Empathy in Mediation

by Sarathi Susheela Supporting Effective Agreement

Empathy is considered as the “Soul of Mediation.”

A couple married for 35 years wanted to get divorced.
Wife said, “In all these three decades of marriage I have understood
my husband so well. My husband has not made any effort to
understand me even to the least extent. I am fed up. I want to move
away from this rela"onship.”

Husband said, "I have understood my wife so well. In all these years
of our marriage I have never failed to understand her. But she does
not bother to understand me. This pains me a lot.” What
has happened between the spouses ? Each is claiming that each has
understood the other but the other has failed. The rela"onship failed because each has
tried to understand the other in his/her own way but not as the other person was
expec"ng to be understood. There was lack of empathy in their rela"onship.
“Empathy is understanding the other person, as that person wants to be understood."
Empathy strengthens rela"onships. It helps one to connect with the other. There runs an
invisible umbilical chord between the two when empathy governs the field of
communica"on. Rela"onships cannot be nourished and cherished in the absence of
empathy. Empathy makes one to understand what the other has not spoken. Empathy is
said to be a power of feeling. What gives power to this power? The humility and
humbleness to offer oneself to understand the other person as that person wants to be
understood gives the power. The preparedness to understand is the first step. Se/ng an
agenda and se/ng the atmosphere are two wonderful communica"on skills o0en used
by mediators. With these two skills in hand mediator sets the tone.
In the context of media"on, the difficult ques"on to answer is “Is it enough if the
mediator alone is empathe c”? Let us try to get the answer through a hypothe"cal
case study:
Case study: Couple were married for 14 years. In the second year of their marriage a son
was born to them, who died at the age of 9. Husband wanted divorce on the ground of
cruelty. Only ground of cruelty alleged was that wife avoided physical rela"onship with
him. The wife admi:ed in the joint session that she was not co opera"ng for physical
rela"onship and that she hated to sleep with her husband. In caucus Mediator leaned
forward, bent a li:le bit, and asked her in a slow and soothing voice demonstra"ng the
preparedness to listen to the wife “I can feel that something is deeply troubling you. If
you don’t mind sharing with me can you help me understand what it is? Recognizing
that there was some one prepared to listen to her and understand her the wife started
pouring out. A0er listening to her for a few minutes, the mediator asked her “Do you
mind telling everything to me from the beginning in the presence of your
husband?" Both husband and wife agreed for a joint session. A congenial atmosphere to
facilitate weave an empathic connec"on between the spouses was set by the mediator.
This was the heart touching narra ve by the wife:
“When my son was 4 year old this man went abroad. He was tough about money. He
weighed everything in terms of money. He was mad a0er accumula"on of wealth. He
used to visit us twice in a year . I was taking care of the family. From admi/ng the child
to school and a:ending to all his needs it was only me. My husband was a great athlete.
Some how my son developed keen interest in football .He was chosen as a champion for
the under 10 football State level team. He was supposed to go up to na"onal and
interna"onal level. Every "me he won trophies I sent photos to my husband. Not even
one message of happiness, or encouragement was passed on to my son from this man.
My son wanted a stud and jerkins from US. This man did not send. I got those from
some one else and lied to my son that “his father sent them."
One day my son came home and complained of pain in the leg. I gave him some pain
killers. Pain subsided. Next week again he had severe pain. I took him to hospital. Off
and on his pain con"nued. He had to miss his prac"ce. Doctors advised to have some
tests done. When he was advised not to move I made him sit on the wheel chair. 7 ½
year old boy was cheering when I was pushing the wheel chair. I was broken. He did not
understand what it meant to sit on the wheel chair. He insisted that we take a photo.
Some one took the photo for us. “ Madam ,this is the photo. A worried mother pushing
the wheel chair with a cheerful son ”. I was given his medical report . Doctors said “it is
cancer”!!.
I did not tell my son about it. Every week he would ask me” when can he go to field and
play football?. He had the foot ball and studs on his bed. He asked me more than
hundred "mes, “ When will daddy come and get me the best medicine so that I can play
soon”. Madam, this daddy never bothered to come. Day by day his situa"on got
worsened. It was his birthday. He wanted all his friends to come. He thought his father
would come with best doctors and best gi0s. That morning he became unconscious. In
the hospital he asked me “ Has daddy come, have my friends come, when should I cut the
cake? Again he became unconscious. Day by day his belly started bloa"ng as though he
had three babies inside. I was repeatedly calling this man. Every "me he said I am busy in
mee"ng. I will call later”. That “later” never happened. My son died. This man did not
come even for the funeral. A0er a month he came, hugged me and said “ Don’t worry, I
will give you another child”.
She spread more than 200 heart touching photos of her son taken at every stage. Each
photo was passed on by the mediator to the husband, from whose eyes tears were rolling
down . Wife asked one last ques"on” Madam, if you were to be in my posi"on would
you go and sleep with this person again, would you have sex with him?”. Husband could
not control his emo"ons. It was as though some thing was churning within his
stomach. He was deeply troubled. He sobbed -cried- rolled on the floor. He was
uncontrollable.
The atmosphere was charged with Empathy. It was not just the Mediator who understood
the wife as she wanted her to be understood but her husband also understood her as his
wife expected and needed to be understood. In trembling voice husband said to wife, “I
don’t want to say sorry. I cannot even apologize because I don’t even deserve to be
forgiven, Please accept my sincere thanks you have been a father and mother to our
child."
Suddenly, the wife hugged the husband. Both of them cried, and sat silently for more than
an hour without u:ering a single word but occasionally looking at each other. Even the
mediator did not speak a word. There was only silence which had its powerful voice
reaching to the heart of one from the other. That atmosphere of silence conveyed many
messages to both. Suddenly both stood up. Surprisingly they held each other’s hand and
said in a single voice, “We will live together as a couple”.
Empathy triumphed.
Role of Empathy in Media"on:
In media"on, demonstra"on of empathy by a mediator stands on one foot. But
bringing empathic connec"on between the dispu"ng par"es stands on a different
pedestal. Mediator facilitates the par"es to stay on a level playing field where there are
no instruc"ons and direc"ons by one to another. There are only feelings wan"ng to
be reached out to the other, and feelings wan"ng to be understood. Once this powerful
connec"on is developed there remains nothing more to be done. There will no more be
two sets of par"es facing each other. There will be only one set of par"es. Each one will
be si/ng next to the other understanding that it is their problem, and it needs to be
resolved.
SKILLS that a Mediator can use:

i. Se/ng an agenda (How and when to bring empathic connec"on between the
par"es).

ii. Se/ng an atmosphere.

iii. Framing and asking strategic ques"on which brings mo"on towards solu"on.

iv. “SILENCE”

Sarathi Susheela biography and additional articles: http://www.mediate.com/people

/personprofile.cfm?auid=2121

This article is provided by Mediate.com:

Over 15,000 Articles & Videos
Most Visited Mediation Website
May 2020 Most Used Mediator Directory
Targeted Geographic Marketing
View this article at: See mediate.com/Services
www.mediate.com/articles/susheela-empathy-mediation.cfm