HOW TO DEAL WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE

When asked what he considered the most valuable skill in employees, John D. Rockefeller once replied,
"The ability to get along with people!"

One of the most important skills needed to succeed in ministry is knowing how to handle troublemakers.
If you learn how to deal with difficult people early on, then you'll be able to pour more energy into
ministry rather than needless conflicts.

Troublemakers come in all shapes:

THE SHERMAN TANK - will run over you if you let him.

THE MEGAPHONE - will talk your ear off.

THE BUBBLE BUSTER - deflates everyone's enthusiasm.

THE VOLCANO - has a temper like Mt. St. Helens.

THE CRY BABY - is a chronic complainer.

THE NIT PICKER - is the unpleasable perfectionist.

THE SPACE CADET - is on a different wavelength.

What should you do with these types?

Jesus had to deal with a lot of difficult people. Here are FOUR methods he modeled through his life:

1. Realize you can't please everybody (John 5:30). Even God can't do that! One wants rain while the
other demands sunshine.

2. Refuse to play their game (Matt. 22:18). Learn to say no to unrealistic expectations. Confront them by
"telling the truth in love."

3. Never retaliate (Matt. 5:38-39). It only lowers you to their level.

4. Pray for them (Matt. 5:44). It will help both of you. Let God handle them.

Make this Bible verse your goal this week, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with
everyone." (Rom. 12:18 NIV)
TANK PERSON
“To control aggression without inflicting injury is the Art of Peace.” — Morihei Ueshiba
The Tank Person is confrontational, pointed and angry, the ultimate in pushy and aggressive
behavior.
In Dealing with People You Can’t Stand: How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst, Dr.
Rick Brinkman and Dr. Rick Kirschner write about how to deal with people that behave like
Tanks.
Action Plan for Dealing with a Tank Person:
Brinkman and Krischner provide prescriptive guidance for dealing with tanks:
1. Hold your ground. Stay put and hold your position. Silently look the Tank in the eyes and
shift your attention to your breathing. Breathe slowly and deeply. Intentional breathing
helps you regain self-control.
2. Interrupt the attack. The best way to interrupt anyone, whether yelling or not, is to
evenly say their name over and over again, until you have their full attention.
3. Quickly backtrack the main point. When you have the Tank’s attention, backtrack (echo
back) the main accusation. Be quick about it. The Tank is speaking and thinking at a
rapid pace, so blend by speeding things up.
4. Aim for the bottom line and fire! The bottom line varies according to your situation but
it usually is about two sentences long. Preface your bottom line with onwership of it, by
saying, "From my point of view …," or "The way I see it …" This prevents your shot at the
bottom line from restarting the war.
5. Peace with honor. Redirect to a peaceful solution by offering the Tank the last word,
only you decide where and when.
Key Take Aways:
1. Stay assertive. I think the key with holding your ground is letting the attacks fly by
without getting emotional and don’t take it personally. Otherwise, assertive can turn to
defensive or offensive.
2. Don’t get emotional. In the midst of attacks, it can be tough to stay calm, cool, and
collected. Two techniques that help are Master My Stories and Make It Safe.
3. Know the key attacks. If you know the key attacks from the Tank, being able to state you
bottom line, crisply and consicely helps. If it’s a recurring pattern of attacks, invovle the
Tank in the solution.
4. Maintain your respect. This starts with expecting respect. If you don’t respect yourself,
don’t expect others to.

Don’t be run over by a Tank Person. Stand your ground and command respect.
SNIPER
“One’s dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but it can never be taken away unless it
is surrendered.” — Michael J. Fox

They use rude comments, biting sarcasm, or a well-timed roll of the eyes. Making you look foolish is the
Sniper’s specialty. Snipers take shots at you to make you look bad or to try to undermine you.

Your Goal in Dealing with a Sniper Person

Via Dealing with People You Can’t Stand: "Your goal when dealing with a Sniper is to bring the Sniper out
of hiding. Whatever type of Sniper you face, whether the playful snipe, the controlling snipe, or the
grudge snipe, you only need remember this:

A Sniper can’t snipe if there’s nowhere to hide.

Since the Sniper’s limited power is derived from covert, not overt, activity, once you have exposed her
position, that position becomes useless.

Be dealing directly and assertively with Sniper Behavior, you take the fun out of it for her, and even the
odds by forcing her out of her hiding place and onto common ground."

