It is argued by one school of thought some that an increased number of sports centers

is the most effective method to enhance people’s well-being, while the others school of
thought believe that other measures should be taken. This essay will discuss that why
other approaches, such as a healthy diet, should be considered.

You have paraphrased the question, though language errors reduced clarity.

You have not given your opinion clearly in relation to the question (i.e. is increasing the
number of sports facilities the best way of improving public health or not?).

This is not the main idea you present in the second body paragraph, which is
specifically that awareness about diet needs to be increased.

You should also have given the main idea (i.e. reason) regarding the view that
increasing the number of sports facilities is the best way of improving public health.

To begin with, a raised greater quantity of sports vicinities facilities cannot help people
to boost their health because nowadays most people don’t have enough leisure time to
visit these facilities and whenever they manage to found find some free time, they prefer
to spend this time with their loved ones as spending time with the family members is
also vital. A recent survey by a health club in Chicago concluded that these sports
centers are no more longer attended visited by most of their members as they are
engaged in because of their hectic life-style lifestyles. Thus, this intervention would not
be an appropriate way in of minimizing people’s ailments.

Structurally, you have included the necessary elements, with a topic sentence
presenting your main idea, some explanation and an example, as well as your opinion
at the end.

However, in this supporting paragraph you should have presented the view which you
disagree with, which means giving a reason why some people believe that increasing
the number of sports facilities is the best way of improving public health, explaining that
and giving an example of it, with your opinion at the end. See the sample essay below
for an idea of how to do this.

On the other hand, I believe that there are other strategies that could aid us in
maintaining a healthy life pattern. One of the various approaches is to create an
awareness about eating a balanced diet, which not only provides essential nutrients to
the body, in order to so that it can function properly, but it also boosts our immune
system, which protects us from a number of diseases. A recent study conducted by the
university University of California concluded that people who consume have a well-
balanced diet are more likely to live longer than their counterparts and have less a lower
chances of getting ill.

You should have omitted this sentence and given your main idea in the topic sentence
(first sentence) directly.

In the next sentence you have presented your main idea, but you should then have
explained it.

You have given a specific and relevant example of your main idea.

You should have included your opinion as it relates to the original question at the end of
the paragraph.

In conclusion, although it is argued that more sports buildings amenities should be build
built to upgrade improve human well-being, however, in my opinion other methods, such
as spreading awareness about the importance of a well-nourished nutritious diet, could
be is a better substitute way to maximize people’s state of health.

You have summarised the main ideas from the body of the essay, but adding something
like this makes the summary more accurate.

You have stated your opinion, but using this here makes it much clearer, because
‘could’ implies that you are not certain about it.

Task Response- Band 5

You have failed to answer the question in the appropriate way because you appear to
be unaware of the difference between 'discuss both views' questions and 'agree or
disagree' questions.
Suggestions-

'Discuss both views' questions require you to discuss both sides of an issue and give
your opinion. You should therefore discuss why people think one side in one main body
paragraph and why people think the other side in the other main body paragraph. You
must also state whether you agree or disagree with each side, i.e. your opinion.

With 'agree or disagree' questions you are not asked to discuss both views, therefore
you should just pick one side and say why you think this. You should pick two main
ideas that support your view, and develop one main idea in one paragraph and the
other main idea in the other.

Coherence and Cohesion- Band 6

You logically organise information and ideas and there is clear progression throughout.

Your introduction and conclusion are not effective.

Suggestions- Your coherence would benefit if you outlined your main ideas accurately
in the introduction and made your opinion clear. This makes it much easier for the
reader to follow your argument and keeps your mind focused on supporting your
opinion. Your score would also improve if you summarised your main ideas accurately
in the conclusion and made your opinion clear.

Vocabulary- Band 6

You use an adequate range of vocabulary for the task. You do attempt to use less
common vocabulary, but this often leads to mistakes, as you can see above.

You do make some errors in word formation, but they do not impede communication.

Suggestions- You obviously have a wide-ranging vocabulary; however, when you try to
use more advanced words and phrases, you can make slight errors at times.

You do not get extra marks for inserting large, complicated words if they are
inappropriate or inaccurate.

My advice is to use the 100% rule. Only write a word or phrase when you are 100%
sure about the meaning and form of that word.

