Journey from seeker of love to

disocvery of self love

Ego States
Ego state: Observations about self
I find myself very hign on RP (8) because I think that
people do need my help. This may be due to previous
spiritual practice I had which used to tell me that those
people who don’t follow your path are fallen and they
must be deliveredd through Divine message that you
have as you are very special. So even though I have quit
this practice for good before 3 years, still this past haunt
me due to my past conditionings.

I am also very high on CP (7) as I set very high standard

for myself so expect the same from others. Due to which
there is lot of anger which needs to be addressed. I am
also very high on FC(9) as I love to sing, dance, travel,
swim and sports. I have RC (5) if someone tries to
interfere with my independence. I have very little CC (3)
which sometimes have to be displayed in office in front of
my boss.
My NP is (5) and my FP is (6), these are displayed when I
am dealing with my neighbourhood kids. They have
uncle-nephew relationship with me. So I give them love
wherever required however sometimes need to give them
tough love so that they do not get carried away and
forget their studies.

Ego state: Notes for change

I am now observing that my RP is affecting my
relationships. I feel that I am doing so much for the
people however they percive it as something
unnecessary and uninviting. Hence they try to be either
away from me or they totally ignore me. I need to change
this to either FP or practice what I learnt in REBT which is
never advise.

Need to work on my CP as well, I need to be tolerant with

people. Especially my Father. He is 65 year old who is not
well-versed with technology and neither is interested in it.
Also he has hearing issues. What happens is if I speak
loudly he thinks I am shouting. If I speak slowly he is
unable to hear. He also does not want to wear hearing aid
as it is against his reputation of being healthy even at this
age.
So its challanging to deal with him, will use more of NP
with him and have decided to speak with him in writing
so that no need to shout and can convey message
without hurting him. Need to control my RC as I others
sometimes find it very arrogant though my intension is
not to hurt them. But need to learn about Non violent
communication and execute that while dealing with
people. Also need to use CC more sometimes infront of
my boss as she is high on CP. The same CC can be used
sometimes when my Father is shouting on me as it will
help to calm the situation.

Transactional Styple
Transactional Styple: Observations about self

My preferred transactional style is Crossed transaction, as

I love to be witty and hence I try to given answers from A
state. E.g. This happens with my interaction with my
Father, as he speaks with me in CP and expects the
answer in CC however I try to give my answer in A
however it sometimes results in RC. Sometimes in A. I
fully try to avoid duplex transactions, as I hate them.
Somehow these are very intolerable for me.

My father knows this and sometimes knowingly use these

type of transaction as He has incident hunger due to
which he lovers to play games. He knows I will be
intimidated when he will use duplex tranactions.

Transactional Styple: Notes for change

I think though I prefer crossed transactions; I may do it
with caution. As mentioned in the book (Essential TA by
Dr. Aman Bhonsle) ; this crossed word may not always
have negative caution.

Good Example is mentioned in the book, which I can

relate with as most of the time my Father starts the
conversation with CP state, expectinig me to be either CC
or RC however I can remain cool and calm and answer
with A.

Life Positions
Life position: Observations about self

I think my life position is I’m Ok- You’re not OK. As

mentiond earlier due to my previous spiritual practice ,
there is tendancy to judge people as fallen or non Godly.
So hence if anything goes wrong I can blame them. When
it comes to deal with my Father; I know that he is very
weak in his spiritual practice so tend to sometimes judge
him as poor and fallen however it may result in RP and
eventually CP in me.

Also dealing with people, sometimes with junior I tend to

be Cp as I think because they are not ok , they have to be
told how to be ok or get the work done by myself as these
nutt heads will never understand as they are fallen.

Life position: Notes for change

To achieve the target of , I’m OK, YOU’RE OK Life position,
I need to learn to be non judgemental about people. Need
to be more patient and accept my own and their Human
limitations. Also peple can help themselves, so need to be
overly helpful to them, thinking that they are not ok. They
may not be ok right now but they will find their way to be
ok. Just need to be patient. Same goes with my Father,
though he is 65 year old. He is quite healthy still. He can
take care of himself atleast at this stage. So need to be
overly helpful and mess things up with him otherwise it
gets counterproductive results.

Script and Script processes

Script and Script processes: Observations about self

I think I have a loser script. Even though I have succeded

in achieving some significant goals in my life after I quit
my previous spiritual organization, one of the scripts I
received from them is loser’s script which was also
adding into my childhood’s contion of loser’s script.
As a intial part of my childhood; I recived lot of over
pampering from my parents as both of them acted as RP.
So it disempower me to do anything. So due to which I
failed to succeed in any sports though I was very good at
my academics. I was always getting either first or second
rank. So my parents wanted me to be good at academics
but neglected completely about success at sports and
other extrac curricular activities.