Action Plan for Dealing with a Sniper Person:

Brinkman and Kirschner provide prescriptive guidance for dealing with Snipers:

1. Stop, look, backtrack. Zero in on the Sniper. If it seems like someone is taking shots at you, stop
– even in the middle of a sentence or word. Bring all your activity to a standstill. Scan for the
Sniper and backtrack.
2. Use searchlight questions. Use two questions to expose the Sniper’s behavior: 1) Intent – "When
you say that, what are you really trying to say?" and 2) Relevancy – "What does that have to do
with this?"
3. Use tank strategy if needed. Hold your ground, interrupt the interruption, backtrack the main
accusation, and aim at your own bottom line.
4. Go on a grievance patrol. If you suspect someone is holding a grudge against you, but you’re not
certain, go on patrol and see what you can scout out.
5. Suggest a civil future. Finish the interaction by suggesting an alternative behavior for the future.

Key Take Aways

1. Expose the sniper. Getting the Sniper out in the open and putting them on the spot can
potentially be enough to stop the Sniper’s behavior.
2. Clarify the basis for the shots. It’s possible the criticism is fair, but the behavior is inappropriate.
Distinguish between the content and the approach.
3. Questions are better than a defense. Questions can help you find the underlying reasons for the
behavior, without becoming defensive.
4. Don’t be paranoid of Snipers.
5. Be prepared.
Know-It-All
“Those who think they know it all have no way of finding out they don’t.” — Leo Buscaglia
Seldom in doubt, the Know-It-All person has a low tolerance for correction and contradiction.
If something goes wrong, however, the Know-It-All will speak with the same authority about who’s to blame
– you! The Know-It-All can be one of the toughest of all the types of difficult people to deal with.
The challenge with a Know-It-All is that often enough they do, which perpetuates the pattern.

Your Goal in Dealing with a Know-It-All

You goal in dealing with a difficult person that is demonstrating the Know-It-All behavior is to get them to
open their minds to new ideas.
Via Dealing with People You Can’t Stand:
“Your goal with the Know-It-All is to open his or her mind to new information and ideas. A day may come
when you have a better idea or the missing piece of the puzzle! When that day comes, and you feel the moral
imperative of getting your idea implemented, take aim at the goal and go for it.
If the Know-It-All stands in your way, let your mounting frustration become sheer determination to open the
person’s mind to your idea.”

Action Plan for Dealing with a Know-It-All:

Brinkman and Kirschner provide prescriptive guidance for dealing with Know-It-Alls:

1. Be prepared and know your stuff. Clearly think through your ideas ahead of time. The Know-It-
All defense system monitors incoming information for errors. Know-It-All will pick up any
shortcoming and use it to discredit your whole idea.
2. Backtracking respectfully. You have to do more backtracking (echo back) with a Know-It-All than
any other difficult person. If you don’t backtrack, you run the risk of having to listen to the Know-
It-All as they repeat themselves, over and over again.
3. Blend with doubts and desires. If the Know-It-All has doubts about your idea, then there’s
specific criteria that aren’t being addressed, such as the reasons why or why not. Show how your
idea factors the Know-It-Alls specific criteria into account. Know-It-Alls tend to have a finite set of
dismissal statements that reflect their highly valued criteria.
4. Present your views indirectly. Proceed quickly but cautiously while defenses are temporarily
down. Use softening words “maybe,” “perhaps,” “this may be a detour,” “bear with me a
moment,” “I was just wondering,” and “What do you suppose.” Use plural nouns like “we” or
“us” over “I” or “you.” It can help give the Know-It-All a bit of ownership.
5. Turn the Know-It-All into a mentor. Openly acknowledge the knowledgable problem person as
your mentor in some area of your life that you seek to develop. By letting the Know-It-All that
you recognize an expert, and are willing to learn from one, you become less of a threat. You may
find your way from the “disenfranchised” group into the “generally-recognized-as-safe-to-listent-
to” group.

