To: Tim McArthurton, Sales Office Manager

From: Bill Long, Intern

Subject: RE: Revise, ASAP! Yay WEekend.

Dear Tim McArthurton:

I am very happy to have been given the opportunity to revise your email for you! Listed below
are the recommendations I have for the revision of the email.

1.) Please keep the formatting consistent!

a.) Spelling
i.) (Ex. “Carrollton” instead of “carrollton”)
b.) Punctuation
i.) (Ex. “To whom it may concern:” instead of “To Whom IT May Concern:”)
c.) Grammar
i.) (Ex. “I completely understand all of your concerns” instead of “I
personally am completly understand all of your concerns”)
2.) Please adjust the tone of the email to be more formal while keeping its uplifting quality
a.) (Ex. leaving out “hahas” and memes)
3.) Conciseness
a.) (Ex. eliminating any sentences that repeat information)

Considering the recommendations for the revision, I have provided a revised version of your
email below.

Subject Line: Urgent Social Media Policy Revision from CEO Visit

To Sales Team:

Hello everyone and happy Friday!

Last week, our CEO visited our Carrollton office and what I would consider being our top sales
office: our McKinney office. She notified me that many of us aren’t using company time wisely.
It is fine that you are off task as long as you are done with your tasks, however, you should not
leave the office. I wanted to remind everyone that our priority at the office is to meet our sales
goals. A quote I find motivating for myself is: “Don’t limit your challenges, challenge your
limits!” (However, with that being said, don’t challenge your limits on social media and
shopping!)

I completely understand all of your concerns about the need for flexible time, ways to keep
clients, and focussing on our sales goals. I think we should write a new policy for our time
off-task as we can not afford to waste too much company time. I am also completely guilty of the
tendency to go on social media just as much as the next staff member. However, that being said,
limits are limits, and that comes from the CEO.

Let’s work together to write a better policy. To write this new policy, we need to assess what key
points should be in the new policy. Such as, will gaming help us? Should we play golf? You all
know that I always say golf is networking and networking is sales. Should we screen share
everyone’s desktops on to one big monitor in the main area so that we could collaborate with
each other on sales? Please address me with any concerns.

Due to that fact that it is late Friday afternoon, please get back to me with any comments by 10
am on Saturday. Let's keep focussing on our sales goals!

Thank you,

Tim McArthurton

Sales Office Manager