Story of my life

So basically I fell in love with this girl.

Not sure what came over me…I’m 28, few months left till I turn 29, but I did fall in love. For the second
time in my entire life.
I never really liked girls…I remember being 18 and everyone was getting girlfriends, but I wasn’t
interested in that. At that time we did not know about gay people or any of the other stuff, so in my
research I just thought I’m not attracted to anyone, I thought that I’m asexual.
At 19, I met her…Nothing special about her really. Wasn’t extra smart or extra beautiful. If I’m to look at
her now, she’s a 5 (maybe worse), but I got attracted to that.
Few years later I will find out that I actually fell in love with her because she looked a lot like my
grandma’s sister.
I was making some tomato juice for her (years after I’ve broken up) and she came to ask if I want a
lemonade. That’s when I saw it…My first girlfriend was the spitting image of her.
Fucking cruel life…My own subconsciousness made me fall in love with a shit person just because it
wanted to recreate a memory of my childhood or because it felt like that person would love me like my
grandma’s sister would.
I swore that I’ll do my best to stop my subconsciousness from controlling me.
But as the years passed, I realized that I can’t win that battle…I just can’t…It runs too deep and it has
access to so much more information than I do. No matter how dedicated my efforts were, I was able
only to grasp just under 1% of the total decisions my subconscious takes for me.
Fuck all that….I’m mad at it, I’m mad at everything, I’d kill it if I could.
But I can’t…Maybe by suicide…but is that really an option? I’d also die in the process…I hate it, but how
much exactly do I hate it? Not sure…
So for the second time in my life, almost 10 years later, I’ve fallen in love…again…
And I’m having troubles understanding…why???
This one, just like the last one is a shit of a person.
I actually haven’t met such shit person in my entire fucking life…
Why does my brain trick me into loving such people…
I already have a girlfriend. And a kid with her…And she loves me…But I don’t love her…
And that’s the weird part…My girlfriend deserves to be loved back…
And the fucking subconscious, fucking picks this retarded girl that’s a shit person and doesn’t want to
change…
What she likes is to be abused and to abuse…That’s her fucking hobby…She has soo many mental issues
that’d be hard for me to identify them all…
WHY THE FUCK WOULD MY SUBCONSCIOUS PICK THIS PIECE OF TRASH?
I looked at her…Long and hard…she doesn’t resemble anyone…
She’s tall, average looking, a bit fat, nothing special really.
Thought about all the women in my life, she does not resemble any of them…
Who in my life was tall and a bit fat…I wonder…
My grandma was tall, but not fat.
My grandma had blue eyes, but not brown as she does…She does not resemble my grandma, although
that’s the closest I could find…
It makes me think that maybe my consciousness created the image of a perfect woman, the woman that
would protect me from my father, and projected it onto a person.
But again…She’s not that person…She’s shit, trash, I wouldn’t like her if I were to have a choice.
I wouldn’t even speak to her…

So now I’m clinging to this shit of a woman…And I get treated like shit because…well because as I said
previously…She likes to be abused and abuses back. She doesn’t know any better, she really is dumb as
fuck…
I am trying so hard to teach her what she should do, how she should behave…Doesn’t give a flying fuck…
Stays the same shit person she is…
Been stuck in this job for 2 and a half years…2 and a half fucking years man...and still thinks everyone
else is the problem. Not her. That’s how dumb she is…
Does nothing for herself…
So here I am…cutting pieces of me so she can have them, but it doesn’t matter

She’s a black hole…She’ll devour me whole and not get enough…

So why do I even stay? Why do I feed the black hole?

I even gave up the idea of having a relationship with her…Just so I could teach her more and have her be
a real woman…But she doesn’t want to be…
I know I should give up…I know that she needs to want it to…But I can’t give up…I never give up…

Not to mention…I made a promise that I’ll do my best…And I’m far from my best…
Sometimes I wish I was less than what I am…My best would have also been less and less struggle would
have been needed.
But I’m not…And I must endure.
I wish I could break free from my promise and from my love, but I can’t…
It’s who I am…I spent years cultivating who I am…cannot give that up now…Looks like I really need to do
my best…
But again…I never told this to anyone…I might actually not have limits…I might actually have limitless
potential. I have tried to explore my limits in the past, and even currently…I really lack limits…Never
been able to find them…
What if I really don’t have limits to my being? Am I stuck in this forever???

My head hurts. Will end this here. I’ll write again when I’ll feel like.
Love you!