Key Take Aways:

 Don’t make it personal. One of the challenges when presenting information is when making a point,
becomes an argument, becomes a debate, becomes personal attacks. Keep it objective.
 Decide if it’s worth it. Maybe the homework you have to do to talk intelligently with your Know-It-All
isn’t worth it. Don’t just think short-term though; consider the long term relationship.
 Consider “wearing a hat.” You can think of yourself wearing a hat if you need to switch modes that
you aren’t comfortable with. You can invite your Know-It-All to wear a hat as well, so that you can
collaboratively both support and attack the information as a team. See Six Thinking Hats.
 Use your Know-It-All as a mentor. This is a great recommendation. It expands your pool of people to
learn from. It forces you to find something about the Know-It-All that you can respect. It builds
common ground. You improve your skills.
You can better leverage Know-It-Alls when you can inspire their curiosity or leverage them for your learning.
Think-They-Know-It-All
"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all
doubt." — Mark Twain

Think-They-Know-It-All people can’t fool all the people all the time. But they can fool some of the people
enough of the time, and enough of the people all of the time – all for the sake of getting some attention. They
know how to learn just enough about a subject to sound like they know what they are talking about. They are
addicted to exaggeration as an attention-getting technique. They might even suffer from the the Dunning-
Kruger effect (dumb people don’t know they’re dumb.)

Your Goal in Dealing with a Think-They-Know-It-All Person

Your goal in dealing with a difficult person who demonstrates the bad behavior of a Think-They-Know-It-All is
to give their bad ideas the hook, and take them off the stage. Via Dealing with People You Can’t Stand: “Your
goal is to catch them in their act and give their bad ideas the proverbial hook, just as bad acts were removed
from the stage in Vaudeville days. Only in this case, you’ll want to do so without putting the Think-They-
Know-It-All on the defensive."

Action Plan for Dealing with a Think-They-Know-It-All Person:

Brinkman and Kirschner provide prescriptive guidance for dealing with Think-They-Know-It-Alls:

1. Give the person a little attention. Use two ways: 1) backtrack their comments with enthusiasm
2) Acknowledge positive intent rather than wasting your time with their content.
2. Clarify for specifics. Ask them for some revealing clarification questions for specifics. Since the
Think-They-Know-It-All speaks in huge generalizations you’ll want to question the use of
universal words like "everybody" with "Who specifically?", "always" with "When specifically?",
and "significant" with "Significant in what way, specifically?"
3. Tell it like it is. Redirect the conversation back to reality.
4. Give the person a break. Resist the temptation to embarrass them. Make them an ally by giving
them a way out and again minimizing the chance of putting them on the defensive.
5. Break the cycle. Recognize the negative cycle and work with the person to break the cycle. Break
the cycle by doing two things: 1) use gentle confrontation to tel lthem the truth about the
consequences of their negative behavior 2) Actively look for and notice what this problem person
is doing right, and give them credit where credit is due.

Key Take Aways:

Here are my key take aways:

 Know that the Think-They-Know-It-All just wants attention. Just recognizing this might help you
deal with the Think-They-Know-It-All better.
 Use clarifying questions over debate. Asking the right questions, in front of the right people, is
better than arguing.
 Have mercy. You don’t want to put them on the defensive. You don’t want to scar them
emotionally. Your purpose is to just to take the bad ideas off the stage.

A little attention can go a long way. The key is to refocus the attention in the right direction
Grenade Person

“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”  — Phyllis Diller

After a brief period of calm, the Grenade person explodes into unfocused ranting and raving about things
that have nothing to do with the present circumstances. Watch out. If you’ve ever asked, “Where did that
come from?”, you’re not alone. The good news is that there are effective ways of dealing with a Grenade
Person.

Your Goal in Dealing with Grenade People

You goal with a Grenade Person is to help them stop themselves from pulling the pin. Via Dealing with
People:“In essence, your goal is to take control of the situation when the Grenade starts to lose it. Though it is
impossible for you to stop a Grenade from exploding once the pin is pulled, Grenades can stop themselves
given the right circumstances. You can create those circumstances.”

Action Plan for Dealing with Grenade People:

There are effective ways for dealing with difficult people that demonstrate Grenade Person behavior. 
Via Dealing with People:

