R E C L A I M YO U R

AU T H E N T I C S E L F
By Dr. Amanda Robins

10 S T E P S TO H E A L I N G F O R DAU G H T E R S O F N A R C I S S I S T I C M OT H E R S
 05 06
CONTENTS

What is Is Your Mother

Narcissism? a Narcissist

09 10
It’s Not YOUR Tell Me All
Shame Your Patterns

11 25
The 6 Strategic Am I a
Steps to Heal Narcissist?

26 27
Contact or
Should I have No Contact?
Therapy?

28 29
Your Releasing Your
Siblings Recovery Goddess
 INTRODUCTION
In his book on traumatic narcissism,
psychotherapist Daniel Shaw discusses the
trauma of lack of recognition in childhood that
lies at the heart of pathological narcissism.
In order to understand and appreciate others
as subjects in their own right, we ourselves
need to have experienced this understanding
and appreciation in early childhood.
Without these things, we can never develop a
strong and healthy sense of self. And without
a strong sense of self, relationships are difficult
and painful and in some cases impossible.
Being raised by narcissists is not the same
as dating a narcissist, or having a narcissistic
boss, neighbour, friend or sibling. Although
these relationships can also be traumatising,
having a narcissistic mother is very different.

“To feel seen, understood, cared about, paid attention to, affirmed, supported and
lovingly cherished is crucial to development.” - Daniel Shaw

03
 A LITTLE ABOUT ME
I was raised in a narcissistic home.
My mother was a covert or collapsed narcissist.
Needy, manipulative and demanding, she was
hard to understand and even harder to please.
No matter what I did I couldn’t find the magic
formula to gain her approval. I was the Golden
Child. It seemed like I could do no wrong,
especially to my siblings, but underneath, it
was all a lie. Although I appeared to be the
favoured one, showered with attention and
affection, the cost was high.
I started having therapy to help me understand
and cope with this major life-crisis.
As the therapy unfolded, I came to realise the
depth of my trauma - and the extent of my
mother’s problems.
So that’s why I know I can help you.I went from
being unemployed, scared and angry to having
the self-compassion and commitment to start
and succeed at my own business and really
enjoy my relationships and my creativity.

My mother needed me to be perfect and no

matter how hard I tried I couldn’t live up to
the standards she set. Her disapproval was
just as stunning as the conditional love she
offered and she was often filled with rage at
innocent mistakes and imperfections. At the
same time she could be incredibly fragile,
desperate for attention and approval and
angry when it wasn’t forthcoming. Her moods
were unpredictable.

Initially I thought that career success was the

answer to my feelings of worthlessness and fear.
I worked hard at my art practice and promoting
my work. Although it was challenging, I had
some success and eventually landed a job as
a full-time academic in visual arts. But it didn’t
last.

I was thrown unprepared back into the pile of

sessionals and found myself on the treadmill
of applying for ongoing work, but continually
getting knockbacks. Eventually, I made the life-
changing decision to retrain in social work. Dr. Amanda Robins

