Tutor Alina Emma

Student K****

Module: General
Task Some contend that people work because they need money to live. Others
believe that there are other reasons why people work. Discuss and give
your own opinion. Use specific examples and details to support your
answer.

_____ - incorrect
_____ - grammatically correct but could be paraphrased for a higher score
_____ - inappropriate tone/style
_____ - additional commentaries and explanation
_____ - penalty

Throughout the existence of people they have always worked (throughout human
history people have always been working). This is due to the fact that humans need
money in order to ensure themselves by food, shelter and clothing (Make it one
sentence: Throughout human history, people have always been working in order to
satisfy their basic needs for food and shelter.). However, nowadays individuals
pursue to realizing their own abilities (an increasing number of people work to
realize their potential rather than to make a living alone) (“Nowadays ” is a very
common word, the more less common lexical items you use, the higher is your
score for the vocabulary. There are other less common alternatives, such as “in
this day and age”, “in modern/contemporary world/society”. A smoother
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transition is needed here, you could write something along the lines: However, in
this day and age the idea that people need to work only in order to satisfy their
needs is outdated and in the contemporary society a majority of people view their
work as an opportunity to realize their potential/to feel a sense of accomplishment).
^^ (IN THIS ESSAY) Some sides of this argument will be analysed before a
reasoned conclusion is drawn. (This can be considered as a “memorized sentence ”
since it does not contain anything specific to the task, it can be easily copied
entirely and used in another essay. Avoid sentences like this. You can learn phrases,
but and reuse some sentences, but each sentence needs to contain some specific
vocabulary related to the topic for the examiner to see that you understand the
meaning of the sentence you have written and that you have not simply memorized
that this should be the last sentence of your introduction. This would be a better
option: While it is true that, to a certain extent, employment is still largely a way to
pay living expenses, it can also be a meaningful and rewarding experience. But
even in this case this sentence is superfluous since it simply paraphrases the idea
expressed in the previous sentence. )

On one side of the argument there is the opinion that humankind works in order to
earn money (There is a widespread view that people work in order to survive,
rather than express themselves, and their labor is a commodity.) From real life one
can see that people truly need money for a living (Undeniably, hardly can one live
in a modern society without money). Indeed, humans have to pay for everything
they require: a food, a dwelling (accommodation), a transport, a medicine
(healthcare), an education and many other things (Try to avoid such words as
“things”, they hurt the style and affect your score for the vocabulary. > and other
basic needs). From this it can be concluded that one of the main reasons for

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working is an earning money. (This can lead one to an easy, and seemingly
obvious, conclusion that financial remuneration is the main incentive for people to
work.) (The vocabulary is repetitive and common. Limited range of grammar
structures.)
On the other hand, there are other reasons involved in this matter such as a
possibility to develop people’s (On the other hand, there are those who see a
deeper meaning to the daily grind. For such individuals, work is an opportunity for
social engagement and personal growth.) talents, abilities and hobbies. Despite the
fact that talented people have to earn money for living, (do not forget commas; “to
make a living” would be better) they are also becoming (they also become) happier
when they share their talent with other people. In addition, when a person is truly
talented, then this person may neither earn money, nor to express himself and to
attract many other people who will enjoy of his (or her) talent. Thus, both sides
tend to receive an enjoyment. (Thus, they are intrinsically motivated to work as not
only does it give them a sense of accomplishment but also provides an opportunity
to express themselves.)
It is (it is not clear what do you mean by IT. What is obvious? specify) also
obvious when looking at another example such as technology (Coherence). (These
sentences are not linked properly) There is no room for doubt that some people
have excellent technical skills and thinking (can think out of the box). Only by
attracting such specialists it is (inversion- IS IT ) possible to achieve the best result
of this work (Only by attracting such experts can companies in this area achieve
top results and stay ahead of the competition). (Coherence!) Therefore, other
people receive a quality as a result of such human’s (work allows people to bring
something of value to the community) work. (This paragraph is incoherent. Clearly
state the second reason why people work. Do they do it in order to provide

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 something of value to others? It should be made clear in your essay. For example,
the body should look like this:
1. (Topic sentence) Not a less significant reason why people work is an
opportunity to make a contribution to the society and to give something of
value to others. 2. (Extend and support the main idea ) This was particularly
evident in Russia at the turn of the 20th century. After the collapse of the
Soviet Union, teachers went unpaid for months at a time. Yet, most of them
continued teaching full-time and stayed committed to educating young
generation. This example makes it clear that there are several incentives for
people to work and they are every bit as powerful as money. )

To conclude, having analysed several reasons , I support all of them. The issue of a
work has many reasons and every reason has a right to exist. (Having analyzed all
the above, one can conclude that while a job does help to put food on the table, it
is far from being the only reason why people go to work every weekday. Write at
least two sentences in the conclusion, in the second sentence you can express hope
for the future. It is hoped that more people will see work not only as a source of
income but also as a source of personal satisfaction.)
Evaluation
Number of words:

Academic Task 2
Criteria Score
Task Achievement or Response TR1 presents a clear position throughout the 5.0
= how well your answer satisfies the response
requirements of the task TR2 presents, extends and supports main ideas 5.0
Coherence and Cohesion CC1 Paragraphs 5.0
= how well you sequence information and
ideas CC2 Signposting and topic sentences 5.5
Lexical Resources LR1 Range 5.5
= how rich your vocabulary is LR2 Style and collocations + spelling 5.0
Grammatical Range and Accuracy G1 Accuracy 5.5
= how good your grammar is G2 Range 5.5

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Underlength No of words Penalty
Off-topic Memorised X Illegible

Insight
Special focus on: Extending the range of vocabulary and grammar
and making the arguments clearer and more
developed.

3.0 A1 4.0 A2 5.0 B1 6.0 B2 7.0 C1 8.0 C2 9.0

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