Due to their ower pampering I was very weak at sports

and I was teased a lot due to my weakness in sports. Not
only teased but ridiculed and embarrased badly. At the
early childhood they never took me to jogging or to Gym,
hence till the age of 10 I was physically weak person
which reinforced loser’s script.

My script process is until script process. Due to this I have

tendancy to procrastinate certain important aspects or
tasks of my life and I say to myself until I figured out this;
I will not be able to execute this critical task or until I
achieve this; I will not do this absolutely important work.

Example: Due to this I developed a perpetual habit of

doing everything on either last day or last minute. Due to
which I am unable to achieve my target or though
sometimes I achieve the target but at the mercy of many
other important things which are missed.

Script and Script processes: Notes for change

I know to change this script and script process need to
put lot of hard work and no overnight changes or short
term results will occur.

I need to watch lot of inpirational movies and read lot of

inspirational books so that I devlop a winning script
however I also need to keep caution while watching as to
avoid any irrational thoughts or events shown in such
films or irrational concepts discussed in the books like “
The Secret”

To change the script process of Until; Need to prioratize

my work. Read and implement management books like 7
habits of highly effective people or attend the course on
time managemement. Also need to set some small
targets initially in order to take baby steps towards my
winning script. Also need to develop self awareness and
try to practice here and now, the concept of “ Being
Present” which is explained well in the book by Eckhart
Tolle the “ Power of Now”.

Drivers
Drivers: Observation about self

I have observed and found that I have 3 of the below

mentioned

Try hard

Be perfect

Please others
I try too hard many times and hence it affect my mental
as well as physical health. Sometimes expect others also
to work hard. Same goes with be perfect drive where I
try to be as perfect as I can so I push myself too much
not caring about the timeline about my own well being.

So I expect others also to be perfect which results in

conflict. Also I am higth on RP so have tendancy to please
others. This is not fullfilling at all.

Drivers: Notes for change

For be perfect drive, I need to use allowers, to accept my

unique strength and weakness as a human. Its ok to
make errors as I get opportunity to learn from it.

For try hard driver, need to use “Be realistic” allower. I

am ok with my sincere effort at the time available. I stay
ok when I remain dynamic and act, and also enjoy the
joureny as I go along.

For please others driver; I need to use allower “Be

authentic”, Its ok if I am honest with myself and others
about my choices and preferences. I remain ok if I
express my valid needs, my true feelings and personal
opinions.

Stroking profile
Stroking profile: Observations about self
I have explored and found out that I don’t ask for strokes
from my intimate ones. I simply expect them to
understand my feelings and search for strokes. Due to my
drivers like “ Please others”, I don’t feel comofortable if I
win a award or appreciation. E.g. I will say “ Allah
meherbaan to Gadaah pehelwan” if I receive appreciation
as from previously quit practice of spirituality, every
credit was given to God but self was neglected totally.

Stroking profile: Notes for change

I think I need to spend quality time with my Father and

intimate friends. Its not that easy as situations were quite
tensed few days back. However few small steps will help.
Also it is ok to received strokes. It doesn’t make me a
lesser man. My father will accept the new change in me if
I less RC towards him and more authentic and confident ,
in fact more of A.

Injunctions
Injunctions: Observations about self
Don’t succed, Don’t, Don’t be close, Don’t be child, Don’t
be important, Don’t grow up.
The above mentioned are some of the injuctions I have
due to some issues in my childhood of wrong parenting.
Don’t succed is because my Father thought I had better
opportunities than what he had in his childhood. Don’t is
because in my early childhood as I was alone child of
parents, they were over protective towards me. Don’t be
close because of my mother’s spiritual practice she did
not allow myself to come closer to her. Same goes for
Don’t be important, this was because of religious reason
where we are asked to be as simple and not important.
My father was more attached to me as a kid than a grown
up one hence this injunction of “ Don’t grow up”
developed. My mother wanted me to be a mature kid
always hence “Don’t be child” injunction developed. Also
I was good at paining and other creative work like music
however they wanted to me to be engineer hence “ Don’t
be you” was delveoped.

Injunctions: Notes for change.

There is lot of need for change.These are the patterns
that I have. To change this I need to accept myself as I
am with my unique strenghts and limitations. Also it is ok
for me to accept strokes. I will be more authentic with my
Father as well as other initimate friends. I need to
harness my FC which was kind of suppressed in my
childhood. So it seems that there is need to lot of EUA
and self exploration with myself.
Hungers
Hungers: Observations about self
I have contact, stimulus and sexual hunger. First contact
hunger is because of the injunction “ Don’t come close”
injunction. Second one is quite prevalent as I love seeing
beauty of nature. I love to hear classical music. I love to
swim. I love to smell aroma of earth and flowers. So for
many years I just kept it supressed. But realized it then
result in lot of stress and depression. Also due lack of sex
education at right age and wrong assosiation of friends at
teen age resulted in sexual hunger.

