6.

(12/07/2014) Nowadays more and more young people hold the important positions in

the government. Some people think that is a good thing while others argue that it is

not suitable . Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Essay:
Commented [AB1]: ‘consider this tendency as unsuitable’ –
It is true that the number of young people who hold highly responsible posts in the government is consider sth as sth.

'Mark was considered as an excellent leader.' Or 'Mark was

considered as an excellent leader.'
growing. Some people consider this tendency is unsuitable, while I support the view that the trend is
Commented [AB2]: These words do not collocate – you can use
–
‘alarming, dangerous, unfortunate, worrying’
http://oxforddictionary.so8848.com/search1?word=tendency
beneficial at present.
Commented [AB3]: Again the collocation is not right here. You
can use – ‘positive, upward | downward, negative | contrary,
opposite | healthy, welcome’ here –
On the one hand, the young candidates have some notable drawbacks. The main issue is that it is really http://oxforddictionary.so8848.com/search?word=trend

Commented [AB4]: This word means:

hard for the young to make older people accept their leadership. Young leaders are usually short of real
‘a disadvantage or the negative part of a situation’; not a person.

e.g. One of the drawbacks of living with someone is having to

share a bathroom.
experiences to manage crucial aspects of policy such as international affairs or the economy. If they do
Therefore a person cannot have a drawback –

‘the young candidates have some notable weaknesses’

not face more challenges in their career, the young are more likely to make mistakes which can affect
Commented [AB5]: ‘experience’ – this noun is usually
uncountable.
Commented [AB6]: ‘experience in managing’ - experience in
the lives of many people. sth/ in +ing sth.
Commented [AB7]: ‘have not faced enough’ – present perfect
is better suggesting up to the point they take their career (in their
lives until that moment – past to present).
On the other hand, it seems to me preternatural youth prodigies have their own advantages to generate
Commented [AB8]: ‘strengths in’ – this is more natural
sounding.
Commented [AB9]: ‘generating’ (‘strength in +ing)
fresh ideas and energy. They may have many innovative breakthrough policies because they look at
Commented [AB10]: ‘may be able to’ – this sounds more
academic.
Commented [AB11]: ‘produce; generate; implement’.
ideas in a different way. Young people always find new answers to old problems. They also have an
Commented [AB12]: Too strong – ‘can’.
Commented [AB13]: ‘may also’
advantage in stamina and positive energy that can help tackling problems which older leaders may not Commented [AB14]: This word is usually used to denote
physical endurance - a better phrase might be ‘staying power’
here.
Commented [AB15]: ‘can help in tackling’ or ‘can help tackle’.
touch. Besides, the young are younger so they can contribute to their nations longer than older
Commented [AB16]: ‘consider touching’ – more academic
sounding.
Commented [AB17]: ‘their youth can help them contribute
counterparts.
to…….’
In conclusion, there is no scientific evidence to suggest someone is better at they are young or old, and Commented [AB18]: ‘age matters in terms of leadership’

no guarantee that a little older, they will earn more life, or political, experience. While some one do not Commented [AB19]: ‘age equals wisdom’

believe young people can play some key roles in the government, I strongly believe young people is

completely relevant. Commented [AB20]: I believe that key roles in the government
can be played by both young and old individuals’

(255 words)

Comments:

IELTS Marking Criteria My comments Band score

Task Fulfilment A balanced essay with an

Cohesion and Coherence
Lexical resource
excellent introduction but the
conclusion was less clear. 7.5
Addresses all parts of the task
although occasionally there are
ideas that need to be written with
more caution (using ‘can’ instead
of ‘always’) especially with some
ideas that are not always clear
‘stamina’.
Logically organises information and
ideas; there is clear progression 7.0
throughout. Presents a clear central
topic within each paragraph. Good
cohesion between sentences and
within. You do tend to use ’they’ at
the beginnings of sentences which
can make the text a bit mechanical –
more linking words / passive would
help in offering a different focus
from time to time.
Uses a wide range of vocabulary
fluently and flexibly to convey
precise meanings. Good use of
 collocation and more uncommon
phrases. The vocabulary is mostly 7.0
generally appropriate but there are
some inaccurate collocations. This is
a good website to use –
http://oxforddictionary.so8848.com/
In places you might be more concise
– especially in the conclusion.
Grammatical Range Uses a variety of complex structures. 7.0
and accuracy Makes some errors in grammar – in
terms of nouns + prepositions;
‘experience in / strengths in /
advantage of’. The use of the
present perfect is also worth noting.
These mistakes do not affect the
comprehensibility of the text apart
from the conclusion which is hard to
understand.

Overall Score: 7.0 – a good answer to the question- generally solid and relevant to the question.
Some inaccurate word choice and noun and preposition issues.