Introduction

You will find below a list of situations where people usually find
difficulty in communicating effectively. They vary in difficulty from
individual to individual.

Please score them in relation to the one which you find most challenging
and work through them to the one you find least challenging.

1 = Most challenging; 10 = Least challenging:

Gaining credibility and respect from others.

Acting confidently even when you are feeling intimidated.

Giving negative feedback in a positive, constructive way.

Speaking up in groups, presentations and meetings.

Defusing and redirecting anger and defensiveness in others.

Getting and keeping the floor.

Turning resistance into co-operation.

Staying composed and responding constructively, even when

emotions threaten to overwhelm you.

Setting and maintaining reasonably limits.

Receiving criticism without getting hooked.

© Brian Kelly 2004

What were you hoping for when you decided to take part in this
workshop?

What did you expect to gain from it?

What specific changes did you want this workshop to help you make?

1. Instead of;

I want to;

2. Instead of;

I want to;

3. Instead of;

I want to;

4. Instead of;

I want to;

© Brian Kelly 2004

 Conflict Questionnaire?
Your Task: Work through the following exercise to help you identify how
you handle conflict.
Tick all the statements that reflect your personal approach.

1. I usually try to win my point. ¨

2. I will often give way to others with more powerful arguments. ¨

3. Unless I think the issue is really important, I will avoid conflict. ¨

4. If I think I’m right, I`ll not concede to anyone. ¨

5. I think conflict is best resolved when everyone gives up something

they want. ¨

6. I won’t give up until we have both got most of what we want. ¨

7. I fear conflict and prefer to find ways of avoiding it. ¨

8. Unless everyone wins, conflict is unhealthy. ¨

9. It is better to get the conflict out in the open so it can

be dealt with constructively. ¨

10. Nobody can get all they want, there has to be some middle ground. ¨

11. I am not really interested in the needs of my opponent. ¨

12. I think it is usually best to keep conflicting issues “under the carpet”. ¨

13. In conflict I expect to give ground and I expect the other person
to do the same. ¨

14. I usually ask for more than I want knowing that we will have to
compromise. ¨

15. It is rarely worth my while to strike out for my needs. ¨

16. I would rather give in than have a fuss. ¨

17. As long as we both get something that we want, I’m satisfied. ¨

© Brian Kelly 2004

18. There is usually a different way of looking at issues so that we
are all winners and nobody is a loser. ¨

19. I’m not really interested in winning at the expense of the other person. ¨

20. I rarely care about something, to want to make an issue of it. ¨

21. Once the shouting starts, I will give way. ¨

22. I usually think my point of view is more important that others. ¨

23. Once I sense conflict is coming, I try to change the subject or leave. ¨

24. It may take time, but I will keep working at it until we are both satisfied
with the outcome. ¨

25. I believe that if we take the time to understand each other’s needs, we
can both get most of what we want. ¨

26. When conflict starts, I find a reason to leave the room. ¨

27. I expect others to give way when I want something and make a good
case for it. ¨

28. I usually think other people’s needs are more important than mine. ¨

29. Usually there is a deal to be found if we are both prepared

to give up something. ¨

30. I will use whatever tactic will work to get my way. ¨

© Brian Kelly 2004

SCORING TABLE

Question
B
3
Question
7 C
2
12 Question
15 D
20 5
16 Question
23 10 E
19 6
26 13 Question
21 8
14 1
28 9
Total 17 4
18
29 11
Total 24
22
25
Total 27

30
Total

Total

© Brian Kelly 2004

STYLE PROFILE

If you have scored more that Five in any particular style you use that
style quite a lot. The higher the score the more you predominately
use that style.

A = Avoiding No change, Fear Driven

B = Accommodating Resentment, People Pleaser

C = Compromising Resentment x2, Limited Resources

D = Collaborating Win-Win. Long Lasting Satisfaction

E = Competing Win-Lose, Anger, Litigation

Questions to ask yourself based on this exercise.

Do I agree with this profile?

If I do not agree, what do I think my style is?

Whether this is right or wrong in my opinion what action can I take to

improve my conflict handling skills?

A Further check:

Ask a friend who knows you well and whom you trust to answer the
questions on the test on your behalf.

© Brian Kelly 2004

Gaining Credibility and Respect from others.

J Take yourself seriously: Treat yourself with respect:

Be Assertive in your Verbal Communication

Assertive Non-Assertive

Make Statements Ask Questions

Avoid trivial flowery Use trivial flowery
modifiers modifiers
Avoid Disclaimers Use Disclaimers
(take responsibility)
Show a sense of humour Fail to show a sense of humour
Use appropriate, reciprocal Use inappropriate nonreciprocal
disclosure. disclosure

Be Assertive in your Non-verbal Communication

Assertive Non-Assertive

Take up more space Take up the least amount of space

Use expansive gestures
Generally, keep head straight
Avoid smiling to placate
Use direct eye contact
Speak with sufficient volume
possible
Keep gestures small, close to your body.
Frequently tilt head to side
Use smiles to placate
Look down or away in challenging
situations
Speak too softly

© Brian Kelly 2004

The Process of Change

1. Recognition of need;

You discover an area where your skills cannot deliver

what you require.

2. Gaining awareness and skills needed;

Reading, training, personal development, exposure to

information.

3. Practise, Practise, Practise, Practise, Practise,

Practise, Practise, Practise, Practise, Practise,
Practise, Practise, and then you practise some more.

The new behaviours or actions will become part of you when

you use them enough.

One action repeated for a period of 28 days continuously

becomes a habit.

A habit continued for a period of months becomes a part of your

character.

Character shapes our Destiny

© Brian Kelly 2004