1. Get the person’s attention. To get people’s attention when they are losing control of themselves,
call their names, raise the volume of your void so you can be heard through the explosion, and
wave your hands slowly back and forth in front of you.
2. Aim for the heart. Show your genuine concern for these problem people by saying what they
need to hear. By listening closely, you can determine the cause of the explosion, then backtrack
while reassuring them of your concern. When you hit the heart you’ll be surprised how quickly
the Grenade calms down.
3. Reduce intensity. Reduce your volume and intensity.
4. Time off for good behavior. Don’t try and have a reasonable discussion about the cause of the
explosion during the explosion. Take a time out, whether 10 minutes, an hour or a week, then
have a meaningful follow-up on the episode of temper.
5. Grenade prevention. Find the pin and don’t pull. If you can find what pulls out the pin on a
Grenade, you can act to prevent it from being pulled again. If you have a good enough
relationship, you could simply come right out and ask the Grenade what makes them mad. Start
by stating your intent clearly, "I want to reduce the conflict with you." Then use clarifying
questions to get specific on the cause of anger. A useful question is, "How did you know when to
get angry?"
Key Take Aways:
Here are my key take aways:
 Stay objective. Don’t get wrapped in the emotions. To help master your emotions and avoid
reacting, see Master My Stories.
 Find a way to agree with your critic. This takes the wind out of their sails and it helps you establish
rapport. It also helps you avoid getting defensive or overly emotional. See How To Deal with
Criticism and Disarming Technique.
 Find the root cause. Questions are a good way to find what’s behind the attacks. Don’t take things at
face value.

Wise Words from Aristole

Artistole reminds us that anybody can become angry:
“Anybody can become angry — that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and
at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way — that is not within everybody’s power and is
not easy.”
Remember to show compassion for yourself and others.
Yes Person

"Learn to say ‘no’ to the good so you can say ‘yes’ to the best." — John C. Maxwell

In an effort to please people and avoid confrontation, Yes People say "yes." They say “yes” without
thinking things through. They react to the latest demands on their time by forgetting prior
commitments, and overcommit until they have no time for themselves. Then they become resentful.

Your Goal in Dealing with a Yes Person

Your goal in dealing with a difficult person who is demonstrating a Yes Person behavior is to get
commitments you can count on.

Via Dealing with People You Can’t Stand:

"YOUR GOAL WITH THIS PROBLEM PERSON IS TO GET COMMITMENTS YOU CAN COUNT ON, BY MAKING
IT SAFE FOR THAT PERSON TO BE HONEST, TEACHING HIM OR HER TASK-MANAGEMENT STRATEGIES,
AND STRENGTHENING THE RELATIONSHIP. …
THE CHALLENGE IS TO GET THEM TO DO WHAT THEY SAY THEY WILL DO."
Action Plan for Dealing with a Yes Person:

Brinkman and Kirschner provide prescriptive guidance for dealing with Yes people:

1. Make it safe to be honest. Make the communication environment a safe one so that the two
of you can honestly examine whether promises being made in the future will be promises
kept. This could be a one-time long conversation, or it may require several meetings over an
extended period of time.
2. Talk honestly. If you think the Yes Person is angry or resentful about something, or believes
in the excuses, whether justified in your opinion or not, encourage the person to talk it out
with you. Hear him out, without contradicting, jumping to conclusions, or taking offense.
3. Help the person learn to plan. Once you’ve listened to your Yes Person’s point of view, it will
be obvious to you "why" you can’t take "yes" as an answer. This is the time to create a
learning opportunity. By using the past experience as a template, you can go back together
and approach the task as if it’s in the future. What motivation was missing? What could have
been done differently? How else could the situation have been handled? Help the Yes Person
focus in on the specific action and steps and process involved in accomplishing the task.
4. Ensure commitments. At the end of the discussion, thank your Yes Person for talking the
problems out with you, and ask, "What will you do differently the next time you’ve made a
promise to me and you are unable to carry it out?" Once you’ve received your answer, you
must follow through and ensure commitment. See Five Ways to Ensure Commitment and
Follow-Through.
5. Strengthen the relationship. Look at every interaction as a chance to strengthen the
relationship. Acknowledge the times when your Yes People are honest with you about
doubts and concerns, make an event out of every completed commitment, and be very
careful how you deal with broken promises. Five Ways to Strengthen a Relationship.

Key Take Aways:

 Be careful of your own wishful thinking. Remember that a "Yes" doesn’t mean it will get
done. Follow up and avoid surprises. Hope for the best, but plan for the worst.
  Remember that they mean well. They don’t say Yes to screw you. It’s an aim to please and
because they have some poor task-management practices.
 Use it to improve your task-management skills. It’s one thing to get your direct tasks done.
It’s another to manage the completion of tasks you delegate or have a dependency on.
 Think of yourself as a mentor. Not everybody is successful at managing priorities or
managing what’s on their plate or setting expectations. Share what you’ve learned that
works.

I find it helpful to remember the saying, “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.”

While the Yes person that says “yes” to everything may mean it at the time, you have to recognize when
that can’t possibly be true, or that it’s not a good idea. Help them save themselves from themselves.

