About two years ago I had a phase where all I wanted to do was create the perfect

character. I had exhausted almost every resource I could find on the internet. I had installed and

uninstalled many character creator apps that didn’t have enough options where I could make a

truly customizable character, truly my own, truly me. I searched and searched for what I was

looking for and after weeks of scouring, I finally found something. It turned into a more

meaningful part of my life than I ever thought it would be. I found an escape. It happened when

we were meticulously cleaning out the loft and my brother’s room to prepare to paint the entire

upstairs. Shoved behind an old toy chest and covered in dust, I found a game controller. It wasn’t

just any normal game controller. It was a guitar with five buttons on the neck, red, green, yellow,

blue, and orange, with a lever on the body that clicked like a pen when you strummed it. I hadn’t

played that game since my early middle school days, but I remembered it had a character creator

like the one I had been searching for. I found the game on a shelf of old, dusty, forgotten games

that had been seldomly played even years ago. My next step was to find all the parts of the Xbox

that had been sitting unused for ages because it had been replaced by newer technology and

changing hobbies. After searching the house for a cord that didn’t seem to exist, I was finally

able to start my wonderful, painful journey.

I started up the title screen and was instantly roped in by the bright colors and the iconic

rock music. Instead of playing the music as the game intended, I went straight to the character

creator to see if it was everything I hoped for. It was! It had all the options someone could ever

need; face shape, eye color, shape, and size, eyebrows, nose, mouth, hairstyle and color, body

type, skin color, tattoos, makeup, face paint, piercings, hats, masks, and an endless number of

interchangeable outfits and accessories, all of which you could change the color for. So much
freedom to make the perfect character that has been trapped in my heart and not just my head. I

started knowing I wanted to make someone I wanted to be. A guy that had feminine facial

features, but still felt masculine. A body that didn’t give me constant dysphoria. Brightly colored

hair was a must and all the piercings I wished I had. An outfit I could realistically see myself

wearing. He also had to have one of my favorite unconventional color pallets. I settled on bright

red-pink hair, so I went with a pink and green color pallet. I dubbed the character, Blake, the

name I eventually chose for myself a month or more later.

After I made myself, I couldn’t stop there. I created the three other members based on the

preset characters that I tweaked to create a band that I would be proud to perform with, but I

didn’t take nearly as much time or care. That showed in my final product. I decided that these

haphazard characters needed more screen time so I could better appreciate them, but something

just wasn’t right. He… I needed a band, not just side characters, that could support my many

shenanigans and amazing stage presence. They were still just background characters no matter

how much I played with them, not a band, group, friends, not even acquaintances. It took away

from the entire experience of being the main guitarist of a band traveling around the country in a

van trying to make a living. All the cut scenes showed them being the best of friends, doing silly

things, and acting like they’ve known each other for years. It didn’t feel right, I needed people

that felt more human, more familiar.

I got to work right away asking my three best friends for pictures of themselves, favorite

colors, and dream aesthetics. It took a week to make them all, but it was the only thing I could

think about. I was so excited to have my friends join me in something I was so passionate about
making it that much more special. When I finally did get to show them all they were just as

excited as I was, and it became a thing for us to talk about regularly. We would poke fun saying

things like “that was very drummer of you”, “we would totally do that in our band”, “this song is

something we would play”, “blank would do that on stage,” and “blank would say that in an

interview.” We came up with so many of these that I started to keep a record of them on my

phone. They didn’t enjoy playing the game with me, but it was something that bonded all of us

together and they enjoyed seeing how excited it made me. We even started referring to each

other as “The band.” I eventually made a logo, Aaron the singer came up with the name one

night while I showed him how to play for the first time, and Hayden the bassist and AJ the

drummer came up with a lot of the events that we thought would take place. It made me ecstatic

that I could have something like this in my life, but it eventually became an unhealthy obsession.

I became consumed by it. Every night after school I would come home and play for hours

ignoring my homework until I couldn’t put it off any longer. It became the only thing I could talk

or think about day in and day out. I played so much at some point I pulled a muscle in my arm. It

wasn’t all bad though. I got butterflies thinking about being there in that moment as my

character, on that stage, with all those fans, playing that music, running out after the show,

warming up before, interacting with each other on that stage, and being ourselves. Eventually,

those warm butterfly feelings turned into painful tinges thinking about how that wasn’t me doing

all those things and how that would never be me. I went on like this for months. I had become

my character or was projecting to an unhealthy extent. I had to pull myself away, but it was

difficult. That life was something I wanted so dearly but couldn’t obtain. When I wasn’t playing

there was a feeling that I wanted to go back to a time I once knew but had never happened. I
began playing less and less because I knew it would hurt me if I kept going. However, I kept

running back and I still do. It’s become a part of myself that I can’t separate from, and I don’t

think I will ever want to. I’ve stopped feeling the pain in my heart when I’m not playing, but that

life I could live still preoccupies my dreams and desires.

Whenever I don’t feel like myself, something feels off, or I just can’t get out of a funk I

go back and play for an hour or two. If it’s been a horrible week, it could be all day. It makes me

feel like me again. That character is me. The me in my head who no one sees me as. What I want

to be someday. I don’t know when but at some point, the pain turned to hope that I might

someday have a life like that, loving myself, being close with my friends, going places, doing fun

things, maybe not music but something I’m passionate about. I still sometimes get that pain in

my chest that maybe I’m being foolish or naive when I think about it for too long. I hope that one

day that feeling will go away and I can find the life that game, those characters, and my friends

make me feel in my heart.

Rhetorical Rationale:

I chose to write about this time of my life because it is something that has greatly affected

my life. It was also something that I knew I could write a lot about unlike some of the other

events in my life. It has also become something that has shaped who I am today. It has given me
goals and ambitions to work towards. It has shown me what my life could be like if I can put my

heart and soul into becoming that person. My inspiration started as we talked about how we

should chose a moment that we remember vividly and this was what came to my mind.

There are some minor details that I have left out because I felt that they were too personal

for me to share. Mostly thoughts and emotions I experienced during this time that would require

a lot more detail than I would be comfortable sharing. None of it is serious or a cause for

concern, just personal. For some extra context thought, I’m transmasculine and this story takes

place as I’m starting my questioning phase. That may explain some of my thoughts and feelings

throughout my memoir that may not have been justified or felt unrealistic to be that connected to

a character.

I wanted to describe my feelings as thoroughly and deeply as I could because that is

something I struggle with but I felt that that was the only way to show why this was such an

important event for me. I feel that I did it to the best of my ability. Some specific moments where

I felt I did this well include, “the perfect character that has been trapped in my heart and not just

my head” and “those warm butterfly feelings turned into painful tinges.” My goal for my memoir

was for the audience to get the since of how important this was to me and how strong my

emotions were. While I was writing my memoir I found that I use lists a lot. I include as many

details as I could to make sure that the scope of what I was writing about is truly felt. One

specific moment where I did this was when I listed off all the options that the character creator

on the game had. I did this to show it had all the options that I wanted it to and more.
 I enjoyed writing my memoir because I found a topic I could write about. As I’ve already

stated this is and continues to be a big part of my life, so it was easy to keep writing. I could

continue to write about this event if I needed to but that would contain many unnecessary details

or moments that wouldn’t fit into the narrative that I have created. I did struggle to put

everything into words and convey the amount of emotions I had. However, I feel that I get my

point across enough for the reader to at least understand if not feel like they are experiencing it

right along with me. I hope that I can do more creative writing that I fell a connection to like this

project.