The Four Horsemen

Criticism
When criticizing: you say it is your partner you don’t
like “You did this, you always do this..”
Encourage complaint: describe behavior that you don’t
like: “I feel upset because, I noticed… I would like if we
could…”
Defensiveness
Used when feeling attacked or treated unfairly
Used with attempt to make situation better – but makes
it worse
People say same thing over and over – saying “yes I
understand” can stop the argument
Admit that you are wrong = take more responsibility in
relationship > 30% chance to be wrong
Think: “What have I done to contribute to this
argument?”
Contempt
Destructive to marriage = feeling disrespect, resentment
and hostility towards partner – discount the positive
Can be condescending humor
Cure = create appreciation within relationship
Avoid using “always, never”
Stonewalling
When one person refuses to respond during argument or
walks away to stop conflict = makes things worse
Also done to avoid complaints = something bothers you
but you decide not to say anything until it builds up
Better to air complaints as they come up

Basic communication skills

Avoid Harsh Start-ups Use repair attempts
The way a conversation starts is a predictor of how it
will end (harsh tone, criticism etc.)
 Take a few moments to make sure it is a
positive start
 Positive start up doesn’t feel good until
moments later
Avoid blame
When discussing problems, avoid assigning blame
You’re always at least 30% responsible for a problem in
a relationship
 Make more “I” statements
 Ask for increase rather than decrease in behavior
 Accept partial responsibility for problem
 “Do you want to be right or do you want to be
happy?”
Used to try to calm an argument when you see it is
getting out of control – when unable to avoid harsh start
ups
 Use humor
 Agree with some points partner makes
 Call a timeout until both are calmed down
Be clear and considerate
When stating desires/goals
Do not expect partner to know what you want /anticipate
your needs
Be considerate:
 State more positives
 Let partner know you are listening even if you
don’t agree
 Reserve judgment, apologize and show
consideration for partner’s feelings when
expressing negatives
 Be aware of tone of voice while arguing

Speaker
1. Observation – describe situation objectively: “When I see clothes on the floor”
2. Express feelings: “I feel anxious”
3. Express needs: “Because my need for order is not met”
4. Express request: “ I would like if you helped me clean up the house”
Listener
- Reflecting: Paraphrase or reflect what partner said in own words
- Validation: “I could see how you could feel that way” – doesn’t mean you agree
- Empathy: “That sounds really frustrating – I’m sorry you feel so frustrated”
- Problem solving: “What would you like me to do about this?”

The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work

John M. Gottman