And that goes for you, too — Got it? Is that a “Yes” I hear?
Maybe Person

"Indecision may or may not be my problem." — Jimmy Buffett

In a moment of decision, the Maybe Person procrastinates in the hope that a better choice will present
itself. Sadly, with most decisions, there comes a point when is it too little, too late. And the decision
makes itself.

Your Goal in Dealing with a Maybe Person

You goal in dealing with a difficult person that is behaving like a Maybe Person is to help them learn to
think decisively. Via Dealing with People You Can’t Stand: "Your Maybe Person’s problem is a simple one:
He or she doesn’t know a systematic method for choosing between imperfect choices.

Your goal, therefore, is to give the person a strategy for decision making and the motivation to use it.
Perhaps, you’ve heard that ‘You can feed someone a fish and they’ve had a meal. Or you can teach
someone to fish, and when there is a need for a fish, they can go get one.’ Nevertheless, ‘You can lead a
person to water, but you can’t make him fish.’ So, you are going to create a communication environment
within which your Maybe Person wants to stop procrastinating and learn how to make a reasonably
good decision."

Action Plan for Dealing with a Maybe Person:

Brinkman and Kirschner provide prescriptive guidance for dealing with people that behave like a Maybe
person:

1. Establish a comfort zone. Nebulous fears and negative feelings interfere with clear thinking.
For example, if you ever told a salesperson you were going to "think about it", even though
you knew you weren’t going "to buy it." The get along part of you didn’t want to deal with
the discomfort of telling the truth.
2. Surface conflicts, clarify options. Patiently explore, from the Maybe Person’s point of view,
all of the options and the obstacles involved in making the decision, and any people that
might be adversely affected by the decision. Listen for words of hesitation like "probably," "I
think so," "pretty much," "that could be true," and so on as signals to explore deeper.
3. Use a decision-making system. The best way to make a decision is to use a system. if you
have a system that works well for you, teach it to the Maybe Person. One approach is to list
out all the positive and all the negatives explicitly 
Reassure, then ensure follow-through. Once the decision is made, reassure the Maybe
4. Tell the person that there are no perfect decisions, and that the decision is a good one.
Then, to ensure that the Maybe Person follows through, stay in touch until the decision is
implemented. For example, "I’ll drop by later this afternoon and follow up on this." See How
Experts Make Decisions and Satisficing to Get Things Done.
5. Strengthen the relationship. Promote the idea of a better future for both of you as a result
of the person’s honesty with you. Be willing to take a few moments from time to time and
listen to the Maybe Person’s concerns. Talk on a personal level with the person, and help
him or her learn the decision-making process whenever the opportunity arises. If you are
willing to patiently invest a little time in this kind of guidance, the Maybe Person will never
want to let you down. See Five Ways to Strengthen a Relationship.
Key Take Aways:

 Let them know the impact of their indecision. Timing windows are key. If you’re missing
timing windows, help the Maybe Person undertand the impact of their actions (or inaction.)
 Focus on "good enough" over perfection. It’s how experts make decisions under fire. They
do pattern matching against possible fits. They satisfice to get things done.
 Make the criteria and values explicit. Part of the problem may be the Maybe Person is
optimizing around different criteria than you are. You can’t reliably make decisions if you
don’t know that criteria that matters.

Do you think you now know how to deal with a Maybe Person? Maybe you do. Maybe you don’t.
Nothing person

“If you’re playing a poker game and you look around the table and and can’t tell who the sucker is, it’s
you.” — Paul Newman

A Nothing Person doesn’t contribute to the conversation. No verbal feedback. No nonverbal feedback.
Nothing. What else could you expect from … the Nothing Person.

The Nothing Person can be especially dangerous if they appear as a Yes Person, but they actually are a
“Say Yes, Do No” person.

Your Goal in Dealing with a Nothing Person

Your goal in dealing with a Nothing Person is to persuade the Nothing Person to talk.