04
1. WHAT IS NARCISSISM?
Narcissism is a fundamental problem with
identity or self. People who are narcissistic
are empty inside. They have few boundaries
and very poor self-esteem. They may project
confidence and grandiosity (a sense of power,
success and superiority) but these projections
are just a defence against underlying feelings
of worthlessness.
They tend to want to fuse with others to prop
up their damaged sense of self. They may try
to “adopt” or take you over when they feel
you can help them appear more successful
or are displaying qualities which they see as
desirable. But they may also “spit you out”
by directing contempt and derision your way
when you let them down in some way.
Narcissists have limited ability to see other
people as separate or autonomous. They will
normally consider everything in terms of how
it relates to them. This makes it hard for them
to see or accept differences of opinion and
they often become filled with rage in response
to disagreements or criticism. It can make life
with a narcissist unpredictable, and painful.
05
 2. IS YOUR MOTHER A
NARCISSIST?
If you’re reading this book, my guess is that you
feel she is. You’ve probably always wondered
what’s wrong. You ask yourself: Is it me or her?
A narcissistic mother causes you to doubt
yourself. Her manipulation is often skilled and
subtle. She doesn’t brook disappointment, or
dissent. Download my free checklist to see if
your mother is a narcissist here.
TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOUR
MOTHER IS A NARCISSIST
1. She wants to control you.
Trying to assert yourself results in anger,
rejection and hostility. She doesn’t appreciate
your attempts to individuate as it means you
are going to be less available to serve her
needs. Does she get angry when you disagree
or don’t want to do what she wants you to
do? Does she try to make you feel guilty for
having separate interests, hobbies, desires and
opinions?
2. Her love is conditional.
A mother who is narcissistic is interested in how
you (and your achievements) reflect on her.
She wants you to succeed, but only so that she
looks good. She may even become jealous if
she feels you are doing too well. Daughters of
narcissistic mothers will often be perfectionistic
in a misguided attempt to win their mother’s
love.
3. She can’t or won’t validate your feelings.
There is very little room in her emotional
consciousness for your feelings.  If they do
something that upsets you, narcissists generally
won’t be prepared to acknowledge their mistake
or soothe your upset. They are too focused on
trying to manage the shame elicited by your
implied criticism. She may sometimes be there if
you need support, but most often she will turn it
around so that it becomes about her. For example:
“That reminds me of the time…” “You think you
have problems, I remember when…”  “I can’t listen
to you when you’re like this, it upsets me…” “I
do/have done everything for you, why can’t you
appreciate it, you ungrateful…”
4. She belittles you.
A narcissistic mother will be full of praise in
one moment, hypercritical and judgmental the
next. They can make your head spin! A narcissistic
mother knows where it hurts. She will often use
sarcasm or belittling language to humiliate you,
perhaps in front of others. She may fob off your
concern with excuses such as “can’t you take a
joke?”
5. She tries to manipulate you.
The manipulation can be quite subtle, causing you
to question your doubts and fears. She may call
you “selfish” because you don’t want to be her
maid or chauffeur 24/7 Being afraid to say no to
her because you fear her disapproval or anger is
definitely not a good sign.
6. She thinks she is above the rules.
Narcissists prefer not to have to follow the rules that
apply to us lesser mortals.  The sense of entitlement
that accompanies narcissism can manifest in
expectations of special treatment.  She might try to
get out of a parking ticket through manipulation or
06
flirtatious behaviour, then she gets angry. She
can embarrass you in the takeaway line at your
favourite coffee shop. If she is not allowed to
jump the coffee queue or secure her favourite
table at a popular restaurant, she may become
disproportionately angry.
7. She’s unpredictable.
Narcissists often wax and wane in terms of their
attention and availability. She may shower you
with affection and attention (love-bombing)
when she wants something from you and
ignore you when she is going OK. Her ability
to care about you is dependent on her own
needs rather than any genuine commitment
to you as a separate and autonomous being.
8. It’s all about how things look.
Because they are largely dependent on social
cues to manage their self-image,  narcissists will
be focussed on how things appear, and most
importantly, how they appear to those whose
opinion matters to them. Narcissistic mothers will
generally like to appear socially successful, keeping
a nice-looking home, wearing expensive clothes
and hobnobbing with the rich and famous. Your
mother might spend a lot of time trying to impress
the neighbours, her employers and others whom
she considers worth her time.
9. She can’t see your point of view.
In general, narcissistic mothers will be unwilling
to understand or even acknowledge your point of
view. She may ignore, belittle or undermine you,
often using manipulation or guilt-tripping to get her
way.
10. She’s emotionally volatile
Narcissists are often emotionally unstable,
swinging between cold rage and collapsed fragility
depending on environmental cues. Mothers with
these characteristics have very low self-esteem
underneath their bluster and will become teary or
desperate if they meet ongoing resistance.
07
A L L A B O U T YO U R M OT H E R
So you’ve decided your mother might be a
narcissist.

Congratulations!

This is the first step on your recovery journey.

But don’t be fooled. The journey won’t be
easy, nor will it be short. But it’s the only one
worth taking, by a long shot. Recognising your
mother for who she really is can be devastating,
but it can also be the first shift in a powerful
transformation.

In our early life, we need to think of our parents

as perfect. As we mature, we can slowly
encompass a more realistic picture. Parents
who are narcissistic, will inevitably traumatise
their children. They neglect and emotionally
abuse them and use them to serve their own
needs. These experiences are usually far too
challenging for young minds to incorporate.

So you split off parts of your attachment

experiences. These traumatic experiences are
not remembered directly and most survivors
of narcissistic parenting will only recall them
in the safety of a supportive therapeutic
relationship, if at all.
Of course, narcissists often co-opt others
into their own idealisations and delusions of
You may have few memories of the bad things
grandeur so it can be even more challenging
that happened or of the emotional abuse you
for daughters of narcissistic mothers to see the
suffered at the hands of your mother. As an
reality.
adult we sometimes hold onto our precious
fantasy of the perfect mother, because that is
A narcissistic mother is flamboyant, powerful
much easier than seeing the painful reality.
yet somehow fragile. She is so self-absorbed
she has no time for her children, except where
But as you mature and reflect on your lives and
she can bask in their reflected glory, or when
relationships, you find chinks in the armour,
they can serve her needs. A narcissistic mother
flaws in the perfection. Your mother isn’t the
is a dangerous damaging parent who impacts
lofty being she appears to be.
and distorts a child’s growing sense of self.

08
3. I T ’ S N OT YO U R S H A M E
Narcissists are shame averse. They will do
anything to avoid experiencing this painful and
debilitating emotion. So they project it onto
others. And that means you.

