Both socially and individually, either to work a day job or to self-employ, such ideas discussed over how

to succeed in climbing up the career ladder. While almost every article on the Internet glorifies owning
business, I would be completely against the argumentation. On manifesting clear perspectives over the
matter, I would like to demonstrate entrepreneurship is not for everyone.
Firstly, an array of inevitable fact faced is that failure is not an option, it is a certainty. Perennial
shortcomings, massive or minor, are destined. How hardship puts fowward challenges is never easy to
imagine, coming up with strategies to overcome difficulties is even more troublesome. Unfortunately,
people inspired to get involved by idolization do not realize the characteristics of business who as a result
might stuck in disastrously fixed arrangements. To picture the worst consequences, the being-drained-of-
property case sounds suitable.
Secondly, despite being a quick way to money, self-employment is rather fragile. Is it really worth
quitting stable jobs for establishing businesses and going bankrupt anytime? Some businessmen join
politics, becoming powerful but a prey to fear of being beaten.Competition makes very little mistakes
impossible to set right and the succession of which are total declines. And normally there is no hope of
dramatically reshape the downturn in the business cycle.
In conclusion, self-employment can ignite the idea and nurture the dream of achieving great wealth; yet
not because it is trendy, consideration and personification should be ignored.

OVERALL BAND: 6.5

Although there are attempts to use written language (passive voice, impersonal style), some parts of
the essay show spoken language (Is it really worth quitting stable jobs for establishing businesses
and going bankrupt anytime? (Questions should not be written in an essay.) | How hardship puts
fowward challenges is never easy to imagine, coming up with strategies to overcome difficulties is
even more troublesome | In academic writing, we should not put phrases giving an absolute
meaning such as never, and the overall meaning of this sentence is not clear, either. | but a prey to
fear (in a constant phobia of/ be exposed to fear of)).
Vocabulary is the strongest aspect of the essay, though they are sometimes not used correctly and
are not of written language. There are also some trivial grammar mistakes (no hope of dramatically
reshape (reshaping) | an array of inevitable fact (supposed to be facts) | and the succession of
which (we do not use “which” if there is an “and” coming before, “them” would be more correct) ).
Misuse of the phrase an array of (= a lot of) can also be seen here, as the candidate only presents
one “inevitable fact” while the readers may be expecting an array of facts here. Also, there is also
misuse of the phrase be drained of, which is equivalent to be deprived of, and therefore there is
nothing like “drained of poverty”.
The candidate shows some trouble in how she develops the ideas, which are not coherent and may
be unrelated to the topic sentence. Adding some linking devices would help, however.
Attempts should made to produce complex sentence, as the candidate has written some simple
sentence (Perennial shortcomings, massive or minor, are destined) that may sound broken and
would not achieve a high band.