Action Plan for Dealing with a Nothing Person:

Brinkman and Kirschner provide prescriptive guidance for dealing with Nothing people:

1. Plan enough time. f you are tense and intense because of limited time, it’s the wrong time.
Plan ahead. Dealing successfully with the Nothing Person may take a long time.
2. Ask open-ended questions expectantly. The best kind of question to ask a Nothing Person is
one that can’t be answered with a yes, a no, or a grunt. Use questions that begin with the
words Who, What, When, Where, and How, since they tend to open up topics for discussion.
3. Lighten it up. When nothing else is working, a little humor carefully used can go a long way.
Be careful with this, because humor is a two-edged sword. It can inadvertently cut the
Nothing Person and yourself, and there’s nothing funny about that.
4. Guess. If your Nothing Person has remained silent until now, and nothing else has gotten
results, or you want an alternative, try this: Put yourself in the Nothing Person’s shoes, and
think back on the course of events as you understand them. What was the sequence and
how else might you interpret the sequence to make positive sense out of this negative
silence? Once you’ve come up with an idea, suggest it to the Nothing Person and watch for a
reaction.
5. Show the future. sometimes, the only way to get a Nothing Person is talking is to take him
out of the moment and into the future. There the Nothing Person can see the consequences
of continued silence, and perhaps find enough perspective and motivation to open
up.Examples of Showing the Future

Key Take Aways:

 Allow time for the process. The flow of information is going to be slower so plan for it. You
don’t want to be in a situation where time is working against you.
 Ask the right questions. This is one of your best tools in your toolbelt. If you’re not getting
the response you want, you might not be asking the right questions.
 Show the ramifications. People aren’t always aware of the impact of their actions (or
inactions.) Explaining the impact might help.

What people don’t say can be more important than what they do say.
No person

"Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats." — Voltaire

A No Person kills momentum and creates friction for you. More deadly to morale than a speeding bullet,
more powerful than hope, able to defeat big ideas with a single syllable. Disguised as a mild mannered
normal person, the No Person fights a never ending battle for futility, hopeless ness, and despair.

Your Goal with a No Person

You goal in dealing with a No Person is to transition to problem solving. Via Dealing with People You
Can’t Stand: “When dealing with a No Person, your goal is to move from fault finding toward problem
solving, from stagnation toward innovation, from decline toward improvement. You may not stop the
flood of negativity completely, but you can succeed in turning the tide back to its proper course.”

Action Plan for Dealing with a No Person:

Brinkman and Kirschner provide prescriptive guidance for dealing with a No Person:

1. Go with the flow. The first action step for dealing with negative people is to allow them to
be as negative as they want to be. The worst course you can take with negative people is to
try to convince them that things are not so bad and could be worse. This only motivates
negative people to work more intently to convince you that things actually are so bad, and
will be worse. Put another way, attempting to convince a No Person to be positive is like
struggling to climb out of quicksand: The harder you struggle, the more embedded you
become.
2. Use the person as a resource. The No Person can serve two valuable functions in your life:
They can be your personal character builder, and they can serve as an early warning system.
3. Leave the door open. No People tend to operate in a different time reality than other
people. Any effort to rush them to a decision will force them to slow down. With enough
pushing for action, No People will put enough drag on things to bring them to a complete
stop, or become the sand int he gears that eventually destroys the motor. Whereas the
temptation might be to throw them out, exclude them, or to think, and leave the door open
so they can come back in when ready. For example, "If you change your mind, let us know,"
or "When you think of a solution, get back to me," or "Why don’t you think about this for a
while, and report back any ideas you have."
4. Go for the polarity response. There are two ways to apply the polarity principle when
dealing with No People. The first is to bring up negatives before they do. The second is to
just agree with the hopelessness of the situation, and take it one step further. This may
cause the No Person to go in the opposite direction.
5. Acknowledge the person’s good intent. If you are willing to project good intent onto
negative behavior, negative people may come to believe it. Then that analytic perfectionism
can be expressed in a more useful way. Decide to act as if the negative feedback is meant to
be helpful. Appreciate the No Person for having such high standards, for the willingness to
speak up, and for the concern about details.
Key Take Aways

 Test your No Person early. If you need the support of the No Person, seek them out early,
rather than get blocked downstream. Their buy-in might take time, even if your idea is
sound.
 Build an ally. If No Person is on your side, this can help build momentum. A No Person can
also help you figure out what the main blockers or resistance will be.
 Divide and conquer. If your No Person is more powerful among a group, meet with them
indvidually and in advance.
 Consider the time-frame. You might need to warm the No Person up to your idea over time
versus a single session. If your short-burst strategies aren’t working, then try spreading
multiple sesions out over time. You can experiment and find the pattern that works.
 Try reverse psychology. If their instinct is to play a Devil’s advocate, try asking them for the
opposite of what you want, and test their reactions.
 Involve them in the solution. Ask them to temporarily wear a collaborative hat. It makes it
safe for them to play out your ideas, and temporarily step out of their No Person behavior.
See Six Thinking Hats.