Often children of narcissists will carry chronic

shame around with them without knowing it.

Narcissists shame their children in a number of ways:

- By using shame as a parenting strategy without

any repair or soothing

- Narcissistic mothers can transmit shame

unconsciously through early eye contact, facial
expression and affective responses especially
when breast feeding.

- By projecting shame onto you as she tries to

rid herself of her bad feelings.

Just being aware of your shame is a huge step.

Don’t expect too much of yourself with this.
As a survivor of narcissistic parenting you will
probably experience shame around your trauma
symptoms, even though they are not your fault.

Be kind to yourself, including when you stuff up or take a step backwards in your recovery.

09
 4. T E L L M E A L L
YO U R PAT T E R N S
Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers often have
persistent negative and self-destructive patterns
in their lives.

What are your patterns?

Do you self-soothe with drugs, food, casual sex

or alcohol?

Do you get involved with inappropriate (including

narcissistic) men or women?

Are your friends “energy vampires”?

Do you sabotage yourself in business,

relationships or your domestic life?

It’s common for daughters of narcissistic

mothers to have “one-way” relationships with
partners, work colleagues or friends. You are
used to giving and they are used to taking. The
first step is to start setting boundaries and try
soothing yourself in ways that aren’t destructive
or dangerous.

For example, I know that when I get tired or feel

drained, I often want to eat. I have to check in
with myself to feel whether I am really hungry.
Then, if I decide that I am not actually hungry I
Make a list of your destructive patterns or
offer myself something soothing and nurturing
self-soothing habits and list some healthier
that doesn’t involve food – a hot water bottle
alternatives. Download my Patterns Worksheet
in the small of my back, going out for a walk, a
Here
bath or a cup of herbal tea.

10
 5. T H E 6 S T R AT E G I C
S T E P S TO H E A L
1.Self-care & Compassion
Being raised by narcissists stymies your ability to care
for yourself. Because you have been encouraged
to meet your narcissistic mother’s needs, looking
after yourself will feel uncomfortable, abnormal
and, well, selfish. According to theorist James
Masterson, people who have been damaged by
narcissistic parenting will often experience what
he calls “abandonment depression” when they do
anything to care for or nurture themselves. This
is because your narcissistic mother threatened
withdrawal of love when you tried to look after
yourself or meet your own needs. Your inner voice
will be telling you to go that extra mile for others,
because that is how you feel worthwhile.
Start setting aside even an hour a week JUST for
you. I don’t care if you’ve got kids, jobs, pets,
mortgages, neighbours or a global multi-million
dollar business. You can still find at least one hour
to look after yourself. But I’d like you to go further
than that. (See Step 6)
SELF-CARE MANIFESTO
I will aim to take a hot shower or
bath today or tonight.
I will eat at least one nourishing
meal while sitting down at a table
and taking my time.
I will keep myself hydrated
throughout the day and night.
I will make sure I laugh today. I
may need to call a friend who can
find humour in anything or watch a
funny show or video.
At least once today, even for just a
few moments, I will ground myself
by connecting with gratitude or
making a spiritual connection—
maybe through meditation, prayer,
yoga, deep breathing or a centring
exercise like writing or reading.
I will move my body today by
taking a short walk around the
block or up and down the stairs,
doing 10 minutes of stretching or
yoga, or dancing in the kitchen
while preparing a meal.
I will do something for myself today
that makes me feel special and
ignites inner joy.  Maybe I will treat
myself to a manicure, buy a new
fun-coloured lipstick, or meet a
friend for a walk or lunch.
I will honour my body’s need for
sleep by forgoing cleaning, laundry,
emails and cooking (dinner will just
have to be later or I will ask my
partner to cook)
11
Most women who have been raised by narcissistic mothers have a powerful inner critic. Just developing
awareness around this can be a huge step. Stopping yourself in the process of being judgemental,
critical and perfectionistic takes a lot of effort. My experience is that daughters of narcissistic mothers
are also usually perfectionistic. In a vain attempt to stave off deep-seated feelings of inadequacy,
we set standards so high that we exhaust ourselves in trying to meet them. Download my healing
perfectionism checklist HERE

2. Taming Your Inner Critic

Do you struggle with trying to get everything right?

Do you procrastinate because you are scared of not doing something perfectly?

Do you have impossibly high standards?

Do you feel guilty when you make a mistake - even a small one?

Do you have trouble relaxing?

Your need to get everything perfect could be making you sick.

10 STEPS TO GETTING OFF THE PERFECTIONISM TREADMILL

Use physical activity for relaxation, rather than competition.

Are you always looking over your shoulder while exercising? There’s a reason why gyms have mir-
rors and its not about getting a better workout. If you find yourself comparing your downward dog
to that girl with the pale pink yoga mat - stop! You’re here to relax and enjoy yourself remember?

