trains
collide and crush the fly to death. What is the total distance the fly has flown?
One could solve the problem the hard way with pencil and paper by summing an
infinite series of distances. The easy way is as follows: Since the trains are 200
miles apart and each train is going 50 miles an hour, it takes 2 hours for the
trains to collide. Therefore the fly was flying for two hours. Since the fly was
flying at a rate of 75 miles per hour, the fly must have flown 150 miles. That's all
there is to it.
When this problem was posed to John von Neumann, he immediately replied,
"150miles."
"It is very strange," said the poser, "but nearly everyone tries to sum the infinite
series."
"What do you mean, strange?" asked Neumann. "That's exactly how I did it!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------EINSTEIN went to look at a kibbutz while on a visit to Palestine in 1921. He
asked many questions of the 22-year-old girl who was head of the young
community. One question was,
"What is the relationship here of men to women?"
Thinking that he was one of the many visitors who thought that women were
common property in the kibbutz, she stammered, very embarrassed,
"But, Herr Professor, each man here has one woman."
Einstein's eyes twinkled. He took the girl's hand and said,
"Don't be alarmed at my question - by 'relationship' we physicists mean
something rather simple, and that is how many men are there and how many
women?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------IN 1931 Charlie Chaplin invited Albert Einstein, who was visiting Hollywood, to a
private screening of his new film City Lights. As the two men drove into town
together, passersby waved and cheered. Chaplin turned to his guest and
explained:
"The people are applauding you because none of them understands you and
applauding me because everybody understands me."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------In his lecture, Von Neumann formulated a theorem and said: "The proof is
obvious". Then he thought for a minute, left the lecture room, returned after 15
minutes and happily concluded: "It is indeed obvious!"
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Around the time when Cold War started, Bertrand Russell was giving a lecture on
politics in England. Being a communist in a conservative women's club, he was
not received well at all: the ladies came up to him and started attacking him with
whatever they could get their hands on. The guard, being an English gentleman,
did not want to be rough to the ladies and yet needed to save Russell from them.
Guard shouted, "He is a great mathematician!" The ladies ignored him. The
guard said again, "He is a great philosopher!" The ladies ignore him again.
In desperation, finally, he said, "But his brother is an earl!" Bert was saved.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------After the birth of his sister Maja, the two and a half year old Albert Einstein was
told he would now have something to play with.
After looking at the baby he complained "Yes... but where are its wheels?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------IN 1898, young Albert Einstein applied for admission to the Munich Technical
Institute and was turned down. The young man, the Institute declared, "showed
no promise" as a student. By 1905, he had formulated his special theory of
relativity.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------On one occasion, Paul Erds met another mathematician and asked him where
he was from. "Vancouver," the mathematician replied. "Oh, then you must know
my good friend Elliot Mendelson," Erds said.
The reply was. "I AM your good friend Elliot Mendelson."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Albert Einstein (1879-1955) [German physicist] Albert Einstein, who fancied
himself as a violinist, was rehearsing a Haydn string quartet. When he failed for
the fourth time to get his entry in the second movement, the cellist looked up and
said, "The problem with you, Albert, is that you simply can't count."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------In the period that Einstein was active as a professor, one of his students came to
him and said: "The questions of this year's exam are the same as last years!"
"True," Einstein said, "but this year all answers are different."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The French scientist Andre Ampere was on his way to an important meeting at
the Academy in Paris. In the carriage he got a brilliant idea which he immediately
wrote down ... on the seat of the carriage: dH=ipdl/r^2.
As he arrived he paid the driver and ran into the building to tell everyone.
Then he found out his notes were on the carriage and he had to hunt through the
streets of Paris to find his notes on wheels.
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Before they immigrated to the US, the Einsteins endured the severe economic
situation in post WWI Germany. Mrs. E saved old letters and other scrap paper
for Albert to write on and so continue his work. Years later, Mrs. Einstein was
pressed into a public relations tour of some science research center. Dutifully she
plodded through lab after lab filled with gleaming new scientific napery, The
American scientists explaining things to her in that peculiarly condescending way
we all treat non-native speakers of our own language. Finally she was ushered
into a high-chambered observatory, and came face to face with another, larger,
scientific contraption. "Well, what's this one for?" she muttered. "Mrs. Einstein,
we use this equipment to probe the deepest secrets of the universe," cooed the
chief scientist. "Is THAT all!" snorted Mrs. E. "My husband did that on the back
of old envelopes!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Justus von Liebig (1803-1873) one day was approached by his assistant who all
excited informed him that he had just discovered the formula for an universal
solvent. Liebig asked: - "And what is a universal solvent?" Assistant: - "One that
dissolves all substances." Liebig: - "Where are you going to keep that solvent,
eh??!!!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Walther Nernst, the famous German physical chemist, developed an electric
lamp, known as the "Nernst lamp", which he sold for a very large sum of money.
A colleague of his, not without sarcasm, asked him whether his next project will
be making diamonds. Nernst answered, -"No, I can afford to buy diamonds now,
so I don't need to make them".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------As a child, Einstein began to talk very late. His parents were obviously worried.
At last, at the dinner table one night, he broke his silence to say, "The soup is too
hot."
Greatly relieved, his parents asked why he had never said a word before.
Albert replied, "Because up to now everything was in order."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------This story is told about the mathematician Arne Beurling: When PhD candidates
he was supervising came to him with their finished theses he would read the last
few pages of the thesis, then pull out a paper from his desk, look at it for a few
moments and then say "Well, that seems to be the right answer, You can submit
it".
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EINSTEIN'S wife was once asked if she understood her husband's theory of
relativity.
"No," she replied loyally, "but I know my husband and I know he can be trusted."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------As the joint meeting of the Royal Society and the Royal Astronomical Society was
dispersing [this was 6 November 1919, when the results of the eclipse expedition
that confirmed Einstein's prediction of the bending of light by gravity were
announced], Ludwig Silberstein came up to Arthur Eddington and said,
"Professor Eddington, you are considered as one of three persons in the world
who understands Einsteins General Theory of Relativity."
On this Eddington seemed to be lost in thought.
Silberstein continued, "Don't be modest, Mr. Eddington,"
Eddington replied, "On the contrary, I am trying to think who the third person
is."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------EINSTEIN QUOTES
"Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love"
I do not know how World War III would be fought. But I can tell you how
World War IV will be fought: With sticks and stones.
"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit
with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S
relativity."
Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.
"God does not play dice with the universe." -- Einstein
"Who are you to tell God what to do?" -- Bohr
"God not only plays dice, but sometimes throws them where they cannot
be seen." -- Hawking
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not
sure about the first.
"Nothing will benefit human health and increase the chances for survival
of life on Earth as much as the evolution to a vegetarian diet"
"You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your
grandmother."
I want to know God's thoughts; the rest are details.
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