Creating Something for Yourself:

Then And Now

Jackson Hohler

Does a statement like “It’s hard not to have an audience these days” sound weird to
you? I mean it does feel weird to say, but when critically thinking about my past writing it was a
thought that came to mind. Think about it, we as people in today's society had and will have
many different audiences throughout our lives. Writing this school paper for instance, one of
many times that I have had an audience during my time in academia. I am sure we're all familiar
with this, and that at many points in our lives we've had audiences to consider. Not just
scholarly, but in other aspects of life as well. When selling something online, or when making a
post on social media. We have many audiences throughout our lives, and it's a little
overwhelming to think about. Maybe even slightly claustrophobic, in a sense an audience can
seem like opportunity but could easily just be a cage as well.
So then what happens when you don't have an audience? When something is more
personal and not made for others. Essentially you are catering to yourself, creating something
for just you are you not? How is this different from the day to day interactions with our many
different audiences. In a way this has to be more freeing then in a school paper, right? It has to
be, and It most certainly is. Because I'm not keeping another person in my mind when writing.
My mind is clear of the opinions of others, I'm all free up for the idea.
And I've had a lot of ideas over the years. Podcasts, novels, comic books, etc. But for a
long time I was especially interested in video games. I love to play them and would often
daydream about a few of my own ideas. Now this was a much younger version of myself, more
outlandish ideas and less structure to my work. I'll introduce you to one of those ideas, titled
"Salem", about a witch hunter who was hunting witches in Salem Massachusetts during the
witch trials. LIke many Ideas, this one started like a lightning strike, instantaneous and
electrifying. If you've ever had one of those million dollar business ideas you'd probably know
the feeling. However these moments are full of creation, but not necessarily well thought out
and complete ideas.
These notes are a great example of this, they are absolutely full of incomplete thoughts
and unfinished ideas. Though you can read through all the notes, if you really wished to, I want
to show you this little excerpt. Describing the opening sequence to the game.

fade into scene. Unidentifiable person in full womens puritan clothing walking on a path
through a ominous forest. The person stops for some reason(???) . After doing
whatever, player can take control, where a small tutorial takes place explaining basic
controls (move(wasd), interact(e or click), etc) with some incentive to move forward.
player walks down path , music slowly fades and images start to show up(maybe)

It's very apparent, but I highlighted them anyways, where I was at a loss for ideas. Now
normally if you didn't have an idea for something, you'd ponder on it or think of something else.
However like I said this is like a lightning strike, a flash of inspiration that does not have time to
stop and think. So in that moment where I just had to keep writing, I left little notes to myself.
Little pockets of potential greatness flagged by parenthesis. The first one especially, with three
question marks to show that I had absolutely no clue what to put there. I had always assumed
that I'd return and fill it in.
Now I want to go through the counterpart to the "Salem" document, the notes page.
Definitely more organized by first glance. What is most noticeable about this document in
contrast to the other is that it is divided into sections. Descending in order we start with Newest
thoughts, then Concepts, Ideas, TBD (to be determined), references and sources. Now the first
four sections are literally the same thing, new ideas for the game that haven't really become set
in stone. And the last are as titled, references I was taking inspiration from. These were other
games, movies, folklore and other media. Seemingly this document was put together with some
thought and structure. However, it's written just like the other one, in one shot. Now I did go
back at times and add things as I thought of them to this notes page, but reading it you can see
that the sections and ideas flow into each other. Like one thought came after another, and just
like before there are plenty of "pockets" that I left for future Jackson to come and fill back in.
Here is another example of this, from the Concepts section where I was trying to flesh out what I
wanted the witch enemies to be like in the game.

Witches may live alone or with at most maybe two other witches. Their is
no witch community, and they never meet without purpose.
As stated before, they like to keep to themselves (usually). However all(or maybe
most) witches are hostile when you trespass on their
territory, especially with a hostile intent (IE to kill them)

THings that witches can do:

-summon creatures (demons, spirits, IDK right now)
-Curses

So we can see that, where I was at the time as a writer and creator, I was not really the
best at making notes. But this doesn't matter in this situation. Bringing it back to the beginning, I
wasn't writing for anyone, these notes were being made for me. To fulfill a need to create and to
give myself a satisfactory feeling of progress towards dreams and goals. So it didn't matter that
they were messy or full of holes, it made sense to me. The lack of real focus and structure left
me open to think and create in the moment without any roadblocks to cloud my mind.
This brings me to my goal for this paper, which was to see If I could recreate this mental
environment again at this time in my life. So I exercised my creativity muscles and created a
project titled "Starbound". It's an ironically titled game about being stranded in deep space on a
ship. I have to say it was truly reminiscent of those times in the past, but it just wasn't the same.
From an outside viewpoint it looks more put together, better structured, with less "gaps" and
more complete thoughts. I couldn't really catch that "lightning" feeling and didn't write in the
same way. I was losing focus if I hit a snag in thought, and I just had an impulse to revise as I
went. This difference in process shows that I have had many more years of experience. That
the times I had to write for a class or for work, and the situations that I was put in molded me
into a different writer now. I'm not upset about this, it shows that I've grown and matured, and
my creativity hasn't been hurt in the process. However it seems that the old writer in me is gone
now, but am I far off to say I am not alone?
 At this point is where I'm left thinking that it's harder today to not have an audience, than
it is to gain one. With a push of a button, thousands of people could see something I've posted
online. Sure I still create for myself all the time, but it's like I have an audience ingrained now.
One that makes me second guess my choices and revise my work. Always having the thought
"what if someone sees this?". Where once I had more freedom, today I am more reserved. And
like many problems I think I alone have, I discover that there always tend to be others that share
it. So maybe having an audience isn't as great as we perceive, and maybe this is what's slowly
killing the creator in me.

Game note references:

Salem
Salem Notes
Star Bound
Project Reflection

For this project I focused on a certain part of my life, where I was creating and writing for
myself. Something I haven’t done in years, but have recently picked up again in the form of a
self journal. However I didn’t really want to write about my journal or give any details out
because it is very private. So I had to reach into my past, and I can tell you there were not a lot
of options to really look at that would make for a compelling paper. So I decided to reflect on
some old notes from when I had different goals and aspirations. What struck me about these
was the process I went through when creating them. I had plenty of material to analyze, but
what I really wanted was to put myself back into that era of writing for me. I wanted to get a
better sense of how emotionally I felt in those times, and how it may have affected my writing
process.
What I actually got was a realization that I had changed as a writer since then. It was so
much like how I remember, but it was just a picture of what it used to be. I felt like I almost got
back there mentally and emotionally when I tried to brainstorm something new. A new vision I
never had before for a game, which I feel turned out well. I could reminisce on the late nights
staying up, and the urgent feeling to get things written down before they were forgotten forever.
I realized that I wasn’t the same writer, that I’ve grown a lot just through life experience. My
passion for that alternate future was gone, but my creativity was still intact though it was
different in ways. So I think it was a nice exercise in remembering a part of me I haven’t used in
years. And if I can continue to remember then it will be a great asset for the future.