Have a bad hair day

Yes, there is life without a hairdresser. If you spend 2 hours every day getting ready and trying
to appear perfect in the eyes of the outside world, you need to start focusing on other things! If
someone has a problem with how you look - that is their issue.

Take a day when you don’t look in the mirror.

Self-surveillance is part of the problem and we all do it constantly.

Finish a task and leave it.

Don’t fuss or edit or take it through iterations. Trust your own judgement and leave it. Contem-
porary workplaces might encourage overwork and perfectionism, but the reality is that stressed
workers are less productive and that sometimes, near enough IS good enough.

Stop procrastinating.
Procrastination is part of being a perfectionist. Tell yourself that it is OK to take a few shortcuts to
get something done and that it is better to get something started than leaving a blank page for
days when you have a deadline.

12
Take time out to do something that has absolutely nothing to do with work or self-improvement.
Watch a stupid, funny, unedifying movie, that won’t challenge you. No, you don’t have to seques-
ter your relaxation time into self-education experiences.

Become a pet owner.

Having a pet will give you permission to do things like go for long walks, play and just hang out.
Plus pets are lovingly non-judgemental.

Do Nothing
Yes, that’s right. Take a day off and do absolutely nothing that could be defined as “productive”.
Don’t clean the house. Don’t catch up on your emails. Don’t do your banking. Don’t sort out your
laundry. Don’t look after others or listen to your partner’s complaints.

Call a friend. Have lunch at a cafe you’ve always wanted to try. Read a trashy thriller. Sit in a park
and watch the world go by. Get a pedicure. Play with your cat (see above). Sleep in and have break-
fast in bed.

Give more compliments

If you start finding things to like about other people, you may also start finding things to like about
yourself.

Be kind to others
Embrace the grey area that is humanity. When someone makes a mistake, be more tolerant. Un-
derstanding and being more accepting towards others can help you take those first faltering steps
towards forgiving and accepting yourself.

13
3. Attracting The Right People

Start cleaning your relationship house. Anyone who doesn’t bother to ring you, becomes unavailable
when you need them (even though you are always there for them), undermines you, is competitive
or just takes up all of your energy should be shown the broom AND THE DOOR.

OF COURSE, I realise that it’s not always simple or easy to even recognise these patterns in our
friends or lovers, but spend at least one afternoon reflecting on your close relationships and what
you are getting out of them.

You may choose to keep some people around who are IMPERFECT (after all we all have flaws) OR
perhaps even selfish or narcissistic. That is a choice. But remember, they are unlikely to change
their ways, so it is up to you to set limits AND STICK TO THEM.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers often get

into relationships with narcissists. These
people may seem wonderful at the start.
Attentive, caring, sensitive, generous, but
slowly you come to the realisation that they
want to control and dominate you, subtly
but insidiously. Just like dear old mom.
Remember, narcissists are initially charming.

Their attention is flattering, especially if

you have been starved of affection and
attunement in your past. If you have been
raised by a narcissist, you are likely to be
much more vulnerable because you just
don’t have that sense of inner stability and
security. Nor do you understand how healthy
relationships work. Daughters of narcissistic
mothers are very vulnerable to the seductive
thrall of someone who unconsciously reminds
them of an abusive parent.

14
In the vain hope that you can rewrite your dysfunctional past, you begin a relationship with a nar-
cissist full of idealism and hope, only to slowly come to the realisation that the relationship comes
at the cost of your sense of self.

When you try to assert yourself or make changes, your partner may become angry and abusive,
trying to restore the status quo and get the relationship back onto their own terms. The narcissistic
person may use bribery, threats or manipulation to succeed in their fight for dominance and con-
trol of the relationship.

For children who have grown up with a narcissistic parent, disentangling the complex legacy of a
childhood where their sense of self was undermined is a lifelong project. Adult children of narcis-
sists may have more choices, but they will often find themselves struggling with the dilemma of
maintaining their sense of self in relationship.

If you are struggling with the impact of being in a relationship with someone who is narcissistic its
important to reflect on the choices you have. Realisation and self-awareness are the keys to living
a more fulfilling life.

15
SIGNS YOU NEED TO WATCH OUT FOR

They can’t or won’t validate your hurt feelings.

If they do something that upsets you, narcissists generally won’t be prepared to acknowledge their
mistake or soothe your upset. They are too focused on trying to manage the shame elicited by
your implied criticism.

They expect you to be available for them, but are not reciprocal in their availability.
Narcissists tend to make themselves very busy when you are sick or need their help. Although they
may initially appear to be available, this availability tends to diminish once they feel more sure of
your interest.

They want to control you.