In the long term, you should think about starting a vocabulary book. This is a place
where you record new vocabulary with spelling, grammar, collocations, synonyms,
antonyms and example sentences to make sure you know it 100%. You can then review
these new words regularly so that they become a natural part of your vocabulary.

You should also give yourself a few minutes at the end to evaluate your vocabulary and
make sure you have not made any mistakes.

Finally, synonyms are important and you should try to use them, but only use them if
you know that they mean exactly the same as the word you are replacing. They should
also be grammatically correct. If you are not sure, just repeat the word.

Grammar- Band 6

Your grammar is not bad, but you do make small mistakes in nearly every sentence.
None of your grammar mistakes stop meaning coming through, but there are too many
of them to get one of the higher band scores.

Around 50% of your sentences need to be completely error free for you to get a higher
band for grammar.

Suggestions- You can do three things.

First, you can identify your common mistakes, review the grammar, and then try to fix
them.

Secondly, you can make sure you only write sentences that you are 100% sure about. It
is better to be correct than try to show off with fancy grammar and complicated
sentences.

Lastly, practice so that you leave yourself at least 2-3 minutes at the end to check for
mistakes.

Overall- Band 6

This score might be lower than you might have hoped for, but you should see it as a
good opportunity to identify your problems and fix them. You should focus on the
following things:

•Paraphrase the question in the first sentence.

•Give a clear opinion in the introduction.

•Outline your main ideas in the introduction.

•Present your main ideas in the topic sentences of the body paragraphs.

•Develop your main ideas with clear explanations.

•Include your opinion clearly at the end of the body paragraphs for this kind of question.

•Summarise your main ideas in the conclusion and reiterate your opinion clearly.

•Reduce the number of vocabulary mistakes you are making by only using words and
phrases you are 100% sure about.

•Reduce the number of grammar mistakes you are making by reading each sentence
immediately after you write it to check that it makes sense.

•Proofread your whole essay at the end.

•Analyse the question before starting to write to make sure that you are answering the
specific question being asked.

•Plan your answers for 5-10 minutes before writing.

Suggested Resources

Planning- <http://ieltsadvantage.com/2015/07/02/how-to-plan-an-ielts-essay/>

Main body paragraphs- <http://ieltsadvantage.com/2015/05/21/write-supporting-

paragraph-ielts/>

Question analysis- <http://ieltsadvantage.com/2015/03/05/how-to-understand-

analyse-ielts-writing-task-2/>

Introduction- <http://ieltsadvantage.com/2015/03/05/how-to-write-introduction-
ielts-writing-task-2/>

Conclusion- <http://ieltsadvantage.com/2015/06/14/ielts-writing-conclusions/>

Structures- <http://ieltsadvantage.com/2015/03/03/ielts-writing-task-2-essay-
structures/>

Discuss both views- <http://ieltsadvantage.com/2015/03/18/writing-task-2-

discussion-essay-lesson/>

Grammar- <http://ieltsadvantage.com/2015/04/20/ielts-grammar-mistakes/>

Vocabulary- <http://ieltsadvantage.com/vocabulary/>
I would recommend that you consider getting further help with your writing. If you do
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Sample Answer

It is often argued that expanding the number of leisure amenities is the most appropriate
way of boosting the health of the general public, while others feel that this is not a viable
solution and believe other steps are needed. This essay argues that although more
sports complexes would be more convenient, education is a more suitable option.

On the one hand, a greater availability of recreation facilities would make exercise more
accessible to citizens. People would travel shorter distances from work or home and this
would encourage more people to participate. Moreover, the demand for each facility
would decrease, so people would wait less time to use them. For example, in Dublin
there are very few tennis courts and people have to book weeks in advance of playing.
However, for most people, it is not the lack of sports facilities, but the lack of knowledge
that is the problem.

On the other hand, a public awareness campaign about the dangers a sedentary
lifestyle can have on one’s fitness would not only affect people’s wellbeing, but also
their understanding of the issue. This is because most men and women are unaware of
the harm they are doing to themselves by not exercising regularly, and warning them
about the risk factors would have a motivating effect. For instance, the ‘Go walking’
campaign in Northern Ireland in 2006 led to obesity-related illnesses, like heart disease
and stroke, falling by almost a half. This essay believes these initiatives would be more
prudent than increasing the availability of sports facilities.
In conclusion, although an increased availability of sports centres can influence the
wellness of the public by making exercise more convenient, it is only through education
that the real benefits can be realised.