Dealing With Difficult People

Usually, the difficult person is someone who is working from the

negative side of their personality, rather than a conscious desire to be
difficult. The person is often unaware of their behavior and the
adverse effects of their actions.
The display of negative behaviors is typically a manifestation of arrogance or
defensiveness. There is a fear of being hurt, rejected, humiliated or
appearing to be weak. The behavior is a defense against vulnerability and
insecurity. The person is so afraid of being seen as unworthy or
incompetent, that they immediately throw up a defensive shield against any
possible attack. This defense protects them for a while, but in the end they
lose creditability and respect – the thing they fear most.
We all have difficult people in our lives. And communicating with difficult people
can be especially hard. Sometimes these people are strangers that we encounter at
the grocery store. And sometimes they are our own friends or family members.
Whoever it may be, there are some tools to develop when dealing with these kinds
of people. Barbara Markway PhD, gives us 20 Expert Tactics for Dealing with
Difficult People:
1. Listen– try to hear what they are really upset about. Listening is key when
trying to de-escalate a situation quickly.
2. Stay Calm– if you can see the situation getting out of hand quickly, stay as
calm as possible. Often meeting anger with anger, or coming back defensive
with a difficult person, will likely make the situation worse.
3. Don’t Judge– try not to judge this person. Sometimes a person reacts with
anger or is unreasonable when they are going through something and don’t
know how to express it.
4. Reflect respect and dignity toward the other person– always keep the
situation as level and even as possible. Belittling or speaking down to the
difficult person, will not solve any issues quicker.
5. Look for the hidden need– what is really going on with this person? Are you
able to figure out what they are really so upset about?
6. Look for others around you who might be able to help– Sometimes bringing
in another person can diffuse a situation.
7. Don’t demand compliance– recognize that this person has the right to feel
upset and angry. Even though this might not be the way you would have
expressed it, trying to tell someone to “calm down” never works.
 8. Saying, “I understand,” usually makes things worse– trying to empathize
with the person can go a long way. This person is upset or angry because
they are not feeling heard, or might need something they do not know how
to ask for. Saying you understand will often show the person you care about
the outcome.
9. Avoid smiling, as this may look like you are mocking the person– even
when someone is being ridiculous, smiling or laughing can make you seem
insensitive.
10.Don’t act defensively- it is easy to take things personally when you are
dealing with a difficult person. Try to understand their side, and
communicate as effectively as possible to make them hear your side.
11.Don’t return anger with anger– this often just adds fuel to the fire.
12.Don’t argue or try to convince the other person of anything– acting
defensively, raising your voice, or returning the expressed emotion will just
make the other person angrier and the solution to the problem further away.
13.Keep extra space between you and the other person– make sure you give this
person enough physical space so that they feel safe and respected during this
encounter.
14.Saying, “I’m sorry,” or, “I’m going to try to fix this,” can go a long way
toward defusing many situations.
15.Set limits and boundaries- listening and understanding is important in
dealing with a difficult person. But you also have a right to speak up for
yourself if they are speaking to you disrespectfully.
16.Trust your instincts– If you feel like this is a lose-lose situation, tell the
person you should talk about this another time when you are both a little
more calm. And if you feel like you might be in danger, get out of there as
soon as possible.
17.One response does not fit all– everyone reacts in a different way. And not
everyone can be reasoned with. Understand that you will have to adapt to
different situations when dealing with difficult people.
18.Debrief– afterwards, try talking to someone or writing out what happened.
This can help you deal with the situation in a healthy manner.
19.Discharge your own stress– going for a walk, or taking a moment for
yourself after these types of encounters can really help you get back on
track.
20.Give yourself credit for getting through an uncomfortable situation.

Compiled by:Mohamed abdiaziz Dhiblawe