Obviously no one starts a relationship saying they want to control their partner, but buying you a
phone so that they can check on you is probably a bad sign. They might also discourage you from
seeing your friends, monitor your social media or pressure you to spend all your time with them.
Controlling behaviour isn’t limited to narcissists, but it’s definitely a sign that a relationship is not
healthy.

They belittle you.

Narcissists will sometimes use sarcasm or belittling language to humiliate you, perhaps in front of
others. They may fob off your concern with excuses such as “can’t you take a joke?”

They might try to manipulate you.

The manipulation can be quite subtle, causing you to question your doubts and fears. Being afraid
to say no to someone because you fear their disapproval or anger is not healthy.

They think they are above the rules.

Narcissists prefer not to have to follow the rules that apply to us lesser mortals. The sense of enti-
tlement that accompanies narcissism can manifest in expectations of special treatment. If they are
not allowed to jump the coffee queue or secure their favourite table at a popular restaurant, they
can become disproportionately angry.

They are unpredictable.

Narcissists often wax and wane in terms of their attention and availability. They may shower you
with affection and attention (love-bombing) when they want something from you. Their involve-
ment is dependent on their own needs rather than any genuine commitment to you as a separate
and autonomous being.

It’s all about how things look.

Because they are largely dependent on social cues to manage their self-image, narcissists will be
focussed on how things appear, and most importantly, how they appear to those whose opinion
matters to them. So it’s OK if you like trakky daks, but if his self-important friends see you together
when you are inappropriately attired, you are in trouble.

16
They cannot see your point of view.
It is OK to disagree. But if your partner is unwilling to acknowledge your point of view or ignores,
belittles or undermines you, you need to ask yourself if they are really there for you.

If you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, then the best option is to leave while you still can.
They probably won’t change unless they see it as being in their interest. The fundamental problems
which cause narcissism are not something that can be fixed through self-reflection, although that
would be a good start. People suffering from narcissism tend not to seek therapy, unless they fear
that they will lose something important to them or reach a crisis point. Staying in relationship with
someone who is narcissistic until that happens will require patience. You may also need to accept
that you might never receive the acknowledgement you long for in your relationship.

For people suffering from severe narcissism or

Narcissistic Personality Disorder, relationships are
battlegrounds. For them, difference and challenge
are painful reminders that they are separate - and
mortal - just like the rest of us. This can bring them
back into contact with the lack of self that lies at the
heart of the disorder of narcissism. People with this
problem are reliant on social feedback to manage
their sense of self and their self-esteem. When
others disagree, criticise or challenge them, they can
become angry, their intense anger sometimes boiling
over into narcissistic rage, leaving those around them
quaking with fear. Sometimes, though, the threat
is more covert, the anger cold and controlled, but
nevertheless still there.

People suffering from narcissism are much more

comfortable in a relationship where there are
few, if any boundaries. This unhealthy merging or
enmeshment often leads them to try to manipulate
or control others as that is the only way they know
how to relate. Narcissists are not good at negotiation
or compromise. Their overall aim is to reinforce their
world view - often at the expense of the subjectivity of
those closest to them. The behaviours that accompany
this stance are usually described as gaslighting.

17
4. Grow Your Own Boundaries
For children of narcissists, setting boundaries
is one of the most important skills for surviv-
ing the trenches of daily living. (Unless you’re
on a desert island.)
But how do you have boundaries when you
don’t know who you are or what you want? If
you have grown up with narcissists you prob-
ably don’t have a strong sense of self. For
me as a trauma survivor and as a therapist,
self-awareness has always been the key to
development and growth.
As you slowly learn about yourself you will get
more in touch with how you feel and what you
want. That means you will at least contact the
part of you that knows when you want to say
“no” or set a limit.
Children of narcissists don’t learn about bound-
aries in early life, because it is not in the narcis-
sist’s interests for you to have boundaries. Re-
lationships 101 includes growing your capacity
to set boundaries.
SOME TIPS FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES
- Start small
- Try a “moratorium” (e.g. I need to think about
it or Can I get back to you on that?) rather than
saying “No” straight away if that feels like too
much. You may find it easier to use text or email
as this will be far less confronting. However, I
don’t recommend this as an ongoing strategy,
just as a start-up trick.
- Try validating the other person’s feelings, then
they might be more ready to accept your lim-
its.
- Don’t be too hard on yourself if you “cave in.”
It’s like a child learning to walk. You wouldn’t
expect them to do it perfectly the first time.
As a child you were hardwired by trauma and
this trauma comes into play in your relation-
ships, through fear of rejection, people pleas-
ing, inability to hear or say no and tangential
communication e.g. Not asking for what you
want. As you grow and develop away from the
restrictions and distortions of your narcissistic
parent, you will learn more authentic ways to
communicate.
18
5. Healing From Within - Nurturing Your Inner Child