I’ve dealt with multiple No People and it’s usually a matter of allowing more time and changing the
approach. Asking the right questions and presenting the right arguments helps a lot. Mostly it comes
down to understanding their concerns and knowing their values.
Whiners

"Be grateful for what you have and stop complaining – it bores everybody else, does you no good, and
doesn’t solve any problems." — Zig Ziglar

Nobody likes a Whiner. Laugh the world laughs with you; whine and you whine alone. Whiners feel
helpless and overwhelmed by an unfair world. Their standard is perfection, and no one and nothing
measures up to it. But misery loves company, so they bring their problems to you. Offering solutions
makes you bad company, so their whining escalates.

Your Goal in Dealing with a Whiner Person

You goal in dealing with a difficult person that is demonstrating the Whiner behavior is to form a
problem-solving alliance.

Brinkman and Kirschner write the following:

"If you must deal with Whiners, your goal is to  team up with them  to form a problem-solving alliance
(and if that doesn’t work, then your goal is to get them to go away!).

The difference between a problem solver and a Whiner is in the way each approaches a problem:

The problem solver looks at the problem with  an eye toward finding solutions; the Whiner look at the
problem,  feels helpless, and then generalizes that  the problem is worse than it actually is.

So the best you can do with someone who is constantly complaining, and for everyone around him, is to
work with him to  diminish his feelings of helplessness  by helping him to identify solutions.

Done consistently through time, this strategy can sometimes cure the Whiner once and for all.

As the feeling of helplessness diminishes, so does the need to whine."

Action Plan for Dealing with Whiners:

Brinkman and Kirschner provide prescriptive guidance for dealing with a Whiner:

 Listen for the main points. The last thing you want to do is listen, but that’s just what you
need to do with the Whiner. Listen with pen and paper to catch the main points of the
complaint.
 Interrupt and get specific. Take command of the conversation through a tactful interruption,
and ask for your Whiner’s help. Then ask clarification questions to get to the specifics of the
problem, because vague problems are rarely solvable.
  Shift the focus to solutions. Because Whiners often complain in vague, cascading
generalizations (e.g.,"It’s all wrong. But even if it wasn’t nobody cares."), they don’t stand
still with any one problem long enough to stand a chance at problem solving. Once you begin
to get specific about each complaint in turn, Whiners find themselves face-to-face with
specific problems.
 Show the Whiner the future. When people have been feeling helpless, it is helpful to give
them something to look forward to. If solving the problem they’ve brought to your attention
turns out to be your responsibility, then you must keep your Whiners informed about
progress.
 Draw the line. If backtracking, clarifying, and asking for a direction has not produced any real
change in the Whiner, drawing the line becomes necessary. If your Whiner gets back on a roll
with complaining, and it sounds like it isn’t going to stop, take charge of the situation and
bring it assertivelyto a close.

Do’s and Don’ts for Dealing with Whiners

Brinkman and Kirschner provide a set of Do’s and Don’ts for dealing with Whiners.

Don’t:

 Don’t agree with Whiners, as it just encourages them to keep cmplaining.

 Don’t disagree with them, as they will feel compelled to repeat their problems.
 Don’t try to solve their problems for them — you can’t.
 Never ask them why they are complaining to you about their problems. They hear this as an
invitation to start all over again from the beginning.

Do:

 Do have patience with their impossible standards and seemingly endless negativity.
 Do have compassion for the poor complainers whose lives are beyond their control.
 Do have commitment to the lengthy process of getting them to focus on solutions.

Key Take Aways:

Here are my key take aways:

 Use active listening. Use active listening by paraphrasing and echoing points that you hear.
You don’t have to agree with the points. This helps show understanding and helps clarify
points.
 Allow time for the process. Don’t rush results. You need to establish rapport before you can
influence influence.
 Stay focused on solutions. Chunk the problems down. The Whiner might feel overwhelmed
because they’ve magnified problems. Solving a few right-sized problems will help build
momentum.
 Pair with them on solutions. Sometimes a Whiner just needs new perspective or some
support, and then they too can switch into problem solving mode.

A common theme in dealing with negative behaviors is to build rapport and stay focused on solutions,
and allow time for the process.
Take the wind out of the Whiner’s sail, by helping them become better at solving problems and feeling
more empowered to fix things vs. act like a victim or play the blame game.