“My entire moral code, as a kid and now, is a need to be thought of as good,” she

says. “It was all I wrote about, it was all I wanted, it was the complete and total
belief system that I subscribed to as a kid. Do the right thing. Do the good thing.

“Obviously I’m not a perfect person by any stretch, but overall the main thing that
I always tried to be was a ‘good girl’.”

It’s a thought-system which will sound scarily familiar to many of us. I, f“Human
beings are naturally social creatures, and we are programmed to want the approval
of our peers,” explains Dr Becky Spelman, psychologist and clinical director of
Private Therapy Clinic. “From the social cues we receive from the others around us,
we form opinions about whether our behaviours are good and praise-worthy or not.
When we are validated by others it feels good, and this tends to make us want to
behave in a similar fashion in the future, so as to experience the same good
feelings again.”

Defined by Dr Spelman as “approval and acceptance from others, such as a partner,

members of our family and the wider community,” external validation can be healthy
within “reasonable limits”. On the flipside, internal validation, defined as “self-
acceptance and feeling a sense of self-worth without having to consult others about
what we are like and what we are doing,” is something many of us still struggle to
achieve; in a study conducted by researcher and author Elizabeth R Thornton, 55% of
the participants said that their self-worth was often, more often or always tied to
what others think.

While desiring external validation is normal and healthy, it can go too far when
desiring praise and attention from others becomes an addiction
“While desiring external validation is normal and healthy, it can go too far when
desiring praise and attention from others becomes an addiction, and/or when it is
not balanced by healthy levels of self-esteem. In these cases, people can crave
others’ approval even at the expense of their own mental and physical wellbeing.”

She continues: “Sometimes people feel such a great need for external validation
that they want to be praised, loved and appreciated by absolutely everybody.”

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE

Comparison culture is taking its toll on our self-esteem
And the need for external validation is an increasingly prevalent problem,
especially among young women. In exclusive research commissioned by Stylist, it was
revealed that only 1 in 10 women between the ages of 25-40 report having high
levels of self-esteem, with many of the respondents saying the external pressures
of social media and the idea that they need to be “perfect” have a negative effect
on their self-esteem and mental wellbeing. In this way, the idea that women are
more prone to needing external validation is not an “innate female quality,” but
thanks to the pressures placed on us by society.

“Women tend to be more harshly judged when society feels that they have put a step
wrong, and to be subject to a wider range of restrictions and punishments,” Dr
Spelman explains. “All of this results in many women going through life in a
constant state of incipent anxiety, because they are worried about the social
penalties they may face if they are perceived as doing something wrong.”or one, am
hyper-aware of my need to be liked and thought of as “good” by everyone I interact
with. God forbid someone dislike me and my work – one critical comment has the
power to shake my self-esteem. I’m getting better at recognising and am slowly
trying to dismantle it – but I’m not the only one who possesses this need for
external validation.