(Exercise) anxiety when not getting enough affirmation and

For most Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers,
the wounds will be very deep.
They are often deep enough to affect your
connection to your authentic self. Getting in
touch with, and nurturing your inner child can
help you heal some of these deep wounds.
Set aside some quiet alone time to do these
exercises.
I want you to reach deep inside yourself and
check your heart. Think about yourself as a
small child. What does that little girl want?
How does she feel? This reconnection allows
you to access the fragmented parts of your-
self and can allow your natural self-compas-
sion to rise.
HEALING YOUR WOUNDED INNER CHILD
Deep within us are the memories of the expe-
riences we had as children. These memories
continue to affect our lives in the present.
Healing begins with the act of reconnecting
with your childhood.
One way to do this is to feel the feelings you
had as a child.
Try making a list of things that brought you
joy when you were young. Set aside some
time to daydream and relive these memo-
ries as though they were happening right
now.
acceptance.
The angry inner child: this child is still full of right-
eous anger at the treatment she received. She was
forced into neglect and abandonment because she
wasn’t wanted. In order to survive you had to let
her down again and again.
3. Write a letter to your inner child: 
You can do this in the form of an apology if you feel
you’re living a life that doesn’t honour or acknowl-
edge your inner child. Or you could write a letter
explaining how you would like to build a stronger
relationship with your inner child right now.
4. Pay attention to your feelings: Your inner child
is sensitive and vulnerable. It’s important to pay
attention to her fears and insecurities as well as
the joys and feelings of wonder that often come
up when connecting with her. Throughout the day,
check-in with yourself and ask, “how am I feeling
right now?”
5. Be mindful of your inner critic: One of the big-
gest challenges I faced in spending time with my
inner child was feeling silly. I’m an adult now and
it felt strange to try and connect with the feelings

2. Identify some of the aspects of your inner

child:

The abandoned inner child: This child often

comes from not getting the right kind of
sensitive and loving attention from parents.

The playful inner child: This is a healthy child

part. Do you remember when you were play-
ful and spontaneous, having fun without guilt
or anxiety?

The fearful inner child: This child received con-

stant criticism and judgement. They experience

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I was having when I was a child. This was my inner critic speaking. It’s important to listen to this
voice, at the same time as listening to the voice of your inner child. All of these voices deserve to
be heard, and by listening to them you’ll give them the space to shape how you’re feeling today.
Be aware and notice without judgement, but also without giving in to them.

Attachment based inner child work. Try this simple exercise.

Drop into the feelings you had around your parents as a child. Feel in your heart what you really
wanted from your parents. Did you want love? Acceptance? Time with them? A hug?

Feel these longings and imagine a parenting figure who gives you exactly what you want. This fig-
ure probably won’t be your real parent, it can be a teacher, a friend, even a fictional parent from a
movie or book. I always think of Ellie Arroway’s dad in Contact, especially when he says (as a pro-
jection from Ellie’s mind) I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you, Ellie - because he died suddenly when
she was 10.

Imagine this ideal parenting figure as being there for you, hugging you and telling you that they
love you, and that everything will be OK. Feel the warmth and security of really being loved. Bring
these feelings up when you have time and as often as possible. It will strengthen your connection
to your nurturing self.

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 A guided meditation journey for inner child healing.
“Caring for your inner child has a powerful and surpris-
ingly quick results: Do it and the child heals.”

– Martha Beck

Inner Child Meditation Practice

From Justin Brown/Ideapod

1. Breathe deeply and relax

2. Allow yourself to witness your thoughts.

3. Ask your question. Example: “Dear inner child, when was the first
time I experienced trauma in my life?”

4. Allow yourself to witness the thoughts that rise and fall within your mind.
Your inner child may or may not decide to reveal the answer to you.

5. Remember to be patient, loving and accepting.

6. If your inner child doesn’t want to reveal the answer, embrace that.
It’s important that your inner child feels safe, secure, and ready.

This process may take a couple of minutes to an hour. You can also do this
meditation repeatedly until your inner child starts showing you some answers.

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6. Your Brilliant Right Brain

When I was having therapy, my therapist always told me that my right brain was smarter than my
left. SHE WAS RIGHT! Although your right brain will hold most of the trauma, it also holds much
of your capacity for true healing. That is why I believe that creativity is one of the 5 pillars of heal-
ing for survivors of narcissistic parenting. Exploring your creativity can show you your true pathway
and allow you access to your authentic self.

As children we have a natural creativity. We love to explore and experiment. But that wonderful
and deep connection to the joy of making gets beaten out of us with schooling, rules - and our
own judgements. “Art is only for people with talent.”, “Art is a waste of time.” These are the mes-
sages that get in the way of exploring our creative impulses. But what if you could get back to that
childhood joy and natural creativity?

These exercises can help you get in touch with your creative inner child.

