Professional Documents
Culture Documents
By Alain de Botton
We’re not asking for adulation. Our flaws are beyond doubt. We just need
our compensating merits to be given a bit more weight once in awhile. We
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won’t mind being criticised or corrected quite so much if we feel that, every
now and then, the other person has properly grasped our upsides as well. A
burst of appreciation will embolden both of us for the more critical moments
ahead.
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The point is: we need to explain what works for us and hear what works
for the other. Once we’ve got a clearer sense of how we each want comfort
to be effectively delivered, we can try to adjust our style in order actually to
be – rather than merely want to be – nice.
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news. Maybe a parent disappointed us badly, and we aren’t nowadays very
good at trust and the business of letting our guard down.
A knowledge of intimate histories shifts our ideas of what the other
person is doing, when they are annoying or disappointing. They’re not just
being difficult – they are struggling with the complex legacy of a past we still
don’t know enough about, just as they don’t know enough about ours.
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(and often anxiously) devoted to our work. We could have strong views on
how long it is OK to keep a taxi waiting, whether bedroom windows should
be kept open at night or what time a child needs to go to bed (to start
sketching a potentially endless list).
Recognising where we are inflexible and where we are very demanding
won’t solve all the points of contention. But it can hugely and decisively
change the atmosphere. We should both never be done with the business of
apologising for how tricky we are to be around.
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This is safe moment in which to reveal some of these – typically entirely
unintentional – hurts. Maybe last month there was something around work,
or their mother, or the way they responded to a fairly innocent enquiry in the
kitchen before work.
It’s vital that the partner doesn’t step in and deny that the hurt took
place or start to move the blame back or indeed remark that the hurt is too
small to take seriously.
There is no such thing as a hurt that is too small. If it was felt, it is
legitimate.
What matters is that each person can be heard and can lay out areas
where the other wounded them more than they’ve to date been able to
explain.
This exercise shouldn’t reignite problems. It should help solve them once
and for all – and should be repeated regularly, as often as once a week.
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The whole point of sex is to be liberated from the rules and demands of
ordinary life. It’s meant to be naughty and, if it’s going well, even perhaps a
bit sick-sounding.
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a film, it might be deeply enjoyable to inhabit the lair of ruthless criminal;
though in reality you are peaceable and law-abiding.
Other people’s fantasies frequently sound a bit crazy – and so, of course,
must our own. But odd though they can appear, sharing fantasies is central
to our capacity for sexual excitement and closeness. They’re not just an
optional extra. They’re part of what our partner needs to understand about
us for us to be turned on (by which we really mean: to be intimate and
loving).
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I’d actually like to eat a whole packet of the chocolate biscuits you
mocked in the supermarket
You know I said the cleaner accidentally broke your mug with the
smiley face on it; actually it was me. I didn’t mean to. I’m really sorry.
I particularly like it when you wear those kinds of shoes.
Increasingly, I get very anxious about not making it to the bathroom in
time.
I find the national anthem uplifting.
I’ve always fancied buying a huge water pistol
Everyone is foolish in lots of ways. Admitting our own illnesses and quirks
isn’t designed to be humiliating. It doesn’t take away from any of our real
strengths and merits. Ideally, we discover that our partner isn’t surprised, or
that they knew already, or that they find these details (which we worried so
deeply were ridiculous) actually rather endearing.
15. There are a few small things about you that drive
me crazy…
Couples almost inevitably get maddened with each other around what
look (on the surface) like absurdly small matters. An otherwise quite
reasonable and decent person might admit that what drives them crazy
about their partner includes: they press too hard on the chopping board;
they don’t put their seat belt on until after the car is started; in their
handwriting ‘b’ and ‘h’ are practically indistinguishable; they think that there
is a right and a wrong way to squeeze a toothpaste tube; they use the word
the word ‘tragic’ to mean ‘sad’; they leave drawers fractionally open; when
they drink a glass of water they gulp it down and say ‘ahh’.
Our reactions seem wildly out of proportion – even at times, to ourselves.
We get very worked up and then feel crazy.
But rather than tell ourselves we are stupid to get worked up, we could,
instead, try to give our partner a very calm and careful account of why this
thing bothers us. This is useful because – of course – it’s not the irritating
detail itself that’s troubling us. It’s what it represents in our minds – which
may indeed be worth a big discussion. The little things sit on top of large
fears about the partner. That they may be callous or sloppy, rigid or
sentimental…
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But our partner can’t know our fears. They can’t know that
indistinguishable letters (such a small issue!) stands for ‘getting away with
not trying’. Or that not putting the seatbelt on before starting (which we
know really isn’t a danger) upsets us because in our heads it suggests
(however strange it sounds): ‘I don’t give a damn about authority’.
We’re not justifying our irritation over tiny things: we’re explaining our
fears and thereby lessening their impact in the relationship.
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easy for us to come up with a list on the spur of the moment. That’s partly
because we’re so familiar with the way we happen to be now and find it hard
to hold onto a fully accurate picture of what we were like before we got
together with them.
We naturally, though unfortunately, lose sight of the contribution they
have made to our lives. And – of course – that contribution typically gets
swamped by our awareness of the ways in which they’re not currently
helping us as much as we’d like.
One of the odd things about gratitude is that it may be directed towards
people and things that were rather unpleasant at the time. We might – in
retrospect – be grateful to a teacher at school who pushed us hard to
perform better. Similarly, we can be not only grateful for ways our partner
has been nice to us, but also for ways they’ve been good for us.
We need to jog our own memories and help each other come to a fairer,
more precise view of our lives together.
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When you are playing with the children and saying good night to them
When you get embarrassed about not knowing any geographical facts
(one time you confused Greenland and Alaska)
Each of these moments is a trigger for a wider set of thoughts and
feelings: their kindness, their innocence, their endearing silliness, their
vulnerability, their moments of great gentleness, humility and generosity.
Which are all entirely true and sit alongside everything else – waiting to be
noticed and properly loved.
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and admit that you are quite difficult in certain ways – so that there wouldn’t
be a gradual unfolding of frustration and disappointment. Perhaps in this
fantasised new first date you’d be interested in getting to know quite
different things about your partner. You’d maybe want to learn a lot more
about their childhood (and especially it’s difficult parts – not just the happy
memories).
But, perhaps also, you might want to be much nicer and sweeter than
you normally are. You might want to charm your partner, listen very
carefully to their ideas and opinions; you might be intrigued afresh by the
way they fold their hands under their chin or by the ironic way they shrug
their shoulders when telling a funny story. You’d be re-sensitized to a range
of endearing qualities that – very understandably – get neglected in daily
life.
The first date thought-experiment gets us to see our partner afresh; and
what we’re seeing is – of course – part of who they really are. We’re using an
artifice to correct the blindness that comes from being very close to another
person for a very long time.
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