Hungers: Notes for change.

I need to pursue my hobbies of travelling, trecking,
swimming, listening to classical music, attend Music
events, watch movies, visit gardens or flower places; This
will help me to deal with stimulus hunger. For contact
hunger, asking for strokes is good. Healthy strokes
exchange between friends is also welcome for me. Need
to work on this hunger. For sexual hunger; guidance from
experienced Doctor Bhonsle is good. Meanwhile reading
his and Dr. Minnu Mam’s book on sexuality.
Time structuring
Time structuring: Observations about self
I spent too much time in withdrawl and rituals. I have also
spent some pastiming with my intimate friends but
without authenticity due to please others drive. I was in
withdwawl because of my break off. After withdrwal I
enganged myself in toutine activities as they would help
me keep busy so I felt as if I have forgotten about my
break off.

Time Structuring: Notes for change.

I need to spend more quality time with myself, e.g.
Meditate, Journalling. As Dr. Minnu Mam says “Pen down
your pains”.

This helps a great deal. Also need to make good schedule

which will not only take care of exercise so my body
remains fit, it should also inculde recreational activities
like watching movies, and other of my hobbies. I also
need to spend quality time with my aging Father. I can
plan watching movie with him as it had been a long time
that we watched movie together. Also I will be more
authentic if I go on a date with any girl, its ok if I be
myself there.

Discounting
Discounting: Observations about self
I am part of a family where instincts are discounted and
do does the options. Due to which I developed loser’s
script as I was discounting optios many times. My father
has “ Be strong” driver hence ne many times discounted
many serious problems; to show the world that he has
withstood the tough situations. Due to all these situations
around me I also developed similar discounting
behaviours.

Discounting: Notes for change.

I need to more authentic rather than disregarding the
situations. Need to develop my A so that I will be more
rational about my own feelings and will develop more
structured approach to problem solving with all facts
taken into consideration. I should go for hobbies withoud
discounting my stimulus hunger.

Racket Feeling
Racket Feeling: Observations about self
I noticed that my racket feeling is that of Anger. This
happens when my father asked me to repeat my
statements 4-5 times as he has hearing issues. Then I
shout but he names it as arrogant. This angers me more.
Due to this I have hard time with my juniors as inspite of
telling them commit lot of mistakes which angers me.

Racket Feeling: Notes for change.

I see there is constant Mr. Fix thought is there with me;
this seems to hide behind the feeling of anger. I think that
with my words of wisodm world will change, this is quite
irrational but it is there. Needs to work on this racket
feeling of Mr. Fix it and then when Mr. Fix it gets
frustrated then it becomes angry. I need to be more
forgiving towards myself as well as others when they
commit mistakes, due to be perfect driver; it seems
tough but not impossible. With patient self exploration
and EUA prinicples learnt in Robert Charchoff, I guess will
be able to make it.

Racket Feeling
Racket Feeling: Observations about self
I noticed that my racket feeling is that of Anger. This
happens when my father asked me to repeat my
statements 4-5 times as he has hearing issues. Then I
shout but he names it as arrogant. This angers me more.

Due to this I have hard time with my juniors as inspite of

telling them commit lot of mistakes which angers me.
Racket Feeling: Notes for change.
I see there is constant Mr. Fix thought is there with me;
this seems to hide behind the feeling of anger. I think that
with my words of wisodm world will change, this is quite
irrational but it is there. Needs to work on this racket
feeling of Mr. Fix it and then when Mr. Fix it gets
frustrated then it becomes angry. I need to be more
forgiving towards myself as well as others when they
commit mistakes, due to be perfect driver; it seems
tough but not impossible. With patient self exploration
and EUA prinicples learnt in Robert Charchoff, I guess will
be able to make it.

Favourite Games
Favourite Games: Observations about self
“NIGYSOB and I told you so”.I usually wait for my juniors
to commit mistake and then shout at them how they
were not paying attention to my instructions. NIGYSOB is
the game which is played between me and my Father.

This has resulted in chronic, ill relationship between me

and my father. These games started controlling my life
like hell. Need to work on them seriously.
Favourite Games: Notes for change.
Now after TA course, I have realized that I can be free of
these patterns. If I come to know that game is starting
due to my Dad’s incident hunger then I can peacefully
walk out of the game respectfully. I tried it recently it
really works. I need to take fully responsibilty of my
feelings rather than blaming other and get rid of this “ I
told you so” game. Need to be more patient,
understanding my own and other’s human limitations.