As an artist and psychotherapist I know that your right brain is smarter than your left. We might
think we have all the answers, but the verbal and logical way of knowing and understanding that
we grew up with falls a long way short of helping us when we are really stuck.

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Art can help you tap into ways of knowing that you may have forgotten or repressed.

Inner Child Drawings (From Shelley Klammer)

Inner child drawings are a profound way to access aspects of your psyche that you may ignore or
repress.

Inner child drawings are typically done with your non-dominant hand. Buy yourself a box of kid’s
crayons to support your inner child’s creative process.

Try this process for 30 days.

Daily Inner Child Drawing Exercise

1. Relax and breathe with your paper and

crayons in front of you.

2. Close your eyes; see or feel a child near

you. Notice the colour of her hair, notice
her height, posture, clothing. Open your
heart and feel yourself accepting this child
exactly as she is, even if the child is angry,
sad or frightened. Draw a picture of your
inner child with your non-dominant hand.

3. Ask the child to play a game with you.

The adult in you will ask the child these
questions: What is your name? How old
are you? What are you feeling right now?
What can I do to help you feel really good?
Write the questions on the top or bottom
of your drawing in your dominant hand.

4. Let the child draw a picture of herself

for you and answer the questions using
fun kid art materials such as crayons or
felt markers. Draw and answer the ques-
tions with your non-dominant hand.

5. Thank the child for sharing with you.

Be aware that as you draw for 30 days in a row, many different inner children may want to come
up for your witnessing attention. Some inner children will be happy, some will be sad, some angry.
Some may have even have been buried, or are just barely alive for lack of attention. Allow them to
be present without judging or trying to control them.

Be prepared for fear and buried feelings to come up during this process. Also expect a great sense
of inner excitement and enjoyment. The younger, exiled parts of our personality long to speak, and
will gladly share their truth through your non-dominant hand.

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GUIDELINES FOR THE OPTIMUM SELF-
EXPRESSION OF YOUR INNER CHILD
Treat your inner child as you would a real child.
Be kind, gentle, nurturing and interested. In
essence, your dominant hand parents and nur-
tures the “younger voices” of your non-domi-
nant hand.
(Inspired by Michele Cassou, author of Kid’s
Play - adapted to inner child art.)
1. Always approach creativity as a process-ori-
ented activity. Do not expect your inner child
to draw perfectly.
2. Never ask your inner child/children to paint
or draw realistically.
3. Never tell your inner child/children what to
draw or paint or give them something to copy.
4. Never correct your inner children’s drawings
or ask them to fix them.
5. Never criticize or praise your inner child/chil-
dren’s drawings. Simply observe them with
acceptance and love.
6. Never ask your inner child/children what
their drawings represent, or why they painted
or drew them. Create a safe environment for
the unfettered and intuitive expression of feel-
ings through imagery.
7. Show care, respect and interest for everything
your inner child/children creates.
8. Observe your inner child/children’s process
with understanding. They must feel seen.
9. Never compare inner child/children’s work.
Never encourage competition.
10. When your inner child/children ask for help
to draw or paint, don’t show them “how to”.
Help them realize they can create anything they
want.
11. Appreciate your inner child/children for
who they are and how they feel, not what they
do.
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 6. A M I A N A R C I S S I S T ?
This is a very common fear. Narcissists do
sometimes create other narcissists. That is a
reality.
The trauma passed on from generation to
generation can often result in the unlovely
pattern of defences known as NPD. But the
good news is that if you are reading this, it
means you know something is wrong and you
want to change. If you are really committed to
change then it will happen, but it takes a lot of
work. Acknowledgement and reflection are the
first steps to healing. It may be a good idea to
do a bit of a self-assessment to see if you have
any narcissistic traits.
Try this test to check for narcissistic traits.
Of course, no test is going to be a substitute
for an assessment from a therapist.
Sometimes narcissistic traits are just that, traits.
They do not mean that you have the full-blown
disorder, or that you are a bad person, but they
may mean that you still have things to work on.
In order to heal, you will need to acknowledge
and resolve your trauma through therapy. It
will take considerable work to dismantle the
defences you developed in childhood to reach
the trauma so that it can be worked on.
Remember, you did not ask to be this way. Your
trauma and any narcissistic traits are not your
fault. At the same time, you, as an adult, are
responsible for doing something about them.
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7. S H O U L D I H AV E T H E R A PY ?
The short answer is yes. I feel that for ALL survivors of narcissistic parenting, therapy
is not only helpful, its essential. Although this book can help you start thinking about
some of the issues for adult children of narcissists, it is not a substitute for ongoing, one
on one therapy.

Therapy will help you understand your background, process your trauma and learn
strategies for managing your relationships and developing self-compassion. When I
suggest therapy, I do not mean crisis based counselling or dipping in and out. I mean
weekly trauma-based psychotherapy so that you can develop a healing relationship
with your therapist.

