HOW ARE YOU THEORY

This is one of the most common questions you’ll get asked when meeting someone or
running into someone you know. This theory points out that questions such as “how are
you?” are often not answered truthfully, nor should they be. The hypothesis is that
interlocutors monitor the situation and choose an appropriate answer. So their responses
could be positive (I feel great!), neutral (I'm ok), or negative (Not so good). However, while
the monitoring suggests that the correct answer is a negative one, the interlocutor often
chooses a neutral response instead. This is because negative responses always lead to a
“diagnostic” process where the other participant asks why the respondent is not feeling well.
This process can touch on matters that are private and information which we do not wish
everyone to have access to. Hence, if there is not a close enough relationship the respondent
may lie to avoid giving away this information. The theory drives home the point that since
the question is not seen as intrusive and the burden of deciding how much to share is squarely
on the respondent, people will on occasion have to lie. It should be noted that positive
responses may also lead to a diagnostic process, but can just as easily be ignored or
responded to with a comment like “That's good to hear.” Therefore, we can say that this
question (How are you?) can be ignored with no apparent consequences, though most of the
time a response is provided.

Different Types of Communication Behavior (Informed Hunches)

AGGRESSIVE
Aggression is defined as an unplanned act of anger in which the aggressor
intends to hurt someone or something. Aggressive communicators typically create
avoidable conflict by engaging in personal attacks and put-downs. Aggressive
communicators create a win-lose situation and use intimidation to get their own needs
met, often at the expense of others. Aggressive communicators typically feel a strong
sense of inadequacy, have a lack of empathy, and believe the only way to get their
needs met is through power and control. Aggressive communicators are usually close-
minded, are poor listeners, and tend to monopolize others.

Behaviors often seen during aggressive communication include: putting others

down, overpowering others, not showing appreciation, rushing others unnecessarily,
ignoring others, not considering other's feelings, intimidating others, and speaking in
a condescending manner.

While engaging in this type of communications, individuals typically feel

anger, superiority, frustration, and impatience. Aggressive communication often
results in counter aggression, alienation, and the creation of resistance or defiance.
Additionally, individuals on the receiving end of aggressive communication typically
feel: resentful, defensive, humiliated, hurt, and/or afraid. The aggressive
communication style is essential during emergencies or when decisions have to be
quickly made.

ASSERTIVE
Assertiveness is described as the ability to appropriately express one's own
wants and feelings. Assertive communication is thought to be the halfway point
between passive communication and aggressive communication. Assertive
communication is based on the belief that each individual is responsible for his or her
own problems; therefore they are responsible for directly communicating these
problems to the other party involved. Assertive communication is a direct form of
communication that respects both the communicator's and the receiver's rights and
opinions. Assertive communication is direct without being argumentative. Engaging
in assertive communication helps individuals avoid conflict, maintain relationships,
and usually ends in a compromise.

Behaviors that may be present when an individual is engaging in assertive

communication include: being open when expressing their thoughts and feelings,
encouraging others to openly express their own opinions and feelings, listening to
other's opinions and appropriately responding to them, accepting responsibilities,
being action-orientated, being able to admit mistakes, setting realistic goal,
maintaining self-control, and acting as an equal to those whom are on the receiving
end of the communication.

PASSIVE
Passive communication involves not expressing one's own thoughts or feelings
and putting their needs last in an attempt to keep others happy. Passive
communicators will internalize their discomfort in order to avoid conflict and to be
liked by others. This communication style is typically exhibited when individuals feel
as if their needs do not matter and that if they voice their concerns they will be
rejected. Individuals who exhibit a predominately passive communication style
usually have low self-esteem and may not be able to effectively recognize their own
needs. They tend to trust others but they do not trust themselves.

There are many behavioral characteristics identified with this communication

style. These behavioral characteristics include, but are not limited to: actively
avoiding confrontation, difficulty taking responsibilities or making decisions,
agreeing with someone else's preferences, refusing compliments, sighing a lot, asking
permission unnecessarily, and blaming others. There are also many non-verbal
behaviors that reflect passive communication. Typically, individuals engaging in a
passive communication style have a soft voice, speak hesitantly, and make themselves
very small. They also tend to fidget and avoid eye contact.

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE
The Passive-Aggressive style incorporates aspects of both passive and
aggressive communication styles. Individuals utilizing this style appear passive, but
act out their anger in indirect ways. People who develop this style of communication
usually feel powerless, resentful, and/or stuck. A passive-aggressive individual
exposes their anger through means of procrastination, being exaggeratedly forgetful,
and or being intentionally inefficient, among other things.

There are many behavioral characteristics that are identified with this
communication style. These behavioral characteristics include, but are not limited to
sarcasm, being unreliable, frequent complaining, sulking, patronizing, and gossiping.
Non-verbal behaviors, such as posture or facial expression, can also reflect passive-
aggressive communication.
 Typically, individuals engaging in passive-aggressive communication have
asymmetrical posture and display jerky or quick gestures. They may also have an
innocent facial expression and act excessively friendly to conceal their anger or
frustration. People on the receiving end of passive-aggressive communication are
usually left confused, angry, and hurt. They tend to be alienated from others because
they elicit these unpleasant feelings. A passive-aggressive communication style does
not address and properly deal with the pertinent issues or problems. This maladaptive
problem-solving style keeps passive-aggressive communicators in a state of
powerlessness, resulting in continued passive-aggression.

Examples of Passive-Aggressive Language/Behavior include wistful

statements, backhanded compliments, purposefully ignoring or saying nothing,
leaving someone out, sabotaging someone, and muttering to oneself instead of
confronting the issue.

Reference:

Behavioral communication. (2020, July 30). Retrieved October 13, 2020, from
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Behavioral_communication