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 8. C O N TAC T O R N O C O N TAC T ?
SHOULD I CONFRONT MY MOTHER?

“Thanks for your honesty. I am so sorry I hurt you. What can I do to make it better and how can we
work towards a more fulfilling relationship?”

NO! That is NOT what you will hear.

You are much more likely to be regaled with “everything she has done for you,” “how imperfect
you are as a daughter”, “how hard HER life is” and how “she is the victim of ingratitude, rebellion
and unjustified criticism.”

Narcissists are unlikely to admit to any faults. They become defensive or worse, rageful in response
to criticism. It is your choice whether to confront your mother, but the odds are that she will NOT
validate your experience and you may end up feeling worse. In my private practice, I see many
people who are in the throes of recognising the limitations of their unlovely parent. They weigh up
the benefits of going cold turkey no contact with trying to manage a relationship which is becoming
untenable.

Most fall into an unhappy compromise. You don’t want to cut off contact (she is, after all your mother
and in some cases your children’s grandmother) but you are sick of bowing to her unreasonable
demands. As you become more self-aware, you should start to impose boundaries. But remember
those who have benefited from your generosity and people pleasing will suddenly become
dissatisfied and angry when the gravy train stops. It is up to you whether you remain in contact with
your narcissistic mother. There are lots of things to consider and it’s not a decision to make lightly.

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 9. YO U R S I B L I N G S
My experience of growing up in a narcissistic family is that all members have DIFFERENT experiences
of being parented. Do not expect your siblings to validate your new-found awareness. In these
sorts of families, triangulation, competition, bullying, rivalry, hostility and scapegoating can make
life unpleasant, sometimes dangerous.

The family dynamics will often reflect the narcissistic parent’s internal world. Often a narcissistic
mother will pit members against one another so that they fight for her scraps of affection. Instead of
supporting one another, siblings in a narcissistic family will fight and compete, tragically poisoning
their relationships for life.

If you can find support from siblings, then you are one of the lucky ones. Cherish these relationships,
they are vital to your recovery. Supportive siblings who can validate your experience will enable
you to have a higher capacity for trust and embrace more meaningful relationships in your life.

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 10. R E L E A S I N G YO U R I N N E R
R E C OV E RY G O D D E S S
Congratulations!

You are well on the way. I strongly believe that as you grow in your capacity to really be there for
yourself, you will heal. But it’s not an easy or a straightforward process. No way.

You will move forward and back, sideways, up and down, fall flat on your face and make lots of
mistakes, but the end goal is in your sights. Your trauma is unique, just as you are, so your journey
will also be unique. Doing your inner child and creativity exercises every day will help.

I also recommend seeing a good therapist regularly. And that means once a week for at least a
year. Do not make the mistake of thinking that you only need to have therapy when you are “in
crisis.” This is doing yourself, the therapist and the therapy a complete disservice. I realise that the
amount of therapy I am suggesting will be expensive and require a big commitment, but you are
worth it!

Best wishes for your recovery journey,

Amanda

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 A B O U T T H E AU T H O R
Amanda Robins MSW, PhD
Amanda Robins is a writer, artist and
psychotherapist based in Melbourne, Australia.
After a successful career as an artist and
academic, Amanda retrained in Social Work at
the University of Melbourne and is an Accredited
Mental Health Social Worker.
Amanda now specialises in working with
daughters of narcissistic mothers. The soul
wound caused by narcissistic mothering is
something she shares with her clients. She loves
helping clients explore their inner worlds and
their creativity and enjoys taking the healing
journey with them. Her approach is to try to
understand their world and to help them
CONNECT WITH ME:
work out who they are, and what they want from
life. Her aim is to help survivors of narcissistic
parenting find their true selves through creative
practice and through the work of therapy.
Amanda writes about mental health and
relationships from her own experiences and
from her experiences with clients.
She has a blog where she writes regularly about
mental health. Her articles have been published
on The Mighty, Therapy Route, PsychCentral
and This Woman Can and in The Ascent,
Publishous, Invisible Illness, Be Yourself and PS
I Love You, on Medium.
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All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or
mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission
from the author, except in the case of a reviewer, who may quote brief passages embodied in critical
articles or in a review. The information in this book is distributed on an “as is” basis, without warranty.
Although every precaution has been taken in the preparation of this work, it is set out in good faith
for general guidance and no liability can be accepted to any person or entity with respect to any
loss or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly by the information contained
in this book. In particular this book is not intended to replace expert medical and psychiatric advice.
It is intended for informational purposes only and for your own personal use and guidance. It is not
intended to diagnose, treat or act as substitute for professional medical advice.

Designed and Created by: Jessica Waddington

jessicalindsaay@gmail.com
www.jessicawaddington.com

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